Arrested Development s01e19 Episode Script

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Arrested Development.
Michael was meeting Michael was meeting with the company's accountant, Ira Gilligan.
Anyway, I have gone over this and you're reporting income on an account that You know, it is just freezing in here.
Well, the thermostat is in my office.
While it's freezing in here, it's still hot in there.
So please continue.
There's basically no money where it should be.
I think I'm catching a cold.
- You're not catching a cold.
- I know my body.
- There's no money in the account? - I'm sorry.
- This is like the bayou in here.
- I tried to tell you that.
I guess I just had to find out for myself.
Anyway, this isn't the first discrepancy with your father's books.
With this court case coming up, I just have to warn you if they ask me to testify, I am not gonna lie.
- No one's asking you to lie.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're asking Gilligan not to lie? Please call me Ira.
I don't like Gilligan.
Who doesn't like Gilligan? Is it cold in here? So, listen.
You have been married two weeks now.
It seems to be sticking.
And let's pretend it's a good thing.
I guess this makes me your best man and I would like to throw you a bachelor party.
Yeah, I don't think she'd go for that.
Besides, I talked to Dad.
He said it was stupid to get married in the first place.
And he's right.
He's right.
I've gotta get rid of her.
You know, l I said two weeks ago that I thought it was a stupid idea.
Suddenly Dad says it and it's good advice? You know you don't have to do everything Dad says.
I don't do everything Dad says.
He just happens to be right about this.
You can help me get rid ofher though.
Mom's having a cocktail party.
She'll be there.
Maybe you can try to break us up.
- I can't do that.
- Why not? You did it with me and Marta.
You had no problem with that, guy.
You know what? Lie to her.
Tell her that I'm insensitive and unreliable.
Something about how you can never confront people.
You need someone to clean up your messes.
See, that's great.
And that's just off the top of your head.
Michael, Gob.
I was just in the neighborhood.
Good Lord.
It is sweltering in here.
As you may or may not know Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.
- Really? When did that start? - Well I don't want to blame it all on 9/11 but it certainly didn't help.
But anyway, I need your help.
If you could possibly Could we go back to your office, please? I just want to be a family again.
I guess what I'm saying is I want to reunite the band.
- Oh, no.
- "Oh, no"was right.
In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music group with Lindsay and Maeby called Dr.
Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution.
The group was underwritten by the Natural Life Food Company a division of Chem Grow, an Allyn-Crane acquisition, and part of the Squimm Group.
Their motto was simple.
"We keep you alive.
" Zanotab may cause dry mouth, hair loss an overly alert feeling, and in some cases may diminish your sex drive.
Well, there's a wellness convention in town and I thought maybe you could talk Lindsay into joining me up onstage.
- Yeah.
Why don't you ask her? - Oh, I would, but she just doesn't take me seriously.
Michael tried to find the money the accountant said was missing.
I don't know.
I probably stole it.
I mean, if he says it's missing, it is.
Unless he stole it.
Hey, maybe he stole it.
- He's the one that said it's missing.
- Yeah, I probably stole it.
Well, we need to find it before Ira is asked to testify.
- I thought we were talking about Gilligan.
Who's Ira? - Ira Gilligan.
Ira's his first name.
He actually hates to be called Gilligan.
Well, he never told me that.
Gilligan has promised me that all this money will be saved in I.
R.
A.
s.
- It's Ira, sir.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan.
Will be saved in "Iras.
" - What the hell is this, Gilligan? - It's Ira, sir.
- Please call me - Gilligan! Michael, if he testifies, I am screwed.
Here's what you do.
You take him out for some fishing or something.
- Why would I take him fishing? - Fun.
Guy fun.
- Let's get him on our side.
- No.
Look.
I'm not taking him fishing.
Oh, that's right.
You hated fishing.
- No, I didn't.
- No, I'll get Gob.
Yeah.
He liked it.
- Hang on a second.
- He's the one who's fun.
I liked fishing.
Where are you going? I'm fun.
It's just that Listen.
The way to fix this Ira thing is not to buy him off.
All right? - It's to find out where the money went.
- You're no fun.
Yeah.
I'm plenty fun.
That night the family gathered at Lucille's to welcome Gob's wife.
I have always wanted a daughter.
And a blonde.
What fun.
- Where did Annyong get thatjuice box? - Annyong.
Those are for his soccer team.
No sugar for you.
You just get more awful.
Hey, Adopted Brother.
Do you think I could have a hit of that juice box? That Michael tried to convince Lindsay to rejoin Dr.
Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution.
Dr.
Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution was a nightmare for me.
Hmm.
Well, he said it was the most fun your family's ever had.
Yeah, well, I was wacked on Zanotab the entire time.
I thought Zanotab was supposed to make everything a little bit better.
For 15 minutes.
Then it burns when you pee, and your marriage goes to hell.
It is not a good supplement.
Besides, Maeby's not gonna want to do it.
I wanna do it! Are you kidding me? Those were our best times ever.
This party just keeps gettin' better.
So, uh You know, if you want me on wood block, I can keep perfect time.
Some call me the human metronome.
You notice how I'm always on time? I'm never late for things.
Yeah, but I think punctuality is slightly different from rhythm.
No, it's not.
It's the exact same thing.
It's knowing how long things take.
Look.
I'm just doing this because if my parents split up, it's a lot more work for me.
I know.
They split up once in Boston.
When they get along, I get tons more alone time.
When they don't, guess who they start spending all their time with.
- Me.
- We've been talking here for 28 seconds.
Just so you know.
Excuse me.
Dr.
"Funky?" - Ah, Fünke.
- Of Dr.
Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution? - Yes! - Oh, my I saw you in '96.
- Oh! - You sang a song about a supplement called Teamocil? - Teamocil.
- I mean, you just nailed me! It was like you knew every side effect I was going through at that time.
- Sadly, Teamocil has been discontinued.
- Oh.
The sense of wellness it created in relationships was merely the first sign of complete pituitary shutdown.
- Excuse me? Are you, uh Hi.
I'm Michael.
- Hi.
- I'm Gob's brother.
- Yes.
He told me all about you.
- You have a terrific voice.
- I smell olives! And Michael, as per Gob's request tried to convince his wife that Gob was unreliable.
So, Gob is late.
But I guess that's who you married.
He's probably out trying to do something very important.
Are you hitting on me? Gob said that would happen.
Hey, Gob.
It's a good thing you're not staying married to this girl.
You've got her hating me at least your version of me, which is actually you.
Well, I talked to Dad, and he thinks that I should stay in it.
Stay in the marriage? You're not letting Dad lead you around by the nose again, are you? Think about it.
I've got the marriage and none of the good parts.
It's like, so far it's been all chain and no ball.
- Sure.
- So, we'll have a ceremony and a bachelor party.
A bachelor party? You want one now? Come on.
- You're not giving your best man a whole lot of prep time.
- Dad can handle it.
- Dad? - Yeah.
You know.
He's a fun guy, and - I'm making him my best man.
- You're making Dad your best man.
That's great.
I guess being your brother and solving all your problems for you doesn't qualify me as your best man.
Hey.
If he wants to support me, I'm not gonna tell him to go to hell.
- Don't worry.
You're still - What? Invited? No, I was gonna say you're still the guy I want solving my problems, but, yeah Let me talk to Dad about that invite situation.
The next day, Gob visited his father to prepare for his bachelor party.
You know, I really think that you're gonna like this woman.
Well, she's costing me enough, but she's oh, she's a hell of a stripper.
- No, I mean my wife.
- Oh.
Well, l I doubt that very much.
Well, I can tell you that Michael was pretty upset that you wanted to be best man.
- Don't worry about Michael.
- Yeah, my bachelor party's about having fun, right? No, no.
Your bachelor party's about convincing Gilligan that he's killed a stripper getting him out of town so he can't testify and making sure that people think that he took the money.
- It is? - Yeah.
This accountant can do us a lot of damage.
I want him neutralized.
Do you hear me? That's why I want you to use this stripper a narcoleptic, believe it or not.
A friend of mine at the yacht club, he used her for his bachelor party.
We wanted you to have the first piece! You put her in a darkened space, she's out.
You get him drunk.
He passes out.
Then you cover the floor with corn syrup, mixed with a little red dye.
He comes to.
"Eee! Blood! Aaah!" He freaks out.
Okay.
But how do you know that he's gonna leave the country? That's why I got you those honeymoon tickets.
You never thanked me for those.
I'm sorry.
I meant to.
I was gonna You just have to convince him that this happened.
- That he killed a stripper? - Can you do this? Can I trust you? You're not gonna go all Michael on me, are ya? Nobody's turning all Michael on you.
But when you get out, then we're gonna have a real party.
Right, Dad? Are you kidding? When I get out of here you're gonna throw me the biggest party this town's ever seen.
All right? Back at the model home Stop! It is not Zanotab.
Well, maybe if I was allowed to have a Zanotab, I'd remember it's Euphorazine.
No.
We are not going to do that again.
This family is not about to start using.
We are pushers, not takers.
Okay.
Once more, from the bridge.
What is that noise? We don't need the wood block.
No, I just thought I would join in on the fun.
I mean, you guys are always talking about, you know, family and loving and having good times in the circle You know what? This isn't working.
Maybe I'm just gonna go off and rehearse with Maeby alone.
Oh, fine.
Then I'll rehearse with Maeby after dinner.
No! This is wholesome, family fun, okay? Let's take it from loose stool! One, two and a What is that in your mouth? Is that a Euphorazine? Lindsay, spit it out! That's not real happiness! - Well, it's better than what we've got now.
- Lindsay, spit it out! And Michael arrived home determined to prove that he was, in fact, fun.
I just booked us a little fishing trip.
- But why? What did I do? - Hmm? No, no.
This is a fun thing! Okay? Something I've always wanted to do with you.
Everybody's always having fun around here.
Why can't we? Already down! Get your finger out of my throat! It's down! - Anyway, I thought you hated fishing.
- No, it's fun.
I like fun.
I just hated doing it with my dad.
This is gonna be you and me.
Okay? We get to stay at a hotel, get up at We're gonna get out there on the choppy ocean.
We're gonna catch ourselves a little lunch.
Oh, we get to eat it? After we gut it.
Yes.
While the Bluth boys contemplated having fun Lucille had a request for Gob's bachelor party.
- Why do I have to bring him? - Because Buster's your brother and I'm not gonna leave him home alone with all this J-U-l-C-E around.
I can spell, Mom.
You spelled "juice.
" Oh, you're so brilliant.
Let's see you find it.
Besides, I'm going to Annyong's soccer award ceremony Annyong.
And I don't need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are.
And I don't need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are.
- Yeah, I think they're gonna know that Annyong's - Annyong.
Would somebody please tell this insufferable child to God! And so, as Michael and his son checked into the hotel, his brothers arrived.
- What are you guys doing here? - Oh, we're having Gob's bachelor party.
You're not going? Even Dad's coming Via satellite.
Uh, no.
I'm gonna go fishing with my son here.
We're gonna go have some fun.
Real fun.
Okay? Not everything is strippers and booze and buckets of blood.
Why do you guys have buckets ofblood? It's not real blood.
It's corn syrup and red dye.
- Juice.
- We have unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook.
Meanwhile, at the wellness convention in the very same hotel Dr.
Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution was preparing for their show.
Here are the new Euphorazine side effects.
Ah, the solo.
That is for my lovely and talented daughter.
"Delayed irritability?" What do they mean by delayed? It means it comes later! This is ridiculous! Why do we even have to do this? We are doing this to keep our family together.
No, I'm serious.
We're dressed like we're in the '60s.
- It's the 21 st century.
We should be dressing like it's the '80s.
- Lindsay I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating.
If you need me, I'll be at the bar.
Well, fine, Lindsay.
That's fine.
- Maeby and I'll just do - Yeah.
I'm out too.
You think you can handle it alone? 'Cause if you don't perform, we don't validate.
Back in Michael's hotel room the guys were settling down for the night so as to be ready for their 4:00 a.
m.
wake-up call.
It sure sounds like they're having fun out there by the pool.
Oh, they think they're having fun, Son, but it's not lasting fun.
It is fleeting fun, like a bachelor party.
What we got here is lasting fun.
Okay? You think about that.
- Good night, Son.
- Good night, Dad.
- Marco! - Polo! Marco! - Polo! - Marco! - Hey, Dad? - Polo! - Dad, are you still awake? - Still awake.
It's just, um I mean, this is really fun and everything This isn't even the fun part.
Tomorrow Yeah.
The problem I'm having is, uh - I have a pretty finely tuned internal clock - Mm-hmm.
which is why I'm actually such a good natural percussionist.
And, um I'm just worried that I'm not gonna be able to fall asleep for another two hours and 45 minutes.
So, I was thinking maybe I would go down and check out Maeby's band and you could go see if Gob's bachelor party has started.
Shh, shh, shh.
I'm right where I want to be.
Gob had his chance to have me there but if you're sure that you can't sleep.
It's just I don't know when I'm gonna get another chance like this - you know, to be there for family.
- Right.
- I'd hate to miss it, because I was too proud.
- Right.
Wait a minute.
"Too proud?" What does this have to do with "too proud?" Actually, that part was kinda just for you.
I was just worried the whole thing wasn't gonna land unless I included the pride part.
Upstairs, Gob was preparing to set up the accountant under his father's helpful gaze.
- Who called the cops? - And with the aid of some helpful gays.
You told me to hire people to look like my friends.
They're Hot Cops.
They're entertainers.
Although I specifically asked them not to come dressed as cops.
You better change now.
He's gonna be here soon.
Butch, guys.
I want it butch.
Hey, uh, you got the blood.
Right? Yeah, I got two buckets full right Hey! What the hell happened to the blood? - Hey, Brother.
- Whoa! - Somebody put on his lipstick in the car.
- I love juice! This next number is the only ballad that the Solution ever attempted.
And I must say I feel a bit like a Mary without a Peter and a Paul, but I suppose it's worth a shot.
"Teamocil is no longer available.
Please try either Grouphug, Bondat or consult your own Wellness Guide.
" Teamocil! You're out of the band.
And, back at the bachelor party Gilligan had arrived, and the con was in full swing.
It's Ira, and I'm fine.
Come on! Have a drink! There's some stuff coming up you might not be able to handle sober.
Speaking of which, where's Buster? In fact, Buster had finished thejuice and was desperately looking for his next sugar fix when he discovered the cake in the next room.
Unfortunately, he was unaware of the narcoleptic stripper confined within it.
Yeah, I better go in the back room and have a look for him.
- Ira, have a drink! - I'm not thirsty.
I want some food.
Ooh.
Okay.
Keep it together.
Don't go all Michael here.
Knock, knock! Where's the married bachelor? Michael, I thought you weren't coming.
I thought he wasn't coming! Well, I wasn't going to, but he's my brother, and I'm here to support him like all these, uh, hot men and Ira.
Well, you're not gonna stay.
I mean, this isn't your kind of scene.
Dad, please, stay out of it, all right? I'm here for Gob.
Now, where are the strippers? - Well, l - Mmm! You got a little back room going, huh? - Well, l - Mmm! You got a little back room going, huh? - Huh? Huh? - Well just relax.
I'm as fun as anybody.
I can handle a back room.
- I'm calling the cops.
- No! - We're changing again, guys! - No.
No cops.
- Well, what is this? She died.
She's dead.
- It was Gilligan! - What? Gilligan killed the skipper stripper.
I didn't kill any stripper.
- You're drunk.
You don't remember.
- You're pulling the rip cord! Ira, take my honeymoon tickets.
Get out of the country.
Save yourself.
- I'm not drunk.
Bix made me the designated driver.
- Bix! Just then, the stripper woke up saw Buster with what appeared to be blood around his mouth - and thought she had killed him for groping her.
- Not again.
You were setting me up.
You're trying to get me to leave the country.
Well, the hell with you, sir.
Bix, we're leaving.
I'm testifying.
Yeah, the party's over.
That's it.
You were trying to set Ira up? Oh, Gob, Gob.
Come on.
Is this true? Oh, wait a minute.
It wasn't your idea, Gob.
- It was your idea.
Wasn't it, Dad? - It wa - Huh? - Even if it was my idea, which it wasn't Gob screwed it up, which he did and always does.
- You don't have to take that.
- What the hell am I supposed to do? Here.
- Oh, no.
No, no.
Don't you dare, mister.
- Do it.
Do it.
Hey, Gob! I am your best man.
I am your fath What does it matter? I screwed it up anyway.
A complete failure.
Can't even fake the death of a stripper.
Oh, come on.
That's not a bad thing.
- It doesn't make you a failure.
Dad's the failure.
- Really? When he was my age, he ran an entire company, had kids.
The company was corrupt.
Look what he's trying to do to us.
I'll tell you something else.
You might not be a father but you are my brother.
I might be a father.
Why don't you start trusting yourself.
Okay? Not Dad.
You're a much better man than he is.
- You're a better man than both of us.
- Well.
You're the best man.
You're my best man.
Not if I have an actual ceremony, 'cause Dad would kill me, but What do you say, hermano? Help me clean up this mess? What the hell.
Gob, I want out.
- I'm in love with your brother.
- What? - You did it again, you son of a bitch! - No, no! She's In-law.
Tobias.
Sorry.
I should have finished that thought.
On the next Arrested Development.
Oh, my god.
I killed Michael.
Yeah, but on the plus side, you got punched in the face.
Hey, Brother.
Hey, Brother.
Michael solves the mystery of the missing money.
Ira was signatory to all these accounts? - Get me Ira Gilligan.
- And Gilligan fulfills his destiny.
Let it ring.