Dharma & Greg s01e19 Episode Script

-Mammogram! -What? Just sounds like something that should be delivered, doesn't it? [ Sighs .]
And she is our daughter-in-law, and we're being pleasant and we're talking to ourself.
- I broughtyou backyour pasta maker.
- Thankyou, Dharma.
Thankyou.
- Didn't know I borrowed it, did you? - No.
No, I didn't.
- Didn't knowyou even had one, did you? - Well, you-you got me again.
I betyou thought a pasta maker was a person, huh? Would you please just- - Oh, my God.
- What? You and Edward split up? [ Chuckles .]
Why on earth would you think that? Well, it's obvious, Kitty.
Edward's favorite chair- no butt indentation.
His pipe hasn't been smoked in three days.
And the newspaper- no one solved the J umble.
Fascinating, Sherlock.
However, the chair is new.
It arrived this morning.
The pipe is not Edward's, ThomasJeffierson.
We bought it at auction.
It hasn't been smoked in 200 years.
Andas fiortheJumble, Edward neversolves it.
Hejust laughs at the little cartoon.
Wow, I'm not usually wrong about this stuff.
That's the last of the shirts.
Ifyou need anything, I'll be at my apartment.
Thomas Jefferson? Kitty, I am so sorry.
Areyou okay? Oh, I'm fine.
And I assureyou, Dharma, there is- there is no reason to be upset.
And it's- it's not so much, you see, a separation as it is a cooling off period.
Wow.
Really? How cold doyou want it, because, um- [ Shivers .]
- Forgot my pants.
- Dharma, dear I-I appreciateyour concern, but I'd really rather not talk about this just now.
Well, that's whatyou say on the outside but on the inside, there's a wounded little girl crying out "Help me, Dharma.
Help me.
" Well, you found me out.
- Now, as for Gregory- - Doyou want me to tell him? No, I'd ratheryou not tell him.
Oh, I can't do that.
That would be lying.
No, that would be failing to make conversation.
- But what ifhe asks howyou guys are doing? - Then you lie.
- Kitty, I cannot lie to Greg.
I've never lied to Greg.
- Never? Um, oh, well, yeah, once I told him I had a big "O" when really I had a little "o" - but he was working so hard- - That's enough.
Well, yeah, sometimes that is enough.
But you gotta admit that big "O" is worth chasing.
Well, that's the last ofthe pants.
Dharma, have I ever asked a favor ofyou? Well, you offered me No, that wasn't a favor, that- that was a test and-and you passed with- with flying colors.
Uh, my marriage to- to Mr.
Montgomery is in a very delicate stage and I would like to have the opportunity to- to work things out before I bring it to Gregory.
Okay.
My lips are sealed.
Thankyou, thankyou.
I got it.
This is your opening argument? - You-You can't say this to the jury.
- Why not? Pete, it- it rhymes.
The whole damn thing rhymes.
It's the onlyway I can remember it.
"Ladies and gentlemen ofthe jury, I was born in a small town in Missouri.
" - It's not even true! - You try rhymin' Michigan.
- [ Clears Throat .]
- Hey.
- Hi, guys.
- Did you, uh, return the pasta maker to my mother? - Uh-huh.
Yeah, I did.
- How is she? How would I know? - Well, you-you were just there.
- Yeah, I know that, Greg.
I just admitted that.
I'm not a liar, okay? Okay.
You know what's been bothering her, don't you? How many times do I have to beat you over the head with this? I do not know anything about your mother.
Fishigan.
I-I just think she's upset because we keep canceling dinner on them.
Mmm, yeah, that's it.
So maybe we can go over there tomorrow and have a quick lunch.
- No, we can't.
- Why not? Uh, because, Greg.
I made plans to have lunch with, uh,Jane already tomorrow.
Really? BecauseJane was just here complaining that she had to do the rest ofher community service tomorrow.
Not thatJane.
Jane Seymour.
Medicine Woman? - Wait a minute, you knowJane Seymour? - Darn tootin' I do.
Hey.
Dr.
Quinn, Michigan.
- How do you know Jane Seymour? - I trained her dog.
That's how I know- That's what I did.
I-I trained her dog.
- That's what I did.
- What kind of dog does she have? Greg, I'm not on trial here.
I'm not one ofyour criminals in your court.
What areyou trying to do to me? God, I can't live like this.
Wow.
What doyou think thatwas all about? Some kind ofwoman thing? I don't know.
I've never had a relationship last 28 days.
[Woman.]
Yes? - Mammogram! - What? Doesn't that sound like something that should be delivered? So I figured ifwe just ate something together, you know, like, I don't know this turkey sandwich, then I wouldn't really have lied.
I see.
Did, uh- Did you happen to notice the name ofthe guard who letyou in? Jeff.
Jeff.
Yeah.
God, he was so nice.
Jeff.
Jeff.
So what doyou say, huh? I know I seem like a big old freakazoid here but it would just mean so much to me.
At the risk of driving you even further around the bend, my dear - this turkey sandwich- - With sprouts.
Quite right.
But it's not going to undo the lieyou told your husband.
Uh-huh, will to ifyou eat it.
Come on.
I drove 5 1 /2 hours.
Just take a little bite.
I-I-I have a fruit salad over here.
How about ifl took a bite ofthis? Uh, great.
Great.
Oh, wait! Hang on! Okay.
- [ Sighs .]
- Would it kill you to smile? You tell me.
- Where haveyou been? - I told you I was having lunch with Jane Seymour.
Wow.
- That is Jane Seymour.
- Told you.
Told you.
She looks scared to death.
That's acting.
Sometimes we do skits while we eat.
- Where was this? - L.
A.
You drove all the way to L.
A.
to have lunch? It was my turn.
- So how was your day? - It was fine.
I watched Pete cross-examine a witness who unfortunatelywas from Nantucket.
- And then I had lunch with my parents.
- Really? Anything new with them? Did they say anything new about themselves thatyou didn't know? Honey, what is going on? I'm keeping a secret from you, Greg.
Oh! There, it's out.
I feel so much better.
- What secret? - Again with the questions.
- Is it aboutJane Seymour? - No! - Is it about us? - No.
Well, doyou have a good reason for keeping the secret? - Uh-huh.
- Then it sounds likeyou're doing the right thing.
- What does that mean? - I mean I loveyou and ifyou thinkyou have something you can't tell me, then I trustyourjudgment.
- Oh, thankyou.
- You're welcome.
Wait a minute.
It's okaywith you for us to keep secrets from each other? Ifthere's a good reason.
Well, what would a good reason be? Well, that's usually part ofthe secret.
Wait a minute.
Soyou could be keeping a secret from me right now? Well, ifl was, I couldn't tell you, now could I? [ Chuckling .]
[ Mocking Chuckle, Raspberry.]
You'll be lucky to get a little "o" tonight, buddy.
Hey.
I broughtyou a little present.
Uh-huh.
Thoughtyou could use it as a party tray, you know, for dip.
That's great.
What areyou doin'? Greg's got a secret.
I'm looking for Greg's secret.
I just gotta find the box called "secrets.
" - Pixy stick? - Thanks.
I'll save that bad boy for later.
All right.
Oh.
Buttons.
Extra buttons.
"Extra button shirts, extra button pants.
" God, buddy, buya button! Abby, Jane.
You better get over here.
She's back to her old tricks.
Yeah.
Straight sugar.
Right out of the stick.
Mmm.
Dharma, how much sugar haveyou had? Can't talk now.
I gotta find Greg's secret.
She's been up all night doing Pixy Stix.
Did you find any Pez paraphernalia? - Larry, that's our daughter.
- I have to ask.
I gotta find it.
I gotta find it.
Gotta- Gotta find- All right.
You, brew me some chamomile tea, strong.
You, get me two aromatherapy candles, sandalwood or eucalyptus.
- Dharma.
- [ Chuckles .]
You're probably asking yourself, why areyou doing this Dharma? That's the question I'd be asking myself.
Dharma, why areyou doing this? Thankyou for asking.
I'm doing this because my marriage is in trouble with a capital "T" which rhymes with pool, and I don't know how that could be.
Dharma.
Dharma, breathe with me, baby.
Remember, a deep cleansing breath.
Come on, one.
Let's do it and- and in and exhale.
Ah, geez.
All right, help me get her up.
Help me get her up.
Staywith us, baby.
Staywith us, baby.
You know, this is your fault,Jane.
- She didn't eat sugar before she metyou.
- Shh.
Hey, nobody put a gun to her head.
Come on, Dharma, talk to me.
[ Sings .]
Lookwhat I found.
Oh, what a beautiful necklace.
Oh, my God, that's Greg's secret.
It's probably for tomorrow.
- Well, what's tomorrow, baby? - Our half-year anniversary.
Really? How long have you guys been married? Six months, Larry.
- You have your good days and your bad days, don't you? - Sure.
- Which is this? - Which is this what? Got it.
See, Dharma, everything's okay.
No, it's not, because now Greg's gonna give it to me and I'm going to have to tell him that I went through all ofhis stuff and found it already.
Oryou could just shut up and act surprised.
I can't do that,Jane.
That's worse than lying.
That's-That's acting.
- [Knocking.]
- I'm back.
- Oh, God, what now? - Okay.
You've got to teach me how to act surprised so that my husband won't know that I went through all ofhis stuff.
Tell me, my dear, is he a real husband or is he a husband like I'm your friend? Yeah, I- Okay.
I know I sound crazy, but I'm just really upset and I haven't eaten anything in the past 24 hours except for Pixy Stix! What is a "Pixy Stix"? Paper tubes filled with sugar and artificial flavor.
- Really? - Want to try one? Come in.
Mmm! Oh, these are brilliant! After a dozen or so, you feel likeyou're riding a horse.
Let's get back to this.
Now, I'm- I'm your husband.
- Dharma, I have purchased something- - He wouldn't say "purchased.
" - Fine, fine.
Dharma, I have acquired something foryou.
- Acquired? Just-Just do it.
Dharma, this is foryou.
- [ Screams .]
- No, no, no, no.
That-That's frightened, like seeing a ghost.
No.
Try seeing a necklace.
What's frightening about seeing a ghost? All right.
Better still.
Just repeat after me.
[ English Accent .]
Oh, Gregory, that's absolutely magnificent.
[ English Accent .]
Oh, Gregory, that's absolutely magnificent.
Not with the accent, you silly twit! - I'm not using an accent.
- Yes, you are.
- Well, you started it! - But I'm allowed to! I'm English! [ Sobs .]
- Here's your mineral water? - Wow! Mineral water! - Isn't this whatyou ordered? - Why? Did I seem surprised? - Yes.
- Well, I wasn't.
I was acting.
I left L.
A.
to get away from you people.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
- I had to, uh, stop home and pick something up.
- Really? What? Well, doyou know what today is? No! Okay.
Okay.
It's our six month anniversary.
and I got you a little something.
- What's this? - Open it up.
A pasta maker.
So you don't have to keep borrowing the one from my parents.
- A pasta maker.
- Open it up.
I thinkyou'll like the instructions.
Ooh.
What could this be, huh? It's a freakin' bracelet.
- Hey.
- Dharma, stay back.
- [Beeps .]
- All clear! Boy, I don't know ifthese things are worth the convenience.
Larry, I've told you a million times, the microwave isn't gonna hurtyou.
Yeah, well, better safe than sterile.
Is Abby around? I need to talk to her.
She's out.
Areyou okay? No, I'm not.
I really need to talk to Abby.
You know, honey, when you have problems you can always talk to me too.
I know.
Thankyou.
Did she mention when she was coming back? Probably.
Is this about Greg? Did he giveyou the necklace? No, he gave me this bracelet.
I think he got the necklace for somebody else.
Oh, no, honey.
- There are probably a million logical explanations.
- Like what? Like, uh, maybe he bought it for himself.
- Maybe he enjoys wearing women's jewelry.
- Larry! I didn't say clothing.
I said jewelry.
Or- Or- Or maybe it was the onlyway he could prove he was on the Titanic.
You're right.
There are lots of explanations.
So, you feel better, pumpkin? Yeah.
Thankyou.
Now think really hard, Larry.
When's Abby coming home? Well, thanks for calling, Larry.
I was worried about her.
No.
No, I'm- I'm pretty sureyou called me.
Oh, uh, actually, she's walking in right now.
No, no, she's walking in here.
Okay.
I got to go.
Bye.
Okay.
I'm just going to come out and say it.
I found the necklace.
- What necklace? - The pearl necklace.
The pearl ne-You were going through my stuff? What wereyou doing going through my stuff? This isn't about me, this is aboutyou.
What's the deal with the necklace? - It's foryou.
- What, for next Christmas or something? Uh, probably.
OrValentine's Day.
Oh, you expect me to believe that you buy gifts a year in advance? I- I do.
Oh, God, you do.
Of courseyou do.
It's exactlywhat you'd do.
I suck! Greg, I'm so sorry.
I am so- Like, you know, when you accidentally hit a guy in a crosswalk sorry.
- Like so sorry.
- I forgiveyou.
- Really? - Yes.
- Thankyou.
- You're welcome.
Greg, this secret's driving me crazy.
Look, why don'tyou just tell me what it is.
Because I promised not to say anything.
All right.
Well, how about this? How about we play charades and I guess? - That's good.
- Thankyou.
I'm really good at charades.
- Oh, you thinkyou're good.
Wait until you see me.
- Okay.
- Go! - Okay.
Fourwords.
Me.
My? My- My- My bird.
My, uh- My- My eagle.
My- My- My- My pigeon.
My, uh- My- My- My Ieft foot.
My pirate- Pirates ofiPenzance! Oh, Dharma, did you scratch my Pirates ofiPenzance album? Ants.
Uh, pair of ants.
Uh- Uh- Uh- Pair of ants- Pair of aunts, pair of aunts- Arsenic and Old Lace! Yes! No! Egg, eggie, eggie, eggs, egg white, egg white- egg yolks, yolks, uh- Myyolk, uh- Myyolks are separated.
Myyolks are separated! Why is that a secret? You know I like my omelets without the cholesterol.
You're in pain.
You're in pain.
You're tired.
Uh- Pillow- Uh, um- Broke up.
Broke up.
How hard is that? Wow.
You are so good.
- You're coming with me to San Francisco.
- I can't.
I've got a show to do.
It's your turn.
It's 4 to 6 Foot!