The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e19 Episode Script

Man, Chuck,
I really gotta thank you for
lettin' me
in your carpool like this.
Although it is kinda rude
you haven't
introduced me
to your girlfriend. Pfft.
She's not my girlfriend, Drew.
And neither is she your mama.
So whose little puppy
are you, huh? Ooh.
Oh, this is Wolfgang, our newest
graduate at the training school.
Wow, right out of school,
and you get a job?
Whose leg did you hump?
I'd back off
on the sarcasm, Drew.
Wolfie here is trained to kill.
Anyone not in a uniform,
that is.
Hey, by the way,
anyone know its attack word?
- Oh, I think it was "Attack!"
- Ah!
[laughing]
Relax, Drew, we wouldn't use
such an obvious word.
Oh, by the way,
that's real good, make a lot
of jerky movements
in the dog's peripheral vision.
- Yeah, real smart.
- 'Yeah.'
Hey,how about a little game?
Let's see how many attack words
we can guess
before we hit the right one.
Sic 'em! Kill!
- Mangle!
- Maim!
Uh, destroy!
Oh, man, I should have
never called shotgun.
[snarling]
I think we have a winner.
[snarling]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
(Drew)
Stop it! No! Ouch!
Don't hurt me.
[upbeat music]
Well, we, uh,
don't usually lend out clothes
from our mannequin displays.
But I'm sure
we can make an exception
in this case, Mr. Carey.
- Oh, you smell like flea dip.
- That's fear.
[giggles]
Lucky he only went for your arm.
Well, my arm was blocking
what he really wanted.
[laughs]
Well, in a couple of weeks
I'll be able to go after
what I really want.
Oh, yeah? You mean this?
[rattling]
No.
I mean, dating you
after you make me
head of the Personal Shopper
department.
Oh, you know I have to interview
other people for the job.
Huh, I know that.
So, uh, I have a bribe for you.
- I'll go get it. Ha-ha.
- Ooh. Hope it tickles.
'Cause I'll need a good laugh
when you find out
who else I promised this job to.
- Hey. Sorry, we're late.
- Hi.
Oswald thought he heard
another package ticking.
- What was it, a clock?
- No, it was a bomb.
[sighs]
Ah..
I got it to the plane on time.
Now it's their problem.
- So, ready for lunch?
- Yes, I'll meet you down there.
I'm just gonna throw myself
out the window.
You know, uh,
when they talk about it first..
- They almost never do it.
- I know.
Except that Drug Co.,
when they developed that pill
that made you hopelessly
depressed and chatty.
[sighs]
I never felt so low
as the first time I took it.
I'll never forget
what I was wearing.
Yeah, we know.
Look, guys,
I got a real problem here.
All because
some board member decides
that he wants somebody
to head up
our Personal Shopper department.
- Hm.
- What's a personal shopper?
Oh, you gotta shop
for rich people who are too busy
to do it for themselves.
Okay, but who gets
to keep the stuff?
So what's the problem?
Nobody wants the job?
No, everybody wants the job
but I kinda promised it to Kate.
(both)
Hey!
- And Lisa.
- Oh.
But Mr. Bell
is pushing for Mimi.
[both gasping]
Wait, it gets worse,
I still haven't
told everybody
what's really going on yet.
What kind of sound
do you want here, Drew?
We don't really have one
for a guy who's screwed.
Hey, what the hell did I do
to deserve this?
You know, Lisa could finally get
a job in management, so we can
start dating without breaking
any stupid company rules.
And Kate wants the same job!
It's my best friend
versus a great relationship.
It's kind of like on Saturdays
when they used to show bikini
movies on Channel 3 and women
in prison movies on Channel 5.
- Yeah, mm.
- Well, I'd give it to Kate.
Unless you don't plan
on having children
'cause she'll kick those bad
boys right through your head.
- Yup.
- Hey, guys!
- 'Hey!'
- Hey, cookies!
[giggles]
"Baked with love
for my best friend
in the whole wide world."
Oh, look, they're little Drews.
Yes. I just bent out the sides
of my Santa cookie cutter.
- 'Oh!'
- Yeah.
Hey, look, this little Drew's
got a fuzzy, little sweater.
- Oh.
- Oh, oh, don't eat that one.
My cats were on the
kitchen counter. Just..
You know, I hope
this isn't a bribe because
uh, there's really
no guarantees here.
- Ta-da!
- Hey, Lis. Wow, great cake!
Maybe it's a bribe,
like your cookies.
What does Lisa
need to bribe him for?
She's not up
for the personal shopper job.
Oh, yeah, I am.
You can't be.
He promised it to me.
How could he do that?
He promised it to me.
Well,Oswald put
a bomb on a plane!
So?
Drew, I can't believe
you did this.
I haven't got a chance
of getting this job now.
She's your girlfriend!
And by the way, why is
your girlfriend bribing you?
This isn't for Drew.
It's for Oswald.
[gasps]
Oh..
Oh,for what?
Well, it's not my birthday.
But tomorrow
is the 17th anniversary
of the death of my first dog.
The same day I learned to drive.
W-w-wait. Wait a second.
This is not gonna happen.
We're not gonna fight
over a job.
What if we provided a cage?
Look, I-I-I'm sorry
it turned out this way
b-but, you know,
we have to be all adults here
and realize that only one of you
is gonna get the job.
You'll each be provided
with a leotard and a spear.
Your hands will be bound
by soft--
Lewis!
Look, I promise I won't drag
this out, I-I'll make up my mind
by one o'clock tomorrow,
and then I'm gonna cover
my crotch
and run to Puerto Rico.
Okay, so I guess it's down
to just Lisa and me?
Yeah, it's down
to you and Lisa and Mimi.
- What?
- Mimi?
She's the rudest person
I ever met!
Hey, now, she may be the most
vile person who ever walked
the face of the Earth, but
if my boss wants to shove her
down my throat, make me give her
a chance, then, hey
that's my decision
and I'm sticking to it.
Oh, good luck, Kate.
Hey, um, no hard feelings
even if you lose, right?
Even if I lose. Here.
- Have a cookie.
- Oh, how cute!
Drew in a fuzzy, little sweater.
- Yeah.
- Oh..
[instrumental music]
Uh, before we get started,
Max, uh
can I get you a cup of coffee?
What am I, a cripple?
Go to hell!
Right back with you, buddy.
Oh, hey, Drew.
What's up with old Max?
I'm trying to get him to retire
so I can move Kate
up in Cosmetics.
I heard she wanted
the personal shopper's job.
Yeah, but only because Max won't
move his rotting carcass
out of Cosmetics.
I can jump-start
that carcass for you.
Wonder how many of those
it would take to take down Mimi.
So, Max, tell me,
how long you've been managing
the old Cosmetics department?
Three, four hundred years?
Fifty-four years.
What's your point?
My point is,
you've done a great job
but maybe it's time
you, you know, go home
watch your grandkids retire.
Drew, I'm an 84-year-old man
who works in Cosmetics.
I don't have any grandchildren.
What about all the employees
that are waiting to move up
Max? Look, I really need this.
It would make life
so much easier if I could
give someone like
Kate O'Brien your job.
You want me to step down?
I'd ratherdrop dead!
Oh, uh, uh..
- What's the matter?
- 'Good Lord.'
My-my-my heart pills. Oh..
[bottle clatters]
Drew, please, my pills. Uh..
You want 'em now?
Drew!
[sighs]
If you really wanted that job
for your friend
you'd have kicked these
under the filing cabinet
you nancy boy!
Oh, well..
Say goodbye to plan B,
it's on to plan C.
Ah.
(Bell on phone)
'What is it, Carey?'
Uh, this is gonna sound
highly unusual, sir
but I, I can't pick someone
to-to head up
the new Personal Shopper
department. You see, my..
My father was killed
by personal shoppers.
'Carey, what's your title?'
The Vicar of Wakefield, sir.
'Carey!'
Oh, I'm sorry.
You mean my secular title.
It's, uh, assistant director
of personnel, sir.
'Then quit whining and hire
someone. And it better be Mimi!'
Yeah, but you always said
she makes such a good assistant.
'She's not the right image
for me, people always walk by'
'my office and call food orders
into her face.'
I'll get right at it, sir.
Sorry I bothered you.
Nancy boy.
You wanted us here
at one o'clock.
What's the answer, pig?
That's right, Charlie,
all the angels are here.
Except, one of them's
had a horrible accident
with a paint truck.
Come on, Drew, we have to know.
Um, guess
there's only one thing to do.
- Kate..
- Huh! Yes, I knew it!
Thank you! Sorry, losers!
Uh, alright, stop.
That's not what I was gonna say.
Oh, no. I didn't get it.
This isn't fair and I..
I hate you, Drew.
I wasn't gonna say that, either.
I was gonna say that because
you're a great sales--
[gasps]
I got it! Whoo! Yeah!
Okay, moving on.
Lisa, you have
an obvious sense of style
and all your work in Displays
has given you
a, a lot of experience
coordinating clothing.
- And, Mimi..
- Yeah?
The boss is shoving you
right down my throat.
Bite me.
So since you're all qualified
in your own special way
I've decided to have
an objective competition.
You're all gonna be
personal shoppers
for Winfred-Lauder's
most difficult customers.
Whoever handles the situation
best gets the job. Ahem.
Well, that's
a very good idea, Drew.
Oh, oops. You got a little
something on your shirt.
This isn't gonna work, Mimi.
I can't believe you would try
something so sleazy.
My cake cost more than that.
I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to my friend, Drew.
Look, Fatty McAss.
Mr. Bell says
it will make him very happy
to see me get the job.
And we all want
Mr. Bell to be happy.
Capiche?
One more thing.
Kate, if Lisa gets this job
I want you to know that it's not
because it's the only chance
we have
to save our relationship.
And, Lisa, if Kate gets this job
it's not because
she's the best friend
a guy could ever have.
But if Mimi gets this job
I want you to shoot me
and look for the microchip.
I'd rather be dead
than serve those
stinking extra-terrestrials.
to monitor the personal shopper
tryouts like this.
Whoo!
I wanna stand on top of them
to make them nervous.
- You know?
- So who you rooting for?
That woman, Lisa,
you've been seeing on the sly?
Hey, she's just a friend
who I secretly kiss where this
camera is pointing, right here.
And this camera right here. Oh..
You guys in security
must know everything, huh?
I'm a security guard, Drew.
What I see, I never tell.
Oh, by the way,
you should be glad you stopped
flirting with Bridget in Shoes.
- Why? Is she married?
- She's a guy.
God!
Hey, there's Lisa,
my girlfriend.
Hundred-percent woman, right?
Turn up the monitor.
(Lisa)
Hi, I'm Lisa Robbins.
I'm your personal shopper.
Uh, save the song and dance.
I want you to know this is
Winfred-Lauder's last chance
to fail me as a customer.
Well, that's not gonna happen,
Mr. Newcomb.
We're taking a whole new
approach to shopping.
Before you make me part
of your daily affirmation, perky
let me tell ya, I also don't go
for that sucking-up crap.
I don't even know why I'm here.
I hate trying on clothes.
Well, then don't worry about it.
It's taken care of.
[upbeat music on stereo]
Oswald!
- Who's this?
- I spoke to your secretary.
He's exactly your measurements.
So you can just relax and see
how you'll look
in these clothes.
[music continues]
Isn't that a little tight
in our crotch?
Not at all. Free as a bird.
Let me see my butt.
What do you think?
I'm surprised
we don't get more action.
- You're telling me.
- Look at that. She's brilliant.
She's gonna win,
we're gonna start dating.
We're gonna get married.
Boy, oh, boy!
If she only had breasts
like that guy in Shoes, huh?
And I found 12 more
in the same cut.
- You're gonna look fantastic!
- Thank you.
By the way, I also do swimwear.
[Lisa chuckles]
How about dinner tonight?
Hey, he's hitting on her.
Get away! Get away!
I'll cut you, man. I'll cut you!
Attention, Winfred-Lauder
shoppers, this is to remind you
'that there's no flirting
with the sales people.'
I repeat, there is no flirting
with the sales people!
So what do you say?
Or is this something
you didn't prepare for?
Here's the number of a friend
of mine who works in Shoes.
Her name is Bridget, and, uh,
I think you'll really like her.
Alright!
Sold out a transsexual
just to make a sale.
Whoo!
Man, I hate to be
in Kate and Mimi's shoes.
I'd hate to be Mimi's shoes.
They're white socks,
they're exactly the same
except this one has ribs
and this one doesn't.
I guess that's where
I'm getting hung up.
Okay. How about this?
I'll put them both behind
my back and you can pick a hand.
I guess I'll go with..
I can't decide.
Oh, yes, you can. Come on.
- Uh, right, I guess.
- Non-ribbed, great!
But I'm not sure
what my husband would like.
Oh! Bring!
Hello? It's your husband.
He says they're white socks!
He doesn't care!
Kate's gonna blow.
Want me to close
a few vents in the area?
Cut off the airflow? Takes
the fight right out of 'em.
Maybe later, just for fun,
you know?
But this really
ticks me off, you know?
Kate expects to be management,
she's gonna have to learn
some other way
to control her anger.
[muffled]
Are you gonna finish
that muffin?
Okay.
Let's imagine
you've already bought the socks.
They're good socks, happy socks.
You're happy.
You're walking out of the store
you look in the bag.
What do you see?
- Ribbed!
- Good!
But I think
I bought the wrong ones.
[gasps]
Mrs. Hoyt
could you turn this way
a moment, please?
- What's Kate doing?
- I can't see.
I think she's gonna talk to her.
Better get ready
to cut off the air.
Mrs. Hoyt, what's your favorite
thing in the whole world?
Well, that would either be
my dog, Buttons
or my cat, Buttons.
I can't decide.
Oh, it doesn't matter,
'cause if you don't pick
some socks,
all your Buttons are dead!
Oh, God, the ribbed socks,
the green pumps
the blue suit.
I don't know which hat.
- Meow!
- Your choice.
(female #1)
So what do you think?
Oh, dear God!
Why don't you take those off,
and we'll get you upstairs
and buy you
some grownup clothes?
Well, this is
the only department
where the clothes actually fit.
I guess I never lost
my girlish figure.
Yeah, well, that girl's
been around along time.
Now come on,
we're going upstairs.
No! Everything I need
is right here!
Oh, cool scrunchies!
What do you think, you're 12?
Come on!
You let go of me!
You're notmy mom!
Oh, yeah, that's right,
'cause then I'd be
about a 1000 years old!
Uh, you better keep an eye
on this one, Chuck.
- Things could get ugly.
- Oh!
I think they ate ugly
for breakfast.
You will not cost me
this promotion.
I am your personal shopper
and I will personally drag you
upstairs by the hair
if you don't move it,
you old bat!
Oh, who are you calling
an old bat, you sea cow?
Why, you old piece of crap!
[groans]
[groans]
Looks like
we're down to two, Chuck.
- You wanna..
- I'm on it, Drew.
While you're down there,
you might wanna help her
find her teeth.
So, how did we do?
Look, uh, don't kill me,
but honest to God
you-you both did great.
It's a, it's a dead heat.
Oh, dammit, Drew! You're just
scared to make a decision.
We both know one of us
is not gonna get the job.
Yeah, this is gonna stop
here and now!
Uh, just give us a tiebreaker,
give us one tough customer
so we can have a fair fight
and be done with it.
Yeah, give us
the toughest, nastiest
most difficult person anyone
could ever have to shop for.
Okay, I gotta go downtown
to give a statement
but if I won, I want that little
punk banned from the store!
That girl!
[instrumental music]
So it's the last delivery
on my round.
I go up to the door,
I ring the bell
and she answers the door.
And get this,
she's completely naked.
Oh, my God, you're kidding.
All 600 pounds of her.
I am sorry, Oswald,
they should have
warned you about grandma.
I mean..
She's 82, she feels she's past
the age of modesty, you know?
Then explain the pasties,
my friend.
- Well..
- Hey.
- Hey!
- Hey, buddy.
So how long is this gonna take?
Uh, not very long, I just have
to pick whether Lisa or Kate did
a better job
of shopping for Mimi,
give the winner the job
and then you go look for my head
and you go look for my body.
Hm. Well, for your sake,
I hope Lisa wins.
- Kate wins. Hi, Kate.
- Hi.
I'm gonna win, alright,
if I can just get
Mimi out of Mr. Bell's office.
[Kate sighs]
[knocking]
Mimi, come on out!
(Mimi)
'Alright, but if anybody's
thinking about laughing'
they better look at that
old chick's teeth imprints
on my fist!
Wow!
[Oswald howls]
Oh, I'm taking this off
right now.
Although I don't have to
'cause you already
undressed me with your eyes!
Actually, my eyes
were covering you with a tarp.
Okay, this is gonna be tough
after the great job Kate did
but, uh, uh, I did my best.
I could not get her
to change her makeup.
Yeah, I heard
they removed it once and found
a whole another painting
underneath there.
- Ready, Mimi?
- Ready!
Oh, man!
Don't let the sun go down on me.
Wow! Okay.
Drew, the envelope, please!
Oh, boy. Alright, uh..
Let me just ask Mimi
one thing, though, uh..
Mimi, which one
of your personal shoppers
would you rather go back to?
What? Are you kidding?
Look at me, I'm gorgeous!
Can I have a moment alone
with Kate, please?
[door opens]
I wish we both
could have gotten the job, Kate.
- I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
I'm gonna wear this home.
I hope that crazy woman doesn't
sit next to me on the bus again.
Well, if it makes
any difference, um
you did great. You're-you're
totally ready for management.
- The next job is yours.
- Thanks.
I mean, it's okay
that it was Lisa
'cause now you guys can date.
And you know what, I actually
learned something about myself.
I-I don't have
to resort to anger.
You tried to kill
that lady's dog and cat.
Oh, you heard that.
I, um.. Actual present.
"World's greatest manager
in training."
Yeah, the "In training" part
peels off, you know
in case you would have
got the job.
Thanks.
Did you get anything for Lisa?
Yeah, I got her lingerie.
Part of that peels off, too.
[laughing]
You know, you may think
I'm down, but I'm not.
I'm gonna work even harder
to get a promotion
'cause you know what,
if I can make Mimi look good--
Cure for cancer
can't be far behind.
[instrumental music]
Oh, you work here, too.
I was doing a little modelling
today. Just a temp gig.
So I was wondering what time
you get off tonight
because, uh, you know,
I do private shows, Bridget.
[laughing]
Oswald's got a boyfriend
Oswald's got a ♪♪
Oh, man, this is so weird 'cause
we saw her in the bathroom
earlier today.
- Should we call and tell him?
- Nah, he'll find out.
You know, I like a woman
with big hands.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]