True Jackson, VP (2008) s01e18 Episode Script

"True Jackson, VP" Was filmed in front Of a live studio audience.
Ryan, what are you doing? Just a little Target practice.
Are you crazy? You could hurt somebody.
You should've seen His first idea.
He wanted me to put An apple on my head.
Ladies, it's a squishy ball.
No one ever got hurt By an innocent Little squishy ball.
Aah! Clean that up.
See? No one got hurt.
Hi, guys.
Isn't it a lovely I'm sorry to announce That Ella from accounting Will be in the hospital For at least ten days.
Ten days? I thought it was just A sprained ankle.
It was, but the paramedics Accidentally dropped The stretcher, Which rolled down 52nd street And hit a hotdog stand, Which in turn tipped over And spilled Flaming hot Sauerkraut juice All over her.
How often does that happen? Apparently quite a bit.
Poor thing's in terrible pain.
This is a tragedy.
Really? You like Ella? Who's Ella? I was talking about my manicure.
I just got this done yesterday And it's ruined.
Oh wait, It's just a piece of muffin.
Yes yes, that's better.
We should probably get Ella A card or something.
Oh, we're doing Better than that.
I've personally asked Oscar To get one of those giant "get well soon" cookies.
Kopelman, put that down.
You're thinking about taking Another bite, Aren't you? Out! Personnel is trying To find a replacement for Ella, But it hasn't been easy.
What about Lulu? She's a wiz with numbers.
Do you think She'd be willing? Are you kidding? She'd love it.
She cried on the last day On math camp.
Perfect.
I'll have personnel Send a temporary Assistant for you While Lulu is in accounting.
Ahem.
Yes, Amanda? I was wondering If we might be ready For my presentation.
Yes, of course, The raincoats.
Ahh, not just raincoats.
When we think raincoats, We usually think of two words: Ugly and plastic.
But today I present Two new words Fashionable and fantastic.
Those aren't new words.
Fantashionable.
Now that's a new word.
Oh, I like it.
Me, too.
Think of another one.
Fashtabulous.
Ah, she shoots, she scores! People, please.
Behold, mad style's New signature raincoat.
I love it.
That fabric is beautiful.
And it's completely Waterproof? Oh, completely.
I mean, you could wear this In the most torrential downpour And feel as cozy as a cat.
Aah.
AndI'm soaked.
I thought it was waterproof.
Apparently not.
And neither is the satin dress I'm wearing underneath it.
Amanda, these raincoats Are due to be shipped In a couple of days.
I'm sure you two Will come up with something.
The two of us.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm getting photographed This afternoon for the cover Of everyman magazine.
What's that? It's a monthly aimed At the common man.
Like me.
No offense, Mr.
Madigan, But aren't you Like a gazillionaire? Oh heaven's, no.
I'm a multi-gazillionaire, ciao.
Hey, Lulu, I hope it's cool, But I volunteered you To fill in for Ella In accounting for a week.
Uh-oh, I don't know, I'm not really good At tap dancing.
Not that, her accounting job.
Sweet, I love numbers.
True, your new temp is here.
Wow, that was fast.
Mr.
Jameson? True Jackson? You know each other? Of course, we know Each other.
This is great.
My new assistant Is my science teacher.
from my head to my toes it's all real and you know fresh and cool it's just what I do t-r-u-e-j-a-c-k-s-o-n-v-p working at a grownup job I never really knew I could work this hard just used to sit at home and watch tv now I'm in an office as the new v.
P.
I'm always setting trends with my two best friends when things get out of hand we have a plan we're just messin' around and we're makin' new ground for the whole wide world to see if you see us in town you know it's goin' down cause I'm the new VP wow, your office is huge.
I've been a teacher For 10 years And my office is the size Of a broom closet.
I'm sure It's bigger than that.
Yeah, Maybe it just looks small With all those brooms in it.
So, why are you temping, Mr.
Jameson? Oh, I like to keep busy When school's not in session.
You know, It keeps the mind agile, Keeps me focused, Hey, what is that? It's a lamp.
True, How would you like this lamp To be seven hundred times Brighter? Who wouldn't? Yeah.
Well, I'm really excited To have you be my assistant.
This shouldn't Be awkward at all.
Can I help you? Which flavor Are you looking for? Oh, no flavor.
I just like the way It feels on my knuckles.
Ryan, You are never gonna believe Who is in my office.
If I gave you A thousand guesses Mr.
Jameson? Yes.
How'd you know? Your door's open And I can see him in there, Examining your lamp.
What's he doing here anyway? He's my new assistant.
Whoa, so basically You're the boss of the guy Who's the boss of you The rest of the time? How am I going to ask him To do stuff for me? You don't ask him To do stuff, You tell him and he has to do Whatever you say.
Have him carry you On his shoulders And I'll get on Oscar's And we can have a chicken fight.
You come near me And I'm calling security.
Don't worry True, I can fix that.
Fix what? That.
Hey, Nora, Do we get a break down here? Oh, not until you finish That giant stack of work Next to you.
Oh, that's my done pile.
Really? You did all that work already? And some of Craig's.
And I also got a little bored, So I also balanced Your checkbook.
You spend a lot of money On cat food.
Mr.
Madigan? One second, True, I'm just changing Into some casual duds For my everyman magazine shoot.
Those are casual duds? You don't think I look too casual, Do you? Like a hobo? I'm not wearing socks.
You're not gonna believe Who my new assistant is.
My science teacher.
Oh, That's an amazing coincidence.
Wanna hear another one? Yesterday I found out That the private chef on my jet Is the same private chef I have on my yacht.
I should talk about that In the article.
Are you sure This is the right look For a magazine Aimed at the common man? I mean, This is a pretty fancy office.
I get what you're delicately Trying to tell me.
You do? Of course.
I should have them draped The place in silk And bring in a bunch Of marble columns.
Yeah, that's what I was getting at.
Hey, Ella.
I'm not sure if you remember me.
Of course I do.
You're True's friend, Carl.
It's Ryan.
Listen, everyone at the office Feels really bad About your accident, So we wanted you to have this "get well soon" cookie.
It just says "oon.
" eah, I got a little hungry On the bus.
Listen, part of me feels like This is my fault.
It is.
But another part of me Doesn't wanna get Into any sort of trouble.
So you're not gonna Tell anybody, right? It will be our secret.
Uh-oh awesome, thanks.
Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all.
Oh, would you mind Going to my apartment And feeding my fish? Where do you live? Brooklyn.
Pass.
Hey, is that apple sauce? I'll taste that.
Oh, mind if I change Your channel and see What game is on? Cock-a-doodle-do, It's a deep drive To left field Mr.
Jameson? One second, True.
That's odd.
The solvent is having a reaction To the base compound.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm making some Jameson To seal those envelopes You gave me earlier.
Why don't you just Use the glue On the back of the envelope? The jameson 5000 will be Seven hundred times stronger.
Won't that make it Harder to open? yes, Seven hundred times harder.
Mr.
Jameson, I'd hate to interrupt, But did you make those Phone calls I asked you to? Nope.
They're kind of important.
I need you to let the Marketing and production Departments know That the raincoats Won't be ready.
Oh, well that does Sound important.
Well, you can count on me.
Great.
Okay.
I bet I could make That dial tone Seven hundred times stronger.
Lulu, is True in? Lulu, I'm Mr.
Jameson.
Oh, would you believe I almost never Look at Lulu's face? True story.
I see you drink A lot of coffee.
I wouldn't say a lot.
Maybe twenty cups a day.
Oh, let me introduce you To the jameson 5000 Hotty hot mug.
It's made from high-purity Amorphous silica fibers That I coated With a two-component alloy To keep the thermal expansion Acceptably low.
Just as I suspected.
Yeah, it's what they make The space shuttle out of.
Although I miscalculated Slightly on the cost.
The handle alone costs Fourteen hundred smackers.
You're peculiar, aren't you? Say, True, have you thought Of any solutions For our little raincoat fiasco? Not really, how about you? Nothing.
The best I could come up With was pairing the coats We have with matching umbrellas.
That's a great idea.
It is? I mean, yes, I think so.
The piping on the coats Is tweed.
If we made the umbrellas In the same pattern, We could sell them as a pair.
"what the well-dressed exec Is wearing When it looks like rain.
" I like it.
I mean, why wouldn't I? It's my idea.
I'll tell my assistant To get marketing on the phone.
Oh yes, Let's see how the mad Professor Handles that challenge.
He's not that bad.
Extraordinary! Maybe he is.
Gosh, I wish Lulu was here.
At least she's having fun With her new job.
True, it's me Lulu, again.
Calling from the most Boring place on planet dull.
Call me back, I'm bored.
Oh, not you guys.
You guys are the best.
Well, if you're really That bored, Maybe you'd like to take A crack at the wall.
What's the wall? She can't do it, Nora.
She's just a kid.
What's the wall? Check it out the wall.
That's it? A math problem? Not just any math problem.
This is fulcrum's conundrum.
Fulcrum's conundrum.
I just said that, Craig.
okay, let me give it a shot.
Nope, it's too hard.
Maybe I'll play A little solitaire.
Suit yourself.
Suit yourself.
Craig? Sorry.
Hey, Oscar, Have you seen my assistant? Yes, I believe he's right here, True.
Mr.
Jameson, did you set up Those meetings I asked you to? Nope.
Well, did you let Marketing know I need To talk to them About the raincoat campaign? Nope.
I don't want to be rude, But I need you To do those things a.
S.
A.
P.
I'm on it.
Thanks.
Right after I'm done Fixing the elevator.
Perfect.
I have to fire my teacher.
See if you can get My shoe back first.
He's putting a GPS in it.
Have you tracked down The material for the umbrellas? - no.
- Why not? I've had a few issues today With my support staff.
You mean the lunk Outside your office? He gave me a mug That keeps coffee Slightly hotter than the sun.
I filled it over an hour ago And I still can't get it Anywhere near my face Without singeing my eyebrows.
I have to fire him.
That's rough.
I know.
Take some pictures When he starts to cry.
I need a new screensaver.
Uh-huh.
So that's why The atomic symbol for gold Is au and not g.
Does that answer your question? Not even remotely.
I asked where you got Your watch.
Mr.
Jameson? Oh, oh.
Hi True, yeah I'm Just about to get a jump On those errands you gave me.
Right, well, about that, I need to talk to you About something.
It's sort of big.
Okay.
I have something big To tell you too.
You want to quit? No, no, no, Just the opposite.
I'm having the time Of my life here.
And you, you've always Been a great student, But it has been awe-inspiring To see what a great boss You are too.
Now, what do you want to say? I was wondering If there is any way You can make my office Fridge colder> how about Seven hundred times colder? That doesn't seem like It's going to be colder.
Deep drive to left field.
Carpenter looks up at the wall And it is gone.
Bruce Robinson has taken Ben deep oh man, that is gross.
Yeah, we need More apple sauce in here, stat.
Well, if you wouldn't mind, I'm feeling a little bit sleepy.
Oh, of course, of course.
Rest is important.
I bet you'll wake up Feeling better than ever.
I'll just turn this light off.
Okay, bye.
Mr.
Madigan, I whoa it's white in here.
How's it going, True? I think Amanda and I Have come up with a solution To the raincoat problem.
Great.
But that's not why I came in.
I'm having a little problem With my temp.
I don't think I could handle Another problem right now, True.
Why, what's wrong? The white tiger I ordered for the photo shoot Hasn't arrived.
How am I supposed to look Like "joe lunch pail" Without a rare albino tiger At my feet? I'm sure you make do.
That's the spirit.
But I do wonder Where that tiger ended up.
Lulu, there you are.
How come you Haven't been answering Your phone? If I carry the four, I still need A negative integer Lulu, I need your help.
Negative seven over x.
No, that doesn't Even make sense.
That's the prettiest pony I've ever seen? Where? Oh, hi True.
Lulu, I have to fire Mr.
Jameson, But I don't know how to do it.
Remember the time You fired me? That didn't seem so hard.
You've got to let that go.
Sorry, just compliment him On all the stuff He's good at first, And then let him down easy.
Focusn the positive.
Right, Like the positive integers In fulcrum's conundrum.
I can't understand That thing at all.
It looks upside down to me.
Wait a minute.
Sixteen.
The answer is sixteen.
She is right, X equals sixteen.
Fulcrum's conundrum Was that he nailed The board upside down.
He had one nail And he nailed it in the middle.
In the middle.
Craig, enough.
Mr.
Jameson, Can I talk to you real first? I would imagine so.
The human mouth is capable Of moving at a velocity Of nearly Mr.
Jameson.
Look, you're an incredible Teacher and such A great inventor.
I wish that were True.
But my latest experiment Is a dismal failure.
Take a look at my sweater.
It's green, right? Yeah.
Yeah, It's supposed to turn blue, But the water just beads up And rolls right off.
The jameson 5000 color switch Is a disaster.
Mr.
Jameson, listen, Sometimes a job Just isn't right for somebody.
And I'm afraid To tell you that wait.
What? Oscar, call a code yellow In the conference room.
Come with me.
Well actually, I'm kind of in the middle Of some-oh boy.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
In keeping With the zarghami principle, When the liquids are heated To a level Greater than 28 Kelvin, We find the base compound Duly affected.
Bam, what he said? Speaking of which, What did he say? And why I am here? What would you say If I told you That Mr.
Jameson has a solution That could make Any fabric waterproof? Huh, now that I'd like to see.
That's amazing.
Look at her, dry as a bone.
Yeah, if I may Max, I'm What's the word? Drenched.
Well, of course.
Your garment Hasn't been treated.
But True's here has.
I can't feel a thing.
I'm sorry, Why exactly was it necessary To throw water on me? Quiet, Amanda.
You can't argue with science.
And there you have it.
We can have the raincoats Sprayed with Mr.
Jameson's invention.
The jameson 5000 Waterproofer.
And we can ship them On Monday, on schedule.
But I thought You called all our distributers And pushed back The delivery date.
Lucky for us, Mr.
Jameson is a great inventor But a terrible assistant, And he didn't call anybody.
Right? Truth be told, I forgot until just this moment.
Great work, Mr.
Jameson.
By the way, you're fired.
You said what now? And you're hired.
As a consultant To our production staff.
Oh, is that a full-time job? It is.
Then I'll have to pass.
Teaching is my life.
It's more than just a job, It's a responsibility.
But thank you.
At least, let me pay you For the jameson 5000 Waterproofer.
Here's a million dollars.
Oh, thanks.
And here, I want you To have this hotty hot mug Filled with delicious Flavored coffee.
I will see you in class, True.
Bye, Mr.
Jameson.
I'm so glad He didn't take the job here.
I'd be sad if he wasn't My science teacher.
I understand.
He seems like A pretty special guy.
Aaaaah, aaaaah, aaaaah.
Well, what do you think? The article doesn't make me Seem too ordinary, does it? Ordinary? How so, Max? There's that picture of me Driving my beat-up old car.
It's a solid gold Convertible.
With a steering wheel cut From a single diamond.
I'm not sure Of the point you're making.
Lots of people Don't even own cars.
Like me, for example.
Don't own a car? Well goodness, take mine.
How will you get to work? I'll take the bus.
Oh, it says here he also owns A solid gold bus.
Lulu, I'm so glad You're back.
Oh, it's good to be back.
It sort of smells Like cats down there.
Ryan, what do you have? It's the Ryan 5000 ball whipper.
It looks like Your old slingshot With a light on it.
Perhaps.
I thought You weren't supposed to use that In the office anymore.
Somebody could get hurt.
Slingshots are Like lightning.
Nobody ever gets hurt twice.
Hi guys, I'm back.
We're going to need Another one Of those big cookies.
There she is, The clumsiest accountant In town.
I'm just kidding.
How are you doing? Well, I'm a bit drowsy I was in surgery, you know.
Anyway, I felt terrible, So I wanted you to have A cookie and some flowers.
Where are they? I ate them.
The flowers too? It was a long bus ride.
Oh, you're never Going to believe What happened at work.
Our science teacher Invented a spray That can waterproof anything.
You want to see? Not particularly.
It's pretty amazing.
However cool You think it's gonna be, Double it.
Did you double it? Yes.
Aah.
It soaked Right through.
It's impossible.
I sprayed it with air freshener.
Well, I should probably Head out.
Yes, I think that would be best.
On second thought, I think I'll hang out Here today.