Suburgatory (2011) s01e18 Episode Script

Ahh.
Throat looks good.
Pupils are dilating normally.
Do you want to sit up? Any fever? - She's cool to the touch.
- No.
Although I couldn't get her to submit to a core reading.
Uh, appetite? Diminished.
Greatly diminished.
How's the mood? Good? Oh, I wouldn't say that.
She's moody, but then she always has been.
Regular bowel movements, from what I can hear, but a mother's instinct, Dr.
Roger.
Something's different.
She's off.
Mrs.
shay, may I ask you to step into the waiting room for a moment? Why didn't you tell me? Because it's none of your business.
Being in love is nothing to be ashamed of.
Unless he's a drifter.
Are you in love with a drifter? No.
It's not Arthur Fonzarelli, is it? Because he's fictional.
Look, Lisa, I get it.
You're a tweenager, and tweenagers don't like talking to their parents.
I'm not a tweenager.
I'm practically old enough to vote.
Now you listen to me, Lisa Marie.
For years, I have sat here while you prattled on about your social life, when nothing even remotely interesting was going on! Well, now that things are getting real, I want details.
I want the dish.
Bring it on, sistah.
She broke your bed? Buddy, Jill was doing things to me last night that would have broken a K.
G.
B.
Agent.
She's got me open, buddy, wide open.
My theory is that she had been so repressed, so frigid for so many years that her sexual energy pent up inside of her like a Tsunami, and once I figured out how to unleash her waves, they have been crashing down on me every night, buddy! Every night I have been surf in' my lady's brine.
Okay, I'm just gonna take this to go.
Oh, hell, I'll eat it.
Thank you.
I'm ravenous from all the intercourse.
I can't get enough sustenance to fuel the intercourse.
Mm.
Dallas! Oh! George, you startled me.
I was mid-tweet.
"#mid-tweet" and send.
I'm all yours.
Well, I-I haven't seen you around recently.
- Everything good? - So, so good! If you read my last tweet, then you wouldn't have to ask.
Well, I'd rather ask.
When I don't see you, I worry about you, Dallas.
I mean, I think about you, and I know this must be kind of a rough time.
Rough time? You know, with the divorce.
I heard it was finalized.
Why, yes, it was.
I got the papers this morning, and I had 'em laminated.
My divorce is so final, you could eat off it, which I did, and it tasted good.
Glad to hear you're eating well and keeping yourself Real, real busy.
I've been filling every second of every day with lots of real fun, super fun, real fun stuff.
Okay.
And then, come midnight, I stone-cold medicate myself, and I sleep like a rock.
Oh.
Well, okay.
It sounds like you have a system, I guess, but, you know, things do have a way of catching up with you.
I know, which is why I have dalia in therapy five days a week.
Well, gotta run.
I have a pap smear, and then I'm taking Yakult to get blinged-out grillz like Nelly.
m last night I had a pleasant nightmare Da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da - Who's there? - Lisa shay.
Come in.
Hey.
Hey.
Tessa, let me just cut to the chase.
The story is about to break, and I want you to hear it from me first.
I have taken Malik As a lover.
I knew that.
Did my mother tell you? I knew I couldn't trust her.
What? No.
Lisa I could tell.
I saw you two the other day at the water fountain.
yeah Yeah Yeah Where did you learn how to drink from a fountain, girl? Pretty obvious.
I just I want you to know that although he and I will most likely be exploring parts of each other's bodies that are difficult to clean, my relationship with you will remain stet.
- "Stet"? - Unchanged.
I won't abandon you, Tessa.
I didn't think you would.
'Cause I'm not the kind of girl that ditches her G.
F.
The minute she gets a B.
F.
, you know, 'cause me and you We're for real.
We're like Thelma and that other ho.
Lisa, relax.
I'm happy for you and Malik, and the thought that you might ditch me, honestly, never even crossed my mind.
I'd take a bullet for you.
Thanks.
I was happy for Lisa and Malik.
Really, I was, but if I recalled correctly, Thelma and Louise's relationship ended on kind of a down note.
How about "Lisik"? Mm it's okay.
I don't think it beats "Malisa.
" Tessa, what do you think? I think you two should maintain your individual identities and not feel compelled to fuse into one person just because you're dating.
Tessa, every couple has a couple name.
I wasn't going to argue with her.
Everything would be fine as long as she didn't ask Malik to Oh, Malik.
You've gotta taste my vanilla.
yeah Yeah Yeah.
yeah Now I want you to taste mine.
Taste it.
yeah Taste it all.
Yeah Yeah I should probably just go.
Well, I said it was for a dog when I booked the appointment.
Whose fault is that? That's not my fault.
Well, I No, you can't cancel on me now, 'cause I've cleared my whole evening.
Bye, mommy.
Carmen's taking me to therapy.
Oh.
Hey! Wait.
Carmen, what are you up to afterwards? I go to see my Uncle.
Oh, super fun! Mind if I come with? He's in hospice.
Carmen! See you later, mommy.
Okay then.
Okay.
I'll see you later, dalia and Carmen.
I'll see you both later then.
Thanks so much for having me over for breakfast.
Oh.
I think he has an Obama quality.
I see a young Obama Meets Denzel Meets Sammy Davis Jr You're just naming black people.
Meets Montell Jordan.
I actually get that a lot.
You're jiving me.
Really? Mom.
Tessa.
She wants to know what's up for the weekend.
- Well, tell her you're hanging out with me.
- I'm afraid that if I do that, she'll spend the whole weekend hiding out in the handicapped stall of the girls' room.
- Mm.
- We need to find someone to hook Tessa up with, so she doesn't feel like a third wheel.
Would you like to sleep over tonight? I-I don't think my mom would allow that.
Of course not.
I just don't want him to lose interest.
I won't.
What about Evan? We already know that he likes Tessa, and he won't have any conflicting plans because he's friendless.
It's a win-win.
Okay, you lovebirds.
Time for school.
Hip-hop or you're gonna be late.
You two have a great day.
Ham and cheese, brother.
If you keep dating Lisa, plenty more where that came from.
Why is she coming bed shopping with us? Why am I coming bed shopping with you? Because I want your opinion.
Well, I want Dallas to think we want her opinion.
I'm worried about her.
She seemed a little manic the last time I talked to her.
Hi, y'all! Oh.
Hey.
Hey.
Ohh.
I hope I'm dressed okay.
Since I didn't know what we were doing, I brought a raincoat, a walking coat, a car coat, and a cape, in case we see opera.
We probably won't see opera.
Yeah, probably no opera.
We're going shopping for a bed.
Oh! Super fun.
Hey, can your car find us A European mattress store? Prius! Mattress store! Oh, yeah.
Yeah, what about that place on post road? Let's do it.
Evan.
Look, if you're here to pants me, don't waste your time.
I'm wearing a belt made of staples that go into my skin.
I'm not here to pants you.
I'm here to talk to you about Tessa.
What about Tessa? Look, I know you like her, and I want to help you so that she likes you back.
Are you the great Houdini? Because if not, Malik, I seriously doubt that she would Look, Evan, I'm black, and black people know a lot about romance.
Is that true? Al green, Al B.
Sure! Huh? Jodeci, oran "juice" Jones, Teddy Riley, Teddy Pendergrass, Marvin gaye? Yeah, but wasn't he No.
Evan, he wasn't.
Okay.
Maybe black people are smoove.
So what do I have to do to make Tessa like me? A lot of things, Evan, and none of those things include wearing a belt made of staples that go into your skin.
It's like she expects people to feel sorry for her, but, like, I don't feel sorry for her.
What do you feel? Angerment.
Bitterness.
Resent.
You blame her for the divorce.
I do.
I totally do.
You know, until you put those words into my mouth, I didn't even realize I felt them.
Dalia, I think it's important that you confront her with these feelings.
Now if it's okay with you, I'd like to bring her in.
You have a lot of nerve showing your face here! Yakult! This session is not about you.
It's about dalia.
Now you sit And you listen.
I don't want to see no panties tonight.
- What? - -What? Take off that brassiere, my dear.
Evan, did you just tell me to take off my brassiere? What? N-no! Wait.
Did you want me to tell you to do that? Wait! But, girl, I be tryin' to get witchu! Evan, gross.
You just spit in my ear.
Really, you guys? You're trying to unload me on Evan? Tessa, we just didn't want you to feel like a third wheel.
I didn't! Uh, no, but the other day at the yogurt shop You were being gross.
And we're gonna continue to be gross, really gross.
We just don't want this to affect our friendship.
This affects our friendship, okay? If I wanted a man, I could have one.
I could have more than one.
Hey, I'm open to that, you little freak.
I don't need you trying to pawn me off on some perv.
That's the furthest I ever went with a girl, you guys.
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
That seems good.
It's also comfortable for sleeping.
Yeah, I'm not gonna be doing a whole lot of sleeping on this baby.
Am I right? It's the Rolls-Royce of mattresses, sir.
Uh, the it's the last one we have in stock.
Hand-tailored Icelandic eiderdown, cashmere-encased coils, hypoallergenic horsehair batting.
The boning, of course, is unbleached pine.
"The boning.
" I like the sound of that.
You seem very comfortable in it, sir, a-and I can assure you, there is not a finer mattress to be had.
I'll take it.
Excellent.
All right.
All right.
Ohh.
I know what you're thinking, and I totally agree.
- It is obscene - To spend that amount of money on a mattress.
"The honeymoon never has to end with the eternal honeymoon sleep system.
" Dallas, are you okay? Maybe Steven and I just had the wrong mattress.
Oh, honey.
No.
It wasn't that.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Hi.
Should I put down a waterproof pad? Because I am just about to run your friend's card.
I really don't think that's necessary.
Okay.
You know what? Get the pad.
End of a long school week, and you know what? I was glad to have the night to myself.
I was no third wheel.
I was a unicycle.
You are a unicycle.
You're a unicycle.
I'd start with a light dinner, watch a thought-provoking documentary Move That Bus! Oh, my gosh! Reconnect with some old friends Cool and cute.
And help myself to a little bedtime snack.
Ryan? What are you doing out there, watching me? Yes.
Why? Tessa, look at you.
You fell off.
You're wearing pajamas that are covered in food.
These are fresh out of the wash.
Look at all that butter.
Who would eat that much butter? I can't Answer that question.
When I overheard my sister and Malik talking about trying to fix you up with someone, I thought, Tessa Altman made out with Ryan shay.
She could have anyone, but after watching you from the bushes tonight, I'm not so sure.
Ryan, wait.
I'm just Not myself right now, and, yes, maybe I am leaning on butter a little more than I normally would, but I'm a recovering tricycle, trying to get by on one wheel.
Been there.
So you wanna get something to eat? Your pajamas are making me hungry.
So we close soon.
George, get her off my bed.
She's funkin' it up.
What do you want me to do? Fix it! You're the one who brought her with us.
Uh Oh, look.
It's dalia.
Dallas, it's your daughter dalia.
No? Hello? Hey, dalia.
Okay.
Okay.
You're you're ready to be picked up? Okay, great.
We're just running a few minutes late, so sit tight.
Dallas, dalia's ready to be picked up.
Are you gonna go get her? I have a dinner engagement.
Okay.
Noah, take my car keys.
Go pick up dalia from her shrink.
Kill some time before you bring her home.
I will figure out a way to get Dallas out of this bed.
That's a promise, okay? If Jill smells sorrow on this mattress We have a no-return policy.
Then you're buying it off of me.
Lock up when you leave.
If anything goes missing, it's going on your friend's card.
Uh, okay.
Thank you for your understanding.
Hey, okay, big sale today, though, right? Right.
Why didn't mommy come get me herself? Mommy Mommy is having a hard time right now.
She's going through some things.
Oh, please.
What's her problem? She didn't want to live with daddy any more, but I did.
I guess that's true, isn't it? Here, yakult.
You can have half of my spring roll.
Oh, my God.
Did you see that, Uncle Noah? She almost bit me! She almost bit me because I said something bad about mommy.
The two of them are total cohorts, if that's a word.
Oh, and now look.
She's eating the whole spring roll, when I only said she could have half.
Here.
You can have mine.
This is why I wanted my own pet.
This is why I asked mommy to please get me "the hangover" monkey, like from that movie "the hangover.
" I mean, she has yakult on her side, and I have no one.
I'm all alone.
Hey, have you seen that movie "kangaroo Jack"? No.
Is it good? I laid around a lot.
I watched a lot of "people's court," a court in which justice was almost never served, but then I realized, when you're a single parent, being depressed is a luxury you just can't afford.
You have to get up and take care of your kid, 'cause no one else is gonna do it for you.
I have Carmen.
Yes, you have Carmen to cook and to clean and to drive dalia the places she needs to go, but Carmen can't inspire dalia.
She can't teach her what it means to get up when you feel down.
Carmen isn't dalia's mother.
You are, and that right there is reason enough to climb off this outrageously comfortable mattress, this mattress that is clearly from heaven.
George, am I okay? Of course you're okay.
I've never been Depressed.
It's standard issue.
Comes free with the divorce.
I don't even know what a depressed person dresses like.
Separates? I'm probably gonna need a whole new depression wardrobe.
I'll probably need a whole new wardrobe.
yeah Yeah Yeah And I just can't get enough Damn, girl.
Where did you learn how to eat fondue? Yeah Uh, let's just go somewhere else.
Why? I thought you sid you wanted a bowl of wet, hot cheese.
I don't remember saying I w Okay, it was me.
I want a bowl of wet, hot cheese, and this place has it.
Plus wait till you see how long their forks are.
Okay.
Yeah! Well, let's just get in there before they see us.
Are you sure you're okay with this? 'Cause I know they don't serve any of the food that was listed on your pajamas.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't only eat food that's on my pajamas.
Okay.
Whew.
'Cause I feel like I may have oversold the forks a little.
No, they're big.
Yeah.
Aah.
Oh, my God, Malik.
Aah! Ow! Damn, girl! Where did you learn how to feed someone fondue? Do you see this? My heart is breaking.
Tessa's bottomed out.
I'm bleeding.
You stabbed me in the gums.
Tessa, wait.
Don't run.
I'm not running.
I'm seated.
I can't even imagine how lost you must feel to resort to Ryan.
I Lisa, I'm fine.
You have to stop pitying me.
For a minute there, you had me pitying myself.
It's true.
I caught her eating butter.
Now that I think about it, it's kinda messed up that I brought you out for cheese.
You're gonna have wicked gas tonight.
Probably.
Listen, Lisa, you don't have to feel guilty about doing things without me.
I'm a big girl, okay, so go finish your fondue, and we'll talk tomorrow.
Okay.
Well, you heard that.
She's fine, so you can head on home.
Actually We're kinda having a nice time.
Really? Really? Yeah.
I didn't even own one pair of shoes when I walked barefoot into this country.
- Ew.
- Within a year, I taught myself to speak English Carmen, honey, put a pin in it.
Dalia's mama's here to inspire her.
To speak English by listening to NPR 's "all things considered.
" Dalia, I know you're mad at me.
I'm mad at me, too, and I'm mad at Steven, and I'm mad at Carmen.
- You're mad at me? - It isn't always rational.
Now I know it's hard for you to understand the choices I've made, but I'm trying to show you that if you're unhappy in life, it's your responsibility to fix it.
No one else is gonna fix it for you.
I know, and that's why I made Uncle Noah buy me a "kangaroo Jack.
" Dalia! I'm pretty sure I was clear about no movie pets.
That said, he is a cute Carmel color.
That I was not expecting.
And he makes me really happy, mommy.
He does, and I can keep my cell phone in his pocket.
Then, Carmen, we have a new member of the family.
Thank you so much, mommy.
He is way cooler than "the hangover" monkey.
Aah! So this was fun.
Thank you for getting me out of the house tonight.
My mom says when you want to thank someone, you should send a thank-you card, but I don't want a thank-you card.
I want you to let me touch your boob instead.
My boob? Either boob, just so I can say I did, mostly.
You have three seconds.
Go for it.
If you've ever wandered lonely through the woods Ah-ah-oh-oh-ah-oh So what's your address? Ah-ah-ah-oh-oh You don't have to send a thank-you card.
bye.
if you'd ever been out walking you would know