The Millers (2013) s01e19 Episode Script

Nathan, you ready to hit it? Mm, not yet.
You see that blonde doing yoga over there? My mom said something to her a couple of minutes ago, and she's been flirting with me, ever since.
Peekaboo! She's ready to freakaboo, I'm telling you.
Hit her back.
All right.
I don't know what my mom said to her, but for once, she's actually helping.
What you waiting for? Go over there, talk to her get her phone number.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you misunderstood me.
I said my son, Nathan, was highly regarded.
Oh.
Then why were you playing peekaboo with me? I don't know.
You started it.
I'm not lying.
My Uncle's real name is Carmine Electra.
What's with the ice pack and the scissors? Your father came over this morning.
He woke up with gum in his hair again.
Strange thing is, I don't chew gum.
It makes my jawline too defined, and everyone mistakes me for Jon Hamm.
Ouch! You're hurting me! Just chug a beer and let her rip it out.
That's how I get though waxing.
If I'd known you two had been back so early I would have made us all lunch.
Lunch? It's 4:00.
I have a dentist appointment at 4:00.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Help me find my purse! Mom, why are you flipping out? - Just reschedule.
- I can't! The receptionist said they have a strict cancellation policy.
It's $75! Mom, relax, it's just $75.
Just $75?! What's next? Just a little heroin? Just a little murder?! What about my hair?! Ow! You don't like it, find a girlfriend already so someone else can cut things off your body.
Let's go! Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it! Okay, here's our story We were late because we were planning you and Ray's wedding.
No one's gonna mess with a biracial gay couple.
Listen, I'm not lying, okay? I-I am a trusted member of the WXDN news team, and I took an oath to always tell the truth.
And to never get fat.
Well, we better come up with something.
A good excuse doesn't just fall out of the sky.
I want nothing to do with this.
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
Are you okay? I'm just learning to use this wheelchair.
I sprained both my ankles this morning chasing after a baby thief.
Poor thing! Actually, I was here over an hour ago, but as I was coming in, I noticed a mother duck and eight little ducklings wandering into traffic.
I couldn't help myself.
I gathered them all up and gave them a ride to the lake.
Oh.
That's why I'm so late for my appointment with Dr.
Vega.
You must be Carol Miller? Let me look and see if there's another time Dr.
Vega can squeeze you in.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Wow, Nathan, check it out.
Hot dentist.
If they all looked like that, this country wouldn't have such bad breath.
Man, she is cute.
- All right, dibs.
- What? Dibs.
I'm calling dibs.
Dibs? Dibs are something white people invented so it makes it okay to steal.
Listen, hey, the only reason we're here is because of my mom's appointment.
When we take your mother to her dentist, you get dibs.
You know damn well my mom doesn't have any teeth.
All right, all right, how about, uh, rock, paper, scissors? Fine.
One, two, three.
- Go! - Yes, I win! Paper beats rock.
In what world does paper beat rock? If we were in a alley and you came at me with a piece of paper and I had a rock, I would beat your ass! Listen, tell you what.
If you back down, I promise that I'll let you pick the radio station in the van, and I'll drive so you can stick your head out the sunroof.
Fine.
One last thing.
For the next week, every time you see me, you have to curtsy.
Fine.
Excuse me.
Uh, can you tell me where the bathroom is? The door to your left.
Oh.
Kind of messes up my plan.
You have a bathroom plan? Uh, the idea was that I'd ask for the bathroom, and then you'd give me complicated directions, probably involving a key and a giant toothbrush, and I'd make a joke like, "oh, does Julia Roberts know that you stole her toothbrush?" because she's got a really big mouth.
Anyway, you make a charming comment in return, and by the time I actually got the key, we'd be making plans involving you and me and your favorite restaurant.
Was that your plan? Or was your plan to talk about how your plan failed and come off as endearingly frazzled in the process? Maybe, I don't know.
I'm actually kind of too frazzled to say.
Psst, check it out.
Got her number, we're going out Saturday night.
Oh, good for you.
Now grab that imaginary skirt and get low.
For real.
Okay, Mrs.
Miller, how is day after tomorrow same time? Will that work? Oh, perfect.
I gotta tell ya, I've really been stressing out about that cancellation fee.
Oh, no-no-no-no-no, don't stress.
It's only $75.
How would you like to pay, with the credit card on file? Yeah, go ahead, charge the card.
Dad, how does this keep happening? I swear, I'm not going to bed with gum in my mouth.
There's only one logical explanation Gum I swallowed years ago is working its way up my body and out my mouth.
Not possible.
Even if the body can't process something, it'll end up coming out the other end.
When Mikayla was four, she ate the entire contents of a dollhouse.
Everything came out, but it was no longer a dream house.
Hey, uh, Deb, where are Adam's crutches from his leg extension surgery? They weren't in the garage.
I'm not sure.
Why? I need them for my dentist appointment tomorrow.
I can't go straight from a wheelchair to walking.
Even in my lies I have integrity.
My crutches are in the basement.
Along with my old leg braces and my signed Michael Jordan jersey.
There was some confusion.
They thought I was a make-a-wish kid.
Hey, listen, Deb, I need a favor.
Uh! You can't keep borrowing my concealer.
Just buy your own.
What? I don't use concealer.
Listen, no, no, I need you to take mom to her appointment tomorrow.
I got a date with her new dentist, and I don't need her interrogating her before that.
Oh, date with a dentist.
Hey, is she any good? We're gonna need a new dentist with dad's nighttime gum addiction.
I don't chew gum! I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Debbie, where is that pink teddy bear nanny cam you bought? Um, it's in our bedroom.
Wait a second.
There's a camera in our bedroom? I'm an athlete, okay? I get better by looking at game tape.
Listen, Deb, what do you say? Will you take her? Come on.
I need to see if there's a connection with this woman before mom can interfere.
You know how mom can make things more complicated than they need to be.
I, uh, went with the leg braces.
No.
Adam, how did you ever walk in these things? Oh, I didn't.
I rode piggyback on my mom and used her necklace to steer her like a horse.
Okay, fine, I'll take her to the dentist.
But mostly because I want to see when Optimus Prime over there transforms herself back into a tractor trailer.
Mom, is all this really necessary? I want every step I take, every spark I make to remind her of the $75 fee she took from a fake invalid.
Oh, Mrs.
Miller! Hello, there.
Day by day, getting stronger and stronger.
I was just about to call you.
Unfortunately, Dr.
Vega needs to cancel.
Cancel? A patient emergency came up.
Did it? Interesting.
We will have to reschedule.
No problem.
So, how would you like to handle this? I take cash, or you can just refund the money to my credit card.
Excuse me? I also have a strict cancellation policy.
$75.
I see what you're driving at, but this was an unforeseen emergency.
And my two broken feet weren't? First, I thought they were sprained.
Second, you're not getting any money.
Then I'm gonna have to get my $75 another way.
Four dollars-worth of butterscotch.
Ah, that lamp looks nice.
Okay, uh, mom You can't be serious.
- Oh, she's very serious.
- Oh, I'm very serious.
Security? Hey.
Hi, there.
Hey, listen, um, usually I'm the first person to do the whole crazy lady signal behind her back, but, you know, maybe since you're canceling on her right after she paid your fee, you just bend the rules a little bit.
Are you seriously closing that in my face? Oh, my God, for real?! Okay, crazy lady, do your thing! Quick, stick your hand in.
Herd a couple of those sea horses into my cup.
- Get in there! Get in there! - Giddyup! I want to thank you all for coming.
I have an announcement to make.
After much heartfelt deliberation, I have decided to add another business to the Miller's boycott list.
What's the boycott list? Over the years, mom has compiled a list of businesses that have wronged her one way or another.
Oh, not just businesses.
Bradbury Park is on the list.
I don't care if the placard says it's an orchid.
That new fountain looks like a vagina.
Once my mom puts something on the list, we're not allowed to go there anymore.
And the new entry is Please be school, please be school.
Dr.
Sonia Vega's dental center.
What? This time Dr.
Vega cancelled on me.
But they wouldn't honor my $75 fee.
So I tried to even the score by liberating a few items from her office.
Long story short, it's not easy scaling a chain-link fence in leg braces.
You know what else isn't easy to do with leg braces? Get a date to homecoming.
I've made laminated wallet-sized copies of the updated list.
Pass these around.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to prank call Dr.
Vega's office.
How do I block caller ID again? Star 67.
Thank you.
Debbie, this is exactly the kind of disaster I was trying to avoid.
How did this happen?! I don't know.
I mean, the receptionist closed the window in my face, and the next thing I knew, I was running across the parking lot with a cup full of fish! All is not lost.
Now I get a chance to swoop in on the sexy dentist.
No, there's gonna be no swooping, Ray, okay? I'm not gonna let mom ruin this for me.
I'm keeping my date with Sonia.
But she's on the list.
If mom finds out, you're asking for a lot of drama.
She's not gonna find out, 'cause I'm making dinner reservations at Antonio's.
Nathan, you can't go there.
Antonio's was what started this whole boycott list.
That's how she'll never know.
There's no reason that Sonia has to pass the mom test before she passes the Nathan test.
Questions such as, but not limited to Does she like hockey? Is she okay with my monthly spa day? Does she have an attractive sneeze? I mean like, there's no way I would've married Janice if I'd known that her sneeze was like the flush of an airplane toilet.
I can't believe you're going to Antonio's.
Geez, I miss those garlic knots.
The garlic knots.
What are garlic knots? Oh, they're just the most delicious, plump, doughy bread puffs you've ever tasted.
How could I put this in terms that you'd understand? Um, if a One Direction song was made out of bread, that would be it.
Yummy! Hey, you bring us back some of those garlic knots, and we won't say a word.
Deal.
What did Antonio's ever do to your mom? They wouldn't let her in because she wasn't wearing a jacket and a tie.
She had a very short haircut at the time.
It wasn't a fun ride home.
It's a shame Nathan's working tonight.
That "meatless meat loaf" was really interesting.
Oh, did you like it? "Yes.
" well, it took me a couple of times to get it to work, but I finally got the teddy bear cam to record me sleeping.
And it turns out, I'm not an idiot.
That's right, Tom.
You're highly regarded.
Wow! That kid looks just like me.
Mikayla, why would you do that? Now, don't be too mad at her.
We share a wall, and my snoring was obviously keeping her up.
And interrupting my dreams about One Direction.
I was just trying to give his mouth something else to do.
I suffered through his snoring for years.
The only thing worse was when he'd stop breathing for a minute.
Such a tease.
Now, honey, why wouldn't you just say something? I mean, it's not right to lie.
I never lied.
If anyone had asked me if I was putting gum in grandpa's mouth when he was sleeping, I would've said yes.
Sweetheart, not saying something is the same thing as lying.
Sometimes it's even sneakier than an outright fib.
I didn't think of it that way.
Sorry.
So, I guess we should tell grandma where Uncle Nate really is tonight.
I can tell I'm on a date with a TV reporter.
You ask a ton of questions, and I think you might still be wearing a little makeup? No, it's not, it's not makeup.
It's just, uh, blush, gloss and a little bit of liner to pop the anyway! You are just such an interesting subject.
You know, it's not every day that I meet a hockey fan who's also open to a his and hers spa day.
Why would two people not want to be on the same hair-removal cycle? Okay, it's my turn to ask the question.
Sure, ask me anything you want.
Actually, you know what? First, does this pepper smell a little bit weird? Oh, like a baby panda.
Mom.
Hello, Nathan.
Oh, you must be Dr.
Sonia Vega.
Nice to meet you.
What are you doing here? A little birdie told me that you were bringing some of Antonio's famous garlic knots home to the family, so I decided to save you the trouble and pick them up myself.
I'm going to go check to see if our table is ready.
Okay, um listen Hey, listen, I'm I'm really sorry.
I-I promise my mom doesn't usually show up on dates.
Oh, take your time.
Oh.
Adorable.
God, I hope she has allergies.
Of all the restaurants and all the dentists in Loudoun County, you had Mom, before you start in, I'm sorry, okay? But you got to understand that I'm not exactly a spring chicken, okay? Y-yes, maybe I want to get married again one day.
So when I meet somebody I like, I got to move on it.
No matter what your stupid boycott list says.
And-and Sonia's great.
She and I are the exact number of episodes behind on Downton Abbey.
So, you really like this girl, huh? I'm starting to.
Then you know what? I can let this go.
There are more important things in life.
Like my son's happiness, and me getting more grandbabies.
I've knit so many things for the neighbor's dog he stopped growing fur.
Thanks, mom.
Enjoy your date.
Gentlemen, can I top these garlic knots off for you? Mmm.
Hello, old friends.
My grudge was never with you.
Did your mom leave? Yeah, she had to go back to our her house.
Our table's ready.
I-I just want to pay the bartender for our drinks.
Oh, here, let me get it.
Oh, no, no.
I have a $100 bill I need to break anyway.
Wait a minute.
All I have is a $20 and five crumpled ones.
I know for a fact that I had a $100 bill in here.
What kind of lunatic would rob somebody and leave them change? Oh, you're home early.
Yeah, of course I'm home early.
Sonia's appetite dwindled when she learned that my mother stole $75 out of her purse.
You told her? Yeah, I had to.
She caught me with my hand in her purse, trying to put money back in.
Tried to tell her I was reaching for moisturizer, but she didn't believe me 'cause my stupid skin is so flawless.
I can't believe you gave her the money back.
The score was even.
We can't start a relationship with this woman on an uneven playing field.
"We"? You know what? That's actually the hardest reality of this situation.
Not only do I have to find a woman who is smart, pretty and funny, she's also got to be willing to date my mom.
Let's face it, my odds are slim.
Ah.
Oh, that's probably Debbie bringing leftover "meatless meat loaf" because she doesn't understand "sarcasm.
" Sonia.
I'm sorry I overreacted.
I've never been robbed by a date's mother.
In Cuba, it's always the father who does it.
Collecting a debt is not robbery.
- Mom! - No, no.
She has a point.
I thought about it and, Nathan, you should take your money back.
I don't want this to be hanging over our heads on our next date.
No, l-listen.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I-I can't ta Wait, did, did you say "next date"? That's very big of you.
And in that same spirit, I feel I should tell you I'm the one who hung up on your receptionist 300 times.
Okay, listen, mom, you know that, uh, that real nice, uh, doormat I've got says "mi casa es su casa"? Yes.
I'm gonna smother you with it if you don't get in the kitchen.
Are-are you sure about another date? Because, um, she's, um, she's not going anywhere ever.
She, uh, she lives with me.
And there's no shame in that.
Unless you share a bedroom.
You don't share a bedroom, do you? No.
No.
Except on Christmas Eve.
She likes to see my face when I wake up, so Anyway, look, my-my my mother is crazy, okay? So I get it I-if you don't want to I can handle your mother.
Call me.
Yeah, I, uh, I will.
That looked like a nice kiss.
Good night, mother.
I'm taking Dr.
Vega off the boycott list right now.
Hey.
Where are my new sunglasses? The case and glasses are completely gone.
I told you I can handle your mother.
See you soon.
They're not in the kitchen.
Well.
I'm sure they're here somewhere.
Keep looking.
Try the roof.