Kiff (2021) s01e19 Episode Script

[opening theme plays]
Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff! ♪
[chuckles]
[both laughing]
[woman] Brought to you by Toad Bucket.
It's exactly what it sounds like.
[school bell rings]
[groans]
Oh, mysterious faculty lounge,
what wonders do you hold?
I mean, a place
for the teachers to lounge?
[sighs] It must be
an academic wonderland in there
Oh, wow!
[Prince] fascinating
that I wouldn't share
with my students, they don't deserve it.
Eye in the sky tells us
of a discovered galaxy.
Where are we on that incredible pendulum?
You gumdrops trying to see
inside the lounge again?
Ha! Good luck, no student
has ever seen inside.
I'm going in.
Yes?
We, uh,
have a question for Miss Deer Teacher.
-Is she in there?
-Afraid not. Nobody is.
Whoa! I'm supposed to be in the cafeteria
sampling new tater tots.
Kiff. Barry.
[groans]
[gasps] There! There!
The door's still open.
Cover me!
[gasps]
[clock ticking]
Mmm. This place is a dump.
"Teacher coming!!"
"Hide!!!" [gasps]
Oh, no!
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
No students allowed!
I should expel you
just for looking in there.
Whoa! Sorry, Mr. RiPeppa!
I didn't see anything!
[grunting in pain]
Go so many obstacles in this hallway.
[suspenseful music plays]
[deeply sighs]
[joints popping]
Alone in the lounge at last!
[chuckles heartily]
[happily groans] Whoa!
That feels good.
I wonder what's for lunch today,
eh?
Hmm.
"Property of Miss Deer Teacher."
Heh. We'll see about that.
Ooh. Hello.
[chomping food loudly]
That was a scrumptious sandwich.
No part of me feels
complicated about this.
Just got to get rid
of the evidence. Ooh
I just witnessed a theft
of a delicious sandwich
by a remorseless monster who's in charge
of an entire class of children!
I've got to get out of here.
Barry, find a way
to get Mr. RiPeppa
out of lounge.
Bad news, RiPeppa, a student just told me
your car is being toad.
-What?
-Yeah.
Toads all over it.
Oh, no! I gotta deal with this.
I will assist.
Wait. You know what?
They can have it. I've been trying
to get rid of that clunker for years.
Heh. I want to live!
The man wants to live.
-Aw, man!
-Now, what was that?
Hey, you ever think
the couch would look better over there?
I have.
Yikesee. Ooh! Ahh!
Nothing under the couch.
Why would you say that?
Usually you see things
that end up under there--
wrappers, tennis balls and whatnot.
Oh, yeah, the couch
is incredible over here.
Finally, a good location for the couch!
Hey, let's see how many teachers
we could fit on this thing, eh?
Hey, Helen, Miss Deer Teacher,
Secretary Prince! Sweepy! Get in here!
-You gotta see this.
-[all clamoring]
[groans] No
Stunning.
Oh, everyone grab a seat.
Hope we all fit.
What fun.
[Miss Deer Teacher laughs]
[ominous theme playing]
[all exclaim]
[clamoring]
Pushing this couch to the limit.
Kind of hot with us
all crammed on the couch.
Should I turn on the fan?
-[Helen] Oh, yes!
-[RiPeppa] Crank her up.
[RiPeppa] Let her rip.
[groans]
[Miss Deer Teacher] Coffee's ready!
Grab your mugs.
Mine's in front, as it should be.
Oh, mine is also in the front.
-[Secretary Prince] And mine.
-[Miss Deer Teacher] And mine.
-[Sweepy] And mine.
-[RiPeppa] And mine.
Oh, what a magical day we're having!
[panting]
[cell phone buzzing]
"Barry. Forget toads. It didn't work.
Create a diversion on playground!"
You got it, Kiff.
It didn't work!
You guys can get outta here!
[ribbits]
Ooh, I'm getting kind of hungry.
Maybe I'll grab
my sandwich from the fridge.
[clearing throat loudly]
[spoon swirling in cup]
[slurps]
[exhales]
[slurps]
[tape stretching]
[slams]
[shakers shifting]
What is happening?
[paper tearing]
[dings]
Oh, boy, heh,
have I had a day!
10 a.m. this morning
I was teaching up a storm ♪
And I thought
It was going well ♪
But the whole class
Started yawning ♪
Today I wore
My brand new sneaks ♪
I think they're neat
But this kid asked me ♪
Are those bananas
On your feet? ♪
I guess 'cause they're yellow? Ugh.
Teaching is hard
But we love it anyway ♪
Tell us about your day! Hey!
Tell us about your day! ♪
Graded papers through lunch
Haven't eaten a bunch ♪
I just want my sammy
Am I asking for too much? ♪
I was taking a nap
Dreaming I was on a beach ♪
But my students woke me up
They wanted me to teach ♪
There was a food fight
In the cafeteria at noon ♪
I took a look and said
I'm gonna need a bigger broom ♪
I spent
The morning scrubbing ♪
Ugh, what a chore ♪
Some prankster wrote an F ♪
Before the "ART"
On my door ♪
You see what I'm dealing with here?
"F" and then "ART". So it spells fart.
Teaching is hard
But we love it anyway ♪
We'll make it
Through the day! Hey! ♪
We'll make it
Through the day! ♪
I've been on my feet all day.
Help! Oh, help!
Darryn, get out of here, man.
What are you doing?
Hey, a kid's tangled up in the swings.
[slurps]
[Barry, in distance] Help!
[gasps] Now's my chance.
Thank you, Barry.
[tense music plays]
Hey, did you do the song without me?
Is it because last time
I rhymed pencil with pencil?
Huh? They're looking away.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Uh
-[ribbits]
-Help!
Ah, not to worry.
I shall extract the child
from the swings.
Didn't know that was a thing.
But, uh, thank you, Sweepy.
Uh, well, all, almost end of the day.
When that bell rings, I can split.
-[school bell rings]
-Yes!
Hey, someone ate my sandwich!
That's the fourth time this month.
What am I going to eat now, huh?
An apple? I can't eat another apple.
I just can't!
Oh, no, I always give her apples.
This will not stand.
No one leaves this room
until we identify
the bread and meat thief.
[ominous music plays]
[all groan]
Lock the door, Secretary Prince.
We'll stay here all night if we have to.
Unfortunate, as I was supposed
to go to the airport
to retrieve our new guidance counselor,
Ms. Foodcake, who no one has met yet.
What? You don't even know
what she looks like?
No one does. She had a phone interview.
I was just gonna hold up
this card with her name on it.
I'm really proud of it.
I spent all night making it.
I used three colors.
[tense music plays]
-[all chattering then stop]
-Greetings.
I'm Ms. Foodcake.
[all extending greetings]
My flight landed early, so I took a taxi.
Didn't want to be a bother.
Ha! Splendid.
And I see you've already
familiarized yourself
with the faculty lounge closet.
-Perfect.
-Yes. Excellent closet.
Now, I think I ought
to head to my, uh, hotel
and get some sleep.
Of course, Ms. Foodcake.
Now, where were we?
[overlapping dialogue]
Just leave the faculty lounge, Kiff.
Uh, this is tearing us apart.
This is breaking my heart, people.
Oh, there's no use. I say we give up.
[overlapping dialogue]
A lounge divided will not stand!
-[Kiff] Everyone, please!
-[teachers quiet]
You all work so hard.
It's not worth it
to be stuck here all night.
So I'm sure the sandwich thief
will confess
because he understands
how precious your time is.
Oh, won't you help us solve this,
Mr. Ri
Peppa?
Okay, RiPeppa, she's obviously saying
that you took the sandwich.
Heck, part of the rapper
is stuck to your shoe.
[RiPeppa] Oh
RiPeppa, how could you?
Uh, how's that kid
in the swing, by the way?
There will be consequences, RiPeppa.
Thank you, Ms. Foodcake.
I can tell you will be an asset
to Table Town School.
You have brought this
upon yourself, RiPeppa.
[ominous music plays]
[Sweepy grunting]
I'll go get the World Encyclopedia.
[Sweepy groans]
Hey, Barry.
Who are you?
Oh, hey, Kiff.
Let's get you out of there.
Oh, Barry, I've had a day and a half.
[Barry yelps]
I learned so much about teachers!
They're-- They're people, Barry!
People with hopes, dreams and fears!
Just like us. Let's go home.
We gotta make
Miss Deer Teacher a sandwich.
Come on. I'll make you one, too.
[Barry] Uh, all right.
Oh. Heh. All right.
-[frog ribbits]
-[Barry] Gimme your shoulder.
Thank you.
[chime sounds over P.A.]
Hello? Are you Principal Secretary?
No? Oh.
Hi. Are you Principal Secret--?
-Okay, no.
-[frog ribbits]
Um Uh, sorry.
-Hello?
-[ribbits]
[Helen] Brought to you by
Carol's Crullers.
They're fancy donuts.
Pay for 'em.
[whispers] I can't figure out number nine.
Barry. There's no right answer.
Just reply honestly,
and that computer will tell you
what your future career is going to be.
-Oh
-[Kiff exclaims excitedly]
I'm gonna get astronaut. I can feel it.
Or president. Or war hero.
[Miss Deer Teacher] All right, students,
time to get your results.
[computer voice reads]
-[applause]
-How suit-able.
[computer voice reads]
-[applause]
-Anybody here getting married?
[computer voice reads]
-[applause]
-Fascinating!
Or is it?
Quick! Something interesting
is happening outside!
What are we looking at?
Is that Helen's car getting towed?
-What? You're kidding me?
-[reverse sensors beeping]
Is it because I parked
in the principal's spot again?
Let's march down to his office
and demand justice for me!
Helen, get out of here
with your greedy gibberish.
I'm in the middle of class.
Come on, astronaut
[computer voice reads]
P.A.? P.A.?
P Part-- Party Animal?
Nope, it says here
it stands for personal assistant.
-[Kiff gasps]
-[school bell rings]
Miss Deer Teacher, there's been a mistake.
Ah, I can't just be some dinky assistant,
getting coffee and doing laundry
for some bigwig the rest of my life.
I'm supposed to be the big wig.
Let me retake the test!
Kiff, these tests are very sophisticated.
Well, if you think
the tests are so sophisticated,
why don't you marry them?
Sorry. Sorry. That was uncalled for.
Ugh! You got me all riled up.
I want you to try being
a personal assistant this week.
Who knows, you might just learn
something surprising about yourself.
And if I don't?
If, by the end of the week,
it's clear you're not a good fit for P.A.,
I let you retake the test deal. Deal?
Oh, I guarantee I won't be a good fit.
Heh. I'll be the worst fit.
In fact, I doubt there's
even anyone out there
cuckoo enough to hire me.
[Helen] Oh, my gosh!
I'm actually looking
for someone to assist me personally. Eh?
[Kiff groans]
I'm about to be the worst
personal assistant in history.
And I'm about to blow the lid
off something.
[both laughing]
Time to get my bad on.
[rock music plays]
She's not good ♪
She's incompetent ♪
Unsatisfactory
Performance ♪
She'll do the job ♪
In a poorly manner ♪
She let you down ♪
And she got no manners ♪
She's not good ♪
That's what I said ♪
She's not good ♪
She's incompetent ♪
Not a good assistant ♪
Not a good assistant ♪
Not a good assistant ♪
No way ♪
I have a few questions for you, Kiff.
How's your mission going?
I'm doing an incredible job.
I can't help myself, I'm out of control.
I've already taken care
of everything on Helen's
"To-do-ey" list for the entire month,
and it's only been three days.
[Barry] Do her laundry,
alphabetizing her warts,
contesting her parking tickets.
This is all pretty easy stuff
for a smart go getter like yourself.
What you need to find
is an impossible task.
What do you mean?
Helen's an unhinged individual.
Get her to ask you to do
something totally unreasonable,
that can't be done--
That way you're bound to fail,
Helen will fire you,
and you'll get your do over on the test.
Hmm
Got another parking ticket
while you were out there slacking off.
How? Fine. I'll take care of it later.
But first, Helen, I love assisting you.
-Who wouldn't?
-But I still feel like
I could be doing more for you.
I want to make your dreams come true.
What's something on your "to-do-ey" list
of your heart?
Something impossible sounding even.
I've always wanted to eat
a sculpture of my own face
made of Salisbury steak.
Bigger, Helen, crazier!
I've never told anyone this,
but ever since I was a little witch,
I dreamed of winning
the Table Town Humanitarian
of the Year award.
You want to win the TT HOTY?
The prestigious award given only
to the most kind-hearted and charitable
Tabletonians?
Move it, Granny!
Me first, bozo!
Got another parking ticket
while you were out there slacking off.
I've been rejected 400 years in a row.
They claim it's because I've never done
a single kind thing for anyone.
But I know it's all political.
I'm even banned
from attending the ceremony,
which is tomorrow night, coincidentally.
[scoffs, chuckles]
[laughing]
[both laughing]
If I can't help you win
Humanitarian of the Year tomorrow,
[chuckles] you can fire me.
I'll insist on it.
[maniacal laughing]
[both laughing]
[relaxing music plays]
[laughter continues]
[Kiff clears throat]
[Kiff] That's right, MDT.
Get a good seat for the show.
[snickers]
You're sure this is going to work?
Oh, it better.
I mean, yes. Yes, it will.
You get my crullers?
They never have to have
decent snacks at these things.
You're a natural-born P.A., Kiff.
[nervous chuckle]
We'll talk after.
Bye-bye, personal assistant,
hello, new test.
[sinister laugh]
[Helen laughs in distance]
[applause and cheering]
Let's hear it again
for the Turnino Boys Choir
and their touching rendition
of "Humanitarian Boogie".
And now we've come to the main event,
the announcement of Table Town's
Humanitarian of the Year.
Not so fast!
That's right.
It's me, Helen,
the one you labeled too inconsiderate
to ever win this award!
Well, consider this, jerks.
Here comes an awesome speech.
This is terrible. It's perfect.
You judges think
you're so great, don't you?
Well, I think you stink.
I think everyone
in this stinking town stinks.
If any of you have an ounce of taste,
you'd be heaping awards
at my charitable feet!
But no!
[Kiff and Helen] You aren't fit to judge
the crud on my doormat.
That's my cue.
Banners going down
and so is my P.A. career.
I'll take that do-over test now, MDT.
[sinister laugh] Whoa-- Whoa!
[screaming]
Oh, my crullers!
[angelic music plays]
She saved that child's life!
[crowd cheering]
The judges have conferred
and would like to announce
a last-minute change.
Please put your hands together for
Helen
Table Town's Humanitarian of the Year!
[Helen] Oh, my God! I did it!
What's happening?
"I did it"?
[cheering and applause]
But that's impossible!
[Kiff] Which can only mean
I really am destined
to be a personal assistant.
The test was right!
[Barry] Wait!
Don't give Helen that award.
Security! Who let these children in?
They're wearing tuxes.
My name is Barry,
and I'm an investigative journalist.
I have just concluded my investigation,
and I'm here to expose corruption.
Every year this happens.
There's something you all
need to know about Helen
before you give her the award.
She's not the innocent
child-saver she appears to be.
Oh, please! I'm the Humanitarian
of the Year.
Fork over the trophy.
I can prove it.
Videographer! The evidence, please.
When I confiscated Renee's phone
for my investigation,
I admit I suspected her of global treason.
Little did I know, her phone
had recorded the events
surrounding Kiff's
fateful career day test.
-Uh-oh.
-[Barry] That's right!
[Barry] Helen tampered
with the career test machine.
Kiff was never supposed
to get "personal assistant".
Helen just wanted a kid
to do all her chores for free.
[audience gasps, murmuring]
Oh, don't act so surprised.
[groans] But, Barry, it doesn't matter.
This whole week proved
I should be a personal assistant.
I'm really good at it.
Aw. But don't you see, Kiff?
Tonight, you did the impossible,
like P.A.s so often do
in this crazy, mixed up world.
If you can get a crank like Helen
to win a humanitarian award,
just think what else you can do.
The only thing you proved this week
is that you're capable of doing anything.
Case closed.
So I can still be astronaut-president?
[clears throat] Well, duh.
Those tests aren't the boss of you.
I am.
Don't listen to them.
It's not true.
Mine said I should be
kept away from society
as a remote lighthouse keeper.
And look at me now,
winning the Humanitarian
of the Year award!
No, we're taking that back.
Okay Look at me now,
stealing the Humanitarian
of the Year award.
[Helen cackles]
-Darn it.
-She won't get far.
I'm pretty sure her car's been impounded.
[all laugh]
[closing theme plays]
Chirp.