The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e18 Episode Script

[instrumental music]
How long
has it been?
Huh,
new record.
No blinking
in four minutes
and seventeen seconds.
[laughs]
You can blink now, Oswald.
No, I can't.
Yes, you can.
Ah, that's it!
Mousse fight.
Alright, freeze.
Alright, you two! Go in back
and play in the hair pile!
- Hey, let's make another cat.
- Yeah.
Hey, Drew.
Wow.
You really let it
get shaggy this time?
This could take me
a whole five minutes.
Five? Usually
it takes you 20.
Yeah, well, that's because
I usually just buzz the hair
with my clippers, so you won't
think you're gettin' ripped off.
You charge me 20 bucks
for a crew cut.
I think we passed rip off
like 15 bucks ago.
Yeah.
- So how was your weekend?
- Oh, same old.
Party, got blitzed.
And I think I may have
gotten married
because I didn't have
this ring on Friday.
Wow! Super Bowl XXIII.
How was your weekend?
Oh, you know,
pretty much that and..
- Then I did some baking.
- Yeah.
What about that secret
girlfriend at work, Lisa?
Oh, she's mad at me
because we can't
do our dating
out in the open.
Apparently going out to her
means being seen in public.
- You are so weird.
- How do you know I'm weird?
All you know about me is
that I have this haircut.
Unless you think
that's weird.
My ex was
in the Marine Corps.
I love buzz cuts.
Oh, yeah.
Why's that?
Friction.
Oh, oh..
What do you mean?
You know.
Oh, you might as well give me
a shave now too, 'cause I'm not
I'm not gonna getting up
for another couple of minutes.
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland ♪
Underneath
your silvery light ♪
We're goin' bowlin' ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Kate.
Where's Drew?
He told me his operative would
meet me in his cubicle.
I'm supposed to tell you
to wait by his desk
and act like
everything's normal.
That's all I can tell you now.
Otherwise I'll have to kill you.
[laughs]
[phone ringing]
Pick it up.
- What's going on, Drew?
- Bob.
Okay, what's going on, Bob?
Look, I'm making this secret
phone call to tell you
that I'm ready to tell the world
about our relationship.
[laughs]
Really? We can start
dating then.
Well, you know,
not now, but soon.
Oh, wait, Bob, I think
I recognize this place.
It's square one.
No! No, this time
it's different.
I-I'm ready to prove
how committed I am to you.
Open the top right-hand drawer.
"How to hypnotize women?"
No, behind that.
By the way, uh, Platypus.
Yes, master.
Not even close,
but I did stop smoking.
- Platypus.
- Even less close.
You think I'd weigh this much
if I could be hypnotized?
- So, uh, what's in here?
- Oh, it's a sign promise.
That until we can get together
I won't see anyone else.
This is really sweet.
But all I'm asking for
is a simple date
to the movies.
No codes, no disguises
nobody pretending
to be our dates.
Get down,
they'll see us.
Look, I-I just want you
to be a little patient.
Our inner office dating
will be totally cool
as soon as you're made
head of your department.
Then you will be management.
We can go out.
Till then, uh, look in the
second drawer from the left.
What are these?
Oh, they're, uh,
Valentines until the year 2060.
Actually around 24,
they turn into "Get Well" cards.
Drew..
And I can't call you Bob
when I say this.
I got asked out on a date,
and I'm gonna go.
I think that you should
consider doing the same.
Look, Lisa, isn't there
some way we can work this out?
Can't you just give me..
- Lisa.
- Whoa!
This is beautiful.
A good hair-day,
and I caught the pig
in his play pen.
And the faith healer
went like this..
Heh-heya!
And she was healed.
[laughing]
And then I just flipped around,
watched some "Monster Trucks"
and went to bed.
And as far as
your requisition goes
just gimme a little
more time, that's all.
Thanks, uh,
for trying, Drew, but, uh..
I don't think
it's gonna work.
- Platypus.
- Jackass.
[instrumental music]
You gotta stop
sending Lisa things, Drew.
The pizza and chocolates
are gonna keep coming back.
It's over.
How can it be over
when it never even got started?
Okay, we're gonna have
to explain to you
in black and white exactly
what you're doing wrong here.
How much money have you spent
on Lisa in the past week?
I don't know,
about a hundred bucks.
But it doesn't really count,
'cause I got to eat most of it.
Wait, I think I can demonstrate
this more clearly.
Drew, give me a dollar.
Come on,
come on, come on.
Okay, now give me
five dollars.
Okay. Now, give me
ten dollars.
- All I got left is a 20.
- That's fine.
Okay.
See you at Hooters.
So what're you sayin', I should
start datin' other people?
I don't wanna date anyone else.
I wanna go out with Lisa.
You want someone
who's unavailable.
And now your makin'
yourself unavailable
while you're waitin' for her.
I am not.
Okay, then let me fix you up.
I know hundreds of women.
All available.
All gorgeous. All lonely.
Honey.
Just a minute.
You know a good friend of mine
gave me this.
I haven't actually
looked inside it
'cause I'm in love
with my gal Kate.
Um, so why do you
carry it with you?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Why is that?
Hmm. Every one of these women
is my blood type.
You know, in case
I get in an accident.
- Oh..
- Ohsmart. Yeah.
You're about to get
in an accident.
[laughing]
- Oh.
- Gimme that..
Gimme that.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Look, I'm not sayin' I don't
wanna date anybody else.
I just don't wanna pick out
some stranger's name
from a book, that's all. Hey!
What does it mean
when someone has four bananas?
It means I better have ten.
[chuckles]
I do.
(all)
Oh.
[laughing]
So why don't you just
ask out someone you know
but don't work with.
Hey. How about
your hair dresser, Sioux?
No. She parties pretty hard,
you know.
She.. She kinda runs
with the fast crowd.
Hm, maybe she runs
with the normal crowd
and you just run real slow.
[instrumental music]
- You're here to see Sioux?
- Yes. Around 12:30 pm.
Oh man, that only leaves me
a half hour to..
complete my inspection.
When was the last time
you were here, pally?
- About a month ago.
- Oh-oh.
That's when we first
discovered the eggs.
You're probably still
in the larval stage.
Whoa! Whoa!
We got a jumper.
Watch out. Woah!
[stomping]
Oh, yeah,
one of the scouts.
You know, for every one we catch
a thousand waitin' to hatch.
Careful. They head South.
Hey, Drew.
What happened to my 12:30?
I don't know.
Someone was buggin' him.
He, uh, left you a tip though.
Alright. How far off..
So. Why're you back so soon?
Oh, well, I had a big meeting
comin' up so I thought I'd come
back and get a trim. Especially
around the right ear, here.
Alright, Drew! It's so cool
that you took this first step.
Good for you.
Aw, you know,
it's just an earring.
No.. I mean that you decided to
openly admit that you're gay.
Right ear.
Actually I'm not.
It's just my mother's clip-on.
I didn't know
you lived with your mother.
I don't. Look, uh, I came
in here wanting you to think
I was real hip
and everything
and Lewis said to wear it
in the right ear.
Thank God, I didn't wear
the chaps, huh?
Now, it's really humiliating.
I don't like talked about.
It's gonna make it even harder
for me to ask you out.
- You're asking me out?
- Yeah.
Well, that is so sweet.
Well, you know,
I am kinda into virgins.
Hey. I had a clip-on.
I'm a m-m-m-maniac here.
Virgin.
Wait. Are you still
a virgin if you, uh..
[indistinct whispering]
- Go on.
- That's it.
- You're a virgin.
- Oh..
By your definition,
my parents are virgins.
Look if you're seein' someone
or somethin', it's okay.
Oh. Thank you for permission.
Drew, duh! I date who I want,
when I want, and where I want.
You're afraid of me,
aren't you?
Alright, I'll go.
So, where are we goin'?
And don't bore me.
- Oh, you-you want wild, huh?
- Mmm.
I'll give you wild. You don't
know how wild I could be.
[wrist watch beeps]
Hold on, just a second.
I got to take my vitamins.
Here watch this.
No water.
- Drew..
- Yeah.
- They're chewable.
- Yeah. But they're sour.
[instrumental music]
Yeah!
Ya! Peep-peep-peep. Whoo!
So Secretariat.
You two have a good time?
Actually it was a little quiet.
Quiet? I saw a
a guy lose a finger.
We went to a biker strip bar.
It was open mic night. Poor mic.
Why'd you take her to
a strip bar on your first date?
Oh, no. I took him.
I wanted him to meet mom.
So! When does this place open?
Hey, the Poco band
will be in an hour.
They're gonna
rock your world, baby.
(Oswald)
'Now that you're going out
with Drew, can you give me'
some free hair styling advice?
Do you think I should go
for the "Friends" look
or the George Clooney?
I think you should shave
your butt and walked backwards.
Now, which Friend is that?
- Wow. Oh-oh.
- What?
It's Lisa, and she's with
about the most handsome guy
in the world.
So? I'm not bothered.
Hi, Lisa.
Oh, my God!
Hey, Drew.
Hey, guys.
Hi. I'm Sioux,
with an "X."
- And youare very beautiful.
- Oh, well..
And I see you belong to the
toy of the month club too, huh?
There's no "X" in Sioux.
I see the batteries
are already in.
Listen, I'm gonna
hit the head.
Just getting all the little
soldiers at attention.
Okay, see ya.
Ya!
Wow. I hope you're still
takin' your vitamins, Drew.
- Oh, Drew. This is Dean.
- Hi, uh..
Lisa and I are just
old friends.
I know. We just went
to your favorite restaurant.
And, uh, your favorite
Baskin Robbins.
And your favorite donut shop.
Say, do you have
a favorite heart doctor
'cause I think
there's a truck on my chest.
[laughing]
You took him
to all my favorite places?
Well, I never got
to go there with you.
See you later, Drew.
Wanna go upstairs?
[sighs]
Weird, isn't it?
You're on a date, you run into
your old girlfriend with her
new boyfriend,
and all I could think of is
just settin' the place on fire.
Drew! Drew!
You got into
my vitamins, angel?
Listen.
Two guys started giving me crap
and we kinda got in a fight.
And in about two seconds
they're gonna come charging
down here
lookin' for me.
Don't worry,
no one's gonna hurt you.
We'll be in the car before they
get down. Come on, let's go.
Drew, no.
These guys insulted me.
Now, are you gonna
tell them off
or you gonna
run away scared?
Scared? I'll show you
who's scared.
I'll not only tell 'em off,
I'll make 'em apologize.
Great. Drew, these
are the guys.
Are you the guy who has
something to say to us?
Nope. It's not me.
It must be my friend Louie.
Now, he wants you
to apologize to the lady.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- Okay.
I suggest you get out of here.
I'm too out of shape
for a long fight
I'll just have to
kill you fast.
Whoo!
Lovely!
That was great.
Can you imagine
what would have happened
if they'd really insulted me?
You mean you almost got us
killed for no reason?
[chuckles]
Wow. What a rush.
Hey, let's go
to the zoo and poke some bears.
[instrumental music]
Oh. Ouch.
Ah. Oww!
Oh! What are you gonna do?
Strip search me now?
- You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- No, ma'am.
- I think you'd like it.
- Oh.
Sioux,
what's goin' on?
I caught her stealing
in Housewares, Drew.
She said she knows you,
so I thought I'd have a looksie.
Oh. Please!
Alright. One for the files.
Oh. wow. At least, we know she
didn't steal any lingerie okay.
I'll leave her
in your custody, Drew.
And you, watch it,
klepto.
Alright, you. Right now,
you and me, right now, here.
Let's go, come on.
Don't make me get medieval
on your ass, ma'am.
Drew! You wanna see
the other stuff I got?
- You got other stuff?
- Mm-hmm.
- You put stuff under your hat?
- No.
I stole the hat.
And this ankle bracelet,
but I'm gonna take it back
'cause I wanna
get it engraved.
Why didn't you steal
the engraving machine?
Wouldn't fit
under my skirt.
Come on, you can't
take all this stuff.
It's not even paid for.
Not paid for?
Ah, no, not till
I charged it
on my Winfred-Lauder
charge card.
You know another $1000,
I get a frequent flier mile.
Uh, Mimi, this is Sioux
with an "X."
Uh, Sioux, this is Mimi
with an extra chromosome.
Bite me.
Wow, thatis daring.
Thanks. Same.
Thanks. You know, I have to do
your hair. Where do you go now?
Scissors and Whiskey.
- Okay. I'll give you a shot.
- Okay.
[chuckles]
There's this mannequin
up on the third floor.
- That's just so me.
- Alright, let's go.
Hey, Drew, I'll be right back.
Are we still on for tonight?
- Ah. Yeah.
- Excellent.
Phew, man!
She's violent.
She steals, she likes Mimi.
Hey, maybe she'll beat up Mimi
and steal her.
[instrumental music]
Do you really think
my hair looks good?
Oh, yeah.
Then why did that woman
in the Warsaw point
at me and laugh?
What quality do women
admire most in a man?
The ability
to make them laugh.
And you my friend,
your magic even works on men.
(Oswald)
'Hey, Drew, I thought
we're gonna watch'
the game together.
What happened?
Ah, I just had a couple of stops
to make and sort..
[laughing]
Alright, that's it.
Nobody laughed at Lewis
when he got the Dorothy Hamill.
[answering machine beeps]
(Lisa on speaker)
'Hey, Drew. It's Lisa, um,
I'm at home, it's around 7:30.'
'Good news. I won't be
seeing Dean anymore.'
'Here's the best part.'
'I, uh, I think I found a way
you and I can start'
'seeing each other.'
'I'm gonna go to bed early so'
'I-I'll talk to you tomorrow.'
'I can't wait.'
(Drew)
'Oh, this is great.'
[answering machine beeps]
(Sioux on speaker)
'Yo, Drew. It's Sioux. Listen.'
'Details about our date
tonight.'
'Meet me at 4000 Collins Road.
Oh, and one more thing..'
'Wear grippy shoes.'
[answering machine beeping]
I don't believe this.
What does she
mean by "Grippy shoes?"
Maybe it's some kinda
weird sex thing
where you hang upside down
like a bat.
Or maybe it's for something
really dangerous.
Oh man!
What if it's jogging?
[instrumental music]
Ooh. Oh. Hello.
Sioux? Oh!
Sioux..
Whoo! Hey, Drew.
Oh, my God!
- Are you out of your mind?
- Whoo-hoo!
- You're gonna hurt yourself.
- No.
Whoo!
What do you think of
the view from up here?
- Isn't it romantic?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm surely that's why
they built this water tower.
Nothing like climbing
through 12 years
of encrusted bird crap
to get you in the mood.
You haven't even looked yet.
Oh, I think I'll have
plenty of time to look
while I'm plunging
to my death.
Come on.
Oh yeah. Wow.
View's great from here.
Hey, I can see my house.
Who wrote that on my roof?
"Bite me."
Alright. It's your turn.
You'rewhat about 150, right?
[chuckles]
What're you talkin' about,
my right leg?
- I can't do that.
- Alright.
Let's just go down the ladder.
Head first. Come on.
Uh, hey, Sioux.
Listen, uh..
I really had a great time
with you this weekend.
Believe me,
there's no one I'd rather
go on a killing spree with.
But, uh..
I just recently realized
that my feelings for someone
are a lot stronger
than I thought they were.
My God! You're dumping me?
[sighs]
Wha.. This is horrible.
I don't know what to do.
- No! I'm not worth it.
- Drew!
You nearly pushed me
over the edge.
Oh.
I-I'm sorry, I thought
you were gonna kill yourself.
Oh, please, Drew!
We went out three times.
I mean, you're a nice guy
and everything
but I'd sooner push you
off the water tower.
[laughs]
So, you're okay with this?
Well..
[sighs]
You know what we have to
do now, don't you?A
Whatever it is,
you go first.
Alright.
Close your eyes.
Oh.
Wow. Where'd you get
that pierced?
[instrumental music]
- Got the sniffles?
- Yeah, a little.
Took forever
for those fireman
to get me down off
that water tower. What's up?
I just found out that
the new Personal Shopper program
needs a manager.
I am that manager.
Wow! Kate. I never even
thought of you for this.
Are you kidding?
I've got the highest rate of
return customers in Cosmetics
and I promised
my dad I'd buy him
a new lawnmower
with my big new raise.
Oh, your mom got tired
of pulling the yoke, huh?
So here's the big question.
- Will you give me the job?
- Hey.
Haven't you always
been there for me?
I'm gonna do everything in my
power to make sure you get this.
You've been working really hard.
You deserve the move up.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Drew, you're such
a sweetheart.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Lis.
Well, I'd love to stay and watch
you two reconcile. So I will.
Uh, Kate, I think
we're gonna do baby talk.
Oh, puke.
So.. You said there's a way
for us to get back together.
What is it?
You know the new position head
of the Personal Shopper program?
If I could get that job,
we'd both be management.
And we could date.
[laughing]
Man, just when you thought
there's no way in hell
we could ever get together.
Someone must really be
smiling on us.
Oh. Somebody's doing somethin'
on us. That's for sure.
Pretty soon,
I'll be able to do that.
Oh, puke.
Puttin' in the mash,
the Personal Shopper program.
Mr. Bell says
he's totally behind me.
That could very well be. I won't
be able to see him anyway.
[instrumental music]
You ever eat
poisonous blowfish?
Only enough
to go unconscious.
So. What about you?
Ever rassle a gator?
How do you think
I got through college?
Okay. Ever make it on a plane?
Inside or out?
You know, just between
you and me.
There's-there's one thing that
I've never been able to do.
Oh, come on. Tell me.
I can't polka.
And you live in Cleveland?
Get up on your heels, girl.
It is time to get Polish.
I can't.
Here's a tip.
Just pretend I'm a gator.
[instrumental music]
[chuckles]