I Love Lucy (1951) s01e19 Episode Script
The Ballet
(music) (theme music playing) (theme music ending) (door buzzer) Hi.
Hi, Lucy.
Hi, Lucy.
You ready? Hi, Rick.
Yeah, almost.
Come on, Ricky, get your coat, honey.
Picture starts at 8:22.
Oh, honey, I-I think you better go alone.
I'm having nothing but problems with my new show.
Oh, Ricky, what kind of problems? Well it's a cavalcade of show business we're doing and I'm-I'm having trouble finding some acts.
Oh, what kind of acts do you need, Ricky? What kind of acts do you need? Now, look, Lucy we're not going to go all over this again.
You cannot be in the show.
Give me one good reason.
You have no talent.
Give me another good reason.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
Look, honey, even if I wanted to put you in the show I wouldn't be able to do it.
There's only two openings- a ballet dancer and a pair of burlesque comics.
I'm a ballet dancer.
Well, I am, and I've had I've had experience, too.
I- I-I was in a dance recital in high school- "The Dance of the Flowers.
" She has got nice stems.
LUCY: Thank you.
I was the only petunia that did a solo.
Look, Petunia, Madame Lamand- the premier ballerina of the French Ballet- is staging this number.
I hardly think that she would consider that training enough.
Well, then she'll just have to be shown.
I just happen to have that costume in my trunk and I know that I can do that dance just as well now as I did then.
Once you really know ballet, it never leaves you.
Lucy, I didn't know you were a ballet dancer.
For four years, I was never off my toes.
What am I going to do about her? Have you ever thought of putting her in a large basket and leaving her on somebody's doorstep? (chuckling): No, that wouldn't work.
She's too smart; she'd find her way home.
Hey, Rick (clears throat) You know those comedians you want- do they do they really have to be, uh, burlesque comics? You know, I did a very funny act years ago with my partner, Ted Kertz.
Mertz and Kertz, the laugh twins.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
Presenting Mertz and Kertz.
Well, if I ain't my ol if it ain't my old friend, Fred.
How are you, Fred? Well, if it ain't my old friend, Ted.
How are you, Ted? Did you hear about the terrible accident on the streetcar, Freddy? No, I didn't hear about an accident on the streetcar, Teddy.
You mean to tell me you didn't hear about the accident on the streetcar, Teddy? Mertz I'm Kertz.
Now I'm Mertz.
How are you, Rick? They have to be burlesque comics.
Aw, pshaw, that's too bad.
Hey, by the way what was the terrible accident on the streetcar? (laughing) Wouldn't you like to know? No.
Well, I'll tell you anyway but remember, this is my best gag and you got to promise not to use it.
Okay, I promise.
What was the terrible accident on the streetcar, Fred? Well, a man had his eye on a seat and a woman sat on it.
(laughing) What a pip-a-roo! Remember now, you promised not to use it.
That's one promise I will never break.
Introducing Petunia Ricardo.
(music) (piano playing "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies") (music ends) Well? Well, you'll do for the comic but who am I going to get for the ballet dancer? Oh, Ricky, you're mean.
Look, honey, you're not serious about this, are you? I am, too.
Here I am with all this talent bottled up inside of me and you're always sitting on the cork.
Now, Lucy.
I'm gonna get in that show if it's the last thing I do.
Lucy, you're too young to die.
Whose side are you on? ETHEL: Well I'm going to get in that show or my name isn't Lucy Ricardo.
What did you say, Clem? Oh! (laughing): Touche.
En garde! I have just had a most exciting visit with the wife of Monsieur Ricardo.
She is a very experienced dancer and she will be your partner.
She is here now.
Come in, Madame Ricardo.
Entrez, entrez, entrez.
Come in, come in.
Mesdames et messieurs, Madame Ricardo.
Kiss the hand, Enchante, N'est-ce pas? Now, first I think we will start with a few limbering-up exercises.
I assume you know all the basic positions.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
All right, Ici, madame, ici.
Classe, en place.
All righty, class.
Now then, first position.
Bon, bon.
No, madame, further out.
No, madame, the toes further out.
Madame, not that far out.
Now then, a plie.
And a one, a two, a three, a four a five, a six, a seven, eight.
A one, a two, a three, a four, a five Stop, stop, stop.
Stop! Fifth position.
Now then Plie.
And a one, a two, a three, a four a five, a six, a seven, eight.
A one Tres bien, classe.
Petite battement.
And a one, a two, a three, a change.
A one, a two, a three, a change.
One, a two, a three, a change.
a one, a two (taps floor with cane) Un moment, un moment.
Releve.
Tour en I'air.
A one, a two, a three, a four a five, a six, a seven, eight.
A one, a two, a three, a four a five, a six, a seven, eight.
A one, a two, a three, a four Enough! Enough! Take a rest period! Except Madame Ricardo.
Madame Ricardo, I am afraid you have not quite had the experience I had hoped for.
Well, I guess I am a little rusty.
I think we should go to the barre.
Oh, good, because I'm awful thirsty.
Madame This barre.
Oh, I thought you meant Take your place at the barre.
Feet in first position.
Now, in the first place your posture is atrocious.
Shoulders back, hips under stomach in, chest out chin up, knees straight.
Now then, remembering all these things raise the right leg even with the barre.
Even with the barre? Even with the barre.
Now then, lower the leg slowly to the floor.
Madame, the leg down, a bas.
A bas! A bas.
A bas! A bas! A bas! A bas.
A bas, a bas.
A bas.
A- a-a bas! A bas.
A bas! A bas.
Where are you going? No, no, no, no, there is much work to do.
There is? Oui, you have great talent.
I have? But there is much to do to get you in shape for the opening.
Now then, at the barre feet in first position.
Shoulders back, hips under stomach in, chest out chin up, knees straight.
Now then, plie.
And a one, a two, a three, a four a five, a six, a seven, eight (phone rings) Hello.
Hello, Lucy.
How are you feeling today? Can you move yet? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
As a matter of fact I'm expecting my partner here any minute.
Your partner? I thought you gave up ballet.
Oh, I did; that was too much work.
No, I called the Lido Theater and asked them to send over a comic to teach me a burlesque act.
(doorbell buzzes) Oh, somebody's at the door; maybe that's him.
I'll call you back later, Ethel.
Well, this must be the place.
(whistles) Well, what time do the girls get here? Uh, how do you do? I'm Mrs.
Ricardo.
Oh, how do you do? Where's the fella who wants me to teach him a bit? Oh, right here.
Say, you're a nice-looking fella.
Thank you.
You see, I have a wonderful chance to get into a show if I can do a burlesque act.
Oh, I don't know about doing this bit with a dame.
These bit-bits are done by two men.
Well, couldn't you just pretend that I'm a man? Okay, I got a good imagination.
Come here.
Here, this will help.
Try it on.
Okay.
Now, let's see.
What bit will we do? How about "Slowly I turn"? Slowly I turn? What's that? That's the name of the sketch.
Oh.
Want to try it? All right.
There isn't much to it.
What do I do? Well, I'll be sitting here on this park bench here.
You come along, tell me I look down in the mouth.
Ask me if you can help.
Yeah, well, what happens then? Well, the rest of it sort of takes care of itself.
Okay.
Want to try it? Yeah.
Uh, you look down in the mouth.
Can I help you? Stranger, you have a kind face.
Would you like to hear my story? Say, "Yeah.
" Yeah.
Okay.
I wasn't always a bum.
Once I was handsome like you.
Then she came into my life.
It was love at first sight.
And we were married and very happy until one night, there came a knock at the door.
I opened it.
A stranger was there.
I vowed to make my home his home.
And that was the beginning of the end.
One night when I returned home from work I found the usual note.
The stranger had stolen my wife away.
Then the search began.
I followed them all over the world Until one day I saw them at Niagara Falls- that beast and my lovely wife.
I never mention her name because when I do everything turns black in front of me.
I'm possessed with a lust to kill.
That's why I never mention her name.
But it's the same as George Washington's wife.
Martha? Martha that's it, Martha.
Slowly I turned step by step, inch by inch I crept up on the beast who had ruined my life.
I looked around for a rock.
I grab one, I let him have it.
Revenge was all I had on my mind.
(screaming) Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! What's the matter with you? Oh.
Oh, you're not him.
No! You're the one with the kind face.
Yeah! I'm sorry.
I'm not well.
Well, that's all right, I understand.
I guess it might have been quite a shock to you thinking about Martha.
Martha! Slowly I turned step by step inch by inch, I crept up on him.
I looked around for another rock.
I grab it.
I let him have it once more.
Revenge, that's all I wanted.
Stop! Stop it! Give me that thing.
What's the matter with you? Don't you remember me? Oh, it's you.
Yeah, the one with the kind face.
I'm sorry.
I'm very weak.
I should have met you when I was stronger.
Yeah, you should have met me before you met Ma Oh.
I almost said "Martha.
" Slowly I turned step by step, inch by inch.
I looked around for a rock.
I couldn't find one.
So, I grabbed a handful of Niagara Falls and I let him have it.
Give me that thing.
That's enough of this.
I agree with you.
It's too much.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Well, you ought to be.
Look at me, I'm a mess.
That's a very strange way to react just because you hear the name Martha.
Martha! Slowly I turned step by step, inch by inch I crept up on him.
I let him have it.
I let him Drop it! Drop it! Drop it! Drop it! On the floor? No, let me have it.
Okay.
What's the matter with you? Are you crazy or something? You said to let you have it.
Oh! Oh, you gotta You're a pretty good sport.
Here.
Now that you got the idea of the bit you want to try it again? Yeah, but this time, you be the one with the kind face.
Okay.
(phone rings) Hello.
Hello, Lucy, Fred just called me and I think I ought to tell you before you get too involved Ricky hired those burlesque comics.
Ew (Latin dance music playing) Well, some opening night, huh? Yes.
Too bad Lucy was so stubborn.
She wouldn't even come down.
Did you see Ricky? Yeah, but he couldn't talk to me.
Something went wrong backstage.
One of the ballet dancers took sick, and they don't know what they're going to do about the number.
Lucy knows that routine.
She learned it from Madame Lamand.
Gee, that would be a great break for her.
Yeah.
But what a terrible trick to play on Ricky.
It is not.
She'll be fine.
I'm going to call her up and tell her to come right now.
You go find Ricky and tell him you've got another dancer.
All right.
(phone rings) Hello.
Hello, Lucy, this is Ethel.
I'm down at the club.
Yeah.
The most exciting thing just happened.
One of the performers just got sick and can't do the act and you're the only one that knows the routine.
Routine? You mean "Slowly I Turn"? Yeah, all that turning stuff.
You learned it that day, didn't you? I'll say.
Uh, what about my partner? Oh, he's here.
Okay, I'll get my costume on, and I'll be right down.
Well, hurry up.
You'll just have time to make it.
Okay.
(playing song intro) Linda flor de alborada Te brotaste del suelo Cuando la luz del cielo Tu capullo besaba De la rosa y el encanto El penso que te ama tanto Que ya loco de amor siente celos de la vez Del aire, del sol.
Marta, capullito de rosa Marta, del jardin linda flor Dime que feliz mariposa En tu caricia pulsa Arriata del sol Marta, que en tus claras pupilas Brilla una aurora de amor Marta, que en tus ojos azules De infatigable candor De buen huellos, adios.
Martha, rambling rose in the wildwood Martha, with a fragrance divine Rosebud of the days of my childhood Watch you bloom in the wildwood And I hope you'll be mine Martha, now your eyes beam at twilight Sparkling like the dew from a dawn Martha, well, I live for your love-light I awake with a sigh And I find you are gone Martha, Martha, Martha.
Ricky? Well, hello, honey.
It's about time you got home.
Come in, dear.
Are you mad at me, honey? Why, of course not, honey.
Are you sure? Positive.
Come in, honey.
Ricky Ricardo! Well, I guess I had it coming to me.
Now we're even.
Yeah.
(theme music playing) WGBH access.
wgbh.
org ANNOUNCER: The burlesque comic was played by Frank Scannell.
The part of Madame Lamand was played by Mary Wickes.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.
Hi, Lucy.
Hi, Lucy.
You ready? Hi, Rick.
Yeah, almost.
Come on, Ricky, get your coat, honey.
Picture starts at 8:22.
Oh, honey, I-I think you better go alone.
I'm having nothing but problems with my new show.
Oh, Ricky, what kind of problems? Well it's a cavalcade of show business we're doing and I'm-I'm having trouble finding some acts.
Oh, what kind of acts do you need, Ricky? What kind of acts do you need? Now, look, Lucy we're not going to go all over this again.
You cannot be in the show.
Give me one good reason.
You have no talent.
Give me another good reason.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
Look, honey, even if I wanted to put you in the show I wouldn't be able to do it.
There's only two openings- a ballet dancer and a pair of burlesque comics.
I'm a ballet dancer.
Well, I am, and I've had I've had experience, too.
I- I-I was in a dance recital in high school- "The Dance of the Flowers.
" She has got nice stems.
LUCY: Thank you.
I was the only petunia that did a solo.
Look, Petunia, Madame Lamand- the premier ballerina of the French Ballet- is staging this number.
I hardly think that she would consider that training enough.
Well, then she'll just have to be shown.
I just happen to have that costume in my trunk and I know that I can do that dance just as well now as I did then.
Once you really know ballet, it never leaves you.
Lucy, I didn't know you were a ballet dancer.
For four years, I was never off my toes.
What am I going to do about her? Have you ever thought of putting her in a large basket and leaving her on somebody's doorstep? (chuckling): No, that wouldn't work.
She's too smart; she'd find her way home.
Hey, Rick (clears throat) You know those comedians you want- do they do they really have to be, uh, burlesque comics? You know, I did a very funny act years ago with my partner, Ted Kertz.
Mertz and Kertz, the laugh twins.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
Presenting Mertz and Kertz.
Well, if I ain't my ol if it ain't my old friend, Fred.
How are you, Fred? Well, if it ain't my old friend, Ted.
How are you, Ted? Did you hear about the terrible accident on the streetcar, Freddy? No, I didn't hear about an accident on the streetcar, Teddy.
You mean to tell me you didn't hear about the accident on the streetcar, Teddy? Mertz I'm Kertz.
Now I'm Mertz.
How are you, Rick? They have to be burlesque comics.
Aw, pshaw, that's too bad.
Hey, by the way what was the terrible accident on the streetcar? (laughing) Wouldn't you like to know? No.
Well, I'll tell you anyway but remember, this is my best gag and you got to promise not to use it.
Okay, I promise.
What was the terrible accident on the streetcar, Fred? Well, a man had his eye on a seat and a woman sat on it.
(laughing) What a pip-a-roo! Remember now, you promised not to use it.
That's one promise I will never break.
Introducing Petunia Ricardo.
(music) (piano playing "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies") (music ends) Well? Well, you'll do for the comic but who am I going to get for the ballet dancer? Oh, Ricky, you're mean.
Look, honey, you're not serious about this, are you? I am, too.
Here I am with all this talent bottled up inside of me and you're always sitting on the cork.
Now, Lucy.
I'm gonna get in that show if it's the last thing I do.
Lucy, you're too young to die.
Whose side are you on? ETHEL: Well I'm going to get in that show or my name isn't Lucy Ricardo.
What did you say, Clem? Oh! (laughing): Touche.
En garde! I have just had a most exciting visit with the wife of Monsieur Ricardo.
She is a very experienced dancer and she will be your partner.
She is here now.
Come in, Madame Ricardo.
Entrez, entrez, entrez.
Come in, come in.
Mesdames et messieurs, Madame Ricardo.
Kiss the hand, Enchante, N'est-ce pas? Now, first I think we will start with a few limbering-up exercises.
I assume you know all the basic positions.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
All right, Ici, madame, ici.
Classe, en place.
All righty, class.
Now then, first position.
Bon, bon.
No, madame, further out.
No, madame, the toes further out.
Madame, not that far out.
Now then, a plie.
And a one, a two, a three, a four a five, a six, a seven, eight.
A one, a two, a three, a four, a five Stop, stop, stop.
Stop! Fifth position.
Now then Plie.
And a one, a two, a three, a four a five, a six, a seven, eight.
A one Tres bien, classe.
Petite battement.
And a one, a two, a three, a change.
A one, a two, a three, a change.
One, a two, a three, a change.
a one, a two (taps floor with cane) Un moment, un moment.
Releve.
Tour en I'air.
A one, a two, a three, a four a five, a six, a seven, eight.
A one, a two, a three, a four a five, a six, a seven, eight.
A one, a two, a three, a four Enough! Enough! Take a rest period! Except Madame Ricardo.
Madame Ricardo, I am afraid you have not quite had the experience I had hoped for.
Well, I guess I am a little rusty.
I think we should go to the barre.
Oh, good, because I'm awful thirsty.
Madame This barre.
Oh, I thought you meant Take your place at the barre.
Feet in first position.
Now, in the first place your posture is atrocious.
Shoulders back, hips under stomach in, chest out chin up, knees straight.
Now then, remembering all these things raise the right leg even with the barre.
Even with the barre? Even with the barre.
Now then, lower the leg slowly to the floor.
Madame, the leg down, a bas.
A bas! A bas.
A bas! A bas! A bas! A bas.
A bas, a bas.
A bas.
A- a-a bas! A bas.
A bas! A bas.
Where are you going? No, no, no, no, there is much work to do.
There is? Oui, you have great talent.
I have? But there is much to do to get you in shape for the opening.
Now then, at the barre feet in first position.
Shoulders back, hips under stomach in, chest out chin up, knees straight.
Now then, plie.
And a one, a two, a three, a four a five, a six, a seven, eight (phone rings) Hello.
Hello, Lucy.
How are you feeling today? Can you move yet? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
As a matter of fact I'm expecting my partner here any minute.
Your partner? I thought you gave up ballet.
Oh, I did; that was too much work.
No, I called the Lido Theater and asked them to send over a comic to teach me a burlesque act.
(doorbell buzzes) Oh, somebody's at the door; maybe that's him.
I'll call you back later, Ethel.
Well, this must be the place.
(whistles) Well, what time do the girls get here? Uh, how do you do? I'm Mrs.
Ricardo.
Oh, how do you do? Where's the fella who wants me to teach him a bit? Oh, right here.
Say, you're a nice-looking fella.
Thank you.
You see, I have a wonderful chance to get into a show if I can do a burlesque act.
Oh, I don't know about doing this bit with a dame.
These bit-bits are done by two men.
Well, couldn't you just pretend that I'm a man? Okay, I got a good imagination.
Come here.
Here, this will help.
Try it on.
Okay.
Now, let's see.
What bit will we do? How about "Slowly I turn"? Slowly I turn? What's that? That's the name of the sketch.
Oh.
Want to try it? All right.
There isn't much to it.
What do I do? Well, I'll be sitting here on this park bench here.
You come along, tell me I look down in the mouth.
Ask me if you can help.
Yeah, well, what happens then? Well, the rest of it sort of takes care of itself.
Okay.
Want to try it? Yeah.
Uh, you look down in the mouth.
Can I help you? Stranger, you have a kind face.
Would you like to hear my story? Say, "Yeah.
" Yeah.
Okay.
I wasn't always a bum.
Once I was handsome like you.
Then she came into my life.
It was love at first sight.
And we were married and very happy until one night, there came a knock at the door.
I opened it.
A stranger was there.
I vowed to make my home his home.
And that was the beginning of the end.
One night when I returned home from work I found the usual note.
The stranger had stolen my wife away.
Then the search began.
I followed them all over the world Until one day I saw them at Niagara Falls- that beast and my lovely wife.
I never mention her name because when I do everything turns black in front of me.
I'm possessed with a lust to kill.
That's why I never mention her name.
But it's the same as George Washington's wife.
Martha? Martha that's it, Martha.
Slowly I turned step by step, inch by inch I crept up on the beast who had ruined my life.
I looked around for a rock.
I grab one, I let him have it.
Revenge was all I had on my mind.
(screaming) Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! What's the matter with you? Oh.
Oh, you're not him.
No! You're the one with the kind face.
Yeah! I'm sorry.
I'm not well.
Well, that's all right, I understand.
I guess it might have been quite a shock to you thinking about Martha.
Martha! Slowly I turned step by step inch by inch, I crept up on him.
I looked around for another rock.
I grab it.
I let him have it once more.
Revenge, that's all I wanted.
Stop! Stop it! Give me that thing.
What's the matter with you? Don't you remember me? Oh, it's you.
Yeah, the one with the kind face.
I'm sorry.
I'm very weak.
I should have met you when I was stronger.
Yeah, you should have met me before you met Ma Oh.
I almost said "Martha.
" Slowly I turned step by step, inch by inch.
I looked around for a rock.
I couldn't find one.
So, I grabbed a handful of Niagara Falls and I let him have it.
Give me that thing.
That's enough of this.
I agree with you.
It's too much.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Well, you ought to be.
Look at me, I'm a mess.
That's a very strange way to react just because you hear the name Martha.
Martha! Slowly I turned step by step, inch by inch I crept up on him.
I let him have it.
I let him Drop it! Drop it! Drop it! Drop it! On the floor? No, let me have it.
Okay.
What's the matter with you? Are you crazy or something? You said to let you have it.
Oh! Oh, you gotta You're a pretty good sport.
Here.
Now that you got the idea of the bit you want to try it again? Yeah, but this time, you be the one with the kind face.
Okay.
(phone rings) Hello.
Hello, Lucy, Fred just called me and I think I ought to tell you before you get too involved Ricky hired those burlesque comics.
Ew (Latin dance music playing) Well, some opening night, huh? Yes.
Too bad Lucy was so stubborn.
She wouldn't even come down.
Did you see Ricky? Yeah, but he couldn't talk to me.
Something went wrong backstage.
One of the ballet dancers took sick, and they don't know what they're going to do about the number.
Lucy knows that routine.
She learned it from Madame Lamand.
Gee, that would be a great break for her.
Yeah.
But what a terrible trick to play on Ricky.
It is not.
She'll be fine.
I'm going to call her up and tell her to come right now.
You go find Ricky and tell him you've got another dancer.
All right.
(phone rings) Hello.
Hello, Lucy, this is Ethel.
I'm down at the club.
Yeah.
The most exciting thing just happened.
One of the performers just got sick and can't do the act and you're the only one that knows the routine.
Routine? You mean "Slowly I Turn"? Yeah, all that turning stuff.
You learned it that day, didn't you? I'll say.
Uh, what about my partner? Oh, he's here.
Okay, I'll get my costume on, and I'll be right down.
Well, hurry up.
You'll just have time to make it.
Okay.
(playing song intro) Linda flor de alborada Te brotaste del suelo Cuando la luz del cielo Tu capullo besaba De la rosa y el encanto El penso que te ama tanto Que ya loco de amor siente celos de la vez Del aire, del sol.
Marta, capullito de rosa Marta, del jardin linda flor Dime que feliz mariposa En tu caricia pulsa Arriata del sol Marta, que en tus claras pupilas Brilla una aurora de amor Marta, que en tus ojos azules De infatigable candor De buen huellos, adios.
Martha, rambling rose in the wildwood Martha, with a fragrance divine Rosebud of the days of my childhood Watch you bloom in the wildwood And I hope you'll be mine Martha, now your eyes beam at twilight Sparkling like the dew from a dawn Martha, well, I live for your love-light I awake with a sigh And I find you are gone Martha, Martha, Martha.
Ricky? Well, hello, honey.
It's about time you got home.
Come in, dear.
Are you mad at me, honey? Why, of course not, honey.
Are you sure? Positive.
Come in, honey.
Ricky Ricardo! Well, I guess I had it coming to me.
Now we're even.
Yeah.
(theme music playing) WGBH access.
wgbh.
org ANNOUNCER: The burlesque comic was played by Frank Scannell.
The part of Madame Lamand was played by Mary Wickes.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.