The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e18 Episode Script

There's your man, West, the turbaned one at ringside.
How could we miss him? Oh, how could anybody miss him? What a target.
Look, Mr.
Drapeau, if the government wants us to protect him, shouldn't we get him out of here- some quieter entertainment? No chance.
He's a very important visitor.
He's free to come and go as he chooses.
Wonderful.
Oh, it's not so bad.
He's due in the hospital tomorrow morning.
All we've got to do is make sure that nobody puts a bullet in him before then.
Yeah, well, that's your problem.
And, uh, good luck, gentlemen.
Thank you.
You heard the man, Artemus, that's our problem.
Mr.
West! And Mr.
Gordon.
Well, well, well.
What are you doing here, T.
? The same thing I assume that both you gentlemen are doing- my job.
Meaning? The emir, of course.
Oh, you're not going to pretend that you're not here to look after him.
Mmm.
Well, if you'll excuse us.
Not a chance.
You see, there must be at least 100 expatriates in this town alone that would like to see the emir eliminated.
When that happens, I'm going to make sure that I'm on hand.
Maybe if we're lucky, you'll stop the bullet.
Every profession has its risks, Mr.
West.
May I introduce myself, Your Highness? I am T.
Wiggett Jones, society feature writer.
And may I also introduce Mr.
West and Mr.
Gordon, representatives of the United States Government? Oh, Secret Service, huh? You're concerned about my life.
Just being careful, sir.
Sit down, please.
Thank you, Your Highness.
Gentlemen, there have been so many attempts to assassinate me, I no longer concern myself over that.
But since you're already here, you might as well remain, hmm? I want one.
I want one! Hurt anything? I don't think so.
Did you expect me to anticipate somebody knowing about that garter and being prepared to catch it? No.
You did your best.
I'm not being fair to you, Ecstasy.
It's just that I had such plans and El Emid still lives.
There'll be another time, and What's the meaning of this? I'll tell you right now.
Both of you keep your hands where I can see them.
Are you robbing us? No, I'm arresting you.
Tell the driver to pull over.
Anything for so handsome an intruder.
Oh, I'm sorry, my ring scratched you.
I'll survive it.
You may and you may not.
Who is he? He's the one who caught the garter.
How could he have known? Too bad you can't ask him.
But I will now that he's our guest.
Mr.
West Your vision will improve in a moment.
Be patient.
We placed you under restraint, Mr.
West.
It seemed the best thing to do when we discovered your credentials.
Who are you? Oh, forgive me.
I am Dr.
Mohammed Bey.
And, while I'm observing the amenities, the young lady is Miss Ecstasy La Joie.
Ecstasy.
Under other circumstances, it would be a pleasure.
I was thinking the same thing.
But, uh, we can't have everything, can we? "Bey" I've heard of you.
You were granted political asylum by the United States when you were exiled by the emir.
Is that how you repay your debt? You have seen Emir El Emid.
Can you imagine him as the absolute ruler of your country? Sic him, Doc.
If one man dies so that thousands- millions- may be healed, in my opinion, that is good medical practice.
I'm glad you're not my doctor.
Ah, but that's where you're wrong.
He is your doctor.
Wait till you get his bill.
I must know how you were able to intercept my little gift for El Emid.
How did you know it was an explosive device? I didn't.
Well, then why did you catch my garter? I don't take chances with lives I'm supposed to protect.
Unfortunate, isn't it? Your personal code is more reckless.
I don't like your answer, Mr.
West.
But we'll give you an opportunity to revise it.
Tell me, who informed you? This is a part of the violent ward of my hospital, Mr.
West.
The walls are solid stone.
Sometimes it is necessary to place the violently disturbed in traction.
It is my great good fortune that the enemy of my people has been forced to come to this country.
If it costs my life, I cannot allow such an opportunity to pass.
If this position proves beneficial to your recall, Mr.
West, there will be a guard outside the door.
He will get word to me.
We don't have to be idle while Mr.
West faces his decision.
We have a new weapon at which Ecstasy must become proficient.
That's one way to do it.
Now, let me show you another.
Let's assume that statue on the left is El Emid.
With a little work, you will be as good a marksman as I, Ecstasy.
I'll try.
Now, use the statue on the right.
Hold it normally, as you would in the dance, then snap with the wrist so.
But you must be careful of the cutting edge.
Aw, I'm afraid it's too much for her.
Nonsense.
I'm sorry to be such a disappointment to you, Doctor.
It'll be perfectly all right, my dear, just practice.
Now remember, don't let go until you will be pointing at the statue.
Now try it.
Perhaps I can get it across to her.
May I, please? Now, watch me.
Is something wrong? I was beginning to wonder about you- whether you really belonged in the Society of Assassins.
I'd have killed him myself, I I just didn't think it had to be done that way.
I don't think it matters to him anymore, do you? All right, we've done our work here.
Let's get out.
Guard! Yeah? You ready to talk? Mr.
West! What do you think you're doing? What I'm paid to do: I'm protecting your life.
This is absurd! The only way this lovely creature could endanger my life would be by giving it too much pleasure.
Really, James, you did spoil the best part of the young lady's dance.
The best part? You are a very naughty creature.
We only have West's word that she meant to throw the tambourine at you.
Yes, that's right.
If you like, you can just think of the tambourine as a defensive weapon.
Of course.
A creature must be able to defend herself.
Some evil man might try to take advantage of her.
And who could blame him? He wouldn't live long enough to be blamed.
Oh, really, James, you are assuming a great deal.
Really? She's only tried to kill the emir twice in one evening.
Is this true? Well, everyone has an off night occasionally.
But this is fabulous- in this one female creature, so much talent.
She is not only expert Egyptian dancer; she also can-canner.
How precious! You must join us for dinner tonight, my lovely one.
She tries to kill you and you invite her to dinner? Why not? The element of risk will add considerable spice to our relationship.
After all, is it not the selfsame element of danger that's makes your job so exciting? Sure.
Well, in that case, perhaps you had better stay.
I'll be back as soon as I change clothes.
Oh, don't hurry, Mr.
West.
Please, don't hurry.
You better keep an eye on her.
Oh, that's going to be a tough assignment, James, my boy.
It just may be tougher than you think.
Oh, listen, I, uh, put our luggage in one of the rooms down the hall.
Here's the key.
Thanks.
And now, I insist we all drink a toast to the charms of this most beautiful and talented young lady.
Does everyone have a glass? Everyone but Mr.
Gordon.
My water, please.
To Miss La Joie the most exciting young person I have yet met in this country.
To Miss La Joie.
Ah Let go of me! You just never give up, do you? Take your hands off me.
I'm afraid I'll have to take you with me, young woman- if you don't mind.
Well, nice of you gentlemen to happen along.
Really? We'll take that, if you don't mind.
Oh, of course.
There you are.
All right, get the emir.
You, bring the girl.
Artemus? Come on, buddy.
Hey, Jim.
Hey, what are you trying to do, drown me? Ooh, that water's cold.
You sure about that? Why don't you just dump the whole ice bucket on me while you're about it? I was thinking about it.
What happened here? Oh, I wish I knew.
The emir proposed a toast to Ecstasy, which everybody drank except me.
And Ecstasy.
Uh-huh.
After the musicians and servants took off, Ecstasy went after the emir with a knife.
I stopped her.
You take care of him, I'll look around.
I'm surprised you trust me to look after myself.
Yes, I know the feeling well, friend.
It should be illegal to feel this rotten and not have a variety of loathsome memories to cherish.
I agree.
No signs of anyone around- cooks, servants, all gone.
Frankly, gentlemen, I'm surprised at El Emid.
I can't imagine him being guilty of such shabby treatment of his guests.
I hardly think he was responsible for the hospitality.
Trying times, gentlemen.
Oh.
Perhaps we could all use a splash of solace.
Uh, no, thank you, I've just taken the pledge.
Ah Better.
Perhaps now I can face the frigid blasts of outrageous fortune.
Be toddling along if I can be of no further assistance.
We'll see you off, T.
Don't bother.
My carriage is waiting, I'm sure.
Oh, no bother.
Good night, gentlemen.
I trust your luck improves as the evening wears on.
There's only one direction it can go.
Good night, T.
There goes either a very bad liar or one of the original iron stomachs of all time.
I agree with you, Artemus.
Any man who can put down champagne on a drug hangover isn't human.
How long before the tape wears out? Long enough for us to get our horses and keep Mr.
T.
Wiggett Jones in sight on his night ride wherever it takes him.
My that Jones certainly took a ride for himself, didn't he? We must be ten miles outside the city.
We'd better leave the horses here.
Right.
Hey, Jim what if this place is completely legitimate? I mean, somebody's country home- it could even be Jones's.
You know, I understand he's a very wealthy man.
If it is Jones, he's going to a lot of trouble to ensure his privacy.
An honest citizen has armed guards at the gate? Ah, that is a little antisocial.
Keep your eyes open, Artemus, I'm going over that wall.
Right.
Ecstasy.
It seems we have an intruder coming over the north wall.
Any volunteers? I propose we send George.
That's a marvelous idea.
Yes, how's about it, George? Well, I'm sure you all find the picture of poor old George waddling and wheezing around the grounds in the middle of the night highly amusing, but, uh, sorry to disappoint you.
These athletic kills are not my cup of tea.
Oh, dear.
I'll go.
in one minute.
I'll cover that.
Go.
A very wild bet- he can't do it in a minute.
Clay's never lost a bet yet.
Clay was one of our most capable members.
We'll send a team this time.
No.
If my suspicions are correct this problem requires the entire membership.
I suggest we deploy ourselves accordingly.
Inside? If I'm not badly mistaken, our intruder will not be satisfied until he finds out what's going on here.
One more move, you're going to look just like a porcupine.
Jim! Why didn't you present yourself at the front gate? Perhaps your reception, uh, wouldn't have been so exciting, but it would have been warm.
Uh, you may resume your regular activities, gentlemen, ladies.
Jim, you were magnificent.
It may interest you to know that no one has ever gotten this far before, and quite a number have tried.
Let's go into my study.
Perhaps we can find a drink to refresh the inner man after your strenuous reception.
So calm about my being here- were you expecting me? Of course.
You and Artemus would have been a shattering disappointment if you both failed to suspect me.
I didn't really need that drink, you know.
Would you like a drink? No, thank you.
Then be seated, please.
No, thanks.
I like to keep moving.
Oh You fear the chair might be a trap.
So it might be! It does pay to be cautious, James.
That is only one of your many admirable qualities.
By the way, what about Artemus? He did ride out here with you, of course.
No, I came alone.
What kind of a host would I be if I called you a liar? We shall be absolutely numb with surprise when Artemus makes his appearance.
Why should he? When, after a reasonable time, you fail to rejoin him, won't he become concerned? And, James, in that context, as difficult as you found it to break in here, I must warn you, you'll find it impossible to break out.
I'm sure I'm being watched.
All the time.
And as long as you know that, we may as well join the others.
You shouldn't do that.
Why not? I'm very susceptible.
I might begin to enjoy it.
I might even fall in love with you.
Right now, I'd settle for a warm and understanding friendship.
Then you're playing the wrong game by the wrong rules.
Well, we could start over again with a handshake.
We can't be friends.
You should know that by now.
I was afraid you'd say that.
Is there any reason we can't make the most out of being enemies? Enemies forever.
Forever.
Ecstasy, my sweet, and James, you look so splendid together it pains me to separate you for even a moment.
However, El Emir has arrived and has requested you do a dance for him, Ecstasy.
I don't mind.
If Mr.
West will permit the emir to take a chance like that.
I might, if you can think of a dance where her hands are empty and visible at all times.
Come, James.
Shall we find a better vantage point? Remarkable young woman.
Mmm, remarkable.
Olé! Bravo! Olé! Toro! Olé! Toro! James, we must talk.
Hmm? Sorry to tear you away like this.
Olé! I can imagine you have some questions.
One or two.
What is all this? A very exclusive club, James.
We number only the finest families among our members.
And you get together once a week for fun and games.
We also entertain our guests here.
Yes, indeed.
But aren't you afraid of overdoing it? Oh, El Emid has truly a heroic capacity for being entertained.
And we can't have him becoming bored.
He might wish to leave.
He can't leave.
Is that the point? Well, we'd prefer he didn't- at least until we receive a message from our bank in Switzerland.
You mean that you're holding the emir of the Ottoman Empire for ransom? Oh, no, James.
We're keeping him here as our honored guest.
Shall we say as collateral? The most important question remains unasked.
I'm afraid to ask.
That's not like you.
However, I shall consider it asked.
We call this the Assassins' Club.
I had a feeling this wasn't the Wednesday Afternoon Whist Society.
Charming.
Since this is an assassins' club, I suppose it wouldn't be gauche of me to ask how many people you've assassinated lately.
Oh, not at all.
died tonight, in all parts of the world.
You encountered one of them, I believe, Dr.
Mohammed Bey.
Within a month, they would have led an armed revolt against El Emid.
We can't have that.
You mean you've killed We are well organized.
How much has this set El Emid back? Well, nothing.
You see, El Emid is our collateral.
For what? Something El Emid possesses in vast supply- desert.
of empty, sun-baked sand.
It sounds like too good a bargain.
Where is this little piece of desert he's deeding to you? It crosses the Isthmus of Suez.
And the Suez Canal Company will have to buy this wasteland from you at your price.
It's not for sale, James.
However, we will lease it on our terms.
Now I get the picture- a simple business transaction.
A little bloody but simple.
Please, for one moment, balance those 14 deaths against the slaughter that would certainly have happened in the wake of a revolution.
And now I understand this celebration.
May I ask why I'm still alive? To put it simply and directly, you are here because we want you in the club.
Uh, think about it.
I don't have to.
You're being impulsive.
I ask you to think.
You regularly kill in the service of your country.
We pay better; the working conditions- you had a sampling tonight.
Save it, T.
, I'm not interested.
Uh, allow me one final word of reason.
Our work, the assassinations surely you have the sophistication to understand that if we didn't provide this service, someone else would.
You're not selling anything.
I'm sorry to hear that.
We'd looked forward to your truly exceptional talents working for us.
Needless to say, we can't allow those talents to be employed against us.
Needless to say.
You may join the others while we decide what to do about you.
Oh James, hopefully you'll reconsider.
Oh, no, I promise.
I won't press any buttons.
Get the cage.
I trust you won't be too uncomfortable, West.
However, Christopher will be watching you.
One move and he'll drop this panel.
That cuts off your air.
It also activates a deadly gas when these two components come together.
It may lead you to reconsider your decision.
What are you doing here? Look, I have orders to shoot anyone who enters this room.
I have orders, too.
T.
decided that you might be getting a little bored.
You might even get sleepy with nothing to do and no one to talk to.
Oh, really? Well, why didn't they send another man in that case, hmm? Complaints- always complaints.
Is there any reason we can't be comfortable? No, I'm going to find out about this right away.
Ecstasy, what are you doing? That should be obvious- hurry.
Jim, you're wasting time.
What should I be doing? Getting away.
I took a big chance coming here to help you.
Why break the rules for me? Maybe because I've taken more than a passing interest in you.
T.
told me that Dr.
Bey and 13 of his colleagues were assassinated tonight.
You and your friend over there were with the good doctor.
Did you kill him? No, they did.
Or at least Christopher did it for them with his tambourine.
I couldn't stop it.
I even had to pretend I approved so they'd think I was one of them.
You know, the more you talk, the more confused I become.
I don't know whose side you're on- excluding, of course, your own.
Dr.
Bey was good to me and he was honest.
He believed the only way to help the people of his country was to kill El Emir.
So you're going to carry out what he started.
That's right.
Well, if you're determined, I suppose there's nothing I can do about it.
On the other hand, there's the distinct possibility that we may never see each other again.
In that event, I think I'm entitled to say good-bye to you properly.
Sorry, but you're far too pretty a girl to go around killing people.
Well, who have we here? Hussein Bin Hocar, grand vizier to His Highness Emir El Emid.
I must speak with His Highness at once.
Well, as you can see, your prince is a bit tied up at the moment.
It is a matter of state, young man.
Please, step aside.
You women, leave us alone.
Go, go, go, go, go! What is the meaning of this? Your Highness, I am Artemus Gordon, but please call me Hussein Bin Hocar in front of these people.
I've told them that I'm your grand vizier.
Now, Jim West is around here somewhere; between the two of us, I promise you, we'll get you out.
Out? Yes.
You must be crazy.
I don't want out.
Don't you understand? This whole place is a prison.
There are armed guards every foot of the way here.
Mr.
Gordon if this is a prison, please see what you can do about getting me a life sentence.
I like it here.
Artemus Gordon.
Of course! I should have known.
I've been expecting you, and yet still you slipped right past me.
Unfortunately, this is not a costume ball or you'd win all the prizes.
Come.
I'll take you to see James West.
Jim's all right? Of course- what did you expect? I, uh Oh I must say, I'm just a trifle surprised.
Well, I'm only so pleased that we could all be here, one big happy family.
Put him in there.
I told him he could see his friend.
Where's James West? Where is he?! Sound the alarm- West has escaped! I want him brought back here! You did this to me, didn't you, Ecstasy? There's no other way he could have gotten out of here.
Did he double-cross you, my dear? Or did he spurn you? Oh, what a rotter.
Yes, you are going to pay for that indiscretion! You are going to pay very, very dearly.
Get away from that cage, T.
, now.
I don't think so, my friend.
You slide your gun to me, or else she dies.
You see, once I activate this deadly gas, you'll never get her out of there.
Not alive.
Well? Pick it up.
Now It had to come to this, didn't it, James? Our moment of truth.
What we've both really been wanting.
A test.
A test of strength and skill.
The skill of hand-to-hand combat.
Do you think you're up to it? Oh, my dear fellow I personally trained my most accomplished assassins.
Jammed! I always have to hurt you, don't I? T.
was right- you are a rotter.
But you're a charming one and you did save my life.
Well, it was only fair.
You saved mine.
I hate you, you know that? Of course.
And I still plan to kill the emir.
Of course.
Why does he keep saying "of course" in that irritating manner? Because he thinks you're a fraud.
What? So do I.
It's true, Ecstasy, you might as well admit it.
You know you've never killed anybody in your life.
I have so.
I've killed dozens of people.
Name one.
Well, there was there was Yes? Well, there was that Austrian prince for one.
Oh, an Austrian prince.
That's interesting, isn't it, Artemus? In the business we're in, we're usually informed about the assassinations of, uh, politicians, and I don't remember an Austrian prince being assassinated in the last eight to ten years.
Wouldn't that be right, Artemus? Closer to 12, I'd say.
Well, it was earlier than that.
It was in 1860, to be exact- in March.
March of 1860.
You would have been nine years old at the time.
I hate you.
Oh, we established that some time ago.
Enemies forever? Forever.