Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s01e19 Episode Script
The Rock Band
1 [people chanting, cheering.]
From gamers to rockers, here's the band you've all been waiting for.
Thumbs of Rock! They're ready to blow your minds with a mind-blowing performance.
But before they compete for the $100,000 prize, - let's find out how they got here.
- Oh, we took a bus.
All right! So, Ashely, why don't you tell us how it all got started.
Huh.
'Cause she's the lead singer, she gets to answer all the questions! All right, Wendell, why don't you tell us how it all got started.
Why you asking me? She's the lead singer.
All right, I'll take this one.
Our band started where all great bands start.
In a garage where you found your collective voice.
Uh, no.
At the game pit down at the River Walk.
It all began with a new game called Rock Hero Five.
All right, guys, we have enough for one game.
- Babysitter Rampage.
- No way, man.
Nanny Massacre.
- Oh! - Sorry, guys.
I think you're forgetting it's my turn to pick this week.
[both groaning.]
Don't worry.
I'm picking the hottest new release out there.
Piòata Puppy Party.
[both groaning.]
Oh! It's the new version of Rock Hero.
Can't believe they have a demo here.
I call guitar.
- I call bass.
- I call bassoon.
What kind of rock band doesn't have a bassoon? [chuckles.]
Every rock band doesn't have a bassoon! Take the drums.
Excuse me.
Hey, you can't play here.
Why not? Because you belong on a big stage! I'm talkin' kids' parties, and mattress store openings, and maybe, someday, you'll work your way up to a quinceaòera.
[all gasping.]
Awesome! What's that? Forgive his ignorance.
A quinceaòera is that special day when a young Latina girl celebrates her quinceaòera.
With my help, you guys could actually do something with your lives instead of just playing video games.
- But we are just playing a video game.
- No.
You were rockin' the video game.
I mean, the crowd doesn't care that you're not playing real instruments.
But if you wanna go big time, there is something you - need that you don't have.
- A bassoon! - No.
- Oh.
- Me as your manager.
- Manager? [laughs.]
What do you know about rock and roll? [whistles.]
[guitar riff solo.]
Apparently he knows something.
[title music.]
Gamer's Guide Gamer's Guide 1x19 - "The Rock Band" Gamer's Guide I've been working on a signature move.
I spin my bass around my neck, catch it, and keep on wailin'.
Way to go.
You broke your guitar.
- And my ceiling! - Hey, this is rock and roll, man.
If stuff's not breaking, you're not doing it right.
Good news.
American Talent Factor is coming to Redwood.
So I waited in line all night to score you guys an audition.
Uh Yeah, we already signed up for that on the website.
I know.
That's what they told me when I got to the front of the line.
Point is, we're in.
Do you guys actually think you have a shot at winning? Heck yeah.
Rock and roll is in their souls.
- All we need is a singer.
- Oh, we're on it.
Franklin's setting up an audition at Billy's right now.
Well, I sing in my church choir.
[derisive laughter.]
Church choir? We're not a bunch of old ladies in bathrobes.
You're in that choir, too.
[whispers.]
Yeah, but I don't tell people about it.
[scoffs.]
"Church choir.
" [rock music plays, then stops.]
Hey.
[music resumes, stops.]
Man.
[music resumes, stops.]
Hey man.
I call that one "Hey, man.
" Thank you, Stu.
That's great.
We'll be in touch.
[whispers loudly.]
We won't be in touch.
Well, that's it.
There's no one else on the list.
We're never gonna find anybody that can rock! [rock music.]
# I am here to rock, sing and dance # Sorry, boys, but you missed your chance, yeah [clatter.]
[feedback.]
You heard me.
You missed your chance.
Wow, that was amazing! We gotta find somebody just like her! Wait.
Ash! You're in! Your team is auditioning in there right now for a chance at the big show.
You must be nervous.
Please.
When you're the manager of a world-class video game-based rock band, you don't get nervous.
What was that? I can't tell! Was that a yea or a nay?! [grunts.]
Oh, we were nayed.
I knew we'd be nayed, 'cause you're talentless hacks that didn't listen to me.
Gah! We made it!! [yelling.]
I always believed in them.
So talented.
Hey, guys.
- I was wondering if I could just - Oh, here we go.
Now that we're gonna be on American Talent Factor, everybody wants a picture.
All right, no, I just wanted An autograph? It never ends! [scoffs.]
[scoffs.]
- I just wanted your ketchup.
- Oh! Uh - Here ya go.
- This was my best shirt.
I hope you're ready.
'Cause when we win this thing, - it's gonna lead to a movie deal! - Come on, Ash.
We'll probably just get a TV show first.
That's the great thing about living in this town of nobodies.
There's absolutely no competition.
Behold.
The Rainmaker has arrived out of nowhere!.
What are you doing here, Ronald? Ronald? There is no Ronald.
I'm the Rainmaker, and I'm preparing to dazzle the judges on American Talent Factor.
- Uh, you do magic? - No.
A party clown does magic.
I am an illusionist.
I'm also a party clown.
Here's my card.
The name's Ronald.
Uh, one little problem, Ronald.
You need a golden ticket to get on American Talent Factor.
You mean like this? - That's a menu.
- Yes, but what I ordered - was a golden ticket.
Ha! - You got a ticket? Of course I did, because I am on fire.
Ha ha! Oh! Oh, oh, hey! You have been illusioned! You know you just burned your ticket.
The Rainmaker is gonna make some calls.
[coughing.]
Did we feel the pressure of winning the competition? No question.
Did we have to step up our game? Absolutely.
Did I become one of those jerks who answers his own questions? Not a chance.
Ya know, I just kept it cool and calm.
We were supposed to have practice at 4:00! It's 4:03, and we haven't even played one note! Do you people even wanna win?! Whoa! You gotta chill out, brother.
Your negative vibes are harshing my inner peace.
You may not know this, but before we formed a band, I was kind of an angry person.
But then, the music spoke to me, and I went out and got me some mood crystals, made a shell necklace, and a toaster fell on my head.
So you know what I say now? Eat a bag of love, Conor.
- What is wrong with you? - No, brother.
- What is right with us? - Oh Don't fight it, friend.
No, no, I can talk.
It's just some band rehearsal thing.
Nothing important.
Uh, Ashley? - Who are you talking to? - Uh, nobody.
The truth is, I wasn't talking to nobody.
I was actually talking to somebody.
My new agent, about my future as a solo artist.
But I decided to keep it to myself so I didn't hurt anyone's feelings.
I have an agent now, because I'm more talented and better than you.
Franklin, can you believe this? Wait.
Why is Franklin not here? Franklin's always here.
[groaning.]
'Sup, pickle bags? Let's just get this over with.
Franklin, what's that smell? Are you drinking milk again? Whoa! Who made you the calcium cop?! Can't a boy strengthen his bones without getting judged? Brother, you know you're not allowed to drink milk.
Your mother says it makes you irritable and gassy.
- That woman's a liar! - There's irritable.
[all groaning.]
There's gassy.
Look, all bands grow apart over time.
Not necessarily during the first practice, but it happens.
Anyway, the whole rehearsal was a disaster.
So I knew I need to call an emergency team meeting to get us back on track.
Okay.
Look, guys, we're gonna be on American Talent Factor this weekend, going up against some pretty serious competition.
Yeah.
If you guys wanna win, you really gotta step up your game.
- Where's Ashley? - Oh, hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
So I'm quitting the band.
See ya.
Whoa.
What? My agent got me a solo gig, singing at the state fair.
I'm opening for the guy who grew the world's biggest squash.
[country music.]
State fair? Prize-winning dairy cows? Oh, I'm in.
Okay, wait! I'm the leader of this band, and I'm ordering you to stay.
Oh.
Well, maybe you shouldn't be the leader.
I'm the only one with talent in this band anyway.
All right, guys, there's a lot of negative energy here.
I'm gonna go down to the river and read haikus to the tadpoles.
Okay, guys, stop.
What is happening here? Our band is falling apart.
Don't worry, Conor.
I'm the manager.
Let me manage.
You know, guys, if you aren't serious about this, then maybe you should just break up.
- Okay.
- Sounds good.
- Later, man.
[gasps.]
You guys really need a better manager.
Gimme another round.
And no two percent.
I want cream, lady! Can you keep it down? I'm on the phone with my agent.
And I'm trying to Zen out over here.
[fake crying.]
Hey, there.
I'm here to pick up an order for my sick friend.
His name's Conor.
[loudly.]
I said his name's Conor! ALL: Conor? Oh, hey, guys.
I didn't see you there.
Yeah, Conor's not doing so good.
After the band broke up, he fell off a cliff.
[all gasping.]
Of sadness.
[relieved sighs.]
Then he got hit by a train.
[gasping.]
Of depression.
[relieved sighs.]
- Then he got bit by a dog.
- Of despair? No, the Murphy's Chihuahua.
It's a mean little rat dog.
Well, talk to you guys later.
[fake crying.]
[chuckles.]
Ah, got you, Charlie.
King me.
I'm not kingin' nothin'.
You're a dirty cheat, and I know for a fact, you're the one who shaved my horse! Gah! Look, I didn't really lose my marbles.
It's a story as old as time.
Band breaks up due to creative differences, and the leader fakes a trip to Cuckoo Town to get 'em back together.
[gasps.]
Oh, no! It's you.
You're the mermaid who sneaks in at night and resets my clock! Not today, mer-lady! Doctor said the only thing that might help him snap out of this is the memory of a good time.
Ah! Hey, Conor, remember that time we went to the water park A good time with music.
He specifically said music should be involved in the memory.
Well, I guess we could play our song one more time.
Yes! I mean, if you think that would work.
Alright.
When there's good times, we rock When there's bad times, we roll That's the meaning of the secret code What we're told is keep the faith Don't let it explode For the record, we saw his plan coming a mile away.
Had 'em fooled the whole time.
Welcome to American Talent Factor! Our judges are ready to see our finalists.
All right, guys, when we bust through these doors and out onto that stage, we're gonna make history! You ready? - It's show time! - Rock and roll! - Whoo hoo! - What's up, Redwood?! Oh! Uh ha! Sorry, man, could you tell us where the stage is? You're gonna go down past those boxes, take a left, take one more left, and it'll be on your right.
Got it.
Thanks, man.
- Thank you.
- Whoo! - It's show time! - Rock and roll! What's up, Redwood?! Seriously? Hey.
Hey.
[audience cheering.]
Let's hear it for Stu! [all panting.]
- Okay, this has gotta be it.
- It's show time! - Rock and roll! - Whoo hoo! Is this our school? And now for my final illusion, behold the art of levitation.
[forced laugh.]
[imitating siren.]
Uh-oh, sounds like I'm about to be arrested for breaking the law of gravity.
[laughing.]
Oh, gosh, these lights are a lot lower than I thought.
Oh, boy! [sizzling electricity.]
[screaming.]
[heavy thud.]
Oh you've been illusioned! Gosh darn it.
Well, it looks like Thumbs of Rock isn't going to make it.
Wait, they're here, they're here! From gamers to rockers, here's the band you've all been waiting for.
Thumbs of Rock!! They're ready to blow your minds with a mind-blowing performance.
But before they compete for the $100,000 prize, - let's find out how they got here.
- Oh, we took a bus.
All right! - All right, you guys ready to do this? - Yeah.
I am, but the console's not.
Oh You smashed our game console, you jerk! But you'll never be able to prove anything when the evidence disappears.
Ha ha! [hammer thuds.]
Ow! Illusioned! Ow Whoa! Without the console, we're nothing.
Wait, that's not true.
Some other band left their instruments.
- We can rock this show for real! - Oh! Are you crazy? - We can't play real instruments.
- Sure, we can.
We know our song backwards and forwards.
Rock and roll is in our souls, remember? [crowd cheering and chanting.]
You hear that audience? They believe in us.
Are we gonna believe in us? - Yeah! - Let's do it! Rock on.
[rock music.]
When it's good times, we rock Yeah When it's bad times, we roll But the world keeps turning anyway That's the meaning of the secret code What we're told is keep the faith Don't let it explode [singing off-key.]
# When there's good times # We rock, rock [discordant playing.]
[audience booing.]
It was the worst performance of all time.
We're great gamers, but a horrible band.
And in the end, the best performer won.
You've won America's hearts, and you're headed for Hollywood.
This is your moment.
What would you like to say to the world? Uh Cool.
[appreciative whistle.]
[sighs.]
[guitar riff solo.]
[cracks.]
[screams.]
[coughs.]
Rock and roll
From gamers to rockers, here's the band you've all been waiting for.
Thumbs of Rock! They're ready to blow your minds with a mind-blowing performance.
But before they compete for the $100,000 prize, - let's find out how they got here.
- Oh, we took a bus.
All right! So, Ashely, why don't you tell us how it all got started.
Huh.
'Cause she's the lead singer, she gets to answer all the questions! All right, Wendell, why don't you tell us how it all got started.
Why you asking me? She's the lead singer.
All right, I'll take this one.
Our band started where all great bands start.
In a garage where you found your collective voice.
Uh, no.
At the game pit down at the River Walk.
It all began with a new game called Rock Hero Five.
All right, guys, we have enough for one game.
- Babysitter Rampage.
- No way, man.
Nanny Massacre.
- Oh! - Sorry, guys.
I think you're forgetting it's my turn to pick this week.
[both groaning.]
Don't worry.
I'm picking the hottest new release out there.
Piòata Puppy Party.
[both groaning.]
Oh! It's the new version of Rock Hero.
Can't believe they have a demo here.
I call guitar.
- I call bass.
- I call bassoon.
What kind of rock band doesn't have a bassoon? [chuckles.]
Every rock band doesn't have a bassoon! Take the drums.
Excuse me.
Hey, you can't play here.
Why not? Because you belong on a big stage! I'm talkin' kids' parties, and mattress store openings, and maybe, someday, you'll work your way up to a quinceaòera.
[all gasping.]
Awesome! What's that? Forgive his ignorance.
A quinceaòera is that special day when a young Latina girl celebrates her quinceaòera.
With my help, you guys could actually do something with your lives instead of just playing video games.
- But we are just playing a video game.
- No.
You were rockin' the video game.
I mean, the crowd doesn't care that you're not playing real instruments.
But if you wanna go big time, there is something you - need that you don't have.
- A bassoon! - No.
- Oh.
- Me as your manager.
- Manager? [laughs.]
What do you know about rock and roll? [whistles.]
[guitar riff solo.]
Apparently he knows something.
[title music.]
Gamer's Guide Gamer's Guide 1x19 - "The Rock Band" Gamer's Guide I've been working on a signature move.
I spin my bass around my neck, catch it, and keep on wailin'.
Way to go.
You broke your guitar.
- And my ceiling! - Hey, this is rock and roll, man.
If stuff's not breaking, you're not doing it right.
Good news.
American Talent Factor is coming to Redwood.
So I waited in line all night to score you guys an audition.
Uh Yeah, we already signed up for that on the website.
I know.
That's what they told me when I got to the front of the line.
Point is, we're in.
Do you guys actually think you have a shot at winning? Heck yeah.
Rock and roll is in their souls.
- All we need is a singer.
- Oh, we're on it.
Franklin's setting up an audition at Billy's right now.
Well, I sing in my church choir.
[derisive laughter.]
Church choir? We're not a bunch of old ladies in bathrobes.
You're in that choir, too.
[whispers.]
Yeah, but I don't tell people about it.
[scoffs.]
"Church choir.
" [rock music plays, then stops.]
Hey.
[music resumes, stops.]
Man.
[music resumes, stops.]
Hey man.
I call that one "Hey, man.
" Thank you, Stu.
That's great.
We'll be in touch.
[whispers loudly.]
We won't be in touch.
Well, that's it.
There's no one else on the list.
We're never gonna find anybody that can rock! [rock music.]
# I am here to rock, sing and dance # Sorry, boys, but you missed your chance, yeah [clatter.]
[feedback.]
You heard me.
You missed your chance.
Wow, that was amazing! We gotta find somebody just like her! Wait.
Ash! You're in! Your team is auditioning in there right now for a chance at the big show.
You must be nervous.
Please.
When you're the manager of a world-class video game-based rock band, you don't get nervous.
What was that? I can't tell! Was that a yea or a nay?! [grunts.]
Oh, we were nayed.
I knew we'd be nayed, 'cause you're talentless hacks that didn't listen to me.
Gah! We made it!! [yelling.]
I always believed in them.
So talented.
Hey, guys.
- I was wondering if I could just - Oh, here we go.
Now that we're gonna be on American Talent Factor, everybody wants a picture.
All right, no, I just wanted An autograph? It never ends! [scoffs.]
[scoffs.]
- I just wanted your ketchup.
- Oh! Uh - Here ya go.
- This was my best shirt.
I hope you're ready.
'Cause when we win this thing, - it's gonna lead to a movie deal! - Come on, Ash.
We'll probably just get a TV show first.
That's the great thing about living in this town of nobodies.
There's absolutely no competition.
Behold.
The Rainmaker has arrived out of nowhere!.
What are you doing here, Ronald? Ronald? There is no Ronald.
I'm the Rainmaker, and I'm preparing to dazzle the judges on American Talent Factor.
- Uh, you do magic? - No.
A party clown does magic.
I am an illusionist.
I'm also a party clown.
Here's my card.
The name's Ronald.
Uh, one little problem, Ronald.
You need a golden ticket to get on American Talent Factor.
You mean like this? - That's a menu.
- Yes, but what I ordered - was a golden ticket.
Ha! - You got a ticket? Of course I did, because I am on fire.
Ha ha! Oh! Oh, oh, hey! You have been illusioned! You know you just burned your ticket.
The Rainmaker is gonna make some calls.
[coughing.]
Did we feel the pressure of winning the competition? No question.
Did we have to step up our game? Absolutely.
Did I become one of those jerks who answers his own questions? Not a chance.
Ya know, I just kept it cool and calm.
We were supposed to have practice at 4:00! It's 4:03, and we haven't even played one note! Do you people even wanna win?! Whoa! You gotta chill out, brother.
Your negative vibes are harshing my inner peace.
You may not know this, but before we formed a band, I was kind of an angry person.
But then, the music spoke to me, and I went out and got me some mood crystals, made a shell necklace, and a toaster fell on my head.
So you know what I say now? Eat a bag of love, Conor.
- What is wrong with you? - No, brother.
- What is right with us? - Oh Don't fight it, friend.
No, no, I can talk.
It's just some band rehearsal thing.
Nothing important.
Uh, Ashley? - Who are you talking to? - Uh, nobody.
The truth is, I wasn't talking to nobody.
I was actually talking to somebody.
My new agent, about my future as a solo artist.
But I decided to keep it to myself so I didn't hurt anyone's feelings.
I have an agent now, because I'm more talented and better than you.
Franklin, can you believe this? Wait.
Why is Franklin not here? Franklin's always here.
[groaning.]
'Sup, pickle bags? Let's just get this over with.
Franklin, what's that smell? Are you drinking milk again? Whoa! Who made you the calcium cop?! Can't a boy strengthen his bones without getting judged? Brother, you know you're not allowed to drink milk.
Your mother says it makes you irritable and gassy.
- That woman's a liar! - There's irritable.
[all groaning.]
There's gassy.
Look, all bands grow apart over time.
Not necessarily during the first practice, but it happens.
Anyway, the whole rehearsal was a disaster.
So I knew I need to call an emergency team meeting to get us back on track.
Okay.
Look, guys, we're gonna be on American Talent Factor this weekend, going up against some pretty serious competition.
Yeah.
If you guys wanna win, you really gotta step up your game.
- Where's Ashley? - Oh, hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
So I'm quitting the band.
See ya.
Whoa.
What? My agent got me a solo gig, singing at the state fair.
I'm opening for the guy who grew the world's biggest squash.
[country music.]
State fair? Prize-winning dairy cows? Oh, I'm in.
Okay, wait! I'm the leader of this band, and I'm ordering you to stay.
Oh.
Well, maybe you shouldn't be the leader.
I'm the only one with talent in this band anyway.
All right, guys, there's a lot of negative energy here.
I'm gonna go down to the river and read haikus to the tadpoles.
Okay, guys, stop.
What is happening here? Our band is falling apart.
Don't worry, Conor.
I'm the manager.
Let me manage.
You know, guys, if you aren't serious about this, then maybe you should just break up.
- Okay.
- Sounds good.
- Later, man.
[gasps.]
You guys really need a better manager.
Gimme another round.
And no two percent.
I want cream, lady! Can you keep it down? I'm on the phone with my agent.
And I'm trying to Zen out over here.
[fake crying.]
Hey, there.
I'm here to pick up an order for my sick friend.
His name's Conor.
[loudly.]
I said his name's Conor! ALL: Conor? Oh, hey, guys.
I didn't see you there.
Yeah, Conor's not doing so good.
After the band broke up, he fell off a cliff.
[all gasping.]
Of sadness.
[relieved sighs.]
Then he got hit by a train.
[gasping.]
Of depression.
[relieved sighs.]
- Then he got bit by a dog.
- Of despair? No, the Murphy's Chihuahua.
It's a mean little rat dog.
Well, talk to you guys later.
[fake crying.]
[chuckles.]
Ah, got you, Charlie.
King me.
I'm not kingin' nothin'.
You're a dirty cheat, and I know for a fact, you're the one who shaved my horse! Gah! Look, I didn't really lose my marbles.
It's a story as old as time.
Band breaks up due to creative differences, and the leader fakes a trip to Cuckoo Town to get 'em back together.
[gasps.]
Oh, no! It's you.
You're the mermaid who sneaks in at night and resets my clock! Not today, mer-lady! Doctor said the only thing that might help him snap out of this is the memory of a good time.
Ah! Hey, Conor, remember that time we went to the water park A good time with music.
He specifically said music should be involved in the memory.
Well, I guess we could play our song one more time.
Yes! I mean, if you think that would work.
Alright.
When there's good times, we rock When there's bad times, we roll That's the meaning of the secret code What we're told is keep the faith Don't let it explode For the record, we saw his plan coming a mile away.
Had 'em fooled the whole time.
Welcome to American Talent Factor! Our judges are ready to see our finalists.
All right, guys, when we bust through these doors and out onto that stage, we're gonna make history! You ready? - It's show time! - Rock and roll! - Whoo hoo! - What's up, Redwood?! Oh! Uh ha! Sorry, man, could you tell us where the stage is? You're gonna go down past those boxes, take a left, take one more left, and it'll be on your right.
Got it.
Thanks, man.
- Thank you.
- Whoo! - It's show time! - Rock and roll! What's up, Redwood?! Seriously? Hey.
Hey.
[audience cheering.]
Let's hear it for Stu! [all panting.]
- Okay, this has gotta be it.
- It's show time! - Rock and roll! - Whoo hoo! Is this our school? And now for my final illusion, behold the art of levitation.
[forced laugh.]
[imitating siren.]
Uh-oh, sounds like I'm about to be arrested for breaking the law of gravity.
[laughing.]
Oh, gosh, these lights are a lot lower than I thought.
Oh, boy! [sizzling electricity.]
[screaming.]
[heavy thud.]
Oh you've been illusioned! Gosh darn it.
Well, it looks like Thumbs of Rock isn't going to make it.
Wait, they're here, they're here! From gamers to rockers, here's the band you've all been waiting for.
Thumbs of Rock!! They're ready to blow your minds with a mind-blowing performance.
But before they compete for the $100,000 prize, - let's find out how they got here.
- Oh, we took a bus.
All right! - All right, you guys ready to do this? - Yeah.
I am, but the console's not.
Oh You smashed our game console, you jerk! But you'll never be able to prove anything when the evidence disappears.
Ha ha! [hammer thuds.]
Ow! Illusioned! Ow Whoa! Without the console, we're nothing.
Wait, that's not true.
Some other band left their instruments.
- We can rock this show for real! - Oh! Are you crazy? - We can't play real instruments.
- Sure, we can.
We know our song backwards and forwards.
Rock and roll is in our souls, remember? [crowd cheering and chanting.]
You hear that audience? They believe in us.
Are we gonna believe in us? - Yeah! - Let's do it! Rock on.
[rock music.]
When it's good times, we rock Yeah When it's bad times, we roll But the world keeps turning anyway That's the meaning of the secret code What we're told is keep the faith Don't let it explode [singing off-key.]
# When there's good times # We rock, rock [discordant playing.]
[audience booing.]
It was the worst performance of all time.
We're great gamers, but a horrible band.
And in the end, the best performer won.
You've won America's hearts, and you're headed for Hollywood.
This is your moment.
What would you like to say to the world? Uh Cool.
[appreciative whistle.]
[sighs.]
[guitar riff solo.]
[cracks.]
[screams.]
[coughs.]
Rock and roll