Melissa & Joey s01e19 Episode Script
Auction Hero
Thanks to a certain city councilperson Me, Christmas comes early this year.
Three new electric buses for the city of Toledo.
Not only are they green, but they also have that new bus smell.
Where are the kids? They know I like a little applause when I get home.
Big school project.
Ryder is upstairs bagging up old bedding to send to Haiti, Lennox is out in the neighborhood collecting shoes to send to Haiti and I am stuffing envelopes asking for clothes to send to Haiti.
It's all about to Haiti.
Don't leave me out.
What can I do for Haiti? Lick this.
I got it all covered.
I set up the phone tree, set up the collection points, even got the chick at the mail shop to donate free shipping.
- She digs me.
- She's 80.
Yeah, she's also very handsy.
These jeans, they're like catnip for her.
I also helped Ryder out with his American history project and I helped Lennox out with her science model.
What are you trying to be, a hero? No, I take care of everything in the home and you take care of the That is the division of labor in this house.
Yeah, but we could switch it up, you know? Like, say, sometime I could cook.
Okay, that sounded crazy even to me.
But I don't like feeling left out of the loop.
Tomorrow I am going to drive the kids to school and find out firsthand what's going on over at Grant High.
You'd better bring your bolt cutters if you wanna get in because tomorrow's Saturday.
I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue.
- It's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right as far as I can see - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right I guess you're stuck with me.
And that, my dear boy, is The Hustle.
All I said was, "I wonder if they still make vinyl records?" I don't think either one of us deserved to go through that.
Well That was the most supremely crappy day of my life.
Oh, what was it, honey? A zit or a cramp or a guy ignored you? 'Cause I had all three.
Okay, can we stay on me? Because I got a "D".
My English teacher Mr.
Skimpole gave it to me.
He is such a colossal tool.
Lennox, it's disrespectful to call your teacher a tool.
No, it's a known fact.
He's the tool that the other tools make fun of.
The assignment was to write a sample chapter for a novel and Mr.
Skimpole eviscerated mine.
He said there is no way it could be turned into a 200-page novel.
He said I have no sense of character development or story structure.
- What kind of an educator is that? - The tool kind.
And I told him it could so be a novel - and I could write it too.
- Absolutely.
You need to stand up to nay sayers like that.
When I was gonna run for city council, they told me I was too young, I was too green, I was too blonde.
- But did you show them, Aunt Mel? - Oh, but I showed them.
Yeah, and you can show that tool Mr.
Skimpole.
Hell yeah.
I'm gonna write that novel.
I have, like, a whole week and a half.
A week and a what? A week and a half until the grading period ends.
I mean if I turn in an entire brilliant novel, he'll have to change my grade.
- I'm gonna get started.
- Attagirl.
Wow, 10 days to write a whole novel? - She's out of her mind.
- I know, it's gonna be great.
Hey, you're a big fan of my tri-tip, right? - Oh, I love it.
- That's good to know.
I didn't make any of that tonight.
What I do have is leftover fried chicken from last night you could reheat, okay? I gotta get to a booster club meeting.
Whoa, booster club? At the high school? I'll go.
I mean, let me give you a break from all this kid-related activity.
No, you know, these parent volunteer meetings can be very tricky.
I've already sort of established my position in the pack.
You're gonna be like fresh meat to these booster ladies-- you know, sort of like a lame zebra at a watering hole.
Please, I'm in politics.
You think I'm intimidated by the high school booster club? Sorry I'm late.
Did you know all the gates at night are locked except one? Well, of course you do.
You're boosters.
Sorry.
Just go ahead.
Don't let me-- ooh, sorry-- interrupt you.
Too late for that.
Who are you? Mel Burke.
Excuse me.
Lennox and Ryder Scanlon's aunt.
Well, you may know me better as councilperson Mel Burke.
Yeah, you know, "Make Toledo work with Burke"? - Joey Longo is my nanny.
- Oh! He couldn't make it, so I'm here instead.
- Aw! - Joe's not coming? We love Joe.
He promised to bring his famous tiramisu.
Oh, was that for you guys? I-- 'cause I didn't see it.
Okay, back to the agenda-- the annual fundraiser.
Auction items.
More ideas? I'm donating three sessions - with my brother the chiropractor.
- Yummy! And Evelyn, I remember you said you were donating six hours of home decorating consultation.
Yum-my! Oh, and Laura promised two lavish spa packages - at Les Visage Verts.
- Ooh! Mel Burke, councilperson, Seventh District.
I have an exclusive item I'd like to donate to the auction-- attend a hearing of the Toledo City Council as my VIP Guest.
Will you have a great time? Aye! Great.
Good to have some backup ideas.
- Okay, next item.
- You didn't write it on the board.
Okay, how do I put this nicely? Perhaps if you had been at a few meetings, you'd know what it is we're trying to do here.
Well, thanks for nicing it up for me.
So Gwyneth, what's this I hear about you offering up your condo for a weekend in Vail? Wow, a weekend in Vail? Double yum! Oh, good lord.
Yes? I have another item I'd like to donate.
Really? Is it as good as the last one? - I don't know how it could be.
- Oh! Well, imagine this-- the greatest night of your life.
Your house organized, your dinner gourmet, your children taken care of by the greatest nanny this side of Mary Poppins-- Joe Longo.
Oh! - You're donating Joe? - Yeah, I am.
Hmm, the best night of your life with Joe longo.
That's a yummy! I had no idea Joe was such a generous man.
Oh yeah, neither does he.
Well, look at that, the zebra limps home alive.
How'd it go? Oh, you know how those meetings are.
Everyone's got their matching Martha Stewart sticks up their butts and everyone's trying to outdo everybody else with what they're donating.
I was like, "how about the best night of your life with Joe Longo?" Everybody was like, "yummy!" Then there was this walnut ring that was not yummy.
Whoa, stop.
Wait a minute.
I know, a walnut ring is like the most horrible thing ever.
No no no.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You-- you volunteered to donate me? I don't even know which word in there to emphasize.
Well, all those ladies were treating me like a second-class citizen because I'm not technically a mom and I haven't technically been to any of their meetings.
And they were all like, "I'm donating an hour of microdermabrasion.
" "Well, I'm donating my condo in Vail.
" So essentially it was just a big uterus-measuring contest then.
I cannot believe this.
I let you go to one meeting-- Excuse me.
You let me go to a meeting? Come on, those booster club ladies thought a night with Joe Longo was the best idea ever! Because of you, Joe.
You know, you're amazing.
I mean your cooking is awesome.
And the way you are with the kids-- you have a gift, you know that? Don't try to butt kiss your way out of this.
Please, Joe? Come on, it's for a good cause.
- The school band needs instruments.
- Uniforms.
At least I knew it was something to do with the band.
- Oh my God.
- Come on! You have to go or I'll look like a nobody in front of all those booster bimbos.
I mean for the kids! Do it for the kids! Ladies and gentlemen, the auction will begin in five minutes.
Will you lighten up? I already thanked you, like, 1,000 times.
What else can I say? You're a saint for showing up for me.
That's me, Saint Joseph, patron Saint of people who should have gone to booster club meetings instead of you.
I'm only here to raise money for the school.
Ooh, a rumba.
Let's dance.
No, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to dance with my owner.
Ridiculous objective correlatives.
Overblown drivel.
Stupid garbage derivatives! - Lennox, what's up? You okay? - No.
Writing a novel in 10 days is a lot harder than I thought.
All you wrote is "a-h-h-h.
" Yeah, it's pronounced "ahhh!" I don't know who my characters are anymore.
I don't know who I am anymore.
No, Lennox, you cannot let Skimpole win.
I already told all my friends you're taking him down.
All of my street cred is riding on this.
Yeah well, how can I call myself a writer if I can't even organize a simple 200-page novel? You know, when I'm editing my digital films I use index cards.
All the great filmmakers use them-- Quentin Tarantino, Tyler Perry.
What you do is you take the scenes or plot points and you write them on a card and then put them on a bulletin board and move them around.
That's your advice? Write notes? Jot this down.
Get out! Wow, you're pretty mean for a desperate person.
I am not mean.
I am creatively constipated.
But you're still able to give me crap.
Ryder, come back.
And bring index cards.
Oh, and chocolate-- the good stuff that Aunt Mel hides.
And we're up to $75 for our day of beauty.
Do I hear $80? $80 once.
$80 twice.
$200! Going once, going twice, sold to bidder number 51.
- Oh.
- Congratulations.
She needs a day of beauty more than I do.
You see those Louis Vuitton bags under her eyes? We got a bunch of drink tickets when we came in here, didn't we? No, I've only got a couple.
Don't judge me, okay? They jacked the Chardonnay up to three tickets a pop.
And our next item, lot number 8: The best night of your life with Joe Longo.
Dinner and childcare with a nanny par excellence provided by Mel Burke.
- You provided me? - Joe Longo.
I gave her great material and she isn't using it.
- Come here.
- Wait, no.
I'm not going-- - I don't wanna-- - Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Hi hi.
I've got this.
All right.
- Oh! Hey, what the-- All right, let me tell you about Joe Longo, my nanny.
- I'm freelance.
- All right.
When you have Joe Longo in your home, you don't just have a gourmet chef, all right? You don't just have a handyman.
You don't just have a childcare expert.
You have a ballroom dance master who can also bench-press Can we show him some love, people? All right, now I wanna start the bidding on this impressive package at $150.
Do I have $150? $150, all right.
$200? Anybody? Come on, those paddles aren't just for playing ping-pong, people.
Come on, do you wanna be beat out by a gluten-free muffin basket? If your kids need help with math, Columbia MBA In da house.
He's not kidding around, people.
All right, do I hear $200, $200? All right.
$250? $250? Take your jacket off.
Strut your stuff.
- I'm not taking my jacket off.
- No, come on.
- All right, you do it.
- I'll take my jacket off.
$250! All right, do I hear $300? $300.
$350? Anyone? $350? $400.
$400.
$450? Come on, people, how bad do you want it? $1,000.
- $1,000? - Seriously? She said it.
Shut up.
No backsies.
All right, $1,000.
Going once, twice, sold to Trisha Atley-Singer! $1,000 smackeroos for the band instruments.
- Uniforms.
- Uniforms.
Whoo.
Did you see that? I just went for more than the condo in Vail.
Heh, once again Joe Longo brings in the cash.
I know.
Let them try to look down their noses at me now after I gave them the most desirable item in the auction.
Item? Now I'm an item? Yep.
So this is it.
You ready to provide the best night of your life to the Atley-Singer family? It's not gonna be the best night of my life.
I was just talking to one of the other booster moms.
You know what they told me? Trisha's got four kids.
- Yeah, little kids.
- So? You're great with kids.
You know, Ryder and Lennox? Well, Ryder and Lennox don't yell "wipe me" from the bathroom.
It's not gonna be a problem.
You'll be fabulous with the kids.
Just be prepared.
So what should I do? Bring some fingerpaints and a puzzle? Sure, and if that doesn't work, try a juice box filled with vodka.
Are you crazy? I'm not giving alcohol to kids.
Of course not.
The vodka's for you.
You bring duct tape for the kids.
You're gonna make a great mom someday.
- Well, hello, Joe Longo.
- Hey, Trish.
Oh, thank you.
So look, I stopped by the toy store on my way here.
I hope your kids like Ker Plunk.
Oh, would you believe it? I got my days mixed up.
This is the weekend the kids spend with their father.
Oh, okay.
So you have a date coming over or something? Because I'll just cook for you two.
Whatever's leftover you can just freeze for the kids.
Sorry to say, it's just me.
Oh.
Well, I hope you like Ker Plunk.
This is kind of a change.
So what's the plan? Well, let's start with dinner and then see where the night takes us.
These jeans are just deadly.
- Joe, is everything okay? - Yeah yeah, it's fine.
I was just, you know, calling to check in just to see if you were tired of it.
- Tired of what? - Being wrong.
You said tonight was gonna go great.
Why? Did something happen to the kids? Wouldn't know.
The kids aren't here.
Oh my God, did you lose them already? No, I did not lose the kids.
No, it's just me and Trish here in her love lair.
Apparently she thought the Joe Longo package includes Joe Longo's package.
What? Well, get out of there.
Oh, I see.
Now you care about what happens to me, huh? Joseph, it's just me and the pork loin over here.
And one of us needs a nice spicy rub.
She paid a lot of money for this.
I gotta go.
Joe.
Joe! Don't do it! The climax-- where is the climax? Oh okay! Martine discovers that her mother is in fact her father.
No no! That should come at the end of chapter 10.
It'll never work, Miss Scanlon.
Mr.
Skimpole? How did you get in here? Pfft, backstory.
Nobody cares.
And how would you know? You don't even have a gripping opening sentence.
That's not true.
I have many gripping sentences.
What, here? Or here? Certainly not here.
Face it, miss scanlon, you're a failure.
You'll never be a real writer, never.
What? No! But I have to.
Even your nightmare material is desperately banal.
- Oh! - Lennox? - Who were you talking to? - Mr.
Skimpole.
He was here.
Lennox, you have a cough drop in your hair.
I give up.
I can't do this.
No no.
No, Lennox, you are very talented and creative.
You just need a little help organizing.
So what happens first? Does Martine behead the vampire or do the skinny high school girls eat their classmates? I don't know.
Yes, you do, Lennox.
Dig deep.
Okay, uh, skinny girls and then the vampire.
Okay.
Oh my God, that works.
Ha, take that, Mr.
Skimpole.
Hey, thanks, Ryder.
Oh no, don't thank me.
Thank Tyler Perry.
Okay, dinner is all set.
Just needs to stay in the broiler for like 20 more minutes.
A lot can happen in 20 minutes.
Can I tempt you with some wine? No.
Nope, not for me, not while I'm working.
That's what I'm doing here tonight-- just doing my work.
Well, there is something I wondered if you could do for me Something I need a man for.
Would you change that light bulb for me? Look Trish, I'm gonna have to draw the line on the sand right here.
There's no way I'm gonna-- change the light bulb? Yes.
Absolutely, of course.
I'd love to do that, yeah.
This one.
All right.
You have a little stepladder or something? You can just stand on the chair.
You don't-- you don't-- okay.
Fine, sure.
Wow, look at you-- such animal grace.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Here, let me hold you so you don't fall.
- You've done this before.
- Mm, yeah.
But we can pretend it's my first time.
Oh, who could that be? I don't know, but I'm gonna light a candle for whoever that is.
- Mel Burke.
- Hi.
Mel! What are you doing here? - Yes, what is this all about? - Oh, quality control.
Just, you know, making sure my auction donation person is being enjoyed by the lucky lady who won it-- him.
Ah, great.
Come here.
Let me ask you something.
What the hell are you doing here? You're the one who called me in a panic.
I'm not in a panic.
I just called to make you feel bad.
Clearly I've done that, so I'll see you at home.
- Good night.
- Wait.
Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do with her? Why do you care? Because I don't want you to, you know, compromise your value as an auction item.
I thought I bought an evening with Joe Longo, not Joe Longo and his little keeper.
Hey, okay, it was a night with Joe Longo cooking and babysitting.
And if you try for anything that's gonna skank that up, he's out of here.
- Mel, what are you doing? - Okay well, if he leaves, I'll let the school know that you reneged on your donation.
You don't care about the school.
You're never there.
Frankly, I'll question your commitment.
What have you ever given Grant High? $1,100.
- What? - What? Yeah, you bid $1,000 for him.
I'm countering.
$1,100.
You can't restart the bidding, Mel.
- $1,200.
- Maybe you can.
- $1,300.
- $1,400.
These jeans are like magic.
- $1,500.
- $1,600.
- $2,000! - $2,000? It's been a while, huh, councilwoman? Congratulations.
You can have him.
Did you see that? I won.
I won! Yes, you won Joe Longo.
Congratulations.
You just spent $2,000 to have me do the job you're already paying me to do.
Not even a moment of joy from you, is there? Come on, you're making me smile.
Well, that evening went about as well as auctioning off human beings usually goes.
I said I'm sorry.
I just felt like I wasn't involved in all the school stuff you do.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
- Lennox? - Aunt Mel, I did it.
I had Ryder help me and I finished my novel.
And you told me I could do it and I did it.
Aw, good for you, sweetie.
- Now go upstairs and get some sleep.
- No no, I can't.
I gotta proofread this.
Otherwise Skimpole will win.
You see? I told you those kids need you, whether you know it or not.
I mean you really are an important influence in their lives - As chilling as that may be.
- I guess I am.
I mean, so what if you don't pack any of their lunches or take them to school or show up at their sporting events or volunteer to chaperone any of their school trips like the one coming up to Washington D.
C.
? I mean, you really are an important part of their lives.
Thanks.
There's a field trip to Washington D.
C.
? Yeah, it's been on the master calendar for like weeks.
Oh, okay.
There's a master calendar? Yeah, it's right here.
I keep everybody's schedule on it.
- See, you're the blue.
- Oh.
I'm blue? Then what are these five blue boxes in a row with the red xs in them? Hey! I gotta keep track of these things.
It affects the whole household.
- Oh, Joe - Don't even think about it.
What? I was just gonna say there's mustard on your shirt.
What? Well, I heard back from Mr.
Skimpole - about my novel today.
- Oh, are you okay? Do you want me to get the ice cream now so it's soft like you like it? Hey, Mel, before you go drowning your sorrows in ice cream soup, let's hear about what actually happened.
Go ahead.
Okay well, because I was so tired and Ryder was rushing to help me finish, we didn't actually get all the post-its out of the manuscript and some pages still had notes written in the margin.
Aw man.
Mr.
Skimpole thought the post-its were a bold stylist choice.
Quote, "The author's comments on her own work create an exciting postmodern vibe.
" I got an "A"! - Oh! - Whoo! - That's fantastic.
- I knew you could do it.
So, Lennox, tell us, what is your novel about? I don't explain my work.
Three new electric buses for the city of Toledo.
Not only are they green, but they also have that new bus smell.
Where are the kids? They know I like a little applause when I get home.
Big school project.
Ryder is upstairs bagging up old bedding to send to Haiti, Lennox is out in the neighborhood collecting shoes to send to Haiti and I am stuffing envelopes asking for clothes to send to Haiti.
It's all about to Haiti.
Don't leave me out.
What can I do for Haiti? Lick this.
I got it all covered.
I set up the phone tree, set up the collection points, even got the chick at the mail shop to donate free shipping.
- She digs me.
- She's 80.
Yeah, she's also very handsy.
These jeans, they're like catnip for her.
I also helped Ryder out with his American history project and I helped Lennox out with her science model.
What are you trying to be, a hero? No, I take care of everything in the home and you take care of the That is the division of labor in this house.
Yeah, but we could switch it up, you know? Like, say, sometime I could cook.
Okay, that sounded crazy even to me.
But I don't like feeling left out of the loop.
Tomorrow I am going to drive the kids to school and find out firsthand what's going on over at Grant High.
You'd better bring your bolt cutters if you wanna get in because tomorrow's Saturday.
I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue.
- It's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right as far as I can see - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right I guess you're stuck with me.
And that, my dear boy, is The Hustle.
All I said was, "I wonder if they still make vinyl records?" I don't think either one of us deserved to go through that.
Well That was the most supremely crappy day of my life.
Oh, what was it, honey? A zit or a cramp or a guy ignored you? 'Cause I had all three.
Okay, can we stay on me? Because I got a "D".
My English teacher Mr.
Skimpole gave it to me.
He is such a colossal tool.
Lennox, it's disrespectful to call your teacher a tool.
No, it's a known fact.
He's the tool that the other tools make fun of.
The assignment was to write a sample chapter for a novel and Mr.
Skimpole eviscerated mine.
He said there is no way it could be turned into a 200-page novel.
He said I have no sense of character development or story structure.
- What kind of an educator is that? - The tool kind.
And I told him it could so be a novel - and I could write it too.
- Absolutely.
You need to stand up to nay sayers like that.
When I was gonna run for city council, they told me I was too young, I was too green, I was too blonde.
- But did you show them, Aunt Mel? - Oh, but I showed them.
Yeah, and you can show that tool Mr.
Skimpole.
Hell yeah.
I'm gonna write that novel.
I have, like, a whole week and a half.
A week and a what? A week and a half until the grading period ends.
I mean if I turn in an entire brilliant novel, he'll have to change my grade.
- I'm gonna get started.
- Attagirl.
Wow, 10 days to write a whole novel? - She's out of her mind.
- I know, it's gonna be great.
Hey, you're a big fan of my tri-tip, right? - Oh, I love it.
- That's good to know.
I didn't make any of that tonight.
What I do have is leftover fried chicken from last night you could reheat, okay? I gotta get to a booster club meeting.
Whoa, booster club? At the high school? I'll go.
I mean, let me give you a break from all this kid-related activity.
No, you know, these parent volunteer meetings can be very tricky.
I've already sort of established my position in the pack.
You're gonna be like fresh meat to these booster ladies-- you know, sort of like a lame zebra at a watering hole.
Please, I'm in politics.
You think I'm intimidated by the high school booster club? Sorry I'm late.
Did you know all the gates at night are locked except one? Well, of course you do.
You're boosters.
Sorry.
Just go ahead.
Don't let me-- ooh, sorry-- interrupt you.
Too late for that.
Who are you? Mel Burke.
Excuse me.
Lennox and Ryder Scanlon's aunt.
Well, you may know me better as councilperson Mel Burke.
Yeah, you know, "Make Toledo work with Burke"? - Joey Longo is my nanny.
- Oh! He couldn't make it, so I'm here instead.
- Aw! - Joe's not coming? We love Joe.
He promised to bring his famous tiramisu.
Oh, was that for you guys? I-- 'cause I didn't see it.
Okay, back to the agenda-- the annual fundraiser.
Auction items.
More ideas? I'm donating three sessions - with my brother the chiropractor.
- Yummy! And Evelyn, I remember you said you were donating six hours of home decorating consultation.
Yum-my! Oh, and Laura promised two lavish spa packages - at Les Visage Verts.
- Ooh! Mel Burke, councilperson, Seventh District.
I have an exclusive item I'd like to donate to the auction-- attend a hearing of the Toledo City Council as my VIP Guest.
Will you have a great time? Aye! Great.
Good to have some backup ideas.
- Okay, next item.
- You didn't write it on the board.
Okay, how do I put this nicely? Perhaps if you had been at a few meetings, you'd know what it is we're trying to do here.
Well, thanks for nicing it up for me.
So Gwyneth, what's this I hear about you offering up your condo for a weekend in Vail? Wow, a weekend in Vail? Double yum! Oh, good lord.
Yes? I have another item I'd like to donate.
Really? Is it as good as the last one? - I don't know how it could be.
- Oh! Well, imagine this-- the greatest night of your life.
Your house organized, your dinner gourmet, your children taken care of by the greatest nanny this side of Mary Poppins-- Joe Longo.
Oh! - You're donating Joe? - Yeah, I am.
Hmm, the best night of your life with Joe longo.
That's a yummy! I had no idea Joe was such a generous man.
Oh yeah, neither does he.
Well, look at that, the zebra limps home alive.
How'd it go? Oh, you know how those meetings are.
Everyone's got their matching Martha Stewart sticks up their butts and everyone's trying to outdo everybody else with what they're donating.
I was like, "how about the best night of your life with Joe Longo?" Everybody was like, "yummy!" Then there was this walnut ring that was not yummy.
Whoa, stop.
Wait a minute.
I know, a walnut ring is like the most horrible thing ever.
No no no.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You-- you volunteered to donate me? I don't even know which word in there to emphasize.
Well, all those ladies were treating me like a second-class citizen because I'm not technically a mom and I haven't technically been to any of their meetings.
And they were all like, "I'm donating an hour of microdermabrasion.
" "Well, I'm donating my condo in Vail.
" So essentially it was just a big uterus-measuring contest then.
I cannot believe this.
I let you go to one meeting-- Excuse me.
You let me go to a meeting? Come on, those booster club ladies thought a night with Joe Longo was the best idea ever! Because of you, Joe.
You know, you're amazing.
I mean your cooking is awesome.
And the way you are with the kids-- you have a gift, you know that? Don't try to butt kiss your way out of this.
Please, Joe? Come on, it's for a good cause.
- The school band needs instruments.
- Uniforms.
At least I knew it was something to do with the band.
- Oh my God.
- Come on! You have to go or I'll look like a nobody in front of all those booster bimbos.
I mean for the kids! Do it for the kids! Ladies and gentlemen, the auction will begin in five minutes.
Will you lighten up? I already thanked you, like, 1,000 times.
What else can I say? You're a saint for showing up for me.
That's me, Saint Joseph, patron Saint of people who should have gone to booster club meetings instead of you.
I'm only here to raise money for the school.
Ooh, a rumba.
Let's dance.
No, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to dance with my owner.
Ridiculous objective correlatives.
Overblown drivel.
Stupid garbage derivatives! - Lennox, what's up? You okay? - No.
Writing a novel in 10 days is a lot harder than I thought.
All you wrote is "a-h-h-h.
" Yeah, it's pronounced "ahhh!" I don't know who my characters are anymore.
I don't know who I am anymore.
No, Lennox, you cannot let Skimpole win.
I already told all my friends you're taking him down.
All of my street cred is riding on this.
Yeah well, how can I call myself a writer if I can't even organize a simple 200-page novel? You know, when I'm editing my digital films I use index cards.
All the great filmmakers use them-- Quentin Tarantino, Tyler Perry.
What you do is you take the scenes or plot points and you write them on a card and then put them on a bulletin board and move them around.
That's your advice? Write notes? Jot this down.
Get out! Wow, you're pretty mean for a desperate person.
I am not mean.
I am creatively constipated.
But you're still able to give me crap.
Ryder, come back.
And bring index cards.
Oh, and chocolate-- the good stuff that Aunt Mel hides.
And we're up to $75 for our day of beauty.
Do I hear $80? $80 once.
$80 twice.
$200! Going once, going twice, sold to bidder number 51.
- Oh.
- Congratulations.
She needs a day of beauty more than I do.
You see those Louis Vuitton bags under her eyes? We got a bunch of drink tickets when we came in here, didn't we? No, I've only got a couple.
Don't judge me, okay? They jacked the Chardonnay up to three tickets a pop.
And our next item, lot number 8: The best night of your life with Joe Longo.
Dinner and childcare with a nanny par excellence provided by Mel Burke.
- You provided me? - Joe Longo.
I gave her great material and she isn't using it.
- Come here.
- Wait, no.
I'm not going-- - I don't wanna-- - Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Hi hi.
I've got this.
All right.
- Oh! Hey, what the-- All right, let me tell you about Joe Longo, my nanny.
- I'm freelance.
- All right.
When you have Joe Longo in your home, you don't just have a gourmet chef, all right? You don't just have a handyman.
You don't just have a childcare expert.
You have a ballroom dance master who can also bench-press Can we show him some love, people? All right, now I wanna start the bidding on this impressive package at $150.
Do I have $150? $150, all right.
$200? Anybody? Come on, those paddles aren't just for playing ping-pong, people.
Come on, do you wanna be beat out by a gluten-free muffin basket? If your kids need help with math, Columbia MBA In da house.
He's not kidding around, people.
All right, do I hear $200, $200? All right.
$250? $250? Take your jacket off.
Strut your stuff.
- I'm not taking my jacket off.
- No, come on.
- All right, you do it.
- I'll take my jacket off.
$250! All right, do I hear $300? $300.
$350? Anyone? $350? $400.
$400.
$450? Come on, people, how bad do you want it? $1,000.
- $1,000? - Seriously? She said it.
Shut up.
No backsies.
All right, $1,000.
Going once, twice, sold to Trisha Atley-Singer! $1,000 smackeroos for the band instruments.
- Uniforms.
- Uniforms.
Whoo.
Did you see that? I just went for more than the condo in Vail.
Heh, once again Joe Longo brings in the cash.
I know.
Let them try to look down their noses at me now after I gave them the most desirable item in the auction.
Item? Now I'm an item? Yep.
So this is it.
You ready to provide the best night of your life to the Atley-Singer family? It's not gonna be the best night of my life.
I was just talking to one of the other booster moms.
You know what they told me? Trisha's got four kids.
- Yeah, little kids.
- So? You're great with kids.
You know, Ryder and Lennox? Well, Ryder and Lennox don't yell "wipe me" from the bathroom.
It's not gonna be a problem.
You'll be fabulous with the kids.
Just be prepared.
So what should I do? Bring some fingerpaints and a puzzle? Sure, and if that doesn't work, try a juice box filled with vodka.
Are you crazy? I'm not giving alcohol to kids.
Of course not.
The vodka's for you.
You bring duct tape for the kids.
You're gonna make a great mom someday.
- Well, hello, Joe Longo.
- Hey, Trish.
Oh, thank you.
So look, I stopped by the toy store on my way here.
I hope your kids like Ker Plunk.
Oh, would you believe it? I got my days mixed up.
This is the weekend the kids spend with their father.
Oh, okay.
So you have a date coming over or something? Because I'll just cook for you two.
Whatever's leftover you can just freeze for the kids.
Sorry to say, it's just me.
Oh.
Well, I hope you like Ker Plunk.
This is kind of a change.
So what's the plan? Well, let's start with dinner and then see where the night takes us.
These jeans are just deadly.
- Joe, is everything okay? - Yeah yeah, it's fine.
I was just, you know, calling to check in just to see if you were tired of it.
- Tired of what? - Being wrong.
You said tonight was gonna go great.
Why? Did something happen to the kids? Wouldn't know.
The kids aren't here.
Oh my God, did you lose them already? No, I did not lose the kids.
No, it's just me and Trish here in her love lair.
Apparently she thought the Joe Longo package includes Joe Longo's package.
What? Well, get out of there.
Oh, I see.
Now you care about what happens to me, huh? Joseph, it's just me and the pork loin over here.
And one of us needs a nice spicy rub.
She paid a lot of money for this.
I gotta go.
Joe.
Joe! Don't do it! The climax-- where is the climax? Oh okay! Martine discovers that her mother is in fact her father.
No no! That should come at the end of chapter 10.
It'll never work, Miss Scanlon.
Mr.
Skimpole? How did you get in here? Pfft, backstory.
Nobody cares.
And how would you know? You don't even have a gripping opening sentence.
That's not true.
I have many gripping sentences.
What, here? Or here? Certainly not here.
Face it, miss scanlon, you're a failure.
You'll never be a real writer, never.
What? No! But I have to.
Even your nightmare material is desperately banal.
- Oh! - Lennox? - Who were you talking to? - Mr.
Skimpole.
He was here.
Lennox, you have a cough drop in your hair.
I give up.
I can't do this.
No no.
No, Lennox, you are very talented and creative.
You just need a little help organizing.
So what happens first? Does Martine behead the vampire or do the skinny high school girls eat their classmates? I don't know.
Yes, you do, Lennox.
Dig deep.
Okay, uh, skinny girls and then the vampire.
Okay.
Oh my God, that works.
Ha, take that, Mr.
Skimpole.
Hey, thanks, Ryder.
Oh no, don't thank me.
Thank Tyler Perry.
Okay, dinner is all set.
Just needs to stay in the broiler for like 20 more minutes.
A lot can happen in 20 minutes.
Can I tempt you with some wine? No.
Nope, not for me, not while I'm working.
That's what I'm doing here tonight-- just doing my work.
Well, there is something I wondered if you could do for me Something I need a man for.
Would you change that light bulb for me? Look Trish, I'm gonna have to draw the line on the sand right here.
There's no way I'm gonna-- change the light bulb? Yes.
Absolutely, of course.
I'd love to do that, yeah.
This one.
All right.
You have a little stepladder or something? You can just stand on the chair.
You don't-- you don't-- okay.
Fine, sure.
Wow, look at you-- such animal grace.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Here, let me hold you so you don't fall.
- You've done this before.
- Mm, yeah.
But we can pretend it's my first time.
Oh, who could that be? I don't know, but I'm gonna light a candle for whoever that is.
- Mel Burke.
- Hi.
Mel! What are you doing here? - Yes, what is this all about? - Oh, quality control.
Just, you know, making sure my auction donation person is being enjoyed by the lucky lady who won it-- him.
Ah, great.
Come here.
Let me ask you something.
What the hell are you doing here? You're the one who called me in a panic.
I'm not in a panic.
I just called to make you feel bad.
Clearly I've done that, so I'll see you at home.
- Good night.
- Wait.
Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do with her? Why do you care? Because I don't want you to, you know, compromise your value as an auction item.
I thought I bought an evening with Joe Longo, not Joe Longo and his little keeper.
Hey, okay, it was a night with Joe Longo cooking and babysitting.
And if you try for anything that's gonna skank that up, he's out of here.
- Mel, what are you doing? - Okay well, if he leaves, I'll let the school know that you reneged on your donation.
You don't care about the school.
You're never there.
Frankly, I'll question your commitment.
What have you ever given Grant High? $1,100.
- What? - What? Yeah, you bid $1,000 for him.
I'm countering.
$1,100.
You can't restart the bidding, Mel.
- $1,200.
- Maybe you can.
- $1,300.
- $1,400.
These jeans are like magic.
- $1,500.
- $1,600.
- $2,000! - $2,000? It's been a while, huh, councilwoman? Congratulations.
You can have him.
Did you see that? I won.
I won! Yes, you won Joe Longo.
Congratulations.
You just spent $2,000 to have me do the job you're already paying me to do.
Not even a moment of joy from you, is there? Come on, you're making me smile.
Well, that evening went about as well as auctioning off human beings usually goes.
I said I'm sorry.
I just felt like I wasn't involved in all the school stuff you do.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
- Lennox? - Aunt Mel, I did it.
I had Ryder help me and I finished my novel.
And you told me I could do it and I did it.
Aw, good for you, sweetie.
- Now go upstairs and get some sleep.
- No no, I can't.
I gotta proofread this.
Otherwise Skimpole will win.
You see? I told you those kids need you, whether you know it or not.
I mean you really are an important influence in their lives - As chilling as that may be.
- I guess I am.
I mean, so what if you don't pack any of their lunches or take them to school or show up at their sporting events or volunteer to chaperone any of their school trips like the one coming up to Washington D.
C.
? I mean, you really are an important part of their lives.
Thanks.
There's a field trip to Washington D.
C.
? Yeah, it's been on the master calendar for like weeks.
Oh, okay.
There's a master calendar? Yeah, it's right here.
I keep everybody's schedule on it.
- See, you're the blue.
- Oh.
I'm blue? Then what are these five blue boxes in a row with the red xs in them? Hey! I gotta keep track of these things.
It affects the whole household.
- Oh, Joe - Don't even think about it.
What? I was just gonna say there's mustard on your shirt.
What? Well, I heard back from Mr.
Skimpole - about my novel today.
- Oh, are you okay? Do you want me to get the ice cream now so it's soft like you like it? Hey, Mel, before you go drowning your sorrows in ice cream soup, let's hear about what actually happened.
Go ahead.
Okay well, because I was so tired and Ryder was rushing to help me finish, we didn't actually get all the post-its out of the manuscript and some pages still had notes written in the margin.
Aw man.
Mr.
Skimpole thought the post-its were a bold stylist choice.
Quote, "The author's comments on her own work create an exciting postmodern vibe.
" I got an "A"! - Oh! - Whoo! - That's fantastic.
- I knew you could do it.
So, Lennox, tell us, what is your novel about? I don't explain my work.