The Cleveland Show s01e19 Episode Script

CLEVELAND: Twelve.
Eleven.
Ten.
Hurry, Junior.
- Wake up.
Wake up.
- Aah! - Four, three, two, one.
- Four, three, two, one.
- Happy Black History Month.
Yay! - Happy Black History Month.
Yay! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
This is why you woke us up? It took me four Budweisers to get to sleep.
You've been pre-partying? [SINGING.]
Black history Month - Black history - Month What's happening? Is this real life? Is this gonna be forever? - For we're a jolly good race - For we're a jolly good race - For we're a jolly good race - For we're a jolly good race - For we're a jolly good race - For we're a jolly good race So how many beers had you had when you agreed to marry him? Eight.
[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
I am the greatest.
Thank you, Dylan.
Well, I think it's obvious that Dylan would make the best Muhammad Ali on our float in the Unity Parade.
[HUMMING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF".]
Obama's in the house, y'all.
Stimulus package.
Shut up, Biden.
Give me a cigarette.
Ha, ha! Oh, Rallo, I'm so sorry but I already promised Hot Wheels he could play President Obama.
I'm more Barack than you'll ever be.
And more Michelle than you'll ever get.
Ooh-ooh! The audacity of Hot Wheels.
In the spirit of President Obama I'm gonna accept that with a calm, almost medicated equanimity.
I'll go ahead and be one of the other black presidents.
Actually, I wanna be the first black president.
Who was it? [CHILDREN GIGGLE.]
Rallo, Barack Hussein Obama is the first black president.
- What? Washington wasn't black? - No.
- Jefferson? - No.
If Rutherford B.
Hayes wasn't a brother, I don't know what's up.
Well, who were all the black people voting for back then? For a long time, they weren't allowed to vote, Rallo.
They were slaves.
What? Do people know about this? This is an inexcusable outrage.
I want every black person to listen up.
And that means everyone.
I want you to rise up and find the nearest white-owned home or business and burn Junior, would you like the honor of flipping the switch? JUNIOR: Yay! - There he is.
What do you think, Donna? I think black history is American history and shouldn't be celebrated just one month a year.
I also think I don't want my house looking like Lionel Jefferson.
Why didn't anybody tell me about the travesties our people have been subjected to? Slavery, couldn't vote, Condoleezza Rice.
What else don't I know? A man plants his seed in a woman.
Man.
Growing up today.
Our people are making strides.
The Aunt Jemima label is less racist than in days past.
- Are you kidding me? - What? I like it on my buttery pancakes.
- What? - Ooh! I could go for some pancakes.
Did somebody say pancakes? Man, you're a fat sellout.
What did I expect from you? You let your stepdaughter date a white boy.
You let your son date a white boy.
Ha-ha-ha.
That's impossible.
Me and Ernie are both boys.
That doesn't make any sense.
[GIGGLING.]
You work for a white guy.
You ride around all day in a truck with a white guy.
- You drink with white guys.
- And a bear.
- A black bear? - His father was a black bear.
His mother, a kangaroo.
So call him what you will.
Well, your boy Lester's definitely a straight-up racist.
Look at that.
The flag? Oh, he's just expressing his rich cultural tradition of dumb-assedness.
Mrs.
Lowenstein told me what that flag means.
You're pathetic for being friends with him.
You're worse than Uncle Thomas the Tank Engine.
I reckon I'll take you where these here tracks go, sir.
Thank you, Uncle Thomas.
You're a clean, articulate train.
Just get your white ass onboard.
What's that, Thomas? Uh Uh Choo-choo! RALLO: Where you going? Sellout convention? I am going to see my friends, Rallo.
Oh, including Lester the racist? Why don't you ask him what he thinks about Seal and Heidi Klum? The artist who sang "Kiss From A Rose" from Batman Forever and the supermodel I think about during self-exploration? Black History Month.
Where's our White History Month? Where's our White Panthers? Where's the White & Decker cordless sander? You don't have an answer to that, do you? [GROWLS.]
Lester, how do you feel about Seal and Heidi Klum? I'm glad you asked, Cleveland.
I don't think a man with his skin should be with a woman like that.
When you say his skin, do you mean color or texture? I don't think I like your tone, Cleveland.
When you say my tone do you mean the tone of my voice or the tone of my skin? I'm too drunk to fully understand what you asked, but you're pissing me off.
You and that black mustache of yours.
How dare you judge me by the color of my mustache.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Take this, you honky cracker.
This is for not letting us have more offensive racial slurs than honky and cracker.
Someone clean up the trash.
Wait, wait, wait.
Someone clean up the white trash.
Yeah, that's better.
Look, I didn't wanna hit him.
But I couldn't let him get away with it, Donna.
Well, all right, old man.
Finally taking the fight to whitey himself.
I didn't know you had it in you.
No, Rallo.
I shouldn't have resorted to violence.
Violence is never the answer unless the question is, "What is never the answer?" [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Cleveland Brown? - That's me.
We are investigating a racial incident which took place at the Broken Stool last night.
Oh, Lester didn't mean anything by that mess.
I'm afraid that's not why we're here, Mr.
Brown.
According to multiple eyewitnesses, you were seen assaulting Mr.
Lester Krinklesac.
- What? - Apparently you also referred to Mr.
Krinklesac as a Ma'am, you may wanna cover your child's ears for this.
A honky and a cracker.
You make me sick.
You're under arrest.
- For what? - Hate crime.
A hate cri? What? I'm gonna call my lawyer.
Cleveland Brown for Len Stein.
He's not? He's sitting shiva for his dead aunt? He'll be out for two weeks? You tell that bagel muncher he's a dead man.
You hear me? A dead ma [CLEARS THRO AT.]
I'm sorry for his loss.
You watch.
He's still gonna charge me for that call.
Mm.
Check out my man, all smooth and sexy-Iooking like Blair Underwood going to court in L.
A.
Law.
Or Denzel in Philadelphia.
But the point is, how dare Lester accuse me of a hate crime? That's like the Twilight movies lining up to see a bunch of fat girls.
It's all backwards.
You're a hero, old man.
You wouldn't believe how many white college kids bought these T-shirts.
Let me see that.
Hanes Beefy-Ts.
How much? - Twenty dollars.
- All right.
Give me two for 35.
I wanna get one for my wife.
- Yeah.
I'll give you two for 35.
- You got a woman's large? Look.
There's Lester now.
Jeez, Lester.
Overact much? - That's verbal assault.
Verbal assault.
- Witness.
[GRO ANS.]
Hi, Ernie.
You want a bite of my candy necklace? Do I? You're coming with me.
You keep your weird son away from my weird son.
So I think you'll find, Your Honor, that like most hate crimes this was nothing but a big misunderstanding.
Huh? You know what? It's such a nice day.
Why don't we have court outside? He's the coolest judge.
Your Excellency Oh Oop Hang on.
I felt a drop.
- You feel that, Tony? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Me too.
And I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I live in constant fear.
Plus, with my sprained finger, I can't fiddle or whittle.
I mean, this guy messed me up bad.
- My teeth used to be straight.
- That's an outright lie.
Oh-ho-ho! So now all white people are liars? No, just you.
And George W.
Bush.
There, I said it.
Do with me what you will.
Order in the court.
Order in the Oh, bah, bummer.
- Left my gavel outside.
- Nope, got it right here.
Cheers, man.
Anyway, listen.
I've heard enough.
So I know you dudes are all: [IN SLOW VOICE.]
"Okay, Judge Dave.
What is the sentence?" [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
All right.
All right.
Get this.
I sentence you both to build a float together for the Stoolbend Unity Parade.
- What? - What? Classic Judge Dave.
He really thinks outside the box.
Like the editors of TIME magazine.
We could do a story on computers.
- What? - Computers.
[MURMURING.]
So, uh, this is fun.
The two musketeers.
Who says we need Lester and Cleveland to have a good time? I wish Cleveland and Lester would kiss and make out already.
I once tried to kiss Josh Lucas.
Punched me.
Told him I was doing a bit.
Didn't believe me.
Told him he was more handsome than a young Paul Newman.
He kissed me.
Weird night.
Never doing shrooms again.
Turns out it wasn't Josh Lucas.
Yeah, okay.
Ah, dawg.
Liquid ice.
What? Roberta, why can't you just date a black guy? Do I look white or Asian? Yo, sis, you gotta be more like Cleveland.
He's the real deal.
He knows how to stand up to the man.
By doing arts and crafts with him? What? People are crazy.
We need some racial justice around here.
I guess if a man wants to see any real change in this world he has to take it upon himself to - Rallo, you're blocking the TV.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV.]
: In honor of Black History Month tonight's episode of Flavor of Love will be shown without commercial interruption.
I'm gonna take that flag down by any means necessary.
Our people have come too far.
FLAVOR FLAV [ON TV.]
: Yeah, boy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV.]
[RALLO GRO ANS.]
Rallo, you're gonna miss your bus.
Don't wanna be late for the Unity Parade.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Let's get this thing over with.
Look, Cleveland.
Let's just get through this and we never have to talk to each other again.
Fine.
Soon I will only stare down at you eerily from my attic window.
[KENDRA YELPS.]
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Timber.
[SCREAMING.]
Oh, my lord.
I think I crushed another dog.
KENDRA: Help.
Help.
Somebody help.
Dang, you're a lot of lady.
Is that you, Jesus? RALLO: No.
It's me, Rallo.
[WHIMPERING.]
Don't rob us.
We ain't got no cash.
That bagel muncher Len Stein got us all tied up in mortgage-backed securities.
What? I'm not a thief.
I'm just here to steal your flag.
Now, get off me.
[GRUNTING.]
I can't move! My Rascal is my legs.
And my arms.
- And too often, my toilet.
- Agh.
Oh, Princess.
Thank God.
Bring mama the phone.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH.]
Bring it to mama.
Stupid possum.
[CHITTERING.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Welcome, minorities, to the 2010 Stoolbend Unity Parade.
The parade has been a Stoolbend tradition since Virginia became the last state in the nation to officially abolish slavery earlier this year.
Hey, Gilbert Grape's mom.
- Yeah? - I'm hungry.
Me too.
If you was on death row, what would your last meal be? Oh, what? I'm gonna end up on death row because I'm black? No.
I said it because my Peepaw was on death row and his last meal was 77 mozzarella sticks.
He never made it to the chair.
Massive coronary.
But that was Peepaw.
RALLO: Popcorn shrimp.
- What now? - That'd be my last meal.
Popcorn shrimp.
Ooh.
I love popcorn skrimps.
Getting hard to find these days though.
If they close down one more Red Lobster, I'm gonna have to kill somebody.
- And then you'd end up on death row.
- Like your peepaw.
- And then you could order popcorn skrimp.
- Popcorn shrimp.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I gotta say, Miss Krinklesac, I misjudged you.
You may be a backwoods redneck cracker, but you're all right.
And, Rallo, I take back what I said about Katrina.
Uh-huh.
[BEEPING.]
- What's that? - Oh, no.
It's my diabetes buzzer.
I need sugar or I'll go into a coma and you'll be crushed.
- What do you mean? - I've been arching my back to keep some of my weight off you, but I'm starting to get weary.
Oh, no.
I hope they just say I died under a woman and leave it at that.
And here we have our third court-ordered float, Working Together.
Featuring the duo behind Stoolbend's most recent hate crime Cleveland Brown and Lester Krinklesac.
ANNOUNCER 2: And look who they've got on the float.
It's Robert Parish and Larry Bird.
ANNOUNCER 1: Flashing back to the '90s there's Dave Matthews and his weird violinist guy.
ANNOUNCER 2: And Madonna and Barbaro.
Just another quarter mile and I don't have to be tolerant ever again.
[WIND BLOWS.]
[CROWD GASPING.]
The Chief.
You're burning the Chief.
You did that on purpose.
Aah! You bastard.
Without that mustache, he's hideous.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Mrs.
Tubbs, what are you doing here? I thought Rallo was missing school to tend to your bad sore throat which makes you sound exactly like Rallo on the phone.
What? Rallo never came to school today? - Where is he? - Mm-mm.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Don't worry, Rallo.
Mama's on her way.
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
As a mother, this is not even the most stressful thing I've done today.
Oh, the darkness is closing in.
I'm coming, Peepaw.
I'm coming, Dale Sr.
No.
Don't you die on me, Mrs.
K.
Stay with me and I'll make sure we get that popcorn shrimp.
- With side orders? - You bet.
Cheese biscuits, onion rings, hush puppies.
Oh, hush puppies.
You're getting me all hot and juicy.
- What? - You're making me sweat.
Oh, man.
You're not kidding.
Wait a minute.
If you keep sweating like this, I can probably slide myself out.
Well, then keep naming sides.
Macaroni and cheese, bread, baked potatoes.
Describe them.
They're huge and fluffy and covered in butter and cheese.
- Oh, yeah.
And bacon bits and sour cream and ice cream and Pop-Tarts and Fun Dip.
- Are you close? - Yes.
Faster.
Cocoa Puffs, Lucky Charms marshmallows, maple syrup, peppermints [KENDRA GRUNTING.]
beef, cookie dough, jar of lard, Cheez-Its, Funyuns.
What do they call those fried jalapeño cheese things? Poppers.
[RALLO GRUNTS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[LESTER YELLS.]
[PARAMEDICS GRUNTING.]
Oh, my God.
Rallo.
Kendra? What did you do to her, you little rascal? Which one of the Little Rascals? - I think you know.
- Lester, stop.
- He saved my life.
- He what? If it wasn't for Rallo, I'd be dead.
But thanks to him, the doctor says I'm gonna be perfectly fine.
I definitely did not say that.
Your wife has severe type 2 diabetes and cholesterol that cannot be measured by current science.
Your boy saved my Kendra.
You know, uh, maybe you're not so bad after all.
I accept your apology.
- I didn't apologize.
- You don't have to.
And neither do I.
It's just who we are.
I'm probably gonna keep saying dumb crap because I don't know any better.
And I'll be here to fly off the handle and slap you around when you do.
- Friends again? - Course we are.
Oh, and it would mean a lot to Rallo if you took down that Confederate flag.
Confederate flag? What's that? That there's my Dukes of Hazzard flag signed by Rosco P.
Coltrane himself.
You don't know what the Confederate flag stands for, do you? - No.
- Do you know what KKK stands for? - Kendra Krystal Krinklesac.
- Huh? Maybe they should have a White History Month.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Stay tuned for an all-new, all-white Family Guy.