Whitney s01e18 Episode Script

This is so depressing.
I was almost married.
I was so close to being done.
Living a life of no makeup, wearing flats, being on the bottom.
Maybe I was wrong about marriage, it sounds awesome.
Look, don't worry, Lil.
I mean, it's normal to feel this way.
It's not normal to make us put on these dresses and sing Kanye West.
But, you know what? Anything to help you get over Neal.
Uh, uh, uh.
I told you, no one is allowed to say "the n word" in this apartment.
Shouldn't no one say "the n word," ever? Then we should probably stop singing Kanye West.
You know what? I'm over it.
I'm not even thinking about it.
Someone pass me another Neal.
Uh, I mean, a beer.
Okay, let's just focus on the positive, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- I mean, I just got out of a relationship too, we've never been single at the same time, this could be fun.
- Ah, I don't know.
- No, it'll be good.
You guys can go to clubs, and you can do "special k," and, um, you can have sex with European backpackers.
Okay, I haven't been single in a while.
You know what? You guys are right.
I've got to get out of this apartment.
Take my mind off of him.
Yes, yes, see? Good, we'll go out tonight.
Yes.
I mean, I'm already buzzed and wearing spanx.
I think that's the name of Chelsea handler's new book.
Hmm, yeah.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Don't lie, staying with me has been pretty awesome, right? Yeah, this couch is surprisingly comfortable.
Come on, dude, we both know you're not here for the couch.
You're here because your heart just got its ass kicked.
Right in the balls.
And of all the people that you know, you came to me.
Well, I didn't want to impose on Alex and Whitney, and Bup bup bup bup bup.
I'm just happy somebody finally recognized I'm the emotional go-to guy for our group.
I was actually just about to say that I Shh.
Look, I used to be just like you, okay? Shut down, always trying to be the tough guy.
Do you know how many times I cried in a helmet? I'm fine.
Your engagement broke off last week.
Now you're sleeping on the couch of a guy whose middle name you probably don't even know.
Patrick.
Fine, we're best friends.
But you can't tell me you're not hurting right now.
Look, honestly, I don't know how I'm feeling, okay? There's a lot of things going on in my mind right now, and I just need to sort some things out.
We will, I promise you.
Two nights on my couch and I will get inside of you.
Feel like we got off to a weird start.
It's so nice out.
I know.
Walking outside, in the fresh air We should get a treadmill.
You know, it's so weird that lily and Neal actually broke up.
I know, it's a classic story.
Couple falls in love, decides to get engaged, disaster and heartbreak follow.
What kind of fairy tales were you read as a kid? My favorite one was called "eviction notice," where the princess had to move to a new castle.
- Ah.
- Mm-hmm.
Did your dad ever hug you? Aw, come here.
Mm, not like that.
Well, I can think of some other things your dad never did to you.
- Okay, first of all, ew.
- Mm.
Second of all, ew.
And third of all, sex in public never goes according to plan.
That's true.
You always just realize how much gravel there is in the world.
All right, nice and calm, hand over your wallet and your purse.
Okay, man, look, just take it easy, okay, I Wow.
Oh, my God, thank God you're okay! Are you okay? I don't know, my girlfriend stood me up at a mugging.
I can't believe you just stayed with him.
I didn't just stay with him.
He's not an injured bird, Whit.
He kind of made my attendance mandatory.
Okay, why didn't you call me? Ah, the mugger wouldn't let me borrow the phone that he mugged from me.
Why did you run? That's what you're supposed to do.
That is not at all what you're supposed to do.
Even the mugger thought that was weird.
Everybody knows that when a couple gets mugged, you're supposed to run in opposite directions.
He can't shoot both of you.
No, just the guy still standing there next to him.
I thought you knew what to do.
I do.
You do whatever the guy with the gun is telling you to do.
Give me the phone, I need to call the police.
Why? We're fine.
I'm not fine! I was mugged! Because you didn't run.
It's like you have the brain of a deer.
Running works, okay? I learned at a very early age, you don't try to be the hero.
Okay, I ran from bullies, I ran from cops, I ran from feelings.
Okay, I have very good survival instincts.
If it wasn't for those, I would have been moshed to death at the warped tour.
Okay, survival instincts, yeah, all right.
What are you supposed to do when there's a tornado coming? Run.
Where? Away.
No, you're supposed to go into the basement.
Wha go to the basement? Where the laundry is? What am I, gonna do a load of whites? All right, well what about if there's an earthquake? Run.
Again, with the running.
You know, it's times like this where you really see someone's true colors.
Is that a song? No, it's a real emotion, Whitney, all right? You know that we're in a relationship, right? We're supposed to be together, we're supposed to be a team.
Yes, we're on a team.
It's called "team stay alive.
" Okay, teammate, can you tell me one situation where your first thought wouldn't be to run? I guess if I had a bomb strapped to me.
Thatwhen you'd stay with me? Come on, man, let it out.
What you feeling? Mark, I don't Dude, for the last time, don't tell me, tell her.
Again, Mark, that picture makes me really uncomfortable.
Good, go with that.
Why does it make you uncomfortable? Because I've never seen it before, and I don't know where you got it.
I'm sensing anger.
Let's give it a place to go.
Rip out a few sets on the muscle-maker.
No.
Break something.
Just don't break anything that's You know what? Just break my nose.
Look, Mark, I can't give you what you're looking for, because the things that I'm feeling I can't put into words.
And that's the problem with people.
We want to use words, and words are dumb.
You know how the grizzly bear processes loss? Yeah, I think they go to sleep for like six months, and nobody bothers them.
The grizzly bear climbs to the top of the nearest hill, and it roars, Neal.
Neal, this is your hill.
Yeah, I am not going to Yah! Oh, that feels so good.
Hoo-ah! My friend, you have lost your she-bear.
And I am not going to stop until I hear you roar.
Naa-ah! [Weakly.]
Ah.
Ah.
Ow.
Ah, oh, no.
Uck, oh, no.
Oh, no.
Is that blood? Or wine? Wait, blood or wine? Blood or wine? Uh, that's wine.
That's blood.
We had fun last night.
Uh, why are you wearing my wedding dress? It was the only way to keep you from putting it on again.
Whoa, why am I sore? Did we get drunk and do Pilates? No, we did jump in that guy's convertible, and you missed.
Oh, I was wrong.
That is blood.
Whoa, I sent some texts I am going to regret.
Who is Johan? I was texting all night with some guy named Johan.
I gotta go home and rehydrate so I can cry.
No, no, no, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, don't go, no.
You're single, I'm single, our day is free, right? We could go to spin class, or biking, or horseback riding Wh why do you hate my vagina? Ah, all right, just let me get out of this blood-soaked wedding dress.
And that is not the first time I've said that sentence.
Okay, so that's Johan.
He's bleeding too.
[Alarm wails.]
Ah.
[Alarm stops.]
Surprise! I got us an alarm system.
Yeah, that's an awesome thing to do to a guy who just got mugged.
Scare him in his own house.
What would you do to a rape victim? Sign them up for speed dating? Okay, this is my way of showing you that we are on the same team, okay? We are now prepared in case of all emergencies.
You bought an alarm system without telling me? Well, you couldn't pay for it, because you don't have a wallet.
And I couldn't call you, because you don't have a cell phone.
And you couldn't be closer to not having a boyfriend.
We just bought a bed together.
You're not going anywhere.
Okay, so we have an alarm for intruders, one for fire, and one for when you cry.
Whit, I think that water droplet means flood.
I don't think so.
Okay, so I googled "escape plans," and the first thing we do if there's a fire in the middle of the night is wake each other up.
And then we feel the door to see if it's hot.
If it is, we go down the fire escape together, together, and once we are safely outside, we talk to a news crew and hope they auto-tune us later.
Aw, you googled something besides, "Maria Menounous, what's your job?" Fire! Fire! [Alarm wails.]
[Alarm stops.]
Good, you're up.
That door's not hot, so we can go.
What is wrong with you? What happened to your plan and all this talk about us working together? Okay, I can't believe you tested me.
I can't believe your answer to the test was to push me into the fire! Not only did you run, and not save me, you made it harder for me to save myself by body-checking me into the wall.
Okay, well, to be fair, in a fire, your hair products put you in much more danger than I do.
Look, these past few days made me realize something, all right? People are either "fight" or "flight.
" I'm "fight," and you're you're "flight.
" Okay, I'm "fight" too.
I hit you on the way out.
Do you really not see the problem here? Okay, I don't know what it is, okay? This is all I know.
It's like I was raised by wolves.
No, you weren't.
Wolves stay in a pack.
You know what? Look, I guess it's fine, it's just, when it comes to emergency situations, I'm on my own.
Come on, that is not true, all right? We are a team.
We're like Sonny and Cher.
Cher left Sonny, and then Sonny died.
On a Mountain, in an emergency.
I think Jack Daniels is a racist, because he does not get along with Jose Cuervo.
Oh, come on, it's 11:00, we've got to move or we're going to be late for our emotional cooking class.
Okay, Lil, you know what, we've been on a three day bender.
Going out and drinking all night, and doing stuff off daily candy all day.
I mean, I never thought I'd say this, but I actually miss being alone with my thoughts.
I don't.
We're having so much fun.
Okay, Lil, I'm tired, all right? I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore.
I think I'm too old to be an alcoholic.
And I am definitely too old to be grinding teenagers in "da club.
" Oh, well, that's okay.
I mean, there's plenty we can do without drinking.
Can I just say three words to you? Architectural boat tour.
Lil, I feel like maybe you're trying a little too hard to keep your mind off Neal.
Oh, pft, don't be ridiculous.
I'm completely fine.
Should I get braces? [Phone vibrates.]
Honestly, I saw an infomercial, it really got me thinking.
Oh, my God, it's Neal.
He's on his way, he wants to pick up his key.
I don't want to see him.
We've gotta get out of here.
I've got to go, grab my uggs! Lil, Lil, stop, stop, stop.
Look, I know this sucks.
But you can't just run from this.
Or drink from this.
Or yoga from this, or invisalign from this.
I'm not.
I'm just keeping busy.
And taking advantage of my groupons.
Come on, Lil.
I see what you're doing.
You don't want to be alone in this apartment.
You're attached at the hip with a best friend, you're trying to drink away the pain of a breakup, I mean, you're not dealing with reality.
How do you know? Because I'm doing it too.
Only, in my case it's even sadder, because I have not changed my underwear in three days.
Yeah, you're right, I have to deal.
I've got to cancel all the wedding stuff, and find a new place.
Can I live with you? Wow, that's aggressive.
But, uh, yeah.
Will you, please? I don't want to go home alone.
All right, Johan, grab your passport.
The party's moving.
All right, all right, I got our drinks.
And look what else I got.
Michelle, here, works for Ticketron, and penny is currently suing a major airline.
You guys should have plenty to talk about, because Neal here has bought tickets for an airplane.
What are you doing? I am sending you to "pound town.
" I don't want to go there.
Ladies, excuse us.
Before you say anything, I'm comfortable with any combination.
Look, Mark, I'm not in the mood to hook up with a random stranger.
They're not random.
I hand-picked them.
Look, when you go through a break up, your body stops producing dopamine, and serotonin.
You know what it does not stop producing? Sperm.
Let the pain, and the sperm, out.
Look, there is no pain, okay? I mean, there should be, but there isn't.
I should be devastated.
But, I'm not, I'm I'm mostly just relieved.
And it's nothing.
That's not nothing.
Nothing is something.
Feeling nothing is what it's what being a guy is all about.
Go with that.
Okay.
I feel a little ashamed that I feel relieved.
Because I should feel terrible, and I don't.
And you're right, it does feel good to say that.
Dam broken! Go-to guy! Hey, girls! I did it.
I broke this dude's dam.
Hey, I'm going to bed.
Okay, I love you.
You can sleep outside if it makes you feel more comfortable.
Oh, and make sure to close the window so the alarm sets.
I got it.
See? Go team! Uh, or you can just keep it open, in case there's a fire, so you can just throw me out of it.
I love you.
Ugh.
Oh, balls.
Oh, my God, a squirrel! Aah! Okay, calm down.
I I can't.
You know I hate rats.
Okay, it's just a squirrel.
No, no, squirrels are just sexy rats.
Everybody knows that.
I think it touched my leg, ugh.
Where is it? I don't know, I don't know, all I feel is a squirrel touch, ugh.
Okay, it's fine, all right? It is much more scared of us than we are of it, all right? It just wants something to eat, and then it's going to leave.
Let's just make a path of chips to the window so it can get out, but we can't feed it anything too nice or else we will never be able to get rid of it.
Okay, well, that was my mistake with you.
Well, hello there.
Mr.
Squirrel, I know exactly how you feel.
I hate people too.
Come on.
Come on.
I've been in the same situation.
Stuck in a strange guy's bedroom, just looking for some nuts.
Come on.
Come on.
Dude.
Bam.
Oh, my God, that was awesome.
How did you know how to do that? I was raised on a lot of cartoons.
Who was the guys, the, um The Chucky, and Bucky.
Bucky? Who? Chuck no, Chuck, and the guy with the, the, the Are you talking about rocky and Bullwinkle? Yes.
Do you know them? They were basically my parents.
Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting you were raised in the wild.
Well, not actually that you were raised in the wild, but more that you were, just, kind of not raised at all.
But, uh, hey, this is the first time it came in handy.
I don't know what to tell you.
You fell in love with a hood rat.
Hood rat.
Huh.
Oh, my God, you don't even know what are animals and what aren't.
Okay, can we please just focus on the fact that in that moment we just made a pretty good team? Well, yeah, I don't know, I didn't do much.
Well, that's what a team is.
You're not supposed to have the same strengths, you know.
You're supposed to trade off.
Like, with the squirrel, I was strong, and with the mugger, you basically hung out with him and played Wii.
You know, I'd like to see how brave you'd be if the little squirrel pulled out a tiny gun and asked you for your wallet.
If the squirrel pulled out a tiny gun and asked for my wallet, we would be millionaires.
Okay, in a hundred-meter sprint, I am beating you every time.
In high school my nickname was "fast Whitney.
" Look, I'm sure that's true, but I'm talking about physical speed, all right? I'm pretty sure that I'm faster than you.
Okay, you do a lot of things fast, but running is not one of them.
All right, look, we're not having this discussion right now, all right? Men are faster than women, end of story, good night.
- Really? - Really.
All right, on your marks, get set Go!