Gary Unmarried (2008) s01e19 Episode Script

I mean, it's like, it's just driving me crazy, Gary.
There is something I'm supposed to tell you and I can't remember what it is.
- Well, who cares? Forget about it, Dad.
- No, it's important.
Why can't I remember anything? Lots of reasons, Dad.
Ounces and ounces of reasons.
- Hey, Grandpa.
- Hey, Louise, did I ask you to remind me of anything? Yeah.
You said if anyone ever asks, that you were with us at the movies.
No, that's not it, but that still stands.
- Hi, Jack.
- How you doing? Okay, Gary, I hate to break it to you, but it's time to put your nose to the grindstone.
Oh, no, Allison, I thought we agreed.
You don't really like it and I'm not good at it.
No, no, you're not.
Look, Gary, I'm talking about buckling down this weekend, because Tom is failing history.
And you wanna know why? - 'Cause there's too much of it? - Look No.
Because he didn't do his report on Herbert Hoover.
This happens every time he's here, Gary.
Okay, that sounds accusatory.
Well, then I nailed it 'cause I'm accusing you! Look, Gary, you never make him do his work.
Hey, Tommy, how come you didn't do your report on Herbert Hoover? Because it was my weekend with you, Dad.
And as a child of divorce, I try to spend what little time we have creating memories together.
You did that "child of divorce" speech on me once in the pet store and now I'm stuck raising your stupid pygmy hamster.
Gary, you have to chip in and be tougher on Tommy.
I'm so tired of having to be the nag all the time.
We're all tired of it, Allison.
We're exhausted.
Look, Gary, Gary, I talked to his teacher, and he'll let him make up his report.
But it has to be in on Monday, and it has to be good, or he is going to flunk, and the next thing you know, he's gonna be painting houses.
No offense.
Hello, ma'am.
Is your husband home? I'll tell you what, little girl, I'll take a box of Thin Mints and some Tagalongs.
- Gary! - Mitch! - Uncle Mitch! - Hey! How you doing? Look at you guys.
How are you? Wow.
You guys got big.
If we were in Afghanistan, you'd be working in the opium fields, and you'd be getting married.
- Hey, Mitch.
- And you, Allison, wow.
- As they say over there, you look lovely.
- Oh, wow.
Thank you.
Hey.
Dad, is this what you were trying to remember? Yeah, your brother's come home from Afghanistan.
How you doing, Dad? - Good to see you.
- Wow.
How come you didn't pick me up at the airport? He was with us at the movies.
So we're 200 miles outside of Kabul.
I'm in the lead vehicle.
My turret gunner spots something up ahead, and it's moving erratically.
So we don't take any chances.
We call in an air strike.
Five minutes later Get them! - Turns out it was just a goat.
- You killed a goat? No, no, no.
We missed him by, like, 11 kilometers.
Little fellow came onboard with us.
He was our mascot for the next eight months.
Yeah.
Till Christmas.
Then we ate him.
- I'm kidding.
I'm just kidding.
- No! - I'm kidding.
We didn't eat him.
- Okay.
We ate him.
So am I old enough for you to explain this half-brother thing to me? Sure.
Well, your Uncle Mitch and I, we have different mothers who live far apart.
And summers, we would spend with Dad.
Wait.
Grandpa Jack had two wives? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You wanna handle that one, McLovin? Well, it was the late '60s, you know.
We were not really married.
Officially.
You know, Brother Groovy said, "These are your old ladies for as long as it's cool," and Okay, you know what? But Grandpa Jack loved both these women very much, and that's why Daddy and Uncle Mitch are half-brothers.
The end.
Yeah, but how could Grandpa Jack be in love with two women? Hey, Tommy.
You love peanut butter and jelly, right? Yeah, and if you can have them both at the same time I said the end! Okay? Anyway, I'm gonna go.
Okay? Mitch, congratulations on your retirement.
It's really great to have you back.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
I'm just glad to be someplace where I'm not forced to go to a Toby Keith concert.
Well, if there's anything I can do for you, just let me know.
- Great.
Will you marry me? - Oh, you.
Come on, Allison.
Don't tell me Gary's in your league and I'm not.
Well, Gary was never in my league to begin with.
You know, he was He was more like a drunk spectator who ran onto the field.
Gary, I'm going to be by tomorrow to pick up Louise for golf camp.
- And please, please remember - Yeah, Tommy's paper.
- Herbert Hoover.
10 pages.
I got it.
- Yes.
Thank you.
We're gonna take care of it.
You heard her, Tom.
I want two pages written by 10:00 tonight.
And if I catch you in your room horsing around She's gone.
Listen.
Louise, you're in charge of food.
Order a pizza, Meat Lovers.
You can eat around the murder.
All right.
Tommy, you're in charge of beers, okay? Imported before domestics, bottles before cans.
If you get to the point where Daddy's drinking domestic out of a can, tell me it's time for bed.
- Check.
- All right.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Look.
We're only doing this 'cause your Uncle Mitch is home and it's a big deal.
But tomorrow, you gotta get started on that paper, okay? - Okay.
Fine.
- Good.
- What? What's so funny? - You as a dad.
It always cracks me up.
I'm a better dad than you were a Marine.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
I had an entire platoon follow my every order.
- You can barely control two kids.
- Yeah, but you had a gun.
So are you really gonna make me sleep on this couch? No, you don't have to sleep on the couch.
You can get the bottom bunk in Tommy's room, too, I guess.
Or I could have your room.
- No, you're not getting my room.
- I'll wrestle you for it.
- No.
What? We're gonna wrestle for it? - Yeah.
We're not children.
We're not gonna wrestle every time you don't get your way, like when we were kids.
- Well, then give me your room.
- No, I'm not giving you my room.
- You can either sleep on the couch - I don't want the couch.
Well, how about the bottom bunk in Tommy's room? - I don't want the bunk.
- It's nice.
He's got a TV - in his room.
You're not getting - I want your room.
Wrestle.
Hey! Hey! Tom, you got movement at your three o'clock.
Swivel and fire! Swivel and fire! It's too loud! I got the enemy all over here.
Louise, help! Hang on, let me switch to my grenade launcher! Die, you Nazi scum! Guys! - Hey, Gare.
- Hi, Dad.
Hi, Daddy.
It's a little loud.
Sorry, hippie.
You know what else is loud? Real war.
Louise? "Die, you Nazi scum"? Big fan of the Nazis, Dad? Great.
Probably woke up all the neighbors.
Good job, really.
All right! What the hell is going on, Brooks? It's 2:00 in the a.
m.
Hey, Mr.
Biscazzi.
They were just playing a video game.
- And - Excuse me.
Good evening, sir.
- Yeah, hey.
- Staff Sergeant Mitchell Brooks.
We had an audio malfunction with the gaming device, but the situation's been remedied.
I wake up early, you know.
I watercise.
Of course you do.
Even through your robe I can see that you pursue an intense fitness regime.
Don't worry about it, sir.
You won't be bothered again for the rest of the night.
You have my word.
All right.
You got it.
Don't worry about nothing.
Keep it down.
Great job, Mitch.
You almost got us all whacked.
All right, come on, kids.
Go to bed, okay? - All right.
- Hey, I'm sorry, man.
All right? Kids were just keeping me company.
Besides, after I woke them up, they couldn't get back to sleep.
I'm going back to bed.
I gotta work in the morning.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Since you're here, you wanna help me get through the next level? - No.
- Come on.
No.
I have to go to work.
What's the matter - I'll wrestle you for it.
- No.
No.
- I'm going to bed.
- Hey.
Wuss.
Don't do it I can't believe you bit me.
War is hell.
- Hey.
- Morning, Dad.
Well, I see reveille is a little loosey-goosey around here, huh? Grab some chow.
Uncle Mitch let me and Tom cook breakfast.
Here's the thing, Mitch.
We usually don't cook breakfast in the kitchen because of Well, this.
And I fired the cleaning lady.
I had to 'cause she divorced me.
Hey, don't worry about it, Gary.
We'll jump on KP as soon as we're done playing hoops.
Let's go! - Hey, we don't have a hoop.
- We do now.
Uncle Mitch rolled Mr.
Biscazzi's over to our driveway.
You stole that guy's hoop? Gary, I fought for the man's freedom, all right.
I think he'd want me to have it.
- Let's go! - Yeah.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hot stuff.
Wait a minute.
You got a Herbert Hoover report.
- I have today and tomorrow, Dad.
- Well, okay.
Well, you know, I don't want you fooling around with the margins this time.
Your last report looked like a grocery list.
It won't be that hard, okay? Herbert Hoover was born, he did some stuff, he was president.
See? I'm already on page six.
Hey! You guys can play for 15 minutes.
That's it.
Oh, man.
- Hey, Gary.
- Hi.
- I see you're doing the dishes.
- Yeah.
I have a question.
Why are the kids outside playing basketball in their pajamas? 'Cause they both suck at rugby.
Gary, Louise has to be at golf camp in 40 minutes, and I bet Tom hasn't even started on his report.
Oh, really? How much would you like to bet? - $ 100.
- I was just bluffing.
He hasn't started.
Louise, Tom, get in here! Gary, this is so typical of you.
I am taking Tom back to my house to make sure he'll get it done.
- All right? - Oh, no.
No, you Whoa.
Time out.
This is my house.
These are my kids and my rules.
Back off, okay? He'll get it done.
He's playing with his uncle.
Relax.
Okay, listen.
How many times do I have to say this? You can't have fun until the work is done.
That's a good one, Scary Poppins.
Louise, honey, go get ready for golf camp.
- Okay.
- Tom, start on your report.
Whoa.
The kids are with me.
They go by my rules.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Tom, Louise, just, you know, do what your mom said.
I'll put it back, Mr.
Biscazzi.
What's that? No, you're awesome! - Wow.
Hi, Allison.
- Hi.
Did you get prettier since last night? Come on, Mitch.
I'm a mess.
Gary, how'd you let this one get away? I lit the barn on fire and I slapped her on the ass.
You know what, Mitch, you got all the looks, the charm, the brains.
And Gary, you got to give me half of everything you own.
I gotta go get to work, and I'm gonna bring Tommy with me to make sure he finishes his report.
Okay? No, don't do that.
Just leave him here.
He'll do it here.
No.
Didn't you hear what Allison said? He's gotta finish this thing.
It's important.
- I'll make sure he gets it done.
- How? How are you gonna do that? You can't wrestle Tommy into writing a report.
I tried.
It doesn't work.
Look, I know how important this is, all right? Don't worry.
Once I know my mission, I'm on it.
- You sure? - It's done.
- Tommy's report? - Done.
- You'll clean the kitchen? - Done.
- Mr.
Biscazzi? - Dead.
No! No, just bring him his hoop back.
- Okay? - Right.
Glad I asked.
Mitch! Tom? Hey, you guys! Mitch! Tom! Here.
- This is not KFC.
- Yes, it is.
It's the new grilled chicken.
You'll like it.
Gary, it's so tender.
You can taste all the herbs and spices.
Do you think there's like five herbs and six spices? I don't know.
Just eat it.
Okay? What if it's like 10 herbs and one amazing spice? I hope this conversation never ends.
Hey, Mitch, it's Gary.
Hey, Gary.
What's going on? Well, Tom's almost done with the greatest report on Hoover ever.
Well, that's great.
Come on home.
I picked up dinner.
We had a little car trouble.
We might not be home for a while.
I'll come pick you up.
Where are you guys? Las Vegas.
Nevada? Well, people are smoking indoors and drinking outdoors, so I'm gonna say, yeah, Nevada.
- Dad? God, you got here fast.
- Yeah, you know, you drive really fast when your kid's been taken across state lines.
- We crossed a state line? - Yes, Tommy.
And when you're done with your report on Hoover, maybe we can start one on the geography of the Southwest.
- Where's Mitch? - He's in the casino.
Okay.
I'm gonna go kill him.
You call the concierge, tell them I need a big bag of lime and a shovel.
Oh, hey.
When you see Uncle Mitch, tell him we have tickets to Danny Gans at 11:00.
No, you don't.
You don't have tickets to Danny Gans at 11:00, 'cause you're gonna be in the car with me at 11:00, and that's it! Oh, hey, Gare.
Wow, this is awkward.
We only have three tickets for Danny Gans.
No one is going to Danny Gans.
Okay? What? You called in sick to work so you can go on a road trip to Vegas with Mitch? Why didn't you just tell me that? You never would have signed off on it.
Let's not play that game, Son.
I want you guys dressed and packed.
Meet me in the lobby in 15 minutes, okay? 15 minutes! You know, I just got back from the war.
So if you're looking to tie a yellow ribbon around something, I've got a few suggestions for you.
- Mitch.
Mitch! - Hey.
What the hell are you doing? Ow! Rolling the hard 10! That's what I'm doing.
Are you crazy, bringing Tommy all the way out here? Hey, I told you on the phone.
We were at home working on his report, and the place was all messy and depressing, you know? Well, who's fault is that? Hey, it's not my fault you divorced your hot cleaning lady.
Yes! So instead of cleaning up, you come to Vegas? Yeah! His report was on Hoover, so I figured Hoover Dam's only a couple hours away by car.
- It's four hours away by car.
- Three, Grandma.
- Here.
Blow on these.
- Time out.
Six the hard way.
- There you go.
- Give it.
Give it.
Give it.
Yes! Yes! So you tossed my son in a car and you drag him across the desert? Yeah! We stopped in Barstow for lunch.
Hey, by the way, have you had this grilled chicken from KFC? It's amazing.
You should've called me, Mitch.
You should've called me.
It's chicken, man.
I figured I'd just tell you the next time I saw you.
- My son has a paper due, Mitch.
- I know.
And he's doing it, all right? He's just doing it in Las Vegas.
You know, we had a lot of fun today.
You can't have fun until the work is done.
- Did I just say that? - I know I didn't.
Oh, my gosh.
Do you see what you've done, you big dummy? You've turned me into Allison! - We're leaving, now.
- I'm not going anywhere.
We're leaving.
You're gonna march upstairs, pack your bags and we're going home.
Let's go.
Stop yelling at me, Allison.
Don't call me Allison.
We're leaving.
You sure? 'Cause I got you a room.
It's under the name "Allison.
" - Excuse me, Officer.
- What now? I have it on good authority that this prisoner is smuggling drugs somewhere on his person.
- And where would that be? - In his vagina.
Ow! - Help! Help! - Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Give me that! Great.
Now we don't have a broom.
What happened to you, man? You used to be fun.
I have children, Mitch, okay? When you have children, somebody has to be the responsible adult.
Usually that's Allison.
But when you come to town, you act like me, so I have to act like Allison.
I'm just acting like me.
You're not acting like you.
You're acting like me.
Staying up past the kids' bedtime, playing video games all the time, driving off to Vegas.
That's classic me! You're stealing my bit! And the worst part is, now because you're around, I see Allison's point of view on everything.
I've made that woman's life a living hell.
And if you ever tell her I said that, I swear to God I will kill you.
Not if I kill you first.
Which I could do right now with anything in this room.
No, you couldn't.
Go ahead, find something.
Ah! - I was just looking for a paperclip.
- I know.
- These your sons? - Afraid so.
Didn't believe in spanking, did you? I thought I raised you guys better than this.
Dad, you didn't raise us at all.
Well, then this was inevitable.
- He started it.
- He tackled me.
- He said I had a vagina! - You do! Hey, hey! Knock it off! Knock it off! Look at you two.
God, fighting like teenagers.
You should be helping each other out.
You both have been through terrible situations.
One of you has been in a senseless quagmire fighting a devious enemy, and Mitch was in a war.
You should have each other's backs.
You're family.
I'm pretty sure.
- Dad's right, you know.
- Sorry, Dad.
You're Thanks.
All right, you two can go.
Your fine's been paid.
I had to cash in the Danny Gans tickets.
Sorry, Grandpa.
That's all right, Tommy.
His act hasn't been the same since his partner got eaten by a tiger.
- Dad, I'm pretty sure - Mitch.
Why? Why? Just All right, so I guess we're driving home then.
That would be the responsible thing to do.
It's a shame.
We got a free hotel suite, drink coupons.
The car's not gonna be ready till tomorrow.
Well, it would be responsible to drive home.
Dad, do me a favor.
Will you watch Tom for a couple hours? 'Cause me and my brother are gonna go hit the tables! - Yeah! That's the Gary I know! - Yes! All right.
I'm proud of you guys, you know? Getting out of jail, going out gambling together.
- I can't wait to tell your sister.
- We have a sister? Yeah, you remember that peanut butter and jelly? You know, well, it turns out I may have washed it down with a glass of hot chocolate.
Hey, hey.
You guys didn't happen to see a - It's in the top drawer.
- It's in the top drawer.
I've got to say, Tommy did a really great job on his report.
He really did, you know.
Mitch and I just took turns staying with him in his bedroom making sure he didn't horse around - and he got the job done.
- Yeah.
You know, this section on the Hoover Dam? It's almost like he was there.
Really.
Well, that's the Internet for you.
You know, it can take you anywhere in the world.
- Great job, Gary.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Hey, this is for you.
- What is it? - Just open it.
Go ahead.
Wow, Gary.
It's beautiful.
What is this for? Just, just You put up with a lot of stuff, so that's for you.
- It's really sweet.
Thank you.
- You got it.
Well, I'm gonna go home.
Mitch and I are gonna have a couple beers and unwind from all the work we put in helping Tommy with his report.
So how was Danny Gans? We had to sell the tickets so Tommy could bail us out of jail.
- This is not over! - It never is.