The Addams Family (1964) s01e18 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Come on, Fester, get that power going.
I want this crash to be a real whopper.
I'm too excited to play trains, Gomez.
I should go up to my room and pack some things for the outing.
- But that's tomorrow.
- It's going to be real neat.
Exploring a brand-new cave.
And I'm gonna light the way for everybody.
Bright as Broadway.
Now, what'll it be today, Pugsley? A nice head-on collision? Couldn't we have a derailment for a change? Derailment it is.
Let that current go, Fester.
I wanna see 'em fly off the tracks.
Gomez, don't you think I ought to save myself till tomorrow? Tomorrow is another day.
Why didn't I think of that? Okay.
Now watch this, Pugsley boy.
A wild pile-up on the next turn.
- Suddenly I went dead.
- You need recharging.
No, I just had that done this morning.
I didn't feel good all day, but I never thought it'd come to this.
What do we do, Father? The only thing we can do.
Call an electrician.
- I think I have an emotional watt seepage.
- Watt a way to go.
- Don't make fun of me, Gomez.
- I'm sorry, really.
Hello? Home Electrical? I'd like to ask a bit of advice.
Our Uncle Fester seems to have got himself de-volted.
Hello? You still there? Good.
Yes, de-volted.
Well, you see, he was running an electric train and suddenly his power went off.
- What did he say? - I can't tell you in front of the boy.
- I guess we'll have to talk to Morticia.
- Gee, I hate to worry her about me.
Well, it's not the worry.
She was going to bake a cake this afternoon and she wanted you to run her cake mixer.
Failure upon failure.
I feel like going out and drowning myself in the smog.
Breathe deeply.
It does wonders for your sinuses.
- Gomez! - Well, it does.
Again.
Thank you, Thing.
But remember, nobody likes a smart thing.
Wednesday dear, that was lovely.
You're really improving.
I think you're almost ready to start on the new piece I bought you.
Dance of the Hyenas.
That sounds pretty.
Thank you, Lurch, that will be all.
- Mother.
Uncle Fester's sick.
- Are you sure? When I saw him at breakfast this morning, his face fairly glowed with that lovely jaundiced color.
Maybe he blew a fuse.
Oh, darling, I'm sure he's funning you.
He probably wants you to put a penny behind his ear to make him go again.
I doubt that.
No, his malady is a bit of a mystery.
Children, why don't you go into the kitchen and help Grandmama sort the toadstools from the mushrooms.
She's going to make a lovely toadstool soufflé.
- Yummy! - Yummy! That reminds me, darling.
If you're going to bake that cake I'll have to run out and get you a hand mixer.
- Then Uncle Fester's really ill.
- Not a watt.
Oh, darling.
I'm afraid this will cancel our outing for tomorrow.
We could take flashlights.
But the light would be too harsh.
And too bright to explore new and unknown caves.
Besides, when Uncle Fester switches to neon, the effect is truly spectacular.
The children will be so disappointed.
Little Wednesday was looking forward to collecting some new spiders.
- You know how she adores her pets.
- I know how you were looking forward to some hemlock seedlings for your garden.
Darling, we're being very selfish.
We're thinking of ourselves, and we shouldn't.
We should only think of how to help Uncle Fester.
How like you to think of it that way, querida mía.
You are a gem.
Tasty one, too.
Darling, do you remember our second honeymoon at Niagara Falls? - In Niagara Falls.
- It was a divine cave.
Free showers, anytime of the day or night.
That was living, mon ami.
Tish.
When you speak French you drive me wild.
Speak some more French, Tish.
Anything.
Tout á I'heure.
La plume de ma tante.
Mademoiselle from Armentieres.
Anything.
- You are a devil.
- Yes.
I'm just gonna pack my bags and leave.
Uncle Fester, what seems to be the trouble? Mama called me an outing pooper.
- Oh, I'm sure she meant it kindly.
- Of course.
From Mama that's flattery.
And that's not all.
Thing refused to Indian wrestle with me.
And the piranha fish wouldn't even take a bite out of my hand.
That is unfriendly.
It's worse than that.
I asked Lurch to bring up my bed of nails so I could get some relaxation and he absolutely ignored me.
We'll see about that.
You rang? Lurch, I'm afraid you're going to have to apologize to Uncle Fester.
That's better.
Dear Lurch, he expresses himself so well.
I don't blame anyone for rejecting me, the way I've ruined the family's outing.
Uncle Fester, Gomez and I aren't rejecting you.
- We want to help you.
- But the question is how? I believe it has something to do with your diet.
Impossible.
I always eat a very simple, wholesome meal.
Now, for breakfast this morning I had walnut shells and sour milk.
Oh, you should have had green persimmons first.
Naturally.
Gosh.
If there is something wrong with me, I hope it's one of those rare tropical diseases.
You know, Morticia.
Something glamorous.
I hope so too, dear.
But in the meantime, we must get you well before tomorrow.
Oh, you better go along without me.
I'll probably be an outing pooper.
Well, back to the smog.
Poor Uncle Fester.
He sounds suicidal.
At least he'll go with a clear sinus.
Uncle Fester! Don't try to discourage me, Morticia.
Uncle Fester, I've been thinking.
Have you been getting enough moonshine? Morticia, you know I don't drink.
Morticia's referring to moonbathing.
The moon has marvelous restorative powers for us Addamses.
Provided you don't take too much of it.
There's a full moon out tonight.
If I get too much I get freckles.
Nonsense.
A good moonbath is just the tonic you need.
Well, I don't know about Uncle Fester, but you've talked me into one.
Catch.
You little minx.
- Isn't this fun, Fester? - Oh, yes.
But I'm not out here for fun.
I'm out here to get my health back.
I'd watch myself with that reflector the first time around.
You should work up gradually to a nice coat of grey.
Very wise, darling.
Uncle Fester, would you like some of Mama's goose grease? Well, I had some.
It was delicious.
Uncle Fester, you're not supposed to eat it.
- You're supposed to rub it on you.
- Oh? Maybe that's why I don't feel any better.
Oh, now on top of everything I've got myself a severe moonburn.
Shucks.
Oh, Gomez, you were a handsome little boy.
- Darling, that's our son Pugsley.
- Oh? You're right, I thought he looked familiar.
Hello, Uncle Fester.
You still alive? - Well, don't I look it? - Of course, darling.
That moonbath did wonders for you.
Don't let this outdoorsy, athletic exterior fool you.
I feel rotten.
Thing doesn't look so hot, either.
He couldn't get past threesies four times in a row.
I think there is something wrong with him.
Thing, are you all right? Gomez, this is becoming serious.
I think there maybe something contagious going around.
You may be right.
We'd better check Zelda.
Zelda, dear, are you all right? She sounds fine.
Gomez, isn't that sweet? She's molting.
Beautiful.
Zelda, darling, you're not eating your lunch.
Dear, there is something wrong.
She's not eating, and that's her favorite dish.
Dry bones.
Wouldn't eat her dried bones.
This is serious.
There's only one solution.
We've got to call a doctor.
A doctor? Which one? The only one.
Our family witch doctor, Dr.
Mbogo.
Who did you want again? Oh, Dr.
Mbogo.
Wait a minute.
I'll see if I can get a hold of him.
Hold on.
Tish, remind me to get myself a hollow log.
Save a lot of time by dialing direct.
They are taking a long time getting through, aren't they? Yes.
Well, he's probably got a hut full of patients.
Give old Doc a good tsetse fly bite case and he can't tear himself away.
Hello? Doctor? Gomez Addams here.
Jambo to you too, Doctor.
Doctor, we're having a spot of trouble with Uncle Fester, and we'd appreciate it if you Really? Business is that good, eh? Well, if that's the way it is.
Goodbye.
What's the matter, dear? Dr.
Mbogo isn't making any more house calls.
Well, we're right back where we started from.
Well, now what in the world are we going to do? I should've engaged that Pygmy witch doctor when I had the chance.
He was reliable.
Besides, he could travel for half fare.
This really cancels our outing, doesn't it, Gomez? Well You mean I won't get to catch any spiders? I need some new ones.
I know, darling.
But we will go someday.
MORTICIA: After all, Uncle Fester isn't feeling well.
I'm an outing pooper.
There's only one thing left for us to do.
Tish, remember, please.
Nothing rash.
But I'm afraid the situation calls for it, dear.
We'll have to call a regular doctor.
Why, thank you, Thing.
You're still very efficient.
Darling, would you mind handing me the phone, please? - Certainly, my dear.
- Thank you.
I'll get it.
- Dr.
Milford.
- This is Mrs.
Addams.
Addams.
Yes.
We have the house across the street and down the block from you.
No, that's not empty.
That's us.
We call it our honeymoon cottage.
Oh, yes, Mrs.
Addams.
Now I get you.
What can I do for you? A member of our family is feeling a bit under and we wondered if you could stop by today? I'd be glad to.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
You think we did the right thing? Darling, if this doctor proves inadequate, we'll send out West for a medicine man.
Hello.
Hello, little girl.
This is the Addams house, isn't it? Are you the doctor that's going to cure Uncle Fester? Well, I'm certainly going to try my best.
Where's your mask and spear? My what? The last doctor we had came like that.
Yes, well This was the best I could do on the spur of the moment.
I hope you can cure Uncle Fester.
He can't even make the trains go.
Trains? We haven't had a good wreck all day.
So that's what a family doctor looks like.
He certainly doesn't inspire confidence.
Not like Dr.
Mbogo.
And I'm afraid I won't be able to settle his fee for a few painted beads, either.
What's that little black bag he's carrying? I don't know, dear.
But I'm sure, because it's black, it's something to help you.
I don't think I'm gonna like him.
The white hair and those glasses.
How un-medical can he get? Dr.
Milford.
How do you do, Doctor? This is my lovely bride, Morticia.
And this is our patient, Uncle Fester.
I feel fine.
Go away.
I'm not going to harm you.
I don't like quacks.
You'll have to forgive him.
MORTICIA: He's used to our old family doctor.
But he's busy with his tribe.
Oh.
Wonderful doctor.
Cured my pneumonia by dousing me with kerosene and pouring ashes over my head.
Sometimes the old-fashioned remedies are best.
Well, Doctor, would you like Mrs.
Addams and me to leave? You're not gonna leave me alone with him.
No.
That won't be necessary.
Not for the moment, at least.
All right.
Make yourself comfortable.
Doctor Now if you'll just take off your coat, I can start my examination.
I never take my coat off.
I just couldn't.
He's really very modest.
Well, all right.
I'll try and work around it.
Sit right here, please.
Fester.
Right.
My dear.
Now open your mouth and say "ah.
" This is most unusual.
Your tongue is bright blue.
Blue? It's supposed to be green.
FESTER: I am sick.
Don't worry, old boy.
We'll pull you through.
Just think about how nice it's going to be tomorrow this time.
That's the only thing that's keeping me going.
Hoping little Wednesday gets some nice Black Widows.
Most unusual.
Most unusual.
Well, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to take one arm out of your coat for this test.
- Never! - But No! Very well.
I'll try it over your sleeve.
Most unusual.
I daresay I'll have a paper for the medical journal from this one.
Interesting patient, isn't he, Doctor? Unbelievable.
He does have some unusual methods, doesn't he? Yes, indeed.
I wish he'd shake his rattles or yell a few times as Dr.
Mbogo does.
Makes you feel like he's accomplishing something.
Will you open the front of your coat, please? Of course not.
Not in front of Morticia.
I'll look the other way, Uncle Fester.
Very well.
What is it, Doctor? Don't spare us.
What do you think? I think I'd better forget the medical journal.
Contact Believe It or Not.
I'd better take your temperature.
GOMEZ: I took his pulse just before you got here.
And? Well, either my watch has stopped or he's been dead for 20 minutes.
He exaggerates so.
I'm not so sure.
Three below zero? By Jove, he's broken the family record.
No wonder I felt a little bit chilly.
I'd better close the windows.
No, no, no, that can't be right.
I'd better take another reading.
It's very tasty.
What have you done? I was so hungry Poor dear hasn't touched a thing all day.
Even when he does eat he can't resist those between-meal snacks.
May I use your phone? I'll have to alert the emergency hospital.
Hey, Doc, you got another one of those things? Really hits the spot.
The thermometer? Do you realize you've swallowed almost a full ounce of mercury? Well, it's a real picker-upper.
Now he's beginning to look like his old self again.
He is? Dr.
Milford, you're a genius, an absolute genius.
- I am? - I could kiss you.
- Please.
- That was a real medical coup.
Pure mercury with Well, some of medical science's greatest discoveries have come about by accident.
- Accident.
Isn't he the modest one? - Yes.
Doctor, before you go, we have one other patient we'd like for you to look at.
Thing hasn't been feeling well at all lately.
- Thing? - Yes.
I'm all out of thermometers.
Oh, you won't need a thermometer for Thing.
This way.
Thing, we have a surprise for you.
Dr.
Milford has cured Uncle Fester and now he wants to have a look at you.
- What's the matter with him? - Maybe he caught what you had.
Nonsense.
He probably just remembered an appointment he has.
Well, he won't be able to do much without his little black bag.
Hey, these are tasty.
You know, calling a family doctor is like having your own delicatessen.
I suppose that lets out Dr.
Mbogo.
It certainly does.
Unless it's something really serious.
Darling, isn't it wonderful that Thing wasn't really sick? Just depressed over our having to cancel our outing.
Quite so, cara mía.
Thing always has the family's interests at heart.
Back to your usual jolly yourself again, eh, Thing? Looks like you're planning something special for us, Uncle Fester.
This will be the greatest family outing we've ever had.
Watch.
Bravo! Bravo, Uncle Fester.
You've really outdone yourself this time.
From now on, Uncle Fester, no more Christmas trees.
We'll hang everything on you.