Hey Arnold! (1996) s01e19 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
MIRIAM: Helga!
Could you
bring in the mail?
Please?
All right, Mother!
Will my toil never cease?
Hey, what's this?
"You are cordially invited
to attend a magic show
today at 2:00.
"The great Arnoldini
will perform."
Arnold? A magician?
How utterly appropriate.
Arnold, my love,
weaving magical spells
around my heart.
This I gotta see.
Mmm.
Helga, you're not
going out, are you?
I got plans.
Oh, but it's your
father's birthday!
HAROLD: Hey, Sid, where's
the so-called magician?
Come on, let's go.
I paid for this show.
Paid for it?
It's free,
you bonehead!
Hey Arnold,
get out here.
One side.
Out of my way!
Hey, Phoebe,
where's my seat?
Well, I tried to
save you one,
but you weren't around.
So, I figured
you'd find your own.
Oh, is that what
you figured, huh?
I can't believe you!
You can't even
save me a seat?
Is that asking so much?
You do everything
wrong, Phoebe.
Everything.
Sorry, Helga!
Move your butt,
pink boy!
Ow!
You're in my seat.
Hey!
And now, the amazing
Arnoldini!
Oh, brother,
we're living
in Geeksville.
PHOEBE: I think he looks
highly professional.
What, are you blind?
Two pigeons just
flew out of his pants.
For my first trick,
I will turn this water
into steam
using only
this hot-plate.
(BOOING)
An ordinary pencil.
Or is it?
Presto Frangelico!
Pencil turned into rubber!
(BOOING)
Oh, that's
the oldest trick
in the book!
What else you got
in your repertoire,
football head?
Arnold, maybe
we should move
to the grand finale.
Good idea.
Ladies and gentlemen,
now for the most fantabulous
feat of fine finesse
ever formulated!
Oh, forget it!
I will make a volunteer
from this very audience
disappear!
Who's gonna do it?
How about Helga?
ALL: Yeah!
Make Helga disappear!
ALL: Make Helga disappear!
Make Helga disappear!
Make Helga disappear!
All right, you bunch
of clods! I'll do it.
I'll go in the stupid box.
You don't have
to do anything.
Just stand right here.
Hmph! "Arnoldini."
You couldn't make
an ant disappear!
Helga, for once
in your life, would you
just go along with this?
Flanders fun
McBoing Boing whiplash,
spirits make Helga
disappear in a big flash!
ALL: Ooh!
Yay!
Oh, come on!
What a cheap trick.
Man, Arnold, I wish
we could really
make Helga disappear.
Oh, that's funny.
That's very funny!
Hmm.
I'll show that Arnold-weenie
a little trick of my own.
Dastardly do-right
burns in rubble,
send Helga Pataki
back on the double!
Uh, there seems to be
a technical problem here.
Let's try again.
Send Helga Pataki
back on the double!
HELGA: Uh-oh.
(KIDS GRUMBLING)
Now who's a magician?
Hmm, but the downside is,
when everybody sees
that I'm gone,
they'll be so, so sad.
Boo-hoo!
And then Arnold
will be arrested.
Search parties will be formed
on every continent.
(WIND HOWLING)
Crowds of strangers
will comfort each other,
weeping openly
like babies.
What a bunch of geeks.
(KIDS GRUMBLING)
(GIGGLES) Yeah,
what a great trick.
I really fooled 'em.
They'll all miss me.
They'll all
What's the big idea
What?
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
WOMAN: Jake, come on
we're gonna be late
for the rehearsal.
This is great!
Everyone got
the day off today.
What's going on?
Hey, victim!
I'm over here.
Oh, my gosh,
what's happening?
Am I a ghost or something?
Hey, if I'm a ghost,
I can fly!
(CRASHES)
(GRUNTS)
MAN: Who's that girl?
Okay, I'm not a ghost.
But if I'm not a ghost,
then what's going on?
GIRL'S VOICE: Doi! Doi! Doi!
Doi! Move it, bucko!
Move it, bucko!
Doi! Move it, bucko!
Move it, bucko!
Move it, bucko!
Phew!
(CROWD CHANTING)
No more Helga!
Oh, yeah?
Come over here
and say that, you
Oh, yeah.
I'm a ghost.
They can't hear me.
I can't believe it.
They're happy I'm gone?
Everybody was
supposed to miss me!
This can't be happening.
Okay, get a grip,
Helga girl.
Somebody's got
to miss you.
I know! Big Bob
and Miriam.
Mom, Dad!
(DOOR SHUTS)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Sounds like it's coming
from my room.
What in the name
of creation
is going on here?
What have you done
to my room?
This has been the best
birthday I could
ever have imagined.
Nothing was missing.
Everything was perfect.
I'm so glad you're happy.
And the best present
of all is that Helga
isn't around anymore.
She doesn't care
about me and my birthday.
Yes, it's too bad
about Helga.
But it isn't it amazing
how my inner creativity
has been unleashed lately?
Yes, darling.
And since I don't have to
support Helga anymore,
I have been able
to give up selling beepers
and return to
my first love.
The harp.
My parents,
actually happy together?
And they don't
miss me at all.
I can't believe
this is happening.
Gross!
Phoebe.
My best friend,
Phoebe.
Yeah, Phoebe
will miss me.
Phoebe, old pal.
It's me!
(GIGGLING)
Phoebe?
Oh, Gloria,
you're the best friend
I've ever had!
"Gloria"? Who's Gloria?
This chump,
is this Gloria?
And I've saved
a special seat for you,
right next to me,
because you're my newest
and best friend
in the whole world.
BOTH: Aww!
Have some of the cookies
I baked you!
Thank you!
My old best friend
never made me cookies.
She wasn't very nice.
I don't think she
even liked me that much.
What was her name?
Who?
Me!
Your old
best friend?
Oh! Uh Wait.
Um
Helga!
Hera?
Helga!
No, no, no.
Henrietta?
No, Helga!
No, that wasn't it.
Oh, well, who cares.
(SCREAMS)
I'm Helga!
Somebody remember me!
Somebody miss me!
Hey Sid, Gerald,
you miss me, don't you?
I I just
saw you today.
Sid? Gerald?
And remember,
if you're out three times,
you're the Helga.
And when it's your turn
to chase the other kids
and make them cry,
you're also the Helga.
What about when
you're back in the game
and everybody
likes you again?
Then you're the Gloria.
Cookies, anyone?
(SCREAMS)
I never knew
people didn't like me.
(WIND HOWLING)
I can't believe it.
Absolutely no one
misses me.
(CHEERING ON TV)
Arnold?
MAN:
We're talking with magician,
the amazing Arnoldini,
whose career took off
like a rocket after he
made Helga Pataki disappear.
Arnold, how does it feel
being a celebrity?
Oh, well,
I don't know.
I guess it's all right.
Let me ask you this,
do you miss Helga?
Oh, not really.
Would you miss someone
who went around calling you
a football head all the time?
Uh, no I wouldn't.
Say, Arnold,
is this a special friend
you have with you?
As a matter of fact,
this is my
very special friend,
Ruth.
And I'd like to take
this opportunity
to announce
to the entire world
that Ruth and I
are to be married.
(CROWD CHEERING)
No!
No! Huh?
It was all a dream.
But it was so real!
It was like no one cared
I was gone, because
Because maybe
I was too mean to them.
Maybe I should have
cared about my father
and his birthday.
And maybe I shouldn't
have been so hard
on Phoebe so often.
And Arnold, poor Arnold!
I mocked him
and ridiculed him.
I must apologize.
ARNOLD:
All magicians know,
that it takes, uh
Forty-eight attempts
to bring someone back.
So finally,
here she is, Helga!
Ta-da!
ALL: Yay!
KID: Way to go!
Thank you, thank you!
And a special thanks
to my best friend, Phoebe.
(CHUCKLES)
Thank you, Helga.
Thank you, Arnold.
You're quite a magician.
And I want to tell
all of you
how sorry I am
for all the bad things
I've ever done.
I mean, I've been
domineering, cruel,
bossy
Intermission!
Free Yahoo sodas
over here!
ALL: Yahoo! Yahoo!
Hey, you slobs,
I'm apologizing
up here!
(KIDS CHEERING)
Arnold, I'm sorry
I made fun of your magic
and the shape
of your head.
And I wanted
to tell you something.
What I'm trying
to say is
You already wrecked
my last trick!
But, I was gonna say
What? I'm listening.
Well, I was gonna
say that
That
You're a wooden-headed geek!
Magic! Hah! What a joke.
(SIGHS)
HELGA: Arnold!
(LOW BEEPING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Huh?
Move it, football head,
you're up!
Wind's in the east.
I should probably shoot
for the gap between
second and third.
Just try not to
get hit, okay?
Yeah. Good strategy.
Okay, move it,
this guy can't hit.
No stick, no stick.
Ooh, look who's up.
It's Arnold!
Come on, Arnold!
Paste it!
Thought you'd come
play a little baseball,
huh, Arnold?
Just throw
the ball, blimpo!
Hey, don't call me blimpo.
I have a gland problem.
Strike one!
Boy! What a good
swing, Arnold!
What powerful arms!
Come on, come on!
All right, already,
keep your shirt on, Helga.
For all our sakes.
Strike two!
Ooh, good one!
Who taught you
to bat, anyway?
Your puny grandma?
(LAUGHTER)
(KIDS JEERING)
Just throw it.
KID: Whoa!
Harold! You all right?
Say something,
pink boy!
Good night, Mommy!
Wh What?
What happened?
Arnold beamed you.
Who?
Arnold.
Well, it was just
a lucky swing.
(CAT YOWLS)
KID: Whoa!
ALL: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Wait, don't touch him.
ALL: Ooh!
Why not?
Well, um
Because you want to
wait a day. That's why.
I do?
Yeah, you know,
let him dangle a while.
Make him think
about what he did to you.
Make him think
what he did. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Here's the deal.
Tomorrow, Arnold.
Right here!
It's clobbering time!
HAROLD: Yeah!
(LAUGHS)
ALL: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Hey, wait a minute.
Tomorrow, what if
he leaves town?
Don't worry.
He's not going anywhere.
I'll keep an eye on him.
(LAUGHS)
Well, Gerald,
it's been good
knowing you.
Try to remember me
as I am now, okay?
Not as I will be tomorrow.
Dead.
Come on, Arnold!
Just 'cause Harold
says he's gonna kill you,
doesn't mean he's
gonna actually do it.
He sounded like
he meant it.
Yeah, but
you know Harold.
His short-term memory
is gone.
The guy can't remember
what he had for breakfast.
So how is he going to
remember he's supposed
to kill you tomorrow?
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Sure. I bet by now,
everybody's forgotten
all about it.
There's not a kid
in the whole city
who even remembers
the stupid fight.
HELGA: Hey, Arnold!
Twenty-three hours
until you die!
(LAUGHING)
What's this?
CD player,
rollerblades,
hockey stick?
That's just a list
of your stuff that
I've kinda had my eye on.
You know,
if worse comes to worst.
Thanks, Gerald.
Don't mention it.
Arnold, that moron.
How I hate him.
And yet
I love him.
So mysterious,
so suave
Such a distinctively
shaped little head.
You ignore me,
but deep down,
you know how
I really feel.
It's love, love, love!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You wanna come up
and eat with us?
Your grandma
cooking tonight?
Yeah.
No, thanks. I'm
I gotta go
wash my dog.
See you tomorrow.
See you. Don't worry.
You'll be okay.
And take care of
that list, man.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Grandma.
Hello?
HELGA:
Twenty-two hours, 46 minutes
until you die!
(FLUSHING)
Hey, Grandpa.
I have a problem.
Shoot it at me, short man!
Well, see, there's this
big jerk at school.
He says he's gonna
Says he's gonna
beat you up, eh?
Um, yeah.
Gonna give you
24 hours to dangle, eh?
That's right!
Big guy, huh?
Slow, but with
lots of power.
Squash you like a bug, eh?
Yeah, yeah!
What should I do?
I have no idea.
I gotta think of
something, Grandpa.
Well, you could
skip town
but then you'd have to
live the rest of your life
in fear,
always looking over
your shoulder,
waiting for
That day.
You try
reasoning with him?
Oh, moron, eh?
Well, Arnold,
I wish I knew
what to tell you.
In 80 years, I think
I've only learned
one thing for sure.
What's that?
Never eat raspberries.
(STOMACH RUMBLING)
Gotta go!
(FLUSHING)
Ugh.
Grandma. Grandma!
Come on in, Kimba!
No, Grandma.
It's me, Arnold.
Oh, I know,
but right now,
you be Kimba,
he'll be the man-eating tiger,
and I'll be Bonna!
Okay, Grandma.
I mean, Bonna.
I need some advice.
Why, certainly.
Always stay downwind
of your prey!
Carry plenty of ammo,
and eat everything you kill!
Hello?
It's for you,
my savage friend.
Would you take
a message?
Kimba's not available
right now.
A-ha. A-ha.
Twenty-two hours
and three minutes
till you
Was that "dry"
or "fry," dear?
Oh, "die."
Yes, all right.
Underline three times.
Yes, you bet.
Thank you for calling.
(WHIRRING)
(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS)
(SIGHS)
HELGA: Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Twenty-one hours, 58 minutes,
and 14 seconds
until you die!
(PHONE RINGING)
Sixteen hours,
21 minutes and 12 seconds
until you die!
Sixteen hours, 22 minutes,
59 seconds until you die!
(PHONE RINGING)
HAROLD: It's clobbering time!
GRANDPA: Squash you
like a bug, eh?
HAROLD: Puny grandma!
GRANDPA:
Never eat raspberries.
(ECHOING)
Come on down, Arnold.
We're gonna get you, anyway.
Back! Back, I say!
Ooh, he's got a bat!
What are you
gonna do, Arnold?
Swing it at us?
(ECHOING)
Yeah, that's what
I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna swing it!
I'm gonna swing it
all day!
He's crazy!
Run! Help me!
I'm crazy!
Crazy!
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
RADIO HOST:
It's 7:00 on KILL.
This one goes out to Arnold,
who's going to die,
in two hours, six minutes
and 47 seconds
from Helga who hates you.
(MEOWING)
(BARKS)
New morning light!
Arnold goes down
in six seconds!
Any takers?
I'm in, man.
Well, where is he?
Don't worry,
he'll be here.
BOY: There he is!
So, Arnold,
you decided
to show up.
Now why don't you
make it easy
on yourself
and hold still,
while I pound that
football head of yours flat!
Before you do,
there's something
you should know, Harold.
What?
I'm crazy,
and you should never
hit a crazy person.
Oh, Arnold's crazy!
If you're so crazy,
prove it!
Okay.
One, two, three, uh!
Watch me!
Hey!
Watch me!
Now you think
you got to bring me down
Now you think
You got to push me all around
But wait
Don't hit me
I'll hit me! To the bridge!
Hey, all right
Got to, got to
Come on!
Got to feel it, ah!
Huh! In your body!
Baby! Man!
I got a date
I got to, got to, got to
break a plate-ah!
Don't hit me, uh!
I'll hit me! Uh, uh
I'm crazy! Uh, uh
Yeah! ♪
Wow. You really
are crazy!
Want to join our club?
He's wacko!
BOY: Arnold's crazy!
He's wacko!
Oh! He did it!
My love really did it!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Hey! Wait a minute,
no fair!
What about the fight?
I sold tickets!
There's gotta be
a fight.
Okay, you two
guys fight.
Oh, okay.
Ow!
(ALL CHEERING)
Boys are so stupid!
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)