The Big Fat Quiz of the Year (2013) s01e18 Episode Script

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Hello and welcome to The Big Fat Quiz of 2019.
The number one way to not have to talk to your family for two hours.
You're welcome.
We're the biggest Christmas quiz since Joseph said to Mary, "What do you mean, 'God got you pregnant'?" Let's meet our teams.
It's beauty and the beast, it looks like we're doing a live-action remake of Shrek.
It's Dara O'Briain and Maya Jama! Sorry.
I apologise for the beauty and the beast thing, I think Maya's actually not bad looking.
Next up, one of them sits around all day just doing nothing.
The other is sitcom star Asim Chaudhry.
It's Roisin Conaty and Asim Chaudhry! And, finally, it almost doesn't seem possible but these two are both weirder than each other.
One is a geek, the other has a beak.
It's Richard Ayoade and Noel Fielding! Have you worked out pub quiz team names? Yeah.
OK.
Sure.
What? Yeah.
Let's go with "The Mayajamadararama".
- What? Is that what we're doing? - That's what we're doing, yeah.
- Mayajamadararama? - The Mayajamadararama.
- It sounds amazing.
- It does sound good, doesn't it? It sounds like a band from the late '60s that I would like.
You invited The Mayajamadararama.
I can extend it.
The Mayajamarama-bamalamadingdong.
I think that'd be too much.
That's a hat on a hat.
- I don't want to overkill this.
- Mayajamadararama.
Roisin? Asim? What you think? What's the name? OK, so, it's I'm very proud of this one, actually.
Quiz Hurley and Huge Grant.
Come on! - Come on, guys! - It's Christmas! Boys? Richard? Noel? Diminishing Returns.
Yeah, that seems - That seems apposite.
- Thank you.
Are you going to be taking this seriously at all this year? Because, I seem to remember, last year you were just terrible.
What do you mean? Why do you have us back? I never know why.
Well, because one of these years it's going to pay out.
- I feel sure.
- Really? What on earth gives you that idea? OK.
One of the biggest mobile trends of the year was FaceApp, which showed us how we'd all look when we were older.
So, Dara, here's you when you're older.
Do I own a ship and make fish fingers? Roisin, I can only apologise for what we've done to you.
Oh, my God.
It's not good.
I'm in the same dress, you dickhead! What's good is it shows that you've really taken care of that top.
Has anyone here ever wondered what Noel Fielding's nana might look like? Because here's a clue.
Oh, God.
It turns out she knew about the crimes the whole time.
OK.
Right, let's get on with the show! Our first round is all about the year's top stories.
2019 is a year that's sure to go down in history.
They all do.
That's how history works.
Extinction Rebellion dominated the headlines.
It's incredibly important we stop polar ice caps from melting because, if they disappear, where am I going to go to hunt polar bears? There was ANOTHER election in December.
As a nation, over the last four years, we've had more elections than hot dinners.
Although, to be fair, with austerity, that's not that many.
It was announced Prince Andrew will be stepping down from royal duties to spend more time with his daughters, instead of other people's daughters.
Right, let's get started.
Here are some questions for you.
Take a look at this clip.
All I want to know is, why are these priests attending mass wearing hard hats? I can tell you it is not Bob the Builder's funeral.
Oh, next up, we've got a question from heart-throb Luke Evans.
Hello, Jimmy.
Any actor will tell you that the most important thing on set is the catering, and that goes for any workplace.
But, during the US government shutdown in January, Donald Trump had trouble catering for the Clemson University football team, who came to visit him.
Can you remember what he served? OK, so, what did Trump serve a football team visiting the White House? Are you gelling as a team, Roisin? - Er, yeah, I'd say so.
- Yeah.
- I think I'm going to steal his jumper.
- Yeah.
What? Rather than wear that dress again? It wouldn't be The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year if we didn't have an appearance from the children of Mitchell Brook Primary School performing one of their unconventional school plays.
Take a little look.
Ooh! Order! I'm bored, everyone out.
That's not fair! I don't care.
I'm in charge.
What happened now? The court can decide.
We think it's legal.
We think it's illegal.
I made my mind up.
We must open again.
Back to work! Oh, no! Yay! Pretty adorable and, genuinely, they could do a better job than the people in charge.
Couldn't they? OK, so, here's the question.
That was Boris Johnson being told by Lady Hale that his suspension of parliament was unlawful.
Earlier this year, Boris Johnson reassured the nation that Brexit won't affect the things we love.
All I want you to do is fill in the blanks in this Boris Johnson statement.
Just fill in the blanks.
Next, all I want to know is, why did a restaurant get the following reviews online? What? I've realised that the Prince Andrew thing is basically a very posh version of Shaggy's It Wasn't Me.
# Saw you dripping on the dance floor # I cannot sweat It wasn't sweat, it was grease from the garlic dough balls.
The sweat's gone inside.
- Where's the sweat coming out from? - I was How does he cool down? With his tongue? I was shot at during the war and I cannot sweat.
But you still have to get rid of excess body heat.
He doesn't.
It wasn't me.
Maybe he plans a sweat.
He just can't.
He can't.
He had a traumatic experience and he can't sweat .
.
for a while.
Now he's back to sweating again.
Yeah.
For a dozen brutal years, he had to ejaculate sweat.
That's the only way it will come out.
I am so confused.
Can he actually not sweat? He basically said, "I can't sweat because I'm a war hero.
" Which in terms of excuses is up there with, "Oh, sorry I'm late.
I'm in the SS.
" Really? I mean, if we have not given away this one, I don't know if we're ever going to give one away.
You've still got to write down answers.
- What's the question? - What restaurant they were in.
The question was, why did the restaurant get those reviews? And then we all just start talking about it as if it's not a quiz .
.
and I've fully lost control.
OK.
In October, Extinction, Rebellion protesters hit the streets of London.
Here they are demonstrating outside the Treasury back in October.
Those Extinction Rebellion! The protesters hit the headlines all over the world.
All I want you to do is draw the Extinction Rebellion symbol.
I've got placards behind you.
You've got marker pens.
So, you've just got a draw the Extinction Rebellion symbol.
What, from memory? What do you mean, "From memory"? What? Yeah.
Yes, Rois.
You've got to draw their symbol from your memory.
All right, you've all got Right, let's go through all the answers.
OK.
I showed you some priests attending mass wearing hard hats.
What was going on? We wrote, "God hates Notre Dame.
" No, wait.
I don't agree with that.
God loves everyone.
BUT I think Everyone except the hunchback.
Hates them.
Hates them.
OK, Roisin, Asim? We just put Notre Dame.
That's it.
I mean, first question of the quiz, I thought I'd take it seriously, you know? Did you get this, Richard, Noel? - What do you think? - Probably not.
- What did you write? - Auditioning for Devo.
You thought Wait, let's go back to the priests.
And you thought they were auditioning for Devo? - Yeah.
- Who our audience don't know.
Who are Devo? What's Devo's big song? What's Devo's big song?! - Yes.
- What am I, Spotify? OK, so, points, points, no points.
OK, Luke Evans asked you what Donald Trump served a university football team when they visited the White House.
Roisin? What have you written? McDonald's and lies.
Satire! Satire! - I like that.
- That should be their name.
McDonald's and Lies.
Dara? Maya? What did you get? We just said straight fast food.
Straight fast food.
Well, that is closer to the truth.
Richard? Noel? He said human flesh.
You think he served them human flesh? And then we said satsumas.
And also dips.
And then dips.
He had some athletes that had won a competition come into the White House.
He served them 300 McDonald's burgers, Burger King burgers, Wendy's burgers.
Abraham Lincoln cannot bear to look at him.
- Points, points, no points.
- Aw! That's going to be the theme of the evening.
Here we go.
OK.
You saw the children of Mitchel.
Brook Primary School acting out Boris Johnson's unlawful suspension of parliament.
I wanted you to fill in the blanks on Boris reassuring us.
Now, what did you get? Was the full sentence, Dara? We went for, "This country will be amply provided for, not only with Calpol, not only with drinking water, but also with European shit we might miss.
" OK, Rois, Asim? I just wrote, "Suspending parliament.
" What? W-What have you done? In the little box, that says, "Ample cream.
" "Not only with ample cream.
" And, also, someone's written, "Mermaid?" That? No, "Memories.
" Memories.
Memories, Jimmy.
Memories, not mermaids.
"This country will be amply provided, "not only with memories" No, "ample cream.
" ".
.
ample cream, not only with drinking water, - "but also with memories.
" - "Memories.
" - Brine - Brine.
- .
.
and bat spray.
It was, "This country will be amply provided for" Like I said, "European shit we will miss.
No points, no points, no points.
OK.
I asked you if you knew why restaurant got a rush of reviews in November.
What did you all put? - Prince Andrew visited there.
- You got Prince Andrew.
- Prince Andrew as well.
- You got Prince Andrew.
Wait, hang on, Richard and Noel got one right.
Is that Can we double-check the answer? You were right.
OK, points, points, points.
- OK.
- I just don't like Pizza Express being brought into all this.
That's what I don't like.
I want a Pizza Express from Woking.
Have we mentioned pizza too much.
Do we need a Pizza Express? - Dara, did you want pizza? - Yeah, if there's a chance of it? I'll have a latte.
LAUGHTER - Latte? - Caramel latte.
I'll have a tequila pineapple.
Tequila pineapple? Yeah, it's actually my favourite drink in the world.
- It's a good drink.
- Can I get an Irish coffee, then? Yeah, OK, so, Irish coffee Irish coffee, extra sweat.
Extra sweat? OK, so, Irish coffee Are we just ordered anything now? We live in tele.
I'd like to get an Old Fashioned but mixed by Don Draper.
OK.
I asked you to draw the Extinction Rebellion symbol.
What have you got? So, I didn't actually know what it was, so I just thought, "Stop it now.
" And thensome flags.
Dara, what have you got? I started writing "ER", and then I got this huge wave of pro-queen I don't know where it came from, for me, an Irishman.
So I drew a picture of the queen and the crown, and it may look like a stamp.
That's very nice of you, Dara.
I think mine's right, and it's from memory.
- From what, sorry? - Memory.
IMITATING ROISIN: From memory.
JIMMY CARR! You just said it in such a weird way.
Memory.
And then you did it again! - Memory.
- So, hang on.
Why is there a tree and a cat? Because they're going to be the things that benefit.
- Trees.
You like trees? - AUDIENCE: Yeah.
- You like cats? - Yeah.
There you go.
That's how you market this.
What does it say? "From my memory.
" What have you done there, Asim? Everything looks better with a beard, apparently, so Yeah, OK.
Noel Fielding, I notice yours isn't - I've got one.
- Yeah, sure.
That's my first attempt.
And then I thought I'd make an art statement.
How did you do that? I stole some gaffer off the floor and I had a banana on me.
Richard Ayoade? Yeah, that's correct.
- That's correct.
- That is the correct symbol.
This is the way they draw it.
OK.
No points, points, points.
OK.
So, at the end of that round, let's take a look at the scores.
With two points, it's Richard and Noel.
Dara and Maya have three.
In the lead, Roisin and Asim with four points! We'll be back in a minute to answer more of the biggest questions of the year.
Like, how do the people from Extinction Rebellion get to the protest? See you in five.
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz.
Our next round is all about the music of 2019.
It's been an incredible year for singer songwriter Lewis Capaldi.
He conquered the UK charts, the US charts and embarked on a sold out tour, making him the country's most successful ever Cabbage Patch Doll.
Kylie's appearance was the most-watched Glastonbury performance ever.
3.
2 million people tuned in to see Kylie's legends slot.
Not me.
I tuned in for the music.
LAUGHTER Jesus Christ! APPLAUSE The Jonas Brothers got back together this year, which I guess means the Jonas Brothers split up.
The Spice Girls went back on tour this year.
Things have changed.
I used to really fancy the Spice Girls, but these days I have trouble deciding what order I wouldn't want to have sex with them in.
I actually think they all look really good! - Yeah.
- Well, they do, but the joke still gets a laugh, so Right, let's have some questions.
Kanye had a great 2019.
Dropped a gospel album called Jesus Is King, announced his first ever opera, Nebuchadnezzar, and claimed to be considering changing his name, but to what? Brian? Just for a quiet day.
TEAMS CONFER For our next question, it's over to the Channel 4 newsroom, and the one and only Jon Snow.
He's reporting on one of the biggest songs of the year, but can you guess which one it is? Take it away, Jon.
A major drinks manufacturer has issued a recall on all its products after witnesses reported a number of customers were getting loose after consumption.
The non-alcoholic beverage is said to be making people feel like they are shiny and drippin' with so much sauce, with witness reports stating that those who have consumed the liquid have quickly become incoherent, repeating, "Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee," over and over.
When questioned by reporters, the chief executive of the company claimed, "It ain't my fault that I'm out here making news," and that she was "not the baddest bitch involved.
" The beverage is soon to be analysed by scientists after experts have speculated that a possible contamination could be traced back to the goose.
More information as we have it.
Back to you, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER - Oh.
- Sorry, Maya, you're asking Dara? OK.
- No, no - LAUGHTER - That feels like it doesn't bode well for this answer.
- I had to I know it.
Yeah, sure.
It's quite a hard game, this, because it's not just like what - you think.
It's how much space you have.
- Yeah, we can't delete or anything.
It's space management, largely.
And the pen is actually very large.
Too much girth on the pen.
There's too much girth on the pen?! Well, for the size we've got, the pen's too girthy.
- It's very girthy.
- Girthy! OK.
Next, from The Rise of Skywalker, it's Naomi Ackie.
Hi, Jimmy.
One of my favourite things about Star Wars is that everyone has their own unique style of communicating, from droids to Jawas.
American rapper Cardi B also has her very own style, and this year attempted to trademark her signature catchphrase.
Can you tell me what it is? So what catchphrase did Cardi B attempt to trademark this year? I feel like you've got to do the hand gestures to get in the spirit of Cardi.
Like, reow-ih-oo, ih-oo It's gonna be one of those.
Yeah, that's what I do all the time.
Get in the spirit of Cardi.
I'm in the Cardi spirit now! That sounded like a porno sort of guitar music.
Ee-ow! Oow.
Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra.
That's what she does.
Why is this artist so popular?! You all got something? We got something.
Billie Eilish topped the charts with her hit song Bad Guy.
In the song, what does she say she'll do to your mama, your girlfriend and your dad? Point for each.
I'll take your mum to the movies and your sister to the streets I didn't know you couldn't sing! The last one was the dad.
The dad, yes.
She's going to do something to your dad.
Refuse to pay back a loan.
JIMMY SIGHS OK, all right.
Last for this round, it's over to music mogul Louis Walsh.
Hi, Jimmy.
You can tell a lot about a person by their home.
For instance, Simon Cowell has a giant sculpture of my face in his dining room.
But this year, Ed Sheeran got in trouble with his neighbours for building something on his Suffolk estate that they weren't happy with.
Can you remember what it was? Louis Walsh.
I presumed he said you can tell a lot of person by their hole.
Eh, and And that is very true.
- You all got answers for everything? - Yes.
OK.
Here we go.
I asked you if you could remember what Kanye West was going to change his name to.
- What have you got? - "Get Me Off Twitter", as a new name.
Then, what was your one? Christian? Well, it looks like Christian McGonigal, which I think is far better than his actual suggestion.
"I shall be known as Christian McGonigal now!" I shall only sing the sea shanties of Scotland.
He's like Christian Billionaire or something.
- Christian Billion - Billionaire.
He's had a hard year, so he went through many different stages.
I hated him then I liked him.
Then I felt really sorry for him.
And now I'm just a bit like, come on, Kanye.
Now he's Christian McGonigle! - You've gone with Christian Billionaire.
- Billionaire, yeah.
I can give you that.
It's Christian Genius Billionaire.
- Oh, wow.
- What did you get, Roisin? Pete Feet.
LAUGHTER Basically what we thought was, you know when you have a fashion range but then you bring out a cheap version that you put in Debenhams? Instead of Yeezy, he just brings out little trainers called Pete Feet.
You got the new Pete Feet? Bangin', mate.
Richard, Noel, did you get it? Richard, what's been written? Prince Andrew.
Prince "No Sweat" Andrew.
But also, Christian Billionaire Kanye West.
Point, point, no point.
OK.
You saw Jon Snow reporting on one of the biggest songs of the year.
Did you get what it was? Maya, again, your area of expertise.
Yeah.
So I've gone with Lizzo, Juice.
- Aw.
- Damn it.
Asim, what have you gone for? - Well - Fleetwood Mac.
LAUGHTER Richard, Noel? Brine, by Prince Andrew and the Sweats.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Well, let's go back to Jon Snow to see what the answer was.
# It ain't my fault that I'm out here gettin' loose # Gotta blame it on the Goose # Gotta blame it on my juice, baby # It ain't my fault that I'm out here makin' news # I'm the pudding in the proof # Gotta blame it on my juice Ya-ya-ee APPLAUSE It's like your pissed grandad at Christmas, isn't it? - Love him.
- Next up, Naomi Ackie asked you if you remembered what catchphrase Cardi B was trying to trademark.
Roisin, Asim? "Two for a pound.
" LAUGHTER IN EAST END ACCENT: Two for a pahnd! - Again, another very good team name, that.
- Yeah.
Richard, Noel, what did you put? "Nice to see you to see you" LAUGHTER ".
.
to see you nice.
" You thought Cardi B tried to catch She is sneaky.
That man's dead.
As soon as that man dropped, she tried to copyright that.
She says she's never heard him say it! And also, she tried to copyright "Better out than in.
" Which is my catchphrase.
I do know the real answer.
OK, what's the real answer? NOEL: Mem-or-y! LAUGHTER Roisin's going to be using her "memory".
It was, erm "Okurrr".
- Okurrr.
- Yeah.
- Oku - That's exactly right, yeah.
Nothing comes out! - If we invent a noise now, here, as a team - Yeah.
We could get a trademark.
We could copyright "Mem-or-y".
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, points, points, no points.
Jimmy, Jimmy, why do we get no points?! Please, Jimmy, it's crazy! No points! I asked you if you knew what Billie Eilish was going to do to respectively, your mum, your girlfriend and your dad.
Richard and Noel, let's go straight to you.
Wait, who's the first one? It's your mum.
Get overly close.
Which you shouldn't do.
- Girlfriend? - Girlfriend Be passive aggressive.
- The third one? - The third one was dad.
Wipe him down.
No, no and no.
Asim, what have you got? First one, prank call.
- Prank call mum.
- Yeah.
- Fine.
- OK.
- Girlfriend? - Headbutt.
Head by a nut.
- Nut your mum? No, nut your dad.
- What's the second one? - Girlfriend.
- Girlfriend.
- That's weird then.
Quite violent, yeah.
As if that would have been right if it was in the right order.
I can't read what The last one, we've just written "sex on them".
Do sex on them is right.
She might seduce your dad.
Did you get these, Maya? Yeah, but "I'm the mad type" - Seduce your dad type.
- Yeah.
- Make your This is why I got a bit lost.
I didn't know if it was make your mama mad and make your girlfriend sad or make your girlfriend sad to make your mama mad.
It was the first one.
It was make your mama sad, make your girlfriend mad tight.
But I'll give you APPLAUSE But presumably if you're gonna have sex with the dad you're going to have to wipe him down after.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE As a courtesy.
A courtesy wipe.
It's a courtesy wipe.
Let's take a look at Billie Eilish in action.
# I'm the bad type # Make your mama sad type # Make your girlfriend mad tight # Might seduce your dad type # I'm the bad guy Duh Three points there, one point there, no points there.
OK, finally, Louis Walsh asked you how Ed Sheeran upset his neighbours.
He put a swimming pool into his A swimming pool into his estate or his land or his grounds, or whatever, but claimed it was a wildlife pond.
Well, I think it's very clearly a wildlife pond, Dara.
- Take a look.
That's a wildlife pond.
- Of course it is.
And if we zoom in on that, which we can do, look, there's the diving board for the wildlife.
OK.
Did you get this, Roisin, Asim? We put down a large bingo hall.
You think he built a bingo hall? For the village.
OK, Richard, Noel? Sex dojo.
- A sex dojo?! - Yeah.
RICHARD: I don't know what a dojo is.
- What the hell is a sex dojo? - I don't know! - Well, it's a kidney bean shaped swimming pool.
We also put, erm A missile range.
And a key-cutting kiosk.
Points, no points, no points.
OK, time for a bonus round.
This is the part of the show where I introduce a mystery guest.
All you have to do is guess who they are and how they made the news this year.
You can only ask them yes or no questions.
Ladies and gentlemen, our mystery guest.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE How are you? So this is our mystery guest.
You can ask him yes or no questions.
MAYA: Are you a dancer? - No.
- OK.
How did you get here? - I don't think I can answer that.
- Bicycle? RICHARD: You can't answer?! No, because it's yes or no questions.
Are you Maya and Dara's kid? Maybe.
Maybe.
You don't know? Now Jeremy Kyle's gone, you come on here for the DNA results.
- Are you regretting the decision to come? - Yes.
Have you recently, like, become famous or been in the public eye? Yeah, that's I mean, I said that in the intro! - The intro? - Yes, I said he made the news this year! - Why'd you think we brought him on?! - Sorry.
- We didn't just pluck him out the audience! - Sorry! - You crazy fool.
- Sorry! It's my It's my mem-or-y! As the only gamer here, I'd imagine, I'm totally excited because I know exactly who you are and what you did and it's really good.
The more specific you can be, the more points I'll give you.
Did you play video games and win lots of money? Yes.
What a guess! - Oh, do you play Fortnite? - I just got it! Why is the reaction not huge?! You have to write down your answers.
Because that's why.
- I just got it! - You got it for everyone.
I know you've got it, but you got it for everyone, so you kind of I'm in shock here.
And you lot could have been more pleased for me if I'm honest.
I'll go to Dara because Dara's a gamer, you'll know the full thing.
It was an international Fortnite tournament.
I think you came second, didn't you, in the group that you were in and won more than $1 million for doing it.
It was pretty sweet as a thing to do.
OK.
So tell us exactly what happened.
Who are you? So I came on the news in July this year for coming second at the Fortnite World Cup.
And how much money did you win? $1.
125 million.
Woo! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Wow! I'm not sure how Fortnite tournaments - pardon my ignorance - but how did it work? So you had to qualify in stages through, like, out of the months and ten weeks of qualifying and then if you qualified, came in top position in one of the weeks, you got to go to New York to compete in the World Cup.
- What have you done with the money? - I bought my mum a house.
Aww! Huge.
Huge! That's the dream.
That is the dream.
That's the coolest thing I've ever heard.
But how is it in school? Is everyone not really jealous of you, because being a Fortnite champion now is basically like being David Beckham back in the day.
So I tried to, like, not brag at it too much, like.
If you're trying not to brag it too much, it's probably a good idea not to appear on TV shows.
A bunch of people think you're very cool.
I think I'll be good at it.
I think I could take you.
- Just a feeling.
- You can keep thinking that, but APPLAUSE All right, everyone, points, points, points, right? - Everyone got this.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Cor, everyone got this.
I'm very impressed by you, genuinely, it is a fantastic thing.
Buying your mum a house is maybe the greatest thing I've ever heard.
Round of applause for this guy.
Amazing.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's amazing.
Let's take a look and see what that's done to the scores.
Richard and Noel have four, and they're lucky to have four.
Roisin and Asim have seven.
In the lead, Dara and Maya with 11.
APPLAUSE See you after the break for more Big Fat questions.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big round of applause for Jaden.
Thanks for coming on.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz.
Our next round Well, I say our next round.
We've all got drinks.
We've also, I think, got a pizza for Dara.
Have we've got pizza for Dara? Delicious.
I tell you what, if you're sitting at home and you have pineapple and tequila in the house, you could do a lot worse than this.
Our next round is all about science and technology in 2019.
Goody! Thanks to a severe power outage, Facebook and Instagram came to a standstill for over 14 hours in March.
On the upside, Britain's most productive day, ever.
In July, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos settled a 38 billion dollar divorce, although he doesn't call it "getting divorced.
" He calls it a "robust returns policy.
" In November, YouTube heavyweights KSI and Logan Paul took part in a boxing match, causing anyone over the age of 35 to ask, "Who's Logan Paul, and what is a KSI?" Logan Paul eventually lost his battle with KSI.
I assume the antibiotics didn't work.
OK, ready for some more big fat questions? That was my favourite one yet, Jimmy.
I really liked that.
Thank you.
You are you are a treasure.
OK.
For our first question in this round, it's over to one half of Bros.
It's Luke Goss! Hi, there, Jimmy.
After the release of the Bros film, my social media went absolutely crazy, with lots of people tweeting us about conkers, "conversation corners" and the comeback, of course.
But, in October, Hollywood star Jennifer Aniston joined Instagram and she broke the Internet with her very first post.
But can you remember what she posted? There's a certain sadness to his delivery towards the end of that.
- Yeah, it was poignant.
- It was quite nuanced.
Love her.
- You love her? - Yeah, yeah.
Luke Goss? No, no, no.
Jennifer Aniston.
Oh, Jennifer Aniston.
Yeah, OK.
What was the question, Jimmy? The question was, how did Jennifer Aniston break the Internet? - You can't break the Internet.
- She did.
- She broke the Internet.
- No, you can't.
It's like a system of signals.
My favourite punchline of the night.
"It's a system of signals.
" It's a lovely - It's a really nice sentence as well.
- Thank you.
In November, Elon Musk revealed his new Tesla vehicle, called Cybertruck.
It was described as an armoured personnel carrier from the future.
What went wrong at the big unveiling? It does look amazing.
If you're a 14-year-old boy, wow.
OK.
So, what happened at the big unveiling of that car? The Cybertruck.
They took, like, a blanket off it.
Why did this picture of an egg posted online from an unknown Instagram account in January make headlines around the world and receive unprecedented viral success? Mind your own business.
- Was it this egg? - It was that egg.
It was that picture of that egg.
Little bit of tequila and What flavour of pizza did you go for? Just some meat and veg and stuff like that.
When am I getting snacks? I've been really good about it.
Do you want snacks? Course I bloody want snacks.
It's Christmas.
OK.
What online challenge from this year saw Jason Statham do it on a rooftop, Kendall Jenner do it on a jet ski and Mariah Carey do it with her high notes.
In what way is this a science and technology round, exactly? RICHARD: Yes.
In the way that this round This round and the sports round, you'll notice Is this the "shit off the internet" round? I'd say Dara's making a very compelling case for this round being bullshit.
You cannot break the Internet, Jimmy.
You can't.
It's a system of signals.
I looked into it.
For the next question, please welcome a special guest, Emma.
Oh, my God.
OK.
This is Emma.
She was released in October as a warning to the public.
But what was she warning people of? I can tell you she has a hunchback, red eyes, a protruding stomach and varicose veins.
And she is Noel's mum.
My mum watches this! You need to take that back.
My mum likes you, you dick.
I like your mum.
You know I like your mum.
And she's standing in front of you.
OK, so, she's got the hunchback, she's got the red eyes, protruding stomach, varicose veins.
She was built to warn the public about something.
What is she warning you of? Brexit.
Is the skin tone part of the thing? The skin tone? Yeah, part of it.
Yeah.
It does not look healthy.
OK, everyone finished? Let's have some answers.
So, Luke Goss wanted to know, how did Jennifer Aniston break the Internet? What have you all got? - I said she posted a picture - Of her friends.
And he was like, "No, it's THE friends.
" Friends.
It's the Friends friends.
What did you get, Roisin? Dick pic.
You think Jennifer Aniston got her dick out? - Not hers.
- Not hers.
- She posted a dick pic.
- Yeah.
She can pay for that.
She's got loads to choose from.
Richard, what did you put? I can't remember.
I mean, what does that say? Well, you're on his team.
- I put F-R-I-E-N-D-S - Yes, you wrote Friends.
.
.
over the top.
Friends.
OK.
Well, I can tell you, she posted a selfie of herself and the rest of the cast of Friends.
There it is.
And, yeah, her Instagram page crashed as too many people were trying to access it.
She received eight million likes in less than 24 hours and set a Guinness World Record for the fastest Instagram account to reach one million followers.
OK.
I wanted to know if you knew what happened at Elon Musk's launch of the Cybertruck.
So, we wrote, "The bulletproof window smashed.
" "Bracket, not widow," because I thought my handwriting is a bit strange and it looked like I wrote, "The bulletproof widow.
" The Bulletproof Widow sounds like a great comic book, Dara.
It sounds like the crime novel sensation of 2019.
Asim, what have you got? Yeah, windows broke.
They threw some stones at it or something.
OK, and Richard, Noel, you probably got this? Easy one.
I've got, "Elon Musk sharted.
" Let's take a look at the embarrassing moment during the launch.
Franz, can you try to break this glass, please? - You sure? - Yeah.
Oh, my fucking God.
Well .
.
maybe that was a little too hard.
Try the other one, really? OK.
- Oh, man.
- It didn't go through.
- "It didn't go through.
" - Oh, my God.
But it still stopped it.
That's the point of a bulletproof It's not that it pings off.
It did stop the rock The metal ball that was being thrown.
That's really awkward, though.
What did he expect? Not even a shatter? Yeah, that it would just, like, bounce off.
Doing! Well, the idea that they put bulletproof glass on it is the crazy thing cos no-one thinks, "I need a new car, but what if I get shot?" There's no hope in that design.
That's a design for war.
No.
That's basically saying, "Nothing's good's going to happen.
" Imagine the music when that comes round the corner.
It's not like, # La-la-la-la-la.
# It's like, # Eep-eep-eep-eep! # OK.
I asked why this egg made headlines around the world and received unprecedented viral success? What did you all put? It was the most-liked picture on Instagram at one point.
No? - What? - Was it not? - Yeah, it was.
Yeah.
- Oh.
Did you get this? We said it released sex tape.
It leaked its own sex tape.
- Two girls, one egg.
- Two girls, one egg.
So, Kylie Jenner had the most-posted thing, and someone went online and said, "Let's beat it.
" And they did beat it.
It has got, so far, 50 million likes.
- OK.
- Although, I mean, it's a good looking egg.
Richard and Noel, you got quite a topical one here, I see.
Guess who had control of the pen? I just put Do you remember Mork & Mindy? Didn't his spaceship look like an egg? Jimmy, don't turn away dismissively like that.
So dismissive.
Let the material breathe.
Let it breathe.
Look at The Irishman.
It's, like, two days long.
Let it breathe.
Netflix are doing it.
I call him Dara.
I definitely thought he was talking about me there, yeah.
I asked you what online challenge did Jason Statham, Kendall Jenner and Mariah Carey all attempt this year? What have you got? We just wrote, "Did their tax online.
" Please.
Glass house.
A good thing to remind people of.
Oh, right.
That wasn't even a shot at you.
Richard, Noel? Jason Statham shot an egg out of his vagina.
I wouldn't put it past him.
He's an incredible man.
- Dara? Maya? - No, he's got it.
- Bottle cap challenge.
Bottle cap challenge.
Yeah, yeah, we said the same.
The bottle cap challenge.
Bottle cap challenge, yeah.
Should we take a look? Yeah, see, he actually did it properly, but I feel like a lot of people that were doing it had it just lightly touched at the top and then we're just blowing it off.
That's cheating.
We have a bottle top here if you'd like to do better? - Er, no way.
- Please, feel free.
Can I use Noel's mum to do it? Can you all stop referring to that as my mum? - OK, I can't use that? - You can't use that.
You've got this.
What if I break the camera? No-one gives a fuck.
No-one cares.
If you break it, you break it.
What should I do, a round house thing? Oh, do a round house thing.
Yeah.
You can do it, Asim.
Do a jumping round house, Asim.
That's what you want to do.
- A jumping round house?! - Go on, Bruce Lee.
A jumping round house? OK.
Ready? Noel, do you want to have a go? He's got the shoes for it.
He has got the shoes for this.
It's glued down, Jimmy! Come on.
OK, so it's not - Oh, yeah.
- Here we go.
ROISIN: Yeah! What you really need is a bit of slow-mo, little bit slow-mo, and some music, and then it always looks good.
Have a look.
Does it twist off, rather than you just kicking the shit out of the bottle? Well, in an ideal world.
But, you know, we were in a hurry.
Yeah.
It made you look very sort of attractive, that kick.
Sorry? THAT did it for you? - It just - Argh! Oh, no, no, no.
At full speed you look like an old man mounting a stile.
Thank you.
OK.
I need to know about this lady, here.
What was she warning the public about? If you work in the office all your life, then you might end up looking like that, I think, is what they said.
That's exactly, exactly the story.
Yeah.
Why is she challenging so many people to arm wrestles? Oh, I think she looks like she's asking people to dance.
Or is she going, "Come this way ".
.
to the printer.
" You've never worked in an office.
You could have stopped after "worked.
" Rois, Asim, what did you write? I didn't think it was an office.
I thought it was people looking at their phones.
You thought looking at your phone would give you varicose veins .
.
hairy ears and nose, a hunchback? What are you doing with your phone? Just sort of that stuff, really.
OK, Richard, Noel, what did you get? I don't know what we said.
We did bad posture in the workplace.
I wrote, "Croyf Yakoff Disease" in a really weird way.
OK.
- We got a point, Jimmy! - We got it right.
- You did get A point in there.
- We got two! Bad posture in the workplace, Jimmy.
What the fuck is going on? What is this, Jimmy? What is this? You wheel out my mother on Boxing Day.
What's this really about, Jimmy? What is happening.
Who's touched you? OK, so, Emma was designed to show how desk-bound workers will look in 20 years' time.
She's based on a future work colleague report created by fellow scientists.
Whoever the fuck that is.
Points, no points, points.
OK.
Hey, hey, we got three! Yeah, we did, well done.
What's with the no points? We got it right.
You wrote "phones.
" Yeah.
- How is that right? - Screens.
Same shit.
You guys have really trailed off since "memory".
OK, let's take a look and see what that's done to the scores.
I can tell you that Richard and Noel are lucky to have seven.
Just ahead, Asim and Roisin with eight.
Dara and Maya on 16.
Join us after the break.
And, remember, anyone could still win, especially now Russian bots have hacked out scoring system.
See you in five.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz.
Our next round is all about film and TV in 2019.
Series three of The Crown this year was huge.
I like the bit when Charles met Diana.
I really think it's going to work out for those two, but no spoilers.
I want to watch it.
The opening episode of Line Of Duty series five was watched by over 11 million people, and for most viewers it was the first time they'd seen a policeman that year.
Let's remind ourselves of some of this year's TV highlights.
'Ello, guvnors! MUSIC: Post Malone by Sam Feldt feat.
Rani Ashley, wake up.
So you're a cool priest, then? You need to back off and let me finish this job! Let's do it! Fire! Bo-o-o-o-o-oring! Tweet that.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
Game Of Thrones came to an end after its eighth season.
During episode four, while celebrating the Night King's defeat with a boozy banquet, what mistake was spotted by eagle-eyed viewers? Darts.
That's my Game Of Thrones.
- What have you got there? - I've got snacks.
- Oh! - Is that a hamper? - Yeah.
- OK.
- Does anyone actually want any bread, - meat or cheese? - Don't need any We don't need to bring meat into it.
What about a cheese sandwich? You want? Um I think I made up the cheese.
- I can see how to this - I'm in the middle of a quiz, people! You're like Jesus, but with carbs.
LAUGHTER Next up, it's Adam Lambert.
Hi, Jimmy.
A personal highlight for me this year was opening the Oscars alongside Queen.
It was an amazing night for us, and my favourite speech of the night had to come from acting queen herself, Olivia Colman, who won Best Actress for her role as Queen Anne in The Favourite.
But can you remember what she did when she was prompted to wrap up her acceptance speech? All right, I'll come and get my own fucking cheese.
No, no way.
OK.
Richard, you're in charge of answering while he's doing that.
- So many different ones.
- Are these hot? OK.
Tidying Up With Marie Kondo hit our screens back in January.
It was all about having a big clear-out.
What could be more Christmasy than that? In the show, what does Marie Kondo suggest an item must do if you want to keep it? Are you biting open cheese? We're having a cheese party, Jimmy.
- Welcome to my cheese party.
- What cheese would you like, Jimmy? Some from my belly button? LAUGHTER For the next question, all I want to know is why are these people discussing some stairs in the Bronx? And every day when I come down the stairs, I have to go through a barrage of people.
You've got people coming from all over the world to come to these steps.
This is becoming a tourist - attraction.
- You know, this is our Rocky steps.
I thought I was the only one who would be here today, so What's going on? Dara,, you better be carrying this one because someone - is just eating cheese.
- Yeah.
- Just give me a second.
For our final question in this round, It's over to esteemed actor Charles Dance, who's reading an extract from a TV star's book released in 2019.
Who is the mystery author? Over to you, Charles.
I'm stood inside a little white tent.
I'm sweating up.
It's so hot in here.
I'm wearing a one-shoulder, strappy white bikini.
Thank God I sent the producers three shit ones when they asked what I wanted to wear for my entrance.
I bet all the other girls wanted to wear white, but somehow I've managed to bag it.
Tan's looking good.
They've done my hair and make-up really lovely.
I actually feel quite nice.
Fuck, I'm so nervous.
I need a wee and a poo! Why did I choose the white bikini? What if a bit of poo comes out? No-one will pick me if I've got skids in my swimwear.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Charles Dance.
Charles Dance there.
He got so much out of that material.
It's amazing.
- Yeah.
- I mean You know, it's not There's no There's no small roles.
Charles Dance there, - nailing it.
- What's the question, though? - Whose biography was that? - How would we know?! LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - We've got some answers.
You ready for answers? - Yes! We're still doing a show?! I asked what mistake was spotted by eagle-eyed fans watching the final series of Game Of Thrones.
Dara, what have you got? Episode four, it suddenly got shit.
LAUGHTER That's absolutely true.
I reckon if you stop at episode three, you've had a lovely time.
- Yeah.
- I've not seen it, but thanks for that.
LAUGHTER Someone's hangry! - Rois? - Wee went straight We said coffee cup.
- Coffee cup.
They spied a coffee cup.
OK.
- Richard and Noel? - Coffee cup.
Yeah, well, you're all absolutely right.
OK.
Let's remind ourselves of how prominent the offending cup was in the scene.
I mean, it didn't ruin it.
That was the scripts.
No points, points, points.
Adam Lambert asked you what Olivia Colman did when she was prompted to wrap up her Oscars speech.
Threw the Oscar at the cameraman.
"I'm not finished talking!" OK.
Uh She did a terrible safety ad for BA Hey, come on, I'm right here! - He was in that as well.
- I know he was in that! Whoa, whoa, hang on a second.
Did Richard and Noel get this right? Yeah.
Blew a raspberry and did that.
Let's remind ourselves of her charmingly British response to being asked to end her speech.
I used to work as a cleaner and I loved that job.
I did spend quite a lot of my time imagining it - Oh, "please wrap up".
Right, OK.
- SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY And, um Blew a raspberry.
They got it right! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I asked you what Japanese organising guru Marie Kondo wants an item to do if you're allowed to keep it.
And I said, "get you off".
- Put exactly the same.
- Yeah, same.
"Make your nips hard.
" - Wow! Push your T-shirt up Nothing.
Throw it away.
Well, Richard and Noel have, I think, the correct answer.
- What do things have to do? - Spark joy or - Memories.
"Memories!" - Memories! - Memories.
Memories You're exactly right.
Items have to spark joy.
Here she is explaining it.
So, when you hold an item in your hands that sparks joy for you, this is how your body should react.
Ding! Do you understand? I'm not going to translate.
- It does look like she's getting the nips! - That's why we should get a point.
- Legally, we - "Legally"?! - Legally.
- "Legally"?! I only deal in the law.
- Legal - THEY LAUGH How your body reacts, and one of the ways is boners and nips.
- OK, only Richard and Noel get points on that.
- What?! - Yes! There's a turn in the tide! OK.
You saw some people hanging out on some stairs in the Bronx.
What were they talking about? It's a stairway, and you can bounce a cat off it.
You thought you could bounce a cat off the stairs? And that's what they were talking about? They were all there And it keeps going, all the way down.
It's amazing.
Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! And you think it's stopped.
Meow! - All the way.
- OK.
- And Roisin and Asim? - We were a bit confused, so we just put H from Steps.
You thought they were talking about H from Steps? - We just interpreted it in a much more - Literal sense.
- .
.
Picasso - Not literal! - Picasso, that's what I meant.
- OK, Richard and Noel, what did you get for this? - We got it! - The Joker dance! - The Joker dance.
You're exactly right.
It was from the film Joker.
Charles Dance read you an extract from a book by a TV star.
Who do you think it was, Richard and Noel? - David Cameron.
- LAUGHTER You think that was from David Cameron's? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So you think David Cameron might have been worried about having skids in his white bikini? That's not the main thing he should be worried about.
That's the thing.
- What did you think, Rois? - Dot, dot, dot It's Rebekah Vardy.
- Is it? - No.
- It's not? OK.
- It's not.
And Dara, Maya? Dame Judi Dench.
I actually thought it was somebody from Love Island, but he was really convinced.
- Who did you think from Love Island? - Dani Dyer? Let's go back to Charles Dance for the answer.
That was an extract from What Would Dani Do?, by Love Island's Dani Dyer.
APPLAUSE It's weird, Dara, but thinking about it now, it does seem like that makes more sense.
OK.
And for our last question in this round, please welcome the stars of RuPaul's Drag Race UK, Baga Chipz and The Vivienne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So tell me, how was it being on RuPaul's Drag Race? - A dream come true? - We had a ball, didn't we? - It's been brilliant.
I can't get rid of this one now, though.
Why are you called Baga Chipz? Because I'm salty.
I'll batter your sausage for 80p, and I love to be covered Daddies sauce.
It's a hell of an answer.
APPLAUSE A hell of an answer.
OK, now, I believe you've got a question for us.
- What's your question? - We do.
Right, to be a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race, you have to slay your drag slang.
Yes, we know our realness from our shade, so what we want you guys to do is tell us what these three drag slang terms mean.
That's a fucking mouthful, wasn't it? I bet you've had a few mouthfuls.
Which brings us onto our first word.
The word is gag.
- Gag.
- So what does gag mean? Write that down.
We've got three words.
Gag's the first one.
What's the second one? The second one is spilling the tea.
So what does gag mean, what does spilling the tea mean? And what does? Fishy.
The third word is fishy.
- Have you any drag names for our team? If our team were to be in drag.
- I've got a great one for - Richard.
- What's Richard's drag name? Richard, you're going to be Rachel Adahardon.
LAUGHTER Richard Adahardon, it's amazing.
- I've got one for Dara.
- You're going for Dara? - OK, what would Dara be if he was in drag? - Diarrhoea O'Queen.
Diarrhoea O'Queen.
I mean, it's I'm sure Dara O 'Queen would work just as well without sticking Diarrhoea in it! It adds something, Dara, it adds something.
I know a lot about drag, of course, because I work a lot with Katherine Ryan.
LAUGHTER Richard, Noel, have you finished it? Is Noel still? I'm just waiting for Noel to Google the answers.
Noel! Noel, don't Google the answers! Just write down the answers! - OK, fine.
Right.
Well, let's see what they got.
- OK.
- OK, Dara and Maya.
- So, the first one is gagging, like, I'm gagged! Like if someone does something, like, extremely crazy, amazing or bad, you're like, "Oh, my God, I am gagged!" Is that right? - Yeah.
- Yes, it's correct.
- OK.
- You put what for gagged? We put, like, happy, which, you know, like you're just excited, impressed by someone.
- No.
- No! - It's amazed or shocked - gagged.
- Oh! Richard Richard, Noel? We put that i's so amazing, it's sickening.
- Looks sickening? - Yeah.
- No, that's incorrect.
- Oh, is it? - Yes.
OK.
- Next one, what was the next one? - Spilling the tea.
- So spilling the tea means, Maya? - Spilling the tea, it's when you're like "Oh!" Like that, because you've got some gossip and you're going to spill the tea.
So, like Jimmy is actually a vampire?! - That's the tea! - LAUGHTER - Got it.
- That's the correct answer.
- OK.
- Not that I'm a vampire, I'm not a vampire.
I just don't go out during the day.
Fuck you.
And Rois? - Gossip.
- Gossip.
- Correct.
- We didn't get that.
- We put a dot.
- We just put a dot - Because you don't approve of gossip, OK.
OK, and then the last one was Maya, you were doing so well.
What's the last one? The last one, I don't know if I've got right cos I don't - I said dodgy, like something's a bit weird, bit left.
- Fishy? So, fishy, the definition of fishy.
So what did you get, Rois? - You know there's a documentary called Paris Is Burning? - Of course.
- An amazing documentary.
- Yeah.
- You with your references! - Yeah, that's why I watch the show because I love that whole thing.
And then, actually, looking fishy is looking like a woman, right? - Like a real woman.
- So it's who's the most convincing, basically.
- Correct.
- I've got that.
I didn't Google it.
- What did you say? Noel got that one.
Well done, Noel.
OK, so, point, two points, two points.
APPLAUSE OK.
Let's see what that's done to the scores.
OK.
- So, in last place, Roisin and Asim - Are you joking?! - .
.
with 11.
- We're losing to them?! - Yeah.
Richard and Noel have 12, and in the lead are Dara and Maya with 18.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE See you after the break for more big fat questions, but ladies gentlemen, please give it up for the wonderful Baga Chipz and The Vivienne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz.
This next round is all about sport.
In June, Liverpool beat Tottenham in the Champions League final.
If you didn't see the match, don't worry.
Just talk to any Scouser for more than five seconds and they'll tell you about it.
Anthony Joshua reclaimed his title in December.
Joshua said before the fight, "The gloves are coming off", which was a problem because the rules clearly state that the gloves have got to stay on.
OK, time for some more questions.
Take a listen to this.
What sporting event from the summer is this man singing rather badly about? And I would warn you, if you're susceptible to cringing, this is difficult.
TO TUNE OF CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA BY OASIS: # How many special dreams were made? # How many lives forever changed? # Where were you on the 14th of July? # The agony, the ecstasy # Available to watch for free For the first time since back in '05 OK.
So what event from the world of sport was that poor imitation of Noel Gallagher singing about? First of all, I just want to say I liked it.
Is he going through to boot camp? He's going through to boot camp! Next, it's over to world champion Dina Asher-Smith.
Hi, Jimmy.
2019 has been a great year for me.
I became a world champion in Doha and brought home a gold and two silver medals.
Yay! It was also a brilliant year for England at the Women's World Cup, and it was great to see the nation get behind the Lionesses.
Their semifinal game was against the USA.
An American player, Alex Morgan, caused a stir with her goal celebration against the English team.
It was described as masterful trolling, the ultimate power move and bordering on a declaration of war.
Can you remember how she celebrated? OK.
So how did Alex Morgan cause a stir when she celebrated a goal against England? Back in August, a young Liverpool fan met his hero, Mo Salah.
His stepdad said of the meeting, "The face is a bit sore, but he is great.
He can't stop smiling".
What happened? Is that THEY CONFER Really? That's not right, is it? - Oh, was it? - Have you not read the Metro? OK, here's a new pair of Adidas Kicks.
What I want to know is, who have Adidas got to model these specific shoes? Why is there an orange slice on the top of the trainer there? For half-time.
After undergoing hip surgery in January, tennis legend Andy Murray shared one of his x-rays on Instagram.
Eagle-eyed followers saw that the image contained what in medical parlance is known as a negative Throckmorton sign.
I've given you all x-rays there on your desk and all you've got to do is, with your Sharpies, draw a negative Throckmorton sign.
Couldn't be easier, really.
It's that classic pub quiz question.
OK.
Are you ready for some answers? Totally ready for answers.
I played you an unusual rendition of Champagne Supernova.
It was about a sporting event this summer.
What do you think it was about? The storming of the Bastille.
This summer.
Oh, OK.
That bit it wasn't made clear to me.
He just said, "Where were you on 14th July?" Well, I was storming the Bastille along with the rest of the French peasants.
That is maybe the classiest answer we've ever had on the Big Fat Quiz, Dara.
Well played.
Roisin, Asim, what did you put? We're going to take it more serious now because we're coming last.
Champions League final? - No.
- Right.
- Richard, Noel, what did you put? - Cricket.
- The Cricket World Cup? - Yeah.
- Well, I can tell you, that is exactly the right answer, yeah.
A point to them.
A point to these two.
APPLAUSE World champion Dina Asher-Smith asked you if you knew what American player Alex Morgan did to celebrate scoring a goal.
Ultimate trolling.
She revoked Article 50.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE These are the best wrong answers we've ever had.
Roisin, Asim? - We've got the correct answer.
- Yeah, we're taking it very seriously.
She did that, like, have a cup of tea, like she's drinking the tea.
- Richard? - We also gave that unfunny correct answer.
Well, that is the unfunny correct answer, yeah, OK.
- There she is, drinking tea.
- It's bullshit, though, because she hasn't got a saucer, the fucking dick.
- Why was that so rude? - I think because English people drink tea.
- Oh.
- You're all doing that.
You're always drinking it.
We all talk about that behind your back.
Jimmy, control the Irishman.
JIMMY LAUGHS OK, I asked you what happened when a young footballer met Mo Salah.
What did you think? I put, "Mo beat the shit out of him".
Something in my head is telling me that's not the correct answer.
- OK, what have you got? - We said Mo Salah hit him with a welly.
OK.
Not the case.
What do you think, Richard Ayoade? Wrong time in the quiz to try and be funny, lads, because he broke his nose running to meet him.
That's the correct answer.
He broke his nose.
That is the exact correct answer.
He saw Mo Salah and then he ran, he ran alongside the car and ran into a lamp-post and broke his nose.
There he is.
- There he is with Mo Salah and a broken nose.
- Oh, my God.
11-year-old Lewis Fowler there.
God love him.
That's not where Mo Salah lives, surely.
I showed you some new trainers.
I asked you who Adidas had got to model them.
Richard Ayoade and Noel Fielding, you've probably got this.
Just couldn't help ourselves.
APPLAUSE If you want to keep that shoe dry, and you want it actually to stay dry, who better to model it than a man who cannot sweat because he's so brave? OK, Roisin, Asim? We just wrote Charles Dance.
We didn't know the answer, we were being silly.
OK.
Well, not as silly as the actual answer.
Dara? I wrote Dame Judi Dench.
I would argue it is a worse choice for Adidas than Dame Judi Dench.
- The model for those trainers is Alan Titchmarsh.
- No! At the launch of something called the Gardening Club.
Why's he wearing a flak jacket? Who's shooting at Titchmarsh? Why has he got one little foot and one big foot? Oh, that's such a good point.
One is tiny.
They're different-sized shoes.
That's why he got the deal.
Well, that's why he's such a versatile model, he can show what it looks like for children and grown-ups.
- Exactly.
- OK.
Finally, I asked you to draw - a negative Throckmorton on Andy Murray's x-rays.
- OK.
This is the negative Throckmorton sign.
It's a sign saying Throckmorton is -17 miles back.
JIMMY LAUGHS That's very good.
Richard and Noel, I notice you've just written "lost keys".
- What? How dare you.
- OK, so did you draw the negative Throckmorton? - Let's have a look.
- Yes, it's there.
It's like a tennis racket.
There's Ed Sheeran's lost keys.
He's been looking for them, he'll get them back soon.
There's his swimming pool.
Richard did a gun.
I don't know why.
- Why did you do a gun? - Ed Sheeran's Gun Range, that's the fourth album.
Ros, Asim, we're relying on you.
- Just a dick pic, unfortunately.
- No, no, hang on.
- There's a hip there that's being operated on.
- Right.
And a negative Throckmorton is a shadow of the penis pointing away from the injury.
OK, so that's what you're looking at now, - what you just described.
- Well, you get the point, then.
Thank you! I'll take that.
So in medical parlance, a positive Throckmorton points towards the injury and a negative points away.
OK, good to know.
So Andy's is a negative Throckmorton sign.
He bust that hip.
Time for a bonus round.
Say what you see.
I'm going to show you some pictures that spell out news stories from the year that were frankly too boring to write questions about.
All you have to do is guess what story they're spelling out.
OK, here's the first one.
Write this down.
- Couldn't be easier.
- OK.
Tom, Tom? When you get it, I'll know when you've got it because there'll be a "Ah!" from the audience.
Yes! Yeah! Yeah! Bust - OK, what have you got, Richard and Noel? - Thomas Cook go bust.
Tom-ass-cook-go-bust.
OK, that's the correct answer.
Ros, Asim, what have you got? Thomas Cook goes bust (tits up).
Correct.
And Thomas Cook goes bust.
Everyone got it.
OK.
Right.
Next one.
OK.
- Who's the name of the guy - John Bercow.
I've done it again.
Your brain only works syllabically! OK, yeah ALL CONFER QUIETLY OK, let's have a look and see what you got.
- What do you think it is? - John Bercow stands down as Speaker.
John bear-cow stands down as Speaker.
I think you're overusing the ass motif.
You are, if I may say, hammering that ass.
Not the first time it's been said.
OK, so what have you got? John Bercow seat fluff ass.
As a protest for the overuse of the ass because that animal has dignity.
OK, nil points.
Roisin and Asim? - John Bercow - Stands down as Speaker.
I mean, that is bullshit there, right? I can see John Bercow.
Points, no points, no points.
Let's see what that's done to the scores.
I can tell you, in last place, Roisin and Asim have 15.
Ahead of them, Richard and Noel with In the lead, Dara and Maya with 21, not that far ahead.
It's all still to play for.
Join us after the break because some people are already saying this is the biggest and best quiz we've ever done, and those people work at the Channel 4 press office.
See you in five.
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz of the Year.
Our next round is all about people in May.
Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg's book suffered terrible reviews and poor sales.
The problem was it was way too wordy and had no spine.
And then it wrote a terrible book.
Rees-Mogg should really go back to doing what he does best.
Haunting the nightmares of Victorian children.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Oh! Whilst promoting his book in October, David Cameron called Boris Johnson a greased piglet, which I think means he likes him.
In September, Pope Francis got stuck in a lift.
When the Pope was finally released he was made up, just like God.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS OK, time for some more big fat questions.
Take a look at this clip of a man who went viral in January.
Here he is talking about the fuss that broke out around him.
What did he do? I'm blown away with the response for the document.
When someone reached out last weekend and said, "You're trending", and I'm like, "I don't even know what trending means.
" "People are talking about you.
" I'm like, "Oh, my gosh!" And then, yesterday, someone's saying, "Yeah, you're a me-me".
I'm like, "What's a me-me?" They're like, "No, Andy, it's a meme.
" That's my 20 19 highlight, of the most shocking shit I've ever seen.
Oh, don't give it away, don't give it away.
- Do you want us to say what he did or just what? - What he did, what he did.
- OK.
In August this year, the president of Brazil suggested some rather unusual methods for saving the planet.
One was to eat less.
Can you tell me what the other was? I mean, eating less would help with the second one, I believe.
In April, Kim Kardashian announced she was studying for a new career.
All I want to know is, what's her new vocation? Dentist.
Don't give it away.
Get it down.
What tabloid story of the year garnered tweets saying that it was like a modern day episode of Desperate Housewives, and prompted Netflix to say, "We're going to have to make a documentary about this, aren't we?"? - Oh, I know this.
- What was it? - What was it then? "I know this" was what you just said.
Followed by, "What was it then?" I couldn't get in touch with my memory! Even you're doing it now! I had to wake it up.
She's back in the room.
Take a look under your desks and you'll find a cocktail in a can.
This specific cocktail hit the news back in April, when someone broke the rules by drinking one.
Can you remember who it was and why they were in trouble for doing so? Bonus point, if you can also identify the cocktail.
- OK, Dara, have you got an answer to this last one? - I know.
- I know my cocktails.
- I mean, you could just taste it.
You don't need to swig back half a can.
OK, all right, I've got some answers for you.
Have you all got answers? All right.
First up, I wanted to know how this man went viral back in January.
So what do you think happened? - Maya, this is your favourite? - An absolute icon.
He went viral because he was ready to suck some dick for water.
I just can't believe that's a real thing.
I can't believe you would ever be in a position in life where someone says, "Look, we're not getting the water sponsors "unless you suck someone's dick.
" That is crazy.
But it happened.
- In the Fyre Festival.
- I should explain it was the Fyre Festival that went wrong.
- And then he wanted water.
- This isn't post-Brexit Britain? AUDIENCE LAUGHS Exactly a story from next year.
Yeah, OK.
- Roisin, Asim, did you get it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
We just were a bit more brand specific.
Suck dick for Evian.
Live young, Evian, suck dick! - OK.
And Richard, Noel? - Yeah.
Fyre Festival.
He said he would accommodate someone's girth.
- Thank you, Richard.
Really nicely put.
- Thank you.
- A little touch of class there from Aoyade.
- Thank you.
- OK.
Next I asked you what the president of Brazil suggested as a method for saving the planet.
What did you get? We wrote, "Fuck off to Mars.
" OK.
Richard, Noel, what have you put? Originally, de-forest Leonardo DiCaprio.
But, erm, I think he said only use the toilet every other day.
- And you've gone, Roisin and Asim? - Shit less! - We were joking! Is that the right answer, cos we were literally joking? - That is the right answer.
- No! - Oh, my God.
- Wow! He suggested that people poop every other day.
Poop dissolves, no? It goes into the, erm, mud.
Yes, poop dissolves into the mud, sure.
It does dissolve into the mud.
Why don't people poop in the mud?! Dara's also interested in science! As a leading scientician poop does dissolve into mud.
- Maya, what do you mean by that? - Do you know what I mean? I do not know what you mean.
If you shit it's going to like, melt into the mud.
- Like, it doesn't stay.
- Where are you shitting?! No points.
Points, points.
Question three.
I wanted to know what new job Kim Kardashian - has announced she's training for.
- Plumber.
- You think she's a plumber? - I don't give a fuck.
- Roisin, Asim, what have you got? - She's a lawyer, like Roisin.
- OK.
- Could I add that she is dressed rather like a plunger? - Dara, Maya, what have you got? - We also said - A lawyer, yeah.
- Her dad was a lawyer as well, wasn't he? - Yeah.
Her dad defended OJ, so that's a wonderful heritage.
I'm going to say points, points, no points.
OK.
We went for the joke, Jimmy! OK.
I asked you what tabloid story of the year prompted Netflix to say, "We're going to have to make a documentary about this.
" - What did you all put? - It's - Rebecca Vardy.
- Rebecca Vardy.
- Rebecca Vardy.
- Wagatha Christie.
- Wagatha Christie.
Rebecca Vardy.
It looks like everyone got it.
Roisin, can you explain this story to me? Why? Cos I think you're good at explaining stuff.
It makes me giggle.
What happened? Coleen put up lots of photos on Instagram and they kept appearing in the newspapers.
- On her close friends'.
- Yeah, on her close friends' Instagrams.
So it was only pri-, it was a private Instagram page.
They put them in the newspapers.
So then she got into a head - this is the bit we don't know about the case, why she suspected Rebecca Vardy upfront.
- I thought she narrowed it down to Rebecca Vardy? No.
- She probably had her suspicions.
And then she took everyone off and left Rebecca Vardy - Slowly, she had a process, didn't she? - No, she didn't.
- Just Rebecca Vardy.
- She went straight for, boom, everybody, Rebecca Vardy? Yeah.
You can sense it though.
You know when there's a snake? She caught her in the nip! Rebecca Vardy's the only person with viewing access to this Instagram page.
And then, the great bit is, she puts fake stories up like, oh, my teeth fell out, or whatever! Great fake stories.
- I have a bionic arm.
- Yeah, pretty much like that.
she put that, and that appeared in the Daily Mail.
I've got to say, for legal reasons, Rebecca Vardy denies - all the accusations.
- Of course she does.
- Of course.
- I think that's the most genius plan ever, though.
And also, how embarrassing that you got caught out that way, - if she did get caught out that way.
- She might not have did it.
I think that should be your tag line as the law cop.
She might not have did it! Objection! She might not have did it! Finally, I give you a cocktail in a can, which Dara nailed.
I wanted to know, why did someone get in trouble for drinking that cocktail and what was it? What did you put? Pope Benedict.
Erm That's what we thought.
He thought it was a gin and tonic, - but with - Her super cocktail smells.
- Yes.
- Which is why I love this girl! - You guys are an item, right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- It works, yeah? - We met in the pub.
I sensed the mint in it, which gave away the fact - that it was, in fact, a mojito.
- We think a mojito.
Mojito is correct.
Pope Benedict is not correct.
- Eh, Roisin? - We thought it was gin and tonic, but - which is wrong.
- But who do you think got in trouble? - Diane Abbott.
- Yeah.
- Richard? - We've got Labour MP Abbott.
And we thought it was gin and tonic, but we Actually, I read it was an M&S cocktail - and it didn't specify.
- It was a mojito, I can tell you.
Diane Abbott was on the overground smashing a mojito, when you can't drink on the trains.
But Diane Abbott is right.
So points all around.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS Time now for a special bonus round.
I'm going to show you three film posters, which have all been subtly improved.
All you have to do is tell me what the film is.
Here's the first one.
Write it down as soon as you see it.
What is the film? - I loved it.
- I look pretty great.
I look pretty great.
Here's the second one.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS I don't see why there's laughter for that.
That took hours in makeup.
- OK, Dara? - Sorry, what? - Sorry, I was just practising - my Irish accent He said it's quite good, actually.
- That's really good.
- It's not bad, is it? It's because I act casual about and just say, "Right, don't fucking "look at me like that, you twat.
" Wow! How long have you guys been dating, cos you've really picked that up fast? - We kind of turn into each other after a while.
- Yeah, yeah.
He's got some extensions backstage.
So she now speaks like you and you'll be shitting in a hole, presumably? My mum always tells me, be classy on telly, and it never happens.
- Talk about shits this time.
- Oh, your mum is great though.
Tell them the story about the time, eh AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS - He looks quite sexy like that.
- OK.
All right.
And then the third one Oh, my God! Be still my beating heart.
Look at that! - What? - Just laughing at me and you.
- All right.
- We dressed like that in your house before now! I had to get changed into this! OK.
Have you all got answers? OK, here's the first one.
What did you all put? - Rocketman! - Rocketman! - Rocketman.
- Rocketman.
- OK.
You're absolutely right.
That was Taron Egerton in Rocketman.
OK, points all round on that first one.
OK, what's the next one? What have you got? - We've got Freaky Fever Dream, because - You think that's what it is? It's so weird, that thing, that whole thing is weird.
- I don't want to give it its name, it's awful.
- Roisin, Asim? Yeah, cats.
It's weird cos the cats have tits.
That's not that weird - cats have tits! - No, but not like breasts.
They have nipples.
- They have nips.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER - Noel, have you got this? - This are Page Three cats.
Yeah, we have cats.
- OK.
Let's have a look.
But I think I look better.
- Jimmy, you look good as a cat with tits.
- Yeah! I figure.
What's the famous song from the film, - from the musical cats? - I can't remember, Dara.
Roisin, do you remember - what the famous song from the movie is? - Yes, I do.
- What is it? - Cos I have a great memory! Cats don't look weird not wearing bras.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Well, we've got the trailer for the show.
Last one.
Dara, what do you think this was? Blade Runner 2049.
- So close, Dara! - Was it really, was it?! - So very close! - It looks like it? - Roisin, Asim? - Eh, Downton Abbey, maybe? - OK.
And Richard and Noel? - The weirdest episode of Poirot ever.
- No, we got Downton Abbey.
- OK.
It is Downton Abbey, - not Blade Runner 2049.
- Oh! So close! Let's see what that's done to the scores.
I can tell you that in last place currently, Roisin and Asim have 23 points.
Just one point ahead, Richard and Noel with 24.
Only two points ahead of them, Dara and Maya.
It's all still to play for! Join us after the break when this lot will be answering more questions than Rebecca Vardy on Twitter.
Welcome back to the final part of the Big Fat Quiz 2019.
In January, McDonald's was forced to apologise after chicken was found in their veggie wraps.
The trouble is, if chicken finds its way into one of those veggie wraps, there's a small chance it might end up being delicious, and the vegetarians would not like that.
Emma Watson has announced she is self-partnering, which sounds like she's going to spend more time getting to know her chamber of secrets.
Best vagina joker in the business.
Thank you, thank you.
There is no-one who finds more comic mileage in the vagina than Jimmy Carr.
Thank you, my friend.
OK Four stars.
OK.
As a treat, for the last round, I've got a snack.
I've got snacks for everyone.
You've just got to tell me why this snack made the news.
Get involved.
One each.
Piers Morgan spat these out.
- Can I eat it really? - Yeah.
Why do these make the news? - Are they veggie? - You'll be fine.
Well, that may be the answer, Roisin, so, I don't know! Mmm, but with this cold stuff, you really spoil us, ambassador! OK, so, they're sausage rolls that were sold earlier this year, and they made the news - why? OK.
The Royal Air Force relaxed their rules this year by allowing personnel to alter their appearance.
Do you remember what the rule change was? WHISPERS: I don't.
A report released this year stated that more than 320,000 Britons can be labelled slashies.
Idris Elba is a slashie, Victoria Beckham is a slashie, Maya, you're a slashie - what is a slashie? Oh I can tell you it is not somebody that shits in a hole outside.
OK, next.
I want to know what audacious theft at Blenheim Palace rocked the art world and left the police with nothing to go on back in September.
I'll need the specifics here.
.
.
left the police with nothing to go on.
In March, a fashion item made from denim hit the headlines.
They were called janties and were described as the "ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life".
Underneath your desks are some denim jeans, you've got some scissors, all I want you to do is cut the denim to make them into what do you think a janty would look like.
OK, so, janties.
I'm making, I don't know about you lot but I'm making a bra for a cat.
Might start doing this after a hard day in court.
Just to wind down, you know, get the grime out of my mind.
- Get the grime out of your mind? - You know, criminals As she's cutting it.
"She may not have did it.
" Everyone finished, let's have some answers.
OK, I wanted to know what was unusual about the delicious sausage roll I gave you.
Vegan.
It was a vegan sausage roll, sold by Greggs.
Richard, Noel, what did you write? Vegan! Vegan, Jimmy, we wrote "vegan" and then I put "cats with tits".
What did you get, Roisin? - Vegan.
Sausage rolls.
- OK, great, all right.
So, points, points, points.
Dara, what did you think the change was that the Royal Air Force brought in this year? Er, you can fly a plane in drag.
OK, Roisin, Asim? You're allowed to wear wigs? OK.
Richard, Noel? - Beards.
- Beards.
They're going for the win, they're going for the win late, you know they are.
- You sneaky little - No fun, no fun from now on.
It is beards.
The Royal Air Force allowed beards for the first time this year.
I asked you if you knew what a slashie was, what is a slashie? - Well, we know what it is, but - Yeah.
- .
.
they shit in the woods.
They shitin the woods.
In the woods.
Yeah, it's double jobbers, like herself.
Double jobs, OK, I'll give you that.
- Roisin, Asim? - Yeah, Renaissance people, do lots of different things.
OK, perfect.
Good answer.
Richard, Noel? Multiple careers/jobs.
- No funny answers from you now, all business.
- All business.
It is dry over here.
OK, points all round.
It will be the miracle of Christmas if we win.
OK, I asked you what audacious theft at Blenheim Palace rocked the art world.
What did you all put? Gold toilet.
Let's go through, gold toilet - Gold toilet.
- Keep it moving.
Gold toilet, not even messing around.
- No, let's move on.
- Roisin, Asim, you've just written toilet, but you had to have "gold" to get the point.
Why did I have to have gold? Because it was a gold toilet that was stolen.
- It was really real? - Oh yeah, here's the picture.
That's a solid gold toilet.
Just a little bit of business here - they didn't match up the toilet holder, so A little bit embarrassing there, they went for a chrome.
A little bit embarrassing.
That is a little bit embarrassing, yeah.
That toilet was worth £4.
8 million.
- Wow.
- Dara, did you get this? We got big, gold toilet, yeah.
Big gold toilet is sold.
Artist called Kitana - they stole his toilet, £4.
8 million.
OK, you got that entirely right, well done you.
OK, I then asked you if you could fashion a pair of what I like to call janties.
Noel, did you make some janties? - Yep.
- Let's have a look at your janties.
- Pretty happy with that.
- They are Oh, there he is, he's up there.
Those are some janties.
He's rocking it.
Everybody wants a pair of janties, I'll give you a point for that.
Here's a model wearing some janties.
I think they're quite nice, though.
I'd actually object and say that those weren't actually janties, those are more of a hot pant.
I mean, he's cut them very high.
- This is a janty.
- No - That's a janty.
- A point for that.
- .
.
THISis a janty.
- That is a hell of a janty.
- You've got to get the cheeks out.
What's that, a shark attack, Roisin? If you're busy and you've only had time to shave one leg.
Asim, have you got anything? I didn't know what they were but I just thought, like, you know how ladies have cleavage, I thought, us boys should be able to have a bit of ball cleavage now and again, so One ball that's popping out.
- I love that.
- Maya, you've already got a point.
Richard, Noel, you've got a point.
Guys, I can't give you a point for that.
Whereas I went for much more, this seems like I'm ready for business - He did his own thing.
- .
.
but I'm also ready for the night.
- Can I see? - Turn around.
- Oh, my God.
APPLAUSE MUSIC PLAYS Well, I said it earlier.
I said earlier, I said your team was called Beauty and the Beast, and I was right - Dara, you're a fabulous figure of a man.
OK, let's check in on the scores before we do our big fat question, OK.
With 25, way behind, Roisin and Asim have 25 points.
- Oh! - Injustice! Richard and Noel have 29 points, just one in the lead, Dara and Maya.
Will they hold on to the lead? APPLAUSE Finally, time for the big fat question.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of this year's Strictly Dome Dancing, Mike Bushell! MUSIC: "Apache (Jump On It)" by The Sugarhill Gang # Tonto, jump on it # Jump on it, jump on it # Kemosabe, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it Custer, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Wow, yeah, I mean, that is Mike Bushell, everyone.
Jesus, could you please have some dignity? I loved it, he's jealous, I loved it, it was great.
OK, so, you've got our big fat question.
- Tell us, what is the question? - What is the question? Well So, what I want to know is, what was the biggest selling film at the UK box office, the most watched sports event and the bestselling single in the UK this year? Two points for each, 10 bonus points if you get them all right.
Sporting event on telly? On telly, British television.
British television, biggest sporting event and the biggest single of the year.
How was it on Strictly, did you have fun? Oh, it was the best experience I've ever had.
I mean, to slide down the biggest pole in Strictly history, what an honour.
- And you got through to eight weeks, right? - Yeah, I was surprised.
And I think your marriage survived it, so, well done.
That normally doesn't happen, that's the real victory, that the marriage survives! APPLAUSE Were there any nerves at home, because I imagine if I came home and went, "I'm going on Strictly," it would be the same as me going, "I want a divorce?" No, we talked about it before, and Emily, my wife, met Katya they got on better than we did, actually.
- They talked more than I did.
- Really? - Yeah, they were great.
Well, I'm going to interpret that in a very different way.
All right, so, have you all got answers? OK, so, the biggest movie at the box office this year in the UK.
- You've got, Dara, Maya? - Avengers: Endgame.
Absolutely correct.
Roisin, Asim? - Avengers: Endgame.
- Richard, Noel? Avengers.
Endgame.
Not messing around at all.
OK, the most watched sporting event in the UK, what do you think, Dara? - Champions League final? - Incorrect.
- Oh! - Cricket.
- Incorrect.
- What, cricket was incorrect? Cricket was incorrect, what did you guys get? It was rugby.
The rugby was the most watched sporting event.
My spelling is shocking, Jimmy.
OK, the biggest song of the year, Richard, Noel? Billy Eilish? No.
Roisin? - Lizzo Juice? - So, you think it's an answer that we had earlier we might be doing again.
I'm sorry, you can use the same name twice in a show over nine hours! OK, Maya, Dara? I felt so under pressure with this because obviously I should know, but first of all I went for Old Town Road but then I realised it was UK and I always remember Lewis Capaldi being at the top of the charts for a long, long, long, long time, so we went with Lewis Capaldi.
I went for Old Time Road, that was my big Well, Maya got it absolutely bloody right.
- Lewis Capaldi.
- Yeah! Legend! Well done! Well, let's see what that's done for the scores.
So, in last place, and rightly so, Roisin and Asim, 27 points.
The runners-up, Richard Ayoade and Noel Fielding.
But the worthy winners of the Big Bad Quiz of the Year 2019, Dara and Maya, there's your trophy! There you go, look at that.
Thanks to our amazing panel, our special guests, thanks to all of you for watching, this has been the Big Fat Quiz for 2019, I've been Jimmy Carr, goodnight! MUSIC PLAYS APPLAUSE AND CHEERING