American Dragon: Jake Long (2005) s01e20 Episode Script

(BELL RINGS)
Ha ha! Done! Time.
You did it, boy.
Rowlett's class
to the front steps in 17 seconds flat.
That's right, baby.
Who got the mad skizzills?
That's right. Uh-huh!
It's Jake! Say what!
Whoa! Watch it, doof!
Can't you see the Bradster's
smooth talkin' the hottie squad over here?
What's this?
"Dear Jake, nobody loves you
more than your p-pa Par"
-Parents.
-Parents.
"Parents. Love, Mom and Dad."
Aw! Isn't that sweet?
Doofus' mommy and daddy
wroted him a wuv note
and lefted it
on his skateboard.
(ALL LAUGHING)
JAKE: Man, my parents
are seriously buggin'.
Check out these notes, yo.
"Jake, after meals sweet and saucy,
don't forget to dental flossy."
Ooh, wow. This one's written
in some ancient Aztec language.
Oh. Yeah.
"Here's a tip
for our precious sweetie.
"Look both ways when crossing
the streetie." Ha ha.
They hid these things
all over the place.
In my locker. In my book bag.
In my drawers. And you wanna know why?
I got the idea
from Megamom Monthly,
along with some great
cardio-sculpting tips.
We stuck them
all over the place.
You'll be discovering
the little suckers for days.
Don't sweat it, dude.
They're just looking out for you.
Yeah. Nobody loves you
more than your parents.
It's all love and gravy
with your P's, baby.
-(KNOCK ON DOOR)
-Looking out for me?
More like looking
to embarrass me.
Yeah, yeah. We coming.
Uh, Jake?
I I think it's for you.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
People, we're not braggin' ♪
He's the American Dragon ♪
He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
A real live wire ♪
American Dragon ♪
JAKE: Dragon up!
American Dragon ♪
Oh, oh, oh. Whoa!
He's the American Dragon ♪
Break it down with the dragon
His skills are gettin' faster ♪
With Grandpa, the master ♪
His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
American Dragon ♪
From the "J" to the "A"
to the "K" to the "E" ♪
I'm the Mack Daddy dragon of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
GRANDPA: Jake! Get back to work!
Aw, man.
(GONG)
MAN: thank you all for coming
to our mountain village.
We giants aren't
used to outsiders.
So, tell us. Why have you sought
the help of the American Dragon?
It's our baby boy Hobie.
Ohh! (GRUNTS)
Aah!
Well, I guess he isn't
really a baby anymore.
He's 8 years old and he's
just gone and run off.
Uh, yo, Jakie,
your shirt tag's sticking out. Oh!
"Start your day with eggs and waffles,
'cause missing breakfast is really awfuls.
"Love, Mom and Dad."
So, your kid ran away, huh?
Yeah, I used to try that all the time.
I'd get as far as the end of my leash
before Argh!
-GRANDPA: Fu Dog!
-Yeah. I'm sorry.
We have no idea where Hobie
might have run off to.
SPUD: Kewl!
What's so cool
about a bunch of posters?
No, not cool. KEWL.
The King Extreme Wrestling League.
I've been following it
since I was but a wee little tot.
Hobie was always very interested
in this strange human activity.
He practiced those wrestling
moves all the time.
Ma and I didn't
understand it.
Despite our size,
we giants are peaceful creatures.
So, you think Hobes left home
to become a professional wrestler?
That is what we must find out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for the main event.
Okay. That's King Hammer.
He owns the whole league.
Too bad he don't
own a fashion consultant.
In this corner,
your KEWL Champion,
the Slamma from Montana,
a savage beast who won't be tamed,
Kodiak Mac,
the human grizzly!
And in this corner, the new sensation
that is sweeping the nation,
the king of pin,
the biggest kid on the block,
Hobie the Giant!
What? That's Ma and Pa Giant's baby boy?
Man, I'd hate to be the one
changing that diaper.
-Ring the bell.
-(BELL DINGS)
Okay. Now, watch close.
It's like an intricate
(THUD)
(BELL DINGS)
We have a new champion.
I give you Hobie the Giant.
Hooray!
That baby boy is about his business.
MAN: Over here. Over here.
Hey, Hobie. Over here. Can I get a shot?
JAKE: Nice match, champ.
Too bad your ma and pa
couldn't be here to watch.
How'd you get Wait.
You know my ma and pa?
-I know they want you back home.
-I'm not going back.
I want to wrestle
and be the champion and
This jerk bugging you, Hobie?
-Whoa!
-(CAT YOWLS)
HAMMER: Let me explain
something to you, kid.
Hobie does what I want,
says what I want. I own Hobie.
You can't own someone.
This is a free country, yo!
The country might be free, yo,
but my wrestling league ain't.
As long as he's champion,
Hobie is property of KEWL
and he ain't goin' nowhere!
Now, beat it.
"For days when things get really scary,
wear 2 pairs of underweary.
"Love, Mom and Dad"?
Aw, ain't that sweet.
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!
Aw, man!
Hmm. If King Hammer
never lets a champ go,
we must ensure that Hobie
does not remain champion.
And there's only one way
to do that.
Someone's gonna have
to step into that ring and take him down.
Any volunteers?
Me? Forget it, guys. You see this body?
It looks good in 3D.
I'd like to keep it that way.
Ah! But you will not be
wrestling as Jake Long.
In the ring, you will be
known as Dragon Fire.
See, while you're
in dragon costume,
You'll take down Hobie, Hammer will
release him from his contract,
Then ba da bing! We take him home
to Ma and Pa Giant. Hello!
Yo! I'm all over it.
Dragon Fire is in the hizzouse!
Hyah!
Okay. All right.
The dragon gimmick could work.
But you're still gonna need an outfit
or something flashy. Something like
What you need
is some fashion bling.
So, step back and watch
Miss Trixie do her thing.
I'm so hot ♪
Oh, so hot ♪
I'm on fire ♪
Look at me ♪
I'm so hot ♪
Yes! I'm on fire ♪
ALL: Perfect!
All right. Now you're not just a wrestler,
you're a wrestler with mad style.
Pop your collar, baby.
JAKE: Yo, Hammer!
What are you supposed to be?
You can call me Dragonfire,
or you can just save the time
and call me champ.
What's with
the entourage?
I'm Dragonfire's manager,
Al Uh, Bondegas.
And this is, uh, his stylist, the
The Countess Diva Donna Prima.
-Ooh! I like that!
-Thought you might, girl.
A dragon gimmick, huh?
Costume's pretty fake,
but let's see if you can fight.
Boys, see what he's got.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Hyah! Hyah!
Okay, you got my attention.
Before my client signs,
we have but one condition.
If my chap beats that chump
you call champ, you cut him loose.
He's out of the league. Cool?
Sure, but I wouldn't
worry about that.
Hobie flattens
guys your size like a steamroller.
Sign here.
Hold fast, dude!
We got one more condition.
I want a piece
of Dragonfire's merchandising rights,
payable in cold, hard cash.
Hmm. Diva's got to eat, too.
Deal.
JAKE: So, when's my first match?
HAMMER: Right now.
Everybody starts
in the minor leagues, kid. Have fun.
Wh Wh What?
Yo, hands off!
Whoa! Hey! Put me down! Doh!
Get up and take
your beatin', boy.
Aw, man!
Stay back, old man.
I don't want to hurt you.
Well, I may be old,
butYah!
Oh! Oof!
Yo, who's the geezer?
That's the Flying Walrus.
He used to be the greatest ever.
That was like 30 years ago.
Dang! Looks like
homeboy's still got it.
Yah! Unh!
Who's the Walrus?
I am the Walrus!
(GROANS)
Aw
(SLURP)
(GASPS) Walrus dude's
gonna take a nasty bite
out of Jake's backside!
The denture clencher!
Wow!
No worries, Trix.
I have this subtle Eastern motivational
technique I've been practicing.
Do better!
Much, much better!
Huh?
Whoa!
What in thunder? Unh!
(MUMBLING)
CROWD: 1, 2, 3!
That's right! Aw, yeah!
Official Dragonfire
merchandise right here!
All Countess Diva Donna Prima originals.
(CASH REGISTER DINGS)
(COUGHING) Listen, Hobie,
you mind if we talk?
-Go ahead.
-I'm gonna be straight with you.
I'm not really a wrestler.
I'm the American Dragon.
(SCOFFS) No duh.
And you're trying
to get me to go home.
Look, we can do this the easy way,
or we can do this the hard way.
When I fight you in the championship,
just go down. Take a dive.
Then I bring you home to your mom and pa,
and everyone's happy.
(GRUNTS) Yeah, well, I won't be happy.
I want to wrestle.
Ma and Pa,
they just don't get it.
(SIGHS)
Guess it's gonna be
the hard way.
ANNOUNCER: Dragonfire
vs. Baron von Fishslap!
(DINGING)
ANNOUNCER: Dragonfire vs. Monstrocon!
(WOLF WHISTLE)
ANNOUNCER: Dragonfire vs. The Undead Head!
(SCREAMS)
ANNOUNCER: Dragonfire vs. Goorilla!
Uh, Jake, you have something
caught in your sleeve.
"When a bear's nearby, don't act silly.
To escape him, simply run downhilly"?
"Love, Mom and Dad"?
Yo, that's it!
I've had it for real this time!
Do you guys have any idea how totally
whack and useless these notes are?
Well, it's true,
you know.
Bears have stubby legs,
so they'll trip and fall
if you get them running downhill.
Know what? Never mind.
Y'all just don't get it.
Tween angst.
What are you gonna do?
A'ight, this is it, Spud.
I put every cent I made
back into the new fashion line.
Jake wins the championship tonight,
and mama Trixie's gonna be
blowing her nose with $100 bills.
But why would you want
to get boogers on your
Yo, it's a figure of speech.
Work with me, Spudinski.
I'm not going home, even if you win,
which you totally won't.
That's big talk
for a big Uh
Man, I really gotta
start thinking through my comebacks.
I love my ma and pa,
but I don't need 'em.
Got Mr. Hammer
taking care of me.
Wake up, Hobie!
Hammer's just using you
'cause you're a real giant.
If you'd just go
back to your village
and talk to your parents,
you could
(DOOR OPENS)
Uh, see you in the ring.
A real giant?
What did he mean by that?
Uh, well, you know,
before I came to wrestle for you,
I used to live
in a village of giants.
And there's a whole village of giants
just as big as you?
Oh, no.
They're a lot bigger.
Hmm And where was
this village exactly?
TRIXIE: Official Dragonfire world
championship merchandise over here!
Dress like the champ.
MAN: He ain't the champ yet!
Man, Dragonfire owns that belt!
Y'all just ain't hip to the truth yet.
(CROWD CHEERING)
HAMMER: Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to get KEWL!
In the red and yellow
trunks, tonight's challenger
The squire of fire,
The tall ball of brawl,
the lizard for shizzard Dragonfire!
(CHEERING)
And in the brown trunks,
your KEWL Champion
The sultan of slam, the super absorbent,
2-ply wrestling guy
Hobie the Giant!
Don't play nice.
(BELL DINGS)
Can you see me now?
Can you see me now?
How you gonna pin
something you can't touch?
Whoa!
Whoa!
-Ooh!
-All right!
Come on! You get up!
It's only 400 pounds,
you crybaby!
Get up!
1, 2
(SNIFFING) Can you smell barbecue?
Yeow!
Now, that's what I call
a hot move.
Can I get a holla?
(CROWD CHEERING)
Hee! Stop!
(GAGGING)
Okay, dude, I got an idea.
I call it the 4-post,
rodeo whangity-bangity shim sham.
Uh, you sure about this, Spud?
(CROWD CHEERING)
Huh?
1, 2, 3!
(CHEERING)
Do you believe in miracles?
Dragonfire, what?
I said Dragonfire, what, y'all?
What did I say?
As soon as Hammer gives him the belt,
these shirts are gonna sell like
Wait a minute. Where Hammer at?
CROWD: What's going on?
What? What?
Yo, where'd that punk go?
(BOTH SNORING)
Wh Wha?
(GRUNTING)
HAMMER: Come on, get
these giants loaded up.
What is this?
HAMMER: Just get in the truck.
Congratulations, giants.
Thanks to Hobie, you are all
going to be wrestlers.
My wrestlers!
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
JAKE: Hyah!
I don't get it.
Where'd Hammer go?
Maybe he went to the village.
Village? What are
you talking about?
Uh, Mr. Hammer was asking questions
about where I come from, so I told him.
He even said
he wanted to meet the rest of the giants.
Aw, man! Don't you get it?
What?
What does he want?
An all-giant wrestling league.
Think of all the money he could make.
But giants are peaceful.
Ma and Pa wouldn't want to wrestle.
Uh, kid, I don't think
Hammer's planning to give them
much of a choice,
if you know what I mean.
He's gonna make them
do it, Hobie.
Oh, no, he's not!
HAMMER: Let's move out!
(HORN HONKS)
Go check it out.
Huh?
Aah!
Why you gotta make me
beat you outside the ring, too?
Don't you know
that's just embarrassing?
What up, Mac?
(ROARS)
Dang, yo!
How does such a big, grizzly dude
run so dang fast on stubby legs?
Wait, stubby legs
When a bear's nearby,
don't act silly.
To escape him,
simply run downhilly.
(GROWLING)
Raa! Whaa!
Ha! Have a nice trip!
Come on, Fu, you can do it.
Everybody's counting on you.
-(GROWLING)
-Yaa!
Get him!
Oh, boy. Back off!
Don't make me
do something I don't want to do.
Ah, we are real scared.
What's the little doggie
gonna do?
All right,
you asked for it.
(COUGHING AND GAGGING)
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Hello, poochie.
All right, I was hoping
we wouldn't have to do it this way.
I'm thinking of a number
from one to 10.
The closest one gets to take me on first,
and then we keep going on like that,
one at a time, until
Oh! Unh!
(TRUCK BEEPING)
Open the door!
Ma? Pa?
Hobie, my man!
This, uh This, uh
It isn't what it looks like.
You chained up my ma and pa!
Yo, Hobes, want to tag in?
Pile on the dragon
and the giant!
(GROANING)
Aah!
Easy now. After all I've done for you,
this is how you repay me?
Hey, I'm not the one
looking for payback.
Aah!
Ma, Pa, I'm I'm sorry!
I never should've run off like I did.
It's okay, baby.
It's okay.
You have made a family
very happy, young dragon.
Sometimes they do
some majorly whack things,
but, deep down, every kid knows
nobody loves you like your parents.
Very wise.
TRIXIE: So, now that KEWL's over,
how am I supposed to
unload all this stuff?
Excuse me.
Grinter Axgrind, Giantastic Toys.
-Thanks for the rescue, by the way.
-Yo, it's cool.
I think your clothes would look great
on our Little Petunia doll line.
I'll buy the whole bunch
at, say, 100 per?
(CASH REGISTER DINGS)
Well, heck yeah, homey!
Let's see that money, baby.
Great. I've got all the fish
right in my cave. Be right back.
Uh, did he just say fish?
Oh, yeah. Giants use fish
instead of money.
Did I forget to mention that?
Blech! Yuck! Ew, fish?
That is so nasty!
(SNIFFING) Do you smell something?
(YAWNS)
S'up, guys?
Thought you might like
some eggs and waffles.
I can't have y'all
missing breakfast, now, can I?
Huh, there's something
on your back.
Oh, yours, too.
"You Dad Jake."
Hmm, that's odd. What does yours say?
"Thank Mom and love."