The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e18 Episode Script

How will you make it on your own This world is awfully big And, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around No need to waste it You can have the town Why don't you take it You might just make it After all You might just make it after all - Things a little slow today, Murr? - Yeah.
- How would like an exclusive story? - I'd love it.
My fan club is having its annual Ted Baxter Bridge Tournament tonight.
Oh, that's exclusive, all right.
Last year they couldn't find a fourth.
- Mar, would you like to play? - I would.
I'd like to.
But I've got an aunt from my hometown coming in.
I'm gonna take her to dinner and a movie.
Well, why don't you bring her to a TV show? I don't think there are a lot of famous TV shows done here in Minneapolis.
Wait a minute, Mary.
I think you're missing Ted's point.
I think she'd find it inspiring to watch a topflight newscaster in action.
I mean, not just reading the news, but the inside stuff wardrobe, makeup, the way I make that fist before I go on.
- You know, all that inside stuff.
- Uh-huh.
- Mary, did you finish that letter? - Yes, sir.
I'll get it for you.
What are you doing here? Just trying to keep up the troop's morale, Lou.
Does he really believe that? Incredible.
- Here it is, Mr.
Grant.
- Oh, thanks.
Fix me a drink, will ya? [Muttering.]
He can fix his own drink.
I'm not a bartender.
- What did you say? - Nothing, nothing.
[Shouts.]
Murray! Mr.
Grant, there is an intercom.
Yeah, I know.
But I figure this way, it's more personal.
Did you write up that story, the South American revolution? Yeah, I have a standard story.
I just fill in the name of the country, the names of the generals, et cetera.
- Mm.
- [Sniffing.]
Yes, I know.
I'm going home and change my dress before I meet my aunt.
You better.
You smell like a distillery.
[Chuckles.]
A great distillery.
Help! - Mary, did you just call for help? - Yes! - What is it? What's the matter? - My My clothes! Oh, I see what you mean.
You smell like you've been dancing with Dean Martin.
No! Not these clothes, those clothes.
My closet.
- Oh.
Is it safe? - Yes.
Mary, I heard you yell for help.
I would've come sooner, but I had something in the oven.
What's wrong? There's something in Mary's closet.
There's nothing in Mary's closet.
- Where are your clothes? - Gone! Everything in the closet is gone.
Mary, call the police.
Right.
I've got to call the police.
I hope they get here in a hurry.
My poor aunt is waiting for me on a street corner.
- Let me handle this.
If you want the cops fast, I can get 'em here fast.
- Great.
Hello, police.
There's a man with a gun trying to get into my apartment.
- Rhoda! - Mary Richards, 119 North Wetherley, apartment D.
- Rhoda, you can't - Hurry! He's coming in! He's pulling the phone out of my hand! [Screams.]
Well, they should be here shortly.
Rhoda, I don't think you should've done that.
Oh, they don't mind.
They get calls like that all day long.
Oh, I can't tell you how creepy I feel to know that there was some stranger in here breathing heavily and pawing at my things with his hairy arms.
- How do you know he's got hairy arms? - Oh, I just know.
- What did he take, Mary? - Everything.
All my clothes.
Everything.
Even my brand-new cape that I haven't finished paying for yet.
[Phyllis.]
It won't do any good to get angry with him.
Criminals are misunderstood enough to begin with.
Yeah? Stealing my cape is not gonna help him in his quest for understanding.
Especially if he wears it.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- Whoever did it was drinking heavily at the time.
- No, Phyllis.
That's Mary.
And this is it.
I haven't got a thing to wear.
That's probably the first time a woman has ever said that and it's really been true.
- I'll loan you something.
- You can borrow a dress from me.
Oh, thank you.
You are both so thoughtful.
Yes, Rhoda, that's very thoughtful of you, dear, but Mary and I have the same taste good.
Nothing! Nothing, nothing.
- Nothing.
- [Rhoda.]
That was really rotten.
[Phyllis.]
Poor Mary.
It's all right.
We're gonna get something for you.
[All Chattering.]
- Excuse me.
- [Mary.]
Oh, thank goodness.
- Where is he? - [Mary, Phyllis.]
Who? - You made a phone call? - I did not.
- Who made the phone call? - She did.
- She dialed.
- Who lives here? - [Phyllis.]
She lives here.
- I live downstairs.
She lives upstairs.
- Officers? Listen, you can put the guns away, because about the phone call, actually, we were just, uh, kidding about the gunman part.
You were kidding about a gunman? Hey, fellas, let's look at the positive side.
True, there's no gunman.
But there was a robbery.
If there was no gunman, why did you say there was a gunman? She wanted you to come quickly.
What else you girls do for laughs? Turn in false alarms? - [Sniffing.]
- Oh, that's me over here.
I wasn't drinking it.
I just spilled it on my person.
Uh - Would you like to see the scene of the crime? - Tully, see what's missing.
- It's right in here.
- Yeah, I'll check.
Officer, I'm Phyllis Lindstrom, and I'm aware that all over the country there is controversy concerning the police.
I just want you to know that I have an open mind.
- That's nice.
- Jackson, there's certainly a lot missing in that closet.
Oh? Could I have your name, please? Yes, sir.
It's Mary Richards, and I am the rob-ee.
Victim.
- Rhoda Morgenstern.
I'm her friend.
- Officer Tully.
I'm Phyllis Lindstrom.
I live downstairs.
Nice to meet you.
We met in the closet.
This is OfficerJackson.
If we're through with the introductions, would you girls like to sit down? I'd like to ask Miss Richards exactly what happened.
- Miss Richards, exactly what happened? - I was robbed.
Somebody came into my apartment and stole all of my clothes.
And my TV! At least they didn't take your records.
That's right.
At least they did not take my records.
But they took my stereo.
Oh! Aw, gee, that's too bad.
What time did this happen? I don't know.
It must've been while I was at work.
Oh, then you weren't robbed.
- I wasn't? - You were burglarized.
Oh! That's a relief.
Officers, continue your questioning.
- Mary, I'm gonna get you a dress.
- I'll get you a better one.
When did you first realize that there was a robbery? - A burglary! - When I came home about ten minutes ago and looked in my closet and noticed that there was nothing in it.
- Is there anyone you suspect? - No.
Jackson.
No suspects.
This next question that I am going to ask you, you may think it's a very personal type of question.
But for those of us who have taken the exam to be a detective, as we know, it has to be asked.
Does anyone else have a key to your apartment? No.
I didn't think so.
Jackson! There's something very intriguing about this case.
Yeah, I wonder what.
Leave the detecting to the detectives.
- I want to talk to you for a minute.
- Excuse me.
Just be right Do you always have to put me down in front of people? - Only when you start acting like Ironside.
- You're acting like Ironside.
Officers, I do hate to seem to be rushing things, but I really have to get going.
It'll just be a few more minutes.
Jackson, why don't you check the window sash? - Mary, here's a dress for you.
It's brand new, never been worn.
- Oh, Phyl Here it is.
It has 10,000 miles on it, but it's just back from the cleaners.
- Right.
Come on.
- Oh, but That's the breaks, Phyl.
- Tully, come on! - Would you wait a second? I want to see how she looks in it.
Officer Tully, you know, Bess that's my daughter Oh, OfficerJackson should be here.
He would appreciate this.
Bess came home from school the other day and she said, "The The policeman is our friend.
" That's very nice.
I'll tell OfficerJackson.
You know what I said to Bess? I said, "Bess, you're absolutely right.
" Gives you an idea of the fantastic conversations they have at her house.
Well, one thing's good Mary won't have to worry about being robbed again.
Oh, that's not necessarily true.
You see, many times they come back to the same place.
Do me a favor.
Don't tell Mary that.
I heard! - Is that true? - Oh, you look terrific.
- That's a great color for you.
- Thank you.
- Is that true what you said, that they sometimes come back? - Oh, seldom, very seldom.
And if you need any help, just call and ask for 1636.
All right, extension 1636.
- No, no.
Badge 1636.
- Badge.
- I don't have an extension.
- Oh.
- Nice meeting you girls.
- [Rhoda.]
We'll have to do this again sometime.
- Bye, Mary.
Uh - Thank you.
I hope your aunt doesn't think that's a maternity dress.
- Hi, Mr.
Grant.
- [Grunts.]
Thank you for giving me the extra half hour.
I think I got some really good dresses.
- Anything big happening around here? - Nothing.
The biggest story of the day is that somebody talked at the Paris peace talks.
I never realized what a hassle being robbed could be.
The man at the insurance agency - acted as though he thought I did it.
- Did you settle a claim yet? - Yeah, I signed yesterday and got the check today - Eh? for about 20% of what my clothes were worth.
- At least they paid off quickly.
- Yes, and then they canceled my policy.
That figures.
They love ya as long as you never have a claim.
- Hey, Mar, did you buy some new clothes? - Oh, yes.
Oh, I bought a sport coat that color.
Brings out my eyes.
Which one? The blue or the pink? Start writin'.
Red China just signed a mutual defense pact with Albania.
Albania? That's the capital of New York, isn't it? Well, I've got to go watch a show on educational television.
Sesame Street.
That reminds me, there's some really great television on tonight.
And I won't be able to watch it.
They stole my TV.
- You can come over to our place and watch it.
- Oh, thanks, Murray.
No, I guess I'll just stay home and have a good time listening to my records.
[Rueful Chuckle.]
No.
No, I'll just stay home and have a good time cleaning my oven.
Help! [Siren Blaring.]
We'll get whoever did this, I promise you.
[Sniffling, Quavering.]
That's what you said the first time.
Being hysterical will not do you any good.
Well, being calm didn't do me any good either.
Everything'll be all right, Mar l You coward.
- We'll need a list of what's missing.
- Everything! A pattern's beginning to emerge.
Yes! The pattern is, this guy keeps coming back and robbing me! - Burglarizing.
- Oh! Whatever you call it, when is he gonna stop? I think he's about finished.
Well, you still have your lamp, your sofa and that "M" thing.
Wait a minute, fellas.
If this kid gets hit again, - the Red Cross is gonna have to come in with coffee and doughnuts.
- [Phyllis.]
Hi.
I saw the police car downstairs, and I wondered what happened.
- Oh, Mary, your apartment.
Oh - I know.
You.
It's your job to protect innocent citizens from things like this.
Look Look at that poor girl.
What kind of a police department do we have here anyway? We're doing our very best, Phyllis.
Did you notice any strange people around here today? Just the usual.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
As I was leaving for my Esperanto class, I saw a big truck parked right out in front.
I didn't think anything about it at the time.
Can you describe this, uh, big truck? Uh, yes, Officer.
It was a, uh, a truck.
- Big.
- Phyllis, please try, because the only hope of getting my things back is if you can remember.
- So, Phyllis, if you could - It was blue.
- Good, good.
- Or was it green? I don't know.
I didn't see it.
I guess it was blue-green sort of an off-blue-green.
Not unlike the color of my new hostess gown.
Why don't you give them a swatch? Was there anything else you noticed besides the blue-green? - Uh, that and the license number.
- The license number? - You wrote down the license number? That's terrific! - No, I didn't write it down.
- I remembered it.
- You remembered all those numbers and all those letters? - I just have one of those minds.
- She does.
She has one of those minds.
All right, all right.
What's the number? B-B-7 Good.
I'll put in an alert for this big truck.
Jackson, put in an alert for that big truck.
A major clue.
To have a license plate and the color - Great! - We're really making headway.
Officer Tully, I want to apologize for acting so emotionally before.
- You're doing a great job.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Well, you know, when you're studying to be a detective, you kind of get a sixth sense for these things.
- Mary, you know what you need, kid? A good night's sleep.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you stay at my place? - You're welcome to sleep at my place.
- Or even stay at - Don't say it.
I am on duty here.
[Siren Blaring.]
Why can't my partner learn to use the horn? Just a little beep.
That's all you need.
Oh, I can't forget the old superstition about bad things coming in threes.
I walked into my apartment last night, I looked everywhere, even the refrigerator.
- A little bit of paranoia is a character developer.
- Oh! I haven't slept more than a couple of hours the last few days.
I keep thinking he's gonna come back and steal my sofa too.
Look, Mar, I don't know if you can use any of this.
- We've had it around for quite a while.
- Oh, Murray! They're practically antiques.
- This is an alarm clock.
It's so old, it has Roman numerals.
- Oh, Murray! Here is a waffle iron, in case you have any waffles you want to iron.
Oh, that's great.
Murray, that's so sweet.
Thank you.
- Well, it was all Marie's idea.
- Ah! - Morning, Murray.
- Morning, Lou.
- Good morning, Mr.
Grant.
- Mary.
I don't like the coffee it makes.
Maybe you will.
Will you look at this? This pot has never been used.
He bought it for me.
Well, don't tell anyone.
You'll ruin his image.
Heigh-ho, everyone.
I think you can quit worrying.
The third bad thing just happened.
A little something to help you rebuild, Mar.
- It's for your kitchen.
- Oh, Ted! - It's an ice crusher.
- Oh, Ted, that's sensational.
I've always wanted an ice crusher, but it's the kind of thing you never think to go out and buy for yourself.
[Ted Chuckles.]
Thank you.
Is it electric or manual? All right.
So it isn't one of those big, electric fancy ones.
- What's wrong with that? - Calling that an ice crusher is like giving someone a match and calling it a barbecue.
Here, Mar, I'll show you how it works.
You put an ice cube in your hand, and then you strike it like this and voila.
- [Chuckles.]
- I've always wanted to know what "voila" meant, and now I know.
It means, "I've got a handful of crushed ice.
" - You're some joker! - Thank you, Ted.
- The last of the big spenders.
- Come on.
It's the thought that counts.
I know, and he has cheap thoughts.
[Phone Rings.]
Newsroom, Mary Richards.
Uh, Larry? Larry, Larry Larry Tully.
Officer Larry Tully.
Well, I'm fine, thanks.
You did? Oh, that's great.
Yes, thank you.
Yes, I'll be right there.
Good-bye.
That was my policeman, Officer Larry Tully.
They think they got the guy who did the robbery.
I have to go to the police station.
Hey, that's great.
Now that you know the guy's been caught, maybe you won't be so nervous.
Oh, come on, Murray.
I was never really nervous.
All right, let's see here.
Uh, Richards, Richards - "Mary Richards, breaking and entering.
" - Yes, that's me.
Tully said that if you got here before him to wait.
- Would you like a magazine? - Oh, thank you very much.
Uh, don't he look like a nice fella? Wanted for murder, assault and armed robbery.
Triple threat.
You just can't tell anything about anybody by looking at 'em.
Mm.
True.
You know what I do every morning? Get up and go over the park and sit on a bench.
Ever since I was a little kid, I've seen old men sittin' on park benches.
It's kind of boring, but I figure it's my obligation.
That's very nice.
- What are you here for? - Robbery.
- Really? - No.
No, I was robbed uh, burglarized.
Eh, that's bad.
A lot of that going around.
Especially in my apartment.
Huh! Happened to me twice.
Hm! I've been mugged 13 times.
Well, you certainly don't look it.
Oh, I guess I'm just mug prone.
Course, hanging around the park doesn't help.
You'd think those muggers would go to a nicer neighborhood, - so they could make a better living.
- [Laughs.]
Yes.
Tell me, have you ever been to one of these identifications before? Thirteen times.
You just go in that room over there, and they line the guys up.
It's better than sittin' on a park bench.
Yeah.
I'm gonna have a pretty difficult time identifying this man.
- How come? - I've never seen him before.
That'll make it tough all right.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, Jerry.
- Hi.
- Well, what do you think? How do you like it? - What? Oh, congratulations.
You made detective.
No, it's just a new suit.
Oh, well, you certainly should be a detective.
- Thank you.
- Uh, do I have to see the burglar? - No.
- Oh, good.
One thing Did he have hairy arms? - Yes.
- I knew it! Now, we just want you to identify some of your things.
- You got my things back? - Well, we think so.
How did you do it? That's terrific.
Well, Jackson and I had just come on duty, and we were cruising when we spotted the truck.
And you recognized it from Phyllis's description? No, they had changed the license plate, but there was still something suspicious about it.
They were trying to make people think they were one of those charity groups.
Well, that certainly was pretty tricky of them, wasn't it? Well, it would have been, except for the name they had printed on the truck the Salvation Navy.
- Stupid, stupid people.
- The worst! - Well, I think you did a wonderful job.
- Thank you.
You know, this man is a wonderful policeman.
- He really should be made detective.
- I'll see what I can do.
- He's the same rank as I am.
- Get the receipts for everything she takes.
- Right.
- My TV set! - Your alleged TV set.
And my alleged clothes! Oh, great! - The rest of the stuff is down at the warehouse.
- Oh! - Hello, Miss Richards.
- Oh, hello, OfficerJackson.
Did Officer Tully tell you you'll have to leave one of your dresses for evidence? - No.
- Oh, yes.
Oh.
Well, here.
Uh No, that's my favorite.
I wanna wear that tomorrow.
All right.
- This one.
- You know, I like that one.
- Do you like that one? Yeah.
- It's nice.
[Both Scream.]
[Gasps.]
Phyllis! Mary, I'm sorry to startle you.
I just came up to get my dress.
I need it for tonight.
- How did you get in? - Oh, well, I used my nail file.
Mary, your lock is really easy to pick.
No wonder you're getting knocked over so often.
Phyl, couldn't you have waited until I got home? I didn't know how late you'd be.
Lars and I are going to the SCARD convention.
Phyl, uh [Chuckles.]
what-what is, uh, SCARD? - SCARD.
S-C-A-R-D.
- Uh-huh.
SCARD the Society of Concerned and Responsible Dermatologists.
Lars is speaking on the social implications of dandruff.
- That certainly sounds exciting.
- Would you like to come, Mary? I've got an extra ticket.
- No, no.
No, I've got a date.
- I'll get you two tickets.
- It's a double date.
- I'll get you four tickets.
Actually, Phyl, uh, the four of us are, uh, going to a large dinner party, so If you really want 'em, I can scrape up 50 tickets.
Phyl, there are 52 of us.
So, have a good time.
Tough luck, Mary.
[Mews.]