American Housewife (2016) s01e19 Episode Script

1 Ooh! You look just like Kate Middleton.
I realize that.
But I'm still not wearing this dumb hat, because I'm not going to the stupid polo match.
This is my charity event for the community, and you are part of that community, and you are going.
Mnh-mnh.
I'm not part of the community.
I just happen to live in the community.
What's the charity, Doris? I don't know.
Horses? Orphans? AIDS? God, I hope it's not for something boring, like the environment.
- We should go, honey.
It'd be fun.
- Greg, please.
Don't make me leave you.
I'm too unmotivated to get a revenge body.
Doris, I just don't like fancy events.
It's not who I am.
I like to be comfortable.
So while you're out playing horsies, I'll be at home, covered in a blanket.
And yes probably popcorn.
[Scoffs.]
Oliver's going.
Doris offered to let me cut the ceremonial ribbon at the polo match.
Why?! You hate him.
I do.
So much.
But I did it to punish my kids.
They've cracked so many smartphones.
Stop saying it wasn't your fault! It was! So I took away the ribbon-cutting honor and gave it to Oliver.
I'll get my picture in the "About Town" section of the Westport Observer.
Anybody who's anybody is in there.
How does this look? I ate some street food in Manhattan when I was pregnant with him.
I wonder if one of those meat worms made its way into his brain.
You're going to that polo match.
Katie: If I put on this hat and go to this thing, I become everything I can't stand about this town.
Suddenly, I'm one of those people who say they're stuffed after eating salad.
God, I hate Hey! What's going on in there?! I'm not going, and you can't make me.
Hey, Anna-Kat.
You want to lead a horsie out at a pony event? Yes! Got you now.
Wow! Blindsided by my best friend.
Now I know how Roy felt when the tiger ate him.
I'll wear this purple tie, give Oliver the suspenders, we'll put the girls in purple dresses, and we'll figure something out for you so we all match.
Where the hell did you get a purple bow tie? When I was alternate number 3 in my Duke a cappella group.
- [Hums.]
- Don't.
You know I can't control my face when I listen to you sing.
[Cellphone bloops.]
[Laughs.]
Are you watching that video of me dancing again? You gave me two margaritas and put on Whitney Houston.
- It was basically entrapment.
- No! I am trying to convince Billy to come to the polo match.
I don't want your old college roommate here.
He's like a man mixed with an infant.
He's a "minfant.
" Don't judge Billy.
Remember, if he hadn't taken me in when I got kicked off campus for a minor infraction - You were streaking.
- No.
I was sitting naked in the fountain, drinking sangria.
"Streaking" implies running.
You're right.
I feel silly.
And if Billy hadn't rented me a room, I might have dropped out, moved home, never signed up for your class, never met you, and our children would've never been born.
So by you hating Billy, you hate our children.
Kids! Your dad hates you! - Taylor: What?! - Nothing! Billy is my connection to who I was.
And if I have to go to that stupid polo match and be around those people that I don't like, I need him there to lean on.
He's loud, crass, and need I remind you what he did at our wedding? Cake dive! [People gasp.]
He ruined our wedding.
- [Cellphone bloops.]
- [Gasps.]
Billy's in.
Well, we have no room for him here.
He'll park his food truck in the driveway and stay in that.
Great.
Why don't we just pull the couch onto the front lawn to complete the white-trash tableau.
Just for that, I'm gonna watch that video of you dancing.
I can't believe Billy's coming to visit.
You should be excited to see him.
He's your godfather.
All he does is terrorize me.
We've been in a seven-year prank war, and he's the only one doing the pranks.
I will never be happier than the day I saw you with shaved eyebrows.
- [Car horn plays "La Cucaracha".]
- He's here! Out of my way! How come you're never that excited to see me? Too many reasons to name right now! Come on, Greg! Billy! Hey! [Bleep.]
Breath! Lovely.
[Both laugh.]
How you doing, chief? Chief is well.
Thank you.
- And it's "Greg.
" - Ah.
Okay.
He never remembers my name.
So? He calls me [Bleep.]
Breath.
What are you upset about? Say hello to your godfather.
[As Don Corleone.]
Oliver, someday I'm gonna come to you for a favor.
Gooba, gooba, goo.
[Laughs.]
Okay, yeah.
I think this joke has run its course.
You remember Taylor and Anna-Kat.
Billy: Yeah.
Taylor, it's been a long time.
And I know that you like to keep your hands clean, so I got you a box of plastic gloves.
Ooh! The lunch lady wears these.
Oh, thank God you're here to save me.
They're trying to turn me into a fancy-hat person.
Oh, don't worry about that.
Billy's got ya.
The only thing going on your head is this.
[Both laugh.]
[Coughs.]
Sir, could you please turn off your truck? Could you please go screw yourself? [Laughs.]
You are just what I needed.
Sorry, Ron.
You're under no obligation to go screw yourself.
[Engine shuts off.]
In college, Billy would make us breakfast every Sunday morning.
[Laughs.]
How high were we? [Chuckles.]
We were on the seventh floor, so pretty high.
Terrible save.
- Now - [Pan clatters.]
this is my chicken neck scramble.
My hook is, I barbecue the chicken necks.
You know, most people throw them away.
When was the last time your truck passed a health inspection test? Well, technically, it's an old blood-donation truck, so I skate by inspection-free.
Okay, people, pass your food to the front.
Ah-ah! Gotcha! [Billy and Katie laugh.]
He put shaving cream in my backpack! [Laughter.]
Mom! Oliver, grow a pair.
He's been pulling pranks on me since I was in kindergarten.
Actually, it started when you were an infant.
It did? He drew a tiny mustache on you with a Sharpie.
You looked just like a fat, bald Hitler.
What do you say this time, we get him back? Evil Dad.
Now, this is my kind of father/son bonding.
Bye, Taylor.
Bye, Anna-Kat.
Katie! [Singsong voice.]
Hi! [Singsong voice.]
Hi! Did you get my e-mail? Which one of the 40 are you talking about? We finally got the cafeteria to change Taco Tuesday to Tofu Tuesday! - Isn't that great?! - Amazing! I know! [Laughs.]
Buh-bye! Bye! What the hell was that? It was like listening to two dolphins banging.
Oh, it's terrible.
I don't even notice I do it anymore.
Tara: Hey! Who's this number 4 combo? One neck, two breasts, and an ass full of Tabasco.
Oh, that's Tara.
She's the worst of the bunch.
She's Taylor's boyfriend's mom.
Tara, this is my friend Billy.
You see this? A-minus! Eyo has never gotten below an "A" in his life.
It's your daughter's fault.
She's a distraction, and I won't have it.
[Chuckles.]
This is the kind of nonsense I deal with every day.
I mean, how do you not stick your head in a deep fryer? I don't have a deep fryer.
That is the most honest answer I could give you.
Listen to me.
Eyo is going to medical school, - [Taylor laughs.]
- and your girl's not going to get in his way.
Stop talking to her! [School bell rings.]
Remember, you're going to be an anesthesiologist! Have you seen enough? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Want to go to second breakfast with me? It'll be my third, but sure.
So, this is your favorite spot in town, huh? Yeah.
What do you think? Twel Twelve dollars? For eggs? I can get you a neck-and-onion scramble for $2.
99.
Well, everything's pesticide-free, so Oh.
Yeah, yeah, it's really - clean.
- Mm.
Oh, look at that.
There's not even any gum under the table.
Mnh-mnh.
And there is now.
Billy.
Hey, when did you become so hoity-toity? Well, my back's kind of up against the wall.
In Westport, there's not many choices.
Hm.
You want to get out of here and go have breakfast the way we used to? Hell yeah.
[Fan whirring.]
Nothing better than gas-station grub, huh? Onion rings dipped in nacho cheese spelled with a "Z" nothing makes me happier.
So, what are we gonna do at this polo match? Let the horses out and then be like, "I don't know how they got out"? [Laughing.]
We can't do that.
I still gotta live here, Billy.
Can't drink a tall boy right now.
Why not? Just put them back in the bag.
We'll drink them later.
Oh, are you worried that someone's gonna see you getting drunk at a gas station at 9:30 in the morning? Yeah.
That covers all the bases.
What are you looking at? [Scoffs.]
You've changed.
You're crazy! Oh, come on! You're eating in fancy restaurants, taking me to a polo match, letting a tall boy go flat.
Same girl I ever was.
Okay.
I am! Prove it.
Steal that.
That stupid thing? You see? Old Katie wouldn't think twice.
What happened to the girl who made jello shots out of toilet water and took out an entire sorority? Oh, that was the best! Yeah, where's that girl? She's right here.
[Fan whirring.]
What kind of lesson is this for the kids?! [Whirring stops.]
Billy dared me.
[Sighs.]
I do not like these friends of hers.
You're gonna take this back, and you're going to apologize.
Fine.
But I can't apologize.
I don't even know what this thing is called.
What am I supposed to say? "Sorry I stole your" [Thumping.]
I'm practicing leading the pony onto the field.
But before you say anything, I realize this is make-believe.
You look amazing, baby.
You know this could work.
Now we all match.
No.
Mnh-mnh.
Come on, Mama.
Please! Okay.
I've got to learn to love you less.
[Door opens.]
[Door closes.]
Don't worry about me, Westport.
Wear whatever you want.
Hey, don't call me Westport.
Pbht! I bet you even started wearing underwear.
Ew! Mom! Mine.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
And with tartar control.
[Both chuckle evilly.]
Look, Katie [Muffled.]
I'll go with ya.
but I'm not wearing a hat.
And I'm 50/50 on wearing a shirt.
Oliver: He didn't even notice! The doughnut was filled with half a tube of toothpaste.
A goat would've spit it out.
So, what do we try next? That's all I got.
Dad.
Think about it.
What did people do to you when you were a kid? You're not gonna believe this, but I was actually pretty cool when I was a kid.
Just so I have a point of reference, are you cool now? I started listening to Ryan Seacrest on the way to work.
Okay.
That gives me all the information I need.
I'm gonna wear these Kelly-green pants to the polo match.
I'm just gonna do it! I'm not gonna do it.
I'm gonna look like an idiot.
Let me know how it goes, because I'm staying home.
Why? I'm just not up for pretending to be one of those people.
It's not me.
And if I go, it's like I'm giving in.
But it's Doris' charity.
She still isn't even sure what the charity is for or what charity is.
The whole family is going.
You're part of the family, so you're going.
Fine.
[Sighs.]
What is with you? Have I changed? What are you talking about? Am I a different person than who I used to be? Of course.
You've grown up.
You got kids and a house.
No.
I mean have I changed since we moved to Westport? You really need to stop worrying what a guy who lives inside a chicken truck thinks of you.
You've changed in appropriate and healthy ways.
Come on.
Let's get ready for bed.
I'm appropriate? And healthy? Just add the word "polite," and I become everything I can't stand.
I am not letting go of the old Katie.
And the first thing is, I'm done talking in my head.
I am not changing! Hey, you want to sleep in your clothes, knock yourself out.
[Indistinct conversations.]
I'm gonna take Anna-Kat and sign in.
Okay, Champ.
Catch you later.
- You know my name is Greg.
- You got it, Ace.
Rum and coke? - Tequila.
- There she is! Yeaaaaah! Hey, Mrs.
Otto.
I like your hat.
Eyo.
I don't like your hat? Eyo! Mrs.
Otto, I recognize the existence of your hat, but I have no opinion on it.
Thank you, Eyo.
[Laughs.]
- [Singsong voice.]
I made you be fancy! - Yeah.
I'm returning this dress tomorrow, as long as I don't pit out too badly.
[Chuckles.]
Oliver, here are the ceremonial scissors.
I know we have our differences and you're only doing this to punish your kids but thanks.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find some people who matter.
I should do that, too.
No offense, Katie.
Sure.
- [Singsong voice.]
Hi, Katie! - [Singsong voice.]
Hi, Suzanne! You look amazing! - Uh-huh.
But? - But nothing.
I would kill to have that skin.
Oh.
It's because I don't run.
[Laughs.]
You're hysterical.
[Laughs.]
I'm gonna come back and grab you in a few.
We're taking a group picture.
Mm.
You want me to take it for you? No, we want you in it with us! Oh! - Sure.
- Yeah.
We'll all hang out and drink Tom Collinses.
They're back.
[Chuckles.]
I didn't know they were gone.
But I'm in.
Oh! [Chuckles.]
Oh.
Look who got invited to sit with the cool girls at school.
I can't stop them from being nice to me.
Yeah.
Doris, this is my old friend Billy.
I'm so glad you came.
[Hushed.]
He's not wearing a jacket, a tie, or closed-toe shoes.
This is a closed-toe event.
Hey, you ever, um thought of adding a betting element to this thing? I mean, you got all the ingredients horses, booze idiots with money.
[Chuckles.]
Billy, this is Doris' event.
- Be nice.
- Oh.
Okay.
For your information, this is the premier event for the charity it supports.
You still don't know what it's called.
Yes, I do.
Big Hands, Small Hearts.
So it's gonna help people born with big hands and/or small hearts.
Hm.
Angela, this is my friend Billy.
- Hi! [Chuckles.]
- Oh.
- Oh! - Mwah! I've heard so much about you.
I could turn her if I wanted to.
[Laughs.]
No way in hell.
Oh.
I'm just not in the mood.
Okay.
Doris, there isn't a suitable vegan option.
Oh, sure there is.
The vegan option is to go home and eat.
Oh! Okay.
Come on.
For an event that sponsors heart disease, you sure have a lot of bacon on that buffet! - Heart disease? So that's it.
- Yeah.
- Where do the huge hands come in? - I don't know.
[Chuckles.]
- Tara.
- Hm? Looks like you and I will be spending a lot more Christmases together.
Do not kiss her! I saw her eating cheese! [Singsong voice.]
Hi! Can we steal Katie for a sec? No.
[Singsong voice.]
Byeeee! I can't tell if you're mad or confused 'cause of your frozen forehead.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Suzanne, he's just a big goof.
I'll catch you later.
I saved you from that one.
You owe me big.
Mm.
So big.
[Laughter.]
- Say "Tom Collins"! - [Camera shutter clicks.]
[Over P.
A.
.]
Thank you, everyone, for attending and contributing to this important event.
A-And now Oliver Otto will cut the ceremonial ribbon.
Just to be clear, he is not my child.
Oliver, where are the giant scissors? They were just here a second ago.
They're enormous.
How did you lose them? We'll find them.
Doris, distract the crowd.
[Crowd murmuring.]
Uh, s-so, where's everybody from? Is that Cartier or Tiffany? [Giggling.]
Do you like your mint julep? I think your friend's high-pitched giggle tells us all we need to know.
Oh, God.
[Giggling continues.]
What did you do? What you brought me here to do mess with people.
Billy, why did you take the scissors? Oh! Okay.
I found them! Tara! You tried to sabotage my event because I didn't have a vegan option? I didn't take your stupid scissors! Then how the hell did they get in your purse? - I don't know! Ask her! - Billy, tell them what you did.
Oh, come on! Don't be like that.
You're ruining my friend's event.
Katie, that's an overreaction.
I mean, you know, people can still get in here.
The ribbon's only held up by tape.
That is not the point.
They have traditions here.
I want you to leave.
You are violating my personal space.
I need a 2-foot circle.
2-foot circle! [Chuckling.]
Oh, you got it now.
Oh, this is getting good.
- Slap her! - [Women gasp.]
That wasn't me! That's it, Tara.
- Angela, hold my diamond.
- Oh, I will squash you! I have taken many self-defense classes! Billy's right.
I brought him here to do just this mix it up.
But I did want to be in that picture with Suzanne and the other moms.
Huh.
Is it possible that I've [Indistinct shouting.]
Okay, hold on! Hold on! Tara didn't steal the scissors! Yeah.
My stupid friend Billy did.
[Crowd gasping.]
Apologize.
What are you doing? W-Why are you taking their side? I mean you're the one who's always bagging on them.
Because I'm allowed to.
Because these are my friends.
And they're growing on me.
And I'm stuck living near this.
I knew it.
You have changed.
You've become one of them.
Yeah.
I guess I have.
This is my community.
And if I'm going to live here, I want to be a part of it.
So yeah.
These are my people.
ish.
Sorry, Champ.
Oliver, cut the ribbon.
Where'd the scissors go now? - Boy: Run! - [Children giggling.]
You got to respect that.
Taylor I really like the boyfriend.
Sweetheart that was some of the best pony-leading I've ever seen.
Even though I let it go and it ran through the parking lot? Because you let it go and it ran through the parking lot.
Oliver, because I'm in a generous mood, you did get me with the toothpaste doughnut.
I threw up in the bathroom and had diarrhea for two days.
Well done.
I'm sorry that I'm not the Katie you were expecting.
Gah.
It'll take some getting used to, like when David Lee Roth left and Sammy Hagar replaced him.
The band was the same but different.
And, then again, maybe this is not like that at all.
[Sighs.]
[Clatter.]
- Bye, Rick.
- It's Greg! Congratulations on winning the prank war.
Couldn't have done it without you.
I'm glad we brought some dignity back to the Otto name.
Good job, son.
Good job, Dad.
[Chuckles.]
- [Whoosh.]
- Aaah! Come on! Dad! I'll get the giant scissors.
Hurry.