Dog with a Blog (2012) s01e19 Episode Script

All right.
Guys, this is really important.
Take a knee.
Uh, my knees don't bend like yours, so unless you want to hear a loud snap and invest in back wheels for me, I better sit.
Don't forget what's at stake here.
VIP tickets to the sold-out Rock-A-Palooza concert.
And for anyone over Wait.
If we add up all our ages, we're in! Yeah, we're in.
- Phones ready? - Ready.
DJ Big Dog's back.
I'm gonna eat your cat! Something about this guy really speaks to me.
Rock-A-Palooza tickets going to caller number 12.
- Go! - Go, go, go! Aah, it's busy! - Oh, mine's ringing! - I'm through! Chloe, you know that's the TV remote, right? Shh, I'm talking to Russia! Dimitri, is that you? Oh, I'm in! I'm in! Dang it! I got some pizza place! - I'm caller nine.
- I'm dialing the last number.
Right now, I'd give up super-hearing for one slim finger.
Pepperoni and mushroom.
Hey, do we want cheesy bread? This is no time for stupid questions! Of course we want cheesy bread! Hello, lucky caller 12! Who's barkin' at the big dog? This is Stan.
Well, Stan, eat my cat! You just scored the hottest tickets in town.
Forget the tickets.
I get to eat your cat?! Good news.
I was able to book us a whole series of spa treatments for our weekend.
Avocado mask, salmon oil rub, and seaweed wrap.
Are they massaging us or turning us into Sushi? Ellen, we're getting away from the kids for the weekend.
They could beat me with a bag of oranges for all I care.
Yeah, I don't think we should go.
What? Well, there's all this yogurt that expires in the next two days.
It has active cultures.
We don't want to come back to a fridge full of inactive yogurt.
Come on, Ellen.
You act like you've never been away from the kids before.
Don't tell me that my concern for our children is unhealthy.
I just think And don't tell me that our spending time alone together is important, because it's not.
- Excuse me, what? - No, I mean, it's important, of course.
But we'll have plenty of time for that when the kids have grown up and left the house.
Honey, now you're not making any sense.
Tyler is never gonna leave the house.
Look, my mother's gonna watch the kids while you and I get to spend a little quality time together.
It'll be fine.
Are you sure? Does she know the first thing about mothering? I mean look at the results she got raising her own children.
What? Not you.
Your brother the neurosurgeon with the two houses who does all the charity work, he's a hot mess.
I'll go pack.
I've never met my own grandparents, but my great-grandfather was a very respected inventor.
He came up with the butt scoot.
You're welcome.
Anyway, instead of the loving arms of a grandparent, I always had Robert, my stuffed orange monkey.
He was my best friend.
Like any good friend, he had a super-reinforced neck so I couldn't bite his head off.
Then one day he went missing and it broke my heart.
To this day, I wonder what became of him.
Did he join the circus? Did he buy a catamaran and sail around the world? Or did he get caught up in the cut-throat world of rhythmic gymnastics? Honey, come on.
Ellen.
Ellen.
Ellen! It's one night.
How many dresses do you have in there? These are my shoes.
My dresses are upstairs, can you get them for me? Okay, but we gotta hurry.
My mom will be here soon.
I know.
I saw the skies darken and heard a chicken shriek.
She's not that bad.
Oh, come say goodbye.
We are all gonna miss each other so much.
Wait, you guys are still here? I thought you left already.
Sweetheart, I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.
We're all going to miss each other so much.
You guys are still here? I thought you left already.
Oh, this is good.
Now if we get lost in the desert and wander for 40 years, you'll have an outfit for each day.
Fine, leave the little one behind.
That's mine! Kids, don't give grandma James a hard time while we're away.
But all she does is make us do chores.
Where's the carpet sweeper? Where's the dust pan? I don't know where they are! I don't know what they are! She seemed very sweet and quiet that one time I met her at the wedding.
We purposely sat her in the sun so she'd be tired.
Mom! Grandma James.
She's been around for 400 million years.
Wait, that's sharks.
I always get the two mixed up.
So good to see you.
Sweetheart! Just because you're a child psychologist, doesn't mean you have to wear child-sized shirts.
And Ellen, look at you.
Oh, not too close.
Whatever's keeping your hair so blond is burning my eyes.
I just love what you've done with the place.
Not many people would put four mismatched rugs in the same room.
It reminds me of an open-air bazaar in Marrakesh.
Dear Nora.
Still so full of Sweetness and love! Oh my gosh, there's a dog in here.
Yeah, this is Stan.
And he has free reign of the place? Aren't you afraid he'll pee on the rugs and make them worse? 32 mistakes and suddenly you're a rug-wetter? Let's go.
We need to get to the spa before the old guys hair up the hot tub.
Wait! We can still go to the concert tonight, right? - Yes, just be back by curfew.
- Yes! Nora, if you have any trouble, you know how to reach us.
Oh, please.
I can handle my grandchildren.
I may have aged a little, but my mind is still sharp.
I know everything and see everything Drain the life out of everything.
- And hear everything.
- Ah, ha ha.
- Kids, love you.
- Bye mom.
- Okay.
- Bye.
Be good.
See you tomorrow.
Don't open the door for strangers.
Watch out for weird mosquitoes.
Eat the yogurt.
The fruit's on the bottom! Okay, who's ready for some fun grandma-style.
You mean like this? When I was young, this was all farmland.
Oh, that's not what you meant.
How old do you think I am? Real old.
Like 30? Now I don't feel so bad.
Are these chores ever gonna end? At least we're not on the roof cleaning out the gutters, like Chloe.
The safety harness is too tight! You see how much dirt is under these rugs? Yes, that's why we keep the rugs here.
To hide the dirt.
This is so much fun spending time with you kids.
Yeah, I haven't seen them this happy since Chloe brought home head lice.
That's right, it was Chloe.
I'm sticking with that.
Okay, time to take a break.
- Yes! - Let's do calisthenics.
Touch your toes! I can't feel my toes! What is this disgusting thing? Oh, this is going straight into the trash.
Robert! I know what you're thinking.
Robert is an odd name for an orange monkey.
I bet she wishes those rugs were in here now.
What are we gonna do? When she wakes up, she's going to know Stan's secret.
She passed out.
There's a good chance she'll forget it ever happened.
The dog talked.
I said a good chance, not a great chance.
You kids ought to be ashamed of yourselves playing a trick on me like that! Making me think that dog was talking.
After all the fun we had.
The windows, the rugs! We played 1970s trivia.
I won, but you learned about Watergate.
Did I, grandma? Did I? The point is, you tried to make a fool of me.
And just for that, no concert tonight! - What?! - No! Grandma, we've been looking forward to that all year! - We dialed until our fingers were numb! - I called Russia! Enough! No concert.
I'm going to the kitchen and make a pie, then put it on the high shelf so you can't reach it.
- But grandma, I'm taller than - What? Nothing.
Stan! What were you thinking?! I don't know.
I saw Robert, and I couldn't help myself.
This is awful.
We're going to miss Rock-A-Palooza.
I'm sorry, I know how much this concert meant to you and I blew it.
It was going to be a once in a lifetime experience.
It was going to be my first concert.
It was going to be my fourth concert.
Oh, I feel horrible.
There's gotta be a way to fix this.
If you came back to me, Robert, anything's possible.
How many other dogs chewed on you while you were gone, Robert? No, no, I don't want to know.
I'm just glad you're back.
This is tough.
If I talk, she'll know my secret.
If I don't, the kids get blamed and miss their concert.
Oh, they're devastated about it and they're the greatest kids in the world.
What do I do? What do I do? What are you staring at? Could you give me a second? I'm wondering if I should talk.
There is an outside chance that I just made this worse.
Greatest kids in the world? Uh, could you come here for a sec? What happened?! - Stan, did you talk again?! - I was trying to help.
Do you know what you've done?! When she comes to, she's gonna be even more angry with us! Let's stay positive.
"If" she comes to.
- We have to revive her.
- Wait! I've heard it's safer not to touch someone in her condition until after the concert.
Tyler, we can't do that.
Can we? No, we can't.
Oh, no.
Oh, hey there, grandma.
Whatcha doing there on the floor? He talks.
He really can talk.
I've known how to talk for a while now, grandma.
I mean Stan.
At first, I thought you kids were pulling a trick on me, but now I know what's really happening.
I was afraid of this.
We all were.
Just please don't tell anyone he I'm losing my mind! Sorry, what? I'm going crazy! Unless you hear him, too? Because in that case, alert the media.
We've got the world's first talking dog.
I thought I was the world's first talking Oh.
- Did you hear that? - Uh, nope.
Nothing.
No reason to alert the media or anything.
Then it's true, I am hearing voices.
Seriously? We're running with this? Hey, this is kinda cool.
I can say whatever I want.
Guava.
Huh, that was random.
My subconscious is talking to me through a dog.
Apparently, I subconsciously want Guava.
But I don't like Guava.
Or do I? Ah, let them go to the concert.
You know what? You should go to the concert.
Really? Yes, you should go while you still know the difference between a concert and a sandwich.
This is a sandwich, right? Well, uh, we'll just get ready for the concert then.
We might be a little bit past curfew.
That's all right.
That's all right.
Great! Thank you! So I guess it's just you and me.
Yeah, we can chat over a nice, juicy steak.
And the canned ham that's been taunting me from the pantry.
You want to get me that canned ham.
Oh, my 9:30 is here, I have to go.
I am Greta.
Make yourself comfortable under the sheet.
- I will be right back.
- Okay.
No hurry.
Oh, just give me a sec.
You know what, I'm sneaking in a call to my kids.
Your husband doesn't want you talking to them while you're on vacation? - Bennett! - Give me the phone.
Look, I'm sure the kids are fine.
What are you so worried about? Meteors, locusts, fraternity boys going house-tipping.
- They don't do that.
- They could start.
Honey, we're here to relax.
Enjoy yourself.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
- Give me the phone.
- Mm! Dang it! I'm so sorry.
You know what? I'm away from my kids and I can't check in.
And I'm just so worried.
I'm a mother too, I totally understand.
How old are your kids, six months, a year? Yeah.
So, can I borrow your phone? Of course.
Oh, hey! My phone.
You'll get it back after her appointment.
Hey, grandma.
You couldn't sleep either? This seems so real, but I know it's just my subconscious talking to me through this dog.
I'm losing all my faculties.
And yet, the steaks were cooked to perfection.
- You know what saddens me the most? - That you couldn't get that ham opened? That I never really got close to my grand kids, and now it's too late.
Soon I'll be mistaking them for large, talking guavas.
- You don't even like Guava.
- I know! Well, maybe now's the time for you to be a better grandmother.
I thought I was being a good grandmother.
I thought we had such a good relationship.
But kids don't want chores from their grandmother.
They want hugs and kisses and embarrassing stories about their dad when he was a kid.
Oh, I bet the housekeeper has plenty of those.
Wait, I know what's happening.
My mind is telling me it's my fault I'm not closer to the kids.
Sure.
Go with that.
I've got to make it up to them.
With the little time I have left, I need to be as loving and nurturing as I can.
Speaking of can, there is still that ham up there.
Hey, you're old.
Were you there when the guy who invented ham first looked at a pig's butt and said, I gotta put some of that in my mouth? Why does my subconscious hate me? That concert last night was awesome! And those seats.
And those seats were so close to the speakers! Chloe, you don't need to yell.
I know! I can't hear you either! Hey, Stan, how's grandma? Does she still think she's losing it? Oh, yeah.
We had a long chat about it last night.
In fact, she's in the kitchen right now talking politics with the microwave.
I don't know.
This doesn't feel right.
Are you kidding? This is great.
Stan's secret is safe, we get to do what we want.
I just hope we can keep this cover-up going.
This is just like Watergate! I'm just saying, we pay taxes, they should fix the potholes.
- Hi, grandma.
- Oh, good.
You kids are up.
I owe you all an apology.
I'm sorry we're always doing chores and I haven't been the kind of grandma you want.
Hold that thought.
I'm talking to my grand kids.
Come, sit down.
I'm going to make it up to you.
I've got gifts you were going to get after I was gone.
But I've pretty much gone bananas now, so Grandma James, you don't have to do Now, Avery, grandma says she's gone bananas and she has presents for us.
Don't be rude.
For you, Chloe, I have an antique hair comb my mother gave to me.
Wow, grandma.
Is all your hair clipped in? And Avery, I know we haven't been in each other's lives very long, but I want to give you something that my grandma gave me when I was a little girl.
Grandma, it's beautiful.
Oh, is that you as a baby? That opens? Well, whoever it is, I love it.
And I have something extra-special for my firstborn grandchild.
The keys to my car.
- Your convertible? - It's a convertible? Oh, grandma, I don't know what to say.
I wish I could do better.
She's ten years old and there's almost 300 miles on her.
- Thank you! - I won't be using it.
The one thing I prided myself on was my sharp mind, but I guess that's over now.
I'm gonna go sit in the sun.
Turn me if I fall asleep.
This isn't not right.
You guys, the poor woman is devastated, she's broken.
We can't do this.
We can't accept any of these gifts and we have to tell her the truth.
But Avery, it's a convertible! I wanted to take it to the beach.
And I wanted to put the top down so I can feel the wind in grandma's hair.
You guys, it's not a time for a trip to the beach.
A trip to the Mall? It's time for a trip out to the patio to tell grandma the truth.
Can we at least drive there? What's going on? What are the cushions for? Grandma, we have something we need to tell you.
You're not going crazy.
Stan really can talk.
We can all hear him.
That's very sweet of you to try to make me feel better.
I think you're about to find out what the cushions are for.
He said, I think you're about to find out what the cushions are for.
Why'd you put the cushions over there? I didn't know which way she was gonna fall.
What am I, a lumberjack? This isn't you, is it? No.
Will you forget this ever happened if I let you call the kids? Sure, if you take your hands off her.
Go ahead, take the masseuse's phone.
I'm standing right here.
Shouldn't you be doing something? Once they fall asleep, I usually stop.
Avery! Can't talk right now! We have a situation! She can't talk right now! They have a situation! I bet fraternity boys have tipped the house! And you said it couldn't happen.
You get the car from the room, I'll drive the bags around front! Just so you know, she's usually Just like this.
So you actually talk? Yes, yes I do.
I also whistle and play a little harmonica.
This is unbelievable.
I know.
Harmonica's really tough when you don't have lips.
Who knows about this? Pretty much everybody who's ever played harmonica.
No, about you talking.
Nobody.
Not even mommy and daddy.
And we couldn't tell you because once the secret's out, we were afraid he'd be taken away and experimented on.
So why are you telling me now? Because we care too much about you to let you think you're losing your mind.
And we already went to the concert, so now it's okay.
Grandma, if you meant what you said about wanting to bond with us, this secret is the most important thing that we could even share.
Kids, oh, I can't tell you what this means to me.
I will cherish your secret, and I promise it will always be safe with me.
Preesh, grams.
Well, I guess I should give this back to you, huh? No, no, no.
You keep that.
I want you to have it.
And Chloe, you can keep the hair comb.
And the hair?! Of course.
And Tyler.
Sweet, sweet Tyler.
Give me my keys.
I want to thank you again for sharing your secret with me.
And here, Stan, I have something for you.
You replaced his hip and his knee.
Someday I hope I can return the favor.
Is everything okay?! What's the situation?! Everything's fine.
Everything's fine.
Spoken like someone who didn't have to pump gas in a loose robe with the Santa Ana winds blowing.
Hello? Does anyone speak German? Ya? Ya? Nein.
Greta wants her phone back.
They close at nine.
So now there's one more person out there who knows my secret.
But I'm not worried.
Grandma James turned out to be great.
I guess sometimes in order to find your heart, you have to lose your mind.
But one thing you never want to lose is your monkey.
Isn't that right, Robert? You'll always be the love of my Hello, squeaky hamburger.
What's your name?