Ed (2000) s01e19 Episode Script
Window of Opportunity
1 Hey.
-Hey.
-Mike, guess what I got behind my back.
Do I have to? -Oh, yeah.
-A cello? -No.
What do you know? Where'd you find that? -In the back.
I've been looking for this thing ever since I bought the place.
-What is it? It's my old lucky ball.
-It's his old fruity ball.
I used to bowl with this thing when I was a kid.
That's sweet.
That is sweet.
It is very sweet.
Very sweet indeed that Ed Stevens used to bowl with a woman's ball.
-It's not a woman's ball.
Why, just 'cause it's pink? -The engraving on the ball says "Fran Jesperson.
" Fran.
-We agreed long ago that the name Fran was gender ambiguous.
( applause ) You're gender ambiguous.
Hey, Phil, what's going on? Our young Lothario here has vowed to ask his paramour for her hand in marriage if and only if he bowls a strike on this next ball.
Really? -That is so romantic.
Ed, you know what you should do? -What? Lend him your ball.
You know, for a little Lady Luck.
Emphasis on "Lady.
" -Excuse me.
Wait.
Excuse me.
-Hi.
I'm Ed Stevens.
I own Stuckey Bowl.
-Hi.
I'm Ari.
Nice lanes.
Appreciate that.
Look, this here's my lucky ball.
So if you'd like to use it, it's all yours.
Okay, cool.
Thanks.
( laughs ) Oh, my God, he's really going to do it.
It's got to be some kind of joke.
Barbara will you marry me? Yes.
( applause ) ( rhythm guitar playing ) I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watching the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
.
:: Prijevodi - Online ::.
Ed.
-Yeah? We want to get married right here.
-What? We want to get married right here at Stuckey Bowl.
You when? This Saturday night.
( cheering ) And you're all invited.
( enthusiastic cheering ) You can't get married because you bowl a strike.
You can't get married because you bowl a strike.
Will you please agree with me? I agree with you.
Okay, then.
WARREN: I'm going to tell you a little something.
To please a woman, one must employ a skillful blend of tenderness and raw power.
Cheswick, it's been three weeks since you were up on that mountain with Donna Totsie.
I'm getting sick of hearing about it.
Ah, Mark, my fine, virginous friend.
Yeah, jealousy doesn't suit you.
My guess is, you didn't lay a hand on her.
( laughing ) Well, unfortunately, I'm too much the gentleman to convey the details of my interlude although I will let on that I experimented with certain maneuvers heretofore attempted only in the Orient.
Yeah, one-man maneuvers.
Once on HBO I saw a woman who had a 90-minute orgasm.
MARK: Oh, lookey, lookey.
Here's your little friend now.
WARREN: Ah, I had a feeling we might run into her here.
What, she didn't call you last night to tell you where she was going to be? No, it's not that kind of relationship, okay? Now you-you guys just try to act cool for once in your life, all right? ( sighs ) Hey, Donna.
( clicks tongue ) Hi.
( laughing ) MARK: She's probably still shuddering from the tenderness of your touch.
Shut up.
( chuckling ) Mr.
Stevens.
Yeah.
Could you put these shoes in a safe place till the wedding? Yeah.
So, you guys are really thinking about going through with this, huh? I bowled a strike.
Yeah.
It's fate.
Can't turn your back on fate.
( chuckling ) Fate, well, I mean wh-wh-what if I what if I took this coin, and I flipped it and I said, "If it comes up heads then you shouldn't get married"? Okay, but you know what I mean.
How old are you guys? We're 22.
ED: How long have you known one another? BARBARA: Six months.
Yeah look, Ari, Barbara I-I'm just a guy, okay? Just a guy named Ed.
I'm just a guy named Ed who happens to be a lawyer.
I'm just a guy named Ed who happens to be a lawyer happens to run a bowling alley.
I'm just a guy named Ed Ed.
What? Right.
Don't do this.
Don't get married because you happened to bowl a strike, okay? Get married because you've spent a lot of time with one another.
You've gotten to know one another.
Get married because you're absolutely positive that you're meant to spend the rest of your life together.
You get married because the thought of living without one another is absolutely unbearable.
Get married for these reasons.
Okay, not because you bowled a strike.
Do you understand what I'm saying? -Yes.
Okay.
ARI: But you're forgetting something.
What's that? -I bowled a strike.
Excuse me.
Will you folks be needing a huppa? Okay, before we finish up today we need a new literary quote of the week for our board.
Anyone? Come on.
Anything based on any of the reading that we've done this year.
No? Mr.
Vanacore, how about you? You have yet to grace us with a quote of the week.
Mark? "Just do it"? ( laughter ) Not exactly what I was looking for, but not bad under pressure.
Ms.
Vesey, excellent lesson plan today.
It was organized, concise and you're really starting to come into your own.
Thank you very much, Warren.
Yeah, so, listen you know how, um, like, I'm a great lover, right? Pardon me? I'm just saying that you probably just assumed based on the way I comport myself.
I'm going to agree because I feel that that will make this conversation end more quickly.
Right.
Uh so, there's this girl Donna Totsie.
Whoa.
How do you do that? You're like Kreskin or something.
It's like I'm sitting here naked.
Warren, I'm not blind.
I heard about your little weekend up on the mountain.
Yeah, well, I I think I blew it with her.
Why is that? The window closed on me, Ms.
Vesey.
The-the window? Of opportunity.
The window of opportunity.
I was up on the mountain, and it was open, and I choked.
I blew it.
You're going to have to give me a little more to go on here.
Well, what I'm trying to say is nothing happened.
See, I We didn't even kiss or anything.
It's, like, all we did was talk and stuff.
What's wrong with talking? No.
Oh, you don't understand.
Nothing.
Nothing's wrong with talking.
Talking is great.
I mean, but like I mean, after you talk you got to, like start kissing and stuff, or else that's when the window closes, you see? And once the window closes, that's it! I mean, it's never going to open up again.
-I see.
Yesterday, I ran into her, and she just, like, dusted me.
She just, like, walked right by me.
I was, like, "What's up?" Warren did it ever occur to you that she's worried her window of opportunity with you has closed? Whoa.
( gasps ) ( knocking ) Yeah.
Ed Stevens? Yeah.
Jamie Masters.
Hey.
Uh, Twizzler? Uh, no, thanks, I-I'm good.
Oh.
( both chuckling ) Can I help you with something, Mr.
Masters? Oh, I-I need to get a restraining order against my brother.
Oh.
Sure.
Have a seat.
So, what seems to be the problem? He's ruining my life.
How so? Ed, I have a weight problem.
Oh, I-I mean, I don't Come on, I'm a fat guy.
Okay.
Now I've been on every diet known to man.
Fiber bars, breakfast shakes, liquid protein low carbs, high carbs.
I've tried it all.
Never any luck.
-Well losing weight can be difficult.
-So, a couple of months ago, my doc tells me I'm one burrito away from exploding.
-Really? He said that? Ah, not exactly.
I'm being colorful.
-I see.
-But I get his point.
You know, if I don't turn it around, it's bye-bye, Birdie.
Well, how does this involve your brother? Well, I'm upset, so I go to my brother Steve and I give him carte blanche.
Carte blanche? -I told him that until I lose 30 pounds he has carte blanche to do anything he wants to stop me from eating badly.
What does that mean exactly? -I told him even if I change my mind even if I beg him to leave me alone, don't stop.
My life's at stake.
You know, he has to do whatever he needs to do to prevent me from eating badly.
-So, why the restraining order? Well, the whole thing's gotten out of hand.
It started with a polite reminder, then Oh, my God.
He followed me here.
-Followed you here to see if you'd eat a Twizzler? He's got a baseball bat! Quick for a big guy.
JAMIE: Wait! Stop! That's my brand-new Taurus! You like Twizzlers, Jamie, huh? Go ahead, eat 'em up! JAMIE: I-I'm throwing them out.
Okay? Too little, too late, tubby, huh? I've got a very interesting job.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Mr.
Masters? Steve Masters? You're the guy from the bowling alley.
-Yeah, Ed Stevens.
I'm, uh, your brother, Jamie's attorney, actually.
He got a lawyer? -Yeah.
-Why? Because you smashed up his car, among other things.
Look, I know Jamie asked you for help losing weight, but you're taking things too far.
You've got to stop doing this stuff.
I've got to stop doing this stuff? Look, my brother's standing at a fork in the road.
Either he loses weight or he dies.
And I'll tell you this, he's not dying on my watch.
Okay, but do you think you can come up with something a little more productive than humiliating him and destroying his property? Hey, he asked me to do this.
He made me promise to do this and I intend to live up to my promise.
Look, no matter how good your intentions may be what you're doing is still illegal.
If you don't stop, I'm going to have to take you to court.
Illegal? -Yeah.
-I don't think it's illegal.
-Sure, it is.
I have a signed contract from Jamie.
-What? -That's right.
I'd be happy to send you a copy.
Spells it all out in black and white.
Jamie has given me the legal right to do anything and everything to stop him from overeating.
It stipulates the contract remains valid even if he changes his mind.
Huh.
How can you say that Jim Morrison was not a poet? I didn't say that, Mark.
I didn't say that.
What I said was that when I assign you to memorize a classic American poem you can't just walk in here and recite "Riders on the Storm.
" -Why not? It's beautiful.
( bell rings ) Okay, Lizard King.
That's all for today.
Class dismissed.
WARREN: Hey, Donna.
Hey, Donna.
-Yeah? Hey, I was, I was, like, curious about something.
-What's that? Well, I just wanted to ask you a question.
I just bounce an idea off you.
-Okay.
Whenever you have the time.
-Go ahead.
'Cause I-I could-- we could-- set something up or Okay, uh sorry.
Okay, um, I was just thinking if you were interested in Hey, Warren.
Oh, hey, Jess! Hey, wow, uh oh Jess, this is, um Donna.
Yeah, we know each other.
Oh Linda told me you really did spend that weekend up on the precipice.
Yes.
That's pretty cool.
Cool, yeah.
Uh, I suppose you could say it was cool.
But, um, for me the word that springs to mind is "epiphanous.
" What do you mean? Jessica, as I stood atop that mountain with the majesty of God's creation at my feet life's biggest questions suddenly made their answers known unto me.
Like, what questions? Like, "Who are you?" I mean, I know I know you're Jessica Martell but, like, who are you? I don't know.
Exactly.
Exactly.
That's it.
And I do know.
So, who are you? Who am I? Mm-hmm.
I'm Warren Cheswick.
But not just Warren Cheswick.
I'm Warren Cheswick.
You know? Well, that's, that's awesome.
It was awesome.
It was intense.
Well, I got to go to French class.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
Yeah, catch you later.
So, I The window it is closed.
Oh Now, Mr.
Stevens, perhaps your client ought to explain what his brother has done to necessitate this restraining order.
Oh, of course.
Go ahead, Jamie.
Thanks, Your Honor.
( clears throat ) January 10, I ate a Pop Tart.
Steve flushes my best pair of dress socks down the toilet.
January 16 I eat a slice of pizza.
Steve spray-paints the words "Captain Tubby" on my front door.
January 21, I consume a few too many individual servings of pudding and Steve burns my entire collection of Jack London first editions.
Good-bye, Call of the Wild.
Adios, White Fang.
Please, lower your voice, huh? I'm sorry.
February 3, I take one bite out of a pound cake-- one bite, so help me God, Your Honor.
Steve calls the guy who works in the cubicle next to me imitates my voice and asks him out on a date.
February 9 Oh, that's enough.
Thank you, uh, Mr.
Masters.
Have you exhausted all non-legal methods to stop your brother from harassing you? I wouldn't be here if I hadn't.
Yeah, all right.
Uh I'm going to issue a restraining order effective immediately.
Thanks, Your Honor.
Thank you.
Come on.
Hug the fat guy.
How are the wedding plans going? All according to schedule.
When did you become the sworn enemy of crazy, romantic spontaneity? I thought that was your, your deal.
It is, I just want the both of them to wait, you know? At least until they're sure they were meant to be together.
I don't want them to make the same mistake I did.
Marrying Liz? Yeah.
How did you guys end up together, anyway? She was my dental hygienist.
We fell in love while she was showing me the proper flossing technique.
Seriously? No.
I just didn't want to deprive you of the super cute meeting story.
No, she was, uh, she was friends with Bruce Cawhill, my law school roommate and he set us up.
The minute we laid eyes on one another it was, like boom! Really? Yeah, we had one of those first dates where you end up staying up all night, staring into one another's eyes.
Mmm.
Four months later, we were engaged.
Four months? Yeah.
Wow! Four-- I had no idea.
Yeah, it took another three years before we knew each other well enough to realize we didn't belong together.
I don't want these kids to make the same mistake, that's all.
Look, I can see that you have a point but what if you're wrong? What if Barbara and Ari are actually perfect for each other and they're supposed to live happily ever after? If I'm wrong, they can wait a couple years, then get married.
Yeah, but sometimes in relationships there's this, this window of opportunity.
And, and if you miss it Eddie! ED: Hey.
Jamie.
Jamie Masters, Carol Vessey.
Carol Vessey, Jamie Masters.
Hi.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
You gave me my life back.
See, there comes a point in time when you've got to realize, you are what you are.
I'm overweight.
So what? You know, there are worse things to be.
STEVE ( over megaphone ): Ladies and gentlemen please direct your attention to the giant fat guy in the blue windbreaker.
My God would you look at that fat ------- eat? Would you look at him? Does this look like a guy who needs to be pounding down hot dogs? Eat, you fat -------, eat.
He can't do this.
He's violating the restraining order.
You're violating the restraining order.
Screw the restraining order.
Forget the restraining order.
I'm taking him to court.
I want my car fixed.
I want emotional damages.
I want it all.
I'm taking him to court.
I am taking him to court.
Okay, calm down, Jamie.
We'll, we'll work this out.
Next question have you gotten your blood tests? No, we were going to go to the clinic tomorrow.
-Not necessary, my friend.
I have an old summer camp buddy who can take care of this for you.
What you're going to do is go down to the filling station at the corner of Forbes and Murray.
CAROL: Hey, guys.
-Beep me.
Hey.
BARBARA: Hi.
So, guys, we have the most perfect idea for our wedding.
What's that? -My best man's going to be Colonel Sanders.
The chicken guy.
Isn't that an amazing idea? -Wow, isn't he dead? Yeah.
-No, no, you're thinking of Arthur Treacher.
BOTH: Oh.
Yeah Yeah, yeah.
All right.
I don't think I can do this.
CAROL: Do what? Participate in this wedding.
-Why not? You hear those kids out there? -Yeah.
They want Colonel Sanders to be their best man.
-Yeah.
-Colonel Sanders? So? -This is marriage we're talking about.
They're not taking the whole thing serious enough.
Marriage, the blessed union, the sacrament, man and woman.
Do the words "Till death do us part" ring any bells with you? Yeah, I'm so confused.
In marriage, you don't throw a fanciful restaurant mascot into the proceedings.
Ed? What? This just doesn't sound like you.
Aw, I just don't want to sit idly by and watch these two kids gallop down the road towards misery, that's all.
Colonel Stupid Sanders.
I think that you're missing the point here.
I'm missing the point? I'm missing the point? Yep, little bit.
How? What do you think the point is? I think the point is, it's not a bad thing to want Colonel Sanders at your wedding.
It's a bad thing if only one of you wants to have Colonel Sanders at your wedding.
PHIL: Okay.
They got me.
I let down my guard, and they got me.
I've decided to take care of the catering F.
O.
C.
F.
O.
C.
? Free of charge.
And if you repeat that, I will deny it.
There are reasons why people in this town need to think of Phil Stubbs as a soulless merchant of fear.
Oh.
( bell rings ) Donna, Donna.
Yeah? Hey.
Look, uh what I was going to ask you before was um, will you? Here's the question.
Um Will I what? Will you go out with me Saturday night? Okay.
Really? Excellent.
Oh, yes.
Okay, um uh, yeah.
Saturday night.
Saturday night.
Okay.
Hey, she said Oh hey, Donna.
Um, just so we're clear on this, um, when I say "go out" I mean, like, on a date, and not just as friends.
Yeah, I kind of figured.
Awesome.
'Cause, you see, my buddy, Mark Vanacore he's got this theory And he was, like, "Dude your window's closed.
" And I was, like, "Okay, son, look I think you've been watching a little too much Mars-Venus, you know.
-What? Mars-Venus, it's the TV show that dumped Cybill Shepherd.
Remember, in, like You're starting to lose me here.
8:00, Park Theater.
-Okay.
Okay.
See you then.
Yeah.
Your Honor, my client Steve Masters is charged with violating a restraining order that I believe should not be upheld.
Why? Because his so-called harassment of his brother Jamie, comes at Jamie's own request.
Jamie asked Steve to sign a contract promising to do whatever it took to stop him from overeating.
And I quote, "no matter how much I protest.
" You see, Your Honor Jamie knew there would come a time when his will would weaken and he would want Steve to stop.
So now Steve follows his instructions not to stop and Jamie sues him.
Doesn't make any sense.
Mr.
Stevens.
Your Honor, it's not the restraining order that's invalid.
It's the so-called contract.
When Jamie asked Steve to help him lose weight he never imagined Steve would take things as far as he did.
Destruction of valuable personal property public humiliation.
Surely the law cannot protect this type of behavior.
JUDGE: Thank you, Mr.
Stevens.
We'll begin with witnesses tomorrow morning.
In the meantime, Mr.
Masters don't forget that there's still a restraining order with your name on it.
Yes, Your Honor.
( gavel pounds ) Ah.
Should I get the kind for sensitive skin or the kind for super-sensitive skin? Since when do you need to shave? Kevin, you haven't even hit puberty yet.
You look like a newborn brine shrimp.
Hey, Warren, don't forget these.
Whoa, whoa.
Mark, I'm not going to need condoms.
We're just going to the movies.
Besides, my mom shops here so can you get rid of those? These are the kind that Jeff Goldblum uses.
I read it in Esquire.
Hey.
Big weekend.
( over P.
A.
): I need a price check over here.
No! How much is the Ultra Shave Gel? It's cheap.
Steve, Mr.
Samuels.
STEVKnock it off Hey,over there.
i My client wishes to settle this case.
No way, no how.
Steve, you should listen to what we have to say.
You're not going to win in court.
JAMIE: We're brothers.
We don't belong in a court of law.
How crazy is this? Look, I'm willing to forget about the money and the damages if you'll just agree to stop harassing me.
ED: You can't win, Steve.
There's no way the judge will uphold this contract.
Will you boys excuse us for a moment? I need to talk to my brother.
He's right.
I'm probably going to lose in court.
But lucky for me, we ain't going back to court.
What do you mean? I bought myself a little insurance policy.
A 30-second commercial on tomorrow night's local news.
If you don't drop this case and let me keep helping you lose weight the whole town's going to see this.
What is it? I'll see you later, Jamie.
So? Do you have a VCR in your office? Come on.
You sure you don't want to watch this yourself? No.
You're my lawyer.
Plus, I don't have any skeletons in the closet.
I've got Ring Dings in the pantry but no skeletons in the closet.
That's my house.
That's me.
I yeah.
He's going to run this on TV? If he does that, we'll sue him.
We're already suing him.
If he runs this on TV I'll be the laughingstock of the community.
We got to drop the case.
We can't do that, Jamie.
This is blackmail.
If you let him get away with this it'll just get worse.
Trust me, we'll deal with this in court.
Now we really need to start focusing on party favors.
You know, little keepsake, knickknack for your guests to take home.
Oh, I don't think we need that.
Now, my cousin Jeal can engrave absolutely anything.
He once put a bride's initials on a cocker spaniel's ---.
The man's an artist and I will give him a holler.
CAROL: Hi, guys.
Hi.
Hey, Barbara.
Hey, Ari.
Guys, we've got some bad news.
What's that? Colonel Sanders can't be our best man.
No.
Really? He died in 1980.
Gosh.
Hmm.
They sent us a coupon for free honey barbecue wings.
Hey, look, you guys you know, I don't mean to sound like a broken record on the subject but I'm just not certain you're taking this whole thing seriously enough.
Sure, Ed.
We could hold off for awhile.
Maybe in a way that's the wise thing to do.
But I feel like for whatever reason we've been given this magic moment.
And I don't want to just sit around being wise until that moment passes.
Yeah, but if the magic were to pass that quick maybe you shouldn't be getting married.
I think you're missing my point.
Look, Ed If you want us to have our wedding somewhere else just tell us.
Ari, it's not that I want you to get married somewhere Don't be ridiculous.
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course you're getting married here and you know what? It's going to be the greatest bowling alley wedding ever.
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
There you go.
All right.
Take it easy.
Bye now.
What are you doing? If they're going to marry they may as well get married here.
What chance do you really think this has of working out? About as good a chance as any marriage.
Maybe better.
Look at them.
Oh.
Yeah, I know.
But I just think that they should Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't.
Who knows? Things go wrong for all kinds of reasons.
But who are we to stand in the way of something that is so obviously meant to be.
Well, I don't think they should split up.
I just think they should wait.
Waiting has its own set of problems.
What if they start thinking too much? What if they start second-guessing everything? There's such a thing as being too cautious, isn't there? first came to you with this crazy "contract" Objection.
We don't think it's crazy and we think it's a contract, not a "contract.
" Sustained.
What was your brother's state of mind? Upset, confused? Yeah, he was upset.
He'd tried every diet known to mankind and failed.
He even tried that guy Jared's thing from Subway but he didn't have any luck so he came to me for help.
And you proceeded to spend the next few months humiliating him and destroying his property.
That's what he asked me to do.
That's what he asked you to do? Really? So he asked you to smash his car with a baseball bat? He asked you to follow him around with a loudspeaker? He asked you to videotape him eating without a shirt on in the privacy of his home and threatened to put it on the news? He asked you to do all these things? Well, not those things exactly, but You and I both know that when your brother came to you for help he did not plan on any of this happening, am I right? I don't know.
You don't know? Nothing further.
Did you, in fact, do all those things to your brother? Yes.
Why? His cholesterol is 450.
His triglycerides are over 300.
He's a borderline diabetic.
If he continues to eat the way he's eating my brother will die.
Steven Masters I believe that you care very deeply about your brother.
And in some circles your actions could be considered noble.
But unfortunately, the law is not one of those circles.
As Mr.
Stevens has argued the agreement between the two of you does not constitute a binding contract.
Therefore this court rules that you must stop harassing your brother immediately.
However, because of your good intentions I'm dropping any claim for damages against you.
This time.
Dismissed.
Do ( clearing throat ) Do you do you enjoy going to the cinema? Yes, Warren, I enjoy going to the cinema.
Me, too.
I also like going to the movies.
Oh, I To touch e uh, touche.
Warren, you don't need to be nervous around me.
Okay.
Hello.
Welcome to Park Theater.
What can I get for you today? We'd like two medium sodas and two small popcorns, please.
This is a small.
That's a small? Mm-hmm.
Okay, we'll take two mediums then.
For a dollar less you get the large.
All right, we'll have the large popcorn and two medium sodas.
You've got to make one of the sodas a large to get the combo.
Okay, like we can't eat that much popcorn and drink that much soda, you understand that? For the love of God, no one can.
You see these two containers right here? Yeah.
These right here represent your best value.
If you want to buy 32 of these little guys be my guest, go ahead.
I'm just trying to protect you from yourself.
Do you even want popcorn? No, okay, we'll take this whatever.
Just take this.
Thanks.
It's expensive.
All right, you go ahead.
I think Jessica Martell likes you, you know? What? No way.
I'm serious.
I saw the way she was looking at you during group project.
No way.
That's Really? No.
No, I'm telling you.
I'm not here with Jessica Martell.
I'm here with Donna Totsie, so Thank you.
You know, Donna a woman is like a flower.
You have to feed her and water her or else ( yells ) Oh, my God.
( alarm blares ) Oh, man.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
It's cool, it's cool.
A sneaker caught in the escalator.
Oh, my God.
A foot caught in the escalator.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, could you? Excuse me, could you stop? Okay, okay, don't move, okay? Don't go anywhere.
All right.
Could you tell the manager to turn off the escalator has my It's going to eat my foot.
That's cool, though.
It's cool.
Walk on by.
Hey, have a good night.
I'm just caught in the escalator.
MAN: We come here today to honor Barbara and Ari in this blessed event.
Hold on! Hold on! Heck, you can't have a wedding without a best man.
Thanks, Ed.
You guys screw this marriage up I'll have to hunt you down and kill you.
We won't.
I know you won't.
I had a really great time tonight.
Really? I mean, cool.
Yeah, cool.
Me, too.
Any date that involves the Jaws of Life can't be that bad, right? Unless you were in a car accident.
Warren, um, how how come you never kissed me on top of Mt.
Precipice.
Oh, that's that's a great question really.
I I just I don't know.
I was looking for a sign or something.
Like a signal.
Oh, I just figured you weren't interested in me.
What?! No, no, no, no.
That's crazy.
I I'm I'm very interested in you.
I possess a great level of interest in you.
You just needed a signal? Yeah, you know, 'cause then like I thought I thought I missed my window of opportunity 'cause you and I never like, you know kissed up there or anything.
So I figured it was over and we'd just be friends and stuff.
Mm-hmm.
You just needed a signal? Yeah.
Like just like a look or a tap on the shoulder that said "hey, Warren, now is a good time to kiss me here.
" Like, like something like that.
Warren, shh.
Stop talking.
Okay.
All right, cool.
Cool.
Good night.
Good night.
Whew.
Call me unpredictable Tell me I'm impractical Rainbows I'm inclined to pursue Call me irresponsible Just like to say to the bride and groom may your love and happiness last a lifetime.
Yes, I'm unreliable But it's undeniably true I'm irresponsibly mad for you.
Ooh, I'm irresponsibly mad For you.
You know, you really should consider keeping Stuckey Bowl open for weddings more often.
I don't know.
One may be enough.
Not many people want to get married in a bowling alley.
You think? It's sort of nice.
As a matter of fact, when I get married I'm considering doing it right here at the old Stuckey Bowl.
-Hey, no problem.
You know, as long as it's not league night.
I think those kids are really in love.
Yeah, so do I.
But then again, who knows? 'Cause it's all just one big crap shoot anyway.
I guess you're right.
You can only be so sure, you know what I mean? You just got to take the plunge let the chips fall where they may.
I think I just used two cliches in the same sentence.
Does this mean you're coming around on fate? Fate? I'm a big believer in fate.
In fact If I bowl a strike I'm going to ask you to marry me.
Is that so? Mm-hmm.
What's that? -That's me moving to the edge of my seat.
It gives me a chance to pick up the spare.
What that's going to get you? -One night of unbridled lovemaking.
Oh, dream on.
Dream on.
-Come on, it's fate.
( laughing ) It's fate.
I don't even want to but it's fate.
There's nothing we can do.
-You don't even want to.
-I don't want.
You are messing with the pin gods here and I will not be a party to it.
I'm serious.
I'm serious, too.
-Hey.
-Mike, guess what I got behind my back.
Do I have to? -Oh, yeah.
-A cello? -No.
What do you know? Where'd you find that? -In the back.
I've been looking for this thing ever since I bought the place.
-What is it? It's my old lucky ball.
-It's his old fruity ball.
I used to bowl with this thing when I was a kid.
That's sweet.
That is sweet.
It is very sweet.
Very sweet indeed that Ed Stevens used to bowl with a woman's ball.
-It's not a woman's ball.
Why, just 'cause it's pink? -The engraving on the ball says "Fran Jesperson.
" Fran.
-We agreed long ago that the name Fran was gender ambiguous.
( applause ) You're gender ambiguous.
Hey, Phil, what's going on? Our young Lothario here has vowed to ask his paramour for her hand in marriage if and only if he bowls a strike on this next ball.
Really? -That is so romantic.
Ed, you know what you should do? -What? Lend him your ball.
You know, for a little Lady Luck.
Emphasis on "Lady.
" -Excuse me.
Wait.
Excuse me.
-Hi.
I'm Ed Stevens.
I own Stuckey Bowl.
-Hi.
I'm Ari.
Nice lanes.
Appreciate that.
Look, this here's my lucky ball.
So if you'd like to use it, it's all yours.
Okay, cool.
Thanks.
( laughs ) Oh, my God, he's really going to do it.
It's got to be some kind of joke.
Barbara will you marry me? Yes.
( applause ) ( rhythm guitar playing ) I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watching the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
.
:: Prijevodi - Online ::.
Ed.
-Yeah? We want to get married right here.
-What? We want to get married right here at Stuckey Bowl.
You when? This Saturday night.
( cheering ) And you're all invited.
( enthusiastic cheering ) You can't get married because you bowl a strike.
You can't get married because you bowl a strike.
Will you please agree with me? I agree with you.
Okay, then.
WARREN: I'm going to tell you a little something.
To please a woman, one must employ a skillful blend of tenderness and raw power.
Cheswick, it's been three weeks since you were up on that mountain with Donna Totsie.
I'm getting sick of hearing about it.
Ah, Mark, my fine, virginous friend.
Yeah, jealousy doesn't suit you.
My guess is, you didn't lay a hand on her.
( laughing ) Well, unfortunately, I'm too much the gentleman to convey the details of my interlude although I will let on that I experimented with certain maneuvers heretofore attempted only in the Orient.
Yeah, one-man maneuvers.
Once on HBO I saw a woman who had a 90-minute orgasm.
MARK: Oh, lookey, lookey.
Here's your little friend now.
WARREN: Ah, I had a feeling we might run into her here.
What, she didn't call you last night to tell you where she was going to be? No, it's not that kind of relationship, okay? Now you-you guys just try to act cool for once in your life, all right? ( sighs ) Hey, Donna.
( clicks tongue ) Hi.
( laughing ) MARK: She's probably still shuddering from the tenderness of your touch.
Shut up.
( chuckling ) Mr.
Stevens.
Yeah.
Could you put these shoes in a safe place till the wedding? Yeah.
So, you guys are really thinking about going through with this, huh? I bowled a strike.
Yeah.
It's fate.
Can't turn your back on fate.
( chuckling ) Fate, well, I mean wh-wh-what if I what if I took this coin, and I flipped it and I said, "If it comes up heads then you shouldn't get married"? Okay, but you know what I mean.
How old are you guys? We're 22.
ED: How long have you known one another? BARBARA: Six months.
Yeah look, Ari, Barbara I-I'm just a guy, okay? Just a guy named Ed.
I'm just a guy named Ed who happens to be a lawyer.
I'm just a guy named Ed who happens to be a lawyer happens to run a bowling alley.
I'm just a guy named Ed Ed.
What? Right.
Don't do this.
Don't get married because you happened to bowl a strike, okay? Get married because you've spent a lot of time with one another.
You've gotten to know one another.
Get married because you're absolutely positive that you're meant to spend the rest of your life together.
You get married because the thought of living without one another is absolutely unbearable.
Get married for these reasons.
Okay, not because you bowled a strike.
Do you understand what I'm saying? -Yes.
Okay.
ARI: But you're forgetting something.
What's that? -I bowled a strike.
Excuse me.
Will you folks be needing a huppa? Okay, before we finish up today we need a new literary quote of the week for our board.
Anyone? Come on.
Anything based on any of the reading that we've done this year.
No? Mr.
Vanacore, how about you? You have yet to grace us with a quote of the week.
Mark? "Just do it"? ( laughter ) Not exactly what I was looking for, but not bad under pressure.
Ms.
Vesey, excellent lesson plan today.
It was organized, concise and you're really starting to come into your own.
Thank you very much, Warren.
Yeah, so, listen you know how, um, like, I'm a great lover, right? Pardon me? I'm just saying that you probably just assumed based on the way I comport myself.
I'm going to agree because I feel that that will make this conversation end more quickly.
Right.
Uh so, there's this girl Donna Totsie.
Whoa.
How do you do that? You're like Kreskin or something.
It's like I'm sitting here naked.
Warren, I'm not blind.
I heard about your little weekend up on the mountain.
Yeah, well, I I think I blew it with her.
Why is that? The window closed on me, Ms.
Vesey.
The-the window? Of opportunity.
The window of opportunity.
I was up on the mountain, and it was open, and I choked.
I blew it.
You're going to have to give me a little more to go on here.
Well, what I'm trying to say is nothing happened.
See, I We didn't even kiss or anything.
It's, like, all we did was talk and stuff.
What's wrong with talking? No.
Oh, you don't understand.
Nothing.
Nothing's wrong with talking.
Talking is great.
I mean, but like I mean, after you talk you got to, like start kissing and stuff, or else that's when the window closes, you see? And once the window closes, that's it! I mean, it's never going to open up again.
-I see.
Yesterday, I ran into her, and she just, like, dusted me.
She just, like, walked right by me.
I was, like, "What's up?" Warren did it ever occur to you that she's worried her window of opportunity with you has closed? Whoa.
( gasps ) ( knocking ) Yeah.
Ed Stevens? Yeah.
Jamie Masters.
Hey.
Uh, Twizzler? Uh, no, thanks, I-I'm good.
Oh.
( both chuckling ) Can I help you with something, Mr.
Masters? Oh, I-I need to get a restraining order against my brother.
Oh.
Sure.
Have a seat.
So, what seems to be the problem? He's ruining my life.
How so? Ed, I have a weight problem.
Oh, I-I mean, I don't Come on, I'm a fat guy.
Okay.
Now I've been on every diet known to man.
Fiber bars, breakfast shakes, liquid protein low carbs, high carbs.
I've tried it all.
Never any luck.
-Well losing weight can be difficult.
-So, a couple of months ago, my doc tells me I'm one burrito away from exploding.
-Really? He said that? Ah, not exactly.
I'm being colorful.
-I see.
-But I get his point.
You know, if I don't turn it around, it's bye-bye, Birdie.
Well, how does this involve your brother? Well, I'm upset, so I go to my brother Steve and I give him carte blanche.
Carte blanche? -I told him that until I lose 30 pounds he has carte blanche to do anything he wants to stop me from eating badly.
What does that mean exactly? -I told him even if I change my mind even if I beg him to leave me alone, don't stop.
My life's at stake.
You know, he has to do whatever he needs to do to prevent me from eating badly.
-So, why the restraining order? Well, the whole thing's gotten out of hand.
It started with a polite reminder, then Oh, my God.
He followed me here.
-Followed you here to see if you'd eat a Twizzler? He's got a baseball bat! Quick for a big guy.
JAMIE: Wait! Stop! That's my brand-new Taurus! You like Twizzlers, Jamie, huh? Go ahead, eat 'em up! JAMIE: I-I'm throwing them out.
Okay? Too little, too late, tubby, huh? I've got a very interesting job.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Mr.
Masters? Steve Masters? You're the guy from the bowling alley.
-Yeah, Ed Stevens.
I'm, uh, your brother, Jamie's attorney, actually.
He got a lawyer? -Yeah.
-Why? Because you smashed up his car, among other things.
Look, I know Jamie asked you for help losing weight, but you're taking things too far.
You've got to stop doing this stuff.
I've got to stop doing this stuff? Look, my brother's standing at a fork in the road.
Either he loses weight or he dies.
And I'll tell you this, he's not dying on my watch.
Okay, but do you think you can come up with something a little more productive than humiliating him and destroying his property? Hey, he asked me to do this.
He made me promise to do this and I intend to live up to my promise.
Look, no matter how good your intentions may be what you're doing is still illegal.
If you don't stop, I'm going to have to take you to court.
Illegal? -Yeah.
-I don't think it's illegal.
-Sure, it is.
I have a signed contract from Jamie.
-What? -That's right.
I'd be happy to send you a copy.
Spells it all out in black and white.
Jamie has given me the legal right to do anything and everything to stop him from overeating.
It stipulates the contract remains valid even if he changes his mind.
Huh.
How can you say that Jim Morrison was not a poet? I didn't say that, Mark.
I didn't say that.
What I said was that when I assign you to memorize a classic American poem you can't just walk in here and recite "Riders on the Storm.
" -Why not? It's beautiful.
( bell rings ) Okay, Lizard King.
That's all for today.
Class dismissed.
WARREN: Hey, Donna.
Hey, Donna.
-Yeah? Hey, I was, I was, like, curious about something.
-What's that? Well, I just wanted to ask you a question.
I just bounce an idea off you.
-Okay.
Whenever you have the time.
-Go ahead.
'Cause I-I could-- we could-- set something up or Okay, uh sorry.
Okay, um, I was just thinking if you were interested in Hey, Warren.
Oh, hey, Jess! Hey, wow, uh oh Jess, this is, um Donna.
Yeah, we know each other.
Oh Linda told me you really did spend that weekend up on the precipice.
Yes.
That's pretty cool.
Cool, yeah.
Uh, I suppose you could say it was cool.
But, um, for me the word that springs to mind is "epiphanous.
" What do you mean? Jessica, as I stood atop that mountain with the majesty of God's creation at my feet life's biggest questions suddenly made their answers known unto me.
Like, what questions? Like, "Who are you?" I mean, I know I know you're Jessica Martell but, like, who are you? I don't know.
Exactly.
Exactly.
That's it.
And I do know.
So, who are you? Who am I? Mm-hmm.
I'm Warren Cheswick.
But not just Warren Cheswick.
I'm Warren Cheswick.
You know? Well, that's, that's awesome.
It was awesome.
It was intense.
Well, I got to go to French class.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
Yeah, catch you later.
So, I The window it is closed.
Oh Now, Mr.
Stevens, perhaps your client ought to explain what his brother has done to necessitate this restraining order.
Oh, of course.
Go ahead, Jamie.
Thanks, Your Honor.
( clears throat ) January 10, I ate a Pop Tart.
Steve flushes my best pair of dress socks down the toilet.
January 16 I eat a slice of pizza.
Steve spray-paints the words "Captain Tubby" on my front door.
January 21, I consume a few too many individual servings of pudding and Steve burns my entire collection of Jack London first editions.
Good-bye, Call of the Wild.
Adios, White Fang.
Please, lower your voice, huh? I'm sorry.
February 3, I take one bite out of a pound cake-- one bite, so help me God, Your Honor.
Steve calls the guy who works in the cubicle next to me imitates my voice and asks him out on a date.
February 9 Oh, that's enough.
Thank you, uh, Mr.
Masters.
Have you exhausted all non-legal methods to stop your brother from harassing you? I wouldn't be here if I hadn't.
Yeah, all right.
Uh I'm going to issue a restraining order effective immediately.
Thanks, Your Honor.
Thank you.
Come on.
Hug the fat guy.
How are the wedding plans going? All according to schedule.
When did you become the sworn enemy of crazy, romantic spontaneity? I thought that was your, your deal.
It is, I just want the both of them to wait, you know? At least until they're sure they were meant to be together.
I don't want them to make the same mistake I did.
Marrying Liz? Yeah.
How did you guys end up together, anyway? She was my dental hygienist.
We fell in love while she was showing me the proper flossing technique.
Seriously? No.
I just didn't want to deprive you of the super cute meeting story.
No, she was, uh, she was friends with Bruce Cawhill, my law school roommate and he set us up.
The minute we laid eyes on one another it was, like boom! Really? Yeah, we had one of those first dates where you end up staying up all night, staring into one another's eyes.
Mmm.
Four months later, we were engaged.
Four months? Yeah.
Wow! Four-- I had no idea.
Yeah, it took another three years before we knew each other well enough to realize we didn't belong together.
I don't want these kids to make the same mistake, that's all.
Look, I can see that you have a point but what if you're wrong? What if Barbara and Ari are actually perfect for each other and they're supposed to live happily ever after? If I'm wrong, they can wait a couple years, then get married.
Yeah, but sometimes in relationships there's this, this window of opportunity.
And, and if you miss it Eddie! ED: Hey.
Jamie.
Jamie Masters, Carol Vessey.
Carol Vessey, Jamie Masters.
Hi.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
You gave me my life back.
See, there comes a point in time when you've got to realize, you are what you are.
I'm overweight.
So what? You know, there are worse things to be.
STEVE ( over megaphone ): Ladies and gentlemen please direct your attention to the giant fat guy in the blue windbreaker.
My God would you look at that fat ------- eat? Would you look at him? Does this look like a guy who needs to be pounding down hot dogs? Eat, you fat -------, eat.
He can't do this.
He's violating the restraining order.
You're violating the restraining order.
Screw the restraining order.
Forget the restraining order.
I'm taking him to court.
I want my car fixed.
I want emotional damages.
I want it all.
I'm taking him to court.
I am taking him to court.
Okay, calm down, Jamie.
We'll, we'll work this out.
Next question have you gotten your blood tests? No, we were going to go to the clinic tomorrow.
-Not necessary, my friend.
I have an old summer camp buddy who can take care of this for you.
What you're going to do is go down to the filling station at the corner of Forbes and Murray.
CAROL: Hey, guys.
-Beep me.
Hey.
BARBARA: Hi.
So, guys, we have the most perfect idea for our wedding.
What's that? -My best man's going to be Colonel Sanders.
The chicken guy.
Isn't that an amazing idea? -Wow, isn't he dead? Yeah.
-No, no, you're thinking of Arthur Treacher.
BOTH: Oh.
Yeah Yeah, yeah.
All right.
I don't think I can do this.
CAROL: Do what? Participate in this wedding.
-Why not? You hear those kids out there? -Yeah.
They want Colonel Sanders to be their best man.
-Yeah.
-Colonel Sanders? So? -This is marriage we're talking about.
They're not taking the whole thing serious enough.
Marriage, the blessed union, the sacrament, man and woman.
Do the words "Till death do us part" ring any bells with you? Yeah, I'm so confused.
In marriage, you don't throw a fanciful restaurant mascot into the proceedings.
Ed? What? This just doesn't sound like you.
Aw, I just don't want to sit idly by and watch these two kids gallop down the road towards misery, that's all.
Colonel Stupid Sanders.
I think that you're missing the point here.
I'm missing the point? I'm missing the point? Yep, little bit.
How? What do you think the point is? I think the point is, it's not a bad thing to want Colonel Sanders at your wedding.
It's a bad thing if only one of you wants to have Colonel Sanders at your wedding.
PHIL: Okay.
They got me.
I let down my guard, and they got me.
I've decided to take care of the catering F.
O.
C.
F.
O.
C.
? Free of charge.
And if you repeat that, I will deny it.
There are reasons why people in this town need to think of Phil Stubbs as a soulless merchant of fear.
Oh.
( bell rings ) Donna, Donna.
Yeah? Hey.
Look, uh what I was going to ask you before was um, will you? Here's the question.
Um Will I what? Will you go out with me Saturday night? Okay.
Really? Excellent.
Oh, yes.
Okay, um uh, yeah.
Saturday night.
Saturday night.
Okay.
Hey, she said Oh hey, Donna.
Um, just so we're clear on this, um, when I say "go out" I mean, like, on a date, and not just as friends.
Yeah, I kind of figured.
Awesome.
'Cause, you see, my buddy, Mark Vanacore he's got this theory And he was, like, "Dude your window's closed.
" And I was, like, "Okay, son, look I think you've been watching a little too much Mars-Venus, you know.
-What? Mars-Venus, it's the TV show that dumped Cybill Shepherd.
Remember, in, like You're starting to lose me here.
8:00, Park Theater.
-Okay.
Okay.
See you then.
Yeah.
Your Honor, my client Steve Masters is charged with violating a restraining order that I believe should not be upheld.
Why? Because his so-called harassment of his brother Jamie, comes at Jamie's own request.
Jamie asked Steve to sign a contract promising to do whatever it took to stop him from overeating.
And I quote, "no matter how much I protest.
" You see, Your Honor Jamie knew there would come a time when his will would weaken and he would want Steve to stop.
So now Steve follows his instructions not to stop and Jamie sues him.
Doesn't make any sense.
Mr.
Stevens.
Your Honor, it's not the restraining order that's invalid.
It's the so-called contract.
When Jamie asked Steve to help him lose weight he never imagined Steve would take things as far as he did.
Destruction of valuable personal property public humiliation.
Surely the law cannot protect this type of behavior.
JUDGE: Thank you, Mr.
Stevens.
We'll begin with witnesses tomorrow morning.
In the meantime, Mr.
Masters don't forget that there's still a restraining order with your name on it.
Yes, Your Honor.
( gavel pounds ) Ah.
Should I get the kind for sensitive skin or the kind for super-sensitive skin? Since when do you need to shave? Kevin, you haven't even hit puberty yet.
You look like a newborn brine shrimp.
Hey, Warren, don't forget these.
Whoa, whoa.
Mark, I'm not going to need condoms.
We're just going to the movies.
Besides, my mom shops here so can you get rid of those? These are the kind that Jeff Goldblum uses.
I read it in Esquire.
Hey.
Big weekend.
( over P.
A.
): I need a price check over here.
No! How much is the Ultra Shave Gel? It's cheap.
Steve, Mr.
Samuels.
STEVKnock it off Hey,over there.
i My client wishes to settle this case.
No way, no how.
Steve, you should listen to what we have to say.
You're not going to win in court.
JAMIE: We're brothers.
We don't belong in a court of law.
How crazy is this? Look, I'm willing to forget about the money and the damages if you'll just agree to stop harassing me.
ED: You can't win, Steve.
There's no way the judge will uphold this contract.
Will you boys excuse us for a moment? I need to talk to my brother.
He's right.
I'm probably going to lose in court.
But lucky for me, we ain't going back to court.
What do you mean? I bought myself a little insurance policy.
A 30-second commercial on tomorrow night's local news.
If you don't drop this case and let me keep helping you lose weight the whole town's going to see this.
What is it? I'll see you later, Jamie.
So? Do you have a VCR in your office? Come on.
You sure you don't want to watch this yourself? No.
You're my lawyer.
Plus, I don't have any skeletons in the closet.
I've got Ring Dings in the pantry but no skeletons in the closet.
That's my house.
That's me.
I yeah.
He's going to run this on TV? If he does that, we'll sue him.
We're already suing him.
If he runs this on TV I'll be the laughingstock of the community.
We got to drop the case.
We can't do that, Jamie.
This is blackmail.
If you let him get away with this it'll just get worse.
Trust me, we'll deal with this in court.
Now we really need to start focusing on party favors.
You know, little keepsake, knickknack for your guests to take home.
Oh, I don't think we need that.
Now, my cousin Jeal can engrave absolutely anything.
He once put a bride's initials on a cocker spaniel's ---.
The man's an artist and I will give him a holler.
CAROL: Hi, guys.
Hi.
Hey, Barbara.
Hey, Ari.
Guys, we've got some bad news.
What's that? Colonel Sanders can't be our best man.
No.
Really? He died in 1980.
Gosh.
Hmm.
They sent us a coupon for free honey barbecue wings.
Hey, look, you guys you know, I don't mean to sound like a broken record on the subject but I'm just not certain you're taking this whole thing seriously enough.
Sure, Ed.
We could hold off for awhile.
Maybe in a way that's the wise thing to do.
But I feel like for whatever reason we've been given this magic moment.
And I don't want to just sit around being wise until that moment passes.
Yeah, but if the magic were to pass that quick maybe you shouldn't be getting married.
I think you're missing my point.
Look, Ed If you want us to have our wedding somewhere else just tell us.
Ari, it's not that I want you to get married somewhere Don't be ridiculous.
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course you're getting married here and you know what? It's going to be the greatest bowling alley wedding ever.
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
There you go.
All right.
Take it easy.
Bye now.
What are you doing? If they're going to marry they may as well get married here.
What chance do you really think this has of working out? About as good a chance as any marriage.
Maybe better.
Look at them.
Oh.
Yeah, I know.
But I just think that they should Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't.
Who knows? Things go wrong for all kinds of reasons.
But who are we to stand in the way of something that is so obviously meant to be.
Well, I don't think they should split up.
I just think they should wait.
Waiting has its own set of problems.
What if they start thinking too much? What if they start second-guessing everything? There's such a thing as being too cautious, isn't there? first came to you with this crazy "contract" Objection.
We don't think it's crazy and we think it's a contract, not a "contract.
" Sustained.
What was your brother's state of mind? Upset, confused? Yeah, he was upset.
He'd tried every diet known to mankind and failed.
He even tried that guy Jared's thing from Subway but he didn't have any luck so he came to me for help.
And you proceeded to spend the next few months humiliating him and destroying his property.
That's what he asked me to do.
That's what he asked you to do? Really? So he asked you to smash his car with a baseball bat? He asked you to follow him around with a loudspeaker? He asked you to videotape him eating without a shirt on in the privacy of his home and threatened to put it on the news? He asked you to do all these things? Well, not those things exactly, but You and I both know that when your brother came to you for help he did not plan on any of this happening, am I right? I don't know.
You don't know? Nothing further.
Did you, in fact, do all those things to your brother? Yes.
Why? His cholesterol is 450.
His triglycerides are over 300.
He's a borderline diabetic.
If he continues to eat the way he's eating my brother will die.
Steven Masters I believe that you care very deeply about your brother.
And in some circles your actions could be considered noble.
But unfortunately, the law is not one of those circles.
As Mr.
Stevens has argued the agreement between the two of you does not constitute a binding contract.
Therefore this court rules that you must stop harassing your brother immediately.
However, because of your good intentions I'm dropping any claim for damages against you.
This time.
Dismissed.
Do ( clearing throat ) Do you do you enjoy going to the cinema? Yes, Warren, I enjoy going to the cinema.
Me, too.
I also like going to the movies.
Oh, I To touch e uh, touche.
Warren, you don't need to be nervous around me.
Okay.
Hello.
Welcome to Park Theater.
What can I get for you today? We'd like two medium sodas and two small popcorns, please.
This is a small.
That's a small? Mm-hmm.
Okay, we'll take two mediums then.
For a dollar less you get the large.
All right, we'll have the large popcorn and two medium sodas.
You've got to make one of the sodas a large to get the combo.
Okay, like we can't eat that much popcorn and drink that much soda, you understand that? For the love of God, no one can.
You see these two containers right here? Yeah.
These right here represent your best value.
If you want to buy 32 of these little guys be my guest, go ahead.
I'm just trying to protect you from yourself.
Do you even want popcorn? No, okay, we'll take this whatever.
Just take this.
Thanks.
It's expensive.
All right, you go ahead.
I think Jessica Martell likes you, you know? What? No way.
I'm serious.
I saw the way she was looking at you during group project.
No way.
That's Really? No.
No, I'm telling you.
I'm not here with Jessica Martell.
I'm here with Donna Totsie, so Thank you.
You know, Donna a woman is like a flower.
You have to feed her and water her or else ( yells ) Oh, my God.
( alarm blares ) Oh, man.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
It's cool, it's cool.
A sneaker caught in the escalator.
Oh, my God.
A foot caught in the escalator.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, could you? Excuse me, could you stop? Okay, okay, don't move, okay? Don't go anywhere.
All right.
Could you tell the manager to turn off the escalator has my It's going to eat my foot.
That's cool, though.
It's cool.
Walk on by.
Hey, have a good night.
I'm just caught in the escalator.
MAN: We come here today to honor Barbara and Ari in this blessed event.
Hold on! Hold on! Heck, you can't have a wedding without a best man.
Thanks, Ed.
You guys screw this marriage up I'll have to hunt you down and kill you.
We won't.
I know you won't.
I had a really great time tonight.
Really? I mean, cool.
Yeah, cool.
Me, too.
Any date that involves the Jaws of Life can't be that bad, right? Unless you were in a car accident.
Warren, um, how how come you never kissed me on top of Mt.
Precipice.
Oh, that's that's a great question really.
I I just I don't know.
I was looking for a sign or something.
Like a signal.
Oh, I just figured you weren't interested in me.
What?! No, no, no, no.
That's crazy.
I I'm I'm very interested in you.
I possess a great level of interest in you.
You just needed a signal? Yeah, you know, 'cause then like I thought I thought I missed my window of opportunity 'cause you and I never like, you know kissed up there or anything.
So I figured it was over and we'd just be friends and stuff.
Mm-hmm.
You just needed a signal? Yeah.
Like just like a look or a tap on the shoulder that said "hey, Warren, now is a good time to kiss me here.
" Like, like something like that.
Warren, shh.
Stop talking.
Okay.
All right, cool.
Cool.
Good night.
Good night.
Whew.
Call me unpredictable Tell me I'm impractical Rainbows I'm inclined to pursue Call me irresponsible Just like to say to the bride and groom may your love and happiness last a lifetime.
Yes, I'm unreliable But it's undeniably true I'm irresponsibly mad for you.
Ooh, I'm irresponsibly mad For you.
You know, you really should consider keeping Stuckey Bowl open for weddings more often.
I don't know.
One may be enough.
Not many people want to get married in a bowling alley.
You think? It's sort of nice.
As a matter of fact, when I get married I'm considering doing it right here at the old Stuckey Bowl.
-Hey, no problem.
You know, as long as it's not league night.
I think those kids are really in love.
Yeah, so do I.
But then again, who knows? 'Cause it's all just one big crap shoot anyway.
I guess you're right.
You can only be so sure, you know what I mean? You just got to take the plunge let the chips fall where they may.
I think I just used two cliches in the same sentence.
Does this mean you're coming around on fate? Fate? I'm a big believer in fate.
In fact If I bowl a strike I'm going to ask you to marry me.
Is that so? Mm-hmm.
What's that? -That's me moving to the edge of my seat.
It gives me a chance to pick up the spare.
What that's going to get you? -One night of unbridled lovemaking.
Oh, dream on.
Dream on.
-Come on, it's fate.
( laughing ) It's fate.
I don't even want to but it's fate.
There's nothing we can do.
-You don't even want to.
-I don't want.
You are messing with the pin gods here and I will not be a party to it.
I'm serious.
I'm serious, too.