The Goldbergs s01e18 Episode Script

It's a funny thing about dads -- they always tend to be creatures of habit.
At least, my father was.
He liked what he liked, and he hated change.
Ever since I can remember, he wore the same shoes, he ate the same breakfast.
I'm home! Don't anybody bother me! And every day, he'd come home at 5:15, park his pants at the door, sit in the same chair, and watch the same show.
If you tried to change anything, he'd fight you tooth and nail.
That's why my mom created the illusion everything stayed the same, but it wasn't.
That magical pair of shoes that never wore out -- she secretly replaced them every eight months.
That laissez-faire attitude about his personal grooming -- she tended to that, too.
She even managed to switch him to low-fat cream cheese without him noticing.
This tastes funny.
- No, it doesn't.
- Okay.
Yep, Beverly Goldberg had always been the puppet master, and my dad had no idea.
Beverly! That is, until the day she got a new chair.
Beverly! Beverly Goldberg! What the hell is sitting where my chair should be? Surprise! I thought it was time for an upgrade.
Don't you just love it? Where's my chair -- the one I've been sitting in for 20 years? I donated it to goodwill.
Without telling me?! Why would you do that?! Honey, you're always complaining about how your back hurts.
It's that old chair.
You never liked that chair.
You've always been jealous of what we've had together.
"We"? Who's "we"? Me and Mr.
chair.
That's right, it had a name.
Well, it's not a very good one.
Mine is top-of-the-line.
You're gonna love how comfy it is.
Ohh.
It's so spongy.
Honey, you're gonna have to trust me on this.
I bought it for your own good.
I can't breathe.
Can't breathe.
Well, stop sitting like that.
You're sitting uncomfortably on purpose.
It's engulfing me.
Stop it! Those are exaggerated body movements.
But nonetheless I feel the need to say It was march 7, 1980-something.
And like every day, I rode the bus.
Back then, this was the wild west -- no seatbelts, no security cameras, no one to stop the one dude who made your life miserable.
For me, it was an eighth grader named J.
C.
Spink.
Look who it is -- Adam Gold-nerd.
He may have been tiny, but he was terrible.
Can you please lay off today, J.
C.
? I forgot my gym shorts and had to run the mile in jeans.
I have a really bad chafe.
Oh, man.
I am so sorry to hear that.
Hey, everybody.
Adam has got some sting-y thighs.
So if I see one spitball hit this kid, you will have to deal with me.
Wow.
Thanks, dude.
That's -- that's really -- Everybody get their asses in their seats -- especially you, Spink! Yes, sir.
Mind if we share? I was plastered up against that window for the next 20 minutes.
And then I saw Barry doing what he did best -- flipping out.
No! No! No, no, no! What the hell is his deal? Where the hell is my Sports Illustrated football phone?! Damn it.
Where?! Where?! Where?! Ow! - Unreal! Unreal! - That's my big brother, Barry.
He's clinically insane.
For real? The doctors gave up on him.
He's too crazy for their modern medicine.
Where is my phone?! And if you don't back off, I'm bringing him on this bus, and he'll smear you against a window.
J.
C.
Was running scared.
Now I just had to get Barry on board.
Unfortunately, he was a little preoccupied with more urgent matters.
The dude on TV said my football phone would be here in eight weeks.
It's been 10! I mean, what am I supposed to do, huh? Make phone calls on a phone-shaped phone like some kind of animal? I say good day to you, sir.
Rough stuff, man.
I can see you're going through a lot.
Speaking of difficult problems, is there any way you would start riding the bus to school with me again? Huh? Why would I ride the bus with you when I carpool with Erica and her smoking-hot friend Lainey who secretly loves me but is too afraid to act on it? Look.
There's this kid who's making my life hell.
And if you were there, he'd leave me alone.
I do have an air of badass about me.
- So you'll do it? - Hmm.
I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm respectfully declining your stupid-ass invitation.
Please! I'm begging you! I'll give you all my Garbage Pail Kids.
See? They're like baseball cards, but hilarious.
One day, these will be worth millions.
They're not.
All right.
Fine.
Whatever.
I'm in.
For real? Listen, bro.
You're literally the most annoying, un-athletic, four-eyed, almost girl-like dork I've ever met.
But you're my brother, and no one beats you up but me.
I was touched, insulted, and kind of angry, but I'd gotten what I wanted.
No, stop! Once the chair molds to your body, there's no going back! - It's imprinted to you for life! - Wha? The first 48 hours are the most important.
Get up! Get up! Aw, damn it.
Now it's got your tiny girl imprint.
This is truly the worst thing to ever happen to me.
Okay.
I'm gonna leave you to whatever this is.
Oh! What is that pitch?! There's so many things I want to say - I see you! - Oh, crap! Don't make me get up! I don't like getting up! - Get the hell out of here now! - Run! I would never leave you alone [ Both laugh .]
His beloved chair was gone, and my dad was livid, so he decided to strike back where she'd feel it most -- the kitchen.
What is this? W-what's happening? Where's my stove? Surprise! Don't you love it?! Murray, where is my stove? You know, you're always complaining about slaving away in the kitchen, so I got you a gift.
Dinner's in a half an hour.
What the hell am I supposed to cook with? Ooh.
The microwave -- a new miracle of technology that magically cooked food in a tenth of the time.
And, man, did it boil my mom.
My God.
How does it work? I know you're gonna think I'm crazy when I say this.
Magic.
- I'd buy that.
- Totally.
- I agree.
It's not magic, people.
It's an evil food box.
Hot.
It's hot.
It's hot.
Popcorn in four minutes! Ooh.
A cure for polio, a man on the moon, and now this.
Hey! Are you nuts? That food's been radiated.
It's like poison in a bag.
Bev, I did this for your own good.
That small wonder over there is gonna make your life so much better.
You're playing a very dangerous game.
Are you sure you want to take me on? Oh, I'm sure -- in honor of my fallen comrade, Mr.
chair.
Your fallen comrade smelled like an envelope full of farts! I just heated up a lasagna in the time it took for your relationship to collapse.
While my mom was trying not to go nuclear, things were about to blow up on the bus.
Hey, Gold-nerd! Look whose brother didn't show up.
Time for target practice.
I think it's time you leave my little brother alone or I'll spit at you Without a ball! It'll be all spit.
No ball? C-come on, man.
That's crazy.
That's right.
And there's a good chance I have mono, 'cause I sleep an insane amount.
Listen up, little bus people.
There's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Barry Norman Goldberg.
If you have anything to say to my little bro, you say it to me first.
Except you, Tyler.
You can speak to me directly.
He's cool.
We were in "Pippin" together.
I am quite the song-and-dance man.
Tyler, not helping! Beat it, loser.
I couldn't believe it.
After years of torturing me, Barry actually came to my rescue.
Dude, thank you.
No problem.
Now give me your lunch.
Being awesome makes me hungry.
You're supposed to use the spreader.
Consider it used.
And just like that, my new bodyguard became my new bully.
And at home, my mom and dad's battle had become a war.
His tightie-whitie drawer had been invaded by boxers.
Here you go, sweetie.
Straight out of the radioactive heat box.
Oh.
It's like eating egg-flavored newspaper.
All right, we need to talk.
Oh, morning, sweetie.
Would you like some microwaved egg rubber? No.
I would like my underpants back.
Oh, well, you're holding them.
No, no.
These are not my underpants.
Mine are white, tight, and they keep the fellas in place.
Not hungry.
Well, now you have boxers.
You know, scientific research shows that you need to let your privates breathe, especially if we're gonna have more kids one day.
First, I will never wear shorts under my pants.
It's madness! And second, having more children is literally my worst nightmare! You'll understand when you have horrible kids.
Sweetie, I'm only doing this for your own good.
You want war? You got one.
My mom thought she had struck the death blow by taking away my dad's tightie-whities.
Little did she know, things were about to get ugly -- - real ugly.
- Well, well.
- Look who finally came around on the boxers.
- Nope.
- But you're dressed for work.
- Yep.
- So everything's just all free in there? - Yep.
No! You're an adult man in society.
You need another layer! People won't see it, but they'll sense it.
You wanted my boys to breathe.
Well, they're taking a big breath.
That's right.
The three amigos, they're dining alfresco.
Have a nice day.
Why are you patting my head? What's happening? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
What did you do? What did you do? Holy Where's my Aqua Net? Oh, your can of hair spray! Yeah.
I got rid of it for your own good.
Did you know it's burning a hole in the ozone layer? I don't want to hear about some imaginary layer in the sky.
I'm leading a PTA meeting in 30 minutes, and I need to command respect with my giant hair! You get me the chair, I'll give you the hair.
Oh, you think you beat me on this? Well, our daughter has a whole arsenal of hair products, and she has been dying to give me a new look.
Oh, my God.
What did I just hear? Is this real? Are we finally getting rid of that terrible blonde helmet? - Okay, close your eyes.
I'm doing your bangs.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is gonna be totally rad.
- Hmm.
How's it looking? Really, really awesome.
Oh.
- I know! - Oh, my God! - I know! - How did this happen?! I don't know! Ohh! It fried my hair! Like, really quickly.
It's so unhealthy.
It's like you have a head full of sagebrush.
I know! Oh, my God! What are we gonna do about this?! Okay.
Okay.
Let's take a chill pill.
I know I can fix this.
Hi, PTA.
Let's talk spring fling.
What's with your hair? Don't look at it, Karen.
Afternoon, friends.
You're all looking particularly small today, huh? Hey, Tyler.
Cool frisbee.
My frisbee.
Yo, Spinkter.
Give me those cheese doodles.
Just take them, Barry.
Who's this Barry you speak off? Take them Bus lord.
That's right.
My plan for a bodyguard had backfired, and now it was up to me to banish our evil bus lord.
You know, I think I got this bus stuff handled, so it's probably time you go back and ride with Erica and her smoking-hot friends.
Dude, I'm never going back.
This bus is mine now.
It's my home.
Now, leave me be.
I find you boring.
Stop! What just happened on your shirt? Oh, it's hypercolor.
The color changes when you touch it.
I bought it with my lawn-mowing money.
I want it.
What? No! You'll stretch it out.
Good point.
Then you will use your hard-earned money to buy me one that accommodates my muscular body.
Your brother's a real ass-bag.
Yes.
Yes, he is.
This whole thing's been a very eye-opening experience.
I'm sorry for the way I treated you.
It won't happen again.
What do you say we get Barry off this bus for good? There's no way.
Oh, there's always a way.
Okay, look, everybody.
Come here.
We all know where we sit on this bus.
Some of us are back-row material.
Some, like me, kind of float in the middle.
A few of us tay suck and sit in the front.
But for once, let's forget about what row we sit in.
For once, let's work together and take our bus! - Now who's with me? - I am! Damn it, Tyler.
You scared the crap out of me.
But I love the enthusiasm.
Whoa, stop! Don't park your pants at the door.
Rumor has it you're going alfresco.
Oh, damn it.
I forgot.
I miss my underpants.
Ah, you'll get used to it.
I've been going alfresco since the '70s.
My dad didn't think he could miss anything more than his tightie-whities.
Boy, was he wrong.
What the hell? TV's gone, mur.
Yeah, I see that.
Beverly took it.
I figured that.
- You lost the war, pal.
- Stop talking.
You know, I've been watching these fish for 10 minutes, and I got to tell you, it's some entertaining stuff.
These two fish, they're complete opposites.
They'll never get along, but they have to.
They live in close quarters.
Stop talking! Isn't it great? It's like being in the lobby of a benihana.
And the best part about it is you need to constantly tend to it.
Getting rid of the TV, that's nuts.
That's the glue that holds this family together.
Everyone know that TV strains your eyes.
I did this for your own good.
Don't do anything for my own good, okay? I'm fine.
I don't need your help.
Really? Do you know how many things I do for you, things you don't even know anything about? So sue me if I want you to sit in a chair that's not a disgusting fart trap that ruins the scheme of my entire living room.
Aha! Right there! You did it for you.
What? That hurts your back -- a chair that hurts your back.
Too late.
You said it.
Yes, that chair may be old, but it's because I-I sit in it, I sleep in it, I eat in it, I even raised our children from it.
I know you do a lot for me.
You do, and I love you for it.
But you didn't get rid of that chair for me.
You got rid of that chair for you.
Things were still hell on the bus, and now our evil emperor had new clothes.
Step aside.
Hands off the hypercolor.
Don't touch the bod.
What are you doing? Move.
Nah.
I don't think I'm gonna do that.
This isn't a request.
Either you do it or I'll throw you off the bus.
That's where you're wrong, dude.
This isn't your bus anymore.
Says who? Says me.
Who will fight for your honor You owe me a frisbee.
Let's get him! Yeah! Bye! Hands.
There's so many hands.
While Barry was no longer king of the bus, my mom was looking for my father's throne.
Uh, hi.
I'm looking for a Mr.
Nitrous.
This is he.
And it's just Nitrous.
Mr.
Nitrous is my dad.
That's nice.
Listen, I was just at the goodwill, and I was told that you purchased something that I need.
That's my chair, sweetie.
No way, lady.
I will never give you my chair.
This thing's my throne.
It's shaped perfectly to my body.
Not your body, my husband's body, which also is very similar to your body.
Let me just buy it back from you.
Name your price.
- Show me your boobs.
- No! - Then give me $1 million.
- No.
- I'd very much like to revisit the boob conversation.
- No.
- Show me your boobs.
- No! Then give me $1 million.
Okay, I feel like we're going in circles, Nitrous.
And if you ask me this house is full of boobs.
I'm looking at them.
And this place is a pigsty, and you're all dressed like slobs.
And when was the last time one of you ate a meal with a vegetable? It's been a long time.
Yeah.
You don't need boobs.
You need your laundry done.
You need your bed made.
You need to scour every surface in this house before one of you gets a wicked staph infection.
It's just We don't know how.
Mama's here, Nitrous.
Who will fight for your honor It's like a knight in shining armor While my mom cleaned up her mess with my dad, I was hoping Barry would forgive my dirty work.
Hey, big news.
The mailman came.
Special delivery for Big Tasty.
Wow! Great! It's a phone! It's a football! Whatever.
So, y-you finally got it.
That's cool, right? So that means we're cool, too, right? You led a mutiny against me, dude.
We are most definitely not cool.
I didn't have a choice.
You went mad with power! Listen -- I know from the outside it may seem like I have a perfect life, but the truth is there are a lot of jerks at school that aren't so nice to me.
It was cool to have a place where I had respect for once.
I didn't know that.
Here.
Take your Garbage Pail Kids back.
You don't need to pay me to protect you.
I want to because you're my brother.
As for my mom, she got her hair back eventually.
Come on.
Can't I give it one more try? And most importantly, my dad got his chair back.
Oh, my God! - { I can't believe it.
Don't thank me.
I did it for your own good.
Ahh.
Mr.
chair.
Mr.
chair! That we did it all for the glory of love Smells like beer.
- No, it doesn't.
- Okay.
___ Erica! I've been honking for forever.
We're gonna be late for school.
I overslept.
Give me a second.
What's up, Lainey? Got some good news.
I'm gonna ride with you guys again.
Please.
Wow.
Got some hypercolor there, huh? Yeah.
You, uh Digging it? Actually Yes, I am.
You're looking really good, Bar.
Got to be honest.
Never thought of you this way.
Oh, no.
Is it hot in here? Oh, yeah.
It's hot.
Lainey, stop messing with him.
Let's go.
I knew she was messing with me.
I mean, come on.
Do I look stupid?