Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e19 Episode Script
Yes Sir, That's My Baby
Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! MINDY: Mork, what's that? It's a scrapbook, so I can take back memories from the planet Earth.
Oh, that's really nice.
A scrapbook of Earth.
Uh, what are you putting in there? Flags of different countries, pictures of our world leaders? Hey, save it for the Republicans, Mr.
Eisenhower.
I'm going to put some real fun stuff in here.
Something for the real people, some big yuks.
Look at this.
An example of some of your Earth poetry.
Huh, let's see.
"There once was a girl from Dundee, who" Where did you get this? From the poetry cubicles down at the basketball arena.
You must really love poetry, because they're all lined up to pay a dime to sit down and write poetry.
I think I'll go read some poetry.
Look at this here.
Mm-hmm.
Now what is this? What is this? It's a souvenir from a wrestling match.
A wrestling match? When did you ever go to a wrestling match? Well, they have them every weekend down by the lake in those parked cars.
Every time I walked by, one of these came out.
Hi Mindy.
Hi, Mork.
Hi, Sally.
Oh, Little Jody.
Wow, he's really gotten big! Yeah, he's my little man, all right.
You don't look like you're made out of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.
Is this the person who used to live in your stomach? The former bulge? Yeah.
Oh, he's so tiny.
How did he ever get out of there? Well, I think the doctor helped him out, Mork.
I know.
He slipped him a map and a compass and said, "You're on your own, clone.
Good luck.
" Here, why don't you hold him a while.
No, no, I, I don't speak small.
Whoa! Be careful.
So, what can I help you with? He's so cute.
What do you two talk about when you're alone? Well, nothing yet.
Jody can't talk.
Oh, a little mute.
It's okay.
My name is Mork.
Nanu-nanu.
Don't worry, Mork.
In a couple of months, he'll be chattering like crazy.
Yeah, I'll have the fun of teaching him new words.
Oh, no, you shouldn't teach him new words.
You should use the old words like everyone else uses, or else they'll think he's an idiot.
I know about that, boy.
Yeah, that's good advice, Mork.
Yeah, and I'll teach him to eat by himself, and walk.
He's got a lot to learn.
Ah, look, I taught him how to hug.
I'll just take these two.
Okay.
Good.
Oh, he's really incredible.
Mindy, can we get one? Can we order one today? How about it? Hmm? Can we get one, hmm? He's fantastic.
Maybe we can send away for one.
Well, maybe you and Mindy ought to get together sometime, and talk.
No matchmaking, Sally.
Who, me? Hey, don't suck on that.
You don't know where it's been.
That's fantastic.
He doesn't have any teeth! Who's the father, Leon Spinks? Come on, Jody.
You've got to be real careful.
He's real tiny, and he's fragile, you know? You might hurt him some way.
Uh, Mork.
Oh.
You probably know that, don't you? Yeah.
Don't worry.
I'll treat him just as if he were my own son.
Here you go.
Oh, thanks Take care.
We'll have to get together soon.
Yeah, good.
Thanks a lot.
Bye-bye.
Take care, little fella.
There's no place to grow but up! Wasn't he cute? Yeah.
For a guy who doesn't move very much, he sure sweats a lot.
You know, I think he likes me a lot.
You know how I can tell? How? 'Cause when I was hugging him, he made a little noise like this Eh! What does that mean? Oh, Mork, that was just a little You're right.
That was his way of telling you that he likes you.
Oh, I knew it.
Kids are such a gas.
I wish I had one of my own.
Can men have babies, too? Well, they can help.
It's sort of like a union.
Oh, you mean, like the Teamsters.
Mm, well it's not exactly like the Oh, sure, I hear about women in labor all the time.
No, it's not done like that.
How do you do it? Uh, why don't you ask my father? He's real good at things like this.
I have to go back here and work on something.
You're going to have to confront the situation someday.
Dad, how do they do it? Uh, how do who do what? How do they, how do they make babies? Like, I know where they come from.
I'm no pinhead, but how do they get them in? Do they blow them up? Do they add water? What happens? What do they do? Uh, well Mork, how a baby is born isn't as important as the miracle of creation.
You don't know either, do you? Well, it's been a long time since Mindy was born.
Oh.
She must have been a lot of fun to hold.
She sure is now.
She was wonderful.
I can't tell you what it's like to have a little, helpless baby completely dependent upon you.
I've never had anything dependent upon me.
Well, don't worry, someday you'll have a child or something of your own.
Thank you.
I can't wait.
Boy, I'm headed back now.
Mindy, I'll catch you back at the apartment.
Yes, sir, she's my baby, no, sir ( knocking ) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, Western Union! Howdy.
Doody.
Could I, could I see ya for a couple of seconds? A thousand one, one thousand two.
Now, you know don't make yourself a stranger anymore, Come on back anytime, You all come back now, you hear? ( knocking ) Wow, deja vu! Now you can close the door.
Yes, sir, glad to see you in here.
Friend, uh, you don't know me Oh, yes I do.
I saw you in the music store, then you followed me to the grocery store.
Glad to see you here once again.
Right.
Now, when I was in that music store, I couldn't help but notice that you were really enjoying holding that small baby.
Oh, yeah.
I never held one before, and I really liked it.
And didn't I hear you say you'd like one of your own? Yeah, but it's physically impossible, you know? I don't have a test tube.
But I'd give anything to have one.
Would you give $10,000? Hey! What? You see, I know this couple with a baby, and they're trying to find a real nice home for it, you understand? If I don't give you the money, they're going to turn it out, into the woods, and it'll be raised by rabbits? Whatever you say, buddy.
Oh, I can't let that happen.
He might never take care of himself, and he might get a little fur ball caught in his throat.
Or worse unless you take care of it.
Of course, that's, uh, that's up to you.
All right.
I'll do anything you want.
I'll get the money for you.
You got yourself a deal.
Fantastic.
I'll, uh, I'll call you in the morning, all right? Oh, and, uh, one thing, don't breathe a word of this to anyone.
Anyone.
Whew.
Okay.
But I have to borrow money from somebody.
What do I tell them? That's your problem, kid.
My, uh, my friends don't like publicity.
Remember, one word, no deal.
No pressure.
Well, I guess I better do this to save the kid.
And, besides, I'm going to be a father.
I'll be able to teach him to walk, to talk, maybe to fly an egg.
Yeah, I'll, I'll be in touch.
Take care.
Yeah.
Oh, greasy.
I'm going to have a baby! Kay-o, Jose! Oh, I feel kind of strange, kind of dizzy.
I feel a sudden craving for pickles and ice cream.
Mindy! Sweetheart, darling.
Long time no see, honeybunch.
Dynamic to see you again, darling.
Can I, can I ask you just a small favor? What? Can I have $10,000? No.
Why not? I really need it.
I got to have it, please, please, please, please? Now, what could you possibly need that costs $10,000? Um, socks.
Socks.
Gucci socks.
$10,000 worth of Gucci socks? Well, that's four pair and a garter.
Listen Mork, I'd really like to help you out, but I don't have that kind of money.
What kind do you have? I have the kind that jingles.
You know, the kind you use in gum machines.
Oh, humor.
( honking bark ) What do you need $10,000 for, anyway? Oh, it's for a big surprise.
It's real expensive, but I know you'll love it.
Uh, you're not going to help me? Okay.
All right.
What can I do to get $10,000? I can always go to Jesus.
That'll cost me an arm and a broken leg.
I know, you can try selling apples.
That's right! Apples! Let's see, at a nickel apiece that's 20,000 apples, No.
We can sell one big apple on steroids for $10,000.
No, wait, I can baby-sit for mainland China.
No.
I could teach etiquette to Billy Carter! No! I could sell dental floss to the Osmonds! Listen, you think of something.
I'm going to go in the bedroom right now and change my clothes, but I will be back to discuss this with you later.
I'll be your valet for $2,000.
Well, in case I do get the money, I better practice being a father.
Eh, here's my little surrogate baby.
Here we go.
Yay.
Finkundoo hatchling, finkundoo fee Finkundoo hatchling, finkundoo Oh, fantastic, I love you so.
Why didn't you tell me you had to do that? Excuse me, ladies.
Hi.
May I show you some disco records? No, thanks.
I'm with the F.
B.
I.
Oh.
Well, maybe I can show you some Police records.
( laughs ) Can I help you? Yes, I'd like you to look at this photograph and tell me if you've ever seen this man before.
Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
This guy was hanging around here yesterday.
Who is he? He's a creep who kidnaps and sells babies.
We were tailing him yesterday when he followed a woman with a baby into this store.
Oh, my God, that was Sally! Is he after her baby? He could be, but don't worry.
We're watching him.
Oh, thank goodness.
The odd thing is, when he left here, he didn't follow her.
He followed some strange-looking man with suspenders to your house, Miss McConnell.
To my house? What would he be doing at my house? That's what we want to ask you.
Uh, does a strange man with suspenders give you a clue? Oh, Dad, Mork wouldn't do anything wrong.
Wait a minute.
How much does this guy sell babies for? $10,000.
Well, what I meant was, Mork wouldn't do anything wrong intentionally.
Ma'am, if you think your friend is trying to buy a baby, relax.
He's not in trouble.
We want the kidnapper.
You wouldn't arrest him? Absolutely not.
Well, then I think my friend Mork might be trying to buy a baby.
Yesterday, when I came home from work he asked me if he could borrow $10,000.
Did you give it to him? No, I don't have that kind of money! Well, you do now.
Oh, I don't know about this.
Miss McConnell, we must have your help.
Well, I guess if the guy is such a creep, I guess Mork would want to help, too.
No, no.
You can't tell him.
This guy is sharp, and if he thinks he's being set up, we'll lose him again.
He's right, dear.
Mork is no actor.
Now, I want you to call me the minute you know when and where the transfer is being made.
Good day.
This is the famous Orkan atom smasher! Let me show you how this works.
First, get one government atom ( makes squeaking sound ) There's one put it under there ( groans) Flatto! I'll clean up that mess later, but actually if we'd split the atom we'd all be dead meat by now, but let's move on quickly.
It can also crush nuts.
See the nut? I see the nut.
Thank you.
Mork, I've got the money you need.
$10,000.
Oh, Mindy, that's fantastic.
Oh no, you didn't Oh, poor child I didn't.
I got a raise.
You got a raise? That's wonderful.
Well what's this? Um I dried the clothes in the microwave.
No, actually actually, it's better than that.
You see, I made this for my favorite TV star ( as Tattoo ): Boss, my shirt has landed.
( with Latin accent ): Give it to me, Tattoo, I want to wear it that's my fantasy.
Um Look at that look at that ring, isn't it amazing? Look at the size of that sucker, boy.
I bet Elizabeth Taylor doesn't even have one of these.
No, she doesn't.
( rattling ) It's uh a seeing eye rattle for a blind snake.
( phone ringing ) Saved by the bell.
Telephone.
Yello? Oh, howdy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sure, I've got the money.
See? Yeah, tomorrow at noon? At the bus station.
Uh, yea uh Mindy, this is a private call.
Do you mind if I take it in there? No, go right ahead.
Thank you.
He hung up.
WOMAN: Roadways next bus to Denver will be leaving Boulder at 3:00.
Uh is this seat taken? Thank you.
Attention the 3:30 bus to Los Angeles will now be departing at 4:45.
Nice day, huh? Oh, on a liquid diet.
No, I'm I'm expecting a baby.
Not literally.
Boy, that'd be funny, wouldn't it? Whoa.
Yeah, should be coming through anytime now, you know.
A little guy, so helpless, so tiny.
That's why I'm here to take care of him.
I'm the father figure.
Yeah, he's only six months old and I haven't seen him in two years.
Called me up the other day on the phone.
Kind of a strange conversation.
All he knows is ( making baby sounds ) How he got his little fingers in the dial, I'll never know.
So I says to him Boy, you're about as much fun as I guess the firstborn means a lot to a father.
That's what I'm going to be.
Whew.
Here's my man now.
I'm over here! I'm over here! Don't you know what's happening here? Oh, yeah.
I'm going to give you $10,000 and you're going to give me a baby.
Would you shut up? You'll wake up the baby.
Now, where's the money? Here it is.
Okay.
Easy.
I want to make sure it's all here.
Okay, here's your kid.
MORK: Oh.
Hold it, scuz! I want to make sure he's all here.
Oh, he's all there, but I'm not so sure about you.
Well, thank you.
It's been a pleasure dealing with a Stetson stork.
Passengers are now disembarking from Aspen and Vale.
You're under arrest.
Up against the wall.
Attention Mr.
Dan Benton, please report to the desk.
Hands behind your back.
I'm telling you, you got the wrong guy.
Sure we do.
You are Chuck Wilson, alias Chuck Martin, alias Charles Henthorne.
See? You don't know who you got.
We got you this time.
This money is marked.
Take him out to the car and read him his rights.
Well let's get the baby and take him back to his parents.
Okay.
He's gone! He must have slipped out the back.
Well don't worry.
I'm sure he's going back to Miss McConnell's house.
I better get her on the phone at the store.
and the beautiful princess said, "If I kiss you, will you buy me a Halston dress and take me to Long Island and build me a condominium?" And the jive toad said, "Sho, mama, anything you want.
" And so, the princess kissed the ugly toad, and lo and behold, she croaked.
She keeled right over.
Splat.
And her little tiny crown rolled down the hill, because the toad was wearing poisoned lip gloss.
Here's the moral of the story never kiss a toad in drag.
There we go It's time for us to get rocking, here.
Here we go.
Oh let's get down, get funky.
There we go.
There we go Finkundoo hatchling dee bo klaykoo Bon de dan derso you're waiting too ( gurgles ) Boy, I'm so proud to be a father.
I can't wait for you to meet your God-moose, too.
I'm a father, here Chuck, here's a cigar.
Thank you, Carl.
Mindy, Mindy, look, I'm a father.
You'll never believe what happened.
All of a sudden, this little guy followed me all the way home, and all of a sudden I heard a little tiny knock at the door ( makes squeaking sound ) and he crawled right in, you know.
That's fantastic! Mork Okay.
Here's what really happened.
I was walking down the street, and I saw these bullrushes, and there was a burning bush you know? And all of a sudden this big voice said, "Take him home, it'll be all right.
" Mork I know, oh dopey me.
I should never get my alibis out of a best-seller.
Um here's the truth, this is what really happened you see, his parents abandoned him and they'd leave him in the woods and he'd be raised by rabbits and who knows what would happen when hunting season would come along? He might end up on a little chain as a good luck charm, you know what I mean? Mork Mindy, please! See, he's fantastic, and I'll be a great father.
I'll love him, I'll care for him, I'll feed him, I'll do everything he needs, and besides I named him after you.
Oh, Mork, you're not making this easy at all.
I don't want to make it easy for you.
He's fantastic.
You can't send him Mork, you can't keep him.
Why not? I paid good money for him.
Well that's just it, it's against the law to buy a baby.
No it isn't, the guy who sold him to me says he sells them all the time.
That's right, and he's going to jail because of that.
Are they here to take him back? I'm afraid they are.
But don't you understand? His parents were mean, nasty people.
That guy lied to you, Mork.
This baby was stolen.
His parents love him very much, and they want him back desperately.
All right, you get the baby, and I'll contact the office.
No, no, no.
( gurgling ) I'll give him back to you.
Shh, shh.
Wait.
You've got to keep him real dry, because he's kind of like a dribble glass with arms.
And, oh, you've got to keep him real warm, too.
Got to keep him wrapped up real tight.
And if he ever makes a noise like this ( burping sound ) that means he likes you.
Take care, little fella.
Good-bye, little Mindy.
Top of the world, Ma.
Miss McConnell, Thank you.
We'll be in touch.
I'm going to miss him.
Oh, Mork, I'm so sorry things worked out like this.
Yeah, me, too.
I feel so bad.
You understand I had to do that, I had to give him to those people.
I know.
I didn't know his parents loved him so much and wanted him back.
I can't blame them.
I don't know what to say.
I just feel so sorry for you.
Oh, you don't have to feel sorry for me.
Now I know what it's like to be a father.
It's really wonderful.
Even being a father for an hour is better than being never a father at all.
You're really amazing.
And besides, I would have made a lousy father.
I couldn't even get the kid to eat.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Hey, laser breath.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson ORSON: I read you, Mork.
What have you got for me this week? Oh, something very special, Your Immenseness.
This week, I was a father for an hour.
That's wonderful.
What's a father? Oh, you remember a mother? Well a father is the male counterpart.
If you have a mother, why do you need a father? Sounds like featherbedding to me.
Oh, no.
A father's very important.
He gives the child love.
You told me that's what the mother did.
Oh, but a child needs lots of love so he can grow big and strong in here.
That's a father's whole function? No.
Just loving? Oh, no, Your Fattitude.
You see, a father serves another purpose, too.
He provides food, shelter, leadership, and according to recent facts, he works very hard, worries a lot, and dies young so his family can go on living.
Who would apply for a job like that? You know, between the mother and the father, children receive so much of everything, they must be grateful.
Oh, no, sir, you see, they take it for granted, until it's gone.
Then they miss it.
Well, I don't understand why anybody would want to be a parent.
Orson, it's one of those situations where you have to be there.
Because once you hold this, this little, tiny baby in your arms, this eensy, teensy tiny being ( makes baby sounds ) it makes it all worthwhile.
Personally, I'll stick with the test tubes.
Oh, que sera sera.
Until next week, Your Immenseness Nanu-nanu.
Andiamo.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! MINDY: Mork, what's that? It's a scrapbook, so I can take back memories from the planet Earth.
Oh, that's really nice.
A scrapbook of Earth.
Uh, what are you putting in there? Flags of different countries, pictures of our world leaders? Hey, save it for the Republicans, Mr.
Eisenhower.
I'm going to put some real fun stuff in here.
Something for the real people, some big yuks.
Look at this.
An example of some of your Earth poetry.
Huh, let's see.
"There once was a girl from Dundee, who" Where did you get this? From the poetry cubicles down at the basketball arena.
You must really love poetry, because they're all lined up to pay a dime to sit down and write poetry.
I think I'll go read some poetry.
Look at this here.
Mm-hmm.
Now what is this? What is this? It's a souvenir from a wrestling match.
A wrestling match? When did you ever go to a wrestling match? Well, they have them every weekend down by the lake in those parked cars.
Every time I walked by, one of these came out.
Hi Mindy.
Hi, Mork.
Hi, Sally.
Oh, Little Jody.
Wow, he's really gotten big! Yeah, he's my little man, all right.
You don't look like you're made out of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.
Is this the person who used to live in your stomach? The former bulge? Yeah.
Oh, he's so tiny.
How did he ever get out of there? Well, I think the doctor helped him out, Mork.
I know.
He slipped him a map and a compass and said, "You're on your own, clone.
Good luck.
" Here, why don't you hold him a while.
No, no, I, I don't speak small.
Whoa! Be careful.
So, what can I help you with? He's so cute.
What do you two talk about when you're alone? Well, nothing yet.
Jody can't talk.
Oh, a little mute.
It's okay.
My name is Mork.
Nanu-nanu.
Don't worry, Mork.
In a couple of months, he'll be chattering like crazy.
Yeah, I'll have the fun of teaching him new words.
Oh, no, you shouldn't teach him new words.
You should use the old words like everyone else uses, or else they'll think he's an idiot.
I know about that, boy.
Yeah, that's good advice, Mork.
Yeah, and I'll teach him to eat by himself, and walk.
He's got a lot to learn.
Ah, look, I taught him how to hug.
I'll just take these two.
Okay.
Good.
Oh, he's really incredible.
Mindy, can we get one? Can we order one today? How about it? Hmm? Can we get one, hmm? He's fantastic.
Maybe we can send away for one.
Well, maybe you and Mindy ought to get together sometime, and talk.
No matchmaking, Sally.
Who, me? Hey, don't suck on that.
You don't know where it's been.
That's fantastic.
He doesn't have any teeth! Who's the father, Leon Spinks? Come on, Jody.
You've got to be real careful.
He's real tiny, and he's fragile, you know? You might hurt him some way.
Uh, Mork.
Oh.
You probably know that, don't you? Yeah.
Don't worry.
I'll treat him just as if he were my own son.
Here you go.
Oh, thanks Take care.
We'll have to get together soon.
Yeah, good.
Thanks a lot.
Bye-bye.
Take care, little fella.
There's no place to grow but up! Wasn't he cute? Yeah.
For a guy who doesn't move very much, he sure sweats a lot.
You know, I think he likes me a lot.
You know how I can tell? How? 'Cause when I was hugging him, he made a little noise like this Eh! What does that mean? Oh, Mork, that was just a little You're right.
That was his way of telling you that he likes you.
Oh, I knew it.
Kids are such a gas.
I wish I had one of my own.
Can men have babies, too? Well, they can help.
It's sort of like a union.
Oh, you mean, like the Teamsters.
Mm, well it's not exactly like the Oh, sure, I hear about women in labor all the time.
No, it's not done like that.
How do you do it? Uh, why don't you ask my father? He's real good at things like this.
I have to go back here and work on something.
You're going to have to confront the situation someday.
Dad, how do they do it? Uh, how do who do what? How do they, how do they make babies? Like, I know where they come from.
I'm no pinhead, but how do they get them in? Do they blow them up? Do they add water? What happens? What do they do? Uh, well Mork, how a baby is born isn't as important as the miracle of creation.
You don't know either, do you? Well, it's been a long time since Mindy was born.
Oh.
She must have been a lot of fun to hold.
She sure is now.
She was wonderful.
I can't tell you what it's like to have a little, helpless baby completely dependent upon you.
I've never had anything dependent upon me.
Well, don't worry, someday you'll have a child or something of your own.
Thank you.
I can't wait.
Boy, I'm headed back now.
Mindy, I'll catch you back at the apartment.
Yes, sir, she's my baby, no, sir ( knocking ) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, Western Union! Howdy.
Doody.
Could I, could I see ya for a couple of seconds? A thousand one, one thousand two.
Now, you know don't make yourself a stranger anymore, Come on back anytime, You all come back now, you hear? ( knocking ) Wow, deja vu! Now you can close the door.
Yes, sir, glad to see you in here.
Friend, uh, you don't know me Oh, yes I do.
I saw you in the music store, then you followed me to the grocery store.
Glad to see you here once again.
Right.
Now, when I was in that music store, I couldn't help but notice that you were really enjoying holding that small baby.
Oh, yeah.
I never held one before, and I really liked it.
And didn't I hear you say you'd like one of your own? Yeah, but it's physically impossible, you know? I don't have a test tube.
But I'd give anything to have one.
Would you give $10,000? Hey! What? You see, I know this couple with a baby, and they're trying to find a real nice home for it, you understand? If I don't give you the money, they're going to turn it out, into the woods, and it'll be raised by rabbits? Whatever you say, buddy.
Oh, I can't let that happen.
He might never take care of himself, and he might get a little fur ball caught in his throat.
Or worse unless you take care of it.
Of course, that's, uh, that's up to you.
All right.
I'll do anything you want.
I'll get the money for you.
You got yourself a deal.
Fantastic.
I'll, uh, I'll call you in the morning, all right? Oh, and, uh, one thing, don't breathe a word of this to anyone.
Anyone.
Whew.
Okay.
But I have to borrow money from somebody.
What do I tell them? That's your problem, kid.
My, uh, my friends don't like publicity.
Remember, one word, no deal.
No pressure.
Well, I guess I better do this to save the kid.
And, besides, I'm going to be a father.
I'll be able to teach him to walk, to talk, maybe to fly an egg.
Yeah, I'll, I'll be in touch.
Take care.
Yeah.
Oh, greasy.
I'm going to have a baby! Kay-o, Jose! Oh, I feel kind of strange, kind of dizzy.
I feel a sudden craving for pickles and ice cream.
Mindy! Sweetheart, darling.
Long time no see, honeybunch.
Dynamic to see you again, darling.
Can I, can I ask you just a small favor? What? Can I have $10,000? No.
Why not? I really need it.
I got to have it, please, please, please, please? Now, what could you possibly need that costs $10,000? Um, socks.
Socks.
Gucci socks.
$10,000 worth of Gucci socks? Well, that's four pair and a garter.
Listen Mork, I'd really like to help you out, but I don't have that kind of money.
What kind do you have? I have the kind that jingles.
You know, the kind you use in gum machines.
Oh, humor.
( honking bark ) What do you need $10,000 for, anyway? Oh, it's for a big surprise.
It's real expensive, but I know you'll love it.
Uh, you're not going to help me? Okay.
All right.
What can I do to get $10,000? I can always go to Jesus.
That'll cost me an arm and a broken leg.
I know, you can try selling apples.
That's right! Apples! Let's see, at a nickel apiece that's 20,000 apples, No.
We can sell one big apple on steroids for $10,000.
No, wait, I can baby-sit for mainland China.
No.
I could teach etiquette to Billy Carter! No! I could sell dental floss to the Osmonds! Listen, you think of something.
I'm going to go in the bedroom right now and change my clothes, but I will be back to discuss this with you later.
I'll be your valet for $2,000.
Well, in case I do get the money, I better practice being a father.
Eh, here's my little surrogate baby.
Here we go.
Yay.
Finkundoo hatchling, finkundoo fee Finkundoo hatchling, finkundoo Oh, fantastic, I love you so.
Why didn't you tell me you had to do that? Excuse me, ladies.
Hi.
May I show you some disco records? No, thanks.
I'm with the F.
B.
I.
Oh.
Well, maybe I can show you some Police records.
( laughs ) Can I help you? Yes, I'd like you to look at this photograph and tell me if you've ever seen this man before.
Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
This guy was hanging around here yesterday.
Who is he? He's a creep who kidnaps and sells babies.
We were tailing him yesterday when he followed a woman with a baby into this store.
Oh, my God, that was Sally! Is he after her baby? He could be, but don't worry.
We're watching him.
Oh, thank goodness.
The odd thing is, when he left here, he didn't follow her.
He followed some strange-looking man with suspenders to your house, Miss McConnell.
To my house? What would he be doing at my house? That's what we want to ask you.
Uh, does a strange man with suspenders give you a clue? Oh, Dad, Mork wouldn't do anything wrong.
Wait a minute.
How much does this guy sell babies for? $10,000.
Well, what I meant was, Mork wouldn't do anything wrong intentionally.
Ma'am, if you think your friend is trying to buy a baby, relax.
He's not in trouble.
We want the kidnapper.
You wouldn't arrest him? Absolutely not.
Well, then I think my friend Mork might be trying to buy a baby.
Yesterday, when I came home from work he asked me if he could borrow $10,000.
Did you give it to him? No, I don't have that kind of money! Well, you do now.
Oh, I don't know about this.
Miss McConnell, we must have your help.
Well, I guess if the guy is such a creep, I guess Mork would want to help, too.
No, no.
You can't tell him.
This guy is sharp, and if he thinks he's being set up, we'll lose him again.
He's right, dear.
Mork is no actor.
Now, I want you to call me the minute you know when and where the transfer is being made.
Good day.
This is the famous Orkan atom smasher! Let me show you how this works.
First, get one government atom ( makes squeaking sound ) There's one put it under there ( groans) Flatto! I'll clean up that mess later, but actually if we'd split the atom we'd all be dead meat by now, but let's move on quickly.
It can also crush nuts.
See the nut? I see the nut.
Thank you.
Mork, I've got the money you need.
$10,000.
Oh, Mindy, that's fantastic.
Oh no, you didn't Oh, poor child I didn't.
I got a raise.
You got a raise? That's wonderful.
Well what's this? Um I dried the clothes in the microwave.
No, actually actually, it's better than that.
You see, I made this for my favorite TV star ( as Tattoo ): Boss, my shirt has landed.
( with Latin accent ): Give it to me, Tattoo, I want to wear it that's my fantasy.
Um Look at that look at that ring, isn't it amazing? Look at the size of that sucker, boy.
I bet Elizabeth Taylor doesn't even have one of these.
No, she doesn't.
( rattling ) It's uh a seeing eye rattle for a blind snake.
( phone ringing ) Saved by the bell.
Telephone.
Yello? Oh, howdy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sure, I've got the money.
See? Yeah, tomorrow at noon? At the bus station.
Uh, yea uh Mindy, this is a private call.
Do you mind if I take it in there? No, go right ahead.
Thank you.
He hung up.
WOMAN: Roadways next bus to Denver will be leaving Boulder at 3:00.
Uh is this seat taken? Thank you.
Attention the 3:30 bus to Los Angeles will now be departing at 4:45.
Nice day, huh? Oh, on a liquid diet.
No, I'm I'm expecting a baby.
Not literally.
Boy, that'd be funny, wouldn't it? Whoa.
Yeah, should be coming through anytime now, you know.
A little guy, so helpless, so tiny.
That's why I'm here to take care of him.
I'm the father figure.
Yeah, he's only six months old and I haven't seen him in two years.
Called me up the other day on the phone.
Kind of a strange conversation.
All he knows is ( making baby sounds ) How he got his little fingers in the dial, I'll never know.
So I says to him Boy, you're about as much fun as I guess the firstborn means a lot to a father.
That's what I'm going to be.
Whew.
Here's my man now.
I'm over here! I'm over here! Don't you know what's happening here? Oh, yeah.
I'm going to give you $10,000 and you're going to give me a baby.
Would you shut up? You'll wake up the baby.
Now, where's the money? Here it is.
Okay.
Easy.
I want to make sure it's all here.
Okay, here's your kid.
MORK: Oh.
Hold it, scuz! I want to make sure he's all here.
Oh, he's all there, but I'm not so sure about you.
Well, thank you.
It's been a pleasure dealing with a Stetson stork.
Passengers are now disembarking from Aspen and Vale.
You're under arrest.
Up against the wall.
Attention Mr.
Dan Benton, please report to the desk.
Hands behind your back.
I'm telling you, you got the wrong guy.
Sure we do.
You are Chuck Wilson, alias Chuck Martin, alias Charles Henthorne.
See? You don't know who you got.
We got you this time.
This money is marked.
Take him out to the car and read him his rights.
Well let's get the baby and take him back to his parents.
Okay.
He's gone! He must have slipped out the back.
Well don't worry.
I'm sure he's going back to Miss McConnell's house.
I better get her on the phone at the store.
and the beautiful princess said, "If I kiss you, will you buy me a Halston dress and take me to Long Island and build me a condominium?" And the jive toad said, "Sho, mama, anything you want.
" And so, the princess kissed the ugly toad, and lo and behold, she croaked.
She keeled right over.
Splat.
And her little tiny crown rolled down the hill, because the toad was wearing poisoned lip gloss.
Here's the moral of the story never kiss a toad in drag.
There we go It's time for us to get rocking, here.
Here we go.
Oh let's get down, get funky.
There we go.
There we go Finkundoo hatchling dee bo klaykoo Bon de dan derso you're waiting too ( gurgles ) Boy, I'm so proud to be a father.
I can't wait for you to meet your God-moose, too.
I'm a father, here Chuck, here's a cigar.
Thank you, Carl.
Mindy, Mindy, look, I'm a father.
You'll never believe what happened.
All of a sudden, this little guy followed me all the way home, and all of a sudden I heard a little tiny knock at the door ( makes squeaking sound ) and he crawled right in, you know.
That's fantastic! Mork Okay.
Here's what really happened.
I was walking down the street, and I saw these bullrushes, and there was a burning bush you know? And all of a sudden this big voice said, "Take him home, it'll be all right.
" Mork I know, oh dopey me.
I should never get my alibis out of a best-seller.
Um here's the truth, this is what really happened you see, his parents abandoned him and they'd leave him in the woods and he'd be raised by rabbits and who knows what would happen when hunting season would come along? He might end up on a little chain as a good luck charm, you know what I mean? Mork Mindy, please! See, he's fantastic, and I'll be a great father.
I'll love him, I'll care for him, I'll feed him, I'll do everything he needs, and besides I named him after you.
Oh, Mork, you're not making this easy at all.
I don't want to make it easy for you.
He's fantastic.
You can't send him Mork, you can't keep him.
Why not? I paid good money for him.
Well that's just it, it's against the law to buy a baby.
No it isn't, the guy who sold him to me says he sells them all the time.
That's right, and he's going to jail because of that.
Are they here to take him back? I'm afraid they are.
But don't you understand? His parents were mean, nasty people.
That guy lied to you, Mork.
This baby was stolen.
His parents love him very much, and they want him back desperately.
All right, you get the baby, and I'll contact the office.
No, no, no.
( gurgling ) I'll give him back to you.
Shh, shh.
Wait.
You've got to keep him real dry, because he's kind of like a dribble glass with arms.
And, oh, you've got to keep him real warm, too.
Got to keep him wrapped up real tight.
And if he ever makes a noise like this ( burping sound ) that means he likes you.
Take care, little fella.
Good-bye, little Mindy.
Top of the world, Ma.
Miss McConnell, Thank you.
We'll be in touch.
I'm going to miss him.
Oh, Mork, I'm so sorry things worked out like this.
Yeah, me, too.
I feel so bad.
You understand I had to do that, I had to give him to those people.
I know.
I didn't know his parents loved him so much and wanted him back.
I can't blame them.
I don't know what to say.
I just feel so sorry for you.
Oh, you don't have to feel sorry for me.
Now I know what it's like to be a father.
It's really wonderful.
Even being a father for an hour is better than being never a father at all.
You're really amazing.
And besides, I would have made a lousy father.
I couldn't even get the kid to eat.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Hey, laser breath.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson ORSON: I read you, Mork.
What have you got for me this week? Oh, something very special, Your Immenseness.
This week, I was a father for an hour.
That's wonderful.
What's a father? Oh, you remember a mother? Well a father is the male counterpart.
If you have a mother, why do you need a father? Sounds like featherbedding to me.
Oh, no.
A father's very important.
He gives the child love.
You told me that's what the mother did.
Oh, but a child needs lots of love so he can grow big and strong in here.
That's a father's whole function? No.
Just loving? Oh, no, Your Fattitude.
You see, a father serves another purpose, too.
He provides food, shelter, leadership, and according to recent facts, he works very hard, worries a lot, and dies young so his family can go on living.
Who would apply for a job like that? You know, between the mother and the father, children receive so much of everything, they must be grateful.
Oh, no, sir, you see, they take it for granted, until it's gone.
Then they miss it.
Well, I don't understand why anybody would want to be a parent.
Orson, it's one of those situations where you have to be there.
Because once you hold this, this little, tiny baby in your arms, this eensy, teensy tiny being ( makes baby sounds ) it makes it all worthwhile.
Personally, I'll stick with the test tubes.
Oh, que sera sera.
Until next week, Your Immenseness Nanu-nanu.
Andiamo.