Alfred Hitchcock Presents s01e19 Episode Script

Good evening.
I hope you don't mind but I have to eat on the job tonight.
We're terribly rushed.
But no matter how busy I think the least one can do is to dress properly.
Tonight's supper show is called "The Derelicts.
" And there isn't much to tell you about it.
Naturally, we shall populate our stage with a few delinquents.
Rabbit.
I could have pulled that out of the hat.
I'll get it, darling.
Thank you.
Who was it? Delivery boy.
What did he bring? This.
Ralph, did you ever see anything so sleek? Good heavens, Herta, that must have cost $1,000.
Seventeen hundred and sixty-five.
Seventeen hundred and- Plus tax.
State, federal, luxury and sales.
Have you gone out of your mind? I've told you before.
You're spending money faster than I can make it.
Then make more.
Sell more gadgets or raise the price or something.
But I'm squeezing every dime out of it now.
You certainly seemed to have plenty to spend when I met you.
Now all of a sudden, we have to economize.
Look, honey.
You know you can have anything you need.
But you got a stole just a couple of months ago.
If you think that I would set foot in the 300 Club in those ratty old foxes- All right, then, we won't go.
We'll stay home.
Call the Gravenhursts and tell them we can't make it.
Look, Ralph, I can make it, but if you're going to be such an old grouch you'd better stay home.
Now look - Ralph, I warned you I was expensive.
If you can't afford me on your income, do something about it.
Honey, don't talk like that.
Don't I buy you everything you want? Why sure, Ralph.
You just bought me a black mist stole.
Hello? Ralph.
Hello, Mr.
Sloane.
You haven't forgotten what day this is, have you, Ralph, my boy? Just a year since we formed our partnership.
Why, of course not, sir.
Then we'll meet as we arranged in the same spot.
In an hour, say? Yes, sir.
And, Ralph, don't forget to bring your checkbook.
I was a stranger on a park bench and you a door-to-door salesman who couldn't open any doors.
After all, I invented a new kind of dispenser.
An excellent gadget, my boy.
I see it in all the stores.
They tell me it outsells the next leading dispenser 3-to-1.
I've worked very hard at it this year.
I know you have.
And look at the results.
That's why I asked you to bring your checkbook along.
Let's take a walk, my boy.
The IOU you gave me I brought that along.
Yes, sir.
"I owe you $10,000 and 50% of the profits.
" I'm going to let you buy it back, my boy.
I got you started but you've done a fine job.
And now you deserve to be on your own.
Perhaps next year, Mr.
Sloane.
Why not now? Your share of the profits will more than take care of it.
Next year.
In that case just give me a check for my share of the profits and we'll talk about it then.
Well, Ralph? I'm sorry, Mr.
Sloane, but you'll just have to wait for your check.
I don't have the money.
I don't understand.
Sales have been booming.
Yes, but I've been carrying a lot of expense.
Business entertainment.
Meeting the right people, things like that.
Is it all business? You're sure you're not living too high? I wouldn't be if I had a bigger share of the profits.
After all, I invented the dispenser.
I do all the work.
I'm entitled to more.
You didn't talk this way when I lent you the money to get started.
I was so lightheaded that day, I'd have given you 90%.
I wouldn't have taken it.
and it's fair now.
I may be eccentric in the way I do business, but to me a deal is a deal.
Here is your IOU.
If you won't pay me my share of the profits then I'll have to turn it over to my lawyer.
But I've spent the money, all of it.
Then I'm sorry.
Good night, Ralph.
Mr.
Sloane.
Yes, my boy? Have you told your lawyer about our agreement? I've told no one.
It was a private transaction from the start.
And I had hoped it would always be that way.
Good night.
Good night.
"I promise to pay Alfred Sloane "$10,000 and 50% of all profits.
" Thanks.
"The body of Alfred Sloane, wealthy eccentric was "discovered last night in Washington Park.
"He had been strangled and robbed.
"The police are proceeding on the theory that "Sloane was the victim of a gang of hoodlums.
" Cab, sir? Spark Apartments.
Who the devil are you? I'm Peter J.
Goodfellow.
I wonder if I have one of my cards with me.
Where did you get that cigarette case? It was bequeathed to me by an elderly gentleman I met in the park.
Poor chap, he was foully done in only last night.
I witnessed the shocking affair myself.
Did you see the man who did it? Yes, as clearly as I can see you now.
I wonder what I should do about the IOU I found in this case? It was signed by someone named Ralph Cowell.
You won't find it there.
I had the foresight to remove it.
Mr.
Cowell.
Very valuable, that IOU.
So it's blackmail, is it? Come, must we use that word? I was reduced to my deplorable state through my own follies.
Wine, women, and song.
I have no voice.
But should the occasion warrant it I shall sing like a canary.
How much do you want? Why, I'm sure we can reach an amicable settlement.
Shall we meet at your apartment, at, say, 9:00 this evening? No, not my place.
Yes, at your place.
I would prefer it.
Thank you.
Driver? Darling, aren't you ready? What? For heaven's sake, Ralph.
You know very well we're due at the Fairlies' for the weekend.
I'm sorry, I can't make it.
I have a business appointment.
At this hour? Look, if I'm going to pay all your charge accounts I've got to work day and night.
Poor baby, you have been working too hard.
But you do want me to look beautiful for you, don't you? Should I call the Fairlies and tell them we can't make it? Don't do that.
I'll tell you what.
You take the car and drive on out.
I'll get a train later on.
All right, darling.
Make it as soon as you can.
Just as soon as I finish here.
All right.
My dear chap.
A pleasant good evening to you.
What's the idea? I thought we agreed on 9:00.
I observed the lady of the house leaving.
I saw no reason to wait.
Who is this? Let me present my old friend and colleague, Mr.
Fenton Shanks.
Pleased to meet you.
Goodfellow has been touting you up as a winner.
Nice place you got here.
Fenton is my financial adviser.
As a devotee of the sport of kings he's amazingly adept at calculating the odds.
My system has produced Unfortunately, they've all been paper bets if you know what I mean.
Most thoughtful of you, my boy.
Just what I needed.
Your very good health.
Fenton's a teetotaler, I'm afraid.
He rather disapproves of my weakness.
Not at all, Goodfellow.
I'm not without vices of my own.
That's true of all three of us.
With me, it's this.
With Fenton, the gambling fever.
And with you, Mr.
Cowell Never mind that.
Let's get on with it.
How much do you want for the IOU? Well, now, let me see.
Say $1,000.
How does that sound to you? Has a nice ring to it.
So be it.
$1,000 a month.
Are you crazy? I don't have that kind of money.
Come, you have a lucrative business.
And no partner to split the profits with.
But $1,000 a month.
Why, that's impossible.
Think of the alternative, Mr.
Cowell.
Murder is frowned upon in present society.
Only how do we make sure of regular payments? Our pigeon could just fly away and forget to leave a forwarding address.
My dear boy, you have put your finger on the loophole.
How do you suggest we plug it? May I call your attention to the excellent guest room.
You mean take up residence here.
A capital suggestion.
You can't do that.
How about my wife? I'll pay you $1,000 every month.
When do we move in? I take it we've already done so.
Unless you got some packing to do? Not me.
Mr.
Cowell will supply us with anything we want.
But don't put yourself out, my dear chap.
Simply look upon us as members of the family.
My dear.
Well.
Now you must be cousin Herta.
Who are you? Cousin Peter.
And this is cousin Fenton.
Pleased to meet you, cousin Hertie.
Bounced your husband on my knee when he was a little punk.
Ralph's never told me anything about cousins.
An oversight, no doubt.
What's going on here? Where's Ralph? The poor chap's resting.
He's feeling a little under the weather, I believe.
A rare wench, to say the least.
I got a hunch she's trouble.
Aren't they all? The only reason I never mentioned them is because we just don't talk about that side of the family.
I can see why.
Look, we all have relatives we're not proud of.
Maybe, but you don't have to invite them into my home.
It's my home.
And they're going to stay right here until I find a way to get rid of them.
It's very easy.
Just walk in there and throw them out.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Yes, I do.
It seems that your family is more important to you than I am.
Darling, you know that isn't true.
Look for my sake, please try to put up with them.
I promise you, they'll be gone within a week.
All right, Ralph.
But remember, one week.
Okay.
One week.
Listen, you, you've been freeloading around here for 9 days.
Why don't you blow? "'Freeloading.
" "Blow.
" How uncouth.
Yeah.
I can be a lot more uncouth.
I'm fed up right to here with you.
Have a noggin of this.
It will calm your nerves.
I don't want anything.
Come.
"A Jug of Wine A Loaf of Bread - and Thou" May I have this dance? I would rather dance with an ape.
Very well, if that's you're attitude, I think I'll take a siesta.
I have a rendezvous this evening with a young widow of my acquaintance.
She maybe less pleasing to the eye but she's certainly more soothing to the ear.
Herta? Ralphie? Sorry to trouble you, pal but I find myself temporarily out of funds.
What, again? What's wrong with that system? You haven't had a winner for three weeks.
Nothing.
The nags just ain't been following it.
Yeah, that's tough.
You've had all you're going to get from me.
A cigarette, Ralphie? What are you doing with that case? A little knickknack Goodfellow gave me.
Now, about that loan.
I'm in hock to my bookie for about- Ralph? Ralph, my furs.
They're gone.
My mink stole.
Everything's stolen.
You took them.
The skins? Yeah.
I had to pawn them yesterday.
Or was it the day before? No, that was the day I sold the silverware.
But, don't worry, Ralphie.
Here are the tickets.
You can bail them out some day.
Why don't you sell the furniture, too? That's all that's left.
You ruined my business.
Cleaned out my bank account.
Taken every cent I've got.
What more do you want? Don't get excited, Ralphie.
I'll just have to pawn something else.
That's all.
What are you doing? What does it look like? I've got news for you, I've had it.
Honey, please- You've been telling me for a month that you'd get rid of them and nothing happens.
What have they got on you? Enough to hang me.
Herta, I killed a man.
You did what? I must have been out of my mind.
We needed money.
He was a silent partner.
I figured that if I got rid of him, I Everything would be mine.
So I killed him.
Goodfellow saw me do it.
I can't believe it.
You actually killed somebody? I never thought you had it in you.
Neither did I, but I was desperate.
You're desperate now, Ralph.
And Goodfellow is in our guest room.
It would be self-defense.
He attacked you.
I couldn't do that.
Not a second time.
He's asleep.
It would be so simple.
"Methinks I hear a voice cry "'Sleep no more "Macbeth does murder sleep"' A classic parallel, don't you think? Going out, old boy? Yes.
You mind? Not at all.
Delighted.
Poor boy, you know.
He really is a bit under the weather.
Now I see why.
You're leaving him.
He's broke.
Thanks to you and your friend, he hasn't got a dime.
I'm not entirely without resources, my dear.
Does that mean money? The equivalent of ten "G's.
" You know, I think I'll change my mind and have that drink, after all.
Splendid.
And how about a little dinner later? I have an excellent recipe for a dish named mulligan.
Can we eat it with our fingers? Your friend sold all the silverware.
Poor Fenton, he's had a bad run lately.
Try this.
I warn you, it's very potent.
It really shouldn't be drunk on an empty stomach.
We'll have dinner later.
I'm not keeping you from your widow, am I? Well, on second thoughts I think the little woman is becoming a bit of a bore.
Well, let's drink to that, cousin Peter.
May I suggest a more comfortable place to sit? Why not? Yes.
You know, I don't really believe you have $10,000.
Come, do you doubt me? No, not really.
It's that horseplayer I'm thinking of.
Well, it's your husband that worries me.
He prowls around my room at night Iike a common burglar.
Surely you don't keep it there? Ralph's bound to find it.
Not a chance.
He lacks imagination.
One can hide an old envelope in a diversity of places.
An old envelope? But poor Ralph is so systematic.
Last night he searched the bureau.
So tonight he won't even think of looking there.
It's the weakness of the orderly mind.
Well, happy days.
To you, my dear.
$10,000.
What on earth are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? It's the IOU.
What? I told you I'd find it sooner or later.
Where's Herta? She's gone but she'll be back.
But you won't.
Come on.
You're leaving, right now.
All right, there's no need to use violence.
What's going on here? Fenton, the jig is up.
It was great while it lasted.
Get out.
No hard feelings, old man.
One last pawn ticket for your collection.
Here, boy.
I've only one regret, that I was demolished by a woman.
Fenton, unless you have other plans I suggest Florida again this year.
Delightful weather for riding the rafts.
Welcome home, darling.
Don't ever let me leave again.
I know just how to keep you.
That's for you, I think.
Go on.
Thank you.
Who was it? Delivery boy.
But I didn't order anything.
Well, if you like it, maybe we'll keep it.
Oh, Ralph! It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.
Business is going to be better than ever, so I've declared a dividend.
Mr.
Cowell? Yes.
What is it? Your door was open.
Detective Sergeant Monroney.
We're checking on some furs and silverware that were pawned in your name a couple of weeks ago, I believe.
We wanted to be quite certain that you actually pawned them yourself.
Why not? Just checking, Mr.
Cowell.
Are these your signatures? Yes.
And you pawned them yourself? Of course.
There's nothing illegal about pawning one's own things, is there? No, if they are your things.
Of course they are.
Ralph buys me all my furs.
I'm not talking about the furs or the silverware.
But this ticket, signed by you was for a cigarette case that belonged to Alfred Sloane.
It was stolen from him at the time of his murder.
I think you'd better come to the station and explain how you happened to pawn it.
Come along, Mr.
Cowell.
As you might expect before Mr.
Goodfellow and Mr.
Shanks had reached the street they had walked into the inviting arms of two luscious young ladies.
And the current was especially to Goodfellow's liking.
But since the ladies were policewomen his enjoyment was, at best, momentary.