The Twilight Zone (1959) s01e19 Episode Script
The Purple Testament
§§ For he's a jolly good fellow §§ §§ For he's a jolly good fellow §§ §§ For he's a jolly good fellow §§ §§ Which nobody can deny §§ Do your candle, dude! OK.
Come on, buddy.
OK.
You really got me, Joe.
That's a good one.
So, Charlie, you doin' anything special for your birthday tonight? Well, if you consider doing laundry special.
People! People, come on! Run.
Save yourself.
Come on.
This is what happens when I'm stuck in traffic? Sorry, Rick.
Just, you know, a little birthday thing.
Totally spontaneous.
Won't happen again.
Are you done? What? You thought I forgot? Open it.
It's not a bomb.
I got him at a garage sale.
Hit him on the head.
You da man! Go on, hit him again.
If you can't do it, nobody can.
Yeah, just what I need.
A real kick in the pants.
You're gonna need one today, buddy.
I want you to dig up all the original manufacturing manifests from last April to about September.
I'm lookin' for any mention of Ovatril.
Six months of hard copies? I'll be forty by the time I'm through.
You find me what I'm lookin' for by 3:00 today we'll talk about a promotion.
Huh? Yeah, that's great, but by 3:00? I'd have to clone myself.
Yeah, well, do what you gotta do, OK, Charlie? Because if you let me down, you're fired.
Charlie Stickney has never had quite enough confidence to stand up for himself.
But today is different.
Today is a day of reckoning a test of character, a battle of wills thanks to a very unusual toy made in the Twilight Zone.
I knew it.
I should have called in sick today.
Today's the day! I need a little more motivation than that.
What you need is an attitude adjustment.
You think? I don't think, I know.
And wipe that stupid smile off your face.
You are traveling to another dimension-- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.
A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are only that of the imagination.
You're entering "Time to get up and at 'em with a little help "from the world's greatest motivator.
"Tap his head firmly, and Mr.
Motivation will inspire you with dozens of different affirmations.
" Good times are just ahead! Promises, promises.
Stop whining, you loser.
What you got there, Charlie? Oh, just this stupid gag gift.
From Rick.
God, he's such a jerk.
Yeah, well, I guess that's what happens when your uncle is the C.
F.
O.
I'm surprised you don't quit.
You know, I've thought about it once or twice--an hour.
Actually, l--I sent out some resumes once and all I got back were condolence cards.
Well, it's nice to see that Rick hasn't killed your sense of humor.
Mmm, it's on his "to do" list.
Well, at least the benefits here are pretty good.
Actually, human resources is taking a poll to see if we should keep our existing health coverage or switch to a plan which gives more coverage to employees but less for dependants.
I kind of have a dependant.
Oh.
It's my dad.
The benefit that we have now covers his hospice care and-- Well, look.
Just put me down for not wanting to switch.
You know what? You're right.
I'm voting to keep the old plan, too.
Listen I've got to get something done for Rick by 3:00 or I'm gonna be needing some major medical coverage.
I'll let you get back to work.
Hey, nice buns! Did you just say "nice buns"? Did I say that out loud? Uh-huh.
You know, I was thinking of buns.
-Oh.
-Nice -cinnamon buns.
-I like cinnamon buns.
Do you know a good place? Yeah, you know, actually, there's this great place over on Eighth Street Well, then, maybe we should go, like, tonight? Tonight works for me Charlie.
I'll meet you here after work.
He shoots, he scores! You know, it'll figure that Rick would give me Hey, hey, hey, where's the gratitude? It's-- You, my friend, are the one who needs an attitude adjustment.
Is this all you've got? Are you trying to get yourself fired? Look, I'm sorry, Rick.
It's just-- It's been a little crazy around here.
My office.
Now.
Hopkins called an emergency meeting at 3:00 today.
Word is it's about Ovatril.
What do you know about Ovatril? It's a birth-control pill.
Let's say hypothetically I come across a shipment of Ovatril that's been mismarked.
Meaning, those units will expire a whole year before their pull date.
Well, you're talkin' a major recall.
That's one option-- a very costly option.
But we all know that drugs don't expire overnight.
They simply lose their potency over time.
And birth control's only 99% effective at best.
So it's virtually impossible to prove Ovatril wasn't working.
So, you covered up those mismarked shipments To avoid a recall.
Save the company tons of money.
Hypothetically speaking.
I knew you had a brain in that skull, Charlie.
What if someone finds out? Oh, no one's gonna find out.
Because I'm gonna change the dates on that manifest before Hopkins sees it.
Rick, isn't that -What? -Well, you know fraud? Charlie.
Oh, Charlie.
Don't think of it as fraud.
Think of it as an opportunity.
You find me that manifest and that promotion starts next week.
Go.
Yes.
Hell, I hope he comes through.
Hello? Yes, Rick.
No, I just got back to the cubicle.
Yeah, you'll be the first to know.
OK.
Ass.
Yeah, Rick? Yeah, still workin' on it.
Yes, Rick? Still workin' on it.
OK.
"No, don't think of it as fraud.
Think of it as an opportunity.
" Ovatril.
Got it.
You like being a doormat, don't ya? You like the feel of Rick wipin' his feet on ya.
I must be on Totally Hidden Video.
All right.
Mm-hmm.
Hi.
OK.
Joke's over.
Where's the camera? The only joke I see is you.
It took me a little while, but I figured it out.
It's ventriloquism, right? Yeah, I'll call you back.
Why are we talking about ventriloquism? Look, I'm havin' a bad day.
And the doll's just makin' it worse.
So let's cut the charade and make it stop talking? -Dude, you are so trippin'-- -OK.
Joe? Please.
-Don't screw with me.
-No problem.
If you want the doll to stop talking consider it done.
Charlie, you da man.
Yeah, Rick, can I talk to you about this Ovatril situation? What's there to talk about? Huh? Thanks to you, there is no situation.
See what happens when you stay motivated? Kiss my ass! I love that guy.
I gotta buy one for myself.
-Are you OK? -Get-- You know, what a pig sty this is! You could've killed me! Rick, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be-- You know, you can forget about that promotion.
This is impossible.
You don't need motivation, Chuck.
You need a slap upside the head! What? Someone's gotta take that bozo down so either you do it, or I will.
Charlie.
-We still on for tonight? -Absolutely.
Just allergies.
All right.
Now, I wanna know how you're doing this.
Are you alive? Question is, Chuck, are you alive? Not if you keep hurting my boss! Hurt him? I was tryin' to break his neck! And don't tell me the thought hasn't crossed your sorry little brain.
I can't believe this.
Of all the dolls in the world, I get the one that's possessed.
Hey, I may be a doll but I'm still more man than you'll ever be.
Charlie? Are you in there? Oh, you're busy.
I'll just hold it.
So let me get this straight.
I give you Linda, and you give me the brush off? You did not give me Linda.
You're fooling yourself, Chuck.
Without me, it's just another Girls Gone Wild night for you.
Thirty years, and nothing's changed.
You're still the same sap who forked over his lunch money every day to Frankie Wilson.
How did you know that? No big secret.
Everybody knows you're gutless.
That's why you need me.
No! I need my job.
That is what I need.
You got it all wrong, Chuck.
Your dad doesn't want hospice care.
He wants his son to be a man! Oh, yeah? Well, how 'bout this? Who da man now? You'll be sorry! Oh, you Charlie! Get your butt in here.
So you wanna be a big boy, huh? Is this a trick question? You realize if you take me on, I'm not pulling any punches.
Take you on? Don't play dumb with me! "ls your secret safe?" This is an adult diaper ad.
A power play I could maybe respect But this pussy, passive-aggressive crap? Just say it to my face.
You have incriminating evidence, and you're blackmailing me.
I swear, Rick, it wasn't me.
-lt was the doll.
-Just shut up! You get the standard promotion plus 10%.
That's my final offer.
But let's get one thing straight, buddy.
Until you start your promotion next week you still work for me.
So you're gonna go through every file in this building if it takes you all night.
I can't.
Oh, you can't? Or you won't? I have plans tonight.
A date? You got a date? With who? Linda.
In human resources? Well Linda, I need to see you.
No, Rick, please.
Don't do this! I'm not blackmailing you! I'm blackmailing you, Charlie 'cause if I'm goin' down, I'm takin' you with me! Is everything all right? Go ahead.
Tell her, Charlie.
"Hey, cutie.
Charlie can't make dinner tonight.
" What's goin' on, Charlie? Oh, Linda, I hate to see you get the short end of the stick.
Tell you what, you can have dinner with me tonight.
Oh, thanks, but I think I'd have more fun with the short end of a stick.
Hey.
Don't forget your little friend.
That's it? The guy neuters you and you're just gonna sit there and pout? -Shut up.
-You know what? Throw me back in the trash chute.
I don't even wanna be seen with you! Shut up! Your poor mom must be turnin' over in her grave right now probably wishing she'd used Ovatril.
Shut up! Charlie? Charlie, I don't know what's going on between you and Rick, but-- Linda, could-- Is it possible that we could go out to dinner another night? Charlie, I've been waiting months for you to ask me out.
It's your birthday, for God's sake! Why don't you just tell Rick to shove it? I can't.
I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to stand up to him sometime, Charlie.
Go ahead.
Say it.
I know what you're thinkin'.
Same old Charlie Same old gutless wonder.
Oh.
Now you won't even talk to me.
All right, where's that manifest? Bottom left drawer.
Oh, I thought you gave up on me.
Hell knows I should have! It's locked.
Under the desk pad.
-Ah, bingo! -Atta boy! Oh, my God.
He did change the dates.
Better scram.
Here comes trouble! What the hell is goin' on? Nothin'.
It's come to this, huh? Wow, that looked like it hurt.
Are you all right? Let me give you a hand with that.
-Gimme it.
-I'm tellin'.
Don't be an idiot, Charlie.
We're in this thing together.
No, we're not.
You're the criminal, not me.
Charlie, I swear to God I will make you regret this for the rest of your life.
I don't care! You're not gettin' away with this! OK.
Charlie What the Thank you.
You're goin' down, Rick.
I'm goin' straight upstairs to that boardroom and I'm showin' Hopkins what you did.
I will destroy you, Charlie.
You understand me? I will ruin you.
Kiss my ass.
What did you just say to me? I said kiss my ass.
Kiss my ass! Kiss my ass! Kiss my ass! That's my boy, baby! That's my boy! Nice work, kid.
Never a doubt in my mind.
Way to go, man.
Hello, baby.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Carl, what the hell is this? I've got a meeting with Hopkins at 3:00 And I need all of these files itemized.
Now, if you can't do the job, buddy we're gonna find somebody who can.
I can.
I can do it, sir.
Oh, you Yeah, Carl? Listen, forget what I said out there.
You're doin' a great job.
OK.
You da man! No, you da man.
No, you da man! All right, all right.
Shut up.
I'm tryin' to get some work done.
By listening to that little voice Charlie Stickney won the battle of wills with his boss and with himself.
Another success story, courtesy of the Twilight Zone.
Come on, buddy.
OK.
You really got me, Joe.
That's a good one.
So, Charlie, you doin' anything special for your birthday tonight? Well, if you consider doing laundry special.
People! People, come on! Run.
Save yourself.
Come on.
This is what happens when I'm stuck in traffic? Sorry, Rick.
Just, you know, a little birthday thing.
Totally spontaneous.
Won't happen again.
Are you done? What? You thought I forgot? Open it.
It's not a bomb.
I got him at a garage sale.
Hit him on the head.
You da man! Go on, hit him again.
If you can't do it, nobody can.
Yeah, just what I need.
A real kick in the pants.
You're gonna need one today, buddy.
I want you to dig up all the original manufacturing manifests from last April to about September.
I'm lookin' for any mention of Ovatril.
Six months of hard copies? I'll be forty by the time I'm through.
You find me what I'm lookin' for by 3:00 today we'll talk about a promotion.
Huh? Yeah, that's great, but by 3:00? I'd have to clone myself.
Yeah, well, do what you gotta do, OK, Charlie? Because if you let me down, you're fired.
Charlie Stickney has never had quite enough confidence to stand up for himself.
But today is different.
Today is a day of reckoning a test of character, a battle of wills thanks to a very unusual toy made in the Twilight Zone.
I knew it.
I should have called in sick today.
Today's the day! I need a little more motivation than that.
What you need is an attitude adjustment.
You think? I don't think, I know.
And wipe that stupid smile off your face.
You are traveling to another dimension-- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.
A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are only that of the imagination.
You're entering "Time to get up and at 'em with a little help "from the world's greatest motivator.
"Tap his head firmly, and Mr.
Motivation will inspire you with dozens of different affirmations.
" Good times are just ahead! Promises, promises.
Stop whining, you loser.
What you got there, Charlie? Oh, just this stupid gag gift.
From Rick.
God, he's such a jerk.
Yeah, well, I guess that's what happens when your uncle is the C.
F.
O.
I'm surprised you don't quit.
You know, I've thought about it once or twice--an hour.
Actually, l--I sent out some resumes once and all I got back were condolence cards.
Well, it's nice to see that Rick hasn't killed your sense of humor.
Mmm, it's on his "to do" list.
Well, at least the benefits here are pretty good.
Actually, human resources is taking a poll to see if we should keep our existing health coverage or switch to a plan which gives more coverage to employees but less for dependants.
I kind of have a dependant.
Oh.
It's my dad.
The benefit that we have now covers his hospice care and-- Well, look.
Just put me down for not wanting to switch.
You know what? You're right.
I'm voting to keep the old plan, too.
Listen I've got to get something done for Rick by 3:00 or I'm gonna be needing some major medical coverage.
I'll let you get back to work.
Hey, nice buns! Did you just say "nice buns"? Did I say that out loud? Uh-huh.
You know, I was thinking of buns.
-Oh.
-Nice -cinnamon buns.
-I like cinnamon buns.
Do you know a good place? Yeah, you know, actually, there's this great place over on Eighth Street Well, then, maybe we should go, like, tonight? Tonight works for me Charlie.
I'll meet you here after work.
He shoots, he scores! You know, it'll figure that Rick would give me Hey, hey, hey, where's the gratitude? It's-- You, my friend, are the one who needs an attitude adjustment.
Is this all you've got? Are you trying to get yourself fired? Look, I'm sorry, Rick.
It's just-- It's been a little crazy around here.
My office.
Now.
Hopkins called an emergency meeting at 3:00 today.
Word is it's about Ovatril.
What do you know about Ovatril? It's a birth-control pill.
Let's say hypothetically I come across a shipment of Ovatril that's been mismarked.
Meaning, those units will expire a whole year before their pull date.
Well, you're talkin' a major recall.
That's one option-- a very costly option.
But we all know that drugs don't expire overnight.
They simply lose their potency over time.
And birth control's only 99% effective at best.
So it's virtually impossible to prove Ovatril wasn't working.
So, you covered up those mismarked shipments To avoid a recall.
Save the company tons of money.
Hypothetically speaking.
I knew you had a brain in that skull, Charlie.
What if someone finds out? Oh, no one's gonna find out.
Because I'm gonna change the dates on that manifest before Hopkins sees it.
Rick, isn't that -What? -Well, you know fraud? Charlie.
Oh, Charlie.
Don't think of it as fraud.
Think of it as an opportunity.
You find me that manifest and that promotion starts next week.
Go.
Yes.
Hell, I hope he comes through.
Hello? Yes, Rick.
No, I just got back to the cubicle.
Yeah, you'll be the first to know.
OK.
Ass.
Yeah, Rick? Yeah, still workin' on it.
Yes, Rick? Still workin' on it.
OK.
"No, don't think of it as fraud.
Think of it as an opportunity.
" Ovatril.
Got it.
You like being a doormat, don't ya? You like the feel of Rick wipin' his feet on ya.
I must be on Totally Hidden Video.
All right.
Mm-hmm.
Hi.
OK.
Joke's over.
Where's the camera? The only joke I see is you.
It took me a little while, but I figured it out.
It's ventriloquism, right? Yeah, I'll call you back.
Why are we talking about ventriloquism? Look, I'm havin' a bad day.
And the doll's just makin' it worse.
So let's cut the charade and make it stop talking? -Dude, you are so trippin'-- -OK.
Joe? Please.
-Don't screw with me.
-No problem.
If you want the doll to stop talking consider it done.
Charlie, you da man.
Yeah, Rick, can I talk to you about this Ovatril situation? What's there to talk about? Huh? Thanks to you, there is no situation.
See what happens when you stay motivated? Kiss my ass! I love that guy.
I gotta buy one for myself.
-Are you OK? -Get-- You know, what a pig sty this is! You could've killed me! Rick, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be-- You know, you can forget about that promotion.
This is impossible.
You don't need motivation, Chuck.
You need a slap upside the head! What? Someone's gotta take that bozo down so either you do it, or I will.
Charlie.
-We still on for tonight? -Absolutely.
Just allergies.
All right.
Now, I wanna know how you're doing this.
Are you alive? Question is, Chuck, are you alive? Not if you keep hurting my boss! Hurt him? I was tryin' to break his neck! And don't tell me the thought hasn't crossed your sorry little brain.
I can't believe this.
Of all the dolls in the world, I get the one that's possessed.
Hey, I may be a doll but I'm still more man than you'll ever be.
Charlie? Are you in there? Oh, you're busy.
I'll just hold it.
So let me get this straight.
I give you Linda, and you give me the brush off? You did not give me Linda.
You're fooling yourself, Chuck.
Without me, it's just another Girls Gone Wild night for you.
Thirty years, and nothing's changed.
You're still the same sap who forked over his lunch money every day to Frankie Wilson.
How did you know that? No big secret.
Everybody knows you're gutless.
That's why you need me.
No! I need my job.
That is what I need.
You got it all wrong, Chuck.
Your dad doesn't want hospice care.
He wants his son to be a man! Oh, yeah? Well, how 'bout this? Who da man now? You'll be sorry! Oh, you Charlie! Get your butt in here.
So you wanna be a big boy, huh? Is this a trick question? You realize if you take me on, I'm not pulling any punches.
Take you on? Don't play dumb with me! "ls your secret safe?" This is an adult diaper ad.
A power play I could maybe respect But this pussy, passive-aggressive crap? Just say it to my face.
You have incriminating evidence, and you're blackmailing me.
I swear, Rick, it wasn't me.
-lt was the doll.
-Just shut up! You get the standard promotion plus 10%.
That's my final offer.
But let's get one thing straight, buddy.
Until you start your promotion next week you still work for me.
So you're gonna go through every file in this building if it takes you all night.
I can't.
Oh, you can't? Or you won't? I have plans tonight.
A date? You got a date? With who? Linda.
In human resources? Well Linda, I need to see you.
No, Rick, please.
Don't do this! I'm not blackmailing you! I'm blackmailing you, Charlie 'cause if I'm goin' down, I'm takin' you with me! Is everything all right? Go ahead.
Tell her, Charlie.
"Hey, cutie.
Charlie can't make dinner tonight.
" What's goin' on, Charlie? Oh, Linda, I hate to see you get the short end of the stick.
Tell you what, you can have dinner with me tonight.
Oh, thanks, but I think I'd have more fun with the short end of a stick.
Hey.
Don't forget your little friend.
That's it? The guy neuters you and you're just gonna sit there and pout? -Shut up.
-You know what? Throw me back in the trash chute.
I don't even wanna be seen with you! Shut up! Your poor mom must be turnin' over in her grave right now probably wishing she'd used Ovatril.
Shut up! Charlie? Charlie, I don't know what's going on between you and Rick, but-- Linda, could-- Is it possible that we could go out to dinner another night? Charlie, I've been waiting months for you to ask me out.
It's your birthday, for God's sake! Why don't you just tell Rick to shove it? I can't.
I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to stand up to him sometime, Charlie.
Go ahead.
Say it.
I know what you're thinkin'.
Same old Charlie Same old gutless wonder.
Oh.
Now you won't even talk to me.
All right, where's that manifest? Bottom left drawer.
Oh, I thought you gave up on me.
Hell knows I should have! It's locked.
Under the desk pad.
-Ah, bingo! -Atta boy! Oh, my God.
He did change the dates.
Better scram.
Here comes trouble! What the hell is goin' on? Nothin'.
It's come to this, huh? Wow, that looked like it hurt.
Are you all right? Let me give you a hand with that.
-Gimme it.
-I'm tellin'.
Don't be an idiot, Charlie.
We're in this thing together.
No, we're not.
You're the criminal, not me.
Charlie, I swear to God I will make you regret this for the rest of your life.
I don't care! You're not gettin' away with this! OK.
Charlie What the Thank you.
You're goin' down, Rick.
I'm goin' straight upstairs to that boardroom and I'm showin' Hopkins what you did.
I will destroy you, Charlie.
You understand me? I will ruin you.
Kiss my ass.
What did you just say to me? I said kiss my ass.
Kiss my ass! Kiss my ass! Kiss my ass! That's my boy, baby! That's my boy! Nice work, kid.
Never a doubt in my mind.
Way to go, man.
Hello, baby.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Carl, what the hell is this? I've got a meeting with Hopkins at 3:00 And I need all of these files itemized.
Now, if you can't do the job, buddy we're gonna find somebody who can.
I can.
I can do it, sir.
Oh, you Yeah, Carl? Listen, forget what I said out there.
You're doin' a great job.
OK.
You da man! No, you da man.
No, you da man! All right, all right.
Shut up.
I'm tryin' to get some work done.
By listening to that little voice Charlie Stickney won the battle of wills with his boss and with himself.
Another success story, courtesy of the Twilight Zone.