Who's the Boss? (1984) s01e18 Episode Script

Okay.
Is that better? Just a little more water.
Hi.
How you doing? Did you win the game? I think so.
Somebody did.
You have a brush? Bobby and Dad's outside.
Yeah.
Just hold on a second.
Here you go.
What's going on? I'm sure Bobby's gonna ask me to the schooI dance.
- How do you know? - He told Leslie's brother who told Leslie, who told ShirI, who told Marci not to tell.
So who told you? Frank Liberman.
Don't ask me how he found out.
He was gonna ask me at the bottom of the ninth, but then Dad came over.
Oh, that's too bad.
He was gonna ask me in the car, but Dad was there.
So I think he's gonna ask me now.
- I just hope Dad'll let me go on a date.
- Don't worry, I'll take care of him.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
How do I look? - Great.
I got a feeling about this season.
Pennant fever! Bulldogs! Bulldogs! Are we tough? Bulldogs! Bulldogs! Rough, Rough, Rough! Hi, Bobby.
I take it you guys won the game.
Yeah, but one of us got tossed out for lifting his leg on the umpire.
- Grover would never do that.
- Come on, Grove.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
- You looked good out there today.
- Really? You think so? - Everybody drops five or six balls.
- In one inning? - You'll do better next week.
- Oh, I hope so.
You know, it's rough out there when your mother starts booing you.
Well, look, Bobby, beginning of the season, we're all a little rusty.
What we need is some practice.
We'll go out and shag some balls.
Tony, they just played an entire ball game.
Maybe they're tired or thirsty, or maybe they'd like some refreshments.
Yes, I'm reaI thirsty.
Dad, why don't you make us egg cremes? Egg cremes.
My dad makes the best egg cremes.
- I'll show you how to make them.
- Tony, I've got a better idea.
Why don't you make them and then bring them out and surprise us? Oh, okay.
Hey, I'll be back in a wink with the drinks.
You get it? Well So, Bobby what do you think of Scranton's idea about the schooI dance? I think that's an idea whose time has come.
- Nice rug.
- Yeah.
- You okay? - No sweat.
You know about Old Lady Scranton's dance on Friday? Yeah, Bobby? Well, I was just wondering I thought maybe, well Could I use your bathroom? Tony, how do you How do you feeI about dating? I don't know.
I think things are pretty good the way they are.
Not with us.
I'm talking about Samantha.
Samantha? Get out of here.
She's just a kid.
Hi.
How'd the game go? Forget the game.
A 12-year-old shouldn't be dating.
Okay.
I'll call him back and say no.
Tony, it's just a little dance, and all the kids are going some of the parents are chaperoning, and some of the boys are asking girls.
Samantha's first date! Oh, I can't wait.
Yeah? Well, you're gonna have to, because she ain't going.
Come on.
She is not that young.
Look at Romeo and Juliet.
- How old do you think Juliet was? - Forty-one.
No.
No, Tony, she was 14.
No, no, no.
Not in the production at the Brooklyn "Y.
" Mrs.
Rossini played Juliet.
Boy, you really do miss a lot by not living in the city.
Oh, Tony, come on.
I remember when I was 12 years old No, that would not be a good example.
Look, look, even at this age, a boy's only got one thing on their minds and it ain't the foxtrot.
No boy's making no move on my Sam.
- No way, no how, never.
Never.
- Oh, Tony, come on.
Bobby is such a sweet boy.
Bobby? Bobby "toss me an easy one" Michelson? - Yeah.
- You're kidding me? - No.
- That's great.
That's terrific.
- Sam can go out with him anytime.
- Did I miss something here? Of course not.
I know that kid.
He's not making no move.
At least not untiI his wedding night, and even then, he's gonna whiff.
Boy, that's a really nice bathroom you got.
We like it.
The thing is, is the other guys well, not all the other guys, but the really " happening" guys see, they're asking girls to this dance and my mom says I have to go anyway, so- Hey, Bobby! That's terrific! That's terrific.
You asked Sam to the dance.
- Dad, he didn't.
- Oh, he didn't.
- She is right, Coach, but I almost did.
- Yes, I'd love to, Bobby.
Sam, wait a minute.
Would you wait till the pitch is over the plate? You gonna pitch or what? Come on.
Sam, about the dance on Friday night, Herbie Watts was going to ask you.
- He was? - Yeah.
We had to flip for you.
- I'm glad you won.
- I didn't, I lost.
I had to pay him $1.
50 just so I could ask you.
I'm glad he didn't want more because I'd have had to use my lunch money and I was hungry.
See, they were having Sloppy Joes- - Bobby, just ask me! - Would you like to go? - Yes! Wasn't that easy? You know, your wedding night might not turn out so bad after all.
- That must be Sam's date.
- Okay, okay.
Now, wait a minute.
Let me get ready.
Okay, okay.
Hey! Oh, Bobby! Oh, Bobby.
Take it easy, Bobby.
You stepped on your flowers - but they're good as new.
- Thank you, Mr.
Micelli.
" Mister"? " Mister?" What happened to " Coach"? Oh, I don't know.
Tonight seems kind of speciaI.
Well, if you're looking for a Lowenbrau, forget it.
Bobby, this is Jonathan, Jonathan, this is Bobby.
I'll tell Sam you're here.
So you're taking Sam out? - Yes.
- Why? - How old are you, kid? - Eight.
You would never understand.
What makes you think so? Because I'm 12, and I don't.
Hey, hey, hey, guys.
Well, Sam's not ready.
You know how women are.
You can't live with them, you can't live without them.
Sit down over there.
Samantha, I thought maybe you might like to wear this pin.
My mother bought this for me when I was just about your age.
Oh, an antique.
Well, I guess it is getting there.
I wore it on my first date.
I let Angela wear it on her first date.
If this pin could talk.
If it could, would I be giving it to a little girI? Okay, you all set? - No.
- Why? - What's the matter? - What are we gonna talk about? Well, what do you usually talk with him about? Dad usually does the talking.
I mean, it seems like Dad's always there.
Well, he won't be there tonight.
You're on your own, kiddo.
That's right.
I'm on my own.
Finally, I get to be alone with a man.
Would you like a candy mint? It's also a breath mint.
Bobby, would you relax? Everything's gonna be fine.
But what are Sam and I gonna be talking about? These things are kind of hard to plan in advance.
I didn't think I was gonna have anything to say on my first date with Jo Ann Banjabani.
But then I closed the car door on her leg, and it loosened her up.
She had plenty to say all the way to the emergency room.
Bobby, here's your flowers.
Here.
Here, Bobby.
Hi, Sam.
Samantha.
You look terrific.
- I wouldn't have even known it was you.
- Thanks.
Hey, all right.
Hold on.
That's good.
That's good.
Dad, what are you doing? Just one more of you coming down the stairs.
That's good.
I guess you're off.
I just need one more picture of Bobby and Samantha.
Stay there.
- Smile.
That's good.
- Okay, okay.
That's enough pictures.
I just need one more of Sam saying goodbye to Grover.
I wanna be in on that one.
Go ahead, go ahead.
- Smile.
Grove.
All right, that's a good- - Tony.
Tony.
- I think they want to go to the dance.
- Yeah, I know.
I just need one picture of Fred and Ginger.
Hey.
Fred and Ginger.
Nice smiles, now.
Don't fooI around.
Give me nice smiles.
I said a nice smile, Bobby.
- That's good.
That's great.
- No more pictures, right? Right, no more pictures.
Give me nice smiles.
I said a nice smile, Bobby.
That's good.
That's great.
Thanks for the ride, Dad.
Hey, you know, dances at the schooI gym, huh? That wonderfuI aroma of gardenias and sweat socks.
- Well, thanks again, Dad.
- Yeah, so long, Coach.
- We'll call you.
- No, you won't.
- What do you mean? - You're gonna love this.
You really are.
I got a surprise for you.
- I volunteered to be a chaperone.
- A chaperone? I'll be here all night.
Isn't it great? Hey, kid, would you take our picture? This is gonna be wonderfuI.
- I'm sorry about my father and stuff.
- That's okay.
I've got a couple of parents of my own.
Hey, come on.
Cheer up.
As long as we're here, we might as well dance.
Come on, it's time to get down.
- You're a pretty good dancer, Bobby.
- Thanks.
- This isn't as bad as I thought.
- Thanks.
If I had to come anyway, I might as well come with someone who wasn't you know, like, a reaI slime-bucket.
That's why I like you.
You're so sensitive.
Thanks.
- They're cute, aren't they? - Oh, they certainly are.
I guess this Old Lady Scranton didn't have such a bad idea after all.
- Who? - Old Lady Scranton.
A sixth-grade teacher.
My daughter's in her class.
- Oh, Samantha.
- You know her? She's in my class.
- You're - Old Lady Scranton.
But you can call me Lois.
I'm " Big Mouth" Micelli, but you can call me Tony.
About that "Old Lady" stuff, Sam really does like you.
I find that nicknames are the highest form of flattery.
Take Mean Joe Green Maybe that's not a good example.
No, that's a fine example.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, guys.
Guys, why don't you leave some for somebody else? Would you like some punch, Mr.
Micelli? Hey, you can call me Tony.
Sure, thanks.
So you're a teacher? - I'm a teacher.
- You're a teacher? When I was a kid, you had to be old and cranky and it didn't hurt if you had a moustache.
Well, you see, times are tough.
They had to lower the requirements.
So no wonder Johnny can't read.
Would you like to try a slow dance? Oh, no! Okay, I just thought I'd ask.
Not that.
Look.
My father's talking to Old Lady Scranton.
I'm gonna die.
That's okay.
They're way in the back.
Nobody will notice them.
Now they're dancing? Oh, that's it.
I'm dead.
You're looking at a corpse.
- Come on, Bobby.
- Wait.
I'm supposed to lead.
Well, lead me over there.
I always wanted to be a teacher.
I love kids.
Yeah? Well, I'm a big kid myself.
- Do you have any children? - No, I'm not married.
Oh, no? Well, do you dip? - Hello, Miss Scranton.
- Hi, there.
- Hi, guys.
- Dad, could I speak with you? Sure, talk.
- It's kind of personaI.
- Oh.
- Do you mind if I dance with Sam? - Go ahead.
Excuse me, sir, may I cut in? - What? - Change partners.
- Would you like to dance? - Why, thank you, Bobby.
Don't mention it.
Please don't mention it.
- Miss Scranton's a pretty nice lady.
- She's not a lady, she's my teacher.
Oh.
You want me to you want me to cooI it with the dancing? Yeah, Dad.
Have you tried the punch, or the cookies, or sitting in the car? You want me to keep a- I'll keep, I promise, a low profile.
I know that it's hard to believe, but the dog really did eat my book report.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
This way.
This way.
We got a little problem here.
Oh, let me guess.
We're embarrassing the kids.
Is there some place we could fade into the scenery and talk? Backstage.
- They're having such a good time.
- Oh, really? At first, I was worried about Sam adjusting and fitting in.
The schools in New York are different from the ones here.
Here, the desks aren't even bolted to the floor.
You know, you really are something.
You moved out here just so your child would have a better place to grow up.
Well, that's the kind of guy I am.
Would you like to dance? Sure.
You're a very good father.
You're a very good teacher.
This is the best parent-teacher conference I've ever had.
Me too.
Hooray for me.
I won again! I don't wanna play anymore.
You have to learn how to lose.
I already know how to lose.
I have to learn how to win! Well, do you want us to just let you win? Okay.
- The debutante is home.
- Well, how was your first date? I'm entering the convent.
I don't think it went well.
- Samantha, I said I was sorry.
- What happened? What happened? I am the laughingstock of the sixth grade.
Oh, come on.
Why, because I kissed your teacher a little? You did what? Tony kissed Old Lady Scranton? That's funny.
But not very.
It wasn't just the kissing.
It was everything else.
Everything else? Tony, you sound like my kind of chaperone.
Hardy-har-har.
What, the dancing? - Dad, just forget it.
- No.
I want to know.
Tell me.
Okay.
It was the kissing and it was the dancing and it was the taking pictures.
Every time I turn around, you're there.
- Come on.
I'm just- - Why did you have to come? Hey, hey.
Samantha.
Dad, leave me alone.
- Jonathan - I know.
Bedtime, right? Right.
Don't worry, Tony.
I'll still like you.
Thanks, kiddo.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I don't believe it.
Sam just told me to get lost.
Oh, well, she didn't say, "Get lost.
" It felt like "get lost.
" I knew I shouldn't have let her go on that date.
Well, maybe that's the problem, Tony.
Maybe you didn't let her go.
What do you mean? It seemed like you were hovering over her every step.
It's wrong for me to wanna be with my daughter? No, but is it wrong for her to want to be on her own? Tony, you have to start letting her go.
I know it's gonna be hard.
Mother and I had the same problem.
What? Are you kidding me? Give me a break.
I couldn't wait to cut you loose from my apron strings.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Mother, what are you talking about? Whenever I went out with my friends, you were there.
The beach, the movies.
You even stayed up with us at slumber parties.
Well, somebody had to lead the seances.
I was one of the gang.
All the girls loved it.
No, Mother, not all the girls.
Now it comes out.
Finally, huh? After all of these years.
Sally Watson never liked me.
No.
Mother, Sally Watson loved you.
And well she should.
I put her in touch with the spirit of James Dean.
That's not what I'm saying.
I know what you're saying.
Get out of here.
Tony, now, listen.
You've got to back off, and you have to cut Sam some slack.
Now, if you don't, one of these days, she's going to turn on you.
Just like this.
Sam, honey, it's me.
I guessed.
You guessed.
Hey, I got these two tickets to the County Fair on Saturday.
- Dad.
- Maybe you wanna take Marci or Bobby or anybody but me, because I'm busy.
Thanks, Dad.
Honey I know- I know tonight was your night.
Yeah, kind of.
- Yeah, and I stomped all over it.
- Well, a little.
I think it's great that you're the coach of my baseball team.
Yeah.
- And my soccer team.
- Yeah.
And my basketball team.
You're just like one of the gang.
Oh, boy.
You're sick of my face, huh? No.
I like having you around most of the time.
It's just a lot of the time, you're around too much of the time.
I got it.
Hey I can't help it if I'm so overprotective.
What can I say? I'm sorry.
I'm Italian.
And I'm sorry I yelled at you.
But what can I say? I'm Italian too.
All right, hey, look you want me to give up the soccer team? Gone.
Nah.
I want you to give up Old Lady Scranton.
How about baseball? How about Old Lady Scranton? Well, see, Sam, here's the thing.
I really- She's- - I kind of like her.
- Okay.
Hey, she won't be my teacher after June, right? Boy, you're starting to think like a grown-up.
But Dad, untiI I get out of the sixth grade maybe you two could kind of sneak around? Now you're really starting to think like a grown-up.
Mother, I didn't believe in seances in high schooI and I don't believe in them now.
Oh, Angela, can the gab and park your buns.
Angela, not everything in this universe is explainable.
Look at Boy George.
Oh, all right.
All right.
If I'm going to do this, I wanna contact somebody I've always admired.
What about Ghandi? What about Elvis? How about Uncle Vinnie? He died owing me 20 bucks.
He'd do anything to get out of paying.
- Okay.
Good.
- You'll love this guy.
Close your eyes and concentrate.
Angela, close your eyes.
Ready? Uncle Vinnie if you're out there, give us a sign.
Oh, okay, Mother.
This is a joke, I'm not buying it, okay? All right.
Good night, Uncle Vinnie.
Nice to meet you.
Goodbye, good luck.
- Come out, Jonathan.
That was great.
- Come out.
Hey, hey are you guys ready to do a trick on Mommy?