Raising Hope s01e19 Episode Script

Hola! You want to join my fight club? We'll meet in the storage room after hours and have it out, man style.
Isn't the first rule of fight club "Don't talk about fight club"? Yeah, I tried that approach.
You, me Apparently, it's nearly impossible to start a fight club without talking about fight club.
Yeah, they do kind of gloss over that in the movie.
Look.
Jimmy, your girlfriend's here.
We went out a couple of times.
I wouldn't really call her my Jimmy! Can't stay long.
Here's the info for the art class.
And come early, or you're gonna get stuck drawing by the lady with the weird body noises.
We call her "Georgia O'Queefe.
" Yeah.
Yeah, you'd have to.
Seems like quite a firecracker.
You sure you can handle all that bang? Yes, I'm sure I can handle her just fine.
Let's talk about something else, please.
Come on.
What? You can't talk to me about girls? It's weird to talk to a girl about girls.
Why is it weird? We're friends, right? I should be able to talk to you about Wyatt, and you should be able to talk to me about whoever it is you're dating.
No.
You're right.
I guess I can do it.
I guess.
Well, good.
So, I got Wyatt this body-shaving kit for his birthday, and Done.
We're done.
All done.
Here we go, oh, oh, oh Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh Birth control, no, no, no Let it roll, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Having rich friends is awesome.
It's like getting to take whatever you want from the pawn shop.
You guys really letting go of this long, skinny sunset painting? My snowboard? That's why it curls up at the end.
Still makes a nice painting.
I'll go lie down with her till she falls asleep.
This baby's killing us.
Jimmy's working and dating, so she's in our bed every night.
She's invading my dreams.
You know how hard it is to mow Eddie Van Halen's lawn while dealing with a crying baby? You know, we had the same problem with Justin.
We always let him come into our bed when he was scared, all the way to junior high school.
The only good part was, I was never late for work again.
Nothing motivates you to get out of bed like seeing your 12-year-old son's morning wood.
You know, we didn't want the same thing to happen with our grandson, so we just let him cry it out.
Wait, wait, wait.
You just let the baby cry? It teaches them how to self-soothe and handle their own fears.
Hell, Chinese moms don't even give the kid a pillow.
Yeah, they just throw a violin and a laptop in the crib and say, "Learn it by morning, donkey.
" I mean, that's why the Chinese are beating us at everything.
You know, and now the Mexicans are outworking us all.
I'm telling you, the future is a big old mess is what it is.
It's a big old mess.
- It'll work out.
- I don't know.
It'll be okay.
It'll be okay.
I can't believe Sylvia was giving away these nails.
I feel so glamorous.
Like a senator's mistress.
Won't they make doing stuff hard? Well, I'm not gonna wear 'em while I'm working.
But they work fine at home.
Guys, listen up.
I just bought this book that Donovan and Sylvia told me about.
You guys have to read it.
It's gonna blow everybody's mind.
It's blowing everybody's mind that you bought a book.
So I'm supposed to just ignore my baby while she cries in the crib? Yeah.
Look, it's written by a doctor.
A doctor who wrote a book.
You are not going to scar this baby by letting her cry and feel abandoned.
That's how Charlie Manson got started.
Not that I know, but one would assume.
But do we want to mess her up the way we messed up Jimmy? - I'm not messed up.
- You're not not messed up.
You crawled into our bed once a week until you were old enough to drive.
I had night terrors.
Oh, yeah, the Doghead Man.
Damn it, Mom! When he hears his name, that's when he comes after you.
Not that he exists.
If we'd have made him more independent as a baby, he might not be so scared of Doghead Man.
Where did Doghead Man come from? Please, just stop saying it.
I don't know.
It just kind of started one day.
That crazy Doghead Man lives in my closet, and eats little boys who go through my stuff.
He also eats tattletales, so keep your trap shut! We never sleep-trained him as a baby, so he never faced any fears alone.
That's why he's never slept more than four feet from us his entire life.
Oh, I've been on sleepovers.
You've been on "hang out till 10:00, start crying, then make us come pick you up" overs.
We made him a wuss.
Every time he got in trouble, he knew Mommy and Daddy were just a holler away.
Help! Help! Help! Are you aware that you're going to hell, sir? Help! Wow.
I don't want Hope to be helpless like that.
But I could never listen to her cry for hours.
Course you couldn't.
'Cause we made you a wuss! You guys, keep it down.
I'm calling the department store.
I can't hear! I bet you Jeffrey Dahmer was left in the crib.
And the BLT Killer.
And Tyra Banks.
Uh-uh.
We're doing it.
Hope is my kid.
I'm the dad.
I'm the one that makes the tough decisions.
Yeah.
But you'll do the training, right? It'll kill me to hear her cry that much.
What? You're the ones who made me a wuss.
Is this Montgomery Ward? I'd like to order a peppermill.
I can't find mine.
Grab an easel.
I'll be back in a minute.
Cool.
I will save you a spot.
Hey, Jimmy.
Rosa.
Hey.
I didn't know you were into art.
Uh, it's okay.
You mind if I work next to you? That one over there makes lady noises when she leans over to draw.
- Yeah, I heard about her.
- Mmm-hmm.
But I'm saving this spot for the girl I came in with.
We're on a date, so I am sorry.
Aw! That's so sweet.
You know, Carlos and I used to make jewelry together, but now he just does his stupid video games, so I take these classes and cheat on him in my mind.
Good evening, Clifford.
Hello.
Well, uh, I'm just glad that my date's into art, 'cause I think it's really cool that we have something in common.
Jimmy, you look so freaked out, like a deer caught in his girlfriend's high beams.
I'm not freaked out.
I always figured the first time I saw her naked would be with a bunch of strangers and my mom's boss.
Hold on, folks.
I forgot to stretch first.
She was just waving her woo-hoo around for everybody to see? She sounds like a whole lot of woman, Jimmy.
You may be in over your head, like when you volunteered for Big Brothers, and that 10-year-old kicked your ass.
Hey, I got a couple good shots in.
No, you didn't.
It's not your fault.
We made you a wuss.
Fine.
I'm not super macho, but why do people keep acting like I'm some uptight choirboy? If you're not uptight, then why did you draw a bikini on your naked girlfriend? Yeah.
Thanks for ruining the picture.
Hey, I am not some lightweight who's never raised hell.
I dated a serial killer.
I can date this girl.
In fact, we're going out tonight.
You only dated a serial killer for one night and she would have killed you if we hadn't knocked her out with the TV.
We? I knocked out the serial killer.
Why must you refuse to share that glory? Burt, I'm a maid.
I have no surplus glory I can share.
Sabrina, I need an odd little favor.
Would you be willing to punch me in the face? You can stay clocked in.
Excuse me? Well, I'm planning on joining Frank's fight club.
Membership doubled.
But here's the thing.
I've never been hit.
I was hoping to start with somebody petite.
Barney, please don't do fight club.
You will lose so bad.
It's not about winning or losing.
It's about for once not worrying about things like store profits or how much to bid on vintage crocheted doll sweaters online.
I want to feel primal and real and alive.
When you taste blood in your mouth, you're tasting your manhood.
I'd hate to keep you from tasting manhood.
Barney, I'm I'm not gonna punch you.
I like you too much.
It's weird.
Great.
Then I'm just gonna have to bite my own lip.
I'll bite your lip.
Screaming, screaming, screaming, screaming "Find a distraction.
" Find Damn.
Nothing? I must have pushed down too hard with the eraser.
I can't take it, Virginia! I can't take it, Virginia! You started this whole thing.
You need to finish it.
Now, get back in there! Hey, I'm calling the cops if you guys don't shut up! You shut up, Norman! We had to put up with your crying after your wife finally left you.
Wow.
This is the craziest restaurant I've ever seen.
It's not officially a restaurant.
It's my friend Alejandro's house.
Oh! Then I guess the Hard Rock Cafe is still the craziest restaurant I've ever seen.
Alejandro's under house arrest.
He's a great chef, but a terrible counterfeiter.
Oh, hey, that's me and DJ Mr.
Singh.
Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, he seems like a friendly fella.
Hey! Zoe! And Zoe's man-boy.
Alejandro, this is Jimmy.
He's very handsome.
Does he have a name? Jimmy.
She sorta just said that.
Oh, my God.
I love this jacket.
I have to have this jacket.
I'll give you $100 for this jacket.
This has a picture of a monkey on it.
We did it.
Oh! This is your fault.
You're the one who came back there, telling me about all the misery she was in.
Put the baby down.
Hey.
Meet Kevin.
We'll be eating him tonight.
Accompanied by some very special Incan tea.
That's what the Incans drink to worship their sun god.
Uh, yeah.
I'm more of a God-God worshipper.
Don't be afraid to try the tea.
Whoa.
Okay.
I'm not afraid.
I can hang with the tea.
You know, on a dare once, I snorted an entire packet of Pop Rocks.
Yeah.
I couldn't take it, knowing she was in there screaming.
But Hope was so close to a breakthrough with emotional conditioning where she'd be comfortable with self-soothing.
Wow.
You really did read that book.
Actually, that was just on the back cover.
Can one of you help me take the batteries out of this doll? You have to take Maw Maw and go.
Wait, I think I found out where they are.
Give me the girl.
Kevin was delicious.
Wow.
Thank you.
It's the tea.
It makes everything delicious.
I was going to make you a homemade butterscotch pudding for dessert, but I'm out of butter and I drank all the scotch.
We can get that stuff from Jimmy's store.
No, but the store closed, like, an hour ago.
Don't you have a key? Yeah.
So we'll go there and get the ingredients.
We'll leave money, so it won't even be stealing.
Okay.
Wow.
You guys are making a lot of sense right now.
But we should walk.
I'm pretty sure even the Incans couldn't drive after drinking this tea.
How lucid are you right now? Oh, I'd give it a good seven or eight.
Why? What do you think about letting a little baby cry herself to sleep? Wilfred was a fan.
He tried to sleep-train Virginia when she was a baby.
I'm Virginia.
Okay, I'm a six.
Anyway, Wilfred tried to sleep-train Somebody.
But I never helped.
So he'd always give up.
- He gave up? - Which stinks.
The girl is still living with me.
She's very clingy.
I hate it.
I hope it's not you.
Where are we going? To help my husband be strong.
Does it feel like you have a tail, too? 'Cause I feel like I have a tail.
You might want to make sure you're not pooping.
The tea can do that.
No.
I think I'm cool.
Whoa.
I can see in the dark.
Do you have night vision, too? That was just Mr.
Singh turning on the lights.
Store closed.
Free stuff! Oh, my God.
What's wrong? Is there a giant snake around my neck? Oh, man.
You are totally in tea phase.
The first time is always the best.
Yeah This is awesome.
What happened? You okay? She did it.
She's asleep.
I'm so, so proud of that little trouper.
And it felt great to trust that she'd have the strength to pull it off and then have her step up and do it.
Oh, this is just the beginning.
I'm gonna read more book covers.
You should have made me stay and be strong so I could feel this, too.
I could be sharing in this glory.
You got to hit the serial killer with the TV, remember? It's my turn to shine.
Have you seen Mr.
Singh? We're playing tag.
Shh! I just heard Hope crying.
She's in the store somewhere.
Free stuff! There he is.
It's okay, honey.
Daddy's right here.
That's it.
Daddy, you're hallucinating.
I think it's time you called your mommy.
Love you.
- Hello? - Mom? I drank this Inca tea, and now I'm seeing all these crazy things.
Oh, boy.
Where are you? The grocery store.
Okay.
Stay calm.
Mom? Did you put a store in our yard? Hey.
What's going on? Jimmy said he drank some kind of weird tea and now he's tripping his nads off.
Answer me.
Did you Hey, buddy.
Just drink some water.
Your daughter toughed it out tonight, and so can you.
No, just check the back door, and tell me if you see me.
Deal with your crisis, Son.
Why did you hang up on him? Because he has to finally face some fears on his own.
Whoa.
Jimmy, everything all right? You okay? Oh! I just want to go home and see my mommy.
Did you just say your "mommy"? No! Shut up! All right, look, I just want this night to be over.
James? You guys here for fight club? Cool.
Inca tea, man.
Drank plenty of that when I worked in Chile.
One time it made me think I was a great white shark for an entire day.
Bit four people.
I just want to be home in my bed.
You'll be there in a few minutes.
Everything's okay now.
Crazy Doghead Man! Come on, James.
It's the tea talking.
Great white shark, remember? James, get in the car.
No! Get away! Help! Let me in! Oh, the crazy Doghead Man is after me! Please! He's freaking out.
We got to let him in.
Stay strong.
This is your chance to do what I did with Hope.
Please let me in! He'll be fine.
And just think how proud you're gonna be of yourself.
You're right.
It's just so hard.
Hang in there! Self-soothe! You're so close to your emotional conditioning breakthrough! Dad! Mom! Please! Deal with your crisis! I love you! James, calm down.
Go away, Doghead Man.
And never come back.
Finally.
The taste of blood.
Thank you, James.
I feel so alive! Morning, baby.
You did it.
You faced your demons and got through the night by yourself.
Yeah, you're still only 35 feet from our bed, but that's more than four feet.
Yeah.
It's a start.
I'm glad you took care of yourself.
And now that you're up, Hope's got a few demons in her diaper you might want to face.
- Still recovering, huh? - Yeah.
So, Zoe Yeah.
That's kind of done.
Not that she was too wild for me to handle.
It's just that once I got to know her, she's just too much of a crazy, inconsiderate, possibly drug-addicted tramp.
But great girl.
Before all this tea wears off, you should watch Wizard of Oz and play Dark Side Of The Moon at the same time.
It will blow your mind.
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