The Munsters (1964) s01e19 Episode Script

Herman, has Eddie come home from school yet? Uh, I don't know, Lily.
I just got home myself.
I had to stay a little late at the parlor and lay out some things for the boss.
Well, I'm about to fix supper, and I want to ask him about dessert.
So, let me know when Eddie comes in.
- Hmm? - I said, will you let me know when Eddie comes home? Oh.
Yes, dear.
[Door Opens.]
I'll never go again! Never, never, never! You can do anything you want to me! I'll never go back! Not in my whole life.
! I don't care what you do to me.
I won't go back even if I die.
Never, never, never, never! I'm through with school.
Never again! I wouldn't go back if I died a hundred-million thousand times.
! [Door Closes.]
Lily.
Oh, Lily.
Yes, dear? I think Eddie's home from school.
But, Herman, if Eddie said all those things about being through with school, there must be a reason.
Didn't you even ask him? Well, maybe they just sent him home.
Kids are always playing pranks.
I remember when I went to school.
Some of the kids used to put the girls' pigtails in the inkwells.
Of course, I put the girls in the inkwells.
Grandpa, please.
Did you ask him why he was so definite about quitting school? Well, no.
With Little Orphan Annie in such a mess, I guess I just didn't get around to it.
Well, it's hard to concentrate on two things at once, you know.
Oh, Herman, you make me so angry.
Now, I want you to go upstairs right now and have a father-and-son talk with Eddie.
All right, dear.
All right.
But wouldn't it be better if Eddie came down here, so I could sort of lean on the mantel while we talk man-to-man? - Why in the world would you want to do that? - Oh, I don't know.
I just always thought Robert Young had great success leaning on the mantel.
[Chuckles.]
Oh.
Oh.
Herman, will you get upstairs! Yes, dear.
Eddie.
Uh Hello in there.
Uh, it's me.
Um, your father.
Herman Munster.
[Footsteps Approaching.]
Uh Uh, may I come in? Sure, Pop.
[Clears Throat.]
Uh, Eddie, I came up here to have a little talk with you.
Uh, man-to-man.
Mom made ya, huh? No, I wouldn't say your mother made me.
Uh, naturally, I'm curious to know why you said all those things about quitting school.
Well, then, how come you didn't say anything when I came home? All you did was sit there and read your old newspaper.
Eddie, your father's a very busy man, and you must realize that when I come home, I have lots of business problems on my mind.
The solution to which often depends on a thorough and concentrated perusal of world events in the newspaper.
Boy, that Little Orphan Annie must be in a real jam.
Oh, she is.
But, you know, I think Daddy Warbucks is Eddie.
That is not the point.
The point is I came up here to find out why you've suddenly turned against school.
It's just that I can't go back there ever again on account of what happened today.
Eddie, whatever the problem is, you can tell old Dad.
Well, today at recess the kids made up a nickname for me.
- And they called me by it.
- They called you a nickname? Hmm.
What in the world could anyone think of to call you? Oh, it was awful, Dad.
Wherever I went, some kid popped up and called me Oh.
- Called you what? - I can't say it.
It's too awful to repeat even to my own father.
Eddie, as your father, I demand to be told.
- What's the nickname? - It's It's Shorty.
Shorty? Yeah.
And they made it up for no good reason, except I'm the shortest boy in my class.
I see.
Eddie, do you know what a very wise man once said? What? He said, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me.
" That's because nobody ever called him Shorty.
Why do I have to be short? Why can't I be big and tall like my hero? Eddie, I don't know who this hero is that you're talking about, but, uh, take it from me, he's probably not worth looking up to at all.
[Chuckles.]
Lots of so-called heroes are just conceited, vain, good-for-nothings as a rule.
But, Dad, the hero I'm talking about is you.
Oh.
Well, Eddie, there are exceptions to every rule, aren't there? [Chortles.]
[Lily.]
Please, darling, eat.
I'm eating.
I'm eating.
- I'm talking to Eddie.
- Oh.
- Herman.
- Yes, dear? I know you've had a talk with Eddie, but I don't think we should allow our child to be tormented in school any longer.
I feel that we should complain to the teacher, the principal and, if necessary, to the Board of Education.
Why go through all this red tape when I can solve this problem with a plain, old-fashioned spelling bee? What's a "plain, old-fashioned" spelling bee? Well, you see, I invite all the little boys and girls who call Eddie "Shorty" to a free party, and then, when they get here, I cast a spell over them and turn them into kangaroos.
Gee, that sounds great, Grandpa! Will you do it? No.
Grandpa will do no such thing.
That's right, Grandpa.
I'm sure if there's one thing Eddie doesn't need it's your broken-down magic.
Ha! Gee, Dad, how am I gonna face the other kids in school tomorrow? They're still gonna call me Shorty.
Eddie, I'm sure it's strictly a psychological problem.
And I'm sure that you can overcome it with the proper psychological attitude.
In other words, plant both feet firmly on the ground and keep your chin up.
I'll try, Pop.
[Grandpa.]
It's okay to have your feet firmly planted on the ground, Eddie, but if you keep your chin up that high, you're a sucker for a left hook.
Oh, sorry, Grandpa.
Shh.
Not so loud.
I don't want your father to hear that I'm teaching you about boxing.
Ooh.
That man is so opposed to violence, if he found out, he'd kill me.
Okay.
How's this, Grandpa? That's pretty good.
Now, keep your hands up high and your weight evenly balanced.
Now should I try to hit you? Oh, not yet.
I have to work out a plan of strategy for you.
Now, we'll pretend that I'm one of your classmates and we're standing in a school yard waiting to fight because I called you Shorty.
And just as we're ready to go, you point behind me and say, "Hold it.
A teacher is coming.
" See? And then as I turn to look [Whistles.]
Left and right in the stomach.
Got that? Okay.
Now, let's get set.
Hold it.
A teacher's comin'.
Where? [Groans.]
Hey, that works great, Grandpa.
- You're telling me.
- But isn't that fighting dirty? Only if you use it against girls.
Try it again, okay? Now get set.
Hold it.
My father's comin'.
Not "my father.
" "A teacher is coming.
" Want to bet? Oh.
Hiya, Herman.
What's new? Grandpa, I want you and Eddie to take off those boxing gloves right now.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Are these boxing gloves? Yes, they are.
Eddie, you know we're wearing boxing gloves? L I wonder where they came from.
Yeah.
Me too.
Grandpa, get 'em off.
I am really disappointed in you.
Imagine.
A grandfather training his own grandson in brutality.
But we didn't even get to brutality.
I was just starting Grandpa, I said no violence, and I mean no violence.
Hmm.
You know, Eddie, I love him, but there are times I'd like to bite him right in the throat.
Good night, Grandpa.
You're going to bed? I have to get plenty of rest so I'll have enough energy to cry all day tomorrow when the kids call me Shorty.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Come back.
[Chuckles.]
You won't have to cry all day tomorrow.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have to cry again because somebody calls you Shorty.
Why not? Why not? [Laughs.]
Because your adoring grandpa is gonna give you a magic potion that will make you grow six inches overnight.
Six inches? Maybe seven.
Did you ever use it before? Did I ever try it before? I once gave it to a pirate friend of mine who was only five feet tall.
- Did it work? - "Did it work"? Didn't you ever hear of Long John Silver? It's what is known in the trade as a magic milk shake.
Six inches? Overnight? Yeah.
Six inches.
And when you wake up tomorrow morning, you look in the mirror, you'll see the tallest boy in the class.
Bottoms up.
Good, good.
Now, nighty-night and sleep tight.
[Herman.]
Lily, today is a school day.
The child belongs in school.
[Lily.]
With a beard? Oh, Uncle Herman, you can't expect Eddie to go to school when he looks so different from all the other kids.
Eddie Herman, Herman.
Speak gently.
He's in a state of shock.
Eddie, uh, come upstairs.
I'll give you a quick shave.
It won't help.
That's funny.
I thought I heard a noise.
It was me.
I said it won't help.
I heard it again.
I think it's coming from that chair.
Hmm.
I can't understand it.
Nobody's sitting here.
Oh, come on, Herman.
Knock it off.
Will you stop with the silent treatment? Why won't a shave help? Well, at the rate Eddie grows whiskers, he'll have five-o'clock shadow by 9:00 a.
m.
And whose fault is that? He spoke to me! He spoke to me! He did! [Laughs.]
My daughter's husband spoke to me.
See? I want you two to stop fighting.
Now Now you make up and bury the shovel.
I said I was sorry, didn't I? Oh, Grandpa, sometimes saying "I'm sorry" just isn't enough.
Amen.
Some magic milk shake.
Well, how was I to know I had inferior ingredients? Now he's blaming it on the ingredients.
That's right.
It must have been the he-frog.
The what? The he-frog, as distinguished from the she-frog.
You see, the recipe called for the powdered shinbone of a he-frog.
Only they just don't make 'em the way they used to.
I should have saved that one from the 15th century.
Boy, those he-frogs from the 15th century, they were terrific.
I remember once I said to Queen Isabella - Eddie, don't scratch it.
- But it itches.
I think there's a hunk of bacon in there from breakfast.
I don't care.
Don't scratch it.
Mommy will run the vacuum cleaner through it later.
Herman, Eddie should see a doctor immediately.
Uh, I agree.
Why don't you take him down to see our family doctor Dr.
Dudley.
No.
No.
I think you should take him.
After all, you are the boy's father, and it's a very serious problem.
I still wish you'd take him.
Why? Because if I walk down the street with a boy wearing a beard, everybody's gonna stare at me.
That's why.
Oh, nonsense.
The least you could do would be to phone the parlor, ask for the morning off to take your son to the doctor.
[Chuckles.]
That's true, Herman.
And I have a clever idea how to disguise Eddie so you won't be embarrassed when you walk down the street.
Oh, Grandpa, don't try any more of your magic on him.
No, Grandpa.
Don't you try turning him into anything.
I have no intention of hopping across town with a bearded kangaroo.
Don't you worry, Herman.
Eddie, come with me.
Eddie, you know who you look like? Who? Mitch Miller.
[Wails.]
I'm sorry, Eddie.
I'm sorry.
I was only kidding.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
All right, Miss Fairchild, next patient.
Are you emotionally prepared? E-Emotionally prepared for what? Mr.
Herman Munster.
Oh, no.
I'll never forget the last house call I made there.
I was writing out an order for an autopsy when Mr.
Munster double-crossed me and sat up in bed.
Well, today we have Mr.
Herman Munster and son.
And son? Mr.
Munster had the guts to become a father? Apparently.
Do they, uh, look alike? No.
The little boy is much shorter.
That's not what I meant.
Do they look alike in well, for lack of a better word, the face? Why don't you peek in the waiting room and see for yourself? All righty.
I will.
Oh, no.
Mr.
Munster's face is bad enough.
Imagine what his son's must look like if he has to cover it with a paper bag.
Shall I show them in now? Yes, but you better have Miss Hansen stand by with an anesthetic.
For the patient? No.
For me.
Oh, uh Uh, good day, Dr.
Dudley.
Good day, Mr.
Munster.
And what, uh [Chuckles.]
I mean, uh, who have we here? Uh, this is my son, Dr.
Dudley.
[Chuckles.]
And, uh, what's your name, little man? [Muffled.]
Edward Wolfgang Munster.
[Chuckles.]
Pardon me, I didn't quite get it.
Uh, Edward Wolfgang Munster.
Oh.
Uh, will you, uh, please both be seated? Oh, thank you.
[Sighs.]
Okay, Eddie.
We're gonna let the doctor see your face.
How old is little Eddie Wolfgang again, Mr.
Munster? He's 10.
Ten.
Excuse me just a minute.
All righty.
Shall we have a go at it again? Oh, my goodness.
Has he had it since birth? Uh, the head? Oh.
Oh, yes.
That's the original.
The beard.
Oh.
Uh, only since this morning.
His grandfather gave him a frog-leg cocktail yesterday to make him grow, but it just grew a beard.
Excuse me just a minute.
You want a snap diagnosis? Will a snap cure go with it? Yes.
- Shoot.
- Edward Wolfgang's beard is the result of a certain metabolic imbalance, induced by what appear to be metaphysical or esoteric stimuli unknown to present-day medicine.
I see.
And the cure? Lay in a big supply of paper bags.
Eddie, don't get your beard in your soup.
- Uncle Herman.
- What? - Didn't Dr.
Dudley say anything constructive? - No.
When I rejected the paper bag theory, he suggested that Eddie get used to a new nickname Fuzzy.
That's even worse than Shorty.
We all know who we have to thank for that.
For your information, Herman, I'm gonna make it up to him.
- How? - I'm gonna make him my partner.
- A partner in what? - Well, you remember that potion that Eddie drank? How could we forget it? I'm gonna mass-produce it and sell it at three dollars a bottle as a sure cure for baldness.
Eddie, Eddie, sit up straight.
I'll make a fortune, and I'll split with him 60-40.
What's the matter with 50-50? You want me to split 50-50 with a 10-year-old kid? - Grandpa, I don't want you to do anything.
Just - Eddie, be careful.
Look! - What happened? - Well, the soup's disintegrated Eddie's beard.
She's right.
Dunk it again.
No.
No.
Don't move.
Look.
! The The beard's gone.
[Sighs.]
Thank goodness.
I wouldn't want to go through life with a son who looked like General Grant.
There goes my surefire cure for baldness.
- Is it really gone? - Look in the mirror and see.
Yippee! [Laughs.]
Well, I don't know how this reflects on my cooking, but my child comes first.
[Herman.]
Uh Uh, Lily, Eddie.
Please, sit down.
- Eddie.
- Yes, sir.
Now that your problem is solved, have you learned a lesson? - I think so.
- What? I'll never tell Mom I don't like her homemade soup again.
- That's not what I had in mind.
- It isn't? The lesson I want you to learn is it doesn't matter what you look like.
You can be tall or short or fat or thin or ugly or handsome, like your father, or you can be black or yellow or white it doesn't matter.
What does matter is the size of your heart and the strength of your character.
Eddie, do you understand what your father means? - Mmm.
- Well, now, Eddie, now that you've solved one of the little problems of growing up, let's get on with our meal.
Herman, you know something? What, Grandpa? You're all right.
You aren't perfect, but you're all right.
Thank you.
Hello, Lily, dear.
Hello, Herman, dear.
Herman, you've gotta talk to Eddie.
Yes, he's up in his room crying.
What happened today? Well, he was playing baseball with some other boys in the neighborhood, and he struck out with two out and the bases loaded.
Poor kid.
He must feel awful.
Um, I'll go upstairs and talk to him.
Herman, Lily, I've got an idea that can solve this whole problem.
What? What? If I could get ahold of a bat a baseball bat once used by Stan "The Man" Musial I could take it down into the lab, crush it into a fine powder, so he would be able to digest it.
I remember once saying to