Friends s01e19 Episode Script

Okay, I checked.
We have Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick Chamomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry and Wait, there's one more.
Lemon Soother! You're not the guy that asked for tea, are you? The One Where The Monkey Gets Away Mail call! Rachel Greene, bunk seven.
Thank you.
Oh, cool! A free sample of coffee.
Oh, good.
Because where else would we get any? Oh, right.
-Oh, great.
-What is it? Country club newsletter.
My mother sends me the engagement notices for inspiration.
Oh, my God! It's Barry and Mindy! Barry, who you almost And Mindy, your maid of Let me see.
That's Mindy? She is pretty! Lucky to have had a friend like you.
Now it's quiet time.
Marcel, bring me the rice.
Come on.
Good boy.
Give me the rice.
Thank you.
Good boy.
He's mastered the difference between "bring me the" and "pee in the.
" "Bring me the" and Rach? Oh, I'm sorry.
This is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry up, right? I should be happy for them.
I am.
I'm happy for them.
-Really? -No.
I guess it would be different if I were with somebody.
Whoa, what.
What happened to "Forget relationships! I'm done with men!" The whole penis embargo? I don't know.
It's not about no guys.
It's about the right guy.
With Barry it was safe and easy, but there was no heat.
With Paolo, all there was, was heat.
-lt was this raw, animal, sexual -Right.
I got it.
I was there.
Do you think you can have both? Someone who's your best friend but also can make your toes curl.
Yes.
Yes, I do.
I really do.
In fact, it's funny.
Often, someone you wouldn't think could curl your toes might just be the one who gets interrupted.
How was the movie? -Wonderful! -So good! -Suck fest.
-Total chick flick.
I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with guns and bombs and buses going really fast! I don't need violence in a movie as long as there's a little nudity.
-There was nudity.
-I meant female nudity.
I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking.
Hugh! Hugh Grant! All right, I've got to go.
Come on, Marcel.
We're gonna go take a bath.
Yes, we are, aren't we? They're still just friends, right? And I will see you tomorrow.
You're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's.
Does Aunt Monica get a say in this? Please, Aunt Monica, please? Unclench.
You're not even gonna be here.
-I can't believe we're discussing this.
-I agree.
I'm, like, in disbelief.
If it was gonna happen, wouldn't it have happened already? She said she wants a relationship with someone exactly like me.
She said that? I added the exactly like me" part.
But she's looking for someone.
And someone will be there tonight.
"Tonight" tonight? It's perfect.
It'll just be the two of us.
She spent all day taking care of my monkey.
I can't remember the last time a girl took care of my monkey.
Anyway, I figured after work, I'd pick up some wine go over there and try to woo her.
Know what you should do? Take her back to the 1 890s when that phrase was last used.
If you keep this up, you'll be finished by the weekend.
The one in the feathered boa is Dr.
Francis.
Now, she used to be a man.
Look, there's Raven.
We hate her.
We're glad she's dying.
And then What? Marcel! Are you playing with Monica's shoes? You're not supposed to Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? Oh, Marcel! Bad monkey! Oh, God! Sorry, Barry.
A little engagement gift.
I'm sure you didn't register for that.
Who died? Who died? Roll him over! Come on, roll him over! Well, we know it wasn't Dexter, right, Marcel? Because Marcel? -How could you lose him? -I don't know! We were watching TV, he pooped in Monica's shoe.
Wait.
He pooped in my shoe? Which one? I don't know.
The left one! Which ones? Those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.
Why is the air in here so negative? Rachel lost Marcel.
Oh, no! How? -He pooped in my shoe.
-Which one? The cute black ones I always wear.
No, which one? The right or left? Because the left one is lucky.
Come on! What am I gonna do? All right.
You're a monkey.
You're loose in the city.
Where do you go? It's his first time out, so he'll do touristy things.
I'll go to Cats.
You go to the Russian Tea Room.
Oh, my God! Come on, you guys! He'll be home any minute.
He's gonna kill me! Search the building.
Take the first floor.
We'll take the rest.
What am I gonna do? You stay here and wait by the phone.
Spray Lysol in my shoe and wait for Ross to kill you.
Does anybody want to trade? What do you want? Mr.
Heckles, have you seen a monkey? I left a Belgian waffle out here.
Did you take it? -Why'd you leave it in the hall? -I wasn't ready for it.
Have you seen a monkey? I saw Regis Philbin once.
Thank you, Mr.
Heckles.
You owe me a waffle.
He's a black capuchin monkey with a white face with Russian dressing and pickles on the side.
Thanks.
How did it go today? Oh, great! It went great.
Really great.
Is that wine? You want some? Oh, I would love some.
But let's not drink it here.
I'm feeling crazy.
You wanna go to Newark? Okay, but before we head off to the murder capital of the Northeast I kind of wanted to run something by you.
You know how we were talking before about relationships, and stuff.
-Oh, God, Ross, I cannot do this! -Okay, quick and painful.
Oh, God! Okay, all right.
All right, okay.
Please don't hate me.
What? You know Marcel? I kind of lost him.
I can't believe this.
All I asked you to do was keep him in here! I know.
I'm sorry.
It's partially my fault.
I shouldn't have had you start with a monkey.
You should have started with a pencil.
I'm doing everything I can.
Everyone's looking for him and I got -Who is it? -Animal Control.
-I've even got Animal Control.
-You called Animal Control? Why? Do you not like them? Marcel is an illegal exotic animal.
I'm not allowed to have him.
If they find him, they'll take him away.
Well, now, see, you never ever told us that.
Because I never expected you to invite them to the apartment! Thanks for coming.
Somebody called about a monkey? You know, that was a complete misunderstanding.
We thought we had a monkey, but we didn't.
-Turned out it was a hat.
-Cat! We checked, no one's seen Marcel.
-My uncle Marcel.
-ls that who the monkey's named after? Possession of an illegal exotic is punishable by two years in prison and confiscation of the animal.
Oh, my God! You'd put that poor little creature in jail? Remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first? Yes, but there isn't always time.
I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcile this.
Have a seat.
We haven't met.
I'm Monica Geller.
Oh, my God, you are! And you're Rachel Greene! Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in homeroom.
Luisa! Oh, my God! Monica! It's Luisa! I went there too! Luisa! From homeroom! You have no idea who I am, do you? -No.
-Not at all.
Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me.
Would it have been hard to say, "Morning, Luisa" or "Nice overalls"? Oh, I'm so sorry! It's not so much you.
You were fat.
You had your own problems.
But you.
What a bitch! What? You know what? Be that as it may could you help us with the monkey thing, for old times'sake? Go, Bobcats! I could.
But I won't.
If I find that monkey, he's mine.
Sorry.
Marcel? Marcel? Hi, can I help you? We're having an emergency, and we were looking for something.
-A monkey.
-Yes, have you seen any? No, I haven't seen a monkey.
Can you fix radiators? Sure! Did you try turning the knob back the other way? -Of course! -Oh.
Then, no.
-Taste this.
Is there too much rum? -Just a second.
-Hope you find your monkey.
-No, wait! We may not know about radiators but we do have expertise in the heating and cooling milieu.
Aren't we in the middle of something? But these women are very hot, and they need our help.
And they're very hot! We can't, all right? We're sorry.
You don't know how sorry.
We promised to find this monkey.
He's this high and answers to the name Marcel.
So if we could get pictures of you, it'd help us out.
From now on, you don't get to talk to other people.
-Oh, my God! -What? Something brushed up against my right leg.
Oh, it's okay.
It was just my left leg.
Look, Phoebe! Oh, Marcel! Come here! Step aside, ladies.
-What are you gonna do? -Just a tranquilizer.
Run, Marcel, run! Damn! -Are you okay? -I think so.
Oh, gosh! We've been all over the neighborhood! He's just gone! -You don't know that.
-It's cold, it's dark.
He doesn't know the Village! And now I have a broken foot.
I have no monkey and a broken foot! Thank you very much! I've said I'm sorry a million times.
What do you want me to do? You want me to break my foot too? I'll break it right now.
Oh, my God! There, are you happy now? Yeah, now that you kicked the sign I don't miss Marcel anymore! It's not like I did this on purpose.
No, this is just vintage Rachel.
Things just sort of happen around you! You're off in "Rachel Land," doing your "Rachel Thing" oblivious to people's monkeys or to people's feelings and I don't want to hear it! Forget it, okay? What? Hey, banana man! This is so intense! One side of my butt is totally asleep and the other side has no idea.
-What's with Phoebe? -Tranquilizer dart.
Hi! Did you order some bananas? -What about it? -Give me my monkey back! -I don't have a monkey.
-Then what's with the bananas? Potassium.
Okay, where is he? You're wasting your time.
What? -What have you done to him? -That's my monkey.
That's Patty.
Are you insane? Come here, Marcel.
Come here, Patty.
Come here, Marcel.
Come here, Patty.
Here, monkey.
Here, monkey! Gotcha! -Give me my monkey back! -It's mine.
Take this up with the judge.
That's not my monkey.
The dress is mine.
Send it back whenever.
All right, I want my monkey! -Oh, come on, Luisa.
-Sorry, prom queen.
You had to be a bitch in school, instead of fat.
In high school, I was prom queen and the homecoming queen and you were also there.
But this isn't high school.
We're all adults here! Heckles! Can I have this? For the most part.
If you take this monkey, I'll lose an important person in my life.
You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him.
You have a chance to be the bigger person here.
Take it! No.
All right.
Then I'll call your supervisor and tell her you shot my friend with a dart! It'll be nice to get this off, won't it? Or we can leave it on.
That's fine.
With the right pumps, that would be a great little outfit.
Listen, I'm sorry I was so hard on you before No, it was my fault.
I almost lost your Yeah, but you got him back.
You were great.
We still have that bottle of wine.
Are you in the mood for something grape? -Sure, that would be good.
-All right.
The neighbors must be vacuuming.
Well, as long as we're here and not on the subject.
I was thinking about how mad we got at each other before.
And maybe it was partially because of how we -Rachel? -Barry? I can't do it.
I can't marry Mindy.
I think I'm still in love with you.
We have got to start locking that door! Show us! Come on! -lt was such a long time ago.
-Okay, fine.
All right.
This is me in The Sound of Music.
See the von Trapp kids? That's because I'm in front of them.
Big nun! I thought that was an alp.
High school wasn't my favorite time.
I loved high school.
It was four years of parties, dating and sex and Well, I went to boarding school with 400 boys.
Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.
Doesn't it seem like a million years ago? My butt cheek is waking up!