Evening Shade s01e19 Episode Script

It's afternoon in Evening Shade, and Wood Newton has a difficult job this weekend: trying to keep a very big secret in a very small town.
Hi, Herman.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, it's okay.
I was just looking over this brochure for the Coaches' Conference.
I'll tell ya, they make Fayetteville, Arkansas, look like a Razorback Riviera, don't they? Yeah.
I'm not going to go.
What? What do you mean you're not going to go? I'm not going to go.
I mean, I'm not going to go.
Coach, you can't just not go.
I'm looking forward to this.
This is my first Coaches' Conference.
I've been looking forward to going down there with those other coaches.
You know, laughing together, slapping each other on the backs.
I even packed extra T-shirts 'cause I bruise easy.
Well, you can You can take my place.
You mean go by myself? Yeah.
I don't think I'm ready to solo yet.
Hey, why are you backing out on me? Well, I just want a nice, quiet weekend at home, you know.
You live in Evening Shade.
Every one of your weekends is a quiet weekend at home.
Well, I want I want another one, okay? So you go down there and, you know, you slap a lot of backs.
I don't have the T- shirts on yet.
He was in a hurry, wasn't he? He was, wasn't he? I'll tell you, something's wrong, Virgil.
He doesn't want to burden me with it.
It must be bad, though, for him to want to miss the Coaches' Conference.
Tax evasion.
Honey, that is so good.
What is it? A dinosaur? No.
It's Daddy.
Oh.
I gave him a spiky tail 'cause I think it makes him look better.
So do I.
Look.
I found it.
Oh, Molly, I can't believe you've been digging around in that attic for this thing.
I thought you didn't like it.
She doesn't.
But Buddy Mills does.
He's been listening to my calls! I have not, Mrs.
Mills.
All right, you two.
Stop it.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hi.
Ah! Oh.
For me? Uh-huh.
I thought they'd make a nice centerpiece for the table, you know? Oh.
You been sick, honey? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm just tired.
I I I took a bath, and I'm just going to go to bed after supper.
No.
You can't do that.
Why? Well, I brought steaks and a and a $20 bottle of wine.
Ooh! We should send you away for the weekend more often.
I'm not going away for the weekend.
Taylor! Come on, lets let's clean up this coffee table.
It looks terrible.
No, no, no, no! Don't touch anything.
I'm doing my Current Events report, and I have all these papers in the exact order I need to plagiarize from them.
Wait a minute.
You brought home steaks, flowers, wine.
All right, who did you invite over without asking me? It's a surprise.
That's the problem.
No.
It's a good surprise.
When does this surprise arrive? If this is one of those football buddies of yours Hey, don't touch that, Mrs.
Mills! Stop it right now! Break it up! Break it up! Stop it! Stop it! All right, you guys! Stop it! Hey! Hi, guys.
Who's that, Mom? It's Mr.
Rogers, honey.
No, it's not.
Mr.
Rogers wears tennis shoes and a sweater.
I think I've come at a bad time.
Oh, no, no! Not at all.
You're dead meat! This is great, Wood.
I've always wanted to meet the rest of your family.
Actually, this is not them.
When I ended up in Arkansas for some unscheduled plane maintenance, I called Wood, and he was nice enough to invite me over here.
He can be very persuasive sometimes.
Oh, tell me about it.
Well, I know what life on the road is like, you know? Every five minutes, somebody popping a picture.
You mind? Sorry.
So, Kenny, how did you and Dad get to know each other? Well, I'm a big Pittsburgh Steelers fan, and your dad used to get me tickets to the football game.
Then I met Terry Bradshaw.
Now he gets me good tickets to the football game.
You must be wiped out, pard.
You want to hit the sack? Oh, and you can sleep as late as you want tomorrow.
You know, there's only one thing I really need more than sleep, and that's the fishing trip you promised me.
We'll go in the morning.
Good.
You know, this is great.
I appreciate you inviting me here.
Mom, can I call Bonnie and No, you can't call Bonnie.
This is a top secret.
Nobody is to find out that Kenny Rogers was here.
After he leaves on Monday, then you can tell anybody you want to.
Anybody finds out before then, I'll rip your tongues out.
What your father means, in his own colorful way, is that this should be our little family secret.
Okay? That's right.
Nobody is going to know that Kenny Rogers was ever in Evening Shade.
Ava? Maybe not.
Ava, honey, you have to help me.
I can't get these hot rollers to get hot.
I mean, which means they're probably not hot rollers at all.
They're probably just regular old rollers, which means they have no earthly use to me whatsoever.
Excuse me.
You Kenny Rogers? Yes, ma'am, I am.
No, you're not.
Why do you have a Kenny Rogers look-alike sitting around your living room? Well, the Elvis look-alike wasn't available.
It really is you! Oh, I am so pleased to meet you.
Oh.
Well, I guess this is going to shut up that obnoxious Gertrude Fowler.
You see, she just brags and brags about this flight she was on from Memphis to Los Angeles, and she got to use the restroom right after Cybil Shepherd.
Ooh! Wait till she hears about this.
I guess that's going to shut her up, showing off that stupid little old piece of Ivory soap.
I'm glad I could be of help.
Oh.
Wood Newton, would you please have some manners and introduce me? Sure.
Kenny, this is Ava's Aunt Freida, state hospital file number 5322.
Kenny, there are so many things I want to ask you.
Do you mind? I don't mind.
You are a man utterly devoid of refinement or breeding.
Well, I'm devoid of refinement, but I know a hell of a lot about breeding.
Oh, just hush! Hush! I might have known.
Even with a major celebrity in this house, that gutter mouth of yours is still just open for business.
Oh, we never close.
Never close.
Listen.
You promise you're not going to say anything about Kenny Rogers being here for the weekend, okay? How could I promise that until I at least discuss it with him? I need to hear this.
Well, now, Kenny, the way I figure, you know every big celebrity in Hollywood.
So, the price for my silence is just a little bit of information.
For instance, are they real? Are what real? Oh, come on.
You do duets with her.
Are they real? You mean Dolly's? They are not real.
I knew it! They're wigs.
Every one of them are wigs.
Now you're not going to say anything about him being here.
Right? You promise? Well, if a very special someone was to maybe ask me in just the right tone of voice Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor And I love you Oh, my Lord! You have made me what I am And I am yours.
Oh, my! Now, that's how you talk to a lady of refinement.
My lips are sealed.
I've been waiting ten years to hear that.
If you have to go somewhere, just go right ahead.
Oh, you couldn't get me off this couch with dynamite.
Just stay right here and be quiet.
Maybe they'll go away.
Hey, Coach, it's Herman.
I need to talk to you.
Kenny.
Hi, Herman.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry to disturb you, but listen, I'm worried about you.
Why? Everything's fine.
Oh, now, come on, Coach.
The first step in treating a problem is acknowledging the problem.
We'll talk about it Monday, huh? No! I'm here to intervene.
Look, I know you're in trouble, and I know it's bad trouble, for you to miss the Coaches' Conference.
I did a little snooping around on my own over at the office.
I know what's going on.
What are you talking about? I found the notepad by your phone.
I was kind of scratched around on it with my pencil, and the name came up.
Now, that was my personal notepad.
Look, I know you're in trouble with a major grocery store chain.
I just don't know why.
A grocery store? Yeah.
Don't play dumb with me.
It's right here on the paper.
K- R-O-G-E-R-S.
Krogers.
Now, what's Krogers done to you? Herman Stiles, you are a perfect fool.
That is not Krogers.
It is K.
Rogers, as in Kenny Rogers.
Who's the perfect fool? I mean, come on.
Why would the coach be in trouble with Kenny Rogers? I mean, what possible connection could Kenny Rogers have with the coach, here, in the first place? He's standing right behind you.
Your little nose is going to grow if you keep telling fibs like that.
My nephew does not fib.
Oh, sure.
Like I'm supposed to believe that Kenny Rogers is here.
It really is Kenny Rogers.
You're hyperventilating.
I think it's going well so far, don't you? Better than I thought.
I wish y'all would let me make you some breakfast before you go.
It's impossible for me to eat this early in the morning.
No.
I got the perfect fisherman's breakfast.
Slim Jims? Slim Jims, RC Cola and Moon Pies.
All right? Well, good luck.
Thank you.
This is the beginning of the weekend, Kenny.
Everything that happened before now didn't happen at all.
This is it! This is the very beginning.
The start! Just think of that.
This is the start.
Who was that? I never saw her before in my life.
Wood.
Hi, Merleen.
Islands in the stream That is what we are Wood.
I know.
Nothing in between Wood! I'm right here, man.
How can we be wrong? Sail away with me To another world Merleen, what are you doing here? I'm auditioning.
Harlan said that, that I, I mustn't miss this chance.
How'd you know Kenny was here? Well, Gertrude Fowler called because she was having a gall bladder attack, and in between moans, she said that Frieda had told her, called her and told her, you know, to gloat.
Yeah.
And so, uh, Harlan dropped me off here on his way to the hospital in the middle of the night.
How long have you been standing out there? Four hours.
It was so early, I didn't want to wake you.
Kenny, this is Merleen Elldridge.
Hi, Merleen.
How are you? Well, I'm sure that you don't have any openings for backup singers right now, but what, what did you think of my performance? I think I'd feel safe in saying that you have a unique way of selling a song.
Oh! Oh, thank you! Okay, we're out of here.
Okay.
We're out of here.
Gotta go.
Merleen, I think you're a couple of rhinestones shy of a load there.
Okay, here we go.
We're outta here.
Okay.
Hi, Coach.
I- I just heard the news, and I couldn't believe it.
My favorite celebrity in the whole world.
Where is he? Ta-da.
Oh, Coach, you are the victim of a cruel hoax.
Hmm? I don't know who this fellow is, but he is definitely not Roy Rogers.
It's very interesting.
Thank you.
Oh, hey, Kenny, I just dropped in to see what condition your condition was in.
How ya feeling, Herm? Oh, I, I'm fine.
Just a little hyperventilation, you know, from the excitement.
I usually carry a paper bag to breathe in.
I forgot it.
Well, I'm glad to see you back on your feet.
Oh, it could happen to anybody.
I mean, I wouldn't want you to think I'm the coward of the county.
Actually, the opposite's true.
I'm the assistant coach, and I'm kind of famous for being cool under fire.
I mean, nothing at all fazes me.
I mean, not even meeting a great big movie star like you.
Howdy, Mr.
Rogers.
Oh, I am mighty glad to be meeting a big star such as yourself.
Thank you.
Those Gambler movies you do, man, they are cinematic history.
Thanks.
Uh, but I got to be honest.
I never really cared a lick for your singing.
You see, I'm a big Ernest Tubb fan, and well, next to Ernest Tubb, all of your songs just seem to be kind of sissified.
Nothin' personal.
Well, thanks for sharing that with me.
Mm-hmm.
Sissified.
Sissified.
Kenny, you were so encouraging about my musical career, that I brought over a few of the songs that I've written.
This is my latest one.
In the Disneyland of love I'm Mr.
Toad's Wild Ride.
That's very catchy.
Very catchy.
Well, I thought so, too.
You know, I think it would make a beautiful duet.
So, have you seen all the people outside? Uh-huh.
Just tell 'em to go away.
They're disturbing me and Kenny.
We need some quiet time together on the couch.
This girl could stand a lot of quiet time on a couch.
See, you gotta understand that Kenny and I have made this very special spiritual connection.
We're on a higher plane.
I wish she was on a plane to Cleveland.
Excuse me, Kenny.
That song of yours that I really can't stand is "Lucille.
" Man, they played that thing to death around here.
And I'd rather take a beating with a ugly stick than have to hear that whining one more time.
Nothing personal.
You know, Virgil, I tried to sing like Ernest Tubb.
I just couldn't get that nasal twang that he has.
It's a gift.
Oh, hey, Ken You don't mind me calling you "Ken," do you? Not at all.
Listen, I bet you have incredible luck with the babes.
Herm, you need to know I'm a very happily married man.
Well, still though, I, I bet it's an awful good rush when those women start throwing the underpants up on the stage.
I think you're thinking of Tom Jones.
Hey, Dad, you guys got room for one more? No! Look, I told you to stand in front of the door, and nobody gets past you there are no exceptions.
What the heck's the matter with you? I'm only human, Dad.
She can come in.
Coach Newton, thanks so much for letting me meet Kenny Rogers.
That's all right.
It's so exciting.
Excuse me.
Mr.
Rogers, I'm Fontana Beausoleil.
Do you by any chance remember me? Well, there's something about you that does look vaguely familiar, yes.
I'm the exotic dancer who wrote to you about using one of your songs in my act.
Oh, "Islands In The Stream" I bet.
No, "Lady" it's so elegant.
It's perfect for my classical strip-ballet number.
I just wanted to thank you for it.
Oh, don't thank me.
I promise you, I will never look at that song the same way.
I also have this tape.
You know, I just don't have room for any more tapes.
I'm sorry.
Oh, well Ooh, a video.
Perhaps I'll make room for this, yes.
Can I talk to you a minute? Yeah.
Look, I love Kenny.
I adore him, but he's got to leave.
Well, what am I gonna do? I mean, we asked him over here to have a little R & R, and our friends are torturing him.
I, I can't just ask him to leave, can I? Why not? Mr.
Rogers, I am such a fan.
You know, I'm classically trained.
I hope you like my accordion music.
Accordion music that's my very favorite.
Kenny, could I be honest with you? No.
Now, Kenny, uh, this song came to me in a dream.
I was asleep, and I woke up, and I turned on my night light, and I wrote the whole thing down just the way I dreamed it.
Now, Merleen, let me make sure I'm reading this correctly.
"Love is a Funny, Furry, Yellow Thing with Red Eyes"? I've had that dream.
Kenny, can I break you away there just for a second? Please.
I know you're not having a lot of fun, partner, so you got any suggestions? I suggest I go back to my hotel room, and maybe you send me a fish.
Okay.
Back to the hotel.
Okay.
Now, Mr.
Rogers has to go, you know, so No! But you guys, you know, you like him too much.
If he was a puppy, you'd have petted him to death.
Oh, here.
This chair? Here you go.
Taylor, if I could borrow your guitar? Sure.
This is a song written about a town very much like Evening Shade.
It's called "20 Years Ago.
" And before I come back here, they'll be calling this "40 Years Ago.
" Hey! Just kidding.
Just kidding.
It's been a long time Since I've walked through this old town Oh, how the memories start to flow There's the old movie house They finally closed it down You could find me there every Friday night, 20 years ago I worked the counter at the drugstore down the street But nobody's left there I would know On Saturday mornings That's where all my friends would meet You'd be surprised what a dime would buy, 20 years ago All my memories from those days come gather round me What I'd give if they could take me back in time Oh, it almost seems like yesterday Where do the good times go? Life was so much easier, I guess I should stop by Mr.
Johnson's hardware store His only son was my friend Joe But he joined the army back in 1964 How could we know he would never come back, 20 years ago? Oh, it almost seems like yesterday, 20 years ago.
In Evening Shade We ain't afraid to get a little laid back And let the daylight fade Life goes slow and it's worth a lot more When you got it made And we got it made in the shade Evening Shade.