Go On s01e19 Episode Script
Go For The Gold Watch
1 Terry, darlingsorry Terrell, darling, are the ratings out yet? I need to know how I did in the L.
A.
market.
Why do you care? People love you.
Yeah, but I want them to love me most.
Right now I'm number three.
Say you were the third best receiver on a team.
Wouldn't happen.
I'm always open.
Okay, but-- Throw something to me when I least expect it.
You know, I don't know why I obsess on these things.
I'm never gonna beat El Mandril.
Look at him up there, so happy with his sexy posse.
You know, he's-- ha! Amazing.
Hey, delivery just came in from our owner Mr.
James Leopold.
The gold watch.
- Does this mean-- - Take a look.
Oh, my God.
- I'm number one! - You're number one! I'm number one! I'm number one! He's number one! I can see my face gentrifying the neighborhood right now.
Say I'm a local lowlife.
Should I do street sex or street drugs? Wait, I should be a doctor.
Yeah! Always open.
Both: Wow.
- I'm number one! - Here he comes.
- Go, Ryan! [Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
I just wanted to say that I couldn't do this without you.
We've all been on a journey together.
And when I look out at all of these faces-- No, I couldn't get there, but I wanted to.
I wanted to.
[Laughter and applause.]
Where's Terrell Owens? We're celebrating NFL style! Oh! We are doing this every day.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Rock music.]
Guess what, you guys are looking at the host of the number one radio show in L.
A.
[Cheers and applause.]
No, no, no.
Don't clap for me.
Clap for yourselves.
If it wasn't for the support of you-- No, still nothing.
I'm a robot.
I'm happy for you, Ryan.
But it's a hard day for the old number one El Mandril.
Listen.
[Laughing.]
He is suffering.
There is a sadness to his horny cackle.
Ryan, how are you gonna celebrate? My friend Steven's taking me out - for a steak dinner.
- Oh.
No, thanks.
[Chuckles.]
Wyatt has me on a very strict no-red-meat diet, and I don't miss it at all.
Beef, steak, meatballs-- I don't even think about it.
French dip, hot dogs, meatballs.
- You said meatballs already.
- Did I? God, it's so funny how you repeat things you do not think about.
So what's going on with you, cheesesteaks? Uh, my divorce papers finally came through.
All: Oh! - Yeah.
Free man for the first time since sixth grade.
Danny, you haven't flirted with a girl since sixth grade? No, but it's like riding a bicycle.
I think I still got it.
- What's up, fart face? - What? Hey, Son-yuch.
Got something here for ya.
Right here.
Noogie, noogie, noogie, noogie, noogie, noogie.
Damn it! You messed up my bomb-ass weave, and I'm all out of hair glue! - Ooh.
- Hey, buddy.
If you want Sonia to like you, you may wanna update some of your moves.
Maybe you can help Danny.
You are very good with women.
Yeah, would you, Ryan? Please, I don't have any more male friends since I lost 'em all that horrible night in Kandahar.
All: Ooh.
Yeah, we were all pretty drunk when I mentioned I do a great Nicole Kidman impression.
Somewhere between getting naked and tucking my junk between my legs, it went wrong.
War.
Oh, Dan, I'd love to help you out, but I don't wanna.
Don't worry about it.
Sonia and I probably aren't a good match anyway.
You actually are 98% compatible, according to this.
It's an algorithm I developed for truesoulm8.
com.
That's mate with an eight.
You can find your perfect match by answering eight simple questions.
What is your deal? You work for NASA.
You've written a popular love-predicting algorithm.
You won't tell us your last name.
We don't know why you're in this group.
You know, Anne, unlike your generation, who's all about your Facebook updates and your sexting, I choose to keep a few things private.
All right, everybody.
See you in a little bit.
"S.
I.
T.
A.
T.
A.
W.
Y.
D.
"? What the hell do you think you're doing? [Gasps.]
Oh, man.
It's K.
I want answers.
We all do.
I've been busting my ass, digging up information for the last six months, and I will not see that ruined because some rookie decided to play Nancy Drew.
He knows you're on to him, and he'll clam up.
- What have you found out? - Very little.
There was a former NASA employee named Benjamin Kakowski.
Okay.
I staked out his apartment for about three days until I finally got a clean photo.
- Oh, God! - Yeah, it wasn't him.
Maybe we'd get better results if we teamed up? Okay, fine, but we do this my way.
Okay.
We're not gonna leave here till we can crack this code.
Oh, I forgot my wallet and my day planner.
My whole life is in these.
I may not be good at this.
[Rock music.]
Congratulations, Mr.
King.
There he is.
- Number one is in the house! - Yeah! Now before we sit, I thought we'd take a walk around.
Rich Eisen, my Nemesis.
Did you set me up for a gloat walk? - Yeah, I did! - Okay.
If we're gonna do this, I'm on the inside and you're on the outside, when we round the corner-- You'll be in primo gloat position.
Let's go.
- Congratulations, Ryan.
- Hey, drinks on me tonight.
I don't know who you are.
Why would he say that? - Way to go, Ryan! - 100%-- - Rich Eisen.
- Ryan King.
You know, I would've thought a man like you would be at the front booth.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
You can't be because that's where I am.
Congrats on being the number one host of a local show in a dying medium.
Well, congrats to you on-- We're on the wrong side.
- How did that happen? - Okay.
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
I mean, that's it.
I'm just gonna have to have Warren Sapp kick his ass.
At any rate, back to Sanchez.
Here's the deal.
You did not just double gloat walk me.
- Turn his lamp off.
- Yeah.
No more bread, bitch.
Best part of the meal! Thanks a lot, buddy.
This is the best night ever.
You deserve it, bud.
And there's one more thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the latest caricature to adorn our walls-- the new number one in L.
A.
radio Ryan King.
[Cheers and applause.]
Come on.
Feel that love, Ryan.
Congratulations, buddy.
You gotta be so happy.
Right.
'Cause if I'm not now, I-I never will be.
[Watch ticking.]
[Watch ticking loudly.]
I still don't know who that is.
Ryan, are you okay? I may need a moment.
- Your food, Mr.
King.
- Oh, thanks.
Oh, sir, that's a hot plate.
Yes, very hot.
It hurts a great deal.
[Knock at door.]
Hey, it's me.
Thanks for coming.
I'm not in the best place right now.
Steak, huh? You know, since I quit eating meat, I have so much more energy, and I'm sleeping better.
And is that a New York strip? You want a bite? No, no, I'm good.
Okay.
[Sniffs.]
What's going on? Well, through all this Janie stuff, I kept thinking, you know, if I could just get a win, then I would be magically back in check.
- [Inhales.]
- And then today, something amazing happened, and I'm just as miserable as I was yesterday.
Here, just take it.
Oh, thank you so much.
[Deep breath.]
Everything that you're describing is totally normal.
You know, when I was overweight, I thought if I could just get thinner, then I would have it all figured out.
Then I did lose the weight, and I was still a mess.
You can't seek happiness from outside sources.
Happiness comes from within.
Oh, you chewy little bitch.
Oh, that's what a mouth is for! Mmm! [Sighs.]
So that's your big idea? - Happiness comes from within? - Mm-hmm.
How am I supposed to do that? A lot of people believe that the key to happiness is in helping others.
The joy that I receive from helping you guys is so much more than I would ever get from just helping myself.
Help someone else, that will fix you.
Can't we just take a pill? What's Fausta on? Can I just take a bunch of that? Really, help people? Yeah.
[Sighs.]
Okay, fine.
Yes, fine.
I will help people.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Come here.
Okay.
[Splash.]
[Gasps.]
Ugh.
No.
Lauren, Project "Be Happy By Helping Others" - is a complete disaster.
- Oh.
I joined this big brothers thing, and they gave me this rich teenage bratty kid.
I'm fairly certain I'm just his driver.
Are you done yet? I'm bored! [Yelling.]
Why don't you try walking and get a little exercise? Maybe you would have more success helping someone you have a personal connection with.
- This sucks! - No, you suck! - What's wrong, Danny? - It's Sonia.
I was trying to be flirty, so I gave her a wedgie.
Wait, this is perfect.
Danny, I would like to help you.
I'm gonna make sure that you and Sonia get together.
Oh, thank you.
Just tell me what I need to do, and I'll do it.
Ryan, there's a fat kid in a blazer peeing on your Porsche.
This is on you, Lauren.
He is a bad kid.
Danny, you gotta get rid of the grade school pickup moves.
We gotta spruce up your wardrobe and start playing to your strengths, which are-- In the army, I mastered the ability of playing dead.
Now I never actually used it in combat, but it did get me out of seeing a U.
S.
O.
show with Gary Sinise's rock band.
Okay.
We gotta you into a low-pressure, romance-friendly situation, like a-- like a dinner party.
That's a great idea.
K, you could host at the place where you live.
[Whispers.]
What are you doing? That sounds great.
I'd love to help out a couple 98-percenters.
Shall we say tomorrow evening at 7:00? All right.
Lauren, if you're right, by the end of the evening, I should be as happy as-- I love this song.
Yeah, there's-- there's no song, honey.
Tell me she's not on something.
Welcome to Casa de K.
[Indistinct chatter.]
Is it just me, or is this all too normal? Except for this.
"Stay in there and think about what you did.
" Good evening.
Welcome, guests.
Tonight's meal will be prepared from the secret recipes of the person who I am the closest to in this world, my dear mother.
The chef's duties will be performed by Louisiana's own Kate Harrington, an accountant I met at the pharmacy.
Let's go over what we know.
The paper I found said, "S.
I.
T.
A.
T.
A.
W.
Y.
D.
" Now we have this pillow that says, "Stay in there and think about what you did.
" Wait.
S.
I.
T.
A.
T.
A.
W.
Y.
D.
It's an acronym.
You're just now getting that? What's wrong with you? How much weed did you smoke in the '70s? A lot.
What's your point? Where is Danny? I told him if he got here early, I'd give him some tips.
What? Well, Lauren said if I helped him out, somehow I'd be happier.
No one has ever become poor by giving.
Anne Frank said that.
Which reminds me, I need to get her book back from Ray Lewis.
Yolanda, this is my temporary assistant Terrell Owens.
I've never been more turned on in my life.
Okay.
Anyway, I think Danny's gonna do great.
He had this really sweet idea to wear the coat that his dad courted his mom in.
[Chuckles.]
I'm guessing his dad was a-- Yeah, it seems he was a doorman.
Wyatt, Mr.
K developed the algorithm for a dating site, and the compatibility score he gave Sonia and Danny is a 98.
Cool.
So what's our score? Well, I already know the answers you'd give to the questions, so let's see.
You are a 78.
Sweet, C-plus.
I mean, I didn't end up being a chiropractor because I got straight "A"s, right? [Laughter.]
Oh.
Oh.
I'll be right back.
Hey, uh, not that I believe in love math, but I kinda thought that Wyatt and I would've scored a little higher.
Oh, you and Wyatt! The 78 was for him and Fausta.
Oh! [Both laugh.]
You and Wyatt were a 23.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
Come on.
Let's go, let's go.
I come from a long line of doormen.
But it ended with me.
I didn't have the goods.
Sonia's gonna walk in any moment.
He has to look good.
You gotta go faster.
Lose the hat.
And give me the whistle.
All right, but I'd like to keep the dog treats if I may, for dad.
Oh.
[Throws whistle.]
All right.
Now let's work on that hair.
Okay.
Oh, you travel with your own hair gel? I'm sorry, am I not manly enough for the makeover you're orchestrating? Wow, Danny, you look great.
- Thanks.
- So do you, by the way.
Thanks.
It's like Sgt.
Pepper's meets The Matrix.
All right, listen to me.
You are interesting, you are delightful, and you deserve this.
I'll get that.
Wow, good open.
You're a natural.
Bet you're great at waiting for packages too.
Okay.
Let's sweep Sonia off her feet.
Come on! Hi, everyone.
Meet my date Carlo.
I'm such a loser.
I'll always be a loser.
Here, I'll get that.
Oh, now you're just showing off.
- Hey! Found his photo album.
- Ooh, let's see.
- Hey! - Aah! You guys are looking around a little bit, that's fun.
Just please don't go into the room at the end of the hall.
Says he was close to his mother.
"Stay in there and think about what you did.
" You think she's in that room? Oh, she's in there.
Dead or alive? That's the question.
Hey, Sonia, can I talk to you for a second? Whoa.
We're in the middle of a conversation, son.
Who is this guy? This is Carlo.
He works security at my apartment complex.
Upstate New York in the house.
Hey, fair warning.
If you want in on these suds, 5 bucks a cup.
Yeah, that's right.
And if I see you trying to sneak a pump with no "X" on your hand, it is show time.
Do you like Candlebox? - No.
- Strike two.
Sonia, can I talk to you for a second? What are you doing? Who is that guy? I thought you liked Danny.
What? Danny's a jerk.
[Sighs.]
Who am I kidding? He's cute, sweet, fun.
And all the wedgies, the dead legs, ahh, they make a girl feel good.
Boy, how are you guys only a 98? He's clearly about to make a move.
That's why I brought Carlo.
I self-sabotage! Forget about Carlo.
Just be out on the patio at 9:00 P.
M.
I'll make sure there's champagne and flowers and Danny.
And then you guys can kiss and then fall in love - and live happily ever after.
- Okay.
Wow.
What I'd give to see Danny in a bangin' outfit like that.
[Both speaking Spanish.]
[Both cheer.]
If you really love him, you'll let him go to Fausta.
What are you guys talking about? Mr.
K has a stupid formula that he says can determine if you're meant to be together.
That's ridiculous.
Love math? Yes, that is exactly how I belittled it.
Thank you.
You are so much smarter than I thought you were.
A lot of people think I'm dumb 'cause I hang out with Ryan-- stupidity by proxy.
Let's dial this party up a bit, shall we? - Any requests? - Candlebox! How about the only thing that I know how to play-- the middle part of that song Islands in the Stream.
- Mm.
- Hmm? Come on, Wyatt, duet! It's not my thing.
Islands in the stream that is what we are no one in between how can we be wrong? Both: Sail away with me to another world and we rely on each other uh-huh from one lover to another uh-huh [both laugh.]
You're good.
99%.
Blam-o.
[Scoffs.]
No, no, no.
I talked to Sonia.
Just be out on the porch at 9:00, and you're golden.
I'm not doing it.
Sonia wants you now! She doesn't want me.
No woman wants me.
Don't die.
Good-bye, Ryan.
Oh, my God.
You've got no pulse.
That's amazing! Wait here.
Oh, right, you're dead.
Hey, Kate, you seem like a nice person.
My friend Danny's in the other room, and he's in need of a little ego boost.
Would you go talk to him? - I'd be happy to.
- Great.
Right through there.
He's tall, thin, dead.
You can't miss him.
- Okay, open it.
- You open it.
You've been standing here an hour.
Go in, or get out of the way.
I've been tracking who I think to be Mr.
Klein for a year, and you're not gonna blow it.
All right.
[Indistinct chatter on TV.]
[Gasps.]
Mama K? Uncle Jessup? [Tense music.]
[All gasp.]
Oh, my God.
It's--it's-- It's Mr.
Belvedere.
[All gasp.]
What? - Hey, bro, you scared of a woman? - Dude, it's I-X o'clock.
I think that's 9:00.
I don't have time for this.
No way, bro.
We gotta settle this, upstate New York style.
Are you packin'? And Candlebox sucks.
[Crickets chirping.]
- Where's Danny? - He'll be here.
He's just getting his mojo back.
Hey.
[Indistinct chatter.]
I'd say it's back.
Wow.
What's her deal? The man can't even open a door.
Look at him.
He's so happy.
He does look happy.
And when you think about it, he's only happy because of me, so now I can finally be-- Oh, Sonia, I'm so sorry.
[TV chatter.]
What's this all about, K? It was the summer of 1984, and little Benjy K had just arrived in Hollywood, ready to take Tinseltown by storm.
I had just landed the lead kid role in a new show called Mr.
Belvedere.
Oh, you were gonna play Wesley? I did play Wesley! In the first episode, at least.
And then in the final scene of the piece, I was to deliver the most killer joke ever written.
I, a kid, was supposed to tell Mr.
Belvedere, a grown-up, to stay-- [Laughs.]
Oh! Even now, I can't get it out.
All: Stay in there and think about what you did.
Wow.
Yolanda, way to take a bulletproof joke and shoot it right in the face.
87 takes I did before I was canned.
My career was over before it even started.
In a way, I guess I keep my Belvedere room for the same reason anyone else does.
- No one does.
- No.
As a bitter reminder of a tragic loss.
And that's why you're in the group.
[Chuckles.]
Is it? I'm a puzzle with many pieces.
But it feels really good to share with you one of my secrets finally.
You've helped me.
I think it's time to put this away.
Time for the next stage of my life.
What's this thing? Why do you want me to say, "I love you, buddy"? - Ooh.
- Oh, that's sad.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, no.
It's my mathematically proven soul mate.
- This is very awkward.
- Oh, my God.
[Robot voice.]
Must spend eternity with you.
Hey, what do you wanna name our triplets? - I like Kody.
- I like Cassidy.
Both: Emma.
[Both laugh.]
Okay, well, this is fate.
Darling, I know we've only met three times, and the only thing we've ever talked about is Ryan, but I burn for you, and I'm gonna pull you in in a Dirty Dancing- like position.
[Both chuckle.]
This is funny, right? It may just be hot.
- I need meatballs.
- I love meatballs.
Stop it.
[Door closes.]
[Jazz music.]
Love, man.
Let's make a pact.
If we're both still single when we're 40, we should make a baby.
I'm already 40.
You are? Ugh! How are you not more together? You know, Sonia, I hope it works out with you and Danny.
But if it's not him, it's gonna be someone.
You will be happy.
I don't see myself being happy.
I self-sabotage.
Well, now that you recognize that tendency, maybe you can change.
But I won't.
And soon, this whole stupid night will be a distant memory.
You know what? [Watch ticking.]
Whoa.
[Glass shatters.]
I just stopped time for you.
So here, take this as a reminder of the exact moment that you decided to be a better, happier person.
Ryan that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Really? Aww.
This is nice.
Hey, it's him.
He's coming.
[Speaking Spanish.]
[Whooping.]
El Mandril.
Numero uno.
Yeah! I got a posse now! Thank you.
Posse, this is Sonia.
Sonia, posse.
Sonia's very single.
Numero uno! [All cheering.]
[Man singing in Spanish.]
A.
market.
Why do you care? People love you.
Yeah, but I want them to love me most.
Right now I'm number three.
Say you were the third best receiver on a team.
Wouldn't happen.
I'm always open.
Okay, but-- Throw something to me when I least expect it.
You know, I don't know why I obsess on these things.
I'm never gonna beat El Mandril.
Look at him up there, so happy with his sexy posse.
You know, he's-- ha! Amazing.
Hey, delivery just came in from our owner Mr.
James Leopold.
The gold watch.
- Does this mean-- - Take a look.
Oh, my God.
- I'm number one! - You're number one! I'm number one! I'm number one! He's number one! I can see my face gentrifying the neighborhood right now.
Say I'm a local lowlife.
Should I do street sex or street drugs? Wait, I should be a doctor.
Yeah! Always open.
Both: Wow.
- I'm number one! - Here he comes.
- Go, Ryan! [Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
I just wanted to say that I couldn't do this without you.
We've all been on a journey together.
And when I look out at all of these faces-- No, I couldn't get there, but I wanted to.
I wanted to.
[Laughter and applause.]
Where's Terrell Owens? We're celebrating NFL style! Oh! We are doing this every day.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Rock music.]
Guess what, you guys are looking at the host of the number one radio show in L.
A.
[Cheers and applause.]
No, no, no.
Don't clap for me.
Clap for yourselves.
If it wasn't for the support of you-- No, still nothing.
I'm a robot.
I'm happy for you, Ryan.
But it's a hard day for the old number one El Mandril.
Listen.
[Laughing.]
He is suffering.
There is a sadness to his horny cackle.
Ryan, how are you gonna celebrate? My friend Steven's taking me out - for a steak dinner.
- Oh.
No, thanks.
[Chuckles.]
Wyatt has me on a very strict no-red-meat diet, and I don't miss it at all.
Beef, steak, meatballs-- I don't even think about it.
French dip, hot dogs, meatballs.
- You said meatballs already.
- Did I? God, it's so funny how you repeat things you do not think about.
So what's going on with you, cheesesteaks? Uh, my divorce papers finally came through.
All: Oh! - Yeah.
Free man for the first time since sixth grade.
Danny, you haven't flirted with a girl since sixth grade? No, but it's like riding a bicycle.
I think I still got it.
- What's up, fart face? - What? Hey, Son-yuch.
Got something here for ya.
Right here.
Noogie, noogie, noogie, noogie, noogie, noogie.
Damn it! You messed up my bomb-ass weave, and I'm all out of hair glue! - Ooh.
- Hey, buddy.
If you want Sonia to like you, you may wanna update some of your moves.
Maybe you can help Danny.
You are very good with women.
Yeah, would you, Ryan? Please, I don't have any more male friends since I lost 'em all that horrible night in Kandahar.
All: Ooh.
Yeah, we were all pretty drunk when I mentioned I do a great Nicole Kidman impression.
Somewhere between getting naked and tucking my junk between my legs, it went wrong.
War.
Oh, Dan, I'd love to help you out, but I don't wanna.
Don't worry about it.
Sonia and I probably aren't a good match anyway.
You actually are 98% compatible, according to this.
It's an algorithm I developed for truesoulm8.
com.
That's mate with an eight.
You can find your perfect match by answering eight simple questions.
What is your deal? You work for NASA.
You've written a popular love-predicting algorithm.
You won't tell us your last name.
We don't know why you're in this group.
You know, Anne, unlike your generation, who's all about your Facebook updates and your sexting, I choose to keep a few things private.
All right, everybody.
See you in a little bit.
"S.
I.
T.
A.
T.
A.
W.
Y.
D.
"? What the hell do you think you're doing? [Gasps.]
Oh, man.
It's K.
I want answers.
We all do.
I've been busting my ass, digging up information for the last six months, and I will not see that ruined because some rookie decided to play Nancy Drew.
He knows you're on to him, and he'll clam up.
- What have you found out? - Very little.
There was a former NASA employee named Benjamin Kakowski.
Okay.
I staked out his apartment for about three days until I finally got a clean photo.
- Oh, God! - Yeah, it wasn't him.
Maybe we'd get better results if we teamed up? Okay, fine, but we do this my way.
Okay.
We're not gonna leave here till we can crack this code.
Oh, I forgot my wallet and my day planner.
My whole life is in these.
I may not be good at this.
[Rock music.]
Congratulations, Mr.
King.
There he is.
- Number one is in the house! - Yeah! Now before we sit, I thought we'd take a walk around.
Rich Eisen, my Nemesis.
Did you set me up for a gloat walk? - Yeah, I did! - Okay.
If we're gonna do this, I'm on the inside and you're on the outside, when we round the corner-- You'll be in primo gloat position.
Let's go.
- Congratulations, Ryan.
- Hey, drinks on me tonight.
I don't know who you are.
Why would he say that? - Way to go, Ryan! - 100%-- - Rich Eisen.
- Ryan King.
You know, I would've thought a man like you would be at the front booth.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
You can't be because that's where I am.
Congrats on being the number one host of a local show in a dying medium.
Well, congrats to you on-- We're on the wrong side.
- How did that happen? - Okay.
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
I mean, that's it.
I'm just gonna have to have Warren Sapp kick his ass.
At any rate, back to Sanchez.
Here's the deal.
You did not just double gloat walk me.
- Turn his lamp off.
- Yeah.
No more bread, bitch.
Best part of the meal! Thanks a lot, buddy.
This is the best night ever.
You deserve it, bud.
And there's one more thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the latest caricature to adorn our walls-- the new number one in L.
A.
radio Ryan King.
[Cheers and applause.]
Come on.
Feel that love, Ryan.
Congratulations, buddy.
You gotta be so happy.
Right.
'Cause if I'm not now, I-I never will be.
[Watch ticking.]
[Watch ticking loudly.]
I still don't know who that is.
Ryan, are you okay? I may need a moment.
- Your food, Mr.
King.
- Oh, thanks.
Oh, sir, that's a hot plate.
Yes, very hot.
It hurts a great deal.
[Knock at door.]
Hey, it's me.
Thanks for coming.
I'm not in the best place right now.
Steak, huh? You know, since I quit eating meat, I have so much more energy, and I'm sleeping better.
And is that a New York strip? You want a bite? No, no, I'm good.
Okay.
[Sniffs.]
What's going on? Well, through all this Janie stuff, I kept thinking, you know, if I could just get a win, then I would be magically back in check.
- [Inhales.]
- And then today, something amazing happened, and I'm just as miserable as I was yesterday.
Here, just take it.
Oh, thank you so much.
[Deep breath.]
Everything that you're describing is totally normal.
You know, when I was overweight, I thought if I could just get thinner, then I would have it all figured out.
Then I did lose the weight, and I was still a mess.
You can't seek happiness from outside sources.
Happiness comes from within.
Oh, you chewy little bitch.
Oh, that's what a mouth is for! Mmm! [Sighs.]
So that's your big idea? - Happiness comes from within? - Mm-hmm.
How am I supposed to do that? A lot of people believe that the key to happiness is in helping others.
The joy that I receive from helping you guys is so much more than I would ever get from just helping myself.
Help someone else, that will fix you.
Can't we just take a pill? What's Fausta on? Can I just take a bunch of that? Really, help people? Yeah.
[Sighs.]
Okay, fine.
Yes, fine.
I will help people.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Come here.
Okay.
[Splash.]
[Gasps.]
Ugh.
No.
Lauren, Project "Be Happy By Helping Others" - is a complete disaster.
- Oh.
I joined this big brothers thing, and they gave me this rich teenage bratty kid.
I'm fairly certain I'm just his driver.
Are you done yet? I'm bored! [Yelling.]
Why don't you try walking and get a little exercise? Maybe you would have more success helping someone you have a personal connection with.
- This sucks! - No, you suck! - What's wrong, Danny? - It's Sonia.
I was trying to be flirty, so I gave her a wedgie.
Wait, this is perfect.
Danny, I would like to help you.
I'm gonna make sure that you and Sonia get together.
Oh, thank you.
Just tell me what I need to do, and I'll do it.
Ryan, there's a fat kid in a blazer peeing on your Porsche.
This is on you, Lauren.
He is a bad kid.
Danny, you gotta get rid of the grade school pickup moves.
We gotta spruce up your wardrobe and start playing to your strengths, which are-- In the army, I mastered the ability of playing dead.
Now I never actually used it in combat, but it did get me out of seeing a U.
S.
O.
show with Gary Sinise's rock band.
Okay.
We gotta you into a low-pressure, romance-friendly situation, like a-- like a dinner party.
That's a great idea.
K, you could host at the place where you live.
[Whispers.]
What are you doing? That sounds great.
I'd love to help out a couple 98-percenters.
Shall we say tomorrow evening at 7:00? All right.
Lauren, if you're right, by the end of the evening, I should be as happy as-- I love this song.
Yeah, there's-- there's no song, honey.
Tell me she's not on something.
Welcome to Casa de K.
[Indistinct chatter.]
Is it just me, or is this all too normal? Except for this.
"Stay in there and think about what you did.
" Good evening.
Welcome, guests.
Tonight's meal will be prepared from the secret recipes of the person who I am the closest to in this world, my dear mother.
The chef's duties will be performed by Louisiana's own Kate Harrington, an accountant I met at the pharmacy.
Let's go over what we know.
The paper I found said, "S.
I.
T.
A.
T.
A.
W.
Y.
D.
" Now we have this pillow that says, "Stay in there and think about what you did.
" Wait.
S.
I.
T.
A.
T.
A.
W.
Y.
D.
It's an acronym.
You're just now getting that? What's wrong with you? How much weed did you smoke in the '70s? A lot.
What's your point? Where is Danny? I told him if he got here early, I'd give him some tips.
What? Well, Lauren said if I helped him out, somehow I'd be happier.
No one has ever become poor by giving.
Anne Frank said that.
Which reminds me, I need to get her book back from Ray Lewis.
Yolanda, this is my temporary assistant Terrell Owens.
I've never been more turned on in my life.
Okay.
Anyway, I think Danny's gonna do great.
He had this really sweet idea to wear the coat that his dad courted his mom in.
[Chuckles.]
I'm guessing his dad was a-- Yeah, it seems he was a doorman.
Wyatt, Mr.
K developed the algorithm for a dating site, and the compatibility score he gave Sonia and Danny is a 98.
Cool.
So what's our score? Well, I already know the answers you'd give to the questions, so let's see.
You are a 78.
Sweet, C-plus.
I mean, I didn't end up being a chiropractor because I got straight "A"s, right? [Laughter.]
Oh.
Oh.
I'll be right back.
Hey, uh, not that I believe in love math, but I kinda thought that Wyatt and I would've scored a little higher.
Oh, you and Wyatt! The 78 was for him and Fausta.
Oh! [Both laugh.]
You and Wyatt were a 23.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
Come on.
Let's go, let's go.
I come from a long line of doormen.
But it ended with me.
I didn't have the goods.
Sonia's gonna walk in any moment.
He has to look good.
You gotta go faster.
Lose the hat.
And give me the whistle.
All right, but I'd like to keep the dog treats if I may, for dad.
Oh.
[Throws whistle.]
All right.
Now let's work on that hair.
Okay.
Oh, you travel with your own hair gel? I'm sorry, am I not manly enough for the makeover you're orchestrating? Wow, Danny, you look great.
- Thanks.
- So do you, by the way.
Thanks.
It's like Sgt.
Pepper's meets The Matrix.
All right, listen to me.
You are interesting, you are delightful, and you deserve this.
I'll get that.
Wow, good open.
You're a natural.
Bet you're great at waiting for packages too.
Okay.
Let's sweep Sonia off her feet.
Come on! Hi, everyone.
Meet my date Carlo.
I'm such a loser.
I'll always be a loser.
Here, I'll get that.
Oh, now you're just showing off.
- Hey! Found his photo album.
- Ooh, let's see.
- Hey! - Aah! You guys are looking around a little bit, that's fun.
Just please don't go into the room at the end of the hall.
Says he was close to his mother.
"Stay in there and think about what you did.
" You think she's in that room? Oh, she's in there.
Dead or alive? That's the question.
Hey, Sonia, can I talk to you for a second? Whoa.
We're in the middle of a conversation, son.
Who is this guy? This is Carlo.
He works security at my apartment complex.
Upstate New York in the house.
Hey, fair warning.
If you want in on these suds, 5 bucks a cup.
Yeah, that's right.
And if I see you trying to sneak a pump with no "X" on your hand, it is show time.
Do you like Candlebox? - No.
- Strike two.
Sonia, can I talk to you for a second? What are you doing? Who is that guy? I thought you liked Danny.
What? Danny's a jerk.
[Sighs.]
Who am I kidding? He's cute, sweet, fun.
And all the wedgies, the dead legs, ahh, they make a girl feel good.
Boy, how are you guys only a 98? He's clearly about to make a move.
That's why I brought Carlo.
I self-sabotage! Forget about Carlo.
Just be out on the patio at 9:00 P.
M.
I'll make sure there's champagne and flowers and Danny.
And then you guys can kiss and then fall in love - and live happily ever after.
- Okay.
Wow.
What I'd give to see Danny in a bangin' outfit like that.
[Both speaking Spanish.]
[Both cheer.]
If you really love him, you'll let him go to Fausta.
What are you guys talking about? Mr.
K has a stupid formula that he says can determine if you're meant to be together.
That's ridiculous.
Love math? Yes, that is exactly how I belittled it.
Thank you.
You are so much smarter than I thought you were.
A lot of people think I'm dumb 'cause I hang out with Ryan-- stupidity by proxy.
Let's dial this party up a bit, shall we? - Any requests? - Candlebox! How about the only thing that I know how to play-- the middle part of that song Islands in the Stream.
- Mm.
- Hmm? Come on, Wyatt, duet! It's not my thing.
Islands in the stream that is what we are no one in between how can we be wrong? Both: Sail away with me to another world and we rely on each other uh-huh from one lover to another uh-huh [both laugh.]
You're good.
99%.
Blam-o.
[Scoffs.]
No, no, no.
I talked to Sonia.
Just be out on the porch at 9:00, and you're golden.
I'm not doing it.
Sonia wants you now! She doesn't want me.
No woman wants me.
Don't die.
Good-bye, Ryan.
Oh, my God.
You've got no pulse.
That's amazing! Wait here.
Oh, right, you're dead.
Hey, Kate, you seem like a nice person.
My friend Danny's in the other room, and he's in need of a little ego boost.
Would you go talk to him? - I'd be happy to.
- Great.
Right through there.
He's tall, thin, dead.
You can't miss him.
- Okay, open it.
- You open it.
You've been standing here an hour.
Go in, or get out of the way.
I've been tracking who I think to be Mr.
Klein for a year, and you're not gonna blow it.
All right.
[Indistinct chatter on TV.]
[Gasps.]
Mama K? Uncle Jessup? [Tense music.]
[All gasp.]
Oh, my God.
It's--it's-- It's Mr.
Belvedere.
[All gasp.]
What? - Hey, bro, you scared of a woman? - Dude, it's I-X o'clock.
I think that's 9:00.
I don't have time for this.
No way, bro.
We gotta settle this, upstate New York style.
Are you packin'? And Candlebox sucks.
[Crickets chirping.]
- Where's Danny? - He'll be here.
He's just getting his mojo back.
Hey.
[Indistinct chatter.]
I'd say it's back.
Wow.
What's her deal? The man can't even open a door.
Look at him.
He's so happy.
He does look happy.
And when you think about it, he's only happy because of me, so now I can finally be-- Oh, Sonia, I'm so sorry.
[TV chatter.]
What's this all about, K? It was the summer of 1984, and little Benjy K had just arrived in Hollywood, ready to take Tinseltown by storm.
I had just landed the lead kid role in a new show called Mr.
Belvedere.
Oh, you were gonna play Wesley? I did play Wesley! In the first episode, at least.
And then in the final scene of the piece, I was to deliver the most killer joke ever written.
I, a kid, was supposed to tell Mr.
Belvedere, a grown-up, to stay-- [Laughs.]
Oh! Even now, I can't get it out.
All: Stay in there and think about what you did.
Wow.
Yolanda, way to take a bulletproof joke and shoot it right in the face.
87 takes I did before I was canned.
My career was over before it even started.
In a way, I guess I keep my Belvedere room for the same reason anyone else does.
- No one does.
- No.
As a bitter reminder of a tragic loss.
And that's why you're in the group.
[Chuckles.]
Is it? I'm a puzzle with many pieces.
But it feels really good to share with you one of my secrets finally.
You've helped me.
I think it's time to put this away.
Time for the next stage of my life.
What's this thing? Why do you want me to say, "I love you, buddy"? - Ooh.
- Oh, that's sad.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, no.
It's my mathematically proven soul mate.
- This is very awkward.
- Oh, my God.
[Robot voice.]
Must spend eternity with you.
Hey, what do you wanna name our triplets? - I like Kody.
- I like Cassidy.
Both: Emma.
[Both laugh.]
Okay, well, this is fate.
Darling, I know we've only met three times, and the only thing we've ever talked about is Ryan, but I burn for you, and I'm gonna pull you in in a Dirty Dancing- like position.
[Both chuckle.]
This is funny, right? It may just be hot.
- I need meatballs.
- I love meatballs.
Stop it.
[Door closes.]
[Jazz music.]
Love, man.
Let's make a pact.
If we're both still single when we're 40, we should make a baby.
I'm already 40.
You are? Ugh! How are you not more together? You know, Sonia, I hope it works out with you and Danny.
But if it's not him, it's gonna be someone.
You will be happy.
I don't see myself being happy.
I self-sabotage.
Well, now that you recognize that tendency, maybe you can change.
But I won't.
And soon, this whole stupid night will be a distant memory.
You know what? [Watch ticking.]
Whoa.
[Glass shatters.]
I just stopped time for you.
So here, take this as a reminder of the exact moment that you decided to be a better, happier person.
Ryan that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Really? Aww.
This is nice.
Hey, it's him.
He's coming.
[Speaking Spanish.]
[Whooping.]
El Mandril.
Numero uno.
Yeah! I got a posse now! Thank you.
Posse, this is Sonia.
Sonia, posse.
Sonia's very single.
Numero uno! [All cheering.]
[Man singing in Spanish.]