Better With You s01e20 Episode Script

Stupid hiccups.
The doctor just called! You're having twins! Oh, my God.
No way.
Eh, you're right.
No way.
But it did cure your hiccups.
Hey, you're right.
They're gone.
Oh, God.
Now the baby has 'em.
Oh, Vicky.
I have the hiccups.
Scare me.
Joel, that's an old wives' tale.
Here's what you need to do.
Go stand in the bathroom, close the door, turn on the shower.
Oh, the, uh, the steam will help? No, probably not, but at least I won't have to hear it.
Ohh! I have the hiccups.
Ooh! I got this great way to cure 'em.
Here, here, here.
Here.
Sit down.
All right.
Uh, you open your mouth, and then I put my mouth over your nose and blow in a little bit.
Hiccups gone instantly.
Works every time.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Mm.
Oh, my God.
They're gone.
I told you.
Ohh! Where did you learn that? Some guy at work did it to me.
Did the guy at work use his tongue, too? Nah.
That was special for you, baby.
Mom, we have to go.
Mia's dress fitting is in 20 minutes.
Oh, and-- And when you're there, please just tell her the dress looks great.
That way we won't have to have it altered again.
That saves everyone money.
Not everyone, dad just you.
To me, I am everyone.
Well, it is hard to think of something nice to say about how a pregnant bride looks.
Sometimes I can be a little too honest.
Oh.
You mean like when you told me, "you're in a battle with puberty, and you're not winning"? Aw, you remember that! You wrote it on my birthday card! All right.
Well, wish us luck.
The last fitting was not fun.
The dress was tight, and she took it so hard.
I felt terrible for her And for the zipper.
It was like someone was trying to force a confession out of that poor thing.
Hey, Ben, since you're here, would you mind if I ran my wedding toast by you? Oh, uh, that's okay.
You know, I'm gonna hear it on the day, and that's enough, I think.
I look at you tonight, and I'm overjoyed.
Oh, why, thank you, Joel.
Mia, as a father, sometimes it's hard to remember at life was like before children.
My life didn't really start until you girls were born.
Tonight Is a celebration.
My little girl is-- Is not so little anymore.
Honey, I remember the First time I held you.
Hey, I'm just gonna jump in right here.
Uh What's going on with those pauses? Wow.
You noticed that? Yeah, but only because they're really noticeable.
Well, I I'm giving a toast about my daughter, my-- My little girl, on the day of her wedding, so I get a little emotional, and I have to do something to choke those bad feelings down.
So you're trying to stop yourself from crying? Ben, real men don't cry.
That's why I take a pause, to switch over to a more manly emotion.
Oh, really? And what emotions do you consider manly? Well, the only acceptable emotions for a real man are anger, arousal, and itchy.
Okay, the compliment I'm gonna give Mia is "you look radiant," so don't take that.
Great.
I'll just say she's glowing.
No way.
If I get radiant, then I get all the ways light reacts off her skin.
Okay.
I'm coming o oh, you're gonna look great.
Oh, my God.
You look radiant! Mia, I don't know what to say.
You actually look incredible.
Actually? Come here.
I want you to see it.
Ohh.
We were prepared to lie, but now we don't have to.
Which is great, because I can save those lies for if your baby comes out not that cute.
Wow.
I look like a princess Who met her prince eight months ago And did not go home at midnight.
My baby girl! Ohh! She's beautiful! You look radiant.
Oh, it's a dream come true.
Yeah.
These tailors are magicians.
I just lost a bunch of weight, and they were able to take my dress in 2 inches Ohh.
And you can't even tell! No, I know.
They're awesome.
Like with my dress, you can't even tell that they let it out 2 inches And then 5 more inches.
Actually, large sections of my dress are elastic.
Well, I just hope I don't burst out of my dress at the reception when I'm pounding booze and Sushi between dances.
Oh.
Yeah, I will not be doing a lot of boozin' and Sushi eating.
Or dancing.
I'll be doing a lot of peeing And sweating and knocking things over with my belly.
We should toast.
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, can you please get her a water? She can't drink champagne.
That's okay.
I'll take hers.
Looks like grandma's drinking for two.
Actually, mom, I have thought a lot about how to do the champagne toast at the wedding, and I think I've figured out a way to do it that almost no one will notice.
To our big day! You guys wanna know what I did? Thank you.
You're in a good mood.
Oh, yes, I am Because I am going to make your father cry.
What are you talking about? Revenge! I am talking about revenge.
Do you remember what he did when Bobo died? What's going on? Bobo, Ben's childhood dog, died last night.
Oh, God.
He was such a good friend to me.
Ohh.
This is ridiculous.
Calm down, Tammy tear-ducts.
Be a man.
You sound like a little girl who lost her Dolly.
Today he asked me for help with his toast for Mia's wedding, and as he went through it, he got a bit emotional but successfully fought it off, so we've set up another coaching session for tomorrow, and I am going in for the kill.
You're really gonna do that to my father? Yes, I am, and when he cries, I am gonna make fun of him the way that he made fun of me.
Benjamin Coles! Count me in.
Really? Yeah.
He made fun of me for crying, too.
He does it all the time! He does it to everybody.
I mean, in "ET," my dad yelled at the screen, because little elliott started crying when Eddie went home.
Excuse me.
Eddie? Yeah, the alien-- Eddie.
"Ed-die, phone home.
" Did you not see the movie? His name was-- You know, it doesn't matter.
Look.
The important thing is that together we are gonna make that bald man cry! You know, we are going to point and we are going to mock, and it is really hard acting tough in an apron and oven mitts.
Oh! Here.
Try this.
That's weird.
What is it? Beef and broccoli.
That baby food machine my mom sent us basically turns everything into a smoothie.
I haven't chewed since breakfast.
Look, Casey, I want to talk to you.
I want to cancel the wedding.
What? Are you serious? No, just until after the baby comes.
Uh, it's all planned.
It's, like, a month away.
Honey, look, I want our wedding to be a celebration of us, but I-I want it to be a celebration that I can take part in, not just watch.
Why can't you take part in it? Because I don't want to be scared that my dress might burst open.
Honey.
The elastic is there-- No, no, no.
And I want to swallow the booze, not just spit it out, okay? And I don't want to pee every ten minutes, and I want to be able to do the worm.
The worm? It's a family tradition.
At a Putney wedding, the bride always does the worm.
Even my mom.
Later tonight, I get to be that dance floor.
Then let's postpone it.
I want the wedding to be one of the happiest days of both our lives.
We can wait.
Aw, honey.
Thank you.
I knew you'd understand.
And how cool is gonna be to have our little baby at the wedding? Mm.
At's cuter than a baby ring bearer? A baby best man? Our biggest problem is, we've gotta figure out a way to tell my dad.
Why? He'll be fine.
We'll just sit him down and talk to him about it over a glass of egg rolls.
No, he is gonna freak out when he finds out that he's gonna lose all the money that he paid in deposits.
Then we'll get the deposits back.
Oh, honey, you're being so great.
How much of this is about wanting to see me do the worm? Not much.
Like, 70%.
Okay, dad.
Try again.
All right.
Ahem.
Mia, seeing you on your wedding day, starting your new life, it's like your first day of kindergarten.
You had your little backpack We're so close.
Uh, Mr.
Putney, you know-- You know, can I, uh, can I stop you for a second? Yeah.
Um here.
Have a seat.
So I get what you're trying to do, but, you know, I don't think it's really coming across.
Remember, you are losing your daughter, your favorite.
Ben.
You are giving her away to another man.
In some ways, it's like you're being Replaced.
Let me see if I can explain it better, dad.
Mia's wedding is an emotional day, like the day she said her first word.
What was her first word? Do you remember what it was? No.
Oh, I think you do.
It wasn't "mommy.
" What was it again? "Daddy.
" And were you home to hear it? No.
I have to send a fax.
Damn it! So close.
I know what you were doing.
Doing? What? No, we were just-- I want in.
I will never forgive that man for not crying at our wedding.
I Do.
And now, any time he comes close to crying, he says he has to send a fax and leaves the room.
Why fax? Well, you guys are too young to remember, but a fax machine used to be quite the status symbol.
Okay, look, if you really wanna do this, we have one shot, and that's at the wedding.
When he gets in front of all these people, he won't be able to walk away.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So we have to plan.
Maddie, as maid of honor, your toast comes before his, right? Yes.
Okay, so we have to use that toast to-- To get to him, to get him a little weepy.
Genius! Well, what can I do? Mm-hmm.
Right now? Yeah.
Just be quiet and let think.
Okay.
Mom, you're like some kind of tiny bond villain.
Pussy galore! Oh, my God.
Ugh.
Not okay, Ben.
What? No, no.
That's a That's a bond villain.
It is.
Uh-huh.
I pr-- I promise! It's a b-- hey! It--I swear! Guys, it is! Well, you can look it up! I'm not a pervert! Do you really think this'll work in my experience, the way businesses stay open is by taking your money and not giving it back.
It'll be fine, okay? Look, I'm pregnant.
We'll start by asking nice, and if they refuse, I'll pretend to have one of those irrational outbursts at other pregnant women have.
Oh, like you had yest- Other pregnant women! Hi.
How can I help you? Hi.
Hi.
So, um, our wedding is only a couple of weeks away But with the baby coming, we realized, maybe we should Cancel the wedding.
It just seems like the right thing to do.
So if we could just have the deposit back That would be great.
So what do you say? No.
No way.
Yeah, no.
We call it a "nonrefundable deposit" for a reason.
Man, my dad is gonna totally lose it! Don't worry.
I'll talk to him.
I'll tell him it was my idea, and if he gets really mad, I'll tell him it was Ben's idea.
Oh, honey.
I love you.
Just to be safe, we should forge an e-mail from Ben telling us to cancel the wedding.
Good idea.
That is something he would totally do, like when he sent you that e-mail telling you to forget my band's last gig.
Yeah.
Jerk.
Here's the latest.
I have moved Joel's old friends closer to the main table, and the one who lost his family in that propane explosion is front and center.
It will Ratchet up the emotions! Okay.
Maddie, how are the visual aids? Good.
I've got photos.
Mia and dad asleep on the couch.
Mm.
Mia putting gum in dad's hair-- That's a double whammy.
Little girl's leaving, and hair's already gone.
And then I will hand him this special little hankie.
Oh, my God.
It's bink-bink, Mia's old blanket.
She wouldn't go anywhere without it.
Joel got it for her.
Oh, it's still so soft.
Ohh.
She carried it around until she was 9, would never let go of it.
After she threw up on it on a roller coaster, she wouldn't even let me wash it.
Why? Why do I rub strange things on my face? Hey.
Okay.
I have some news.
I also have a calzone.
So what do you want first-- You want the news, or you want to watch me eat the calzone? What's the news? Well, I don't want you to get mad, but, um, Casey and I want to postpone the wedding.
What? Oh, my God.
Why? Is everything all right? No! We're so close to seeing that old bastard cry! I mean, are you okay? No, look, we want to get married.
We just want to wait till after the baby comes.
So what happened? No.
Honey, you don't have to explain.
I understand 100%.
You're a lesbian.
No, I'm-- I am not a lesbian.
Yes, you are.
My friend Lynn's daughter "postponed" her wedding, and she is now living with a woman who looks like tom petty.
No.
No, no, no.
Mom, we still want to get married.
We just don't want to do it now.
We want to wait until after the baby comes, so I can really enjoy it.
Okay, uh, but just to clarify, you are actually getting married, right? Because not getting married is Ben's and my thing.
There's only room for one valid life choice per family.
I-I wouldn't say there's room.
More like a quiet tolerance.
Well, I told your dad we were postponing the wedding.
That went okay.
Then I told him about the deposits.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
I have never seen him that mad.
He was like the incredible hulk, if the hulk stayed white, had no muscle, and lost all his hair.
We have to stop him.
I still want them to make my dress for the wedding.
This is not good.
When that man gets angry about money, we all know how that can go.
Now you listen to me, you clown! I don't care what your cancellation policy is.
My daughter is sick! Now you give me my damn $30 back, or I am going to smack that giant smile right off your face! Some people have a fear of clowns.
Well, I know one clown who has a fear of your father.
Hi.
I'd like to yell at the manager, please.
My daughter is Mia Putney.
I want my deposit back.
Oh, sorry, sir.
We've already altered the dress.
We can't give yo any money back.
Nice try, but that's not gonna work on me, little lady.
I'm not some rube who just fell off the bumpkin truck.
Do you really think I'm gonna let you keep my deposit, then sell the dress to the next pregnant and/or fat broad who walks in here? Sorry, ladies.
No one makes double money off of Joel Putney.
No one! Sir, please.
We have a-- You know what? Fine.
Have it your way.
If you refuse to give me cash, then I'm getting $500 worth of something.
These and that And whole lot of this! Dad! What are you doing?! I am getting my money back in taffeta! Joel, calm down.
Dad, don't do this.
Oh, I'm doing it-- Here and everywhere else that has my money.
I am not paying for a wedding that isn't happening.
You know what? That's exactly what I was afraid of! You don't care that me getting married right now would make me unhappy.
All you care about is the money! That's not true.
So it's just about the free taffeta? Of course it's about the money.
That's all you ever care about! No, it's not just about the money.
It's also that I was looking forward to getting up in front of all those people and telling you how I really feel, and now I can't do that! Why do you have to be in front of people to tell me how you feel? I'm your daughter.
Okay, if-- If you want to tell me something, you don't need an occasion.
Just say it! Oh, so I'm supposed to get up at some random brunch and say, "on this special day, before you have your own child, I want to say what an honor it was to have you as my child"? I look at you, and it's like time has frozen.
You're still my little girl.
I mean, maybe a wedding gown has replaced the diapers, but I still feel the need to protect you and make you smile, because even without knowing it, that's what you've done for me every second of your life.
You've made me the happiest father on the face of the earth.
To the most beautiful bride.
I love you, honey.
I love you, too, dad.
Yes! We did it! Oh! Are you seeing this? He's crying! It's glorious! Oh, no, maddie! Not you, too.
Come-- Vicky.
Vicky, let's point-- You know what-- Come on! This is our moment of triumph! I mean-- Hey! Hey, everyone! Hey, everyone, look at the baby! Look, he's crying! Hey Hey, did the little girl lose her Dolly? Ooh! Yes.
Yes, I'm crying, Ben.
My little girl is getting married and having a baby.
How are you not crying? What's wrong with you? You're dead inside.
No.
No, no.
No, you do not get to do this! This is my chance at revenge! I get to make fun of you! You're a monster! Wow.
What suddenly put you in the mood? When I opened the fridge, I saw Chicken breasts.
I get it.
Hey.
How was your day at work? Oh.
What got you in the mood? Mmm.
I ate a lot of cake at work today.
I need to work off the calories.
Mmm.
Mmm.
I love it when you celebrate birthdays at work.
And it was an ice cream cake, so we may have to do it twice.
Wait.
Are ice cream cakes really that much more caloric? Yeah, like, 40%.
Really? That seems high.
We should look it up.
Oh! Yeah.
Okay.
Oh.
The TiVo caught up to the live show.
You can't fast-forward through the commercials, huh? I'm in the mood.
Do you really care why? Nope.
Oh.
Oh.
It's back on.