Ducktales (1987) s01e19 Episode Script

Life is like a hurricane Here in Duckburg Racecars, lasers, aeroplanes It's a duck-blur Might solve a mystery Or rewrite history DuckTales, ooh-ooh Every day they're out there making DuckTales Ooh-ooh Tales of derring-do, bad and good-luck tales D-D-D-danger Watch behind you There's a stranger out to find you What to do? Just grab onto some DuckTales Ooh-ooh Every day they're out there making DuckTales Ooh-ooh Tales of derring-do, bad and good-luck tales Ooh-ooh Not ponytails or cottontails no, DuckTales Ooh-ooh Welcome to the grand opening of the McDuck Bank of Duckburg, a bank so safe, if you lose your money, it's not our vault.
What makes your bank so safe, Mr.
McDuck? This - the Anti-Beagle Boy Burglar Alarm.
This alarm is so sensitive, if it hears, smells, or even glimpses a Beagle Boy How do you turn this thing off? I don't like the sound of that alarm.
Me neither, Bankjob, and Ma's gonna hate it.
I don't know, Babyface.
It's kind of a catchy tune.
Za-da-da-doo-da, doo-da Mr.
McDee's bank is being robbed.
We got to stop those thieves.
My bank! My beautiful new bank! Look what you've done! You nitwit! You've crashed your last chopper on my payroll! Nah, I'm good for a lot more.
Crashes hardly phase me.
You're fired! What? After I nearly killed myself for your grand opening? Launchpad, it's me - Doofus.
Launchpad, what's the matter? I'm finished.
Wiped out.
Without Mr.
McDee, my career, like my helicopter, is crashed.
But you can't quit.
You're a hero.
Everybody needs a hero sometime or other.
Look, we need a hero right here! Yeah Yeah Yeah! Poor little fella.
Here, kitty, kitty.
Don't be scared, little kitty.
I'll rescue you.
Come on, kitty, give me a break.
Yeow! Aah! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ow! Whew! Glad that's over.
Yeow! I guess rescuing cats isn't his thing.
Doofus, when will you get it through your chubby little skull that no one needs a hero nowadays? Well, he sure does.
He's gonna jump! Quick! You got to save him! Maybe we should call the police! No time for that! Go, hero, go! I'll take the stairs.
We got here just in time.
Stop, buddy! It's not worth it! Hey, are you kidding? I'm getting paid good money for this.
Now buzz off, buddy! Whoa-oa-oa-oa! Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa! Call the police! That little old lady just robbed the licorice store! These business cards were a good idea, little buddy.
Thanks.
Even heroes have to advertise.
Give one to everyone you meet, and when they need a hero, they'll call you.
Here, let me give you a hand, ma'am.
Oh, thank you, sonny.
My poor old legs just aren't what they used to be.
Ha-ha uh, what's your name, sonny? Launchpad McQuack, ma'am.
Hero for hire.
Just give me a call.
I'll take care of it all.
Well, you boys are very sweet.
Uh, bye now.
Huh.
Must be running home to tell her friends about me.
But, Ma, you should have seen it.
If one of us sets foot in that bank, every cop in town will know it.
Yeah, that Anti-Beagle Alarm puts out some sounds, Big Mama.
Now, now, boys, didn't I raise you all to use your heads? Yeah, sure.
Didn't I teach you to think things out, to be clever, creative? Yeah.
Clever And to never give up? Unless, of course, you're surrounded by the cops.
But, Ma, how we gonna rob a bank that's Beagle-proof? We simply hire someone else to rob it, without him knowing he's robbing it.
Sheesh.
He'd have to be pretty stupid.
Exactly! I don't understand it.
You gave out over 200 business cards.
And it wasn't easy.
Most people kept giving them back.
Launchpad McQuack, hero for hire.
This is Big House Studios calling.
Please hold for Mr.
Spielbig.
McQuack, Spielbig here.
I produce and direct movies for Big House Productions.
Soon as I saw your business card, I said, "That's the hero I want in my next picture.
" But I don't know how to act.
I don't want acting! I want action! That's what sells today - stunts, chases, plenty of adventure, derring-do - like it says on your card.
Well, yeah, sure, if that's what you want.
Who was that? Tell you on the way.
Come on.
- Are you ready, Mr.
McQuack? - I feel a little silly.
Oh, yeah.
What did I tell you, gentlemen? He was born to play the Webbed Wonder! You're right, Mr.
Spielbig.
He's perfect.
The perfect patsy, man.
Then it's agreed! We start shooting first thing in the morning.
But only if the cops show up.
A-ahem! Uh, which scene do you want to do first, Mr.
Spielbig? I feel the best way to start this movie is with the bank scene.
- Good.
Thank you, Mr.
Spielbig.
- Groovy idea.
Gosh, little buddy.
Me, a movie star! Before you know it, this face will be seen all over the world! Yeah.
On "wanted" posters.
Don't worry, J.
Q.
My bank has been rebuilt stronger than ever! I'll send someone to pick up your gold deposits today.
- Mrs.
Featherbee? - Yes, sir? Get me Launchpad right away.
- You gave him the ax, remember, sir? - Oh yeah.
Launchpad.
I wonder what he's doing.
Ready when you are, Mr.
Spielbig.
Now then, in this scene, the Webbed Wonder has just learned that the safe in this bank isn't safe.
So you've got to get all that money out of there fast.
Got it? - Here are your lines.
- Where will the camera be? Uh, inside the bank.
The little cameras on the walls.
We don't miss an angle.
"Never fear, the Webbed Wonder is here.
Give me all the money quick.
" Ready, and action! Never fear! I, uh uh - Well, where's the money? - Sorry, I forgot my lines.
Ad lib! Make something up! Just get the money! Er, get the scene right.
- Take two! - Action! It occurred to me, boys, that there are a lot of banks in this town.
Our Webbed Wonder can take the blame for robbing all of them.
Let me try it one more time.
I know I can do it better.
No, no, you were perfect! Perfect! That's a wrap! Let's get out of here! - How'd I do? - You were incredible.
A real hero.
Ooh, we've been robbed! OK, now in this scene, you rob the bank.
I mean, you rescue the money from another unsafe safe.
Again? Wouldn't it be more exciting if? It gets much more exciting later.
You'll love it.
Now, lights, camera action! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! More pathos! That's it! And cut! Yeah, like before, you save the money from this unsafe bank, and Yeah, yeah, but this time we do it my way.
Hey, where you going? What's that nut doing? Depositors and savers, lend me your ears! To keep your savings here, 'twould be a great risk.
To a safer place I take your money, and away I whisk! "Away I whisk"? This cat's gotta work on his lyrics.
Now, now, stop worrying, Mr.
McDuck.
They'll find out who the Webbed Wonder is and arrest him.
I already know who he is, Mrs.
Beakley.
That's what's got me worried.
I drove him to it.
- Well, who? - Launchpad McQuack.
McQuack? No! Yes! I can't let the police catch him.
He'll be locked up for life.
I'll just have to find him first.
That little Andy Dandy cracks me up.
Launchpad, look, your picture! Hey, that's some publicity Big House Studios is putting out for me.
"Webbed Wonder robs ninth bank.
" "Police comb Duckburg for the biggest thief since the Beagle Boys.
" I'm I'm not a hero! I'm a a crook! A fugitive! And now my movie career is over, too.
Wait a minute.
Those movie people are the real crooks! Yeah! I should have suspected something when my first paycheck bounced.
All you have to do is turn those crooks in.
Come on! No, you stay here.
I don't want you involved in this, little buddy.
I'm gonna tell the police I was just playing along with those bums to get the goods on them.
I'll be free and clear.
What if they don't believe you? Hey, little buddy, you're forgetting what a terrific actor I am.
Morning, Officer.
Launchpad McQuack's the name.
I, uh Excuse me.
It's for you! Hello? When you didn't show up for work this morning, we got worried.
So we came over and found your chubby little friend! I'm sorry, Launchpad.
I told them you went to the police.
Did they hurt you? They tortured me, Launchpad! They ate my pancakes! Those rats.
Keep your mouth shut to the cops, McQuack! And be at the studio in costume in ten minutes, or chubbo here is gonna be a pancake! He's falling right into our trap! One more phone call, and the short, dumb career of the Webbed Wonder is over.
So, what did you want to tell me? Uh a joke.
I know a burglar who was so successful, he quit making house calls.
Yuk-yuk! See ya.
- "Yuk" is right.
- Hello, police? I know where you can find that horrible Webbed Wonder person.
None of his friends have seen him for weeks.
That's him! I'd recognize that helicopter anywhere! Turn around, Duckworth! Don't lose him! Yo, little buddy? Gosh, I've looked everywhere.
Come on out, Webbed Wonder! You're surrounded! Over there, Duckworth! Stop! Don't shoot! He's a friend of mine! Gee, Mr.
McDee still believes in me.
But I'll never get his money back, or save Doofus, if I'm locked up for life.
Say, that's it! Life! You'll never take me alive! Launchpad, what are you saying? He's getting away! Launchpad! Poor Launchpad.
It's all my fault.
Boy, that automatic pilot crashes almost as good as I do.
Don't worry, Doofus, little buddy.
I won't let you down.
I'll rescue you.
I'll be your hero.
I'll I'll be arrested if I don't put some clothes on.
Ah, to think he was sitting here, all by his chubby little self, stuffing his chubby little face when Say, what's this? He spelled something out in maple syrup.
"Beagle Buys.
" Beagle Buys? Beagle Boys! So that's who's behind it all! Mr.
McDee's Anti-Beagle Boy Burglar Alarm will lead me right to him.
One cup flour two eggs one chainsaw.
Mm! What's cooking, Ma? Oh, these are for your less-fortunate brothers who are still in the slammer.
There's, um, custard crowbar pie, pumpkin pistol popovers, and my favorite - chocolate chainsaw surprise.
Ow! No! At last.
It's picking up something.
Knock it off, or I'll tie you all up just like little lardo here.
It's the stooge! Launchpad Not a sound, fatso, or your friend gets it! It's you! Oh! Well, if it isn't that nice young man who helped me across the street.
Come in.
Sit down.
Take a load off your mind! What are you doing way out here? Thanks.
I've been searching high and low for a friend of mine.
A roly-poly kid, about as big as this lamp here.
He was kidnapped by the Beagle Boys.
Ever heard of them? Uh, Beagle Boys? Oh, they sound cute.
Ooh, gracious! How did that file get in there? When I get my hands on those Beagles, I'm gonna Say, those fellas look a lot like Beagle Boys.
Doofus! This is a huckleberry hand-grenade cake, McQuack! Try anything funny, and I'll blow the frosting out of you! They're getting away with our loot! - Buckle up, boys! - After them! I knew you'd save me.
I knew it! All part of being a hero, little buddy.
Well, if that will be all, Officer, I'd better go home and break the terrible news.
Whoa! See what happens when you don't wear your seatbelts? Surprise, Mr.
McDee.
Launchpad! You're alive! I'm going to kill you! You did it, Launchpad! You are a hero! You rescued me and got back all of Mr.
McDuck's money.
You ought to hire him back again, Mr.
McDuck.
Heck, he ought to give me a raise.
Thanks for not pressing charges, Mr.
McDee.
I was what you call duped, you know? Aye, nobody knows better than I what a dupe you are.
That's why you can come back to work for me.
Well, uh, what about that raise? Of course not! I was already paying you twice what you're worth.
All right, I'll work for half as much as before.
Not a penny less.
You got to get up pretty early in the morning to dupe this duck.