According To Jim s01e20 Episode Script
Old Friends
[ SIREN WHOOPS .]
[ GROANS .]
HELLO.
GOOD AFTERNOON, OFFICER.
THAT IS A FINE BIKE YOU GOT THERE.
INDIAN? FULL DRESS D-TWIN 5-SPEED POLICE PURSUIT MODEL, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS MY OFFICE.
HA HA HA.
YOU KNOW YOU ROLLED THROUGH THAT STOP SIGN BACK THERE? OKAY, WELL, I'LL STOP TWICE AT THE NEXT ONE.
HA HA HA.
IS THAT HUMOR, SIR? ARE YOU A FUNNY BOY? NO.
NO, NOT AT ALL, SIR.
LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE.
HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I JUST GOT THIS MEATBALL HOAGIE, AND THERE IS NO WAY THAT I'M GONNA FINISH THIS WHOLE THING.
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
TELL YOU WHAT.
I'M JUST GONNA SET IT RIGHT HERE ON THE DASHBOARD, AND I'M GONNA LOOK THE OTHER WAY.
HMM.
I SMELL A BRIBE.
I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE, SIR.
HANDS UP.
OUT.
OUT OF THE VEHICLE RIGHT NOW.
IT WASN'T A BRIBE.
IT WAS JUST A SANDWICH.
HANDS ON THE HOOD.
SPREAD 'EM.
SPREAD 'EM? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? THE HUMAN BODY HAS EXACTLY SEVEN CAVITIES.
I AM TRAINED TO SEARCH EVERY ONE OF THEM.
YOU'RE TICKLING ME! YOU'RE TICKLING ME! TURN AROUND.
OOF.
SO WE'RE COOL? DANNY? DANNY MAJOWSKI? DID THE AZTECS BUILD RUNWAYS FOR THE GODS?! IN THE FLESH! AT LEAST YOU SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE THAT GUY FROM THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.
OH, YOU WISH.
OH, I DO NOT.
STOP THAT.
HOW YOU DOING, JIMMY? I'M DOING GOOD.
I'M DOING GREAT.
LOOK AT YOU -- A COP.
I MEAN, LAST I HEARD, YOU WERE -- YOU WERE EMCEEING AT SOME STRIP CLUB DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS.
YEAH.
A BAD SCENE.
WOW, YOU'RE A COP.
I MEAN, YOU'RE TOTALLY TURNED AROUND.
YOU KNOW THE BEAUTY PART? I DID IT WITHOUT JESUS.
AH, GREAT TO SEE YOU, MAN.
YOU TOO, MAN.
HEY, YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER TO MY HOUSE FOR SUNDAY NIGHT DINNER, ALL RIGHT? I MEAN, CHERYL WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU, AND I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FAMILY.
I WOULD REALLY LIKE THAT.
REALLY? YES.
THAT'S GREAT, MAN.
LET ME GIVE YOU AN ADDRESS.
I'VE GOT YOUR ADDRESS.
YOU DO, DON'T YOU? MM-HMM.
UH, DANNY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA -- YOU'RE NOT GONNA GIVE ME THAT TICKET, ARE YOU? MMNO.
NOT THIS TIME, BUT I AM GONNA GIVE YOU MY STANDARD WARNING.
OH, GO AHEAD.
SHOOT.
I'M READY.
GIVE IT TO ME.
SIR, WHEN YOU RUN A STOP SIGN, YOU IMMEDIATELY BECOME YOU THINK, "OH, I DON'T HAVE TO STOP.
"I'M A BIG MAN.
I JUST FOOLED JOHNNY LAW.
I'M COOL.
" WELL, NEXT TIME YOU'RE WASHING YOUR CAR, ASK YOURSELF THIS -- WOULD YOU RATHER BE HOSING OFF DIRT OR LITTLE PIECES OF BRAIN AND SKULL? SEE YOU SUNDAY.
HAH! OH, BABY.
HEY, HEY, HEY, GUESS WHAT I FOUND.
OH, A REASON TO GO ON A DIET? DANNY AND I PRINTED THESE UP IN '75, AND WE SOLD THEM OUT OF THE BACK OF HIS VAN, ALSO KNOWN AS "THE GOOD TIMES MACHINE.
" I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU CALLED THE REFRIGERATOR.
NO, THAT'S WHAT I CALL MY -- JIM.
LOOK AT THAT, HUH? DANNY IS GONNA GO CRAZY WHEN HE SEES IT.
YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT.
AW, COME ON, CHERYL.
DANNY'S A GOOD GUY.
GIVE HIM A BREAK.
OH, HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT AT OUR WEDDING, HE GOT DRUNK AND MADE THAT HORRIBLE TOAST ABOUT HOW YOU SHOULD HAVE MARRIED YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND MISTY BECAUSE OF HER MOSTER JUGS? MONSTERS? YES, HONEY, THEY WERE MONSTERS.
NICE MONSTERS.
THEY WEREN'T REAL, YOU KNOW.
THEY WERE LIKE PRETEND MONSTERS.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
OH, THAT'S HIM.
THAT'S HIM.
THAT'S HIM.
OH, HERE WE GO.
YOU KNOW, AT THE WEDDING, HE TRIED TO KISS ME.
YOU TOO? COME HERE, MY FRIEND.
HI, I'M DANNY.
YOU MUST BE RUBY AND GRACIE.
YES.
YES.
I THINK I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR EACH OF YOU.
YAY! YAY! UH, DANNY, YOU GOT TO GET IN THE DOOR BEFORE YOU GIVE THOSE GIRLS PRESENTS.
YOU REMEMBER MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE CHERYL? OH, DANNY.
LOOK AT YOU IN A SUIT.
AND LOOK -- NO BEARD.
I'M A HANDSOME MAN.
WHY HIDE IT? HA HA HA.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO GET GIFTS FOR THE GIRLS.
AH, JUST STUFF I FOUND LYING AROUND THE EVIDENCE ROOM.
HI, I'M DANA.
WE MET AT THE WEDDING.
YOU TRIED TO KISS ME.
OH, THAT WAS YOU.
I'M SO SORRY.
I WAS DIFFERENT BACK THEN.
NOW, WASN'T THERE A CHUBBY BLOND GIRL WITH YOU? I OWE HER AN APOLOGY, TOO.
[ DEEP VOICE .]
HI, I'M ANDY -- CHERYL AND DANA'S MALE BROTHER.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE, UH, GET SOMETHING TO EAT AND CRACK OPEN THIS BOTTLE OF WINE? WELL, IT'S HOMEMADE.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO WAIT ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL PUT IT IN THE WINE CELLAR RIGHT NEXT TO JIM'S ABDOMENIZER.
HUH? WHO NEEDS IT? I GOT ONE OF THOSE ELECTRIC BELTS THAT SHOCK YOU INTO SHAPE.
OH, YES.
SO THE GUY PULLS A 9-MILLIMETER GLOCK ON ME.
I LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, I SAY, "AMIGO, YOU GOT ONE SHOT, "AND IF I DON'T DROP LIKE SOMETHING HEAVY OFF SOMETHING HIGH, IT'S PARTY TIME.
" HE BLINKS.
I SPIN HIM AROUND, GRAB HIS PIECE, AND PLANT MY FLORSHEIM FIRMLY ON HIS HUEVOS.
[ GASPS .]
OH, MY GOD.
JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
I'M A TRAFFIC COP.
OH, DANNY, YOU HAD ME ON THAT ONE.
YOU KNOW, SPEAKING OF COPS, I ONCE SAT NEXT TO DENNIS FRANZ ON A FLIGHT TO DETROIT.
WHEN HE FELL ASLEEP, I GRABBED HIS NUTS.
PEANUTS.
PEANUTS.
WELL, WE SHOULD BE GOING.
COME ON, ANDY.
THANKS FOR DINNER.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU BOTH AGAIN.
GOOD NIGHT.
NO, NO, NO, DANNY, DANNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO AFTER SUCH A WONDERFUL EVENING.
NO, NO, NO, PLEASE.
COME ON.
I GOT A COUPLE CIGARS.
LET'S GO OUT ON THE PORCH AND SMOKE THEM LIKE THE OLD DAYS.
NO, I DON'T SMOKE THOSE ANYMORE.
BODY'S A TEMPLE.
OH.
IT'S A JOKE.
LOOK AT ME.
THANK YOU, DANNY.
HE IS SO FUNNY.
JIM, I GOTTA SAY, HE HAS REALLY CHANGED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I MEAN HE'S TONED DOWN, LIKE YOU.
HE'S LOST THAT WILD STREAK.
HA HA HA.
HONEY, WE MAY BE TAME ON THE SURFACE, BUT WE STILL GOT OUR WILD STREAK.
WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK SO? COME ON, THERE IS A FIRE IN THIS BELLY.
YEAH, AND GOOD LUCK PUTTING THAT OUT.
WHAT, WHAT -- ARE YOU SAYING -- ARE YOU SAYING THAT I-I'M NOT CRAZY ANYMORE? THERE'S NO MORE STREAK IN ME? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? 'CAUSE YOU ARE TOTALLY WRONG.
BABY, I AM A PARTY MACHINE.
REALLY? YES, AND IF I WANT TO GO OUT DRINKING ALL NIGHT, THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
NO, YOU CAN'T.
NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T DO? NO, HONEY, I MEAN YOU CAN'T.
YOU'RE NOT PHYSICALLY ABLE.
YOUR BODY WON'T LET YOU.
CHERYL, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME ANYMORE.
I THINK WE NEED TO HAVE MORE SEX.
WHY? WHY NOT? HONEY, YOU KNOW, I NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, BECAUSE WE CAN'T GET PARTS ANYMORE FOR THIS PARTY MACHINE.
AW, SWEETIE, YOU ARE A HARD-WORKING FATHER OF THREE WHO GOES TO BED EVERY NIGHT AT 10:30, AND I LOVE THAT.
YOU'RE MY WILD MAN, OKAY? HERE.
NAPKINS? YES, I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON THE GIRLS.
YOU WANT ME TO PUT THE NAPKINS IN THE LAUNDRY? AH HA.
[ SPITS .]
DANNY? OH, GOOD.
I'LL RINSE THEM, YOU PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER.
DANNY, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WELL, YOU USED TO BE THE GUY -- YOU KNOW, PARTYING, PLAYING YOUR HARMONICA, RAISING HELL, NOT DOING DISHES.
I'M STILL THE SAME GUY.
I'M JUST DIFFERENT.
YOU ARE, TOO.
WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT? I AM NOT DIFFERENT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I MEAN, IT MIGHT LOOK, YOU KNOW, WITH THE FAMILY AND EVERYTHING, BUT I AM A CRAZY GUY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T USE STEEL WOOL ON THAT TEFLON.
IT'LL SCRATCH IT.
WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S SILVERSTONE.
IT CAN HANDLE THE ABRASIVES.
I HAVE AN OMELET PAN, AND, UH OKAY, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.
YOU AND I -- WE'RE GOING TO HARLOW'S TONIGHT.
COME ON, LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN.
AW, IT'S KIND OF LATE.
WELL, SO WHAT? COME ON, WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER FOR 10 YEARS, MAN.
IS IT GOING TO KILL YOU TO GO OUT WITH YOUR BUDDY A LITTLE BIT? WELL, I GOTTA WORK TOMORROW.
SO DO I.
WE'LL GET HOME EARLY, HONEST TO GOD.
WE WON'T STAY OUT TOO LATE.
WELL, I SUPPOSE THESE SHOULD SOAK OVERNIGHT.
YEAH! HEY, DO YOU STILL HAVE THE GOOD TIMES MACHINE? UM, NO, I'VE GOT A SATURN.
IT'S LIKE BEING PART OF A CLUB.
CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH I-I GOT IT, G-G-G-G-G-G-- GOT IT! YOU ARE IN CONSTRUCTION! YES, I AM! [ BOTH LAUGH .]
LOOK AT THAT.
OH, OH, OFFICER, I THINK THERE'S SOMEONE HERE BREAKING THE LAW.
WRITE HER A TICKET.
PULL OVER THERE, MA'AM.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CITE YOU FOR EXCESS CLEAVAGE! RIGHT! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? OFFICER, YOU WANT TO INSPECT HER TRUNK, DON'T YOU? LOOK AT THAT.
WHOA.
OH! OFFICER DOWN! OFFICER DOWN! HE -- HE AIN'T GETTING UP.
JIM, IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING.
I WAS WORRIED SICK.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU KNOW, HONEY, I'M THINKING OF WRITING THE REFRIGERATOR PEOPLE.
THEY DEFINITELY GOT TO PUT A DIMMER ON THIS LIGHT.
AND MORE LEG ROOM, YOU KNOW? DO YOU REALIZE I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU SINCE 2:00 IN THE MORNING? WHAT IF THERE WAS AN EMERGENCY? WHERE'S YOUR CELL PHONE? YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I HEARD IT RINGING.
AND THEN I DROPPED IT IN THE URINAL, AND I WOUND UP ANSWERING THAT LITTLE CAKE.
OH.
OH, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE LIKE AN IRRESPONSIBLE TEENAGER.
CHERYL YOUR GENERATION DOESN'T GET ME.
THAT -- I WANT THAT.
[ GROANS .]
OH.
OH, NO, NO.
Jim.
JIM.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO COOL, DON'T YOU? MR.
BIG SHOT, HUH, WITH THE FAMILY? "OH, YEAH, I REALLY GET IT ON.
"CHERYL AND I, ALL THE TIME, MAKING LOVE, YEAH.
I'M THE BOSS OF THIS COMPANY.
ANDY, GET TO WORK.
" YEAH, YOU'RE NOTHIN', BUDDY.
YOU'RE NOTHIN'.
ANDY, I CAN HEAR YOU.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? STAPLING.
I'M AN ARCHITECT, YOU KNOW.
I'M AT WORK, NOT HUNG OVER, REEKING OF JOHN BARLEYCORN.
HAVE A LITTLE TOO MUCH FUN LAST NIGHT, MILADY? NO.
I'M FINE.
I STILL GOT IT.
I'M LIKE A TEENAGER.
WHOO! OH.
[ DOOR CLOSES .]
AAH! DANNY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? JIM, ANDY.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE YOUR CELL PHONE BACK.
OH.
HOW DID YOU, UH I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
HERE, ANDY, HERE'S THAT COMPANY PHONE I PROMISED YOU.
ALL RIGHT! MOVIN' ON UP.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO TO HARLOW'S AGAIN TONIGHT, HUH? YOU TWO -- YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO LIVE IT UP.
HEY, MAYBE WHEN YOU GO OUT TONIGHT, I COULD TAG ALONG.
ARE YOU READY TO LOSE YOUR SOUL IN A NIGHT OF UNBRIDLED PAGAN DEBAUCHERY? ACTUALLY, IT'S A COMMON MISCONCEPTION THAT ANCIENT PAGAN SOCIETIES -- YOU'RE OUT.
SO, COME ON, DANNY.
WHAT TIME YOU WANT TO HOOK UP? DOESN'T MATTER TO ME, SINCE I'VE GOT NOWHERE TO BE TOMORROW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? REMEMBER THAT REDHEAD I CITED FOR UNLAWFUL USE OF SPANDEX? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
SHE WAS CUTE.
SHE FILED A COMPLAINT.
I'VE BEEN SUSPENDED.
OH, DANNY, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S TOUGH.
I KNEW I SHOULD NEVER HAVE USED MY REAL TICKETS.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, MAN? WHAT ANY SELF-RESPECTING TEMPORARILY UNEMPLOYED LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER WOULD DO.
RETURN TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME! YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO GO BACK OUT TONIGHT? IS JFK STILL ALIVE AND RUNNING THE COUNTRY FROM THE BASEMENT OF THE PENTAGON? WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM ELVIS? YEAH! YEAH! HEY, GIRLS, YOU GUYS, HEY.
NO, NO, NO, YOU GUYS.
DADDY CAN CHOKE.
NO, HE WON'T.
HE CAN CHEW IN HIS SLEEP.
YEAH, IT'S TRUE.
CHERYL, IT'S REALLY COOL.
HE'S LIKE SOME KIND OF CIRCUS FREAK.
Cheryl: WHAT? ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S ENOUGH.
GO UP AND WASH THAT CHEESE STUFF OFF YOUR FINGERS.
THANK YOU.
HE'S BEEN OUT WITH DANNY FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW.
I FIND HIM SLEEPING ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH A REALLY BIG CAT.
HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO LET HIM GO ON LIKE THIS? HEY, IF HE WANTS TO PROVE SOMETHING TO HIMSELF, I'M NOT GONNA STOP HIM.
BESIDES, I THINK HE'S ABOUT TO HIT HIS WALL.
OOH! NOTHING BUT NET.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
OH, I WASN'T DREAMING.
IT IS RAINING CHEESE BALLS.
HEY, LADIES.
HEY.
READY TO ROLL, BUDDY? OH, WHAT TIME IS IT? OH, MY GOD, I SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH MY NAP.
HA HA HA.
SO, WHAT, ARE WE GONNA GO TO HARLOW'S AGAIN TONIGHT? FIVE NIGHTS IN A ROW? NAH.
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING NEW? THEY GOT THIS NEW GO-KART PLACE WITH A DRIVE-THROUGH BEER WINDOW.
LET'S TRY THAT.
WELL, UH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT, BUT, UH, DANNY, YOU KNOW, I JUST YOU KNOW, I-I GOT TO DO SOME STUFF AROUND THE HOUSE.
WHAT STUFF, JIM? YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS, BUT IT'S MY TURN TO GIVE THE KIDS A BATH.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SWEETIE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.
YEAH, I'LL HELP HER.
YEAH, THANK YOU, HONEY.
NO PROBLEM.
GO, GO.
YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME.
NO, NO, NO, CHERYL.
YOU DID IT LAST NIGHT, REMEMBER? YEAH, LIKE I HAVE EVERY NIGHT SINCE THE DAY THEY WERE BORN.
I'M GETTING THE DISTINCT IMPRESSION HERE THAT MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT TO GO OUT.
WELL ALL RIGHT, DANNY, LOOK I JUST DON'T THINK I CAN GO OUT TONIGHT.
I MEAN, I GOT UP THIS MORNING AND LOOKED IN MY EYES, AND I COULDN'T FIND THE WHITE PARTS.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING FUN.
OH, I DID.
I HAD A BLAST, BUT I JUST THINK I WAS TRYING TO BE THE GUY I WAS WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
AND I THOUGHT I WAS, BUT I'M JUST NOT.
OKAY, FINE, SURE.
HEY, LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU DO? YOU DRAGGED ME OUT FOR A BIG TASTE OF THE HIGH LIFE, I GET SUSPENDED, I GOT ALL KINDS OF TIME ON MY HANDS, AND YOU DROP ME LIKE A PLAGUE RAT AT A PET SHOW.
I WOULDN'T PUT IT THAT WAY, DANNY.
I MEAN -- NO, THAT'S NO PROBLEM.
HEY, THAT'S OKAY, MAN.
THAT'S FINE.
LISTEN, HEY, I UNDERSTAND.
I'M COOL.
NO SWEAT.
THAT'S OKAY.
SEE YOU AROUND, SLIM.
[ DOOR SLAMS .]
[ LAUGHING .]
WHAT? HE CALLED YOU "SLIM.
" [ BLUES MUSIC PLAYING .]
HEY, GUYS.
HEY, TONY.
HOW YOU DOIN', JIM? GOOD, MAN, GOOD.
NICE TO SEE YOU THERE.
HEY.
HOW ABOUT THOSE BEARS, HUH? YEAH, GREAT.
GONNA BE A SPECIAL SEASON, THIS ONE COMING UP, HUH? YEP.
HOW ABOUT THE CUBS? YEAH.
YEAH.
BULLS.
SURE.
YEP.
BEER NUTS? CALLING ME CUTE NAMES WON'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, LOOK, DANNY, UH I KNOW I LET YOU DOWN BACK THERE.
YOU KNOW, 10 YEARS OF A LOVING FAMILY AND A CLEAN LIFE HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH ME.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I WISH I COULD HAVE HUNG IN THERE WITH YOU.
LAST NIGHT WHEN I GOT HOME, I HAD TO GRAB HOLD OF THE LAWN TO KEEP FROM FALLING OFF THE EARTH.
[ CHUCKLES .]
I KNOW.
I KNOW THE FEELING.
REMEMBER WHEN I DARED YOU TO CLIMB THE WHEATON WATER TOWER AND SPRAY-PAINT YOUR NAME ON THE SIDE OF IT? YEAH.
AND YOU DID IT.
YOU ACTUALLY DID IT, MAN.
I KNOW.
AND THAT SAME GUY IS NOW MARRIED WITH A WONDERFUL WIFE AND THREE GREAT KIDS.
IT JUST BLOWS MY MIND.
ME? COME ON, OUR JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, YOU BROKE THE RECORD FOR DETENTIONS, AND NOW YOU'RE CARRYING A BADGE AND GIVING OUT TICKETS.
AT LEAST I'M STILL GETTING SUSPENDED.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA FIRE YOU, ARE THEY? NAH, MY CAPTAIN INTERVENED.
THEY'LL PROBABLY JUST SEND ME AROUND TO HIGH SCHOOLS WITH A PUPPET.
HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN THE GARAGE.
NEAT.
YOU STILL PLAY, DON'T YOU? IS THERE AN ENTIRE FAMILY OF ALIENS BEING CROSSBRED WITH HUMANS AT WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE? WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM ELVIS? OH, YOU GOT IT.
HEY, COME ON.
I KNOW THE GUYS.
THAT'S MY DRUMMER TONY.
REALLY? YEAH.
WHY DON'T WE JUMP UP THERE, SING A SONG? WOULD THEY LET US? YEAH, THEY'D LET US.
COME ON, FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE BLUES? IN THAT WORLD, WE'RE STILL YOUNG BUCKS.
COME ON, BUCK.
LET'S GO.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO.
HEY, TONY.
CAN WE JUMP IN? YEAH, COME ON.
COME ON.
YOU GUYS KNOW "CADILLAC MAN"? YEAH, YOU REMEMBER THE WORDS? I KNOW THE WORDS.
YOU TRY TO KEEP UP WITH ME.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU? * I PULL A 40-HOUR WEEK * * FRIDAY GOT THE CHECK IN MY HAND * * WELL, I CASH IT REAL QUICK, SPEND IT AS FAST AS I CAN * * I ROLL IN WITH THE LADIES, THEY CALL ME THE CADILLAC MAN * * I'M THE KING OF THE ROAD, COUPE DE VILLE IS MY THRONE * * AND AS LONG AS I GOT THE DOUGH * * I'LL BE GOING, GOING * * GOING, GOING, GONE, YEAH * ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
[ GROANS .]
HELLO.
GOOD AFTERNOON, OFFICER.
THAT IS A FINE BIKE YOU GOT THERE.
INDIAN? FULL DRESS D-TWIN 5-SPEED POLICE PURSUIT MODEL, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS MY OFFICE.
HA HA HA.
YOU KNOW YOU ROLLED THROUGH THAT STOP SIGN BACK THERE? OKAY, WELL, I'LL STOP TWICE AT THE NEXT ONE.
HA HA HA.
IS THAT HUMOR, SIR? ARE YOU A FUNNY BOY? NO.
NO, NOT AT ALL, SIR.
LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE.
HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I JUST GOT THIS MEATBALL HOAGIE, AND THERE IS NO WAY THAT I'M GONNA FINISH THIS WHOLE THING.
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
TELL YOU WHAT.
I'M JUST GONNA SET IT RIGHT HERE ON THE DASHBOARD, AND I'M GONNA LOOK THE OTHER WAY.
HMM.
I SMELL A BRIBE.
I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE, SIR.
HANDS UP.
OUT.
OUT OF THE VEHICLE RIGHT NOW.
IT WASN'T A BRIBE.
IT WAS JUST A SANDWICH.
HANDS ON THE HOOD.
SPREAD 'EM.
SPREAD 'EM? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? THE HUMAN BODY HAS EXACTLY SEVEN CAVITIES.
I AM TRAINED TO SEARCH EVERY ONE OF THEM.
YOU'RE TICKLING ME! YOU'RE TICKLING ME! TURN AROUND.
OOF.
SO WE'RE COOL? DANNY? DANNY MAJOWSKI? DID THE AZTECS BUILD RUNWAYS FOR THE GODS?! IN THE FLESH! AT LEAST YOU SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE THAT GUY FROM THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.
OH, YOU WISH.
OH, I DO NOT.
STOP THAT.
HOW YOU DOING, JIMMY? I'M DOING GOOD.
I'M DOING GREAT.
LOOK AT YOU -- A COP.
I MEAN, LAST I HEARD, YOU WERE -- YOU WERE EMCEEING AT SOME STRIP CLUB DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS.
YEAH.
A BAD SCENE.
WOW, YOU'RE A COP.
I MEAN, YOU'RE TOTALLY TURNED AROUND.
YOU KNOW THE BEAUTY PART? I DID IT WITHOUT JESUS.
AH, GREAT TO SEE YOU, MAN.
YOU TOO, MAN.
HEY, YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER TO MY HOUSE FOR SUNDAY NIGHT DINNER, ALL RIGHT? I MEAN, CHERYL WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU, AND I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FAMILY.
I WOULD REALLY LIKE THAT.
REALLY? YES.
THAT'S GREAT, MAN.
LET ME GIVE YOU AN ADDRESS.
I'VE GOT YOUR ADDRESS.
YOU DO, DON'T YOU? MM-HMM.
UH, DANNY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA -- YOU'RE NOT GONNA GIVE ME THAT TICKET, ARE YOU? MMNO.
NOT THIS TIME, BUT I AM GONNA GIVE YOU MY STANDARD WARNING.
OH, GO AHEAD.
SHOOT.
I'M READY.
GIVE IT TO ME.
SIR, WHEN YOU RUN A STOP SIGN, YOU IMMEDIATELY BECOME YOU THINK, "OH, I DON'T HAVE TO STOP.
"I'M A BIG MAN.
I JUST FOOLED JOHNNY LAW.
I'M COOL.
" WELL, NEXT TIME YOU'RE WASHING YOUR CAR, ASK YOURSELF THIS -- WOULD YOU RATHER BE HOSING OFF DIRT OR LITTLE PIECES OF BRAIN AND SKULL? SEE YOU SUNDAY.
HAH! OH, BABY.
HEY, HEY, HEY, GUESS WHAT I FOUND.
OH, A REASON TO GO ON A DIET? DANNY AND I PRINTED THESE UP IN '75, AND WE SOLD THEM OUT OF THE BACK OF HIS VAN, ALSO KNOWN AS "THE GOOD TIMES MACHINE.
" I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU CALLED THE REFRIGERATOR.
NO, THAT'S WHAT I CALL MY -- JIM.
LOOK AT THAT, HUH? DANNY IS GONNA GO CRAZY WHEN HE SEES IT.
YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT.
AW, COME ON, CHERYL.
DANNY'S A GOOD GUY.
GIVE HIM A BREAK.
OH, HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT AT OUR WEDDING, HE GOT DRUNK AND MADE THAT HORRIBLE TOAST ABOUT HOW YOU SHOULD HAVE MARRIED YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND MISTY BECAUSE OF HER MOSTER JUGS? MONSTERS? YES, HONEY, THEY WERE MONSTERS.
NICE MONSTERS.
THEY WEREN'T REAL, YOU KNOW.
THEY WERE LIKE PRETEND MONSTERS.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
OH, THAT'S HIM.
THAT'S HIM.
THAT'S HIM.
OH, HERE WE GO.
YOU KNOW, AT THE WEDDING, HE TRIED TO KISS ME.
YOU TOO? COME HERE, MY FRIEND.
HI, I'M DANNY.
YOU MUST BE RUBY AND GRACIE.
YES.
YES.
I THINK I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR EACH OF YOU.
YAY! YAY! UH, DANNY, YOU GOT TO GET IN THE DOOR BEFORE YOU GIVE THOSE GIRLS PRESENTS.
YOU REMEMBER MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE CHERYL? OH, DANNY.
LOOK AT YOU IN A SUIT.
AND LOOK -- NO BEARD.
I'M A HANDSOME MAN.
WHY HIDE IT? HA HA HA.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO GET GIFTS FOR THE GIRLS.
AH, JUST STUFF I FOUND LYING AROUND THE EVIDENCE ROOM.
HI, I'M DANA.
WE MET AT THE WEDDING.
YOU TRIED TO KISS ME.
OH, THAT WAS YOU.
I'M SO SORRY.
I WAS DIFFERENT BACK THEN.
NOW, WASN'T THERE A CHUBBY BLOND GIRL WITH YOU? I OWE HER AN APOLOGY, TOO.
[ DEEP VOICE .]
HI, I'M ANDY -- CHERYL AND DANA'S MALE BROTHER.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE, UH, GET SOMETHING TO EAT AND CRACK OPEN THIS BOTTLE OF WINE? WELL, IT'S HOMEMADE.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO WAIT ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL PUT IT IN THE WINE CELLAR RIGHT NEXT TO JIM'S ABDOMENIZER.
HUH? WHO NEEDS IT? I GOT ONE OF THOSE ELECTRIC BELTS THAT SHOCK YOU INTO SHAPE.
OH, YES.
SO THE GUY PULLS A 9-MILLIMETER GLOCK ON ME.
I LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, I SAY, "AMIGO, YOU GOT ONE SHOT, "AND IF I DON'T DROP LIKE SOMETHING HEAVY OFF SOMETHING HIGH, IT'S PARTY TIME.
" HE BLINKS.
I SPIN HIM AROUND, GRAB HIS PIECE, AND PLANT MY FLORSHEIM FIRMLY ON HIS HUEVOS.
[ GASPS .]
OH, MY GOD.
JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
I'M A TRAFFIC COP.
OH, DANNY, YOU HAD ME ON THAT ONE.
YOU KNOW, SPEAKING OF COPS, I ONCE SAT NEXT TO DENNIS FRANZ ON A FLIGHT TO DETROIT.
WHEN HE FELL ASLEEP, I GRABBED HIS NUTS.
PEANUTS.
PEANUTS.
WELL, WE SHOULD BE GOING.
COME ON, ANDY.
THANKS FOR DINNER.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU BOTH AGAIN.
GOOD NIGHT.
NO, NO, NO, DANNY, DANNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO AFTER SUCH A WONDERFUL EVENING.
NO, NO, NO, PLEASE.
COME ON.
I GOT A COUPLE CIGARS.
LET'S GO OUT ON THE PORCH AND SMOKE THEM LIKE THE OLD DAYS.
NO, I DON'T SMOKE THOSE ANYMORE.
BODY'S A TEMPLE.
OH.
IT'S A JOKE.
LOOK AT ME.
THANK YOU, DANNY.
HE IS SO FUNNY.
JIM, I GOTTA SAY, HE HAS REALLY CHANGED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I MEAN HE'S TONED DOWN, LIKE YOU.
HE'S LOST THAT WILD STREAK.
HA HA HA.
HONEY, WE MAY BE TAME ON THE SURFACE, BUT WE STILL GOT OUR WILD STREAK.
WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK SO? COME ON, THERE IS A FIRE IN THIS BELLY.
YEAH, AND GOOD LUCK PUTTING THAT OUT.
WHAT, WHAT -- ARE YOU SAYING -- ARE YOU SAYING THAT I-I'M NOT CRAZY ANYMORE? THERE'S NO MORE STREAK IN ME? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? 'CAUSE YOU ARE TOTALLY WRONG.
BABY, I AM A PARTY MACHINE.
REALLY? YES, AND IF I WANT TO GO OUT DRINKING ALL NIGHT, THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
NO, YOU CAN'T.
NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T DO? NO, HONEY, I MEAN YOU CAN'T.
YOU'RE NOT PHYSICALLY ABLE.
YOUR BODY WON'T LET YOU.
CHERYL, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME ANYMORE.
I THINK WE NEED TO HAVE MORE SEX.
WHY? WHY NOT? HONEY, YOU KNOW, I NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, BECAUSE WE CAN'T GET PARTS ANYMORE FOR THIS PARTY MACHINE.
AW, SWEETIE, YOU ARE A HARD-WORKING FATHER OF THREE WHO GOES TO BED EVERY NIGHT AT 10:30, AND I LOVE THAT.
YOU'RE MY WILD MAN, OKAY? HERE.
NAPKINS? YES, I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON THE GIRLS.
YOU WANT ME TO PUT THE NAPKINS IN THE LAUNDRY? AH HA.
[ SPITS .]
DANNY? OH, GOOD.
I'LL RINSE THEM, YOU PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER.
DANNY, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WELL, YOU USED TO BE THE GUY -- YOU KNOW, PARTYING, PLAYING YOUR HARMONICA, RAISING HELL, NOT DOING DISHES.
I'M STILL THE SAME GUY.
I'M JUST DIFFERENT.
YOU ARE, TOO.
WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT? I AM NOT DIFFERENT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I MEAN, IT MIGHT LOOK, YOU KNOW, WITH THE FAMILY AND EVERYTHING, BUT I AM A CRAZY GUY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T USE STEEL WOOL ON THAT TEFLON.
IT'LL SCRATCH IT.
WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S SILVERSTONE.
IT CAN HANDLE THE ABRASIVES.
I HAVE AN OMELET PAN, AND, UH OKAY, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.
YOU AND I -- WE'RE GOING TO HARLOW'S TONIGHT.
COME ON, LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN.
AW, IT'S KIND OF LATE.
WELL, SO WHAT? COME ON, WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER FOR 10 YEARS, MAN.
IS IT GOING TO KILL YOU TO GO OUT WITH YOUR BUDDY A LITTLE BIT? WELL, I GOTTA WORK TOMORROW.
SO DO I.
WE'LL GET HOME EARLY, HONEST TO GOD.
WE WON'T STAY OUT TOO LATE.
WELL, I SUPPOSE THESE SHOULD SOAK OVERNIGHT.
YEAH! HEY, DO YOU STILL HAVE THE GOOD TIMES MACHINE? UM, NO, I'VE GOT A SATURN.
IT'S LIKE BEING PART OF A CLUB.
CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH I-I GOT IT, G-G-G-G-G-G-- GOT IT! YOU ARE IN CONSTRUCTION! YES, I AM! [ BOTH LAUGH .]
LOOK AT THAT.
OH, OH, OFFICER, I THINK THERE'S SOMEONE HERE BREAKING THE LAW.
WRITE HER A TICKET.
PULL OVER THERE, MA'AM.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CITE YOU FOR EXCESS CLEAVAGE! RIGHT! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? OFFICER, YOU WANT TO INSPECT HER TRUNK, DON'T YOU? LOOK AT THAT.
WHOA.
OH! OFFICER DOWN! OFFICER DOWN! HE -- HE AIN'T GETTING UP.
JIM, IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING.
I WAS WORRIED SICK.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU KNOW, HONEY, I'M THINKING OF WRITING THE REFRIGERATOR PEOPLE.
THEY DEFINITELY GOT TO PUT A DIMMER ON THIS LIGHT.
AND MORE LEG ROOM, YOU KNOW? DO YOU REALIZE I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU SINCE 2:00 IN THE MORNING? WHAT IF THERE WAS AN EMERGENCY? WHERE'S YOUR CELL PHONE? YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I HEARD IT RINGING.
AND THEN I DROPPED IT IN THE URINAL, AND I WOUND UP ANSWERING THAT LITTLE CAKE.
OH.
OH, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE LIKE AN IRRESPONSIBLE TEENAGER.
CHERYL YOUR GENERATION DOESN'T GET ME.
THAT -- I WANT THAT.
[ GROANS .]
OH.
OH, NO, NO.
Jim.
JIM.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO COOL, DON'T YOU? MR.
BIG SHOT, HUH, WITH THE FAMILY? "OH, YEAH, I REALLY GET IT ON.
"CHERYL AND I, ALL THE TIME, MAKING LOVE, YEAH.
I'M THE BOSS OF THIS COMPANY.
ANDY, GET TO WORK.
" YEAH, YOU'RE NOTHIN', BUDDY.
YOU'RE NOTHIN'.
ANDY, I CAN HEAR YOU.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? STAPLING.
I'M AN ARCHITECT, YOU KNOW.
I'M AT WORK, NOT HUNG OVER, REEKING OF JOHN BARLEYCORN.
HAVE A LITTLE TOO MUCH FUN LAST NIGHT, MILADY? NO.
I'M FINE.
I STILL GOT IT.
I'M LIKE A TEENAGER.
WHOO! OH.
[ DOOR CLOSES .]
AAH! DANNY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? JIM, ANDY.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE YOUR CELL PHONE BACK.
OH.
HOW DID YOU, UH I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
HERE, ANDY, HERE'S THAT COMPANY PHONE I PROMISED YOU.
ALL RIGHT! MOVIN' ON UP.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO TO HARLOW'S AGAIN TONIGHT, HUH? YOU TWO -- YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO LIVE IT UP.
HEY, MAYBE WHEN YOU GO OUT TONIGHT, I COULD TAG ALONG.
ARE YOU READY TO LOSE YOUR SOUL IN A NIGHT OF UNBRIDLED PAGAN DEBAUCHERY? ACTUALLY, IT'S A COMMON MISCONCEPTION THAT ANCIENT PAGAN SOCIETIES -- YOU'RE OUT.
SO, COME ON, DANNY.
WHAT TIME YOU WANT TO HOOK UP? DOESN'T MATTER TO ME, SINCE I'VE GOT NOWHERE TO BE TOMORROW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? REMEMBER THAT REDHEAD I CITED FOR UNLAWFUL USE OF SPANDEX? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
SHE WAS CUTE.
SHE FILED A COMPLAINT.
I'VE BEEN SUSPENDED.
OH, DANNY, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S TOUGH.
I KNEW I SHOULD NEVER HAVE USED MY REAL TICKETS.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, MAN? WHAT ANY SELF-RESPECTING TEMPORARILY UNEMPLOYED LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER WOULD DO.
RETURN TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME! YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO GO BACK OUT TONIGHT? IS JFK STILL ALIVE AND RUNNING THE COUNTRY FROM THE BASEMENT OF THE PENTAGON? WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM ELVIS? YEAH! YEAH! HEY, GIRLS, YOU GUYS, HEY.
NO, NO, NO, YOU GUYS.
DADDY CAN CHOKE.
NO, HE WON'T.
HE CAN CHEW IN HIS SLEEP.
YEAH, IT'S TRUE.
CHERYL, IT'S REALLY COOL.
HE'S LIKE SOME KIND OF CIRCUS FREAK.
Cheryl: WHAT? ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S ENOUGH.
GO UP AND WASH THAT CHEESE STUFF OFF YOUR FINGERS.
THANK YOU.
HE'S BEEN OUT WITH DANNY FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW.
I FIND HIM SLEEPING ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH A REALLY BIG CAT.
HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO LET HIM GO ON LIKE THIS? HEY, IF HE WANTS TO PROVE SOMETHING TO HIMSELF, I'M NOT GONNA STOP HIM.
BESIDES, I THINK HE'S ABOUT TO HIT HIS WALL.
OOH! NOTHING BUT NET.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
OH, I WASN'T DREAMING.
IT IS RAINING CHEESE BALLS.
HEY, LADIES.
HEY.
READY TO ROLL, BUDDY? OH, WHAT TIME IS IT? OH, MY GOD, I SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH MY NAP.
HA HA HA.
SO, WHAT, ARE WE GONNA GO TO HARLOW'S AGAIN TONIGHT? FIVE NIGHTS IN A ROW? NAH.
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING NEW? THEY GOT THIS NEW GO-KART PLACE WITH A DRIVE-THROUGH BEER WINDOW.
LET'S TRY THAT.
WELL, UH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT, BUT, UH, DANNY, YOU KNOW, I JUST YOU KNOW, I-I GOT TO DO SOME STUFF AROUND THE HOUSE.
WHAT STUFF, JIM? YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS, BUT IT'S MY TURN TO GIVE THE KIDS A BATH.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SWEETIE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.
YEAH, I'LL HELP HER.
YEAH, THANK YOU, HONEY.
NO PROBLEM.
GO, GO.
YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME.
NO, NO, NO, CHERYL.
YOU DID IT LAST NIGHT, REMEMBER? YEAH, LIKE I HAVE EVERY NIGHT SINCE THE DAY THEY WERE BORN.
I'M GETTING THE DISTINCT IMPRESSION HERE THAT MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT TO GO OUT.
WELL ALL RIGHT, DANNY, LOOK I JUST DON'T THINK I CAN GO OUT TONIGHT.
I MEAN, I GOT UP THIS MORNING AND LOOKED IN MY EYES, AND I COULDN'T FIND THE WHITE PARTS.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING FUN.
OH, I DID.
I HAD A BLAST, BUT I JUST THINK I WAS TRYING TO BE THE GUY I WAS WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
AND I THOUGHT I WAS, BUT I'M JUST NOT.
OKAY, FINE, SURE.
HEY, LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU DO? YOU DRAGGED ME OUT FOR A BIG TASTE OF THE HIGH LIFE, I GET SUSPENDED, I GOT ALL KINDS OF TIME ON MY HANDS, AND YOU DROP ME LIKE A PLAGUE RAT AT A PET SHOW.
I WOULDN'T PUT IT THAT WAY, DANNY.
I MEAN -- NO, THAT'S NO PROBLEM.
HEY, THAT'S OKAY, MAN.
THAT'S FINE.
LISTEN, HEY, I UNDERSTAND.
I'M COOL.
NO SWEAT.
THAT'S OKAY.
SEE YOU AROUND, SLIM.
[ DOOR SLAMS .]
[ LAUGHING .]
WHAT? HE CALLED YOU "SLIM.
" [ BLUES MUSIC PLAYING .]
HEY, GUYS.
HEY, TONY.
HOW YOU DOIN', JIM? GOOD, MAN, GOOD.
NICE TO SEE YOU THERE.
HEY.
HOW ABOUT THOSE BEARS, HUH? YEAH, GREAT.
GONNA BE A SPECIAL SEASON, THIS ONE COMING UP, HUH? YEP.
HOW ABOUT THE CUBS? YEAH.
YEAH.
BULLS.
SURE.
YEP.
BEER NUTS? CALLING ME CUTE NAMES WON'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, LOOK, DANNY, UH I KNOW I LET YOU DOWN BACK THERE.
YOU KNOW, 10 YEARS OF A LOVING FAMILY AND A CLEAN LIFE HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH ME.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I WISH I COULD HAVE HUNG IN THERE WITH YOU.
LAST NIGHT WHEN I GOT HOME, I HAD TO GRAB HOLD OF THE LAWN TO KEEP FROM FALLING OFF THE EARTH.
[ CHUCKLES .]
I KNOW.
I KNOW THE FEELING.
REMEMBER WHEN I DARED YOU TO CLIMB THE WHEATON WATER TOWER AND SPRAY-PAINT YOUR NAME ON THE SIDE OF IT? YEAH.
AND YOU DID IT.
YOU ACTUALLY DID IT, MAN.
I KNOW.
AND THAT SAME GUY IS NOW MARRIED WITH A WONDERFUL WIFE AND THREE GREAT KIDS.
IT JUST BLOWS MY MIND.
ME? COME ON, OUR JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, YOU BROKE THE RECORD FOR DETENTIONS, AND NOW YOU'RE CARRYING A BADGE AND GIVING OUT TICKETS.
AT LEAST I'M STILL GETTING SUSPENDED.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA FIRE YOU, ARE THEY? NAH, MY CAPTAIN INTERVENED.
THEY'LL PROBABLY JUST SEND ME AROUND TO HIGH SCHOOLS WITH A PUPPET.
HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN THE GARAGE.
NEAT.
YOU STILL PLAY, DON'T YOU? IS THERE AN ENTIRE FAMILY OF ALIENS BEING CROSSBRED WITH HUMANS AT WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE? WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM ELVIS? OH, YOU GOT IT.
HEY, COME ON.
I KNOW THE GUYS.
THAT'S MY DRUMMER TONY.
REALLY? YEAH.
WHY DON'T WE JUMP UP THERE, SING A SONG? WOULD THEY LET US? YEAH, THEY'D LET US.
COME ON, FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE BLUES? IN THAT WORLD, WE'RE STILL YOUNG BUCKS.
COME ON, BUCK.
LET'S GO.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO.
HEY, TONY.
CAN WE JUMP IN? YEAH, COME ON.
COME ON.
YOU GUYS KNOW "CADILLAC MAN"? YEAH, YOU REMEMBER THE WORDS? I KNOW THE WORDS.
YOU TRY TO KEEP UP WITH ME.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU? * I PULL A 40-HOUR WEEK * * FRIDAY GOT THE CHECK IN MY HAND * * WELL, I CASH IT REAL QUICK, SPEND IT AS FAST AS I CAN * * I ROLL IN WITH THE LADIES, THEY CALL ME THE CADILLAC MAN * * I'M THE KING OF THE ROAD, COUPE DE VILLE IS MY THRONE * * AND AS LONG AS I GOT THE DOUGH * * I'LL BE GOING, GOING * * GOING, GOING, GONE, YEAH * ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.