Kolchak: The Night Stalker (1974) s01e19 Episode Script
The Youth Killer
Nowhere in man's history does he display more tenacity, more perseverance, than in his search for eternal youth.
Halting the relentless process of aging has been a constant dream of man's and woman's.
Hecate- Eternal youth- Is it really a dream, or is it possible that somewhere someone found the secret? The following experience gave me a new attitude on the whole subject of youth and aging.
September 20, 8:05 p.
m.
William Cubby, age 22, deeply concerned with retaining his youthful vigor, his trim physique.
This concern had made him a dedicatedjogger.
Cubby would never know if thejogging really helped.
He was the first in a series of Chicagoans Who were spared the ordeal of seeing their youth slip away, slowly.
See what can happen with all this emphasis on staying young? Poor old fool.
What's so unusual about a man of 90 having a heart attack and dying? He was jogging.
Jogging! I'll be happy if I can bend down and tie my shoelaces when I'm 90.
If you take better care of yourself, with the proper food and exercise, you should be able to do everything at 90 that you could do at 19.
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning, Mr.
Vincenzo.
What a lovely morning today.
Yeah.
- You notice anything different about me today? Anything different? - Different? Yes.
I lost five pounds.
Exercise, yoga 45 minutes a day, and I skip breakfast.
- Have we run out of things to do around here? - No.
You are working on the swinging singles update, Carl, right? Yeah, yeah, that's right.
What have you come up with so far? Uh, listen, there have been a lot of changes in the last 10 years in the dating scene.
That was the reason for the update.
You will have it on my desk by Friday, won't you? - Friday.
Right.
- Fine.
Uh, that's just a rough draft.
Tony, I've got here a very nice French, caramel-covered doughnut.
You can have it for breakfast.
I won't tell anybody.
This fellow would have never reached 90 eating stuff like that.
Yeah, but look what he died from- exercise.
Carl- Now, Tony, that is a rough draft.
You understand? I understand.
I'm just blocking it out- I'm just gonna glance at it.
That's all.
Well, it's, uh- It's very rough.
What's that? - That's for colds and flu.
- What's the other one? - That's vitamin "E.
" - What's that for? You know, Tony, there was something very peculiar about that oldjogger.
This is quite good, Carl.
I will get the rest of it on Friday? - He was jogging along the River Road- - Carl, forget about that fella.
Nobody cares about 90-year-old people! Tony- Carl, this is a youth-oriented culture.
Their music, clothing styles, language- That's where it is news-wise at this point in time.
But that body had no I.
D.
On it.
I mean, it had no social security.
It had no Medicaid, Medicare.
It had nothing.
Carl, look, last week on theJohnny Carson show, they had an Indian, 110 years old.
He wore this feathered war bonnet, and he was doing push-ups, and it was dull.
I get the point, Tony.
I get the point.
I hope so.
It's, uh- It's just that along that particular strip along the River Road means that that old jogger had to run for four miles.
I mean, a 90-year-old man.
Lfhe had drove to River Road, they'd have found his car by now.
And if somebody dropped him off down there, whoever it was would've come down to claim the body by now.
But you're right, Tony.
Who cares? Nobody cares.
New York wants that swinging singles feature.
It wants it light, perceptive, full of insight and by Friday! Right, right, right.
I get it, Tony.
Right.
Ca- The most conservative newspaper in Chicago has a classified column headed "Social Clubs.
'" The ads offer computer matching, astrological mating, but it all boils down to a simple need.
You want a girl, right? No, not exactly.
What I really wanna know is how it all works.
I find you the girl of your dreams is how it works.
And then what happens? Magic, love, maybe even friendship.
Uh, here, take one of these cards and fill it out, and we'll get started.
Uh-huh.
Well, can I think about it? What's to think about? Oh, now, don't be nervous.
Why, I take care of everything.
Now, uh, generally, you meet the girl right here, usually- come and sit down- usually with her relatives, and we have a nice cup of tea.
Come and sit down.
Yeah, all right, all right.
And it's very informal.
Um, is there something you wanted to tell me? Uh- Something you're ashamed of? No.
You see, I'm a newspaper reporter.
Well, that's not so bad.
I'll find you a girl anyway.
No, I don't want a girl.
See, I'm looking for an angle for a story I'm writing on the singles scene.
You mean you're wasting my time for nothing? I chose you because I think you've got the whole picture.
I mean, the whole schmear.
Besides that, I've got a very tough editor, and I've got a very short deadline.
Are you married? Me? No.
What's your biggest competitor? Oh, singles apartments, singles bars, computer matching.
Oh? - Have you ever been married? - No.
Never, never, never.
Uh-huh.
Computer matching.
I thought that went out with love beads.
Well, I watched a lot of them fold up, but there's still a few left.
- What's the biggest one? - Max Match.
- Max- - Oh, these people.
They're only concerned about youth and physical beauty.
- Egomaniacs trying to hook up with each other.
- Yeah.
I mean, charm, steady work, sincerity- These things don't count for anything.
- Uh, you have a good job? - Yeah, it's all right.
What are your hobbies? None.
I'm too busy.
I work all the time.
Oh, good.
That means you're ambitious.
Oh, I've got a lot of nice girls for you to meet.
What? What are you doing there? What do you got? No, Bella.
You got the wrong idea.
No, I'm- I'm not in the market for a wife.
Me, married? That's ridiculous.
No, thanks.
Thanks a lot, Bella, but I've gotta go to work.
Oh, good.
Business does come first.
Don't worry.
I'll be in touch.
Yeah.
Newspaperman.
Author.
September 21, 8:13 p.
m.
Cynthia Tibbs, young and beautiful and determined to stay that way, was performing her nightly exercise.
Cynthia's concern over aging was more real than she would ever know.
September 22, 10:00 a.
m.
I had spent the night hitting singles bars, hearing all about biorhythms, Harvey Wallbangers, rugby, tuned exhausts and, of course, sex.
I got enough to write that part of my feature.
Singles apartments were up for the next day, and I found they came in all sizes in varying degrees of exclusivity.
I decided to start at the top.
This way.
May I have that, please? Oh, yes, of course.
I was just looking for someone in authority to give it to.
Mmm.
Thank you.
What did the medical examiner say? May I ask who you are? Yes, of course.
See, Kolchak, I.
N.
S.
You're Kolchak? Yeah, that's right.
You're the one the precinct captains are always talking about? What do they say? That you're a pinwheel.
That's because those idiots don't know - I don't accept other people's judgments.
I make my own evaluations.
Are you sure that you work on the Chicago Police Department and not for some independent agency I don't know anything about? Uh, Chicago P.
D.
, Sergeant Orkin.
I like to think I understand the value of the news media.
I feel the police and press should work in concert.
Well, where you been all my life? In Edgewood, out in the boonies.
My first case is a hundred-year-old Jane Doe, in a singles playground, dressed in a body stocking.
Uh-huh.
Why would she wear a ring that was so loose it falls off her finger? When my grandmother hit 80, she insisted on wearing her stockings over her shoes.
Sometimes they get that way.
They do, huh? Yeah.
Miss Tibbs? Just a minute.
Take a look around the bedroom.
What's the party's name? Cynthia Tibbs, a professional convention hostess.
Beautiful girl.
Is she at work now? I guess, or she's sleeping out these days.
Uh-huh.
She went away and just left this sliding door wide open? Why not? Who's gonna rob her up here on the third floor? Besides, this is a security building.
Uh-huh.
Miss Tibbs mention anything to you about having a relative staying? Mother, grandmother, aunt? No, no.
No sign of an older woman's clothes and no suitcases.
What's this doing on? She probably left that on so people would think someone was home.
I do the same thing, in case of robbery.
I thought this was a security building.
This is the last apartment.
I don't know how the old girl got where she got, but she didn't take a gainer off one of these balconies.
Has anybody been in to identify him? Nope.
What about the old lady they brought in today? Are you kidding? Read the coroner's report.
Puts them both at about 100 years old.
Yeah.
Nobody comes in to identify people that age.
You know, he must have lived a rich full life to have hung on to such a ripe old age.
Mmm.
Yeah.
It says on here the cause of death was heart failure.
What about the old lady? Same.
Do you mind if I lower the sheet? My arms are getting tired.
Wait.
There's a mark on his finger.
It looks like a ring mark.
Do you got the ring? It may be in the personal belongings box.
Personal belongings box.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
"11684.
" Uh, how much, Gordy? Not this time.
You're always down in the morgue asking special favors.
No, I always pay.
You promise money, but you never come through.
No, you got me mixed up with somebody else.
How about five bucks? Nope.
We morgue attendants are always getting burned by you.
We talked it over, and we want a portable TV for when things are slow.
Color.
A color television set? Are you out of your mind? I don't have that kind of money.
By the way, that glass peeper belongs to the old man.
Why wasn't it in the autopsy report? The pathologists don't bother doing full workups with real old people.
I mean, everything's wrong with them.
It goes in the belongings box.
Listen, Gordy, I've got to get in that box.
Come on.
You know I can't afford a television set.
Aw, how much can it cost ya? Well, black and white? Color.
Black and white.
Eighteen-inch screen? Used.
It's a deal.
All right.
That's the glass eye.
Glass eye.
Right.
Okay.
Jogging trousers.
Shoes.
Shoes.
He had big feet, huh? This is his jacket.
Down here- What's this? A key.
Uh-huh.
Where's the ring? There's no ring in here.
Where is it? Well, either he wasn't wearing it when he died, or it fell off.
No one here took it.
Nothing gets you fired so fast.
Yeah, all right.
Concerning your television set- Please, please, no threats.
N- We made a deal, and I let you look in the box.
Is it my fault if the ring isn't in there? Well, uh- Now, I think the TV'll go right there.
Uh-huh.
And if I'm not watching Let's Make a Deal by the end of next week, there'll be no more deals down here.
Yes, sir.
If Monty Hall can't liven this place up, there's no hope.
Thanks a lot, Gordy.
You there, there's no parking along this stretch of the road.
What do you got there? What do you got there? Huh? Oh.
Uh- A four-leaf clover.
Yes? Send him in.
Come in.
Well, this is nice, really.
It's comfortable for me.
May I call you Lance? Sure.
That'd be terrific.
The computer was right.
You're charming.
Yeah.
Sit down.
Max Match is very exclusive in itself, Lance, but within the general membership there are superior people.
Truly superior in every respect.
- The computer picks them out.
It picked you.
This means that you will be matched with the most beautiful people in Chicago.
- You will be a member of the Olympians.
- Is it expensive? No, there's no charge.
It's an indulgence of mine.
You see, beauty and youth are the most important things in the world to me.
I have to ask you a question.
It's very important.
Was everything on your application truthful? I mean, do you have any physical imperfections? - No, none at all.
- But there is something.
Well, my name really isn't Lance Mervin.
I changed it legally.
Well, that doesn't matter.
The name you picked suits you very well.
- Thank you.
- This makes you an Olympian.
Congratulations.
Now all the gods and goddesses will know who you are.
And this scroll makes it official.
- When does the action start? - Oh, tonight.
Well, I don't like what you're doing, Irvin.
Mother, can't you call me Lance? No.
You were Irvin when I was in labor.
You were Irvin when I fed you with my breast.
You'll always be Irvin for me.
I know.
What kind of a name is Lance for a cost accountant? That's the idea.
I'm trying to get my identity crisis together.
What? I want to change my image.
I don't understand that.
And I don't understand you using a machine either to pick some person you could spend your whole life with.
Are you listening to me? Or maybe you're thinking just of tonight.
I'd like to see the kind of girl you asked for.
I asked for a girl just like you.
Wash your hands.
Mmm.
Some kind of lady you're meeting in those short pants, Irvin.
These are tennis shorts.
It's what you wear on a tennis date.
Mm-hmm.
Call me Lance.
Don't be out late, Irvin! The key I had pilfered was stamped with the number 118 "E.
'" "E'"what? It took some footwork on my part, But I found a building on Akron Street that matched the number.
Wrong floor.
I'm downstairs.
Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Phew.
"William Cubby.
Max Match Corporation.
" The occupant's name was William Cubby, and whatever he was now, he had been considered a very special single by Max Match just a few days ago.
The scroll welcomed him into the inner circle of the super-beautiful- the perfect people.
But perhaps Cubby wasn't perfect.
Oh.
Indeed, it seemed that William Cubby wasn't perfect at all.
And Irvin, a.
k.
a.
Lance? He would never again be concerned about his image.
His mother was right.
Lance's appointment had indeed been with a different kind oflady.
Yeah, that's right.
And, of course, I thought about you immediately- about what you said about wanting to work in concert with the press, with me.
I said that? Yeah.
Well, here's our opportunity.
You can provide me with the proof that I need.
Uh, proof- Proof a hundred-year-old jogger is actually a that the two men are one and the same? Yeah, that's right.
I know what you're thinking.
Uh-huh.
You're thinking, why should I supply him with proof? - What's in it for me, right? - Right.
Why did you transfer here from Wedgewood? - Edgewood.
- Right.
Why did you make the move? It was for excitement and thrills and advancement, right? Okay, now picture this.
Picture yourself walking right into your captain's office, and you tell him that you got this case licked- that all these old people, who are embarrassing everybody in the department- everybody else- by dropping dead all over the place aren't really old people after all.
They're really a bunch of virile, supple swingers! - You are a pinwheel.
- What? When I came back that first day and told the captain you weren't such a bad guy, he almost busted a gut, finally had to go to the men's room.
Look here.
They stuck this in my coffee mug.
"A pinwheel for a pinhead.
" Well, I wouldn't pay any attention to that.
They're always kidding, those guys.
Now the old man in the morgue had a glass eye- blue- and so did William Cubby.
It was marked right down on his driver's license.
Here it is.
Here it is.
There's the spare blue eye.
See? - Our case rests on a glass eye? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
It kept nagging me.
You see, something was wrong with the driver's license.
- And sure enough, there it was- artificial eye.
- Let me get this straight.
You want me to go to the captain and tell him I've licked the case with a glass eye? People aging a lifetime overnight? No.
You see, the door key that was found on the old man fit Cubby's apartment.
Now what you have to do is you have to see if Cubby ever had his fingerprints taken.
Then you take those fingerprints, you go down to the lab, and you lift the prints off the old man down there and compare the two of them.
And if you do, that's our proof! That's all the proof that I need- you need-we need.
I can just see the print boys' faces when I tell them why I want the work.
Hey, what key the old man had? How'd you get this? Did you take personal belongings out of the morgue? Would I do a thing like that? You robbed our Cook County Morgue? Well, Sergeant, you know, it isn't a shrine.
- It's just a morgue.
- Get out.
- There was an- - I said, get out.
But I thought we were gonna work in concert together.
Concert.
When I start waving my baton, it'll be over your head.
- Well, if that's the way you feel about it.
- Here.
And take this with you.
How about it? Have you seen Cynthia Tibbs? Nothing.
Like I told you police before, that's her lifestyle.
You know, in and out, come and go.
She's probably here in the building, in another apartment.
For two whole days? I guess you haven't been single for a few years.
I was never that single.
What's that, some kind of clue? "This is to certify Cynthia Tibbs has been selected by the Max Match Corporation.
" Looks like she was some kind of a member of, uh, some kind of a society at the Max Match Corporation.
Uh, miss? Would you fill these out, please? Sure.
Uh, miss, could I have- What's all this medical background? Scars and operations? They really get personal.
That's the idea.
It makes it exclusive.
- I like it that way.
- Under partner preference, I'm gonna put down vegetarian, Sagittarius, on the cusp.
- What do you think? - I'll take any chick who's on a macrobiotic diet, who's into Tantric yoga.
What ever happened to the girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad? It's a song.
Miss- Would you follow me, please? Right this way.
Are you being helped? No, and, uh, I'm being ignored.
I'd like to know why.
What can I do for you? I would think the first thing I do is fill out one of those application forms.
I'm sorry, but- Linda, I'll see the gentleman.
Wowee! Looks like a boudoir.
I'm sorry.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
You see, we only accept people under 30.
Uh-huh.
Is that for your general membership, or is that restricted to the special group that you call the Olympians? Now, why would an attractive man like you be here? - I wanna be an Olympian.
- You don't need us.
You're very male.
You have the confidence to dress as you like, and, I suspect, do as you like with everything, Mr.
- Kolak.
Yeah.
Kolak.
Boy, this is really some office.
You should see the joint that I have to work in.
What do you do, Mr.
Kolak? I'm a writer.
You know, I've never seen painted furniture like that before in an office.
It's just terrific.
You got more of it back there? Uh, our computer's back there.
Oh.
It's not very aesthetic.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You use a camera in your writing? No.
No, it's just a hobby of mine.
No.
That's all.
And half the time, the darn thing doesn't even work.
Whoops! There she goes again.
See, it's just- What kind of writing do you do? Short stories or novels? Uh, yeah, both.
Yeah.
I'm an avid reader.
Any titles I might recognize? No.
No, I don't think so.
I don't have much of a readership here in the States.
My publisher thinks my stories are much too bizarre.
Like the one I wrote about young people who were being turned into crones in a minute.
- Just like that, they're dead.
- It's unusual, at any rate.
You've got an unusual job here.
How'd you get this kind of a job? - It was a fluke.
- I love flukes! I've written some of my best stories about flukes.
I hate to be rude, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to go.
For some reason, around this time of day, I get very tired.
Yeah, but- Nice talking to you, Mr.
Kolak.
Yeah, yeah, but you haven't told me about the Olympians.
Maybe next ti- After my enlightening conversation with the beautiful Helen Surtees, I ran a check through tax records and business licenses.
The Max Match dating service was almost brand-spanking new.
No one knew where it came from or what other branches it had.
It seemed to me that such mysterious origins warranted what we in the press call "the midnight interview.
'" Hecate- Rene Michele, first-grade teacher, was anticipating an exciting evening arranged for her by the Max Match Corporation.
But her kids had worn her out that day, making her feel older than her 23 years.
Rene had opted for a nap before getting dressed.
Rene never heard her alarm.
She never awoke from her nap.
The next day, Rene's class would have a substitute teacher.
I don't get it.
Your hunch was right about it being Greek, but it's ancient Greek- a prayer for a sacrifice to Hecate, the goddess of youth.
What kind of a sacrifice? What kind of sacrifice? All that mattered was that they be physically perfect.
Oh.
So this Hecate had pretty high standards, right? All the Greek gods were easily offended.
Everything had to be absolutely perfect, just right.
As if it came out of a computer, right? I think this is the sacrificer right here.
Here.
The most beautiful woman in the world.
The face that launched a thousand ships, Helen ofTroy.
That's Helen Surtees.
She runs the Mix Match - Max Match computer company.
What are you talking about? Yeah.
She resembles every statue of Helen I've ever seen.
I'd give everything to get next to that.
I think that's the deal- everything.
You know, every time I talk about the classics, I wish I was back in college teaching again.
But there were all those beautiful girl students.
I could never keep my head on straight.
Well, anyway, Helen was half mortal.
She was a demigoddess, and she'd made a deal with Hecate.
The Randolph, please.
No, I'm sorry, Jack.
This cab's taken.
No hurry.
I got a hangover that could kill a buffalo.
Conventions are murder.
Yeah, I can tell, yeah.
Helen's deal with Hecate was for eternal youth, right? That's the story.
Hey, you got her number? I wound up with a real bowwow last night.
You are referring to my sister! Oh, I can see she's a lovely lady.
Suppose something went wrong with the sacrifices.
What happened? The wrath of the gods.
A shepherd once put up a sick lamb for a sacrifice to Diana.
Yeah? She turned him to stone.
Stone? That's right.
Stoned? Who's getting stoned? Who's this Diana? Listen, can't you let me in on any of this action, huh? Kaz, were the sacrifices to Hecate prepared in any special way? No.
Nothing elaborate.
They were always marked with some kind of medallion or ornamentation of some kind.
Ornamentation? You mean like a ring? Sure.
Look, when I said I'm in no hurry, I didn't mean we should spend the day here.
Hey, why don't you take another cab? Who do you think you're talking to, cabbie? I am the president of my own feed company.
I flew here first class.
I'm staying at the Randolph, the biggest hotel in the world.
Twenty-four hundred rooms.
Hey, sport, you are not staying at the biggest hotel in the world.
The Hotel Rossiya in Moscow has 3,200 rooms, and your hotel's nothing.
Who counts Communists? All right.
Come on, Kaz.
Let's get this thing off, huh? Yeah.
Mayonnaise? It's an old Greek remedy.
Nothing greasier under the sun.
Mayonnaise? Yeah.
I had a kid get his head stuck out in that iron-rail fence of mine out front there.
Stuck a little mayonnaise on his cheeks, and he popped right out of there.
Yeah.
Will somebody answer the telephone, please? Ron, are you so busy? It's for you.
It's for you.
Huh? Excuse me, Kaz.
Hello? Hello, Mr.
Kolchak.
Bella Sarkof.
And how are you tonight? - I'm very busy.
- And I'm not? I've been working like a beaver to find you a girl.
Her name is Natalie Kravarik, a dental assistant, Bella- Bella, I don't want a girl.
I don't need your services.
- Well, good night, Carl.
- You don't need my services.
Robert Redford you are all of a sudden? - Good night, Emily.
- Emily? Who's Emily? Good night, Mr.
Vincenzo.
Don't worry, Bella! Good night, Miss Emily.
I've got somebody else for you! He's a police sergeant, unmarried and young.
Oh, hey, that's a find.
A wonderful mate.
They're eligible for pensions.
Good night, Mr.
Vincenzo.
Yeah.
Yeah, his name is Sergeant Orkin.
You can call him at the 12th Precinct.
He's lonely, new in town, and he's just right for Natalie.
You're telling me my job already? If not Natalie, maybe someone else.
Oh, when I get hold of one like him, I sink my teeth in, and I don't let go until rings are exchanged.
D- Don't talk to me about rings.
Carl! Not now, Tony.
Not now.
I'll talk to you tomorrow morning about that singles assignment.
I got problems now.
Eh.
I don't know what to do with that.
Is there any other way we can break Helen's spell? Yeah.
There is one way.
Kolchak! Not now, Tony.
Now, Carl, please! Please? Tony? Tony, are you all right? Where are you? Over here.
- What are you doing there? - Help me up, will you? Tony, you called me in here to show me how you practice your yoga? - Carl, help me get up! - Why don't you start with a beginner's position, something simple? - This is the beginner's position! - Oh.
Here.
I'm sorry about that, Tony.
Here, try this hand.
What do you got on your hand? Mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise? Yeah.
Look at that.
They left work with all the lights on.
All right.
What's the story? Carl, did I hear you say you're gonna discuss the singles feature tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow.
Yeah.
Tomorrow is Friday.
That's when it's due in New York.
Well, the story is all finished.
It just needs a little polishing in the morning, and I'll send it right off.
Come on, Kaz.
Well, the priests were very powerful.
Uh-huh.
Their enemies had to destroy the temple in order to make them powerless.
- Destroy the temple.
- Do you mind if I read the copy? After all, I am the bureau chief.
Yes, absolutely, Tony.
Absolutely.
Tomorrow morning, first thing, I'll spitball a few ideas at you.
Spitballing a few ideas is when you start a feature, not when you're polishing it.
No, that's the way I work.
I spit and polish at the same time.
Thanks, Kaz.
I owe you.
Hey, I didn't say that destroying the temple was gonna work.
Destroy the temple? Destroy what temple? Kolchak, come back here! What temple are you gonna destroy? Kolchak! What- What temple is he gonna destroy? What is he gonna- Hey, who are you? That's pretty strenuous exercise for a man your age, isn't it? It's pretty strenuous exercise for a man any age.
You've ruined some very expensive statues.
Museum quality.
And what did it get you? Well, your temple's ruined.
According to Kaz, Hecate ought to be destroying you about now.
I don't think you're qualified to speak for Hecate.
It's you she'll destroy.
You had the stupidity to put on that ring.
Imagine the feeling when your heart ages decades in a matter of seconds and finally jams up like an old clock.
Well, how can Hecate accept me? I mean, I'm not a perfect sacrifice.
Far from it.
As I said before, I don't think you're qualified to speak for the gods.
As a matter of fact, I'm not the first imperfect offering you've made.
Did you know that William Cubby wore this? It's a glass eye.
- You're lying.
- No.
No, I'm not lying, but I think Willy Cubby was.
See, he didn't say anything to you at all, huh? Ha-ha! You made fools of the gods! Hecate! Hecate! I took some pictures, but it seemed pointless.
The destruction of the room would be labeled vandalism or a faulty sprinkler system.
I don't need any photographs of Helen.
You see, she would always be as she always was- cold and beautiful and unchanging.
Uh- Oh, as a postscript, I offer this bit of advice.
Should you ever find a ring, no matter how pretty or valuable, consider well before you slip it on your finger.
You may never get it off again.
Halting the relentless process of aging has been a constant dream of man's and woman's.
Hecate- Eternal youth- Is it really a dream, or is it possible that somewhere someone found the secret? The following experience gave me a new attitude on the whole subject of youth and aging.
September 20, 8:05 p.
m.
William Cubby, age 22, deeply concerned with retaining his youthful vigor, his trim physique.
This concern had made him a dedicatedjogger.
Cubby would never know if thejogging really helped.
He was the first in a series of Chicagoans Who were spared the ordeal of seeing their youth slip away, slowly.
See what can happen with all this emphasis on staying young? Poor old fool.
What's so unusual about a man of 90 having a heart attack and dying? He was jogging.
Jogging! I'll be happy if I can bend down and tie my shoelaces when I'm 90.
If you take better care of yourself, with the proper food and exercise, you should be able to do everything at 90 that you could do at 19.
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning, Mr.
Vincenzo.
What a lovely morning today.
Yeah.
- You notice anything different about me today? Anything different? - Different? Yes.
I lost five pounds.
Exercise, yoga 45 minutes a day, and I skip breakfast.
- Have we run out of things to do around here? - No.
You are working on the swinging singles update, Carl, right? Yeah, yeah, that's right.
What have you come up with so far? Uh, listen, there have been a lot of changes in the last 10 years in the dating scene.
That was the reason for the update.
You will have it on my desk by Friday, won't you? - Friday.
Right.
- Fine.
Uh, that's just a rough draft.
Tony, I've got here a very nice French, caramel-covered doughnut.
You can have it for breakfast.
I won't tell anybody.
This fellow would have never reached 90 eating stuff like that.
Yeah, but look what he died from- exercise.
Carl- Now, Tony, that is a rough draft.
You understand? I understand.
I'm just blocking it out- I'm just gonna glance at it.
That's all.
Well, it's, uh- It's very rough.
What's that? - That's for colds and flu.
- What's the other one? - That's vitamin "E.
" - What's that for? You know, Tony, there was something very peculiar about that oldjogger.
This is quite good, Carl.
I will get the rest of it on Friday? - He was jogging along the River Road- - Carl, forget about that fella.
Nobody cares about 90-year-old people! Tony- Carl, this is a youth-oriented culture.
Their music, clothing styles, language- That's where it is news-wise at this point in time.
But that body had no I.
D.
On it.
I mean, it had no social security.
It had no Medicaid, Medicare.
It had nothing.
Carl, look, last week on theJohnny Carson show, they had an Indian, 110 years old.
He wore this feathered war bonnet, and he was doing push-ups, and it was dull.
I get the point, Tony.
I get the point.
I hope so.
It's, uh- It's just that along that particular strip along the River Road means that that old jogger had to run for four miles.
I mean, a 90-year-old man.
Lfhe had drove to River Road, they'd have found his car by now.
And if somebody dropped him off down there, whoever it was would've come down to claim the body by now.
But you're right, Tony.
Who cares? Nobody cares.
New York wants that swinging singles feature.
It wants it light, perceptive, full of insight and by Friday! Right, right, right.
I get it, Tony.
Right.
Ca- The most conservative newspaper in Chicago has a classified column headed "Social Clubs.
'" The ads offer computer matching, astrological mating, but it all boils down to a simple need.
You want a girl, right? No, not exactly.
What I really wanna know is how it all works.
I find you the girl of your dreams is how it works.
And then what happens? Magic, love, maybe even friendship.
Uh, here, take one of these cards and fill it out, and we'll get started.
Uh-huh.
Well, can I think about it? What's to think about? Oh, now, don't be nervous.
Why, I take care of everything.
Now, uh, generally, you meet the girl right here, usually- come and sit down- usually with her relatives, and we have a nice cup of tea.
Come and sit down.
Yeah, all right, all right.
And it's very informal.
Um, is there something you wanted to tell me? Uh- Something you're ashamed of? No.
You see, I'm a newspaper reporter.
Well, that's not so bad.
I'll find you a girl anyway.
No, I don't want a girl.
See, I'm looking for an angle for a story I'm writing on the singles scene.
You mean you're wasting my time for nothing? I chose you because I think you've got the whole picture.
I mean, the whole schmear.
Besides that, I've got a very tough editor, and I've got a very short deadline.
Are you married? Me? No.
What's your biggest competitor? Oh, singles apartments, singles bars, computer matching.
Oh? - Have you ever been married? - No.
Never, never, never.
Uh-huh.
Computer matching.
I thought that went out with love beads.
Well, I watched a lot of them fold up, but there's still a few left.
- What's the biggest one? - Max Match.
- Max- - Oh, these people.
They're only concerned about youth and physical beauty.
- Egomaniacs trying to hook up with each other.
- Yeah.
I mean, charm, steady work, sincerity- These things don't count for anything.
- Uh, you have a good job? - Yeah, it's all right.
What are your hobbies? None.
I'm too busy.
I work all the time.
Oh, good.
That means you're ambitious.
Oh, I've got a lot of nice girls for you to meet.
What? What are you doing there? What do you got? No, Bella.
You got the wrong idea.
No, I'm- I'm not in the market for a wife.
Me, married? That's ridiculous.
No, thanks.
Thanks a lot, Bella, but I've gotta go to work.
Oh, good.
Business does come first.
Don't worry.
I'll be in touch.
Yeah.
Newspaperman.
Author.
September 21, 8:13 p.
m.
Cynthia Tibbs, young and beautiful and determined to stay that way, was performing her nightly exercise.
Cynthia's concern over aging was more real than she would ever know.
September 22, 10:00 a.
m.
I had spent the night hitting singles bars, hearing all about biorhythms, Harvey Wallbangers, rugby, tuned exhausts and, of course, sex.
I got enough to write that part of my feature.
Singles apartments were up for the next day, and I found they came in all sizes in varying degrees of exclusivity.
I decided to start at the top.
This way.
May I have that, please? Oh, yes, of course.
I was just looking for someone in authority to give it to.
Mmm.
Thank you.
What did the medical examiner say? May I ask who you are? Yes, of course.
See, Kolchak, I.
N.
S.
You're Kolchak? Yeah, that's right.
You're the one the precinct captains are always talking about? What do they say? That you're a pinwheel.
That's because those idiots don't know - I don't accept other people's judgments.
I make my own evaluations.
Are you sure that you work on the Chicago Police Department and not for some independent agency I don't know anything about? Uh, Chicago P.
D.
, Sergeant Orkin.
I like to think I understand the value of the news media.
I feel the police and press should work in concert.
Well, where you been all my life? In Edgewood, out in the boonies.
My first case is a hundred-year-old Jane Doe, in a singles playground, dressed in a body stocking.
Uh-huh.
Why would she wear a ring that was so loose it falls off her finger? When my grandmother hit 80, she insisted on wearing her stockings over her shoes.
Sometimes they get that way.
They do, huh? Yeah.
Miss Tibbs? Just a minute.
Take a look around the bedroom.
What's the party's name? Cynthia Tibbs, a professional convention hostess.
Beautiful girl.
Is she at work now? I guess, or she's sleeping out these days.
Uh-huh.
She went away and just left this sliding door wide open? Why not? Who's gonna rob her up here on the third floor? Besides, this is a security building.
Uh-huh.
Miss Tibbs mention anything to you about having a relative staying? Mother, grandmother, aunt? No, no.
No sign of an older woman's clothes and no suitcases.
What's this doing on? She probably left that on so people would think someone was home.
I do the same thing, in case of robbery.
I thought this was a security building.
This is the last apartment.
I don't know how the old girl got where she got, but she didn't take a gainer off one of these balconies.
Has anybody been in to identify him? Nope.
What about the old lady they brought in today? Are you kidding? Read the coroner's report.
Puts them both at about 100 years old.
Yeah.
Nobody comes in to identify people that age.
You know, he must have lived a rich full life to have hung on to such a ripe old age.
Mmm.
Yeah.
It says on here the cause of death was heart failure.
What about the old lady? Same.
Do you mind if I lower the sheet? My arms are getting tired.
Wait.
There's a mark on his finger.
It looks like a ring mark.
Do you got the ring? It may be in the personal belongings box.
Personal belongings box.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
"11684.
" Uh, how much, Gordy? Not this time.
You're always down in the morgue asking special favors.
No, I always pay.
You promise money, but you never come through.
No, you got me mixed up with somebody else.
How about five bucks? Nope.
We morgue attendants are always getting burned by you.
We talked it over, and we want a portable TV for when things are slow.
Color.
A color television set? Are you out of your mind? I don't have that kind of money.
By the way, that glass peeper belongs to the old man.
Why wasn't it in the autopsy report? The pathologists don't bother doing full workups with real old people.
I mean, everything's wrong with them.
It goes in the belongings box.
Listen, Gordy, I've got to get in that box.
Come on.
You know I can't afford a television set.
Aw, how much can it cost ya? Well, black and white? Color.
Black and white.
Eighteen-inch screen? Used.
It's a deal.
All right.
That's the glass eye.
Glass eye.
Right.
Okay.
Jogging trousers.
Shoes.
Shoes.
He had big feet, huh? This is his jacket.
Down here- What's this? A key.
Uh-huh.
Where's the ring? There's no ring in here.
Where is it? Well, either he wasn't wearing it when he died, or it fell off.
No one here took it.
Nothing gets you fired so fast.
Yeah, all right.
Concerning your television set- Please, please, no threats.
N- We made a deal, and I let you look in the box.
Is it my fault if the ring isn't in there? Well, uh- Now, I think the TV'll go right there.
Uh-huh.
And if I'm not watching Let's Make a Deal by the end of next week, there'll be no more deals down here.
Yes, sir.
If Monty Hall can't liven this place up, there's no hope.
Thanks a lot, Gordy.
You there, there's no parking along this stretch of the road.
What do you got there? What do you got there? Huh? Oh.
Uh- A four-leaf clover.
Yes? Send him in.
Come in.
Well, this is nice, really.
It's comfortable for me.
May I call you Lance? Sure.
That'd be terrific.
The computer was right.
You're charming.
Yeah.
Sit down.
Max Match is very exclusive in itself, Lance, but within the general membership there are superior people.
Truly superior in every respect.
- The computer picks them out.
It picked you.
This means that you will be matched with the most beautiful people in Chicago.
- You will be a member of the Olympians.
- Is it expensive? No, there's no charge.
It's an indulgence of mine.
You see, beauty and youth are the most important things in the world to me.
I have to ask you a question.
It's very important.
Was everything on your application truthful? I mean, do you have any physical imperfections? - No, none at all.
- But there is something.
Well, my name really isn't Lance Mervin.
I changed it legally.
Well, that doesn't matter.
The name you picked suits you very well.
- Thank you.
- This makes you an Olympian.
Congratulations.
Now all the gods and goddesses will know who you are.
And this scroll makes it official.
- When does the action start? - Oh, tonight.
Well, I don't like what you're doing, Irvin.
Mother, can't you call me Lance? No.
You were Irvin when I was in labor.
You were Irvin when I fed you with my breast.
You'll always be Irvin for me.
I know.
What kind of a name is Lance for a cost accountant? That's the idea.
I'm trying to get my identity crisis together.
What? I want to change my image.
I don't understand that.
And I don't understand you using a machine either to pick some person you could spend your whole life with.
Are you listening to me? Or maybe you're thinking just of tonight.
I'd like to see the kind of girl you asked for.
I asked for a girl just like you.
Wash your hands.
Mmm.
Some kind of lady you're meeting in those short pants, Irvin.
These are tennis shorts.
It's what you wear on a tennis date.
Mm-hmm.
Call me Lance.
Don't be out late, Irvin! The key I had pilfered was stamped with the number 118 "E.
'" "E'"what? It took some footwork on my part, But I found a building on Akron Street that matched the number.
Wrong floor.
I'm downstairs.
Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Phew.
"William Cubby.
Max Match Corporation.
" The occupant's name was William Cubby, and whatever he was now, he had been considered a very special single by Max Match just a few days ago.
The scroll welcomed him into the inner circle of the super-beautiful- the perfect people.
But perhaps Cubby wasn't perfect.
Oh.
Indeed, it seemed that William Cubby wasn't perfect at all.
And Irvin, a.
k.
a.
Lance? He would never again be concerned about his image.
His mother was right.
Lance's appointment had indeed been with a different kind oflady.
Yeah, that's right.
And, of course, I thought about you immediately- about what you said about wanting to work in concert with the press, with me.
I said that? Yeah.
Well, here's our opportunity.
You can provide me with the proof that I need.
Uh, proof- Proof a hundred-year-old jogger is actually a that the two men are one and the same? Yeah, that's right.
I know what you're thinking.
Uh-huh.
You're thinking, why should I supply him with proof? - What's in it for me, right? - Right.
Why did you transfer here from Wedgewood? - Edgewood.
- Right.
Why did you make the move? It was for excitement and thrills and advancement, right? Okay, now picture this.
Picture yourself walking right into your captain's office, and you tell him that you got this case licked- that all these old people, who are embarrassing everybody in the department- everybody else- by dropping dead all over the place aren't really old people after all.
They're really a bunch of virile, supple swingers! - You are a pinwheel.
- What? When I came back that first day and told the captain you weren't such a bad guy, he almost busted a gut, finally had to go to the men's room.
Look here.
They stuck this in my coffee mug.
"A pinwheel for a pinhead.
" Well, I wouldn't pay any attention to that.
They're always kidding, those guys.
Now the old man in the morgue had a glass eye- blue- and so did William Cubby.
It was marked right down on his driver's license.
Here it is.
Here it is.
There's the spare blue eye.
See? - Our case rests on a glass eye? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
It kept nagging me.
You see, something was wrong with the driver's license.
- And sure enough, there it was- artificial eye.
- Let me get this straight.
You want me to go to the captain and tell him I've licked the case with a glass eye? People aging a lifetime overnight? No.
You see, the door key that was found on the old man fit Cubby's apartment.
Now what you have to do is you have to see if Cubby ever had his fingerprints taken.
Then you take those fingerprints, you go down to the lab, and you lift the prints off the old man down there and compare the two of them.
And if you do, that's our proof! That's all the proof that I need- you need-we need.
I can just see the print boys' faces when I tell them why I want the work.
Hey, what key the old man had? How'd you get this? Did you take personal belongings out of the morgue? Would I do a thing like that? You robbed our Cook County Morgue? Well, Sergeant, you know, it isn't a shrine.
- It's just a morgue.
- Get out.
- There was an- - I said, get out.
But I thought we were gonna work in concert together.
Concert.
When I start waving my baton, it'll be over your head.
- Well, if that's the way you feel about it.
- Here.
And take this with you.
How about it? Have you seen Cynthia Tibbs? Nothing.
Like I told you police before, that's her lifestyle.
You know, in and out, come and go.
She's probably here in the building, in another apartment.
For two whole days? I guess you haven't been single for a few years.
I was never that single.
What's that, some kind of clue? "This is to certify Cynthia Tibbs has been selected by the Max Match Corporation.
" Looks like she was some kind of a member of, uh, some kind of a society at the Max Match Corporation.
Uh, miss? Would you fill these out, please? Sure.
Uh, miss, could I have- What's all this medical background? Scars and operations? They really get personal.
That's the idea.
It makes it exclusive.
- I like it that way.
- Under partner preference, I'm gonna put down vegetarian, Sagittarius, on the cusp.
- What do you think? - I'll take any chick who's on a macrobiotic diet, who's into Tantric yoga.
What ever happened to the girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad? It's a song.
Miss- Would you follow me, please? Right this way.
Are you being helped? No, and, uh, I'm being ignored.
I'd like to know why.
What can I do for you? I would think the first thing I do is fill out one of those application forms.
I'm sorry, but- Linda, I'll see the gentleman.
Wowee! Looks like a boudoir.
I'm sorry.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
You see, we only accept people under 30.
Uh-huh.
Is that for your general membership, or is that restricted to the special group that you call the Olympians? Now, why would an attractive man like you be here? - I wanna be an Olympian.
- You don't need us.
You're very male.
You have the confidence to dress as you like, and, I suspect, do as you like with everything, Mr.
- Kolak.
Yeah.
Kolak.
Boy, this is really some office.
You should see the joint that I have to work in.
What do you do, Mr.
Kolak? I'm a writer.
You know, I've never seen painted furniture like that before in an office.
It's just terrific.
You got more of it back there? Uh, our computer's back there.
Oh.
It's not very aesthetic.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You use a camera in your writing? No.
No, it's just a hobby of mine.
No.
That's all.
And half the time, the darn thing doesn't even work.
Whoops! There she goes again.
See, it's just- What kind of writing do you do? Short stories or novels? Uh, yeah, both.
Yeah.
I'm an avid reader.
Any titles I might recognize? No.
No, I don't think so.
I don't have much of a readership here in the States.
My publisher thinks my stories are much too bizarre.
Like the one I wrote about young people who were being turned into crones in a minute.
- Just like that, they're dead.
- It's unusual, at any rate.
You've got an unusual job here.
How'd you get this kind of a job? - It was a fluke.
- I love flukes! I've written some of my best stories about flukes.
I hate to be rude, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to go.
For some reason, around this time of day, I get very tired.
Yeah, but- Nice talking to you, Mr.
Kolak.
Yeah, yeah, but you haven't told me about the Olympians.
Maybe next ti- After my enlightening conversation with the beautiful Helen Surtees, I ran a check through tax records and business licenses.
The Max Match dating service was almost brand-spanking new.
No one knew where it came from or what other branches it had.
It seemed to me that such mysterious origins warranted what we in the press call "the midnight interview.
'" Hecate- Rene Michele, first-grade teacher, was anticipating an exciting evening arranged for her by the Max Match Corporation.
But her kids had worn her out that day, making her feel older than her 23 years.
Rene had opted for a nap before getting dressed.
Rene never heard her alarm.
She never awoke from her nap.
The next day, Rene's class would have a substitute teacher.
I don't get it.
Your hunch was right about it being Greek, but it's ancient Greek- a prayer for a sacrifice to Hecate, the goddess of youth.
What kind of a sacrifice? What kind of sacrifice? All that mattered was that they be physically perfect.
Oh.
So this Hecate had pretty high standards, right? All the Greek gods were easily offended.
Everything had to be absolutely perfect, just right.
As if it came out of a computer, right? I think this is the sacrificer right here.
Here.
The most beautiful woman in the world.
The face that launched a thousand ships, Helen ofTroy.
That's Helen Surtees.
She runs the Mix Match - Max Match computer company.
What are you talking about? Yeah.
She resembles every statue of Helen I've ever seen.
I'd give everything to get next to that.
I think that's the deal- everything.
You know, every time I talk about the classics, I wish I was back in college teaching again.
But there were all those beautiful girl students.
I could never keep my head on straight.
Well, anyway, Helen was half mortal.
She was a demigoddess, and she'd made a deal with Hecate.
The Randolph, please.
No, I'm sorry, Jack.
This cab's taken.
No hurry.
I got a hangover that could kill a buffalo.
Conventions are murder.
Yeah, I can tell, yeah.
Helen's deal with Hecate was for eternal youth, right? That's the story.
Hey, you got her number? I wound up with a real bowwow last night.
You are referring to my sister! Oh, I can see she's a lovely lady.
Suppose something went wrong with the sacrifices.
What happened? The wrath of the gods.
A shepherd once put up a sick lamb for a sacrifice to Diana.
Yeah? She turned him to stone.
Stone? That's right.
Stoned? Who's getting stoned? Who's this Diana? Listen, can't you let me in on any of this action, huh? Kaz, were the sacrifices to Hecate prepared in any special way? No.
Nothing elaborate.
They were always marked with some kind of medallion or ornamentation of some kind.
Ornamentation? You mean like a ring? Sure.
Look, when I said I'm in no hurry, I didn't mean we should spend the day here.
Hey, why don't you take another cab? Who do you think you're talking to, cabbie? I am the president of my own feed company.
I flew here first class.
I'm staying at the Randolph, the biggest hotel in the world.
Twenty-four hundred rooms.
Hey, sport, you are not staying at the biggest hotel in the world.
The Hotel Rossiya in Moscow has 3,200 rooms, and your hotel's nothing.
Who counts Communists? All right.
Come on, Kaz.
Let's get this thing off, huh? Yeah.
Mayonnaise? It's an old Greek remedy.
Nothing greasier under the sun.
Mayonnaise? Yeah.
I had a kid get his head stuck out in that iron-rail fence of mine out front there.
Stuck a little mayonnaise on his cheeks, and he popped right out of there.
Yeah.
Will somebody answer the telephone, please? Ron, are you so busy? It's for you.
It's for you.
Huh? Excuse me, Kaz.
Hello? Hello, Mr.
Kolchak.
Bella Sarkof.
And how are you tonight? - I'm very busy.
- And I'm not? I've been working like a beaver to find you a girl.
Her name is Natalie Kravarik, a dental assistant, Bella- Bella, I don't want a girl.
I don't need your services.
- Well, good night, Carl.
- You don't need my services.
Robert Redford you are all of a sudden? - Good night, Emily.
- Emily? Who's Emily? Good night, Mr.
Vincenzo.
Don't worry, Bella! Good night, Miss Emily.
I've got somebody else for you! He's a police sergeant, unmarried and young.
Oh, hey, that's a find.
A wonderful mate.
They're eligible for pensions.
Good night, Mr.
Vincenzo.
Yeah.
Yeah, his name is Sergeant Orkin.
You can call him at the 12th Precinct.
He's lonely, new in town, and he's just right for Natalie.
You're telling me my job already? If not Natalie, maybe someone else.
Oh, when I get hold of one like him, I sink my teeth in, and I don't let go until rings are exchanged.
D- Don't talk to me about rings.
Carl! Not now, Tony.
Not now.
I'll talk to you tomorrow morning about that singles assignment.
I got problems now.
Eh.
I don't know what to do with that.
Is there any other way we can break Helen's spell? Yeah.
There is one way.
Kolchak! Not now, Tony.
Now, Carl, please! Please? Tony? Tony, are you all right? Where are you? Over here.
- What are you doing there? - Help me up, will you? Tony, you called me in here to show me how you practice your yoga? - Carl, help me get up! - Why don't you start with a beginner's position, something simple? - This is the beginner's position! - Oh.
Here.
I'm sorry about that, Tony.
Here, try this hand.
What do you got on your hand? Mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise? Yeah.
Look at that.
They left work with all the lights on.
All right.
What's the story? Carl, did I hear you say you're gonna discuss the singles feature tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow.
Yeah.
Tomorrow is Friday.
That's when it's due in New York.
Well, the story is all finished.
It just needs a little polishing in the morning, and I'll send it right off.
Come on, Kaz.
Well, the priests were very powerful.
Uh-huh.
Their enemies had to destroy the temple in order to make them powerless.
- Destroy the temple.
- Do you mind if I read the copy? After all, I am the bureau chief.
Yes, absolutely, Tony.
Absolutely.
Tomorrow morning, first thing, I'll spitball a few ideas at you.
Spitballing a few ideas is when you start a feature, not when you're polishing it.
No, that's the way I work.
I spit and polish at the same time.
Thanks, Kaz.
I owe you.
Hey, I didn't say that destroying the temple was gonna work.
Destroy the temple? Destroy what temple? Kolchak, come back here! What temple are you gonna destroy? Kolchak! What- What temple is he gonna destroy? What is he gonna- Hey, who are you? That's pretty strenuous exercise for a man your age, isn't it? It's pretty strenuous exercise for a man any age.
You've ruined some very expensive statues.
Museum quality.
And what did it get you? Well, your temple's ruined.
According to Kaz, Hecate ought to be destroying you about now.
I don't think you're qualified to speak for Hecate.
It's you she'll destroy.
You had the stupidity to put on that ring.
Imagine the feeling when your heart ages decades in a matter of seconds and finally jams up like an old clock.
Well, how can Hecate accept me? I mean, I'm not a perfect sacrifice.
Far from it.
As I said before, I don't think you're qualified to speak for the gods.
As a matter of fact, I'm not the first imperfect offering you've made.
Did you know that William Cubby wore this? It's a glass eye.
- You're lying.
- No.
No, I'm not lying, but I think Willy Cubby was.
See, he didn't say anything to you at all, huh? Ha-ha! You made fools of the gods! Hecate! Hecate! I took some pictures, but it seemed pointless.
The destruction of the room would be labeled vandalism or a faulty sprinkler system.
I don't need any photographs of Helen.
You see, she would always be as she always was- cold and beautiful and unchanging.
Uh- Oh, as a postscript, I offer this bit of advice.
Should you ever find a ring, no matter how pretty or valuable, consider well before you slip it on your finger.
You may never get it off again.