The Michael J. Fox Show s01e19 Episode Script
Health
1 [SCHOOL BELL RINGING.]
Oh, excuse me.
I'm looking for Annie Henry.
Do you know where she is? Oh, if my calculations are correct, she'll be out of the staff meeting in a few minutes.
You look familiar.
You're on TV, right? - Mike Henry.
- Stay informed.
I love that.
I've always wanted a catchphrase.
I'd even settle for a nickname.
Well, I could call you "champ.
" Amazing! You're a machine, Mike.
- What are you doing here, honey? - You forgot your phone.
I would've called to tell you, but you forgot your phone.
- Good one, champ.
- No, you're champ.
Well, I can see you've met Terry McTavish, our new principal.
Yes, it's all my pleasure.
But I should go now.
It's my principle never to overstay my welcome.
Could that be my catchphrase? No.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's probably already been taken.
- That's a fun guy.
- Yeah, that's the problem, Mike, fun doesn't necessarily make a good principal.
He's like a crazed Willy Wonka.
- What is wrong with Willy Wonka? - 'Cause he let those kids die.
No, they disappeared.
Yeah, right into the chocolate river.
You don't survive that.
Dad, what are you doing here? It's bad enough that mom's here every day.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do we embarrass you? - Constantly.
- Well, then you'll love this.
Ugh.
Eve Henry's parents, everybody.
- Whoo! Hi, guys.
- MIKE: How you doing? Eve's mom.
You guys know that I'm a teacher here.
I'm Eve's mom.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
# Da, da, da da, da, da # Da, da, da, da Da, da, da Da, da, da 1x19 - "Health" Hey! Thanks for installing this antivirus software, even if the "virus" turned out to be I dropped it.
It's good to have the software anyway.
I used to get tons of viruses from visiting websites that were totally normal.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Oh, hey, Harris.
- Hey, just bringing by some stuff you left in my apartment when you were, uh [IAN CLEARS THROAT.]
Cat-sitting for me.
Guys, you don't need to tiptoe around me.
I'm a grown man.
I know you guys were doing it.
[GIGGLES.]
Sex.
Thanks.
Uh, where are my luna bars? Uh, what, those delicious energy bars that are unfairly marketed towards women? I haven't seen 'em.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Ugh.
It's my book agent calling calling to talk about my book.
I'd love to go one day without hearing about my book.
[WHISPERS.]
Me too.
"Mane Attraction" is an erotic young adult novel about Kristen and her lover Jessup, a boy who turns into a horse at night, currently being shopped to publishers both foreign and super foreign.
Go for Leigh.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, is this about my book? Because I am not happy.
Her horse book sounds so ridiculous.
Oh, come on.
You don't know that.
Yeah, I do.
I'm reading it right now.
The bad guy owns a glue factory and has poisoned the city's hay supply.
That's it.
I'm printing one up.
Hey, you just can't read that without asking.
- That's an invasion of privacy.
- Even the foreword is hilarious.
She says the details were, "ripped from her personal sexual headlines.
" Personal sexual headlines? - Print me one too.
- Oh, what happened to "invasion of privacy"? I gotta fact-check, man.
I've been misrepresented in erotic fiction before.
Hmm.
Good news, Annie! We've got big changes coming.
You're not gonna need this [STRAINS.]
very well-bound garbage anymore.
Burn it later.
This is what we're teaching now.
The novelization of E.
T.
? - Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm.
- Well, Fahrenheit 451 is a classic.
- It's totally unrelatable.
And E.
T.
is relatable? They'll relate to having seen the movie.
No, that's it.
You are doing a disservice to the kids, and I'm not gonna let you continue to dumb things down.
You're right, Annie.
Why should I tell you how to teach, when I could tell you what to teach? - You're demoting me to health class? - Oh, it's not a demotion.
It's just a reduction in status and title.
That's the definition of a demotion.
Sounds like someone still thinks she's an English teacher.
[CHUCKLES.]
Robin? [GASPS.]
You are teaching senior English from now on.
- English? - Mmm-hmm.
But I have my masters in organic chemistry.
But you can leave the basement.
You forgot your purse.
Keep it.
Whoo-hoo! Okay, sport, remember, if we break something and your mom asks who did it [GLASS SHATTERS.]
It was Ian.
Your boyfriend demoted me.
Harris? I keep telling you, he's a boy who's a friend.
No, McTavish.
He stuck me in health class.
Now, instead of teaching literature, I get to teach this.
- Whoa.
- Is that a sea monster? I think somebody better find another room.
- Is that a sea monster? - Ugh.
I heard what happened, and this is just an outrage, mom.
You should not stand for this.
- Thanks, honey.
- You know what you should do? You should walk out of the doors and never show your face at my school again.
I mean I mean, for your own sense of pride.
Mmm-hmm.
I think somebody should find their brother in the other room.
This sucks, Mike.
You know what they say, "Those who can't do, teach.
Those who can't teach, teach gym.
Those who can't teach gym and not get all handsy, they teach health.
" Look, I know you see this as a setback right now, but I see it as an opportunity.
I am great in these situations.
I mean, I don't wanna say I invented optimism, but let's just say optimism was called, "Sure, feel better, I guess," until I came around.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Mike sucks in these situations.
He doesn't understand that sometimes, you just need to be upset.
You don't want your frown turned upside down.
Let's get this guy turned around.
Stop touching my Stop touching my Stop touching my face, please.
Okay, then at least let me take this half empty glass and replace it with a half full one.
- Because I am your - Waiter at the pity party? You've done this bit before, Mike.
You were in labor.
I didn't think you'd remember.
Sometimes things are just terrible.
For once, please, just let me wallow.
Fine, wallow.
Wallow away.
I'll wallow with you.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Remember, just when things get bad, that's when they get good.
Oh, my God.
NARRATOR: [ON TV.]
This is an age of acne, the cracked voice.
You guys, come on, eyes forward.
This is probably gonna be on a test, at some point, I guess.
The only silver lining about being stuck in this class was being able to tell Mike that he was wrong about there being a silver lining.
I started to feel weird in my body.
Well, you should feel weird, Dan, because you're, like, 35, and you're playing a 14-year-old.
[LAUGHING.]
NARRATOR: The adolescent boy has other problems too, which can be as disturbing to him as his sex pressures.
[BOING.]
Did they just do a "boing" sound effect? Is that what it feels like, Eric? Is that sound that happens in your pants? No? All right, we're gonna shut it off.
I'm done with this.
Okay, um, is it safe to assume that you have learned nothing of practical value in here? - ALL: Yes.
- Okay, great.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna break some things down.
So the "mysterious urges" that they're talking about? That's called being horny.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Anybody got any questions about that? [MUSIC.]
You have to tell your boyfriend he's wrong.
You can definitely get pregnant in a car.
- But it's a Camry.
- Especially then.
Camry's Japanese for "baby.
" Okay, anywhere from here to here.
Whoo! Yes! A new record for pelvic assembly! Yay! [APPLAUDING.]
Although, guys, out in the field, you're gonna wanna use a more gentle touch.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay? The optimistic jackass was right, damn it.
God, I hate my supportive husband.
Teaching English was great.
But with health class, I feel like I'm making a real difference.
I mean, misusing a semi-colon doesn't give you genital warts.
But misuse of a colon can.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, somebody's happy.
Was I right about things looking up? Oh, no, Mike.
I was just smiling because I was thinking about my life before health class.
It was a wistful smile.
Annie, you can keep looking in that rearview mirror, but you'll miss some beautiful sights up ahead.
Yeah, or a stalled gasoline truck.
Right here.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
- And I'm makin' s'mores.
- Over a highly toxic gas fire.
- You're gonna end up in the hospital.
- Where I'll meet a really cute doctor.
Oh, okay.
So you're single in this scenario? Well, you died.
You hit the gas truck.
Gotta quit looking in the past, Annie.
Look to the future.
Your role-play is getting super dark.
Oh, no.
He's on another one of his optimism kicks, where he's so sure that everything's gonna work out for the best.
If I let him know that he's right, I will never hear the end of it.
- He's the king of smug.
- Ugh.
When I moved to New York, he said I couldn't afford it.
So for the last four years, he's been paying for my rent every single month, just to rub it in my face.
Oh, hey, if you wanna start paying your rent, we're totally cool - No, no, no.
Let the baby have his bottle.
- Oh.
And we'll need to get more cameras at that rally.
Make sure everybody has a travel buddy.
- Harris, we need to talk.
- No, we need to learn how to knock.
All right, stay focused, man.
Have you read the horse book yet? Horse book? Horse book? Don't waste my time with that ridiculous Do you love it as much as I do? - Times a thousand.
- But here's my question - His arms become the back legs? - Yes, because the back legs need the gripping capabilities of arms.
Damn, man, her internal logic is airtight.
I was reading it to see if she wrote about me, but then I realized she's writing about humanity.
Horse-manity.
BOTH: Ahh.
But I'm here because mine's missing the final chapter.
Maybe you got it by accident.
- Let me see.
- Come on, come on.
I don't have it either.
I'll be back later.
Just do the news.
Move, man! Count of three first thing that comes to your head is our band's name.
One, two, three.
ALL: Tater tots.
- I hate it.
- Just the worst.
How about the Vas Deferens? - Yeah.
- That's gross.
It's not gross, it's the human body.
The only thing that's gross is ignorance.
- That's what your mom says.
- Uh, wait, what? Her health class is awesome.
Today she let us put different synonyms for "sex" on the board, like [BLEEP.]
and [BLEEP.]
and [BLEEP.]
.
She said your dad calls it "storming the Kremlin.
" She brought my dad into it? Yeah, it's great to have such a fulfilling, intimate relationship.
She told us that cuddling can be just as erotic as sex sometimes.
Ooh, "Erotic Cuddling.
" - Could that be our band name? - Yes! Let's go with that right now.
We found it.
- We gotta write that down.
- It's over.
Annie, you okay in there? MIKE: It had been a few days, but Annie wasn't turning the corner on this.
If anything, she was getting worse.
You've been in the bathtub for three hours.
That can't be healthy.
ANNIE: It's okay, Mike.
I'm a health teacher.
Well, hey, look at you, knowing all about health and stuff.
That's kind of like a silver lining, isn't it? Uh, I I don't know.
Things are pretty bleak.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, hey, could you pass the scissors under the door? - Honey, I don't know if that's a good idea.
- Just do it.
- Hey, guys.
- Enough of the small talk, Leigh.
Cut to the chase.
We read the book.
Are you serious? - That's a huge violation of my privacy - And we loved it.
is what somebody with too many boundaries would say.
Tell me more about this "you loving it" part.
Not enough time.
We need that ending.
Well, I haven't exactly finished it yet.
[BOTH GROAN.]
But I do know that Jessup's gonna die.
No, you can't kill Jessup.
He has to end up with Kristen.
Jessup? Please.
- I'm team Rowan.
- Rowan? He doesn't turn into anything.
Oh, so turning into things is a requirement for a great love interest now? Are we just gonna pretend that Mr.
Darcy never existed?! All right, look, we can compromise.
We just need to think.
Okay.
[EXHALES.]
We? [BOTH SHUSHING.]
I know this whole thing is gonna make your mom stronger, it's just taking forever for her to get there.
Don't you always say it's darkest before the dawn? Graham sucks in these situations.
Yeah, it's just that I wish dawn would happen faster.
Don't you always say these things take time? How can you remember everything I say and forget to wear your underwear to school? [GRUNTS.]
The point is, it's one thing for me to say things are gonna get better.
I have to actually make them better.
I'm gonna go down there, and I'm gonna get mom her old job back.
But when mom wanted her old job back, you said she was wrong.
Graham, buddy take the day off.
Hey, champ.
How's it going? Mike, what a treat! I'm just working on tomorrow's announcements.
Here's what I have so far, "Happy Thursday, students.
" Uh, tomorrow tomorrow's Wednesday.
Well, that was a waste of two hours.
[CHUCKLES.]
Listen, what I wanted to talk to you about was Well, let's do it on the move.
I'm gonna sit in on a class.
[FIRING LASER GUNS.]
This is a class? It fulfills a science and gym requirement all at once.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I gotta tell ya, Mr.
McTavish, - this is, uh, a genius idea.
- Oh, yeah.
It was a terrible idea.
But if I was gonna get Annie's job back, I had to humor this guy.
Let's move! Well, as educational as all this is, I'm really here to talk about Annie.
- She belongs in English class.
- I'm sorry.
Annie's staying put, because she refuses to get with the program.
Ah, behind you, 6:00.
Well, I'm worried your program is bad for students.
8:00.
Do you know how hard it is to keep a job as principal? In this day in age, you have to give the people what they want.
Well, I disagree Oh, 3:30.
[GUN FIRING.]
Mike, the kids don't complain because they're having fun.
The parents don't complain because their children are getting good grades.
Everybody's happy, except the blue squad.
- Come with me.
- I'm not gonna go Aah! [LASER SOUNDS.]
Don't judge me.
I've been a journalist long enough to know that war makes monsters of us all.
But clearly, reason wasn't gonna work with this nutbag.
I was gonna have to do something big.
Why are you teaching my friends about foreplay? Because of you, my band is now named "Erectile Tissue.
" Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
That was just the unit that we were on.
But we're switching to childbirth tomorrow.
Oh, well, that's better.
Hey, do you know where dad keeps the video of your birth? Hey, I hope that's not my Emmy reel.
- Nope.
- Listen.
We gotta get mom her old job back.
- Now McTavish - I'm in.
You don't know what I was gonna say.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'll do anything to get mom out of health class.
That's sweet, honey.
Yeah, well, she is the woman who gave birth to me, and has proof.
McTavish thinks as long as his students are happy, he'll keep his job, so we gotta prove to him that the students are unhappy.
Oh, got it.
Twitter bomb him.
No, something real.
Back in the day, they'd do a walkout.
Dad, I appreciate that you got women the right to vote or whatever, but that's not really how things work now.
ANNIE: I found Ian's birthing tape! You can only see my face for a few seconds at the end! Your way's great.
Let's do your way.
Oh, she can't just go to the prom with Jessup.
- It's too obvious.
- Okay, how about this? She steps out the limo, grabs her clutch, and sees - wait for it Lionel.
- Ooh.
- Who the hell is Lionel? - Her new love interest.
Right when you least expect it, he swoops in, literally.
- He's a bird.
- You just melted my brain.
- Get it down.
- Mmm-hmm.
[CHOKES.]
A bird? There can't be any birds.
It's already about a boy who turns into a horse! Fair point, but hear me out.
What if he's not a horse? Pow.
I don't like it.
I love it! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
What are you talking about?! That is the whole premise.
- Aw, Leigh.
- No! This is why I haven't finished the book! What if I screw up the ending? It's all people will remember.
Has "Lost" taught us nothing? Well, I'm just glad that John Locke came out on top.
- [WHISPERS.]
He died.
- What?! That was not clear.
You know what? Just Just Just finish it yourselves.
- Wow.
- I didn't know he died either.
So how do we do this whole walkout thing? Seriously? The instructions are right there in the title.
You just stand on the table and you rally your troops.
Um, I'm doing this so that I won't be embarrassed anymore.
- Fine, I'll do it.
- Wait, that's worse.
Listen up, meerkats.
It's time to stand up to principal McTavish once and for all.
He demoted one of your best teachers.
Are you gonna take that sitting down, or you gonna join me? Does that mean we have to stand on the tables, too? - That doesn't look safe, dude.
- No, it's a proverbial stand.
What does "proverbial" mean? You seriously can't get that with context clues? Well, if you're with me, I'm leading a walkout right now.
So who's with me? [FARTING.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
You get to leave class for the day! [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Eh, I'll take it.
We need to get these guys going.
Let's start a chant.
I don't know if that'll work.
Any group, no matter how apathetic they are, will join in a chant.
Save Mrs.
Henry! ALL: Save Mrs.
Henry! Save Mrs.
Henry! So they'll say anything? Broccoli grandma motorcycle! Broccoli grandma motorcycle! ALL: Broccoli grandma motorcycle! Broccoli grandma motorcycle! What? I I'm drunk with power.
Mike, you're behind this, hmm? So we're brothers on the battlefield, but nowhere else, huh? I'm just here to take my daughter to lunch, but clearly these people are upset that Annie's been demoted.
This may even be a news story, and you are familiar with my catchphrase.
"Stay informed.
" My God! Just get them back inside! If their parents hear about this, I'm out! - So Annie gets her old job back? - [GRUNTS.]
Fine.
But I'm not caving in to these outrageous "broccoli grandma motorcycle" demands! [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
ALL: [CHANTING.]
Broccoli grandma motorcycle! And that is why male nipples are not just aesthetic.
Now if [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Hey, what are you doing here? - Champ got your job back.
For the last time, you're champ.
- You what? - Yeah, I lead a walkout.
The whole school was out there, except this class.
- What's going on? - We just wanted to stay.
You know what? I think I do, too.
Are you serious? You know, I climbed on a table.
[LAUGHS.]
Wait.
If you're teaching sea monsters in here, then what are they teaching in sea monster class? Peace offering? Thanks.
Actually, the luna bars are for m Okay, you can keep 'em.
Hey, I'm sorry we tried to take over, Leigh.
It's only because we love your story so much.
Honestly, I had never been so passionate about a book since the novelization of E.
T.
Well, I guess I should thank you.
I realized that nothing I came up with could possibly be any worse than your ideas.
[CHUCKLES.]
And that inspired me to finish.
Ooh, cool, cool.
Uh, we'll read it later, whenever we get a chance.
- Oh, my God.
Rowan lost the amulet.
- What?! Okay, give me that.
- Sorry.
No.
- Hey! Let me see that! I'm sorry I faked being unhappy.
Are you mad? Hey, you're happy, I'm happy.
I just wish you would've told me sooner so I wouldn't go through all the effort.
Oh, yeah, 'cause I should've assumed that you would organize a school-wide walkout on my behalf.
[CHUCKLES.]
It was crazy.
You know what's crazier? I abandoned my whole philosophy.
I was telling you not to worry about what you couldn't control, - and I was trying to control everything.
- You know what, Mike? You might see this as a setback, but you know what I see? - Opportunity.
- Is that what I sound like? Gross.
Opportunity? What, I should "storm the Kremlin?" - Mmm.
- Ahh.
[CHUCKLES.]
MIKE: We'll work our way up to Red square.
[MUSIC.]
Honey, I know it makes you uncomfortable, but I think I'm gonna stick with health class, kiddo.
It's fine.
I'm over it.
- I'm gonna go play with Erectile Tissue.
- Hmm-huh? Don't worry, it's just the name of her band.
I'm still not okay with it.
MIKE: For everything that's taken away, something of greater value is given.
I don't understand.
There's no ending.
- It's like a total cliffhanger.
- Because it's gonna be a trilogy.
HARRIS: Oh, man.
I don't have time for the three books! I got a station to run.
MIKE: You suffer the blow, but you capitalize on the opportunity in its wake.
That's pretty good.
Maybe I should write a book on optimism.
You've always gotta steal my thunder! [MAN LAUGHING.]
Oh, excuse me.
I'm looking for Annie Henry.
Do you know where she is? Oh, if my calculations are correct, she'll be out of the staff meeting in a few minutes.
You look familiar.
You're on TV, right? - Mike Henry.
- Stay informed.
I love that.
I've always wanted a catchphrase.
I'd even settle for a nickname.
Well, I could call you "champ.
" Amazing! You're a machine, Mike.
- What are you doing here, honey? - You forgot your phone.
I would've called to tell you, but you forgot your phone.
- Good one, champ.
- No, you're champ.
Well, I can see you've met Terry McTavish, our new principal.
Yes, it's all my pleasure.
But I should go now.
It's my principle never to overstay my welcome.
Could that be my catchphrase? No.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's probably already been taken.
- That's a fun guy.
- Yeah, that's the problem, Mike, fun doesn't necessarily make a good principal.
He's like a crazed Willy Wonka.
- What is wrong with Willy Wonka? - 'Cause he let those kids die.
No, they disappeared.
Yeah, right into the chocolate river.
You don't survive that.
Dad, what are you doing here? It's bad enough that mom's here every day.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do we embarrass you? - Constantly.
- Well, then you'll love this.
Ugh.
Eve Henry's parents, everybody.
- Whoo! Hi, guys.
- MIKE: How you doing? Eve's mom.
You guys know that I'm a teacher here.
I'm Eve's mom.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
# Da, da, da da, da, da # Da, da, da, da Da, da, da Da, da, da 1x19 - "Health" Hey! Thanks for installing this antivirus software, even if the "virus" turned out to be I dropped it.
It's good to have the software anyway.
I used to get tons of viruses from visiting websites that were totally normal.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Oh, hey, Harris.
- Hey, just bringing by some stuff you left in my apartment when you were, uh [IAN CLEARS THROAT.]
Cat-sitting for me.
Guys, you don't need to tiptoe around me.
I'm a grown man.
I know you guys were doing it.
[GIGGLES.]
Sex.
Thanks.
Uh, where are my luna bars? Uh, what, those delicious energy bars that are unfairly marketed towards women? I haven't seen 'em.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Ugh.
It's my book agent calling calling to talk about my book.
I'd love to go one day without hearing about my book.
[WHISPERS.]
Me too.
"Mane Attraction" is an erotic young adult novel about Kristen and her lover Jessup, a boy who turns into a horse at night, currently being shopped to publishers both foreign and super foreign.
Go for Leigh.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, is this about my book? Because I am not happy.
Her horse book sounds so ridiculous.
Oh, come on.
You don't know that.
Yeah, I do.
I'm reading it right now.
The bad guy owns a glue factory and has poisoned the city's hay supply.
That's it.
I'm printing one up.
Hey, you just can't read that without asking.
- That's an invasion of privacy.
- Even the foreword is hilarious.
She says the details were, "ripped from her personal sexual headlines.
" Personal sexual headlines? - Print me one too.
- Oh, what happened to "invasion of privacy"? I gotta fact-check, man.
I've been misrepresented in erotic fiction before.
Hmm.
Good news, Annie! We've got big changes coming.
You're not gonna need this [STRAINS.]
very well-bound garbage anymore.
Burn it later.
This is what we're teaching now.
The novelization of E.
T.
? - Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm.
- Well, Fahrenheit 451 is a classic.
- It's totally unrelatable.
And E.
T.
is relatable? They'll relate to having seen the movie.
No, that's it.
You are doing a disservice to the kids, and I'm not gonna let you continue to dumb things down.
You're right, Annie.
Why should I tell you how to teach, when I could tell you what to teach? - You're demoting me to health class? - Oh, it's not a demotion.
It's just a reduction in status and title.
That's the definition of a demotion.
Sounds like someone still thinks she's an English teacher.
[CHUCKLES.]
Robin? [GASPS.]
You are teaching senior English from now on.
- English? - Mmm-hmm.
But I have my masters in organic chemistry.
But you can leave the basement.
You forgot your purse.
Keep it.
Whoo-hoo! Okay, sport, remember, if we break something and your mom asks who did it [GLASS SHATTERS.]
It was Ian.
Your boyfriend demoted me.
Harris? I keep telling you, he's a boy who's a friend.
No, McTavish.
He stuck me in health class.
Now, instead of teaching literature, I get to teach this.
- Whoa.
- Is that a sea monster? I think somebody better find another room.
- Is that a sea monster? - Ugh.
I heard what happened, and this is just an outrage, mom.
You should not stand for this.
- Thanks, honey.
- You know what you should do? You should walk out of the doors and never show your face at my school again.
I mean I mean, for your own sense of pride.
Mmm-hmm.
I think somebody should find their brother in the other room.
This sucks, Mike.
You know what they say, "Those who can't do, teach.
Those who can't teach, teach gym.
Those who can't teach gym and not get all handsy, they teach health.
" Look, I know you see this as a setback right now, but I see it as an opportunity.
I am great in these situations.
I mean, I don't wanna say I invented optimism, but let's just say optimism was called, "Sure, feel better, I guess," until I came around.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Mike sucks in these situations.
He doesn't understand that sometimes, you just need to be upset.
You don't want your frown turned upside down.
Let's get this guy turned around.
Stop touching my Stop touching my Stop touching my face, please.
Okay, then at least let me take this half empty glass and replace it with a half full one.
- Because I am your - Waiter at the pity party? You've done this bit before, Mike.
You were in labor.
I didn't think you'd remember.
Sometimes things are just terrible.
For once, please, just let me wallow.
Fine, wallow.
Wallow away.
I'll wallow with you.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Remember, just when things get bad, that's when they get good.
Oh, my God.
NARRATOR: [ON TV.]
This is an age of acne, the cracked voice.
You guys, come on, eyes forward.
This is probably gonna be on a test, at some point, I guess.
The only silver lining about being stuck in this class was being able to tell Mike that he was wrong about there being a silver lining.
I started to feel weird in my body.
Well, you should feel weird, Dan, because you're, like, 35, and you're playing a 14-year-old.
[LAUGHING.]
NARRATOR: The adolescent boy has other problems too, which can be as disturbing to him as his sex pressures.
[BOING.]
Did they just do a "boing" sound effect? Is that what it feels like, Eric? Is that sound that happens in your pants? No? All right, we're gonna shut it off.
I'm done with this.
Okay, um, is it safe to assume that you have learned nothing of practical value in here? - ALL: Yes.
- Okay, great.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna break some things down.
So the "mysterious urges" that they're talking about? That's called being horny.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Anybody got any questions about that? [MUSIC.]
You have to tell your boyfriend he's wrong.
You can definitely get pregnant in a car.
- But it's a Camry.
- Especially then.
Camry's Japanese for "baby.
" Okay, anywhere from here to here.
Whoo! Yes! A new record for pelvic assembly! Yay! [APPLAUDING.]
Although, guys, out in the field, you're gonna wanna use a more gentle touch.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay? The optimistic jackass was right, damn it.
God, I hate my supportive husband.
Teaching English was great.
But with health class, I feel like I'm making a real difference.
I mean, misusing a semi-colon doesn't give you genital warts.
But misuse of a colon can.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, somebody's happy.
Was I right about things looking up? Oh, no, Mike.
I was just smiling because I was thinking about my life before health class.
It was a wistful smile.
Annie, you can keep looking in that rearview mirror, but you'll miss some beautiful sights up ahead.
Yeah, or a stalled gasoline truck.
Right here.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
- And I'm makin' s'mores.
- Over a highly toxic gas fire.
- You're gonna end up in the hospital.
- Where I'll meet a really cute doctor.
Oh, okay.
So you're single in this scenario? Well, you died.
You hit the gas truck.
Gotta quit looking in the past, Annie.
Look to the future.
Your role-play is getting super dark.
Oh, no.
He's on another one of his optimism kicks, where he's so sure that everything's gonna work out for the best.
If I let him know that he's right, I will never hear the end of it.
- He's the king of smug.
- Ugh.
When I moved to New York, he said I couldn't afford it.
So for the last four years, he's been paying for my rent every single month, just to rub it in my face.
Oh, hey, if you wanna start paying your rent, we're totally cool - No, no, no.
Let the baby have his bottle.
- Oh.
And we'll need to get more cameras at that rally.
Make sure everybody has a travel buddy.
- Harris, we need to talk.
- No, we need to learn how to knock.
All right, stay focused, man.
Have you read the horse book yet? Horse book? Horse book? Don't waste my time with that ridiculous Do you love it as much as I do? - Times a thousand.
- But here's my question - His arms become the back legs? - Yes, because the back legs need the gripping capabilities of arms.
Damn, man, her internal logic is airtight.
I was reading it to see if she wrote about me, but then I realized she's writing about humanity.
Horse-manity.
BOTH: Ahh.
But I'm here because mine's missing the final chapter.
Maybe you got it by accident.
- Let me see.
- Come on, come on.
I don't have it either.
I'll be back later.
Just do the news.
Move, man! Count of three first thing that comes to your head is our band's name.
One, two, three.
ALL: Tater tots.
- I hate it.
- Just the worst.
How about the Vas Deferens? - Yeah.
- That's gross.
It's not gross, it's the human body.
The only thing that's gross is ignorance.
- That's what your mom says.
- Uh, wait, what? Her health class is awesome.
Today she let us put different synonyms for "sex" on the board, like [BLEEP.]
and [BLEEP.]
and [BLEEP.]
.
She said your dad calls it "storming the Kremlin.
" She brought my dad into it? Yeah, it's great to have such a fulfilling, intimate relationship.
She told us that cuddling can be just as erotic as sex sometimes.
Ooh, "Erotic Cuddling.
" - Could that be our band name? - Yes! Let's go with that right now.
We found it.
- We gotta write that down.
- It's over.
Annie, you okay in there? MIKE: It had been a few days, but Annie wasn't turning the corner on this.
If anything, she was getting worse.
You've been in the bathtub for three hours.
That can't be healthy.
ANNIE: It's okay, Mike.
I'm a health teacher.
Well, hey, look at you, knowing all about health and stuff.
That's kind of like a silver lining, isn't it? Uh, I I don't know.
Things are pretty bleak.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, hey, could you pass the scissors under the door? - Honey, I don't know if that's a good idea.
- Just do it.
- Hey, guys.
- Enough of the small talk, Leigh.
Cut to the chase.
We read the book.
Are you serious? - That's a huge violation of my privacy - And we loved it.
is what somebody with too many boundaries would say.
Tell me more about this "you loving it" part.
Not enough time.
We need that ending.
Well, I haven't exactly finished it yet.
[BOTH GROAN.]
But I do know that Jessup's gonna die.
No, you can't kill Jessup.
He has to end up with Kristen.
Jessup? Please.
- I'm team Rowan.
- Rowan? He doesn't turn into anything.
Oh, so turning into things is a requirement for a great love interest now? Are we just gonna pretend that Mr.
Darcy never existed?! All right, look, we can compromise.
We just need to think.
Okay.
[EXHALES.]
We? [BOTH SHUSHING.]
I know this whole thing is gonna make your mom stronger, it's just taking forever for her to get there.
Don't you always say it's darkest before the dawn? Graham sucks in these situations.
Yeah, it's just that I wish dawn would happen faster.
Don't you always say these things take time? How can you remember everything I say and forget to wear your underwear to school? [GRUNTS.]
The point is, it's one thing for me to say things are gonna get better.
I have to actually make them better.
I'm gonna go down there, and I'm gonna get mom her old job back.
But when mom wanted her old job back, you said she was wrong.
Graham, buddy take the day off.
Hey, champ.
How's it going? Mike, what a treat! I'm just working on tomorrow's announcements.
Here's what I have so far, "Happy Thursday, students.
" Uh, tomorrow tomorrow's Wednesday.
Well, that was a waste of two hours.
[CHUCKLES.]
Listen, what I wanted to talk to you about was Well, let's do it on the move.
I'm gonna sit in on a class.
[FIRING LASER GUNS.]
This is a class? It fulfills a science and gym requirement all at once.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I gotta tell ya, Mr.
McTavish, - this is, uh, a genius idea.
- Oh, yeah.
It was a terrible idea.
But if I was gonna get Annie's job back, I had to humor this guy.
Let's move! Well, as educational as all this is, I'm really here to talk about Annie.
- She belongs in English class.
- I'm sorry.
Annie's staying put, because she refuses to get with the program.
Ah, behind you, 6:00.
Well, I'm worried your program is bad for students.
8:00.
Do you know how hard it is to keep a job as principal? In this day in age, you have to give the people what they want.
Well, I disagree Oh, 3:30.
[GUN FIRING.]
Mike, the kids don't complain because they're having fun.
The parents don't complain because their children are getting good grades.
Everybody's happy, except the blue squad.
- Come with me.
- I'm not gonna go Aah! [LASER SOUNDS.]
Don't judge me.
I've been a journalist long enough to know that war makes monsters of us all.
But clearly, reason wasn't gonna work with this nutbag.
I was gonna have to do something big.
Why are you teaching my friends about foreplay? Because of you, my band is now named "Erectile Tissue.
" Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
That was just the unit that we were on.
But we're switching to childbirth tomorrow.
Oh, well, that's better.
Hey, do you know where dad keeps the video of your birth? Hey, I hope that's not my Emmy reel.
- Nope.
- Listen.
We gotta get mom her old job back.
- Now McTavish - I'm in.
You don't know what I was gonna say.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'll do anything to get mom out of health class.
That's sweet, honey.
Yeah, well, she is the woman who gave birth to me, and has proof.
McTavish thinks as long as his students are happy, he'll keep his job, so we gotta prove to him that the students are unhappy.
Oh, got it.
Twitter bomb him.
No, something real.
Back in the day, they'd do a walkout.
Dad, I appreciate that you got women the right to vote or whatever, but that's not really how things work now.
ANNIE: I found Ian's birthing tape! You can only see my face for a few seconds at the end! Your way's great.
Let's do your way.
Oh, she can't just go to the prom with Jessup.
- It's too obvious.
- Okay, how about this? She steps out the limo, grabs her clutch, and sees - wait for it Lionel.
- Ooh.
- Who the hell is Lionel? - Her new love interest.
Right when you least expect it, he swoops in, literally.
- He's a bird.
- You just melted my brain.
- Get it down.
- Mmm-hmm.
[CHOKES.]
A bird? There can't be any birds.
It's already about a boy who turns into a horse! Fair point, but hear me out.
What if he's not a horse? Pow.
I don't like it.
I love it! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
What are you talking about?! That is the whole premise.
- Aw, Leigh.
- No! This is why I haven't finished the book! What if I screw up the ending? It's all people will remember.
Has "Lost" taught us nothing? Well, I'm just glad that John Locke came out on top.
- [WHISPERS.]
He died.
- What?! That was not clear.
You know what? Just Just Just finish it yourselves.
- Wow.
- I didn't know he died either.
So how do we do this whole walkout thing? Seriously? The instructions are right there in the title.
You just stand on the table and you rally your troops.
Um, I'm doing this so that I won't be embarrassed anymore.
- Fine, I'll do it.
- Wait, that's worse.
Listen up, meerkats.
It's time to stand up to principal McTavish once and for all.
He demoted one of your best teachers.
Are you gonna take that sitting down, or you gonna join me? Does that mean we have to stand on the tables, too? - That doesn't look safe, dude.
- No, it's a proverbial stand.
What does "proverbial" mean? You seriously can't get that with context clues? Well, if you're with me, I'm leading a walkout right now.
So who's with me? [FARTING.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
You get to leave class for the day! [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Eh, I'll take it.
We need to get these guys going.
Let's start a chant.
I don't know if that'll work.
Any group, no matter how apathetic they are, will join in a chant.
Save Mrs.
Henry! ALL: Save Mrs.
Henry! Save Mrs.
Henry! So they'll say anything? Broccoli grandma motorcycle! Broccoli grandma motorcycle! ALL: Broccoli grandma motorcycle! Broccoli grandma motorcycle! What? I I'm drunk with power.
Mike, you're behind this, hmm? So we're brothers on the battlefield, but nowhere else, huh? I'm just here to take my daughter to lunch, but clearly these people are upset that Annie's been demoted.
This may even be a news story, and you are familiar with my catchphrase.
"Stay informed.
" My God! Just get them back inside! If their parents hear about this, I'm out! - So Annie gets her old job back? - [GRUNTS.]
Fine.
But I'm not caving in to these outrageous "broccoli grandma motorcycle" demands! [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
ALL: [CHANTING.]
Broccoli grandma motorcycle! And that is why male nipples are not just aesthetic.
Now if [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Hey, what are you doing here? - Champ got your job back.
For the last time, you're champ.
- You what? - Yeah, I lead a walkout.
The whole school was out there, except this class.
- What's going on? - We just wanted to stay.
You know what? I think I do, too.
Are you serious? You know, I climbed on a table.
[LAUGHS.]
Wait.
If you're teaching sea monsters in here, then what are they teaching in sea monster class? Peace offering? Thanks.
Actually, the luna bars are for m Okay, you can keep 'em.
Hey, I'm sorry we tried to take over, Leigh.
It's only because we love your story so much.
Honestly, I had never been so passionate about a book since the novelization of E.
T.
Well, I guess I should thank you.
I realized that nothing I came up with could possibly be any worse than your ideas.
[CHUCKLES.]
And that inspired me to finish.
Ooh, cool, cool.
Uh, we'll read it later, whenever we get a chance.
- Oh, my God.
Rowan lost the amulet.
- What?! Okay, give me that.
- Sorry.
No.
- Hey! Let me see that! I'm sorry I faked being unhappy.
Are you mad? Hey, you're happy, I'm happy.
I just wish you would've told me sooner so I wouldn't go through all the effort.
Oh, yeah, 'cause I should've assumed that you would organize a school-wide walkout on my behalf.
[CHUCKLES.]
It was crazy.
You know what's crazier? I abandoned my whole philosophy.
I was telling you not to worry about what you couldn't control, - and I was trying to control everything.
- You know what, Mike? You might see this as a setback, but you know what I see? - Opportunity.
- Is that what I sound like? Gross.
Opportunity? What, I should "storm the Kremlin?" - Mmm.
- Ahh.
[CHUCKLES.]
MIKE: We'll work our way up to Red square.
[MUSIC.]
Honey, I know it makes you uncomfortable, but I think I'm gonna stick with health class, kiddo.
It's fine.
I'm over it.
- I'm gonna go play with Erectile Tissue.
- Hmm-huh? Don't worry, it's just the name of her band.
I'm still not okay with it.
MIKE: For everything that's taken away, something of greater value is given.
I don't understand.
There's no ending.
- It's like a total cliffhanger.
- Because it's gonna be a trilogy.
HARRIS: Oh, man.
I don't have time for the three books! I got a station to run.
MIKE: You suffer the blow, but you capitalize on the opportunity in its wake.
That's pretty good.
Maybe I should write a book on optimism.
You've always gotta steal my thunder! [MAN LAUGHING.]