Single Parents (2018) s01e19 Episode Script

1 Okay, Jan.
Wow.
What am I looking at? I call it "Jan vs.
Predator.
" - Hm.
And who comes out on top? - Predator.
Thanks so much, Jan.
Blech! Feels like I'm trapped in "Antiques Roadshow: Harrisburg.
" Oh, thank God! A friend! Here to bail me out with the perfect, unique, well-thought-out donation.
- Steak knives? Wow.
- I'm sorry.
Work has just gotten so crazy, I didn't have time to curate one of my signature silent auction baskets.
And I'm not going to donate a non-curated basket.
Give the man a break.
He does the weather every time Guy McCormick is sick.
And, let's face it, he's sick, like, three times a week.
"Sick"? Please.
The man drinks.
Mr.
McCormick has checked into a facility.
That's all I'm allowed to say.
But it does mean that I'm going to be doing the weather for the next 28 nights.
Will, I'm very happy that you've become a local celebrity.
- No! - But that doesn't help me right now.
Right now, what I need from you is an auction item.
Are you blind? Will is the item! Celebrity is the most precious metal we have.
It's our Vibranium! You mean I'm like Black Panther? - BOTH: No.
- Sorry.
It was in front of my face the whole time.
Will, you are the item! Can I put you in the auction? You mean like be someone's butler for a month? Sure.
No, but it's weird that you'd be okay with that.
I mean a lunch.
A meal with a local 10:00 P.
M.
fill-in weatherman could be just the pop this auction needs.
Maybe.
I mean, my star is on the rise.
Finally got my own lapel mic, unlimited access to the green screen, and I'm really honing in on my on-air laugh.
Ah ha ha ha ha! Back to you, Julie.
- I'm in! - Yes! Blank CDs? Unh-unh.
Keep walking.
Don't even set those down.
Do better, Celeste! "Gift card balance unknown.
" - D'Amato, you donated this? - Yeah.
I have no idea how much is on there.
Could be $250, could be $12.
That's what makes it so exciting - to bid on! - Yeah.
I'm jealous of everyone here.
- What'd you donate? - This.
I can't wait to see what someone's willing to pay for $100.
Oh, well, if the bidding's low, I'm gonna jump in.
Today I got the news that every parent dreads most.
I have signed up to participate in the sport of ice hockey.
[Scoffs.]
It's the most expensive sport on the plant, unless you count fencing, which I don't.
Yeah, diving's the dream.
No gear of any kind.
It's 1/5 of a normal sports uniform.
[Sighs.]
Just a Speedo and a towel.
And I already have towels.
Listen, if Pee-Wee Sports is driving you to financial ruin, then you're doing something wrong.
Let's take a look at your budget.
If you even have one.
I'm a single mother living in the second most expensive city in the country.
I budget.
I budget hard.
WILL: Hey.
Am I allowed to be here? I mean, what are the rules? Is it like a candidate not being allowed within 100 feet of a polling place or Wait, nobody's bid on me yet? The auction just started, and no one goes near the big-ticket items until they're at least two Cabs deep.
And you're a big-ticket item.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
You hear that? We're the big-ticket item.
All right, Dad.
Self-directed pep talk over.
Take a lap.
Yeah, yeah, a lap.
That's a good idea.
[Whispering.]
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
My dad's self-esteem pendulum is very lubricated.
It swings far and fast in both directions.
And now that he's on TV, it's even worse.
Sophie, the promo's starting! It's starting! ANNOUNCER: Who is KZOP at 10:00? It's news with anchor Julie Fong-Nunez! Investigative journalism with Loni McGraw! "What's Yummy Now?" with Chef Martin Bullrock@ Sports with Chet Corners! And weather! KZOP at 10:00.
We got you.
Leave me.
Ooh, I love that sun.
You can tell by his sunglasses that he's nasty.
That sun made my dad cry.
Poppy, someone has to bid on him.
This isn't just a silent auction.
This is a man's life.
You're right.
Crap.
Garbage.
Trash.
Garbage.
Yoga pants for a dog?! Stop dressing your dogs, America.
Dogs should be naked.
What do we have here? [Gasps.]
Oh, my gosh, you poor thing.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
It's okay.
It's okay.
You don't have to be scared anymore.
I will make you fly again.
Do you girls have any idea what this is? A hat.
A hat? A hat?! This is a beret.
French sophistication distilled into one timeless piece of headwear.
And it will be mine.
Miggy, shut up.
This is important.
I need an adult to bid on this beret for me.
That thing? Why? Geez, Grandpa.
Because, like Monica Lewinsky, K-pop singer Min-ho, and Jack Nicholson as the Joker, I have style.
You don't.
I adopt early.
You don't.
I lead, and you have no taste.
If you're gonna be mean about it, forget it.
- Your mom can bid on it.
- Please? - Fine.
- Follow me, girls.
Jocelyn's dad is auctioning one of his "ceramics," and I have thoughts.
Okay, rent looks good.
What is this tab labeled? That's my convenience tax.
I can't touch that.
What's a convenience tax? It's money I spend to make my life a little easier.
I I'm too busy juggling Graham and my full-time job and all my hobbies, like breathing and sleeping and drinking water, so sometimes I pay a little more for certain necessities.
What kind of necessity? Like food? Delivery, yep.
Lots of food delivery, some expedited shipping.
Maybe I'll park in a red zone here or there or here again.
But trust me, it's all very, very necessary.
Uh-huh.
Is it necessary to pay $8 for a quart of gas station milk? If all I need is gas and milk, I'm not making two stops.
Yeah, but it's just not milk.
You're paying gas station prices for toilet paper, batteries salsa? Hey, when the grocery store starts selling gas, they'll start seeing my salsa dollars again.
O-Okay, I can't take this anymore.
I'm gonna show you how to turn your "convenience tax" into hockey pads.
But I'm gonna have to take over your life.
Fine.
My life is all yours.
But I must warn you there's this guy in my life that's gonna be a real pain in your ass.
His name is Douglas.
You worked hard for that one.
I'm gonna let you enjoy it.
[Panting.]
All right, did two laps a counterclockwise and a clockwise.
I just don't want to overdevelop one thigh.
Well, I hope those symmetrical thighs are ready to sit down and have lunch with an adoring fan, because you are getting a lot of bids.
Really? I am? Oh, that's such a relief.
Okay, so, how much am I going for? Three figures? Four? What's the gender breakdown? You know what? La, la, la, la, la, la! I don't want to know.
[Laughs.]
- Lap.
- That's a good idea.
He hasn't gotten a single bid.
What if we change it to "Lunch and Hike with KZOP's Will Cooper, Who Will Also Hand Detail Your Car"? Or "Lunch and a dot, dot, dot, question mark"? Kind of implying that it starts with lunch, but where it goes from there is unwritten.
Ew! You're talking about my father.
Sorry.
It's just really easy to forget that you're a child sometimes.
[Snaps fingers.]
I know.
I'll just bid on him.
Hm? No! That's a pity bid! We need a real person to win this thing.
MAN ON P.
A.
: Final bids, please.
- Final bids.
- Oh, God, I'm blanking! I can't think of a single real person who isn't me.
- Who should I put down? - Someone who eats lunch and can act like a fan of KZOP's Will Cooper.
- I don't know any actors! - [Sighs.]
Actually wait a minute.
Dr.
Biscuits, have I got a role for you.
I'm listening.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry, Ms.
Banks.
I won't play a fan.
Oh, please, Dr.
Biscuits.
I I will play a superfan! Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Now, his daughter goes to school here, so you've probably already met.
But I was thinking that you could say Ah, ah! I will work out my own backstory, thank you.
Okay.
Sorry.
Well, I guess all you need to know is that his name is Ah, ah! I will do my own research, thank you.
Okay.
Well, is there anything you need from me at all or I need an item of his clothing, recently worn.
Or a photograph.
I got a photo of him on my phone.
[Chuckles.]
Please, print it out.
Place it in an unmarked manilla envelope on the windscreen of the car bearing this bumper-plate number in precisely one week from today.
There's a printer outside, so I'll just slide it under your door.
Thank you so much.
[Sighs.]
Very well! DOUGLAS: You know, when I was in med school, I always prided myself on being as fiscally anal as I was poor.
They used to call me "Nurse Spreadsheets.
" Ohhhhh! Right, my budget thing.
For a second there, I totally forgot why you were here.
You want some coffee? I'd love coffee.
Great.
Thought we wanted coffee.
We do.
Yeah, coffee comes from the coffee place.
Yes, it does.
Three times a day, at $6 a pop.
Oh, hello, teachable moment.
No.
No! I-I-I I need my coffee place.
It's on the way from here to school and on the way from school to work and on the way from work to here.
It's a miracle of geography, and it's what makes my life possible.
Okay, well, look at this, huh? - [Gasps.]
- [Groans.]
No, but this takes so long! And at my coffee place, I have a barista, Trish, and she always has my latte waiting for me.
I'm your Trish now.
[Sighs.]
You guys should be free to roll around on the floor of my car.
We're breaking their spirit! Pennies belong in a bank or dumped in a tube sock and used for self-defense.
Hockey pads, hockey pads, h-h-hockey pads.
Six pairs of the same sunglasses? I'm gonna lose half of them.
You always have more sunglasses than you need because some of them aren't gonna make it.
Like with babies at the turn of the century.
You did a great job.
- [Gags.]
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Just gonna be you today, champ? - [Sighs.]
Champ?! Don't you know who this is? This is KZOP's Will Cooper! Now, how about you get us the two most expensive things on the menu? Both for him.
I'm too nervous to eat.
- Dr.
Biscuits? - Yes.
I didn't know you were a fan.
- I'm not.
- Oh.
I'm a superfan.
[Laughs.]
But at school, you've never mentioned Oh! I don't care about me.
I care about three things you, the weather, and where they overlap.
Go.
All right.
Where would you like to start? Denver Presbyterian Hospital, May 6, 1983, 8:45 A.
M.
Bud and Lucile Cooper welcome into the world a beautiful 7-pound, 5-ounce baby boy.
The high was 68, the low, 40.
- With a mild chance of hail.
- Mild chance of hail.
Wow.
Never stop talking to me.
[Doorbell rings.]
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Come on in.
But please, keep your shoes on.
I've just always wanted to say that.
[Laughs.]
Refresh my memory.
Who did you say outbid me for the beret? Anonymous.
They're anonymous.
Why would someone who wanted to remain anonymous buy the most eye-catching hat civilization has ever produced? - They wouldn't.
- Doesn't add up.
Easy.
See, they're shy with names but not with hats.
- You feel me? - Or they want to get caught.
Care to explain what you're doing here, other than dying of thirst? Miggy, why would you do this? 'Cause you said I have no taste.
I should've known.
Curse of the trendsetter everything you love will be ruined by normos.
[Snaps fingers.]
Find her! Remember our orders! The beret must not be harmed! Daah! Oh! Oh, God! Oh! No, please! Ah! [Grunts.]
Ah! I tap.
[High-pitched.]
I tap! [Sighs.]
Next time, I won't be so kind.
Thank you? Thief! You suck! That beret needs me! - Let's get to work.
- [Pounding on door.]
I'll get it back! You don't deserve that beret! Sleep with your eyes open! I still don't understand.
Dad knows Dr.
Biscuits.
- Is he in a disguise? - Nope.
Costume, maybe.
Could be some props.
But Biscuits is playing himself just himself as a Will Cooper superfan.
[Clicks tongue.]
Biscuits is an amazing actor.
- What's he been in? - I don't know.
WILL: Good evening.
Yes Will Cooper.
I know.
Hey, Poppy.
Bloody Mary with bacon and a tiny burger on the straw.
[Clicks tongue.]
We don't have those.
Can't believe I used to come here.
- So fun lunch? - Fun? Um, it was revelatory.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, no.
I've been spotted.
Hey.
You're why I do it.
Okay, you weren't kidding about your dad's self-esteem pendulum.
One lunch, and now he's ordering straw burgers? I'm starting to think this Biscuits thing was a mistake.
- Well, there's no going back now.
- Why not? Do you not understand pendulums? If my dad finds out the truth, he'll swing back even harder in the other direction.
He could turn in his trench coat and leave the weather biz forever.
Trench coat? Who's still wearing trench coats? He needs to get rid of that anyway.
- You guys whispering about me? - [Gasps.]
Yes, yes.
Great.
Let's keep the convo there and drill down.
See, the thing about me is, I don't have a fan.
I have a superfan! In fact, I have a lot of them.
They have a group text.
Guess what they text about.
Me! People love me! But for some reason, I still don't have my own office and I have to park in the overflow lot and I was bumped from the promo for a cartoon sun.
You know what? I'm gonna call KZOP right now, and I am going to demand - [Line ringing.]
- that they re-shoot the promo and give my superfans what they want me! And if they say no, I'll quit.
- [Cellphone beeps.]
- Sophie! Great.
Now Tracy Fries is gonna have a missed call from me.
How am I gonna explain that? I'm sorry, Dad.
But your superfan, he's not real.
Will, I wrote Biscuits' name down in a panic, and I asked him to play the role of your superfan.
I am so sorry.
Oh.
I see.
Well, I have just gone from experiencing a high of euphoria to a low of now.
Back to you, Julie.
[Cellphone buzzes.]
[Exhales sharply.]
[Cellphone beeps.]
Tracy Fries? Yeah, yeah, no, I called.
Just to say how much I've been enjoying the overflow lot.
Nah, it couldn't wait.
Ugh.
What a day! I can't believe how much money I was giving that kid next door to take my trash cans in.
- Yeah, it felt good to make him cry.
- [Keys clatter.]
Now that he's off the books, Graham can play hockey in pads that he'll outgrow in a month.
Douglas, I could never have done this without you forcing me to do this.
Thank you.
[Doorbell rings.]
Welcome to my home.
How may I help you? Angie.
W-What's happening? I ordered you a treat to say thank you for teaching me how to be financially responsible.
- How much were these? - [Scoffs.]
It's not important.
- $28.
- Wh ah I-I'm not eating a $14 cupcake! We want to return those.
Have you learned nothing?! Relax, Douglas.
We made so much money today! I-I slashed my convenience tax burden in half.
There should be no convenience tax burden.
The convenience tax is you being lazy.
[Scoffs.]
Okay, rich white man with an in-home sauna who works three days a week.
- [Scoffs.]
- I'm lazy? Okay, you're on your own.
Go back to farting away your money.
Fine! I will, then! Not the farting part, but the "being on my own" part.
I don't need your help.
Excuse me.
Did a dude named Ken used to live here? - Get out.
- 'Cause I've seen that wall before, I think.
Mmm.
I wouldn't pay $14 for you, but you drop your price to $12, it's a conversation.
[Knock on door.]
- ANGIE: Douglas! - [Door opens, closes.]
[Sighs.]
My car got towed.
I finally got you to park legally.
I watched with my own eyes as you parked by a curb that wasn't a color! I may have some outstanding parking tickets.
And I mean "outstanding" as in "unpaid" and also as in "I illegally parked in some really cool places.
" Does your happiness go up with my blood pressure? All right, I'll give you a ride to the impound lot.
No, I'm gonna call an Uber.
It's surge pricing now, but - No! - All right, look.
I'm sorry, okay? I-I know my convenience tax is nuts.
It's just if I wait in a long line at the post office or drive all the way to the bargain mall, it's less time I get to spend with Graham.
He was just born.
Now he's 8.
And before I know it, he'll be 18, and then that's it.
I already had money when I became a single parent, and it still felt impossible.
I honestly don't know how you do it.
But it amazes me.
Oh, boy.
Ohhh! All right, that'll that'll do.
Let's go.
Hey, do you think if I give that speech at the impound lot, they'll just give me my car back? Well, can you make yourself cry? Mm, might need a little help.
- Can you get me there? - Oh, yeah.
[Sighs.]
- Will, I am so sorry.
- [Door closes.]
In retrospect, I shouldn't have hired an actor to protect your feelings.
But in my defense, I didn't know Biscuits had that kind of performance in him.
He really took you on a journey! He really did.
But it was a journey I was so pathetically desperate to go on, it turned me into a monster.
A Bloody Mary with bacon, tiny burger on the straw? Pfft.
Who did I think I was? French meteorologist Didier Marceau? I was stupid to think I would have a fan, let alone a superfan.
Dad.
Do you like doing the weather? I love it.
Then it doesn't matter if you don't have a superfan.
It doesn't matter if you never have a superfan.
Only one person's opinion matters.
French meteorologist Didier Marceau's? No.
Yours.
That is wise.
Thank you.
You really think I'll never have a superfan? No, I take that part back.
You will always, always have at least one superfan.
Ruin this moment by saying "French meteorologist Didier Marceau," and I will knock you out.
Yes, ma'am.
[Knock on door.]
Mother, I told you, I don't know what happened to the hot-glue gun.
- Pbbbbt.
- Oh.
You.
Come to ransack my wardrobe or just assume my identity altogether? No! I want to apologize.
Look, I was hurt when you insulted my taste.
There was a time where I didn't even have to think about it.
I was just cool.
I had the trip.
And now - Fatherhood has softened your edge? - Hey.
Sorry, but it has.
And everyone knows it.
I thought this beret was the solution.
I don't know how I got it so wrong.
Buying a used hat at a school auction really seemed like a silver bullet.
No.
My fashion critiques have been described as "withering.
" - True.
- I need to learn to rein it in.
Friends? Friends.
So, I was thinking we can share the beret.
It's with you Monday, Wednesday, Friday and with me Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday.
On Sundays, we alternate.
- Now, vacations might be a little tou - Wait.
Stop.
Put the beret on.
It's yours.
- Oh.
Really? - Yeah.
- Wow! It looks good on you! - Thank you.
And sure, berets are on-trend now, but I got to keep moving.
The beret of the heartland.
Well, now I want a cowboy hat.
Trish, this is goodbye.
From now on, I'll be making coffee, like I'm running a freakin' A.
A.
meeting.
So, if I come in here, I'm gonna need you to help me be strong and not sell me coffee.
Can you promise me that? No.
[Chuckles.]
I'd get in trouble for refusing coffee to a customer.
I guess that's fair.
And even if nobody knew, I would know.
And ultimately, we're all responsible to ourselves, Angie.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ask you to compromise your beliefs.
To say nothing of the promise I've made to our shareholders.
I mean You know, getting out of this conversation is worth $100 to me.
- Convenience tax.
- Convenience tax.
I drove all the way down to the bargain mall for this.
Oh, no! Is the mail broken? No.
But thanks to Douglas, Mommy's making some changes.
What's all this armor for? For you, to play hockey.
Ohhhhh.
This is hockey.
I got it confused with the other one.
I don't want to do hockey.
What? No.
Yeah, you do.
I want to do the one where you dive.
What's the one where you dive called? Diving? Yup.
That's the one.
You sure you're thinking about diving? You're not thinking of, like, fencing? - Nope.
- Great.
I'll just give you one of my bikini bottoms.
Fencing does sound fun.