Up All Night (2011) s01e19 Episode Script
Couple Friends
Oh, babe, Caroline and Tim say that we're gonna meet at the strip mall in Chinatown at 9:00, and then we're gonna take a Metro to a field.
I'm actually really interested in trying out this whole dubstep thing.
I feel like this is the kind of thing that we're gonna be totally into.
I'm digging this.
It's like a musical nightmare.
Yeah, but in a great way.
- Tim said that the that the peak of it is when "the drop" hits, I guess.
It's like a musical crescendo or something.
S, like in, um Like in the air tonight, when Phil Collins comes in on the drums.
Yeah, honey, it's just like Phil Collins.
This is so nice to have young, hip friends.
Just think, in an hour, depending on subway traffic, we're gonna be in the middle of a field.
Yeah.
Pumping our fists.
Yeah, lost in the music.
Aggressive teenagers sweating through their jumpsuits.
Everybody's on drugs.
The smell of mud and field nachos.
Do you want to bail from this as badly as I do? Oh, my God, so much so.
Please.
- I hate Tim and Caroline.
- They suck, seriously.
It's like, have a kid.
It's not cute any more.
We need new friends! All right, I'm gonna cancel the babysitter, call Tim, say that we're sick.
Why don't you cue up Downton Abbey or something? Okay, turn off the music, though! - I did.
- Oh, my God.
We need to all work together to make our neighborhood safe.
Last week, the Shaws had their mailbox stolen.
Ripped right off the post.
And someone keyed a wiener into Terry's car.
I had to ask Gene about the little dashes emanating from it.
I did not like the answer.
That's why we're organizing nightly safety walks.
Everyone sign up.
Have some coffee.
And if you ask nicely enough, Gene may bring out his guitar.
How do we ask to ensure Gene won't pull out his guitar? Oh, believe me, he's gonna pull it out.
There it is.
Yeah.
He does a reggae version you look wonderful tonight.
Then he stares at me directly.
He does not stare at you.
He stares right into my eyes.
I'm Justin.
This is Lawrence.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hi.
I'm Reagan, this is Chris.
Hi.
How are ya? You guys want to have some coffee, and talk about the amount of children's art on these walls? - It can't all be frame-worthy.
It's not.
Okay, he's staring right at me.
No, he's really not staring at you.
Oh, no, he kinda is.
I wasn't too tall could've used a few pounds .
I can't believe I'm having to stand here and listen to a classic rock song about boys coming of age.
- she was a black-haired beauty with big, dark eyes and points all of her own, sittin' way up high please, God, do not describe the points any further.
way up firm and high this has always been a groundbreaking femme environment.
We were the first office in America to provide free tampons in a basket.
Uh, actually, I don't think that's true.
I saw it at a Ruth's Chris once.
workin' on our night moves - hey, Granby.
- tryin' to make some - this office does not celebrate "Rocktober.
" Go home.
Get a life.
Maybe a girlfriend.
Wow.
I don't have one.
'Cause my fiancee dumped me via Google chat while I was stationed in Afghanistan.
Thank you for your service.
So, work is kind of my deal right now, okay? I plan on being here until at least 2300 hours.
We get it.
No one outworks me on my own show.
We're in for a long night.
They're just like us, you know, with the little kid, our age, our speed.
Not to mention the gay thing.
Oh, yeah, it's so cool.
Gay cachet.
- Yeah.
- Whoa, wait a second, babe.
Is that a thing? I don't know.
You know what, honey, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and I'm ready to ask those gentlemen out.
- Yeah, I wait.
There they are.
- They're okay.
- Whoa, God, I'm so nervous.
Don't be nervous.
I want them to think that I'm cool.
- You're awesome.
You did not.
- Yeah, I don't know.
Is that a dong? - Hey.
What is - What? - A dong? - That's a dong! Yeah, they gotta buff out a dong.
That's the craziest You guys want to go bowling? Whenever? Sometime? Okay, okay, what part of "be cool" did you not understand? I'm so sorry.
Rub it in.
Rub it in.
Don't worry about it.
I was about to ask you guys if you wanted to break bread.
Yeah, and you probably would've said something about sipping vino.
I love saying "vino.
" Reagan, would you mind telling me why we've got bass fishing champion Tommy Biffle booked as a guest next week? What? Or why the day after that I'll be sitting down with Nascar legend Richard petty? What're we gonna talk about? Car parts and mustache care? Okay, wait a minute.
Wait.
Who booked these people? I did.
I'm playing cards tonight with the Southern affiliates.
We want them to move the show to their 3:00 time slot, so I'm gonna have to convince them that Ava's got some Southern appeal.
You don't think she has Southern appeal? Okay, she grew up in the Florida panhandle, all right? I mean, she she bought Pepsis at the wiggly piggly.
Piggly wiggly.
I still don't even believe that's a thing.
- And I want in on this so-called "card game.
" Really don't think that's a good idea, Ava.
These are guy's guys.
Most of them are ex-military like me.
They're old school.
What, you guys sit around dressed like colonel Sanders or something? I say, I say I think the women folk need to make some mint juleps while the men take care of the business at hand.
Okay, they're not cartoon roosters.
But, dudes, I appreciate the concern, however, I know what makes these guys tick, so, I got this.
Ugh.
Look at him walk.
One, two, one, two.
Look at me, I'm using my alternating legs to go from point a to point b.
- Bad walking was a weak area.
- That's not our best stuff.
Now I know why your girlfriend dumped you! - Ooh, I don't think he heard you, but that's that's like that's the right idea.
Oh, manI gotta say, I'm kind of nervous.
I really want this to go well.
Really? A bowling shirt? What? It's fun.
Come on, when else am I gonna wear this? Oh, I don't know.
The next time you're in a Vince Vaughn movie, circa 1994.
- Are you this is so money.
God, all these balls suck.
I just need one where my thumb is flush with the thing.
Do you remember the last time we were bowling, and I missed that 7-6-10 spare because my thumb was all floppy? It was one of your better tantrums.
Uh, you mean the natural human reaction to injustice? Honey, please, I am begging you to not get too competitive.
- Won't.
- I won't, honey, I swear.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Sorry we're late, you guys.
It's just so hard saying good-night to little foster.
He is such an angel.
- Dude, where'd you get that sweet-ass shirt? Oh, uh, wasteland on Melrose.
Wasteland on Melrose.
Wow, that sounds cool.
Yeah, thank you.
- You you've got your own ball.
Uh, no, I'm gonna use one of those gross balls where my thumb's all floppy.
What am I, an idiot? No.
You're fantastic.
So, I said to her, "honey, that's not why they call it a riding lawnmower.
" Oh, women.
They just don't get things.
All right, guys.
Drink up.
Come on, ray, you were in the Navy, but you're drinking like you were in the coast guard.
Oh Hello, boys.
Ava.
What're you doing here? Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I need a formal invite to the hayseed sausage festival? Hi, there.
Move over, Tex.
The name's hoyt.
Of course it is.
Now Let's get down to bidness.
Chip me.
Can I have some of that? So I googled Alabama head football coach Nick Sa-bahn.
He was wearing pleated-front khakis.
I mean, come on, man, where's your stylist? - It's not "sa-bahn," it's Saban.
Who cares, tubby? This is a real broad.
- You're a broad.
- Oh-ho-ho! You know what, Luke, I've never watched the show, but if it's half as funny as she is in person, I think it's time we showed Ava some love.
Yeah.
Well, according to your wife, I'll be disappointed.
- Oh-ho! little miss, little miss little miss can't be wrong ain't nobody gonna bow no more when you sound your gong we're either gonna have to unplug the jukebox or we're going to have to kill them.
Yeah, and the jukebox is all the way over there.
- Heh! - Right? rock and roll song oh, yeah.
Hey, guys, bring it in for a second, will you? Come here.
I don't know, I might be jumping the gun here a little bit.
I'm just feeling this a lot, and I don't know.
Three words Napa Valley weekend.
- No, she's kidding, you guy no, no, no, she's jus too soon.
She might as well have said "four-way.
" Two words We're in.
For the Napa Valley thing, not the four-way.
Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No offense, in so many ways.
- Yeah, a ton of ways.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you guys, this is perfect.
- Fun.
Seriously, we have not had couple friends that we want to spend more than 10 minutes with, let alone an entire weekend.
- This is could not have gone better.
Let's just let's just cut our losses and call it a night.
Good times.
Hold the phone, dudes.
We gots to bowl.
Do we? - We absolutely have to bowl.
- We have to bowl.
Uh, loser treats, winner eats.
- Uh, sounds good to me.
- Okay.
Because when I win, I am gonna be thirsty For beer that I will be drinking Uh, for free.
'Cause I gonna win the game.
I'm just I'm gonna get a better ball.
I'm just gonna loosen up my lats.
I think that ball is pretty shiny.
Uh, oh, boy.
Uh, damn shoes.
Hey, hoyt.
Heads up.
And I don't want to see you sniffing those things, freak show.
Hoyt, give me those.
Ava Ava, wait up.
Do you want me to help you put your shoes on, or hold back your hair while you hurl? Why? I'm great.
You're great? Yeah.
I got us the 3:00 time slot, didn't I? Oh, and by the way, hoyt is a total liar.
If these are Cuban, I am Gloria Estefan.
- You're sober? - Yeah.
I guess I can handle guy's guys, even though I'm cursed with bosoms and baby-making parts.
- Well, actually, I have baby-making parts Anyway, what you did in there was amazing.
Thank you.
- It was, wasn't it? - Yes.
I feel the need to take you for a drink, for real.
Great.
I'll wrap it up.
Let's do it.
- Thank you.
- Your shoes.
All right, you human heart attacks, last hand.
Pull your pants back up and stop doing each other's makeup.
Come on.
Get there, get there, get there.
Oh! Oh! - I over-muscled it.
There's too much "musculare.
" Okay, Justin, we just need seven pins, okay? Seven.
Do you know what we should do in Napa? Hot air balloon.
Oh, my God, that's on Chris's bucket list.
No way.
Dude, you're freaking me out.
- No, you're freaking me out.
- Reagan.
Reagan! Oh, boy.
Hope you like a 3:00 time slotIn the South.
Oh, my God, you crashed that meeting? They loved me.
There was an Asian gentleman named Bobby eating out of my hand, literally, he was eating chex mix like a horse.
- That's weird.
- Yeah.
And Luke was so impressed he's taking me out for a drink.
Good! Well, this is going pretty great.
- Oh, these are your new gays.
- Shh.
Come on, now.
Oh, don't worry.
They love me.
Hey, you bitches, mama's here! - God.
- Whoa, you turkeys are gay? I didn't - What? We had no idea.
Well, we have an announcement.
Chris and I happen to be straight.
Yes.
We are.
Not that it's necessarily better.
- No, it's worse.
- Way worse, in fact.
And I I've actually kissed a guy before.
Are you kidding? - No, it was a French, uh French dude, and we were trying to do the kiss on the cheek thing, and I turned the wrong way, and I happened to catch mouth corner.
But I'm I'm better for the experience is what I'm saying.
I get it now.
You don't need to always tell the story.
Ava, it's so nice to meet you.
We are huge fans.
- Yes, we're yes, yes.
And you're just in time to watch Lawrence seal our victory.
Oh! No pressure, no pressure.
- Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
- No pressure.
All right, go, go, focus.
Focus, focus, focus, focus Baby, baby, baby Yes! Yes! - Okay, we did it.
- Oh, my God! I can't believe you got that! Winner's circle! Feels good! The loser pit.
The pit for losers.
Pullin' into dookie-shame junction! Oh, yes! Yes! Okay, and get yourself together.
Hey, listen, it's all right.
You beat us fair and square.
Right.
Eh, sorta.
What does that mean, "sorta"? Oh - Reagan - There was There was an issue of a foot fault in the fifth frame.
I mean, like, technically, those pins would be voided.
I don't know, here, I marked it.
I marked it on there.
- You marked it? - Score sheet.
Okay, so, we're counting foot faults.
Uh, yeah, you mean playing by the rules? No.
No, you know what? I should really just let it slide.
Like your foot did, over the the line.
- Guys, I - do you know what? I but hold but you know what? If I'd have known we were playing this way, I, uh I would've actually tried.
I would've tried.
Oh, really? Johnny mc-own-ball? Sammy van-bowling-glove.
Okay, that's not my name at all.
I don't know who's side I'm on.
I mean, Reagan's my oldest friend, but I do love a gay.
We'll get it.
It's totally fine.
- Oh, no, n-n-n-no.
Then you can be the hero? No, I don't think so.
I don't think you'll get it.
- I'm not trying to be a hero.
- Okay? Thank you so much.
No, I'd actually like to pay for it because we lost.
Remember? Loser's circle.
Remember that? - You know what? - Forget it.
We're gonna split it.
Okay? We'll split it.
- Oh, yeah.
- Here you go.
Yeah, why don't you just run away? Just run away in what I'm assuming are custom-cobbled bowling shoes! Did I blow this? I'm sorry I'm so late.
I just witnessed a bowling alley tragedy.
Oh.
You took so long to get here, I decided to get a little bit of a head start.
Hey, buddy, big boy.
You look like someone.
Who do you look like? Who do you look like? Eh, never mind.
I think we should toast.
Oh.
To our new time slot.
You were a champion and a lady.
Well, thank you.
The fun thing about vodka.
Russian people pronounce it "wodka.
" They also say sputnik, bolshevik, babooshka nyet! Luke, what are you doing? - I-I just was - Forget it.
I thought we were having a successful business relationship.
I thought the same thing with Suge Knight and Ira Glass.
You guys are all alike.
Dasvidaniya! Ava, wait.
Ava, Ava.
Ok so wait, did his hand just brush your shoulder or did it grab your shoulder? Was it like this, or like this? Missy! Keep doing that.
Okay, you know what? This is unacceptable.
I mean, what does he think, that we're part of his steno pool? Hi, guys.
Don't you mean "dollfaces"? "Skirts"? Ladies, a man has entered the room.
Please present yourselves for bottom pinching.
No, see, missy, I was making a point.
It's not really like we're not gonna actually pres - guys, calm down.
Help yourselves to a complimentary tampon.
Let me talk to Luke.
Hmm.
Ava, I am really sorry.
What the hell was that? - You remember my ex-fiancee? She was the bartender last night.
Oh, the one with the synthetic hair weave.
- Mm - That was not human hair.
Anyway, I go there every night after work, and I sit alone at the bar, and I drink.
Just to see her.
Last night I thought, boy, if I could bring Ava Alexander into this bar, she would go crazy.
- Well, of course.
- So, I'm really sorry.
I guess I just can't seem to get over her.
My ex Kevin I wear his deodorant brand so I can remember his smell.
Oh, right guard sport.
I work late every night, and I blast music, and I hope I don't end up in that bar.
You're working on the night moves.
Trying to make some front page, drive-in news.
- I don't know if that's what? We both need to move on.
I will let you blast all the after-hours seger you want if you promise me you will stop hanging out at that bar.
It's pathetic, Luke.
Like that guy eating chex mix out of my hand pathetic.
Bobby definitely has a problem.
Every mailbox is on its post.
Every house safe and secure.
Gene's in his element.
He was rotc in college.
Yeah, but I couldn't serve.
I have an ulcerated esophagus.
It's often caused by herpes.
Mine wasn't.
You guys sure you don't want reflective vests? - No, we're good.
- I'd rather be hit by a car.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, I'm so I'm so sorry.
I'm so competitive.
Ugh, me too.
I should've stopped him.
You know, I'm a conflict avoider.
And while we're at it, I also say "supposably.
" He does.
He does.
It's a nightmare.
- Ooh.
- It is.
Guys, I own three pairs of crocs.
- You shut your mouth.
- Oh, no! And I wear a "life is good" tee shirt.
Oh, you know what? This is good.
Now we know that we like each other, warts and all.
Yeah, warts and all.
Hey, are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? Maybe we do a little do-over here.
Come on, after this, we'll go grab some drinks, go to our place, you guys bring foster over.
It'll be super fun.
- That'd be awesome.
- Yeah, let's do it.
We'll bring snacks.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - This these these cookies are really they're really, um - they're delicious.
- Yeah.
Oh, good.
Uh, Lawrence made 'em.
- Hi.
- Secret's a dollop of honey.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah - Oh! Oh, yeah.
- So, is is little, um little foster is he okay? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
New environments stimulate him.
Yeah, is that is that okay? Oh, yeah.
Sure, no, of course.
We just we wouldn't want him to get, um, too stimulated.
That's it.
From throwing all our stuff on the floor.
- He's okay.
He's okay, I think.
- Yeah.
Um, we just feel it's really important not to put too many boundaries on foster.
- Is that an approach that's - yeah, it stifles his creativity.
- Yeah, you wouldn't you wouldn't want to do that.
There you are.
What the hell are you doing here? Ava, I'm sorry.
How dare you come to a bar without me.
I could kill you.
Wait, what is happening? I am going to fake kiss you right now, then you're going to leave this bar with some dignity.
That was fantastic.
Now, let's go back to my place for some athletic, '70s-style lovemaking.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That kid's a monster.
I've never hated a kid before.
I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.
Foster's an a-hole.
Honey, you can't say that about a kid.
I just said it, and it felt good.
You know what, it's not foster's fault.
Lawrence and Justin are great guys, I love hanging out with them, but you can't have that.
We should say something.
I mean, I guess Lawrence and Justin are pretty understanding guys, right? Yeah, I mean, warts and all, right? I mean, that's what's so great about the four of us.
Warts and all.
So, it's just that - Oh - What an angel.
- So, what I what I'm really saying is that it's like babies and and toddlers They want to know that there are limits.
You know.
They find it reassuring knowing that someone's looking after them.
Yeah, it's just It's better parenting.
- That's all.
- Wow.
That's really hard to hear, you guys.
Oh, boy.
- But really helpful.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
No, we really respect you guys, so it's nice to get an outside perspective.
Phew! Kick off my heels, 'cause I was really nervous about how you were gonna take that.
And while we're, you know, uh, sharing parental tips, we had some advice for you guys too.
What is it? I mean Just the way you always keep Amy in her stroller, or her play saucer, you know, it's just kind of oppressive, you know.
- Are you kidding me? - Okay Can you believe those two? Yeah, who do they think they are talking to us about parenting? I never completely bought into them.
There was always something sinister.
- The gay thing was so cool.
- The gay was great.
Aww Reagan I know you guys are on the market for new couple friends, and I just met Jeff and Tracy at an aspca benefit.
Guys? They've got a kid, but they're fun, and I told them how much fun you are.
Wait, are you all right? What are you dressed as? A person going to bed.
What's on your face? You're right, this stuff is totally tingling.
Oh God.
Christopher, I do not want to see how the sausage is made.
Jeff and Tracy I am so sorry this is mortifying.
***
I'm actually really interested in trying out this whole dubstep thing.
I feel like this is the kind of thing that we're gonna be totally into.
I'm digging this.
It's like a musical nightmare.
Yeah, but in a great way.
- Tim said that the that the peak of it is when "the drop" hits, I guess.
It's like a musical crescendo or something.
S, like in, um Like in the air tonight, when Phil Collins comes in on the drums.
Yeah, honey, it's just like Phil Collins.
This is so nice to have young, hip friends.
Just think, in an hour, depending on subway traffic, we're gonna be in the middle of a field.
Yeah.
Pumping our fists.
Yeah, lost in the music.
Aggressive teenagers sweating through their jumpsuits.
Everybody's on drugs.
The smell of mud and field nachos.
Do you want to bail from this as badly as I do? Oh, my God, so much so.
Please.
- I hate Tim and Caroline.
- They suck, seriously.
It's like, have a kid.
It's not cute any more.
We need new friends! All right, I'm gonna cancel the babysitter, call Tim, say that we're sick.
Why don't you cue up Downton Abbey or something? Okay, turn off the music, though! - I did.
- Oh, my God.
We need to all work together to make our neighborhood safe.
Last week, the Shaws had their mailbox stolen.
Ripped right off the post.
And someone keyed a wiener into Terry's car.
I had to ask Gene about the little dashes emanating from it.
I did not like the answer.
That's why we're organizing nightly safety walks.
Everyone sign up.
Have some coffee.
And if you ask nicely enough, Gene may bring out his guitar.
How do we ask to ensure Gene won't pull out his guitar? Oh, believe me, he's gonna pull it out.
There it is.
Yeah.
He does a reggae version you look wonderful tonight.
Then he stares at me directly.
He does not stare at you.
He stares right into my eyes.
I'm Justin.
This is Lawrence.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hi.
I'm Reagan, this is Chris.
Hi.
How are ya? You guys want to have some coffee, and talk about the amount of children's art on these walls? - It can't all be frame-worthy.
It's not.
Okay, he's staring right at me.
No, he's really not staring at you.
Oh, no, he kinda is.
I wasn't too tall could've used a few pounds .
I can't believe I'm having to stand here and listen to a classic rock song about boys coming of age.
- she was a black-haired beauty with big, dark eyes and points all of her own, sittin' way up high please, God, do not describe the points any further.
way up firm and high this has always been a groundbreaking femme environment.
We were the first office in America to provide free tampons in a basket.
Uh, actually, I don't think that's true.
I saw it at a Ruth's Chris once.
workin' on our night moves - hey, Granby.
- tryin' to make some - this office does not celebrate "Rocktober.
" Go home.
Get a life.
Maybe a girlfriend.
Wow.
I don't have one.
'Cause my fiancee dumped me via Google chat while I was stationed in Afghanistan.
Thank you for your service.
So, work is kind of my deal right now, okay? I plan on being here until at least 2300 hours.
We get it.
No one outworks me on my own show.
We're in for a long night.
They're just like us, you know, with the little kid, our age, our speed.
Not to mention the gay thing.
Oh, yeah, it's so cool.
Gay cachet.
- Yeah.
- Whoa, wait a second, babe.
Is that a thing? I don't know.
You know what, honey, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and I'm ready to ask those gentlemen out.
- Yeah, I wait.
There they are.
- They're okay.
- Whoa, God, I'm so nervous.
Don't be nervous.
I want them to think that I'm cool.
- You're awesome.
You did not.
- Yeah, I don't know.
Is that a dong? - Hey.
What is - What? - A dong? - That's a dong! Yeah, they gotta buff out a dong.
That's the craziest You guys want to go bowling? Whenever? Sometime? Okay, okay, what part of "be cool" did you not understand? I'm so sorry.
Rub it in.
Rub it in.
Don't worry about it.
I was about to ask you guys if you wanted to break bread.
Yeah, and you probably would've said something about sipping vino.
I love saying "vino.
" Reagan, would you mind telling me why we've got bass fishing champion Tommy Biffle booked as a guest next week? What? Or why the day after that I'll be sitting down with Nascar legend Richard petty? What're we gonna talk about? Car parts and mustache care? Okay, wait a minute.
Wait.
Who booked these people? I did.
I'm playing cards tonight with the Southern affiliates.
We want them to move the show to their 3:00 time slot, so I'm gonna have to convince them that Ava's got some Southern appeal.
You don't think she has Southern appeal? Okay, she grew up in the Florida panhandle, all right? I mean, she she bought Pepsis at the wiggly piggly.
Piggly wiggly.
I still don't even believe that's a thing.
- And I want in on this so-called "card game.
" Really don't think that's a good idea, Ava.
These are guy's guys.
Most of them are ex-military like me.
They're old school.
What, you guys sit around dressed like colonel Sanders or something? I say, I say I think the women folk need to make some mint juleps while the men take care of the business at hand.
Okay, they're not cartoon roosters.
But, dudes, I appreciate the concern, however, I know what makes these guys tick, so, I got this.
Ugh.
Look at him walk.
One, two, one, two.
Look at me, I'm using my alternating legs to go from point a to point b.
- Bad walking was a weak area.
- That's not our best stuff.
Now I know why your girlfriend dumped you! - Ooh, I don't think he heard you, but that's that's like that's the right idea.
Oh, manI gotta say, I'm kind of nervous.
I really want this to go well.
Really? A bowling shirt? What? It's fun.
Come on, when else am I gonna wear this? Oh, I don't know.
The next time you're in a Vince Vaughn movie, circa 1994.
- Are you this is so money.
God, all these balls suck.
I just need one where my thumb is flush with the thing.
Do you remember the last time we were bowling, and I missed that 7-6-10 spare because my thumb was all floppy? It was one of your better tantrums.
Uh, you mean the natural human reaction to injustice? Honey, please, I am begging you to not get too competitive.
- Won't.
- I won't, honey, I swear.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Sorry we're late, you guys.
It's just so hard saying good-night to little foster.
He is such an angel.
- Dude, where'd you get that sweet-ass shirt? Oh, uh, wasteland on Melrose.
Wasteland on Melrose.
Wow, that sounds cool.
Yeah, thank you.
- You you've got your own ball.
Uh, no, I'm gonna use one of those gross balls where my thumb's all floppy.
What am I, an idiot? No.
You're fantastic.
So, I said to her, "honey, that's not why they call it a riding lawnmower.
" Oh, women.
They just don't get things.
All right, guys.
Drink up.
Come on, ray, you were in the Navy, but you're drinking like you were in the coast guard.
Oh Hello, boys.
Ava.
What're you doing here? Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I need a formal invite to the hayseed sausage festival? Hi, there.
Move over, Tex.
The name's hoyt.
Of course it is.
Now Let's get down to bidness.
Chip me.
Can I have some of that? So I googled Alabama head football coach Nick Sa-bahn.
He was wearing pleated-front khakis.
I mean, come on, man, where's your stylist? - It's not "sa-bahn," it's Saban.
Who cares, tubby? This is a real broad.
- You're a broad.
- Oh-ho-ho! You know what, Luke, I've never watched the show, but if it's half as funny as she is in person, I think it's time we showed Ava some love.
Yeah.
Well, according to your wife, I'll be disappointed.
- Oh-ho! little miss, little miss little miss can't be wrong ain't nobody gonna bow no more when you sound your gong we're either gonna have to unplug the jukebox or we're going to have to kill them.
Yeah, and the jukebox is all the way over there.
- Heh! - Right? rock and roll song oh, yeah.
Hey, guys, bring it in for a second, will you? Come here.
I don't know, I might be jumping the gun here a little bit.
I'm just feeling this a lot, and I don't know.
Three words Napa Valley weekend.
- No, she's kidding, you guy no, no, no, she's jus too soon.
She might as well have said "four-way.
" Two words We're in.
For the Napa Valley thing, not the four-way.
Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No offense, in so many ways.
- Yeah, a ton of ways.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you guys, this is perfect.
- Fun.
Seriously, we have not had couple friends that we want to spend more than 10 minutes with, let alone an entire weekend.
- This is could not have gone better.
Let's just let's just cut our losses and call it a night.
Good times.
Hold the phone, dudes.
We gots to bowl.
Do we? - We absolutely have to bowl.
- We have to bowl.
Uh, loser treats, winner eats.
- Uh, sounds good to me.
- Okay.
Because when I win, I am gonna be thirsty For beer that I will be drinking Uh, for free.
'Cause I gonna win the game.
I'm just I'm gonna get a better ball.
I'm just gonna loosen up my lats.
I think that ball is pretty shiny.
Uh, oh, boy.
Uh, damn shoes.
Hey, hoyt.
Heads up.
And I don't want to see you sniffing those things, freak show.
Hoyt, give me those.
Ava Ava, wait up.
Do you want me to help you put your shoes on, or hold back your hair while you hurl? Why? I'm great.
You're great? Yeah.
I got us the 3:00 time slot, didn't I? Oh, and by the way, hoyt is a total liar.
If these are Cuban, I am Gloria Estefan.
- You're sober? - Yeah.
I guess I can handle guy's guys, even though I'm cursed with bosoms and baby-making parts.
- Well, actually, I have baby-making parts Anyway, what you did in there was amazing.
Thank you.
- It was, wasn't it? - Yes.
I feel the need to take you for a drink, for real.
Great.
I'll wrap it up.
Let's do it.
- Thank you.
- Your shoes.
All right, you human heart attacks, last hand.
Pull your pants back up and stop doing each other's makeup.
Come on.
Get there, get there, get there.
Oh! Oh! - I over-muscled it.
There's too much "musculare.
" Okay, Justin, we just need seven pins, okay? Seven.
Do you know what we should do in Napa? Hot air balloon.
Oh, my God, that's on Chris's bucket list.
No way.
Dude, you're freaking me out.
- No, you're freaking me out.
- Reagan.
Reagan! Oh, boy.
Hope you like a 3:00 time slotIn the South.
Oh, my God, you crashed that meeting? They loved me.
There was an Asian gentleman named Bobby eating out of my hand, literally, he was eating chex mix like a horse.
- That's weird.
- Yeah.
And Luke was so impressed he's taking me out for a drink.
Good! Well, this is going pretty great.
- Oh, these are your new gays.
- Shh.
Come on, now.
Oh, don't worry.
They love me.
Hey, you bitches, mama's here! - God.
- Whoa, you turkeys are gay? I didn't - What? We had no idea.
Well, we have an announcement.
Chris and I happen to be straight.
Yes.
We are.
Not that it's necessarily better.
- No, it's worse.
- Way worse, in fact.
And I I've actually kissed a guy before.
Are you kidding? - No, it was a French, uh French dude, and we were trying to do the kiss on the cheek thing, and I turned the wrong way, and I happened to catch mouth corner.
But I'm I'm better for the experience is what I'm saying.
I get it now.
You don't need to always tell the story.
Ava, it's so nice to meet you.
We are huge fans.
- Yes, we're yes, yes.
And you're just in time to watch Lawrence seal our victory.
Oh! No pressure, no pressure.
- Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
- No pressure.
All right, go, go, focus.
Focus, focus, focus, focus Baby, baby, baby Yes! Yes! - Okay, we did it.
- Oh, my God! I can't believe you got that! Winner's circle! Feels good! The loser pit.
The pit for losers.
Pullin' into dookie-shame junction! Oh, yes! Yes! Okay, and get yourself together.
Hey, listen, it's all right.
You beat us fair and square.
Right.
Eh, sorta.
What does that mean, "sorta"? Oh - Reagan - There was There was an issue of a foot fault in the fifth frame.
I mean, like, technically, those pins would be voided.
I don't know, here, I marked it.
I marked it on there.
- You marked it? - Score sheet.
Okay, so, we're counting foot faults.
Uh, yeah, you mean playing by the rules? No.
No, you know what? I should really just let it slide.
Like your foot did, over the the line.
- Guys, I - do you know what? I but hold but you know what? If I'd have known we were playing this way, I, uh I would've actually tried.
I would've tried.
Oh, really? Johnny mc-own-ball? Sammy van-bowling-glove.
Okay, that's not my name at all.
I don't know who's side I'm on.
I mean, Reagan's my oldest friend, but I do love a gay.
We'll get it.
It's totally fine.
- Oh, no, n-n-n-no.
Then you can be the hero? No, I don't think so.
I don't think you'll get it.
- I'm not trying to be a hero.
- Okay? Thank you so much.
No, I'd actually like to pay for it because we lost.
Remember? Loser's circle.
Remember that? - You know what? - Forget it.
We're gonna split it.
Okay? We'll split it.
- Oh, yeah.
- Here you go.
Yeah, why don't you just run away? Just run away in what I'm assuming are custom-cobbled bowling shoes! Did I blow this? I'm sorry I'm so late.
I just witnessed a bowling alley tragedy.
Oh.
You took so long to get here, I decided to get a little bit of a head start.
Hey, buddy, big boy.
You look like someone.
Who do you look like? Who do you look like? Eh, never mind.
I think we should toast.
Oh.
To our new time slot.
You were a champion and a lady.
Well, thank you.
The fun thing about vodka.
Russian people pronounce it "wodka.
" They also say sputnik, bolshevik, babooshka nyet! Luke, what are you doing? - I-I just was - Forget it.
I thought we were having a successful business relationship.
I thought the same thing with Suge Knight and Ira Glass.
You guys are all alike.
Dasvidaniya! Ava, wait.
Ava, Ava.
Ok so wait, did his hand just brush your shoulder or did it grab your shoulder? Was it like this, or like this? Missy! Keep doing that.
Okay, you know what? This is unacceptable.
I mean, what does he think, that we're part of his steno pool? Hi, guys.
Don't you mean "dollfaces"? "Skirts"? Ladies, a man has entered the room.
Please present yourselves for bottom pinching.
No, see, missy, I was making a point.
It's not really like we're not gonna actually pres - guys, calm down.
Help yourselves to a complimentary tampon.
Let me talk to Luke.
Hmm.
Ava, I am really sorry.
What the hell was that? - You remember my ex-fiancee? She was the bartender last night.
Oh, the one with the synthetic hair weave.
- Mm - That was not human hair.
Anyway, I go there every night after work, and I sit alone at the bar, and I drink.
Just to see her.
Last night I thought, boy, if I could bring Ava Alexander into this bar, she would go crazy.
- Well, of course.
- So, I'm really sorry.
I guess I just can't seem to get over her.
My ex Kevin I wear his deodorant brand so I can remember his smell.
Oh, right guard sport.
I work late every night, and I blast music, and I hope I don't end up in that bar.
You're working on the night moves.
Trying to make some front page, drive-in news.
- I don't know if that's what? We both need to move on.
I will let you blast all the after-hours seger you want if you promise me you will stop hanging out at that bar.
It's pathetic, Luke.
Like that guy eating chex mix out of my hand pathetic.
Bobby definitely has a problem.
Every mailbox is on its post.
Every house safe and secure.
Gene's in his element.
He was rotc in college.
Yeah, but I couldn't serve.
I have an ulcerated esophagus.
It's often caused by herpes.
Mine wasn't.
You guys sure you don't want reflective vests? - No, we're good.
- I'd rather be hit by a car.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, I'm so I'm so sorry.
I'm so competitive.
Ugh, me too.
I should've stopped him.
You know, I'm a conflict avoider.
And while we're at it, I also say "supposably.
" He does.
He does.
It's a nightmare.
- Ooh.
- It is.
Guys, I own three pairs of crocs.
- You shut your mouth.
- Oh, no! And I wear a "life is good" tee shirt.
Oh, you know what? This is good.
Now we know that we like each other, warts and all.
Yeah, warts and all.
Hey, are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? Maybe we do a little do-over here.
Come on, after this, we'll go grab some drinks, go to our place, you guys bring foster over.
It'll be super fun.
- That'd be awesome.
- Yeah, let's do it.
We'll bring snacks.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - This these these cookies are really they're really, um - they're delicious.
- Yeah.
Oh, good.
Uh, Lawrence made 'em.
- Hi.
- Secret's a dollop of honey.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah - Oh! Oh, yeah.
- So, is is little, um little foster is he okay? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
New environments stimulate him.
Yeah, is that is that okay? Oh, yeah.
Sure, no, of course.
We just we wouldn't want him to get, um, too stimulated.
That's it.
From throwing all our stuff on the floor.
- He's okay.
He's okay, I think.
- Yeah.
Um, we just feel it's really important not to put too many boundaries on foster.
- Is that an approach that's - yeah, it stifles his creativity.
- Yeah, you wouldn't you wouldn't want to do that.
There you are.
What the hell are you doing here? Ava, I'm sorry.
How dare you come to a bar without me.
I could kill you.
Wait, what is happening? I am going to fake kiss you right now, then you're going to leave this bar with some dignity.
That was fantastic.
Now, let's go back to my place for some athletic, '70s-style lovemaking.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That kid's a monster.
I've never hated a kid before.
I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.
Foster's an a-hole.
Honey, you can't say that about a kid.
I just said it, and it felt good.
You know what, it's not foster's fault.
Lawrence and Justin are great guys, I love hanging out with them, but you can't have that.
We should say something.
I mean, I guess Lawrence and Justin are pretty understanding guys, right? Yeah, I mean, warts and all, right? I mean, that's what's so great about the four of us.
Warts and all.
So, it's just that - Oh - What an angel.
- So, what I what I'm really saying is that it's like babies and and toddlers They want to know that there are limits.
You know.
They find it reassuring knowing that someone's looking after them.
Yeah, it's just It's better parenting.
- That's all.
- Wow.
That's really hard to hear, you guys.
Oh, boy.
- But really helpful.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
No, we really respect you guys, so it's nice to get an outside perspective.
Phew! Kick off my heels, 'cause I was really nervous about how you were gonna take that.
And while we're, you know, uh, sharing parental tips, we had some advice for you guys too.
What is it? I mean Just the way you always keep Amy in her stroller, or her play saucer, you know, it's just kind of oppressive, you know.
- Are you kidding me? - Okay Can you believe those two? Yeah, who do they think they are talking to us about parenting? I never completely bought into them.
There was always something sinister.
- The gay thing was so cool.
- The gay was great.
Aww Reagan I know you guys are on the market for new couple friends, and I just met Jeff and Tracy at an aspca benefit.
Guys? They've got a kid, but they're fun, and I told them how much fun you are.
Wait, are you all right? What are you dressed as? A person going to bed.
What's on your face? You're right, this stuff is totally tingling.
Oh God.
Christopher, I do not want to see how the sausage is made.
Jeff and Tracy I am so sorry this is mortifying.
***