American Housewife (2016) s01e20 Episode Script

1 - You're hovering.
- [Motor buzzing.]
Sorry.
It's just Are you setting the table so nicely to be helpful or because of an urge you can't control? No wrong answer.
For once in your life, just leave me alone! She really took full advantage of that "no wrong answer" waiver.
[Buzzing continues.]
Get that out of my face! Your drone is so easy to control.
It's all about quality, amigo.
This is the kind the CIA uses.
I have the kind you get on sale that loses contact with the remote at around 6 feet and then gets stuck in a tree.
Oh, you got to get one of these it's 5 grand, camera included.
5 grand? For a toy? Well, it's not so much.
See, think about it you'd spend that on a purse, right? No, I wouldn't spend that on a car.
Get this stupid thing out of my house and tell him to take his drone with him.
Mom, you're not allowed to yell at Cooper.
He's a guest.
Anyone who eats at my house three times in a week is no longer a guest.
[Door opens.]
Hi, guys.
Hi, Mrs.
Otto, Mr.
Otto.
I like the sweater.
Well, thank you, Eyo.
I was thinking of getting rid of it.
My shawl collars are often disparaged.
Aw, don't listen to him.
It's lit.
No, it's not lit.
He's just kissing your butt.
Your sweater is a pox on this family.
Eyo, what have you done? Hey, don't yell at my boyfriend like that.
I have a boyfriend.
[Chuckles.]
We're going upstairs to study.
- What a sweet kid.
- Mm-hmm.
Cooper: Don't let his smile fool you.
- Those two it is on like Babylon.
- Nothing is on.
Except for your stupid feet on my furniture.
What is wrong with you, man? Sorry.
I just figured since it wasn't fancy, I Move slowly towards the door.
Try not to show fear.
[Breathes sharply.]
Ooh, let's have my drone film us cruising around on my Vespas.
That is so much cooler than undocumented bike riding.
You've got the life.
I'm like one of those kids born in prison.
- The kid's a terrible influence on Oliver.
- [Door opens, closes.]
- I'm worried about Anna-Kat.
- You're right.
He's a terrible influence on her, too.
You know what? I'm gonna get him to stop hanging around this house.
Why do you always get in feuds with children? I should set up a meeting with Dr.
Ellie - so we can talk about Anna-Kat.
- Mm-hmm.
[Taylor and Eyo laughing.]
But, first, I'm gonna check in on Taylor and Eyo and make sure it is not on like Babylon or any other ancient Mesopotamian city! [Taylor and Eyo laughing.]
Eyo: At least I get to see you one last time.
No, no, please don't leave me.
I love you.
Belle, it's me.
It is you.
[Gasps.]
Dad! How's the studying going? I was just being the Beast.
Yeah, I can see that.
From "Beauty and the Beast.
" He was just helping me rehearse a scene for drama club.
Oh.
Well.
I'm gonna leave this open and sit a few feet from your door as is my custom.
And he thinks he can act however he wants because his family's rich, and it's rubbing off on Anna-Kat.
Plus, he was one of those faces you just want to punch.
Well, let's call Anna-Kat in - and ask her what she thinks.
- [Door opens.]
Cooper Bradford has nothing to do with how I've been acting.
- [Door closes.]
- Typically, children in the hall don't overhear what's said because the parents aren't quite so loud.
It's you guys you're always watching me and whispering.
Am I washing my hands too much or too little? Am I exhibiting "behaviors"? We also whisper too loud.
I'm turning 8, and you're treating me like I'm a toddler.
I think Anna-Kat is conveying a legitimate feeling.
- Damn right.
- I've got this.
You're overconcern may be fueling her anxiety.
What do you suggest? Fight the urge to help her so much.
Give her a little more independence.
Hmm.
Is that what you would like? Yeah.
Okay.
Daddy and I will try to give you more space.
[Whispering.]
I still think it's Cooper Bradford.
Anna-Kat: It's not Cooper Bradford! I got to work on my whisper.
Okay.
Here is your class.
Have a good day, honey.
Why don't you take that sweatshirt off? Or keep it on I'll leave it up to you.
Get your own apartment if you want.
Katie, wait up! Katie: Holly Kent over-involved class mom.
She only has one kid, so she's super optimistic and full of life.
I have no patience for that.
I'm so glad I caught you.
I just wanted to return the Tupperware you dropped off.
Thanks.
Anna-Kat's birthday cupcakes are still in here.
Yeah, they're in violation of the class snack code.
Gluten's a non-starter.
It's an allergen.
No, it's not.
That whole thing is made up.
There was no such thing as gluten-free when I was a kid, and guess what.
Nobody died from Wonder Bread.
Well, that was a long, long time ago.
It wasn't that long ago.
Just give them the cupcakes and mind your own business.
The safety of our children is my business.
You'd really be willing to take the chance that a child's throat would close up and they'd die right in front of your eyes for a cupcake? Oh, my God.
She's right.
Dr.
Ellie is right.
Now I know firsthand how Anna-Kat feels being smothered by ridiculous, hysterical over-parenting.
It's the worst.
Holly, thank you for being so terrible, truly.
Thank you.
[Laughs.]
Eyo: [Chuckles.]
You have, like, perfectly symmetrical nostrils.
[Laughs.]
I mean, it's kind of my thing, so What else is your thing? Well Check out my symmetrical flaring nostrils.
Dad! Hey, love your shoes, Mr.
Otto.
Really? Well, th I see what you're doing.
[Groans.]
How's the studying going? - Just finished.
- Great.
Cooper, time to go.
But before you do, head downstairs - and load the dishwasher.
- For real? You want to hang at my house, you're doing chores.
A chore is manual labor that you do around the house.
Hmm, interesting.
Yeah.
Hi.
We're not checking in on you, just saying hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So we thought, since you were turning 8, you might want to have a say on what we do for your birthday.
I'd like to have a candy-themed party.
Candy it is.
And for my present, you promised when I turned 8, I could walk to the library all by myself.
Mommy said that? Maybe you're not remembering correctly.
I was 5 and 3/4, and we were sitting on the front lawn.
You were wearing that purple sweater with the missing button.
There were big, fluffy clouds.
You said one looked like Dan Aykroyd, and I said I didn't know who that was.
A car with a Florida license plate drove by, - and you said one looks - Okay, so you remember.
I've been dreaming of this day ever since.
Well, then, a walk alone to the library it is.
Yes! Taylor, I think I just became a tween! - [Whispering.]
Are you crazy?! - [Whispering.]
Don't be mad at me.
Be mad at past Katie.
She's the idiot who signed off on it.
We can't let Anna-Kat wander the streets alone, even if the library is a few blocks away.
Well, Dr.
Ellie made us promise not to be overprotective.
I don't see how we can say no.
You put us in a terrible situation.
Again, not me past Katie.
That girl was all sorts of trouble.
- [Plate shatters.]
- Cooper: Sorry about the plate.
I assume it wasn't expensive.
Is it okay to hate a 13-year-old? Oliver, I think I just became a tween! Is letting Anna-Kat walk by herself really such a big deal? I mean, when I was a kid, I would run all around the neighborhood, and my parents had no idea where I was.
Same with me.
My parents weren't worried.
Actually, I think my mom was slightly bummed when I showed up again at night.
I had no freedom at all.
My parents sucked the joy right out of my childhood.
Isn't that how you raise your children now? Mm-hmm.
Why should they get off so easy? Ugh.
I'd love to bring my kids up the way I was raised, but Celeste won't have it.
She watches their every move and has turned them into wusses.
I say, "Go play in the backyard," and they say, "You want us to be kidnapped and grow up in a hole in the ground chained to a bed?" - Some days I do.
- But it's not right.
We should let our kids be kids ride bikes, climb trees, throw sticks at alligators.
- It's a Florida thing.
- Oh, absolutely.
The less supervision we give them, the more self-reliant they become.
It's called "free-range parenting.
" No, no, no.
It's free-range chicken.
You are not even trying to pay attention.
I am half-listening.
Statistically, it's safer today than it was 20 years ago.
And Westport is a very safe town, right? - Absolutely.
- So what's the verdict? Are you let Anna-Kat walk to the library all by herself? If I don't let her do this, I'm as bad as Holly Kent.
She's creating a community garden to bring together our children and the residents of the Westport Retirement Home.
[Scoffs.]
She needs to get a life.
- Granola bar? - Yeah.
Mnh, no bueno.
Hey, I don't know what you do in your house.
- Oh, it's more of an estate.
- Excuse me? Well, there are several houses on the property.
It's called "Juniper Hill.
" And there's this dude who welcomes you at the gate.
- Maurice.
- Right, Maurice.
He says, "Welcome to Juniper Hill," - and then gives you an iced tea, right? - Katie: Stop talking.
I don't care what kind of fancy-ass hill you live on.
Here at the Otto Estate, we don't waste food.
Finish it.
[Chuckles.]
Wait.
Is she serious? Mom, this is why no one ever waves us over to join them at the beach.
If he wants to be in our house, he lives by our rules.
[Dramatic music plays.]
Dude, just eat it, man.
When you're done with that, I want you two morons to hang these in the trees, where the candy-cane forest is gonna be for Anna-Kat's birthday.
[Chuckling.]
Why isn't your party planner doing that? Oh, I don't hire party planners, and I don't hire hitmen.
I do all the work myself.
You feel me? Talk to your wife.
She made my friend eat out of the garbage.
- What? Care to explain? - Nah.
- [Door closes.]
- [Both laughing.]
[Forced laugh.]
What are you doing? Playing Red Rover.
Come on, Eyo.
- Care to explain that? - [Door closes.]
- Nah.
- She's 15, Greg.
She's pretty.
She's got my face and my body before the misery of childbirth ruined it.
It was only a matter of time before she got a boyfriend.
And as boyfriends go I just don't like the pace it's going at.
- She's growing up.
- Well, shut that down.
Love this irrational, protective side of you.
And while we're on the subject, I talked to the girls, and Angela says, statistically, kids are safer than when we were young.
Made me feel better about my promise I made to Anna-Kat.
Statistics mean nothing if something happens to your kid.
You're right.
What was I thinking? Sending her out into the forest like Little Red Riding Hood.
That sweet little story ended in identify theft and a double murder.
Oh, God.
How do we tell our tragedy-obsessed daughter that we're too afraid of the world to let her walk a few blocks to the library? Well, let's just lie to her.
You've gotten on board with lying.
Finally, something we can do as a couple.
[Chuckles.]
Katie: We were all set to let you walk to the library - after school tomorrow.
- All set.
But I didn't know the rules that this town has.
Apparently, in Westport, you have to be 10 years old to walk across the street by yourself.
- We're sick about it.
- So sick.
But we don't want you to go to jail, so How about if you walk me across the street in front of our house? - Come again? - Then I can make it to the library without crossing another street.
Problem solved.
Problem solved, Greg.
Great job.
I should never have lied.
Nana was right.
If you're feeling unsure about anything at all, you can always ring a neighbor's doorbell.
The Lintons live there, the Sealanders there.
They're the Bumgarners.
Best skip that house.
Whenever our recycling bin overflows, I put it in theirs.
They've caught me like three times.
- Got it.
- Okay, let's say a van pulls up and a very nice person says he has your favorite type of candy and invites you inside.
- What do you do? - Does he have Pop Rocks? - Anna-Kat! - Kidding.
I do what you taught me no, go, yell, tell.
I say no, run away as fast as I can, yell my head off, and then tell a trusted adult.
Good.
And that goes for anyone stopping to ask for directions or offers to give you a ride or asks if you want to get in their car and pet their puppy.
- How cute is the puppy? - Anna-Kat! [Laughing.]
Kidding.
You guys are too easy.
Okay, well, so, the library is just right up there.
Easy peasy.
Easy peasy.
Okay.
What's your info? Phone number 203-555-0145.
Address 23 Woody Lane, Westport, Connecticut, 06880.
- Perfect.
- Okay.
Trial run's over.
You go back to the house.
I'm ready to go it alone.
[Sighs.]
She's ready.
Yeah, but are we? I don't know.
I'm so drained.
Kids should really come with a warning do not have kids.
Anna-Kat is on her way.
Good side we're not those crazy helicopter parents.
Bad side we let our favorite child You're not even hiding it anymore.
go out into the big, scary world by herself.
- How can we do that? - We're not.
- How we coming, boys? - It's up and running.
We're following her with Cooper's drone.
[Gasps.]
That's brilliant.
Okay, we got eyes on her.
[Gasps.]
There's my baby! She's alive! Oh, no, her shoelace is untied.
She's gonna trip and crack her Oh, she didn't need us to tell her.
She's doing it on her own.
I think this was a good decision.
Oh, hey, there's Taylor and Eyo.
Yeah, follow them.
- What are you doing? - Dad, that's not the mission.
What the hell? Told you it is on like James Caan.
- It is.
- Greg, it's fine.
- Keep your eyes on - That is not lit.
Greg, stop! [Drone buzzing.]
- Ooh! - Ooh! [Thuds, static crackles.]
Nice work, Greg.
Anna-Kat's off the radar.
Why couldn't you let Eyo play a little grab-ass? That drone was $5,000.
We'll call it even for the broken plate.
I'm calling the library to make sure she made it okay.
I'd be more worried about Taylor.
You crashed a drone into her.
Hi.
I was wondering if my daughter was there.
She's 8, cute.
She's got red Converse sneakers.
She's there.
Oh.
- Thank you.
- She made it! [Both laughing.]
- Oh.
- This is so ridiculous.
She walked a few blocks, and we're celebrating like the French when Lindbergh landed.
I know! Wasn't he the guy whose kid got snatched? Go clean the toilets, Cooper.
Dude, she's serious.
[Doorknob squeaks.]
[Gasps.]
You're home! [Laughs.]
Oh! I'm finally glad you learned to stop smothering me.
How was your walk? - Great.
- I'm so glad.
Until a car started driving next to me real slow.
- What? - And then the window rolled down.
- Who was it? - Me.
I followed her to make sure she made it home safely.
Thank you.
I can't believe you let an 8-year-old girl wander the streets all by herself.
Technically, I'm still 7.
What kind of mother are you? A gluten-feeding, non-grape-cutting, "letting them swim right after they've eaten" mother of three who slams the door on know-it-all moms.
Leave me alone! [Door slams.]
That's how you deal with weirdos who follow you home.
Got it.
Katie: Apparently, Holly Kent told everyone I'm a terrible mom.
I hope she has another kid and they try for a third and they end up with twins.
I love it when that happens.
- Katie.
- Tara.
So we'll be seeing Autumn at Anna-Kat's birthday party? Yes, and I'll be there, as well.
It's a drop-off party.
If I wanted an adult party, I would throw one and not invite you.
Yeah, well, I'm not leaving my child unsupervised.
She's not going to be unsupervised.
Greg and I will be there.
We don't trust you to look after our children.
- "We"? - Yes, we.
Aw, man.
Why don't I ever have a crew behind me anymore? Five or six Cuban girls would come in real handy right now.
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Laughter.]
Look at all this sugar.
What's the theme of this party type 2 diabetes? - [Chuckles.]
- Just being around it makes me want to go to a sweat lodge in Sedona.
What kind of mother allows this? The kind of mother that allows her child to roam the streets by herself.
Autumn! You know better.
Sugar kills.
It's a Pixy Stick, Tara.
Maybe if you pulled the stick out of your Tara, hi.
I'm so glad you and Autumn could make it.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hola, Mrs.
Otto.
Oh, great.
You're still here? Don't you have a home? Seven of them Aspen, Lake Como Shut up.
Go finish landscaping Lollipop Lane.
Cooper, are your parents at their home in Gstaad? Oh, it has a moat, so technically it's a castle.
Well, tell them we miss seeing them at the club.
But I miss them the most.
I'm Sage.
I love how everyone kisses your ass because your parents are the richest people in town.
Yeah, it's pretty deluxe.
Grown men call me "sir.
" - I don't see Eyo.
When's he coming? - He's not.
- And I have you to thank for it.
- Me? We both know this relationship is a bad idea.
I appreciate you scaring him off.
Oh, you just had to go ahead and agree with me and ruin everything.
I heard Eyo's not coming.
- It's my fault.
- Yeah, it is.
Look, I think Eyo is a great kid, but you have to understand what it's like when you see your little girl with her first boyfriend.
It's not easy for me.
But I'm not a little girl.
[Chuckling.]
I know.
But I have to start getting used to that.
I just want to make sure that you're making the right decisions and not going too fast.
Dad, I got it.
You have to trust me.
You're right.
I do.
Dad? Thanks for looking out for me.
And don't worry sex is not on the table.
Sex was on the table? I was worried about second base.
Since I'm now 8, I'm allowed to walk to the library all by myself.
How cool is that? - Awesome! - No way! I want to walk to the library alone.
Me, too.
- No way.
- Absolutely not.
I wouldn't be a good parent if I let you.
That's it.
I don't want to ruin Anna-Kat's party, but I'm not gonna stand by Hey! You can't talk about Mrs.
Otto that way.
Do you have any idea on what type of mother Mrs.
Otto is? Sure, she might come across as rude and sarcastic - and uncultured and - Move to your next point.
But Mrs.
Otto is the best mom in town.
I mean, look at this party.
She did it all by herself without a party planner or nannies or chefs.
Who here can say that they've ever done that? Heck, my last five birthdays, my parents haven't even been in the country.
She doesn't care how rich my family is.
And she doesn't kiss up to me like the rest of you.
She calls me on my crap, which I kind of like.
It means that she cares.
So, everyone, calm down.
She let her daughter walk to the library by herself.
Big whoop.
Now, leave her alone or you're all off the list for the Juniper Hill Winter Gala.
Comprende? [All murmuring.]
Okay, cake time.
Who wants gluten?! [Children cheering.]
Hey, hey! [Door opens, closes.]
Hey, Oliver, come get ready.
We're taking the whole family out to dinner.
Oh, you should try Lonergan's on Elm.
They have this Kobe steak that's dry-aged for 125 days.
Mm.
We're going to the Spaghetti Hut in Norwalk, where the meatballs are also aged 120 days, but that's not on purpose.
Well, I better be getting home then.
Where the hell are you going? I said the whole family.
But first, get your stupid Vespa off my lawn, or I'll kill you.