New Girl s01e19 Episode Script
Secrets
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready.
Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography she just filmed First Wives Club, and it's getting me pumped! - I totally forgot we were gonna run today.
- I e-mailed you three times! - Maybe you typed "g-moil" again.
- No excuses, we have to train.
We signed up for this, now we have to do it.
Why can't we just donate the money? We do we have to run the six miles first? That's a good point, but no, you're getting dressed-- No, Jess, look, I can't go, I'm super hungover right now plus, Masha had a crisis, she accidentally ate a cookie because she fell on it.
- I am devastated.
- She's devastated.
- Why don't you come running with us? - No, she definitely can't.
JESS: It's great, more money for charity! CECE: We will do it tomorrow! JESS: lt'll be so fun! [SCHMlDT SlGHS.]
I mean, that was a close one.
Good thing I'm a quiet breather I learned that as a kid playing "Who passed out?" with my mom.
- My mom always won.
- Jew in the couch.
Jew in the couch.
[NADlA CHUCKLlNG.]
- Nadia.
American manners.
- I sorry.
So Jew person in couch.
She's not wrong.
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess WOMAN: Okay.
Bye, Nick.
So you'll call me? Um, yeah.
Yeah, I'll definitely do-- [COUGHlNG.]
- Are you okay? - I'm gonna call you.
You hike? Do you hike? - Okay? Are you-- ? NlCK: This was fun.
Okay.
Okay, I'll call you tonight - to make sure you're okay.
- Please.
[CONTlNUES COUGHlNG.]
That was ridiculous.
I can't do this, Winston.
I don't know how to sleep with and for a couple of weeks, that's all I've been doing.
- What's going on with you, are you okay? - I saw something a few days ago.
Now, I've been sworn to secrecy, but it is just too big-- I know where you're going, you know I can't keep a secret, you saw me with that girl.
Thinking about secrets turns me into a Slip 'N Slide.
- You gotta help me out, I'm dying! Hey, hey! NlCK: I don't wanna know! - Come on, come on, come on, I'm dying! - I don't wanna know! I don't wanna know! Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together! Ew.
[NlCK GROANS.]
- It's happening under our roof.
- No.
- Yes.
Yes! - No! - This makes me hate things.
- I know, man, it's like up is down.
- Up is the new down, man.
- Now my back is sweating.
- All right, who knows? - Everybody but Jess.
JESS: Hey.
Hey, Jess.
Just hanging out in the hallway.
What's going on? Nothing's going on.
I'm really annoyed, Cece bailed on me again - we were supposed to train for that race-- - That is so Cece! I know.
I mean, and the weird thing is that she said she was hungover but last night, she said she didn't want to go out.
Maybe she had a guy over.
Not like that, I didn't say anything.
Think about what I said, I didn't say anything.
You have a secret.
You have a secret! Turn around.
- You turn around.
Be cool about this.
- Let me see your back.
Ew.
Gross! J'accuse, Miller! J'accuse.
- You fold like a lawn chair.
Fold.
Fold.
- You're not gonna fold me.
- Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together! - Come on! What? Oh, my God! WlNSTON: They know, Schmidt.
Sweatback? You told Sweatback? Come on, Winston! - Jess - God.
I am so sorry that you had to hear about this like this.
But can we just take a moment to celebrate me? Schmidty did it this time.
I mean, I'm having lndian every night.
- No! No! Aah! - Whoa! Whoa! Ow! Jess, I'm really sorry you found out this way.
Trust me, it wasn't some big conspiracy, just something that happened and then it got out of control, like poison oak, and I just - couldn't stop scratching it.
That's - Cece started it.
I did, I started it.
Why, Cece? Are you trying to get back at your parents? - When did it start? - Jess, I want to emphasize that we are not dating.
I can't stress that enough.
This is just sex.
- Mm-hm.
When did it start? - One-oh-three a.
m.
February 15th.
Right on schedule.
- lt was two months ago.
- Two months? Two moons have passed since you started doing it? You talk like a Native American when you're angry.
- Two moons have passed! - Just a quick side bar - we've done it in every room of the apartment.
- Ugh.
- Even my room? Oh, God.
- Just the one time.
- How long have you known? - A few days.
You didn't tell me either? Reminder, I told you seconds after I knew.
- Because you're weak, Nick.
Weak.
- Okay, I agree, just chill, stop yelling.
Jess, I want to tell you everything, what do you want to know? Cece, how would I know if you're telling the truth? Come on, Jess, are you seriously mad? No.
No.
I'm not.
I'm really glad you two are having fun.
How cool is that? For what it's worth, I think what I did was really brave.
[SlGHS.]
- Get off of me.
- Yeah.
Have you guys seen a scarf? Holly said she left it here.
It's my favorite because it's a circle, so you never have to think about which end goes on the right or the left.
My therapist gave it to me.
She's Asian but she's the nicest.
[PHONE RlNGlNG.]
- Who was that? - Nobody, just Who was that? Was it that stuck-up bitch from last night with the fake hand? - Whoa.
- No, it was no one, it was just beep, beep, beep.
It was-- I'm so old.
I don't even know how to use a cell phone.
- Let's go clubbing, you wanna go clubbing? - Show me the phone.
- Let's go back to when we were having fun.
- Let me see the phone.
- Let me see your phone! - No! Smooth.
NlCK: I'll call you.
Nick, are you kidd-- What, do you keep the ringer on? Amateur move, man.
Yeah, I'm just in over my head.
Schmidt, I hate asking this - how do you do this? - Glory be.
Are you asking for my help? - Oh, I'm-- I'm flattered.
- Pull up.
Yank back on that yoke.
We have to face the reality of the situation: Schmidt has been having consensual sex with Cece and lying about it.
He's better than us at this, Winston, I hate it as much as you do! And, Schmidt, I hate saying this, but I might - I might respect you.
- Thank you for saying that.
You've come a long way, man.
Since my 20s, I've had a string of lesser paramours, which Iike weathered stone steps, have led me to the Hindu temple a.
k.
a.
Cece, because she's lndian.
[OVER SPEAKERS.]
Let's get it started, ha You don't have to be so gentle with me.
[SCHMlDT GRUNTS.]
SCHMlDT: All right.
That's how I like it, baby.
All right.
[CLAlRE MOANS.]
Sex, man.
It's the real stuff.
I don't know that I should help you.
You're not a player.
You're a clingy serial monogamist with Well, with a terrible metabolism.
Schmidt, I need you to teach me to be a douche bag.
- Let's get to work.
- What's happening? - Hey, babe.
- Oh, hey, Cece.
- Doing some stretches? - Good guess, model.
No, just limbering up in case I want to have sex with one of your roommates.
- Do you want some company? - What? - Want some company? - Sorry, I can't hear you.
Diane Keaton's talking about her rich life full of loyal friends.
Oh, Jess, I hate when we fight, I get so stressed out.
I mean, my eye twitch is back.
I'm eating bread, all right? - Just let me come on this run with you! JESS: No! Seriously, Jess, it was just one secret! Everybody's got secrets! Good afternoon.
My name is Mr.
Schmidt.
M- R Not even a real chalkboard.
- First of all, Nick, congrats.
- Thank you.
You're meeting a lot of young women, and for whatever reason they find you appealing.
In the restaurant of life, you've selected the tasting menu.
- I don't want to do this anymore.
- You're terrible at lying.
So, what we want to do is, we want to focus on S.
S.
V.
- Can't believe you slept with Cece.
- Short.
Simple.
- Vagina.
- Vague.
It's actually vague.
Let's apply it.
I'm one of these girls coming in, I wanna party - I'm in college.
- I'm in.
- Hey, what happened to your phone? - Jesus took it.
A Jesus hawk on a speedboat.
The environment.
Bears.
Family.
Magic.
- I need your help, Schmidt.
- Yeah.
I'm the girl, the whole objective is to get me out the front door as fast as you possibly can.
- Let's do this.
Ready? - Yeah, what's your name? My name is Janine, all right? God.
[SCHMlDT MOANS.]
- Don't make that sound.
- Good morning, Nick.
You gave it to me good last night.
Gave me the full business.
Yeah.
- This is weird.
- One of the weirder things we've done.
What you thinking, brown-eyes? Wanna grab brunch? - Sure, Janine, that sounds fun.
- God-- No! You don't wanna go grab brunch! - Damn it, Nick.
Focus.
- I'm all turned around.
- I just had sex with Janine! I have feelings! - Yeah, so you're done! I sleep with her then kick her out like she's a piece of meat? - This is the problem.
- Ask me again.
- Okay, cowboy, wanna saddle up again? - No, sweetie, I can't.
- Good, why not? - I got things to do, I got plans.
- You have work.
Plans can be canceled.
- I'm not living in a house of lies I can't do it anymore.
Is this happening too? - No, this is not happening.
- This isn't what it looks like.
Hey, look, fine.
From now on, we are going to be open and honest in this loft.
That means that I have secrets I wanna get off my chest.
- Rather not.
- Don't want to hear.
Schmidt, a couple months ago, I found Nick using your chenille throw as a napkin.
That is a micro-fiber blend from Pakistan, heathen.
Stop quoting the catalog like a weirdo.
Good.
This is healthy.
Air it out.
All right, one more.
Schmidt said that Winston is in danger of becoming a nanny for life.
He said you were going "full Poppins.
" Winston, I can see anger in your eyes-- Schmidt thinks about you when he's making love to himself.
- What? What? - One time.
I thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them.
Okay, by the way, like I'm the only one? Nick told me it happened to him, like, a bunch of times.
Winston, you told me you had a sex dream about Jess - and she had raccoon hands.
- Dreams do not count! You've all thought about me while self-completing? SCHMlDT: Yeah.
Look, Jess - Yeah.
it's not that big a deal.
Really, it's the sincerest form of flattery.
We're going back to keeping secrets.
When l walk through this door, into my room this conversation never happened.
Oh, my God! So, what did the raccoon hands look like? Oh, heh, heh.
Man, they were digging through garbage.
[JESS YELLS.]
[YAWNS.]
- Oh, my God! - Do not drink my almond milk when you spent the whole night drinking Schmidt.
Jess, why are you dressed like a Mexican wrestler? Because I don't wanna live in a world with secrets.
That means that I now know my roommates have thought about me while self-completing.
I'm wearing winter clothes until I can deal with that.
- But it's better than not knowing.
- ls it really? - Yeah, it is.
- Jess, I don't wanna fight anymore, okay? I said I was sorry.
We tell each other everything, I've never not told you something.
That's what second base means? Then I'm not a virgin anymore.
Is it weird that he wants me to talk in a deep voice and call myself Kevin? I had a dream that I killed you.
You tell me everything, all right? I stopped telling you everything, because every time I did - you got so judgmental and critical-- - What? I had to give it a try, Jess, I mean, that was the same hand that was inside Elmo.
Cece.
Okay, yeah.
You got me.
You don't have secrets, Jess, because you never do anything stupid.
- Look at me.
- With guys.
So living with Spencer for six years was not a mistake? Cece, I'm not judging you.
It's just - Schmidt? - Judging.
See what that is? No, I'm not judging until now.
Don't look at me.
Jess, would you please? A winter hat won't stop us thinking about you from time to time - when we delight ourselves.
- Oh, no.
Could you guys keep it down? I have a lady visitor.
- Hi, Nick.
- Oh, I get it.
It's actually a fantasy of mine.
Could you say the following words out loud: The ice roads are too dangerous, you're gonna have to turn back, chief.
JESS: I'm not saying that.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
NlCK: Okay.
I want my scarf, it is 62 degrees out and I'm freezing.
I have work-- I have plans, l-- - Get in there, come on.
- Can I just pay you for the scarf? - Fine.
Twenty-five dollars.
- Twenty-fi-- No, I'll just help you look for it.
WOMAN: Nick, where'd you go? - Are you kidding me? - No, no, no, it's a bear a magic bear, that's all it is, just stop.
- Hey Nick, can I have this circle scarf? - Who is this? - My scarf.
- No.
HOLLY: It's my scarf! It's mine! It's mine! LENA: No! No! Nick, I just want you to know that I am not judging you right now.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Sure.
Ladies, let's not do this.
At least not with our shirts on.
Know how many things I haven't told you? No, I don't, because apparently I don't know you at all! Are you running a 10K tomorrow? Who knows? Are you even against MS anymore? Beats me! They stopped hitting each other, they're hitting me! All right, you wanna go? This New Year's, I wasn't at my parents' house.
I was down in St.
Bart's with a guy who might be an arms dealer.
And my feet aren't wider than yours, I just told you that to make you feel better.
And when we were 10 years old, I went to the movie My Girl with Jessica P.
before I saw it with you! And I own a motorcycle! Jessica P.
? Jessica freaking P.
? - Oh, my God, are you crying under there now? - No! No! - I think you are! - No, I'm not! All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down.
Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping.
And damn it, you will not take that from me.
You, give her her scarf back.
Finders keepers is not a thing.
- You, get out of my house! - Who are you? Who am l? Who am l? Well, I am Theodore K.
Mullins and Nick is my lover on the down low.
Tell her, Nick.
Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D.
Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman.
Flesh on flesh, when the lights are off, we are all the same.
- Not true.
- Dear Lord.
Help me, Father! Get out of my house.
Get out of my house! HOLLY: I'm leaving.
- I'm out.
- Hey, can you give me a ride? - Get out.
I'm gonna stop and get a manicure, wanna come? - You told Harpo to beat me? - Bye, guys.
You want them over me? Over m-- You.
You're sweating so much it looks like rain.
And you.
You're peaking, you're at the prime of your life, that's Cece.
Get rid of the motorcycle.
Jess.
Don't act like you don't think about us when you go solo.
Okay? I don't work a 9-to-5, I'm here all day, I can hear you.
Now go away, because I'm having cereal.
[CHATTERlNG.]
[RAMONES' "l DON'T WANNA WALK AROUND WlTH YOU" PLAYlNG.]
Runners, take their marks.
I don't wanna walk around with you I don't wanna walk around with you So why do you wanna walk around me? I don't wanna walk around with you [SCREAMS.]
I don't wanna walk around with you Why do all female runners look like old German women when they run? SCHMlDT: Oh, boy, look at her glisten.
Oh, Cece.
- That sports bra's doing God's work.
- Two months.
Can't stop, I've got to beat Jess! What are you-- ? What is wrong with you, sir? That is Cece's water! You animal.
- This thing with our girls is out of control.
WlNSTON: Our girls? It makes me sad to see them fighting over me like this.
Then why are you smiling? JESS: Have you guys seen Cece? - Yeah, she's way down there - hasn't even broken a sweat.
- Jess? Okay, Jess, arms up.
Arms up, I need you long and loose like seagrass.
Moving, mov-- - Aah! - Oh! - Oh, my God, why? - I'm sorry, I'm just mad at you.
My adrenaline is going.
[JESS PANTlNG.]
- Did you make that? - What? And Cece let you wear it? What? She thought it was funny.
- Cece.
Cece! Cece! - What's that about, man? - I think the shirt's pretty funny.
- Not funny.
- Puns freak me out, you know that.
- I like it.
WOMAN 1: Nick! WOMAN 2: Nick! NlCK: I hooked up with both these girls last week.
I didn't know they knew each other.
I thought they just lived in the same apartment.
Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you tell me you hooked up with my roommate? [STAMMERS.]
Willow, I didn't call you because I had a family emergency.
Is everything okay? Yes, it is.
Megan, I didn't tell you about Willow because the moment we had was so beautiful and intense that for a second, I thought we were the only people on the planet.
Oh, okay.
- Well, we'll see you later.
- Bye.
NlCK: Bye, guys.
It worked.
- Where did that come from? - I don't know, I'm trembling, but it worked.
That was so good, my pants just got tight, Nick.
Oh, God, now I hate me as much as I've always hated you.
- Skin.
- See, I have to do this now.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
- All you have to do is not do it.
- lt works.
JESS: Cece! Cece! I can't breathe.
Cece! I know why you didn't tell me about Schmidt.
Because you like him! - What? - The shirt, Cece.
You thought the shirt he made was funny.
You obviously like him.
It's the only explanation for thinking that's funny.
Oh, my God, I think you're right.
You didn't wanna tell me because I would know and you weren't ready to admit it to yourself.
Can we say I didn't tell because I'm a total bitch? I'm way more comfortable with that.
Maybe I like Schmidt.
You-- You can't tell anyone.
- Yeah.
That's, like, a secret only I know.
- Heads up.
I'm peeing.
Oh, my God.
- Okay, come on, we've got to finish.
- Oh! No! - Oh, come on, man.
- Come on, dude.
Don't do that.
Hey, here they come! - Here they come, come on, guys! WlNSTON: Let's go! NlCK: Finish the race! Finish strong! WlNSTON: Come on, ladies.
NlCK: Come on, guys! Come on, 900! SCHMlDT: All right! NlCK: Come on, 585.
Good job, guys.
- Finish strong! [GROANlNG.]
NlCK: Winners! - Oh, man.
- Thanks for waiting, man.
- Hey, thanks for the 10 bucks.
Guess what, you guys.
My shoes are filled with blood.
Ha, ha, ha.
I think it's time to go home, a little help, come on.
I got her, I got her.
Okay, Jess, here we go.
Okay, Schmidt, grab her feet.
- All right, there we go.
- Bring her this way.
Good job, Jess.
Real proud of you.
What are you doing? Trying to make it confess? Easy with the knife, Robespierre.
I will cut off your weaker fingers, Schmidt, I'll start with your pinky.
- You guys are adorable.
- We are not adorable, okay? We're just two people having casual, successful sex.
My bad.
- [WHlSPERS.]
Please.
- All right.
I can't stand this heat.
I'm gonna get out of the kitchen.
- Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- You should really stretch, Jess.
You know, Jess thinking that we're a cute couple is I don't-- It's kind of a turn-off.
How do we explain to her that this is just-- It's just sex? [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Mm-hm.
What is that? That is shoddy worksmanship, is what that is.
I'm taking you off prep - clean the beans.
- Taking my knife.
Be careful with that knife.
It's from Japan.
Why? Why, Cece? - Why am I sleeping with Schmidt? - ls it a pity thing? Is he sick? You working for the government? He's holding you against your will.
If he is holding you against your will, blink twice.
[BLOWS.]
Blink twice.
Are you tired of being turned on? Hm? You have a mole fetish? Is it huge? Ahem.
I'm sorry, let me-- Let me rephrase that.
Is it huge?
Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready.
Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography she just filmed First Wives Club, and it's getting me pumped! - I totally forgot we were gonna run today.
- I e-mailed you three times! - Maybe you typed "g-moil" again.
- No excuses, we have to train.
We signed up for this, now we have to do it.
Why can't we just donate the money? We do we have to run the six miles first? That's a good point, but no, you're getting dressed-- No, Jess, look, I can't go, I'm super hungover right now plus, Masha had a crisis, she accidentally ate a cookie because she fell on it.
- I am devastated.
- She's devastated.
- Why don't you come running with us? - No, she definitely can't.
JESS: It's great, more money for charity! CECE: We will do it tomorrow! JESS: lt'll be so fun! [SCHMlDT SlGHS.]
I mean, that was a close one.
Good thing I'm a quiet breather I learned that as a kid playing "Who passed out?" with my mom.
- My mom always won.
- Jew in the couch.
Jew in the couch.
[NADlA CHUCKLlNG.]
- Nadia.
American manners.
- I sorry.
So Jew person in couch.
She's not wrong.
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess WOMAN: Okay.
Bye, Nick.
So you'll call me? Um, yeah.
Yeah, I'll definitely do-- [COUGHlNG.]
- Are you okay? - I'm gonna call you.
You hike? Do you hike? - Okay? Are you-- ? NlCK: This was fun.
Okay.
Okay, I'll call you tonight - to make sure you're okay.
- Please.
[CONTlNUES COUGHlNG.]
That was ridiculous.
I can't do this, Winston.
I don't know how to sleep with and for a couple of weeks, that's all I've been doing.
- What's going on with you, are you okay? - I saw something a few days ago.
Now, I've been sworn to secrecy, but it is just too big-- I know where you're going, you know I can't keep a secret, you saw me with that girl.
Thinking about secrets turns me into a Slip 'N Slide.
- You gotta help me out, I'm dying! Hey, hey! NlCK: I don't wanna know! - Come on, come on, come on, I'm dying! - I don't wanna know! I don't wanna know! Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together! Ew.
[NlCK GROANS.]
- It's happening under our roof.
- No.
- Yes.
Yes! - No! - This makes me hate things.
- I know, man, it's like up is down.
- Up is the new down, man.
- Now my back is sweating.
- All right, who knows? - Everybody but Jess.
JESS: Hey.
Hey, Jess.
Just hanging out in the hallway.
What's going on? Nothing's going on.
I'm really annoyed, Cece bailed on me again - we were supposed to train for that race-- - That is so Cece! I know.
I mean, and the weird thing is that she said she was hungover but last night, she said she didn't want to go out.
Maybe she had a guy over.
Not like that, I didn't say anything.
Think about what I said, I didn't say anything.
You have a secret.
You have a secret! Turn around.
- You turn around.
Be cool about this.
- Let me see your back.
Ew.
Gross! J'accuse, Miller! J'accuse.
- You fold like a lawn chair.
Fold.
Fold.
- You're not gonna fold me.
- Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together! - Come on! What? Oh, my God! WlNSTON: They know, Schmidt.
Sweatback? You told Sweatback? Come on, Winston! - Jess - God.
I am so sorry that you had to hear about this like this.
But can we just take a moment to celebrate me? Schmidty did it this time.
I mean, I'm having lndian every night.
- No! No! Aah! - Whoa! Whoa! Ow! Jess, I'm really sorry you found out this way.
Trust me, it wasn't some big conspiracy, just something that happened and then it got out of control, like poison oak, and I just - couldn't stop scratching it.
That's - Cece started it.
I did, I started it.
Why, Cece? Are you trying to get back at your parents? - When did it start? - Jess, I want to emphasize that we are not dating.
I can't stress that enough.
This is just sex.
- Mm-hm.
When did it start? - One-oh-three a.
m.
February 15th.
Right on schedule.
- lt was two months ago.
- Two months? Two moons have passed since you started doing it? You talk like a Native American when you're angry.
- Two moons have passed! - Just a quick side bar - we've done it in every room of the apartment.
- Ugh.
- Even my room? Oh, God.
- Just the one time.
- How long have you known? - A few days.
You didn't tell me either? Reminder, I told you seconds after I knew.
- Because you're weak, Nick.
Weak.
- Okay, I agree, just chill, stop yelling.
Jess, I want to tell you everything, what do you want to know? Cece, how would I know if you're telling the truth? Come on, Jess, are you seriously mad? No.
No.
I'm not.
I'm really glad you two are having fun.
How cool is that? For what it's worth, I think what I did was really brave.
[SlGHS.]
- Get off of me.
- Yeah.
Have you guys seen a scarf? Holly said she left it here.
It's my favorite because it's a circle, so you never have to think about which end goes on the right or the left.
My therapist gave it to me.
She's Asian but she's the nicest.
[PHONE RlNGlNG.]
- Who was that? - Nobody, just Who was that? Was it that stuck-up bitch from last night with the fake hand? - Whoa.
- No, it was no one, it was just beep, beep, beep.
It was-- I'm so old.
I don't even know how to use a cell phone.
- Let's go clubbing, you wanna go clubbing? - Show me the phone.
- Let's go back to when we were having fun.
- Let me see the phone.
- Let me see your phone! - No! Smooth.
NlCK: I'll call you.
Nick, are you kidd-- What, do you keep the ringer on? Amateur move, man.
Yeah, I'm just in over my head.
Schmidt, I hate asking this - how do you do this? - Glory be.
Are you asking for my help? - Oh, I'm-- I'm flattered.
- Pull up.
Yank back on that yoke.
We have to face the reality of the situation: Schmidt has been having consensual sex with Cece and lying about it.
He's better than us at this, Winston, I hate it as much as you do! And, Schmidt, I hate saying this, but I might - I might respect you.
- Thank you for saying that.
You've come a long way, man.
Since my 20s, I've had a string of lesser paramours, which Iike weathered stone steps, have led me to the Hindu temple a.
k.
a.
Cece, because she's lndian.
[OVER SPEAKERS.]
Let's get it started, ha You don't have to be so gentle with me.
[SCHMlDT GRUNTS.]
SCHMlDT: All right.
That's how I like it, baby.
All right.
[CLAlRE MOANS.]
Sex, man.
It's the real stuff.
I don't know that I should help you.
You're not a player.
You're a clingy serial monogamist with Well, with a terrible metabolism.
Schmidt, I need you to teach me to be a douche bag.
- Let's get to work.
- What's happening? - Hey, babe.
- Oh, hey, Cece.
- Doing some stretches? - Good guess, model.
No, just limbering up in case I want to have sex with one of your roommates.
- Do you want some company? - What? - Want some company? - Sorry, I can't hear you.
Diane Keaton's talking about her rich life full of loyal friends.
Oh, Jess, I hate when we fight, I get so stressed out.
I mean, my eye twitch is back.
I'm eating bread, all right? - Just let me come on this run with you! JESS: No! Seriously, Jess, it was just one secret! Everybody's got secrets! Good afternoon.
My name is Mr.
Schmidt.
M- R Not even a real chalkboard.
- First of all, Nick, congrats.
- Thank you.
You're meeting a lot of young women, and for whatever reason they find you appealing.
In the restaurant of life, you've selected the tasting menu.
- I don't want to do this anymore.
- You're terrible at lying.
So, what we want to do is, we want to focus on S.
S.
V.
- Can't believe you slept with Cece.
- Short.
Simple.
- Vagina.
- Vague.
It's actually vague.
Let's apply it.
I'm one of these girls coming in, I wanna party - I'm in college.
- I'm in.
- Hey, what happened to your phone? - Jesus took it.
A Jesus hawk on a speedboat.
The environment.
Bears.
Family.
Magic.
- I need your help, Schmidt.
- Yeah.
I'm the girl, the whole objective is to get me out the front door as fast as you possibly can.
- Let's do this.
Ready? - Yeah, what's your name? My name is Janine, all right? God.
[SCHMlDT MOANS.]
- Don't make that sound.
- Good morning, Nick.
You gave it to me good last night.
Gave me the full business.
Yeah.
- This is weird.
- One of the weirder things we've done.
What you thinking, brown-eyes? Wanna grab brunch? - Sure, Janine, that sounds fun.
- God-- No! You don't wanna go grab brunch! - Damn it, Nick.
Focus.
- I'm all turned around.
- I just had sex with Janine! I have feelings! - Yeah, so you're done! I sleep with her then kick her out like she's a piece of meat? - This is the problem.
- Ask me again.
- Okay, cowboy, wanna saddle up again? - No, sweetie, I can't.
- Good, why not? - I got things to do, I got plans.
- You have work.
Plans can be canceled.
- I'm not living in a house of lies I can't do it anymore.
Is this happening too? - No, this is not happening.
- This isn't what it looks like.
Hey, look, fine.
From now on, we are going to be open and honest in this loft.
That means that I have secrets I wanna get off my chest.
- Rather not.
- Don't want to hear.
Schmidt, a couple months ago, I found Nick using your chenille throw as a napkin.
That is a micro-fiber blend from Pakistan, heathen.
Stop quoting the catalog like a weirdo.
Good.
This is healthy.
Air it out.
All right, one more.
Schmidt said that Winston is in danger of becoming a nanny for life.
He said you were going "full Poppins.
" Winston, I can see anger in your eyes-- Schmidt thinks about you when he's making love to himself.
- What? What? - One time.
I thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them.
Okay, by the way, like I'm the only one? Nick told me it happened to him, like, a bunch of times.
Winston, you told me you had a sex dream about Jess - and she had raccoon hands.
- Dreams do not count! You've all thought about me while self-completing? SCHMlDT: Yeah.
Look, Jess - Yeah.
it's not that big a deal.
Really, it's the sincerest form of flattery.
We're going back to keeping secrets.
When l walk through this door, into my room this conversation never happened.
Oh, my God! So, what did the raccoon hands look like? Oh, heh, heh.
Man, they were digging through garbage.
[JESS YELLS.]
[YAWNS.]
- Oh, my God! - Do not drink my almond milk when you spent the whole night drinking Schmidt.
Jess, why are you dressed like a Mexican wrestler? Because I don't wanna live in a world with secrets.
That means that I now know my roommates have thought about me while self-completing.
I'm wearing winter clothes until I can deal with that.
- But it's better than not knowing.
- ls it really? - Yeah, it is.
- Jess, I don't wanna fight anymore, okay? I said I was sorry.
We tell each other everything, I've never not told you something.
That's what second base means? Then I'm not a virgin anymore.
Is it weird that he wants me to talk in a deep voice and call myself Kevin? I had a dream that I killed you.
You tell me everything, all right? I stopped telling you everything, because every time I did - you got so judgmental and critical-- - What? I had to give it a try, Jess, I mean, that was the same hand that was inside Elmo.
Cece.
Okay, yeah.
You got me.
You don't have secrets, Jess, because you never do anything stupid.
- Look at me.
- With guys.
So living with Spencer for six years was not a mistake? Cece, I'm not judging you.
It's just - Schmidt? - Judging.
See what that is? No, I'm not judging until now.
Don't look at me.
Jess, would you please? A winter hat won't stop us thinking about you from time to time - when we delight ourselves.
- Oh, no.
Could you guys keep it down? I have a lady visitor.
- Hi, Nick.
- Oh, I get it.
It's actually a fantasy of mine.
Could you say the following words out loud: The ice roads are too dangerous, you're gonna have to turn back, chief.
JESS: I'm not saying that.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
NlCK: Okay.
I want my scarf, it is 62 degrees out and I'm freezing.
I have work-- I have plans, l-- - Get in there, come on.
- Can I just pay you for the scarf? - Fine.
Twenty-five dollars.
- Twenty-fi-- No, I'll just help you look for it.
WOMAN: Nick, where'd you go? - Are you kidding me? - No, no, no, it's a bear a magic bear, that's all it is, just stop.
- Hey Nick, can I have this circle scarf? - Who is this? - My scarf.
- No.
HOLLY: It's my scarf! It's mine! It's mine! LENA: No! No! Nick, I just want you to know that I am not judging you right now.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Sure.
Ladies, let's not do this.
At least not with our shirts on.
Know how many things I haven't told you? No, I don't, because apparently I don't know you at all! Are you running a 10K tomorrow? Who knows? Are you even against MS anymore? Beats me! They stopped hitting each other, they're hitting me! All right, you wanna go? This New Year's, I wasn't at my parents' house.
I was down in St.
Bart's with a guy who might be an arms dealer.
And my feet aren't wider than yours, I just told you that to make you feel better.
And when we were 10 years old, I went to the movie My Girl with Jessica P.
before I saw it with you! And I own a motorcycle! Jessica P.
? Jessica freaking P.
? - Oh, my God, are you crying under there now? - No! No! - I think you are! - No, I'm not! All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down.
Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping.
And damn it, you will not take that from me.
You, give her her scarf back.
Finders keepers is not a thing.
- You, get out of my house! - Who are you? Who am l? Who am l? Well, I am Theodore K.
Mullins and Nick is my lover on the down low.
Tell her, Nick.
Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D.
Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman.
Flesh on flesh, when the lights are off, we are all the same.
- Not true.
- Dear Lord.
Help me, Father! Get out of my house.
Get out of my house! HOLLY: I'm leaving.
- I'm out.
- Hey, can you give me a ride? - Get out.
I'm gonna stop and get a manicure, wanna come? - You told Harpo to beat me? - Bye, guys.
You want them over me? Over m-- You.
You're sweating so much it looks like rain.
And you.
You're peaking, you're at the prime of your life, that's Cece.
Get rid of the motorcycle.
Jess.
Don't act like you don't think about us when you go solo.
Okay? I don't work a 9-to-5, I'm here all day, I can hear you.
Now go away, because I'm having cereal.
[CHATTERlNG.]
[RAMONES' "l DON'T WANNA WALK AROUND WlTH YOU" PLAYlNG.]
Runners, take their marks.
I don't wanna walk around with you I don't wanna walk around with you So why do you wanna walk around me? I don't wanna walk around with you [SCREAMS.]
I don't wanna walk around with you Why do all female runners look like old German women when they run? SCHMlDT: Oh, boy, look at her glisten.
Oh, Cece.
- That sports bra's doing God's work.
- Two months.
Can't stop, I've got to beat Jess! What are you-- ? What is wrong with you, sir? That is Cece's water! You animal.
- This thing with our girls is out of control.
WlNSTON: Our girls? It makes me sad to see them fighting over me like this.
Then why are you smiling? JESS: Have you guys seen Cece? - Yeah, she's way down there - hasn't even broken a sweat.
- Jess? Okay, Jess, arms up.
Arms up, I need you long and loose like seagrass.
Moving, mov-- - Aah! - Oh! - Oh, my God, why? - I'm sorry, I'm just mad at you.
My adrenaline is going.
[JESS PANTlNG.]
- Did you make that? - What? And Cece let you wear it? What? She thought it was funny.
- Cece.
Cece! Cece! - What's that about, man? - I think the shirt's pretty funny.
- Not funny.
- Puns freak me out, you know that.
- I like it.
WOMAN 1: Nick! WOMAN 2: Nick! NlCK: I hooked up with both these girls last week.
I didn't know they knew each other.
I thought they just lived in the same apartment.
Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you tell me you hooked up with my roommate? [STAMMERS.]
Willow, I didn't call you because I had a family emergency.
Is everything okay? Yes, it is.
Megan, I didn't tell you about Willow because the moment we had was so beautiful and intense that for a second, I thought we were the only people on the planet.
Oh, okay.
- Well, we'll see you later.
- Bye.
NlCK: Bye, guys.
It worked.
- Where did that come from? - I don't know, I'm trembling, but it worked.
That was so good, my pants just got tight, Nick.
Oh, God, now I hate me as much as I've always hated you.
- Skin.
- See, I have to do this now.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
- All you have to do is not do it.
- lt works.
JESS: Cece! Cece! I can't breathe.
Cece! I know why you didn't tell me about Schmidt.
Because you like him! - What? - The shirt, Cece.
You thought the shirt he made was funny.
You obviously like him.
It's the only explanation for thinking that's funny.
Oh, my God, I think you're right.
You didn't wanna tell me because I would know and you weren't ready to admit it to yourself.
Can we say I didn't tell because I'm a total bitch? I'm way more comfortable with that.
Maybe I like Schmidt.
You-- You can't tell anyone.
- Yeah.
That's, like, a secret only I know.
- Heads up.
I'm peeing.
Oh, my God.
- Okay, come on, we've got to finish.
- Oh! No! - Oh, come on, man.
- Come on, dude.
Don't do that.
Hey, here they come! - Here they come, come on, guys! WlNSTON: Let's go! NlCK: Finish the race! Finish strong! WlNSTON: Come on, ladies.
NlCK: Come on, guys! Come on, 900! SCHMlDT: All right! NlCK: Come on, 585.
Good job, guys.
- Finish strong! [GROANlNG.]
NlCK: Winners! - Oh, man.
- Thanks for waiting, man.
- Hey, thanks for the 10 bucks.
Guess what, you guys.
My shoes are filled with blood.
Ha, ha, ha.
I think it's time to go home, a little help, come on.
I got her, I got her.
Okay, Jess, here we go.
Okay, Schmidt, grab her feet.
- All right, there we go.
- Bring her this way.
Good job, Jess.
Real proud of you.
What are you doing? Trying to make it confess? Easy with the knife, Robespierre.
I will cut off your weaker fingers, Schmidt, I'll start with your pinky.
- You guys are adorable.
- We are not adorable, okay? We're just two people having casual, successful sex.
My bad.
- [WHlSPERS.]
Please.
- All right.
I can't stand this heat.
I'm gonna get out of the kitchen.
- Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- You should really stretch, Jess.
You know, Jess thinking that we're a cute couple is I don't-- It's kind of a turn-off.
How do we explain to her that this is just-- It's just sex? [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Mm-hm.
What is that? That is shoddy worksmanship, is what that is.
I'm taking you off prep - clean the beans.
- Taking my knife.
Be careful with that knife.
It's from Japan.
Why? Why, Cece? - Why am I sleeping with Schmidt? - ls it a pity thing? Is he sick? You working for the government? He's holding you against your will.
If he is holding you against your will, blink twice.
[BLOWS.]
Blink twice.
Are you tired of being turned on? Hm? You have a mole fetish? Is it huge? Ahem.
I'm sorry, let me-- Let me rephrase that.
Is it huge?