The Ranch (2016) s01e18 Episode Script

1 Found it.
Hey, dude.
Check it out.
They got Tanya Showers reading off the lottery numbers now.
Man, first the weather, now reading the numbers.
There anything she can't do? I still remember that time they sent her out to cover the Aspen Jazz Festival.
It's weird having a boner watching Willie Nelson on TV.
Hey, you think she'd go on a date with me and Abby? What if they hit it off, Abby left you for her? I think I'd be fine with that.
I need to talk to you boys for a second.
Turn that thing off.
Oh.
They got Tanya doing the lotto.
Anyone watching is already a winner.
Well, we should enjoy her while we can.
She's off for bigger things.
I can feel it.
Probably New York.
Yeah, wouldn't be surprised if Al Roker goes back to stress eatin'.
Anyway, I wanna talk to you guys.
What, can it wait a minute? There's a guy at Boulder who found a rock that looks like Dwayne Johnson.
It's a rock that looks like The Rock.
In Boulder, which is also a rock.
This is important.
Yeah, but, Dad, this is like that time Dog the Bounty Hunter got bit by a pit bull in Chihuahua, Mexico.
It was a dog gettin' bit by a dog in a town named after a dog.
So All right.
I owe you boys an apology.
I know I've been tough on you.
And I know I could've handled the breeding situation a little different.
You saying you're wrong for taking it away from us? I said I was sorry, not wrong.
Yeah, right.
Look, I know I can be tough to deal with sometimes.
Short-tempered and - Listen, Dad - Shut the fuck up and let me finish.
I know you haven't always felt like you're part of this ranch.
But you are.
And I appreciate all your hard work.
And I'm gonna do a better job of showing you how much you boys mean to me.
Well, thanks, Dad.
You mean a lot to us, too, Dad.
This is why I don't say nice things.
- Yeah - Hey, hey.
- Hey.
- Mmm? You know, uh, who Tanya Showers is, right? Oh, the weather girl? Yeah.
Would you ever consider Definitely.
- Really? - Hmm.
It'd be like, you, me and Tanya Oh, wait, you're gonna be there? No, thanks.
Hey.
Would you have a threesome with me and Channing Tatum? Oh, you're gonna be there? No, thanks.
You two just gonna sit at the bar and drink all day? Well, we were gonna go home and throw in a Channing Tatum movie and see what happens.
Actually, no, uh I should probably get goin'.
I gotta get ready for, uh, parent-teacher conferences this week.
Gotta think of something nice to say about 34 different kids.
"Aidan is very social.
" Which is code for, "Aidan is really annoying and won't shut the fuck up.
" They always used to say I was advanced for my age.
Oh, that was code for, "You got held back two years.
" All right, that explains the growth spurt between fifth grade and fifth grade.
Bye, Mrs.
Bennett.
Bye, Abby.
All right, we'll see you, Mom.
Yeah.
Drive safely.
Of course, you've been driving since the seventh grade.
Well, I should be leaving, too.
Oh, take care, Hank.
I said "should be.
" Here you go.
Hey, Mom.
What's up, Hank? - Hey.
- Rooster.
You just missed your brother.
Oh, no, I saw him.
Threw a snowball at him.
Hit Abby instead.
Told her I'd give her a kiss to make it feel better, at which point Colt threw a snowball at me.
Hit Abby instead.
Can I get a whiskey? How are you doin'? How'd your conversation with Ed go last night? I mean, it went fine, you know.
He offered me a job.
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
You're making a smart move.
I'm not gonna take it.
You're a fucking idiot.
Yeah, Mary says I should take it, too.
I mean, it has been a rough stretch, but You know, I had a really good conversation with Dad last night.
He actually apologized for everything.
Told us how much he relies on us and he wants things to change.
Your father? Change? He still flies a flag with 48 stars on it.
Yeah, and if Colt asks, that's how many it's supposed to be.
Look, I think your father really believes what he says, but eventually he just goes back to the way he's always been.
Remember that Christmas we bought him that John Wayne DVD collection and he just used it as bookends for his John Wayne VHS collection? Yeah, it's like that year we got him his first computer.
He left it in the box for six months, and then used it as a desk for his typewriter.
I think you should at least consider the job with Ed, not dismiss it because of some vague promises your father made.
All right.
Yeah, I guess I can check it out.
Yeah.
I mean, what would it hurt? It's important to get all the facts before you decide.
Right so, you're saying consider all the options before making a thoughtful decision.
Well, first time for everything.
You know, if you choose to do this, your father's not gonna take it well.
So all I ask is that you let me be there when you tell him.
Holy shit! You are not making my decision easy.
It's what I pictured heaven lookin' like.
Except you were naked, and you were Carrie Underwood.
And this would be your office.
Holy shit! Do I get my own hot assistant? No.
You obviously have no idea how low my bar is for "hot.
" Wow, so, you got these screens to monitor the entire herd? Yep.
And you got this ATV to get around and your own personal bathroom around the corner.
Damn.
Back on the ranch, my own personal bathroom is the corner.
And here comes one of your ranch hands.
Uh, hey, Umberto.
Hey.
Get the fuck outta here! Berto! Gallo! What's up, man? I see you two guys know each other.
Oh, hell, yeah! Berto worked on the ranch for like ten years after Colt left.
Dude, I thought you went back to Mexico.
I did.
Two weeks in Cancún.
Body shots at Señor Frogs.
I was on MTV's Spring Break.
Whoa! Then I went to work for Neumann's Hill on a ranch in Montana.
They pay much more than Mr.
Beau.
Please do not tell Mr.
Beau.
We just brought Umberto down here about a week ago.
You've been in town an entire week, we haven't gone out and gotten drunk yet? - What the hell you been doing? - Working.
Lame.
I mean, me too.
I've been working, too, 'cause I'm responsible.
Mmm.
Rooster here might be joining our family as your foreman.
You want me to show him around? Great.
Just keep him away from the sheep.
All right.
Good one, Ed.
I'll call you later, man.
We don't have sheep.
No, he's saying I like to bang sheep.
Oh, okay, then you should take them between cameras three and four.
There's a blind spot.
What? What? I don't fuck sheep.
Gallo, Gallo no one's judging.
All right, man.
Well, so far, I've only heard Ed's bullshit.
Is it really as badass as it seems, working over here at My Little Pony Ranch? It's incredible.
We have the best equipment, good hours, good pay.
Yeah, so you mentioned.
And sometimes, uh, the owner's wife gets in the hot tub - topless.
- Oh! At first, you are embarrassed and you look away, but then, she says, "It's okay, you can look.
" So you look.
There's no part of that I don't like.
So, wanna take a look at the place? Yeah, man.
Let's head out.
Show me the pasture and the bull barn.
But first, we should stop by that hot tub.
Hey, then I'll show you the blind spot.
Hey, Colt.
Look who the Democrats let in.
- Oh, man, Berto! - Hey Hey, what're you doing here? Oh, man.
He's working at the old McConnell ranch.
Seriously? Whoa, that's great.
Colt, good to see you.
You know, I followed your football career.
Yeah, yeah, I had a hell of a run.
Yeah it made me very sad.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, you remember Abby? Right? - Hey, Berto.
- Hey, Abby.
Yeah, Gallo told me you were dating Colt now, but you were secretly in love with him.
Yeah, well, Rooster also thinks he's responsible for Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert breakin' up.
Hold on to her better than you did the football.
That's very funny.
Oh, it's funny because you you fumbled and were intercepted, oh, so many times.
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah, sometimes you even fell down on the field when no one was even near you.
Man, it's good to have you back.
Oh, my God, look who's here.
Oh, Mrs.
Beau.
Hola.
It's good to see you.
Nobody has called me that in ages.
I did not miss it.
Sorry, I won't do it again, Mrs.
Beau.
Can I get you something, Umberto? Sure, I would like a sip from that fountain of youth you've been drinking from.
Oh, stop it! Yeah.
Stop it.
Oh, my God.
Man, we used to do the craziest shit back in the day.
Yeah, hey.
You remember "Tractor Skiing"? What's that? It's when you pull somebody in a pair of skis behind a tractor.
I should have done the math on that.
Yeah, it got real crazy when we elevated it to "Truck Skiing.
" - "Truck Skiing" is when - No, I got it.
Hey, man, remember the look on that cop's face when you blew past him on a pair of skis? You know, when I hear you guys talk about all the great times you had all I can think is, "Guys are fucking idiots.
" - Hell, yeah.
- Yeah, we are.
Oh, you know what? Colt, we should probably get going.
- It's a school night.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you're still in school? Him, I believe, but No, I'm a teacher now.
Oh, the the young boys must be, uh, very pleased.
Yeah, check it out, man.
She even teaches sex ed.
Oh.
Do you put a condom on a banana? Okay, that's All right, maybe, no more beer for you, huh? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
I only say these things because I am intoxicated.
Intoxicated by your beauty.
Stop.
Don't stop.
Hey.
Don't you have a girlfriend of your own? There was a woman.
Selena.
Her eyes were green but her card was not.
Oh.
Okay, sweetie, it's time to go home.
Yeah, same thing INS said to Selena.
We'll get to see you again? Yes.
And if Gallo takes the job at Neumann's Hill, then we'll see a lot of each other.
Neumann's Hill? What's he talking about? No, man.
It's not a big deal.
It's just, uh Ed Bishop offered me a job running the old McConnell ranch.
Oh all right.
So that's where you ran into Berto, huh? - Yeah.
- What When did all this happen? Oh, it was a couple of days ago.
You know, I was gonna talk to you about it.
Yeah.
Good for you, man.
- Hey, Colt - All right? Yeah, okay.
Bye, guys.
Hey, man.
Hang on a second.
It was good to see him.
- Hey.
- Thought you'd be sleeping.
No, I stayed up.
Tanya filled in on the eleven o'clock news.
She did a piece about Christmas at the mall.
She sat on Santa's lap.
Now, I don't know what she asked for but I know Santa got what he wanted.
Look, I wanna talk about that job.
Oh, now you wanna talk about it? I mean, I didn't bring it up earlier 'cause, you know Yeah, you know what? This is, like, a major life decision.
I talk to you before I decide to change brands of shampoo.
Yeah, and it's really fucking annoying.
Almost as annoying as when you ask me how your ass looks in them jeans.
Okay, first of all, I'd never ask you that, 'cause I already know it looks good.
And second of all, I can't even believe that you're thinkin' about leavin' our ranch.
"Our ranch"? Where'd you get the idea this is our ranch? I mean, that's the plan, right? Dad's gonna step aside and you and me, we're gonna run it together.
Dude, Dad wouldn't step aside for a charging bull.
He'd just stare at it, touch his mustache and be like, "You really wanna do this?" Someday Dad's gonna die.
No, I don't think he is.
He's like a cockroach or Keith Richards.
Well, fuck.
Forget about Dad.
What about me? You fucking kidding me? This isn't about you.
Really? 'Cause I'm the one who's gonna be stuck here with Dad all pissed off with the double workload.
You just described the last 15 years of my life.
Well, guess what, man? You left.
Mom left.
Why shouldn't I get a shot to leave? No, no, no, no, no.
I left for a football career! You're going down the road to do the same goddamn job at another ranch! No, I'm leaving for a career, just like you did.
Except I'll actually make something of myself.
Fuck you.
You take this stupid job.
Come on, man.
Why are you working on the tractor in the driveway? 'Cause that's where it broke, Dad.
Well, let me rephrase.
Why'd you break the tractor in the driveway? Well I was gonna do it in the barn, then I thought, "Hey, you know what? Outside, it's like ten degrees with six inches of fresh snow.
I should do it out there.
" Oh, and as a bonus, I can't find my gloves.
So, zippidy-fucking-doo-dah! Did you let it warm up? Of course I let it warm up.
Checked the pump? Yep, pump is fine.
Checked the lines? That's what I'm doing right now, Dad.
- Loosen that top clamp first.
- God, you know what? Here, you do it.
All right, I take the point.
Go on.
Keep going.
No, no.
Go ahead.
I'm just gonna fuck it up anyway, right? I'm just saying I think I know what the problem is.
Oh, yeah? Well, what is it? Lemme get in there a sec and take a look.
Be my guest.
Make sure you put a little liquid wrench on there, otherwise you're gonna strip it.
It's not as much fun being on the ass end of that, is it? Hand me that Channellock.
You know what, Dad? I get the feeling sometimes, if I weren't here you probably wouldn't even notice.
Of course I would.
There'd be a beer in the fridge when I wanted one.
Exactly.
Hey, Colt.
How're you doin'? - Pretty shitty.
- Oh, would you like a beer? You know what? I don't even think I wanna drink.
None of us do, but we soldier on.
All right, what's going on? All right, you can't tell anyone.
Rooster got a job offer.
Yeah, Neumann's Hill.
I know.
I set him up with Ed.
I told him he should take it.
Why would you do that? He's my son.
I want him to be happy.
I'm your son.
Don't you want me to be happy? Why do you think I offered you the beer? Come on, I want you both to be happy.
Well, we can't both be happy.
One of us has to stay with Dad.
Colt, I help you whenever I can.
This is my chance to help Rooster.
It's a really big opportunity for him, and he deserves it.
What about me? Wow.
I tell you this is something that could change your brother's life and your response is, "What about me?" Come on, you need to support him the way he supported you when you were playing football.
Wha Are you kidding me? He wrote a letter to the Denver Broncos, saying, "Please don't draft my brother 'cause I don't want my favorite team to suck.
" Well, come on, Colt, it's the Broncos.
Besides, he he didn't send it.
He just did that to mess with you.
If he didn't send it, then why didn't I make the Broncos? Okay, I'm your mother.
Don't make me answer that question.
Do you remember when the Barcelona Dragons asked you for that last-minute tryout, but you had to pay for your own ticket? Yep.
I was bummed out 'cause I didn't think I could go.
And Barcelona is like the Paris of Europe.
Hmm.
There's those two years of fifth grade kickin' in.
I don't get it, but whatever.
And then you wired me the money and I went.
No.
I couldn't afford a bus ticket to Telluride, let alone a plane ticket to Spain.
I had just sunk every penny I had into this bar.
I know the feeling.
What are you saying? It was Rooster? Yep.
He had been saving for a couple of years to buy himself a new truck, but he believed in you.
And he didn't want your career to end because you couldn't get to a tryout.
But, why why didn't he just tell me? 'Cause he was afraid if you knew what he gave up that you wouldn't take it.
He might ride your ass, but deep down, he's your older brother and he's always looking out for you.
Shit.
Hold on.
It After I made that team, I paid you back for that plane ticket.
How do you think I got season tickets to the Broncos? God, man, I am so sick of this.
I mean, my dad doesn't even trust me to wipe my own ass.
Nah, that is not right.
My grandmother, she had a saying "A man should wipe his own ass.
" Man, I almost told him right there in the driveway, "I'm leavin'.
I'm goin' to work for Neumann's Hill.
" What stopped you? I don't know.
I don't know if I can do it to Colt, you know.
Plus, my dad was holdin' a giant wrench.
So So, Colt is not taking the news well? No.
I don't know what the hell to do.
You know? I can stay and be miserable, or I can leave and make Colt miserable.
And Mr.
Beau? He's gonna be miserable either way.
You know, Gallo, when I left Mexico, my family was furious.
My mother cried for two weeks and my my father said he had no son.
Which I'm sure felt even worse for my brother.
But I had to go.
Glad you left? Well, it was painful.
It was horrible and I was lonely.
But, yes.
I knew there was a better life here.
Just like this ranch offers a better life for you.
And your journey to get here didn't involve you hiding in a truck full of giant piñatas.
The only thing I had to eat for three days were these Jolly Ranchers that came out of SpongeBob's culo.
So, what happened with your family? Well, they came around.
They were proud of me for how well I was doing.
So, you think if I do a good job here eventually, my dad'll come around? Mr.
Beau? Fuck, no.
But your brother? He'll come around.
What makes you think that? Oh, 'cause he's on camera three.
He's comin' in right now.
Oh, shit.
This is nice.
Hey did you guys know there's a naked lady out there in a hot tub? I tried not to stare.
Oh, you will try.
And you will fail.
And you will stare.
What ya doin' here? Peace offering.
- There's only five.
- It was a long drive.
Yeah? Well, how'd you know I was here? Oh, uh I probably say wrong word.
My English not very bueno.
Give us a second? Sure.
Thank you.
If you need me, I'm gonna walk by the hot tub, then I'm gonna be in the blind spot between cameras three and four.
Look whatever you came to say, I don't wanna hear it.
You gotta take this job.
What? Come on, man.
Look at this place.
This guy went all out.
The new ATVs, all new tools Plus, see, I don't even know what this thing is, but I want one.
That's his daughter's princess wand.
Oh.
Still want one.
Look I had my shot.
This is yours.
I owe you.
Oh, by the way, Mom owes you $1,200 for a plane ticket to Barcelona.
I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Yeah.
Look if you don't take this job, I'm gonna kick your ass.
That's real cute, you think you can kick my ass.
Oh, my God.
Berto Damn, does he think he's in a blind spot? Oh! Hey, Dad.
What ya doin'? Just sittin' by the fire watching six inches of global warming come down.
Look I wanted to apologize about this morning.
I was just just frustrated.
Been meaning to talk to you about something, but I wasn't sure how, so I'm not helping you bury a body or raise a kid.
And we're not getting a fuckin' cat.
- You got a minute? - Sure.
Look I owe everything to you.
Everything I know about ranching is because of you, and there's no way I can ever repay that.
That all sounds correct.
I wanted to tell you that I got offered a job from Ed Bishop at Neumann's Hill, to run the old McConnell ranch.
And I know you don't think I'm ready for it but I know that I am.
And that's because of you.
And I'm gonna take that job.