Dharma & Greg s01e20 Episode Script

-Hey.
- Hey.
Will you do me a favor? - Watch Mr.
Boots for a couple days? - Where areyou goin'? San Diego, Star Trek convention.
- Since when areyou a "Trekkie"? - I'm not.
I just like middle-age guys who are virgins.
Hey.
What's all this? Uh, we're gonna watch Mr.
Boots forJane.
He gets one scoop of dry in the morning and a can ofwet at night.
- I got it.
You don't mind, doyou, honey? - No, no, of course not.
[Meows .]
Oh, look, Mr.
Boots followed you into the hallway.
Come on in, Mr.
Boots.
Meow.
Wait.
Did she say a whole can ofwet food? Dharma, he's not a cat.
Greg, you'll upset him.
Oh, something upset him a long time ago.
Don't be so judgmental.
He's just chosen another path.
Mr.
Boots, don't tease the doggies.
- Good-bye, Mr.
Boots.
- Dharma, we can't just leave him here.
Would you rather take him to dinnerwith your parents? Well, in a sickway, yes.
Open the window in case he needs to go out.
We're ready.
He can't use the door? Greg, come on, think about it.
Ah, isn't this great? It's just like joining another family.
We are joining anotherfamily.
[ Speaking Foreign Language.]
Uh, hey, Dharma, what's this? We didn't orderyet.
Oh, no, you don't order here.
Theyjust bring you what they thinkyou need.
Which one's chop suey? I want chop suey.
- [ All .]
Chop suey.
- [ Laughing .]
Hey, guys, we should, uh, take Dharma up to the cabin before all the snow melts - so I can teach her to ski.
- Oh, that would be lovely, darling.
- The four of us? - Yes.
- One happily married couple skiing with another happily- - That's the idea.
- Honey, did you set the alarm on the carwhen we came in? - Yeah.
Yeah, you probably did.
I'll just go check.
All right, I cannot keep lying.
You guys have to tell Greg you broke up.
We will tell him when we feel the time is right.
Kitty, the longeryou wait the worse he's gonna freak out.
[ Speaking Foreign Language .]
Freak out.
Kitty, I am not going on some phony-baloney ski trip to Lake Tahoe.
[ Speaking Foreign Language .]
Phony-baloney Lake Tahoe.
Ifiyou don't tell him bythe end ofidinner, I will.
I mean it, Kitty.
[ Speaking Foreign Language .]
Kitty.
- You wouldn't dare.
- End of the meal.
- Don't you threaten me! - Well, then don't put me in the middle ofthis! - [ Speaking Foreign Language.]
- Would you people please just mind your own business? [ Speaking Foreign Language.]
Nice goin', Kitty.
There goes the chop suey.
Mmm! Look, here's the fortune cookies.
Which, Kitty, you may or may not know signifies the end of our Chinese dining experience.
But the beginning ofthe rest of our life together, Dharma.
Let's not forget that.
Okay, then.
Everybody open your fortune cookies.
"You delight others with yourwhimsy.
" - Kitty, what does yours say? - "True wealth is measured in friendships.
" Oh, nonsense.
Greg? "Honey, your parents broke up.
" Wow.
That's pretty amazing.
I can't believe I'm sitting there like an idiot and you've known about this for a week.
- I wanted to tell you.
- Then why didn'tyou? In caseyou haven't noticed, you have a very scary mother.
You still should have told me.
Oh, geez! Get away from me! Honey, he senses thatyou're upset.
He's not sensing anything.
He speaks English.
He's a man! Honey, why don't we talk about what's really bothering you.
You want to know what's bothering me? This is bothering me.
- Come on.
You're out ofhere.
- Greg, I told Jane I'd watch him.
He can watch himself.
Come on, get out.
You can't just do this.
You can't just kick him out ofthe apartment.
Dharma, he's a grown man.
Where areyou going? I'm going to catch him so I don't have to put up posters all over the neighborhood.
Relax.
You're safe.
I like dogs better than ca- He's not a cat.
Come on, Mr.
Boots.
Come on, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Okay.
You know what? Ifyou come down, I'll give you a can of people tuna.
Mmm.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I'm sorry.
I guess I kind oftook this out on you.
It's okay.
It happens.
I-It's weird.
I'm a grown man.
This-This thing with my parents shouldn't be that big a deal.
- But it is, huh? - Yeah.
Meow.
What's he doing up there? Well, I think he climbed too high and he got scared.
Maybe I should call the fire department.
And tell them what? [ Sighs .]
Come on, Mr.
Boots.
Come on kitty guy.
Ifyou get close enough,just grab him by the loose skin on the back ofhis neck.
That was my plan.
Meow.
All right.
Listen to me.
Cut the crap.
Ifyou get out ofthe tree, you can sleep on the couch one night - then I'll giveyou 20 bucks for the "Y" and you're out ofhere.
- [ Hisses .]
Come on, pal, knock it off.
- [ Cracking .]
- Uhh! Who's a pretty kitty? Who wants to come to Daddy? All right, I want to know right now which one ofyou has been eating Mr.
Boots's food.
All right.
We're just gonna have to do this the hard way.
[ Sniffs .]
Oh! Phew! I smell ocean platter.
You are busted, mister.
[Knocking.]
Hello, hello.
Look, I'm not going to apologize for the fortune cookie thing.
No need to apologize.
It was entirely my fault.
I putyou in an untenable position, and I was wrong.
Oh.
- Thankyou.
- Now I would like to make it up toyou.
I thought perhaps the two of us could go and just shop till we drop.
- I don't understand.
- Oh, you know, shopping, gabbing, a couple of gal pals.
- Still don't understand.
- Dharma, don'tyou think Gregorywould like it ifhis lovely bride and his lovely mother became friends? Oh, I get it.
You're sucking up to me so that Greg will be on your side ofthe divorce.
Okay, you got me.
I'm buying, let's go.
- I'm not proud.
I'll get my shoes.
- Okay.
Dharma! Dharma, you know, I thought afterwards what might be nice would be to go to some sort of a health food place and have a-a-a- a fruity smoothie.
[Dharma .]
Oh, that would be great.
We can get some wheat grass too.
Wheat grass? What is wheat grass? - Oh,you'll love it.
It cleans you right out.
- Super.
[ Chuckles .]
Well, hello.
You must be a friend of Dharma's.
Oh.
Oh, my God! Are you all right? Dharma? Dharma, does your friend require some kind of medication? No, he just wants you to scratch his tummy.
I beg your pardon? All my real gal pals scratch his tummy.
Well.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Purring .]
Ahh! This car's incredible! I mean, you don't feel a thing and I'm hitting every pothole I can find.
Yes.
Yes, you are.
Hey, let's heat up the seats and crank up the tunes.
- [ Radio:Jazz .]
- [ Yawns .]
- [ Rock.]
- [ Turns Volume Up .]
Oh, my God! Is there a speaker under my ass? - I wouldn't know.
- Feels like a big old woofer.
[ Turns Off.]
I was wondering how obnoxious I could be beforeyou snapped.
Yes.
Well, snap.
Hmm.
Kitty, doyou still love Edward? I beg your pardon? It's a simple question.
Doyou still love him? Oh, I- I suppose after so manyyears with a person there's a certain familiarity.
- You didn't answerthe question, Kitty.
- [ Sighs .]
It doesn't matter.
There's no passion in our marriage, no fire.
- There used to be though, right? - Oh, a long time ago.
Well, then, I know where we're goin' shoppin'.
Hang on.
[Tires Squealing.]
Oh, Dharma, Dharma, Dharma, Dharma, I don't believe technically this is a road.
Oh, don't worry about it.
You got all kinds of air bags.
[ Radio: Rock.]
How about we take the boat out this weekend? Just the two of us.
We can catch some fish pee in the bay.
Dad, mother sold the boat.
Whywasn't I told? I'm the captain.
You-You don't have to take me fishing.
I'm not- I'm not taking sides in this.
Okay.
I just don't want what's happening between your mother and me to affect our relationship.
It won't.
Relax.
You don't have to do anything special.
Uh, hereyou go.
Um, two tickets to the circus.
Did you guys even try to work this out? What about therapy? I told her to go.
That just seemed to make matters worse.
Did you ever ask what was bothering her? No, no.
I don't like to pry.
Hey, Mr.
M.
So, uh, I heard you played your Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card, huh? - Pete! - Hey, now that you're single maybe the two of us could go out trolling for some fresh "skinooney," huh? Mywife sold the boat.
- Can I have one ofthese? - Pete, don't teach him "skinooney.
" Oh, that "skinooney.
" Dad, listen to me.
You don't want to hang out in singles bars and chase women.
Why not? She dumped me.
Bring on the "skinooney.
" Now slow down there, Mr.
M.
You know, things have changed.
Nowadays you gotta convince a girl you're-you're sensitive and vulnerable.
That's easy for me, 'cause, you know, I'm a Pisces.
- Hello, young lady.
- Oh, hello.
Doyou happen to have change for a million? Now that is sensitive.
Dharma, this is a smut shop.
It's not smut.
- Our sexuality is what makes us human, Kitty.
- Well.
Finally.
Fat-free motion lotion.
- Hey, Lily.
- Well, what a small world.
- Hey! - [Abby.]
Wow! - Hey, lookwho I brought with me.
- Oh, dear God, let the earth just open and swallow me.
- You're here for the sale.
- There's a sale? Yeah, half off on everything edible.
Dharma, how did Greg like the pleasure gloves? Oh, theywere a big hit.
Actually, we popped one.
- Didn'tyours come with a patch kit? - I don't think so.
- I'll go getyou one.
- Okay.
Honey, we've got to get going.
Lar, what's your hurry? We can- Boys and their toys.
- All right.
Well, let's take a look around.
- Oh, please, Dharma.
Ooh! There's something you might enjoy.
What would Edward and I do with that? With that, Edward would be optional.
Moving along.
- Hey, haveyou two ever tried role playing? - I don't follow.
You know, whileyou're doin' it, you pretend that Edward is someone else? Oh, oh, yes.
Well, it's rather difficult to imagine Mikhail Baryshnikov while Edward is humming, "I've Been Working On The Railroad.
" Oh, God, Dharma, there's nothing for me here.
Well, maybe we can get something for Edward.
- What does he like? - I have no idea.
Don'tyou guys talk about this stuff? Dharma, we don't talk about anything.
We see each other for about five minutes a day.
And ifl should dare to bring up our relationship, he just finds some excuse to walk away.
- Well, where does he go? - Oh, the office, the golf course the boat, before I sank it.
You know what, we are in the wrong store.
Hello.
I believe I mentioned that.
Kitty, you got to learn how to communicate with Edward.
Oh, what am I supposed to do, Dharma, tie him to the chair? You could, but it's more fun ifyou cuffhim.
[ Humming: "I've Been Working On The Railroad" .]
- Nice room.
- Yeah.
You know, I've been with the same woman for a very long time.
Oh, well, I'm- I'm a little nervous myself.
But here we are.
Uh, hold the phone, young lady.
Why? What's wrong? I- I don't think I can do this.
I- I think I still have feelings for mywife.
I understand.
Vincent, get in here.
Oh, I- I hopeyou're planning on robbing me.
- I can't believe my father left with that woman.
- Yeah, I know.
I mean, the old trout's back in the pond for five minutes and he scores.
Pete, he's not scoring.
He's probablyjust talking to her.
[Pete .]
Oh,yeah, probably, huh? Hey, Greg,you do realize you're playing with a guy.
Yeah, but he likes it.
Hey, where you been? Oh, hey.
Uh, I took your mom to the dirty store.
For what? You might want to reconsider that question 'cause you know I'll tell you.
- [Phone Rings .]
- Hey, Greg, how long do these batteries last? Pete, that's- that's mean.
- Sorry.
- Hello? Dad.
Where are you? Ah, gee, are you okay? Should I call the police? Okay.
All right, all right.
Look, I'll, uh- I'll be right there.
- What's goin' on? - Well, there's no prettyway to say this but my father picked up a woman who robbed him and left him tied to a bed in a hotel room.
Hey, buddy, take it easy on him.
It can be pretty upsetting the first time.
- I'll be right back.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Dharma, my father's tied up in a hotel room.
I know.
Is this a wild universe orwhat? Now ifyou're unhappy about something, don't just sulk and go offand clean your guns.
It's not helpful, and it doesn't scare me.
Kitty, I can't feel my toes.
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
Now, about our sex life.
How doyou think we might improve it? Well, once in a while, we could have sex.
All right, fair enough.
- Now, about the humming- - You want me to hum? Edward, you do hum.
- Then what's the problem? - [ Sighs .]
You've had enough bologna, mister.
- Meow.
- All right.
One more piece.
- Hey.
- [Dharma .]
Hey,you're back.
This is Dave.
He picked me up at the Dilithium Crystal Ball.
Right back atyou, Dave.
Go back to my place and take your clothes off.
Leave the ears on.
- So how'd it go with Mr.
Boots? - Oh, he was no trouble at all.
I, uh- I bought him this.
Wow, thanks.
He likes when you wiggle it.
Okay.
Got it.
I'll come back later and pick up the rest ofhis stuff.
Bye, Mr.
Boots.
Come back and visit.
Bye, Boots.
- Areyour eyes tearing up? - No, no.
It's just the, uh, allergies from the cat.
- Honey, he's not- - I know that.
- Okay.
- I'm not crazy.
I said okay.
Dharma, the dogs are real, right? Stinky is.
It's 4 to 6 Foot!