Big Nate (2022) s01e20 Episode Script

1
[alarm ringing]
- Get out of bed, hey hey! ♪
Have a jazzy day! ♪
[snorts]
- Exploding gum.
Check.
Fart spray.
[spray farts]
[sniffs]
Mm, nutty with a hint
of dead skunk.
Check.
Joy buzzer.
[yelps]
Check.
Ooh, hi there,
you handsome jokester.
[growls]
- Mira, Luis!
You're seeing it all wrong.
You can't solve for x using
the Hepworth Conjecture.
- Look here.
This is the zeta function.
- [laughs]
both: Uh
- You guys still going on
about that stupid math problem?
- This stupid math problem,
as you put it,
has the entire mathematics
community stymied.
- Why couldn't you guys
be ghost hunters,
or UFO-ologists
instead of math professors?
- Mijo, math gives you
tools for life.
- Also, math put this
roof over your head.
- Math is the
universal language.
All things boil down to math,
the motion of the planets,
the circuitry in your
video game consoles.
- Solved your lame
math equation.
The waffles are x.
Using the blueberries as
floating variables, of course,
I've established that there can
be 23 possible permutations.
Gotta go!
- Espera!
You didn't factor in
the orange juice.
- Look at the sausage!
Both: Oh.
No!
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today ♪
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play ♪
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay ♪
Detention again ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king ♪
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test ♪
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Big Nate ♪
[crash]
[school bell rings]
- All right, miscreants.
Our paychecks depend on how
you perform on these tests.
So concentrate
or suffer the consequences.
No daydreaming, no cheating,
and absolutely no perspiring!
Any sweat gets onto
your answer sheet,
it goes straight
into the shredder!
Rawr!
[growls]
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!
- Dude, you look tense.
Let Teddy's magic fingers
loosen you up.
- Quit it, Teddy.
[dramatic music]
♪
- [laughing] That's good.
- [shallow breathing]
♪
[gasps]
No.
Thanks, Chad.
- Good timing.
I was craving something salty.
- [whistling]
- Uh
What?
[school bell rings]
- Just keep scratching
until it goes away.
- I've never taken
a standardized test before.
Filling in bubbles
is really fun.
- Personally, I think
standardized tests are useless.
But Francis here has been
studying for it for weeks.
[coughing]
Nerd.
Such a nerd.
- They're not useless.
Those tests can predict
what you're gonna do
for the rest of your life.
- I already know what I'm doing
for the rest of my life
Acting.
And acting is all about being
in touch with your feelings.
There's no such thing
as standardized feelings.
- Yeah, it's just a test, bro.
Calmate, amigo!
[laughs]
- That's easy for you
to say, Teddy.
You're not exactly
the academic type.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- No, no, no.
Hey, it's okay. Ignore it.
You're a goofball.
That's what we all
love about you.
[downbeat music]
- Teddy Square Root Ortiz,
please see me
in my office at once.
- Whoa.
Your middle name is Square Root?
- [laughs] Surprise?
You wanted to see me?
- Huh? Come in, boy.
Take a seat.
Take a seat.
[laughing]
I know your secret, Teddy.
- [gasps]
That I was visited by aliens
last Christmas?
Have they visited you too?
[screaming]
- No, son.
[chuckles]
I'm talking about your
standardized test score.
Mrs. Godfrey just told me
you got 100%.
A perfect score!
Even Gina only got a 92%,
and I'm pretty sure
she's part cyborg.
You know what I'm saying?
- Oh, that.
Yeah, math's always been
pretty easy for me.
I don't make a big deal
out of it or anything.
- Let me ask you something.
Why do you think we give
you kids standardized tests?
- Oh, easy, because you hate us.
- Wrong! ♪
We give you standardized tests
because they generate income
for the school.
I don't know if you're
aware of this, my boy,
but P.S. 38 is broke!
[crash]
Test scores like yours mean
big bonuses for the school.
Oh, and there's more.
[cat meows]
[impact sounds]
The Numberdome!
It's the most competitive
math bowl in the state,
with the biggest cash prize.
Think of it, Teddy.
You can single-handedly
save P.S. 38.
We can get Latin teachers
instead of pig Latin teachers.
- Dog.
Og-day.
Cat.
At-cay.
Owl.
Wil-ow-ay.
Wil-owl-y?
No, that can't be right.
Where's the manual?
- Yeah, I kind of ike-lay things
the way they are right now,
Principal Nichols.
- Oh, that's just your
self-doubt talking.
Just you wait, I'm gonna
make you an academic star.
- Hey, so what'd Nichols want?
- Are you in trouble?
- Nah, I got 100% on
that standardized test.
And now Nichols wants to send
me to some Numberdome thingy.
[laughter]
- You got a what?
You got a 100%?
- Yeah.
Imagine, me going to some
lame math competition!
[laughs]
- I can't.
- [laughs] Exactly.
And that is what makes it
so funny, right?
I mean, am I laughing
at the right thing?
- [whimpers]
- [humming]
Ah.
Ooh, milk.
[dramatic sting]
- We heard from your principal.
- A perfect score? Huh?
- Ah, thanks, guys,
but it's really not a big deal.
- Not a big deal?
Mijo, it's a very big deal!
- We are so proud of you, Teddy.
- Are you proud of me?
[giggles]
- [demonic laugh]
[soft dramatic music]
♪
- Algebra.
[dramatic music]
♪
[farting]
- [sighs]
- If I'm not the smartest kid
in the 6th grade,
then who am I?
- I've called you
all here this morning
because it turns out
I'm not the smart kid
we all thought I was.
- Aww, buddy.
Speak for yourself.
- Ugh, I skipped my morning
monologuing for this.
- Guys, I'm serious.
I think my brain is shrinking.
At the rate
my intelligence is decreasing,
I won't get into college
or med school.
[gasps] I won't become
an epidemiologist.
[gasps, inhaling]
- De-clench Francis, de-clench.
- Why do you think
you're getting stupider
all of a sudden?
- Teddy did better than me
on the standardized test.
In fact, he got a
A perfect score.
- He must have filled in
all the bubbles.
I only got halfway.
- Now Nichols is sending him
into the Numberdome
instead of me.
I've spent my whole life
studying for it.
- I'm just gonna say it.
I don't envy your life, Francis.
- Thanks.
- But hey, we can
make you smarter.
Yep, we'll reverse your
brain rot, no problem.
[school bell rings]
Wow, Zora's finally done it.
She's created a lunch
using literally
no edible ingredients.
- Ugh, it moved.
Please tell me
you guys saw that.
- Teddy, my boy!
How's studying for the
Numberdome coming along, eh?
- Eh, pretty good.
But you know, honey-baked ham
really helps me think.
- Ask and you shall receive.
Zora.
- Ham is brain food,
so is brains.
- Thanks.
- [laughing]
- Um, may I have a slice of ham?
- Did you score 100%
on your test?
- No, but
- Didn't think so.
- Mm.
[laughs]
This is awesome.
- This is terrible!
Why are we doing this?
- Studies have shown that the
best way to retain information
is through stress.
- Focus, maggot!
Who signed the
Magna Carta in 1215?
- Why do male giraffes
kill their young?
Oh, that's so sad.
- This better work!
- In preparation for
the upcoming Numberdome,
I have entered you
in a series of challenges
that will not only prepare
you, but bring P.S. 38
mountains of cash.
[upbeat music]
- 10 years from now
we'll still be on top ♪
Yo, I thought I told you
that we won't stop ♪
[machine chimes]
♪
- You know, if you had just
traded the Shield of Mezgar
for the candle like
the wizard wanted you to,
you could've used the
candle to burn the rope
to open the drawbridge.
- It's fine.
I just have to take out
three more bog people,
and I'm done with this level.
- Yeah, but de-lifing all those
bog people is really gonna
affect your charisma score.
- My charisma score,
off the charts,
if anybody's wondering.
- I'm here to win the game,
not make bog friends.
In fact, I'm going to
de-life that guy over there.
- No, you really don't
want to touch that guy.
- Oh, don't I?
Watch this.
- Bogdar need personal space.
- Hm?
- Yeah, that was
Bogdar the Almighty, bro.
He really doesn't
like to be touched.
- So I suppose you're the expert
in Paths of Bogderia
now too, huh?
- No, man, I was just thinking
- You know, you're not the king
of Bogopolis, you know that?
- No, dude,
that's Bogworth the Just.
- Would you just leave?
- Guys, guys.
All right, look,
it's just a video game.
- No, Nate.
It's more than a video game.
Teddy thinks because he aced
the standardized tests,
he's better than everyone else.
- Oh, ho, ho,
yeah, I knew you were mad
about that stupid test.
I mean, why can't you just
be happy for me, bro?
- You tell me!
You've got all the answers.
- You know what?
I'm leaving.
Oh, and good luck opening
that drawbridge.
- Wait!
No, Teddy. Come on.
- Where do you think
you're going?
- Mrs. Godfrey's.
I have social studies
this period.
- [laughs]
Not anymore, you don't.
Follow me, boy.
See, this room is
officially ready for Teddy.
I've eliminated
all distractions.
From now on, your only job
is to focus like a laser beam
on taking standardized tests
and winning
highly-lucrative
math competitions.
[laughs]
Happy math-ing.
- [sighs]
- [screams] [bird caws]
[laughter]
- Ugh, forget this!
[sneaky music]
Now my classmates will know
when Godfrey's coming.
Oh, how they'll thank me.
- Hmm?
I feel young again!
[cackles]
- Ugh!
- [gasping]
Sweet, beautiful,
bounty of bologna!
- Let me guess, you love it?
- I forgive you for taking
a break from test-taking,
golden goose.
[laughs]
Why the long face?
Need more ham?
- I'm just
I've been thinking that
Maybe I shouldn't compete
in the Numberdome tomorrow.
- What?
That's crazy talk!
- I don't know,
Principal Nichols.
Maybe you have the wrong kid.
- Listen here,
Teddy Square Root Ortiz.
You can make
P.S. 38 proud, son!
And win a little cha-ching
in the process, you feel me?
Nothing wrong with
a little cha-ching.
Little ka-ching,
ka-ching, ching
- I'm sorry Principal Nichols,
but I don't think I can do it.
- Wait, Teddy.
Did I mention
the huge cash prize?
The school band can finally
get real instruments!
- Wah-wah-wah-wah.
- Keep practicing, Luther.
- This is ridiculous.
None of this is working.
The Numberdome is tomorrow.
And I think I'm actually
getting stupider.
- Well, you know,
Francis might have a point.
He just said the answer to
13 times 12 is Cleveland, Ohio.
- No, Chad, we haven't given
him the full treatment yet.
There's still one more
thing we need to try.
- What is he talking about?
- Beats me.
[doorbell rings]
- [laughs] It's here!
[box contents rattle]
- What is that?
- Brace yourselves.
The Brainbot 5000.
- [gasps] Is it a robot,
and can it adopt me?
- It's a super-sophisticated hat
for boosting your brain power
and tactical prowess.
- Tactical prowess?
- Yeah, like Tactistics.
[laughs]
Okay, now,
according to this diagram,
this cable goes
right into your brain.
- [giggles]
[soft music]
[knocking on door]
- Excited for your
big competition tomorrow?
- Uh-huh.
- Then why do you sound like
your old Dreary Davey doll?
- [sad tone]
What's your favorite color?
Mine's Gray.
- I don't know.
At first, it felt cool
to be known as a math star,
but I don't want that
to be all I am.
I miss playing pranks.
I miss my friends.
I miss I miss me.
- You know, you remind me
of another little boy
I once knew.
I think you and he should talk.
- You've caught me at an
interesting time, Teddy.
I've been cocooning,
but I'm about to emerge
as a beautiful butterfly.
- No offense, Uncle Pedro, but
I can't see what's different.
- Oh, it's nothing that
the eye can see, little man.
The change is in here.
Tell me, why have you
come to visit me
on this transformative day?
- My mom thought
I should talk to you
about a problem I'm having.
- Come.
Gallop with me.
[horse neighs]
- Well, it turns out
I'm some kind of big math whiz.
I'm supposed to participate
in this huge math competition
tomorrow, but I
really don't know
if I should go through with it.
- The Numberdome.
- How'd you know
what it was called?
- [grunts]
[chime rings]
- Whoa!
What is all this?
- From ages 12 to 16,
I traveled the globe
competing in math competitions.
I never lost.
They called me
"pequeño poni matematico,"
little math pony.
[horse neighs]
- So you were
a math prodigy too.
- I was on the path to become
the greatest mathematician
the universe has ever seen.
- What? W-what happened?
- I had many interests.
I couldn't be boxed into
just one discipline.
Just because
I like math doesn't mean
I don't like seal herding.
- I think I know what you mean.
Thanks, Uncle Pedro.
- [bellows]
[grunting]
- Clever girl.
There's always one who
refuses to follow the herd.
- Welcome to this year's
Numberdome!
[cheers and applause]
The biggest mathematics
competition in the state.
Three middle schoolers
will enter the Numberdome,
but only one will come out
a math champion,
loved and adored by all,
except for the woodshop kids.
- What are you saying,
we can't count?
- Oh, yeah!
Let's get ready to multiply!
- Come on, golden goose.
Show your feathers.
- First off,
from Jefferson Middle,
we have Copernicus
T. Einstein the Third!
- My trust fund is huge.
- He's not coming.
All right, Wesley,
time for Plan B.
- Next, we have,
from the Rackleff School
for the Mathematically Insane,
Esther Van Krauten!
- [crunching]
- You can do this, Wesley.
They'll never know
you're not a child.
- And lastly, from P.S. 38
- Teddy, thank goodness
you're here.
Phew!
- We have
Teddy Square Root Ortiz!
- Hey, son, we're over here.
Suerte!
- Now, let's start Numberdome!
- Wait!
- There's one more contestant.
- Sorry, kids,
but the competition's full.
[dramatic music]
- [screams] [audience gasps]
- Looks like a seat
just opened up.
- [gasps] Francis?
- Hi, Teddy.
- You are no longer Francis.
You are now Robo Francis,
competing for world domination!
And losing is not an option.
- And what school
are you playing for?
- I am playing for
world domination.
- Okay, must be
a private school.
First question.
A plane leaves
New York at 6:35 PM
traveling 550 miles per hour.
A passenger flying coach
orders coffee
with one sugar cube.
How many molecules
are in that sugar cube?
- [laughs] I wouldn't know.
I only fly first class.
- The average
North American sugar cube,
as determined
by sugar academics,
contains approximately
- 7.42 times 10
to the 21st power.
- Correct.
- Mission failure.
Switching to
enhanced battle mode.
- Where did you get
this thing again?
- Yo, Francis, chill!
We're all friends here.
- Not here to make friends.
Here to win the game.
- Spoken like
a true math champion.
Next question!
How much money
does your dad need to make
if you want to be a coxswain
for an Ivy League crew team?
- [laughs]
That's easy. It's
- Target in sight.
- [screams]
- Francis,
that wasn't very chill.
Your first mistake
was putting me in a box.
I'm not just a math nerd,
or just a goofball,
or just the reason
my mom has headaches.
I'm also a champion.
- Next question!
A ball is thrown by
a school bully in a crowded gym
at 65 miles per hour.
How many nerds does
the ball ricochet off
before the gym teacher
finally pays attention?
- 15.
- Correct!
[toy squeaks, pops]
Next question!
The International Space Station
orbits the Earth
at 5 miles per second.
- [growls]
- When it passes over
as I gaze at the stars,
what number am I thinking of?
- 642.
[display beeps]
- Correct.
Next question.
Grandma has baked
84 raisin cookies
for every holiday for 10 years.
When will grandma learn
that raisins are gross?
- Never.
Grandma never learns.
- Correct.
[ding]
- 76.
- 3.141592.
- One squillion and a half!
- 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.
- Correct.
Correct.
Correct. Correct!
And now, it's down
to the last question.
Whoever gets the answer right
will win his school $15,000.
And the question is,
an aquatic farmer
owns a 32-acre seal farm.
If his herd eats
570 pounds of fish a day,
how many seals
does the farmer own?
- 38 seals.
[buzzer blares]
- Sorry, that is incorrect.
Teddy?
For the win.
- Uh, uh
[dramatic music]
♪
- 39 seals.
One always refuses
to follow the herd.
- That is
correct!
[bell dinging]
[cheers and applause]
- That's my golden goose!
No more sewing dissected frogs
back together for me!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Go, Teddy!
- Aww, I wanted
the robot to win.
- Teddy Ortiz, you have proven
your superior math
and seal knowledge.
Robot kid, you were close,
but it looks like
you just self-destructed
in the end there.
- [shouts]
[whimpers]
What is happening?
- Uh-oh.
- Just wake me when it's over.
- [screams]
- Francis, look at me.
It's Teddy!
Dude.
You need to chill.
- Zero chill remaining!
- It's just a game!
Besides, all these tests
and stuff don't really matter.
You can't base your value
on grades or whatever.
Can't we just be friends again?
I miss you, man!
Remember the good times,
when you were just a nerd
and we'd all laugh at you!
[device beeping]
- [yelping]
[triumphant music]
- [grunts]
- We did it.
- Ah, he'll be fine!
This isn't the first time
I've blown him up.
- [whimpers]
- Sorry, Francis,
but you just have to accept
that you can't always
be the smartest kid
in 6th grade.
- I'm the one who's sorry.
I've been acting like
a total Nate.
- Dude, harsh.
- The truth of the matter is,
I like that you're smart.
Makes things less lonely.
- Hey, wanna quiz each other
on quadratic equations later?
- Really?
You'd wanna do that?
- Nah, hey, but I can show you
how to take down
Bogdar the Almighty.
- Sweet.
- He has emerged
a beautiful butterfly.
Whoo!
[magical music]
♪