Cougar Town s01e19 Episode Script

- Ooh! Great shirt alert.
- Yeah? No.
I just made up that phrase, "great shirt alert," and it's really fun to say.
Well, you should've said it to Andy.
I mean, come on.
- Great shirt alert.
- Yeah? No.
I just wanted to try saying it.
Jules, you're right.
It's so fun! [Grayson.]
I have had the worst writer's block.
This is the only song I've been able to come up with in the last three weeks.
Writer's block, writer's block [continues singing.]
[Saw buzzing, hammering.]
Hear that? That's what your stupid songs sound like in my head! Why do we still have to hang out here when your bathroom's being remodeled? My kitchen is our hangout.
It's our turf.
It's our clubhouse.
Our barrio.
Why did you teach her how to roll her "R"s? Molly Ringwald.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, come on.
The construction's not that bad.
- We got to meet Gerald.
- This has been a great couple of weeks.
You guys really got me through some stuff.
We know your father's a tough cookie.
But just remember, all that yelling is just him showing you his love, you know? - I do now.
- Who lays tile better than you? No one.
I can do this.
- He's back.
- You go, Gerald! Your dad was wrong about you! His dad was not wrong.
But you do what you do for good tile.
Oh! I can't wait for this bathroom to be done! In fact, put it in your calendars, because I'm gonna have a bathroom warming party.
Can I bring Sara to what sounds like the worst party ever? Oh! You mean Sara, your new girlfriend? Ooh! That was embarrassing.
I thought you were all gonna do it.
Hey, where did you even find the space to put in a giant master bathroom? Balls! - I love you.
- Not happening.
What do you mean, "Not happening?" I'm not allowed to love you? That "I love you" doesn't mean, "I love you," it means, "Let's have sex.
" It doesn't this time.
Trust me.
- I can be quick.
- You broke the trust! Our sex schedule is one and a half times a week.
It has been ten days since our one or our half.
Our half? Come on.
It's your half.
- Yeah, it is.
- I admit, it's been too long, but I got sidelined by that UTI.
- All right, react.
- [Gagging.]
But now you want sex so badly that it's too much pressure.
- It makes me not want it.
- So you want me to not want it? No, I want you to want it, but I don't want to know you want it.
- How will you know I want it? - If I want it, you'll want it.
True.
OK.
We can do this.
- OK.
- All right.
Just give me my half! Hey, thanks for doing this.
I can't believe your school makes you do photo projects.
It's like they cater to the weird, artsy-fartsy kids.
- I started the photography club.
- Cool.
Nice save.
All right, now this is all about stolen moments.
You just gotta pretend like I'm not here.
- Just do it, nerd! - Hurtful.
OK, one, two, three.
Seriously? If there's a camera around, we bring the sexy.
It's how we do.
Well, the camera would beg to differ.
- It's a devil camera! - I'm a seal.
No posing, OK? Just go sit on the bench and talk.
Oh, I know.
Why don't we play that game where we guess who's gonna die first? - Laurie.
- [Ellie.]
Laurie.
You get defibrillated at a Kid Rock concert one time Well How do you feel about Grayson being in a real relationship? I don't know.
I can't really be jealous because I never got in the game.
But honestly, it does kinda suck.
- [Camera clicks.]
- Shaboom! A moment has been stolen.
Travis, let me see that.
I was sad.
That's not fair.
[Jules.]
Oh! Whoa! I look hot when I'm depressed.
Oh! That's why I always get hit on when I'm at funerals.
Oh, why can't someone die? Stop it.
You're Jules, right? I'm Sara.
- Oh.
Hi.
You're Grayson's - I am.
[Chuckles.]
Have a seat.
Well, I'm just gonna dive right in.
You've got gorgeous hair.
It's like you hit your head on a rock, and honey is pouring out.
I just had it done for your bathroom party.
Twice.
Oh, I forgot.
You don't know me.
- I'm insane! - No way! Me, too.
Don't be nervous about tonight, OK? 'Cause it's totally casual.
Don't wear jeans, 'cause we're not animals.
OK, thanks.
Oh, I gotta run.
You know, you're as cool as Grayson said.
Peace.
"Peace?" What kind of a skank wears a watch? Nice try, Laurie, but I like her.
[Laughing.]
- Oh, you're serious.
- Yeah.
Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? - She let you kiss her that way? - Yeah, Dad.
I lick her mouth.
[Camera clicks.]
[Travis.]
Shabamy! [Scoffs.]
I'm making out with a dog.
Delete that.
Fine.
[Bobby.]
You might want to take some notes, junior.
Dog Travis has more game than you.
Look, I got it covered, all right? [Gasps.]
Travis! You just undid my bra! Seriously? I've got heated floors, a steam shower, flat screen and check out the tub.
It is so deep I can rent it out for water births.
[Laurie.]
Wow, Jules! It's like a bathroom from a fairy tale! I can totally picture a princess copping a squat in here.
We're in a bathroom.
Is that one of those electronic toilet seats from Japan? - Mm-hmm! - Holy gods, it cleans your hoo.
There are a lot more settings to figure out.
There's one button that just says, "No.
" - I can't wait to push that.
- I'll bet.
[Jules.]
The only downside is sometimes it yells at me in Japanese.
Hmm? Wow, brace yourselves.
Grayson's on his way up with Sara.
- Oh, here we go.
- [Jules.]
What? Is he being more of a cocky jerk now that he has a girlfriend? - [Bobby.]
Sort of the opposite.
- [Sara.]
Sorry we're late.
Yeah, my little Sare Bear's tummy was growling, so we got a wittle num num.
- A wittle num num - Oh, no.
Let me take your purse.
Whoa! What do you got in there, rocks? [Chuckling.]
I'm kidding, you.
Sha-moo! [Camera clicks.]
- [Speaking Japanese.]
- [Flushes.]
Oh, that means "flush.
" Yay! [Applauding.]
Hey, sorry.
I'd love to stay, but the old ball and chain I'm kidding.
Bye, guys.
- [Andy.]
Bye! - [Travis.]
See ya! - [Laurie.]
Oh, no! - [Bobby.]
Oh, my Lord! Downright painful.
Did you see Grayson just standing there, holding Sara's purse? I've got one better than, "Great shirt alert.
" Grayson is totally "pursey-whipped.
" - [Laughing.]
- That's good.
That is really gonna catch on.
Pursey-magnet.
Pursey-hound.
- Pursey-cat.
- That's not how it works.
- Maybe Grayson's just being careful - [Jules.]
I'm sorry.
I just I really miss my bathroom.
Ah! Yes.
Continue.
Maybe Grayson's just being careful because it's a new relationship.
They probably haven't even shaved each other yet.
[Ellie.]
I never got this whole Grayson thing, but now seeing him all weak and submissive, it's oh, so hot.
Come on.
- It makes him so unattractive.
- It's a total [whipping sound.]
What? It's the universal sign for lady turnoff.
No, it's not.
- He's gonna push Sara away.
- Wouldn't that make you happy? I don't wanna watch a friend drown.
Plus, I like Sara.
She was so nice to me this morning when I ran into her.
[Sara.]
I'm sorry I'm crying.
Your hair's so much nicer than mine.
I know.
Everything is.
- That never happened.
- That's how I remember it.
Why are you so into photography? I feel like photos really capture our collective unconscious.
Plus, being pretentious really works on me.
You should work that angle in college.
Get yourself a scarf and watch the nerdy girls start throwing their legs open.
Yeah, I love Kylie.
Even though we're going to different colleges, I think we're gonna stay together.
[Laughing.]
Are you done? - [Both.]
No.
- [Laughing.]
Oh! I really dig this one of Kylie kissing the dog.
Looks like an old Portuguese man and his mistress.
She won't let me use it.
I had to pretend I deleted it.
Art should never be compromised for the sake of vanity.
[Jules.]
Laurie, bring up coffee.
We're working in my bathroom today.
She slept in there last night.
- [Laurie.]
Honey, you have a problem.
- I don't have a problem.
Are you planning on leaving the bathroom today? No, no, no.
Not today.
So Ellie pulled the whole "to get sex more you have to want it less" thing? [Chuckling.]
Classic.
I can't handle it, man.
I'm not strong enough.
- Calm down, A-Team.
- You calm down! Look, what you need to do is just picture Ellie with a bucket head.
- A bucket on her head? - No, the bucket is her head.
How would that help? You ever looked inside a bucket and not seen something disgusting? Fish guts, dip, spit, dead rats.
That'll work.
- Sorry I yelled.
- Apology hug.
[Grunts.]
Ellie thinks our apology hugs are weird.
She's weird.
Apology accepted.
Still having writer's block? Tryin' to break it by singin' every word I say Damn it! I just got perfume all over my contracts.
That's it! If I wanted to be a bathroom attendant, I would have stayed a bathroom attendant.
- Good day.
- So Why did you have me over? I grabbed one of Travis's cameras because I wanted to show you some of the pictures that he's been taking of you and Sara.
Well, there you are, spoon-feeding her ice cream.
Brushing her glorious hair.
Sare Bear! Grayson, you are acting like a total pursey.
- A? - OK, look at this.
- You're painting her toenails.
- Whoa! How did Travis get this picture? That's in my bedroom.
[Camera clicking.]
- You enjoy your shower? - Yeah.
Whoa! Game on! Yes! [Camera clicks.]
Shabam! Damn it, Andy.
For once I was coming to you, and you ruined it! Your bucket was supposed to be filled with fish guts, but I looked inside, and it was nothing but sex.
- What? - It was just an eighth of a second.
Can't we get that moment back? [Whipping sound.]
It's all natural light.
Dude, a bucket head? Really? - Eh, I took a swing.
- Don't help anymore.
What you guys looking at? I present to you the crown jewel of stolen moments.
Me butt naked.
Let me see that.
'Cause I'm gonna smash your camera.
- No, no, no.
- [Ellie.]
Give it! Chill, EI, I've seen you nude.
I videotaped the birth of your child, for crying out loud.
At least here, you're not all, you know inside out.
- No one's seeing that picture.
What about all the stuff you said about art being more important than vanity? [Ellie.]
Oh, no.
How will I sleep at night? Oh, right.
I have pills for that.
Are you really criticizing me for taking care of my girlfriend? I am OK, I hate myself, but you see how annoying that is? I'm finally in a real relationship again.
I'm trying to really be in it.
OK? Hell, you've been on me since the day we met to be more open and emotionally available.
But I didn't want you to become a lady butler.
- I'm not a lady butler.
- You're right.
You're not.
Because I've met a lady butler before, and see, they don't talk baby talk.
"Oh, Sare Bear, I love you so much.
It's like I don't have teeth no mo'.
" Sara loves that I'm so into her.
No, she doesn't.
If you keep it up, you watch, she's gonna say she needs space and she'll start pulling away.
- You don't know that.
- [Speaking Japanese.]
- Shut up! - Don't you yell at my toilet.
Look, I'm sorry that I found someone I care about.
I didn't realize it would make you so jealous.
I'm not jealous.
I'm happy for you.
I may not be expressing it with my tone right now, but I am.
If anybody's jealous, you're jealous of me and my bathroom.
So you are obviously insane, so I'll just say back the hell off.
[Speaking Japanese.]
You said it.
Can you believe Grayson? Jealous? I'm not jealous.
You are a little jealous.
I know.
But he doesn't know that.
This is where your family hangs out now? Yep.
Get comfortable.
[Jules.]
Oh, no, no, no.
No.
We don't touch the towels in the special bathroom.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, sorry.
- Just don't do it again.
- [Laurie.]
Maybe with Grayson and Sara, it would be better to, you know not butt in.
Yes, I meddle, but I do it because I know, ultimately, you're all grateful.
We are? You sure about that? Yes.
You love it that I care so much.
If Travis knew I was doing it, he'd thank me for trimming his hair while he's sleeping.
I knew it.
You know I want to grow it out.
[Jules.]
Sweetie, it hides your pretty face.
Kylie! Get your grubby paws off my towels! She was pretty clear the first time.
[Jules.]
Fine.
You want me to back off? OK, then guess what? I'm out.
I will never meddle in your lives again.
[Laughing.]
[Imitating laughter.]
[Jules.]
You know what? We'll see.
Everybody go.
Get out.
I'm gonna press Mr.
Toilet Man's "No" button.
Go.
Hey, uh, Mrs.
Torres? - [Water rushing.]
- [Jules.]
No! What are you doing to me?! Will you please change your mind about letting me use your picture? - No chance, Lance.
- [Sighs.]
- Can you believe her? - Travis, you're such an ass.
What just happened? Never press the "No" button.
- Sorry it didn't work.
- Apology hug accepted.
So Ellie just dropped robe, and the bucket head just disappeared? The bucket didn't disappear.
I'm sorry, my hot naked wife with a bucket head? - I'm in.
- You just need to get to a place where there's no sexual desire left whatsoever.
I can probably do that if I spent a little private time with you know, myself.
Hey, there's nothing wrong with making shower babies.
It's not a sin if you're doing it for love.
[Mumbles.]
For love.
For love! It's great of you to have me over.
I've missed our talks.
I just feel like you get me.
- More pinot? - Bring it.
So my dad and I went to counseling together.
Do you think we should try? Let me stop you right there, Gerald.
I'm done with meddling.
I stuck my nose in my friend's business, and I hurt him.
I probably wasn't even right about it anyway.
Hey.
I figured your footsies were cold, so I warmed up your socks in the dryer.
Come on, sweetie.
You gotta push.
It's a two-person effort.
Um Thanks.
You know, I was thinking maybe I might just crash at my place tonight.
- Just get a little space.
- Oh, yeah.
That's cool.
I just need to let people be.
Jules, you have a gift, and that gift is helping people.
You did it for me.
Last night, my dad and I hugged for the first time.
Was it as beautiful as it was in my dreams? Take a guess.
You need to get back to buttin' in.
What if people never realize how much I help them? That's the burden of being a hero.
I'm like Batman.
[Gasps.]
- Thank you, Gerald.
- No, thank you.
Not many clients invite me back just to talk.
Yeah, about that See, there's a few tiles over there that are just a little uneven.
Oh, no.
My dad was right.
I'm useless.
- No.
It's my fault.
- How could it be your fault? - I don't know.
Just fix it, Gerald.
- Got it.
- Why is Kylie so mad? - Could be nothing.
Could be that she's pretending to be angry so she doesn't feel so guilty about being knocked up with someone else's kid.
That's comforting.
She's mad because you fought to use my photo, not hers.
[Laurie.]
Women do love when men fight for them.
There is nothing less sexy than a dude who respects a restraining order.
That's a great story.
Look, Trav, it's all about effort.
There is no end to what a man must do for a woman.
[Andy.]
Hey there, baby.
You don't look like you're from around here.
Are you lost, Ellie Torres? Hey.
- What do you want? - Don't be rude.
I left my bathroom to come over here, and that's a big deal.
Well, you were right.
She asked for space.
I didn't expect to be right.
- Really? - No, I knew I would be.
Well, go ahead.
- Gloat.
- Later.
Now, I'm here to apologize.
Scoot it.
See When you act like a pursey, you are just so not sexy.
Apology accepted.
I want you to be that edgy, aloof guy that I kind of find attractive.
But that's not for you, and it's not for Sara.
That's just for me, and Sorry.
I'm Batman.
[Both laughing.]
How can I still not understand what women want? Women just want a guy who who respects our independence, but also wants to take care of us.
We want a guy who's secure, but also gets jealous.
We want a guy who truly listens to us, but also wants us to kinda shut up.
Like yesterday, when you were being a little mean to me, but you weren't being too mean? That was so hot.
Well, I know you want to tell me how to fix it with Sara, so go ahead.
It's easy.
Just treat her like you treat me.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Sad Pants.
It sucks being a dude.
Women want an everything man.
[Sara.]
Come on.
I'm in the mood for tacos.
Yeah, well, I'm kinda in the middle of something.
But I'm hungry.
Then why don't you run out and grab us some tacos and bring 'em back? All right.
Run along.
Runnin', runnin' Runnin'just as fast as I can Tryin' to be your everything man Give me 20 minutes? Please let me use your picture.
[Applauding.]
[Whistling.]
Wow.
She is way, way better than you.
- Shut up.
- That was fun.
Yeah, for you.
I carried your ass.
Bitch, please! So you fixed him.
Are you happy? I really don't know.
[Camera clicks.]
[Jules.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There's no scuffing the tiles.
Take your shoes off.
Booties in the bin.
You need to leave this room.
Not happenin'.
- Andy, grab her feet! - [Jules.]
No! No, I don't want to go! - I don't want to go! No! - [Laurie.]
Jules, it's time.
No, no, no! Let me at least just grab one of these fancy towels! - [Laurie.]
You don't need a towel! - I got two.
- I got 'em! - All right, Toilet Man.
I'm not afraid.
I am pressing that "No" button.
Bring it.
- [Water rushing.]
- Whoo! Hoo-hoo! Hell, yeah!