Suburgatory (2011) s01e19 Episode Script

In Chatswin, the grass really is greener The fruit sweeter The vegetables snappier.
Even the corn seems crunchier.
It's a produce paradise, a veritable garden of Eden.
Nice to meet you, Frank.
Nice to meet you.
Gorgeous Braeburns.
Thank you.
They really are.
And since we're introducing ourselves, I'm George Altman.
Frank de Luca.
De Luca Orchards, Route 9.
Hello.
And this is Eden.
Eden? Apple, George? I'm tempted, but, uh, won't it get me kicked out? Don't be stupid.
It's a free sample.
Would you be interested in maybe grabbing a cup of coffee? I don't drink coffee.
You know, between the chemicals, pesticides, and exploitation of workers, it's basically the devil.
But I'll do you one better.
Better? Than a cup of the devil? My treat.
What would you like? Oh.
Uh, um, all right.
Well It all looks terrible.
Sorry.
I'm clueless when it comes to this health crap.
You you pick.
Two kitchen sinks with bee pollen, acidophilus, and extra brewer's yeast.
Ah! Yes, extra, please.
Nothing quenches like a good cup of yeast.
Am I right? All right.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
And thank you.
But just just so you know, if I wasn't trying to impress you, there is no way this would touch my lips.
You're gonna love it.
Oh.
All right, here we go.
Oh.
It tastes like My throat's closing.
My throat's closing.
I think you might be allergic to something in this drink.
You think? Nettle juice.
Someone run and get some nettle juice! Call an ambulance.
I can't breathe.
I feel awful.
Me, too.
I've never seen someone react like that to all-natural ingredients.
Uh, well, I'm a new yorker.
I'm sorry, George.
I should never have pushed you into that smoothie.
No, it's it's good.
I convulsed on your shoulder, I wheezed in your lap.
I really feel like we know each other now.
Mr.
foreman? No.
George foreman? "George foreman"? Well I couldn't remember, and it was the first George that popped in my head.
Look, "George cute smile" wasn't gonna get your treated.
Okay, Mr.
cute smile, you're free to go.
We've prescribed some antihistamines and an epipen in the event another woman tries to make me drink poison? I'm afraid I can't prescribe anything for the googly eyes, although I'd like to because they're making me sick.
I've been up for 40 hours.
So this was fun.
On our second date, I'll slam your hand in a door.
Second date? That means I get another bite of the apple, Eden? Call me when your face clears up.
Bye.
Bye.
Sorry.
I have to kiss you now.
Just removed an 85-year-old man's catheter.
I still can't believe people buy broken shards of glass.
They don't.
They buy "crystal tears.
From heaven.
" Hey.
Hey, Lisa.
Can I get a half-pound of the "crystal tears.
From heaven"? And also, I need something for Malik.
It's our month-aversary, so it needs to be special.
Mommy, I need money.
I'm with a customer.
I'll be right with you.
Lisa, does Malik have a holographic image of you set in crystal? I-I'm embarrassed to say no.
You just walked straight through my pile.
Your "pile" isn't my problem.
No, I agree.
You have much more serious problems that predate this pile.
You can't talk to me like that.
I'm your boss.
I work for you mother, not you.
I came out of my mother.
That's not how it works.
Tessa, you're fired.
Wanna bet? Mommy, I just fired Tessa without severance.
What?! Dalia, what has gotten into you? Tessa's not fired.
But look.
She did a terrible job sweeping.
How would you know, Dalia? You've never swept a day in your life.
You know what, mommy? You can forget the money.
I don't even want it anymore.
Okay, what about a reptile? Too cold? Mnh.
How about a parrot? They're clever.
They can talk.
Not everything that talks is clever.
I just think that having a pet would make us feel more like a family.
Roommates shouldn't have pets.
What if one roommate moves out? Then the pet has to choose sides.
"Roommates"? That's another thing.
Why do you insist on calling us roommates? And how come you always put an empty seat between us at the movie theater? For popcorn.
I-I've told you, that's the popcorn seat.
I feel like you are ashamed of us.
And saying no to a pet is just your way of saying no to a real commitment.
Look, Nora and I had a cat.
After the divorce you always bring up Nora whenever I try to talk about our relationship.
I'm not Nora! Well, how about we get an area rug? If things don't work out, we can always cut that in half.
I'm telling you, man, that kiss took my breath away.
Noah, I have not felt a connection like this since Well, maybe ever.
Look, I don't wanna one-up ya But I'm gonna.
Jill and I are expecting.
A baby?! A baby, man! A goo-goo ga-ga baby.
Of course, we needed some help.
Jill is of a certain age.
But she's all right? She's feeling good? She's amazing.
Okay! Well All right! Wow! That's great, man! Look at us, huh? It feels like we're I don't know Starting over.
Let's have dinner tomorrow night to celebrate, all right? We can meet your new lady, and we can toast my seed.
Huh? Up top! Come on! Smells like burnt rubber.
Yep, that's what I'm making you for dinner burnt rubber 'cause I'm going out.
Are you just stir-frying the nonstick coating or what? My baby's missing! What? My baby's missing! She's gone! No one would kidnap Dalia.
Did she run away? Not Dalia! Yakult! Oh.
Yakult's missing! She's missing, y'all! I've looked everywhere inside the house, outside the house, inside the guesthouse, outside the guesthouse, inside the pool cabana, outside the pool cabana.
She's gone! Oh! I can't breathe! I can't find breath.
Dallas? Don't touch me! Don't touch me! I feel confined! If something happens to that dog, I don't know what I'll do.
I don't know how I'll press on.
I won't! Okay, D-Dallas, hey, you need to calm down and sit and tell us exactly what happened.
I'm sure Yakult is okay.
We'll put up fliers.
Tessa, you have to find my girl.
Promise me.
She's out there alone! What will she eat come dinner? Where will she sleep come night? Where, Tessa? Hey! Sorry we're late.
Hey! Milady was blow-drying her hair for three-quarters of an hour.
Hey.
Here you go.
Oh.
Why, thank you, George.
Well, of course.
Hey.
Hey, what is this? You trying to steal my gal? Where's yours? Oh, she should be here any minute, hopefully.
I'm starting to think she got cold feet.
Hey, you think it was too soon to do a double date? Did I mess up? Can I start you off with some cocktails this evening? I'll have a scotch.
Neat.
Really? Is is that allowed? I'm gonna have a lemon drop, uh, and sugar up the rim for me, angel.
We're celebratin' tonight.
Thank you.
So how far along are you? I gotta tell you, Jill, you barely look pregnant.
Pregnant? I look pregnant? Y am I missing something? Isn't that what we're celebrating? You told me she was pregnant.
I told you we were having a baby.
What's the difference? George, we hired a surrogate to carry the baby for me.
I wanted to carry it myself, but I'm simply too busy with my new book, "making time for what matters.
" You never mentioned a surrogate.
She's farm-raised, sun-kissed, and completely organic.
- Uterine walls of concrete.
- Mm.
Oh, there she is.
Well, the conversation may have run dry, but my swordfish was exceptionally moist.
Exceptionally.
Look This is silly.
All right, you guys only had one date.
George didn't know you were pregnant.
You didn't know that George was my best friend.
And now that we all know what we know, it's over.
We can all put this uncomfortable mess behind us.
Is that how you feel, George, that is an uncomfortable mess that we should put behind us? I don't know if it's a mess, but I certainly am uncomfortable.
Good-bye, George foreman.
It was nice almost knowing you.
Come on.
You cannot date a woman that has my baby inside of her.
Come on.
I know I'm preaching to the choir here.
Right? Right? Yeah.
She didn't even look pregnant.
Did she look pregnant to you? That's the photo you chose? She looks haggard.
Why couldn't you pick one of her smiling? Yakult has a beautiful smile.
Is that a security camera? Yeah.
Steven had it installed to make sure everyone took off their shoes when they came in the house.
I don't know if you recall, but he had a real shoe thing.
It was kinda his defining characteristic.
Is it recording? It looks like it's recording.
Oh, my gosh, it's always recording.
Oh, my gosh, it's always recording! To the control room! Don't see a lot of those anymore.
At the time, joystick-based security was considered cutting-edge.
This model came with "asteroids.
" Let's just check some old footage.
There's Yakult right there! What is she doin'? Did did she just Dalia Oprah royce, get down here right now! I'm inverted! I said, get down here now! I can't believe this.
My own daughter, my own flesh and blood.
What, mommy? I just got upside down.
You swept Yakult.
I did not.
We just watched you do so on surveillance footage.
You swept that poor, innocent dog! How could you? You thought it was so great when Tessa swept.
I can't believe you're my child.
I can't believe I have raised such a selfish, vindictive little girl.
You better pray that dog is unharmed, or else Tessa.
.
Thank you for being who you are.
Somebody raised you right, and clearly, it wasn't me.
Alan! Come quickly and see! What what's wrong? I was just about to get in the shower.
I was out buying an area rug, just like you said low pile, modern, geometric when all of a sudden, I felt something lick me In the heart.
I turned around to find this.
You went out and got a dog? Absolutely not.
He got me.
Or more specifically, us.
This dog was sent here, Alan, to make us a family.
Just look at those pretty brown eyes.
All right, I just got licked, too.
Well, now the two of us get to put our heads together and come up with a great name.
I already named him.
His name is hanson.
Deep cleansing breath.
Did you hear that? She just took a deep cleansing breath.
Guys, just come in.
I can hear you.
Hi.
We'd just like to touch base about last night.
To sum up, George not the man we thought he was.
Noah didn't handle things great.
I don't handle things great.
I don't.
We just don't want you to feel any resentment.
Yeah, because that resentment will flow through your body and drench our fetus.
Guys, you don't have to worry.
There's nothing happening between George and me.
Yes! I'm sorry you're alone.
Namaste.
You guys, we need to figure out where Yakult is so I can bring her back to mommy so she won't be sad and mad at me.
You guys, we seriously need to brainstorm, you guys.
What was that, Kimantha? Nothing.
No, I-I just I shifted my weight from my left foot to my right.
Ohh.
Good idea.
Word on the paddle courts is Noah knocked up your lady.
Are you homeschooled or what? Hey, you think you're the first fella to fall for a bird with someone else's egg in her nest? Look at Heidi Klum and seal.
She had someone else's bun in the oven, just like your girl.
All right, so what's your point? Sarah Jessica Parker used a surrogate.
If Broderick can deal, so can you.
All right, for the record, I don't have a problem with surrogacy.
I'm just trying to Wrap my head around the idea of dating someone who's carrying a baby Jill ands baby.
It's It's complicated, A.
J.
Even you must see that.
Chalk up your tip, George, and you'll have better control over your balls.
Mr.
Wolfe? Can you make an announcement at the assembly? A friend of mine lost her dog.
Um, is is that the dog? Yeah.
Her name's Yakult.
Yakult? That dog doesn't look like a "Yakult" to me.
Have you seen her? No.
No, I certainly have not.
Tessa Aren't you supposed to be in forensic science right now? Why, yes, I am.
Yes I am.
All right, look, man, I've been thinking.
I made a decision.
I wanna be seal.
Not how he is now, but how he was then.
And I want you to be okay with it.
Buddy, I love you, but you're no seal.
Okay, he's my desktop image.
Okay? And I ran into him once at a D'Agostino's.
So Noah, I wanna see Eden, and I want your blessing.
All right, I don't want to be a hard-ass about this, but I strictly forbid it! Look, I know, you're caught up on the sex stuff, but it's not about that.
I just I just like her, you know? I I can't stop thinking about her.
So you'll keep it platonic? I didn't say that.
How would you feel if Jill and I wanted to have sex on top of Tessa? That's not the same thing.
I hope you know that.
I want you to be happy.
I want you to be happy, too, man.
Okay, let's make a deal.
All right, you keep all the physical stuff on the back burner until my baby is birthed, and I'll be completely supportive.
Okay, she'll never take you back.
Come on, buddy! Yakult's in that welfare hotel? That's not a welfare hotel.
It's a condominium.
Just trust me.
I'm trying to help you.
I think you knew I was grounded, so you lied so you could lure me into East Chatswin so you could murder me so you could get plastic surgery so you could assume my identity so you could be cool.
Yakult isn't even here.
Oh, my God.
There she is.
Mr.
wolfe! Stop! You didn't see anything! That's my mom's dog.
No, it isn't.
This is hanson.
What's going on here? Alan, they're trying to take our dog! Um That is the royces' dog! Her name is Yakult.
She is not hanson.
She doesn't even have a boy part.
Look.
She doesn't have a boy part.
Oh.
Hanson! This is exactly why I didn't want to get a dog.
I guess maybe you were right.
No, no, I-I was wrong.
God, Alan, you're so contrary! Wh I think what you and hanson have taught me is, you can't not get a dog forever.
Sooner or later, someone's gonna come along and lick your heart, the way you licked mine.
So if you want a new dog, I'm open to it now.
But you said that roommates shouldn't we're not roommates.
We're homosexual lovers, and it's time I started acting like one.
Can you guys wait till we leave? Well, part of the problem was I didn't show Mr.
wolfe public affection, so, no.
Mmm! Okay, we're gonna go.
But these are all homosexual boy clothes.
Yakult was living as a gay male dog in East Chatswin.
I can't thank you enough, Tessa.
It really wasn't me.
It was Dalia.
Dalia? She's the one who spotted Yakult.
Good eyes.
She gets that from my side.
Steven has astigmatism.
I'm sorry I swept, mommy.
I promise I'll never sweep again.
From now on, I'll leave all that up to Carmen, okay? Okay.
Oh, my God! It's like you can't stand if someone else get attention for two seconds, Yakult! We get it! It's your big day! Frank, you have any olive branches? I think you know damn well I don't.
Eden, wait.
I'm sorry.
Look, hear me out, please.
George, you don't have to explain.
I get it.
You know, it's a weird situation, and you feel uncomfortable.
Didn't work out.
- Well - It sucks.
I know I acted narrow-minded.
Yeah.
I didn't expect that from you.
Kind of blows.
Well, which is it? Does it suck or does it blow? Both.
Eden, I've never been in a situation like this before.
I don't exactly know how to navigate it, but I have a feeling I'm gonna regret it if I don't try.
Do you have any other allergies I should be aware of? Like, where do you stand on steamed squash blossoms? I reserve the right to be allergic to anything that sounds gross.
Okay.
You know, I'm gonna start showing soon.
Let's just worry about squash blossoms for now.
Okay.