Dr Ken (2015) s01e20 Episode Script
Dave's Sex Talk
Okay, Dave, as a doctor, I've got an unfair advantage in this game because I'm a master of medical [Buzzes.]
Dang it! It's okay, Dad.
I like playing Operation with you.
I finally get to know what victory tastes like.
Here we go funny bone.
Gets me every time.
Maybe 'cause you don't have one.
Everyone has a funny bone, Dave Except Scandinavians.
[Both laughing.]
You're hilarious, Dad.
I know.
[Chuckles.]
[Exhales deeply.]
Dad, is sex just for making a baby? [Buzzing.]
Oh, sorry, buddy.
I couldn't hear you.
You know, I'm focused on the game.
- Is sex - [Buzzing.]
Is sex just for making a baby?! Well, son, the thing about that is, there's birds, bees [Imitating snoring.]
[Snoring continues.]
Man, if I hadn't whipped out the old "pretend to be asleep" trick, there's no telling where that conversation would've gone.
It might've gone to you having the sex talk with your son.
Why didn't you do it? [Imitating snoring.]
It didn't work during couple's therapy, and it's not working now.
I just don't think Dave's ready for that stuff.
If he's old enough to ask the questions, he's old enough to hear the answers.
Plus, you promised you'd do it.
You know I need to work up to things! Yeah, I know.
You still haven't taken down the Christmas lights, and it's almost April.
I don't let a calendar rule my life, Allison.
I'm not a Mayan.
Besides, I'm not the only one that's shirking.
You are supposed to give Molly the sex talk.
And I did six years ago.
Really? How'd it go? Awkward but informative.
Do you want me to give Dave the talk? - Yes.
- No.
Fine.
I'll teach the boy about the horizontal arts.
Puke.
And, in the spirit of things you said you'd do, maybe take down the Christmas lights.
Oh, and what about getting the brakes replaced in my car? When'd you ask me to do that? Like, a year ago.
The warning light's been on so long, the bulb blew out.
Or did the brakes fix themselves, like I said might happen? [Cellphone dings.]
Oh, snap! The Rutledges can't use their tickets to the Doobie Brothers concert tonight! - [Gasps.]
- What do you say? - You up for takin' it to the streets? - [Laughs.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Let's listen to the music! - Unh! Okay, I don't know what's happening, but I know it's dorky and forced.
Besides, Taylor's mom is taking us to SAT prep tonight, so FYI, I can't watch Dave.
Hmm.
Think you can find a sitter? Or you could.
- Fine.
I'll get a babysitter - Mm.
And tell Dave about sex and get your warning light fixed.
It's not the brake warning light that's the issue.
Yeah, it'll fix itself like the brakes did.
[Door opens, closes.]
New sweater? Yeah.
What do you think? [Inhales deeply.]
Have a good day, Mom.
Wait.
What's wrong with my sweater? [Sighs.]
Here's the thing.
You've really been dressing like a mom lately, and I mean like a mom-mom, not like a Jessica Alba mom.
What are you talking about? It seems like some moms hit a point where they start prioritizing comfort over style.
Symptoms include boxy sweaters, drawstring pants, clogs, and so, so much linen.
Come on, Mom, I'll take you shopping.
This is a cry for help.
But I heard it.
Hey, I like my look.
I saw this scarf in a magazine, thank you very much.
Which magazine? "Giving Up.
" It's a yoga magazine about giving yourself up to the practice! Don't take it out of con No, Mrs.
Pancake.
I just wanted to see if you could babysit.
No, please don't give me your social security number.
[Stutters.]
Okay, hanging up now.
What's going on? Well, good news I think I just sold my elderly neighbor a reverse mortgage.
Bad news she was my last hope at getting a sitter for tonight.
Oh, I could watch Dave.
I love kids.
- You don't have plans? - No.
But thanks for pretending like you thought I might.
- You're welcome.
- [Chuckles.]
At lunch, do you guys think you could help me with my online dating profile? I am attracting the wrong matches.
What does your profile say now? - "Smart, fun gal" - Mm-hmm.
"seeks rock-hard guy who can stay up all night.
Must not mind sharing a bed with my two best friends, Marissa and Karen.
" What? I want a solid, stable guy who likes to stay up late talking and playing with my cats.
Yeah, that's not coming across.
Ooh, maybe I should come up with a different word for "cats.
" - No! - No! Listen, girl, I would love to stay and help, but I'm having lunch - with my dreamboat B.
F.
- Oh.
- Story checks out.
- [Gasps.]
Mwah! You guys are too cute.
I mean that literally.
Dial it down.
This is a place of business, and, yeah, I know Damona and I boned a bunch of times, but that was different.
I'm the boss.
So, where are you two going for lunch? - [Sighs.]
- Mm, I don't know.
- What do you feel like, hon? - Oh, I don't care.
You pick something.
Well, I want whatever you want, - so we're back to you.
- Well, you pick.
- You.
No, you pick.
- No, I can't pick.
- You do it.
- You do it.
Oh, oh, all right.
- Tie.
- No tie here.
- You win! Let's go.
- [Chuckles.]
- All right, bye, guys.
Nice to see you.
- Yeah, and listen, I'm sorry you guys had to witness our fight.
[Doorbell rings.]
Oh, hey! You must be Taylor's mom.
Come on in.
I'm Allison.
I'm Grace.
Nice to meet you.
Molly will be down in a second.
Thanks for taking the girls to class.
Please, don't thank me.
With the other five at home, any excuse to get out of the house.
I'm sorry.
I'm a bit of a mess today.
I haven't had a shower since the weekend.
Got any wine? Oh, I Oh, look! We're sweater twins! Hey, how about that? Sweater twins! Oh, and great clogs.
I live in clogs.
I love not having laces to deal with.
Bending over's the worst! Yeah, bending over is pretty terrible.
All right, you guys, have fun.
[Singsong voice.]
Okay! [Normal voice.]
See you later Mom.
And make sure he's in bed by 10:00.
Do I have to go to bed by 10:00? It might be tough to squeeze in all our activities.
I brought math flashcards and a terrarium-making kit.
Do I have to stay up till 10:00? Aww, you! We're gonna have a ball! I'm so sorry.
Okay! We should head out.
Have fun, you two.
[Laughs.]
Oh, my God, hilarious! You almost wore that old throw blanket out of the house! [Laughs.]
It's a shawl-sweater.
Ooh, it's stunning! - [Door closes.]
- Okay.
What should we do first? - Hey, what's wrong with you? - Oh, hi.
I-I just got this text from Connor, saying that he's coming by because "we need to talk.
" - So? - So, obviously, he's breaking up with me! Or maybe he misses your beautiful face.
No, I don't think that's it because I texted him, "Is it because you miss my beautiful face?" And then he texted me back, "No!" Well, either way, I'm sure it's nothing, Clark.
Yeah, listen to Damona.
She's a very wise woman, and she's never wrong.
- Thank you, Pat.
- [Chuckles.]
You're doomed.
Whoa, what's wrong with you?! I was babysitting for Dr.
Ken, and I really screwed up.
Let me guess.
There was an unmarked pill bottle, and you accidentally took a bunch of Dr.
Ken's growth hormones? Well, don't worry about it.
They're obviously ineffective.
No, I gave Dave the sex talk.
What?! Why?! [Sighs.]
He started asking me all these questions, one after another.
I thought it was only a few minutes, but then I looked at my phone, and it had been two hours.
Two hours? The sex talk my dad gave me lasted 25 cents.
As soon as that was used up, the curtain came down, and that was that.
Girl, what were you thinking? Ugh, I don't know! Once I start talking, I mean, I'm just a very oral person.
That is not a bad thing.
You wouldn't believe how many people responded to that on my dating profile.
Take me shopping.
Oh, I would, Mom, but Linen On The Edge went out of business six years ago.
I'm serious.
Taylor's mom was a real wake-up call Not to mention the 300 other moms I saw at the Doobie Brothers show.
Also one of the Doobie Brothers was wearing my scarf.
Are you ready for people to be able to tell what gender you are from more than 20 feet away? I am.
Congratulations.
The hardest part is over.
Just be warned, whatever you wear to the store ain't coming home, so you can kiss that sexy little burnt pumpkin number goodbye.
Hey, Mom, just wanted you to know, I'm all up to speed on sex stuff now.
Way to not be weird about it.
Hey! You finally did it! Yep.
What'd I do? Dave said he knows all about sex.
Oh.
Right.
Yep.
I did it.
At first [As Dana Carvey.]
not gonna do it, [As George Bush .]
but I did.
- [Chuckles.]
- Wow.
I'm so proud.
Way to dad up! [Door closes.]
[Normal voice.]
Dave, how did you learn about sex? From Julie.
She lectured me for about an hour, followed by a spirited Q&A.
I mean, why does he want to break up with me?! Look - you've only got one option here - [Sighs.]
a PEB.
- A what? - A preemptive breakup.
Yeah.
When you think someone's gonna dump you, - you beat them to the punch.
- Hmm.
Take control of the narrative, as in, "Hey, did you hear Clark dumped that fella? He is not to be trifled with.
" That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! "Preemptive breakup"? What if Connor doesn't want to break up with you? No.
He does.
I know it.
I've been on the business end of too many "we need to talk" talks.
The PEB is the way to go.
Thank you, Pat.
You're welcome.
So this is what it feels like to help people.
I don't care for it.
Julie, we need to talk.
Will everyone please stop saying that?! Dr.
Ken, I am so sorry.
I've already packed my things.
Somebody take good care of Plant! Oh, no, I'm not mad.
You did me a solid.
I've been dreading having that conversation with Dave.
Really? Oh, but what about Allison? Is she mad at me? Oh, she doesn't know.
She assumed I gave Dave the sex talk, and I did not correct her.
She hates being corrected, and I hate being caught.
Oh, God, I'm so relieved! I mean, she would've been hella pissed, but don't worry.
I would never put you in the path of that Mama Bear.
[Cellphone buzzing.]
Oh.
Hey, Allison.
I just got a call from Principal Michaels.
Apparently, there's an issue with Dave talking to his classmates about sex.
Well, that was bound to happen.
I was the same way.
When I learned about sex, I wouldn't shut up about it.
[Chuckles.]
Ask any of my med-school friends.
Okay, that's sad, but it's not the issue.
The problem is, apparently, he's wrong about things Like, really wrong.
What did you tell him? I didn't tell Dave anything! It was Julie! [Stutters.]
You didn't have to come all the way here.
Oh, no, I wanted to.
I'm just so sorry.
I-I didn't plan to talk to Dave about sex.
I even tried to distract him with a baking soda volcano, but the eruption led to more questions.
I know how persistent Dave can be when he's curious.
We once drove 200 miles to the Museum of Scones.
Yeah.
It's a huge racket.
They don't sell jam.
You can't bring your own.
What I don't understand is how Dave got the information so mixed up.
Yeah, he thought foreplay was sex with three other people.
[Laughs.]
Wait, do you think that? Not anymore.
There were just so many questions coming at me, and I-I got nervous and panicked, and I started mixing things up and forgetting things.
It's okay.
You're not the only person that's forgotten about foreplay.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you liked having more time to read.
Okay, thank you for coming over.
We appreciate it.
I'm just gonna make a hard and fast rule not to talk to children about sex from now on.
Good rule.
[Chuckles.]
- [Door closes.]
- Man, can you believe her? What a mess she made! Oh, really? So this is Julie's fault? Well, it's not mine.
If you recall, I'm the one who said Molly should give him the talk.
If you had done your job as a parent, he never would've needed to ask Julie.
Wow, I didn't think about it [Laughing.]
Why are you dressed like the Hamburglar's naughty daughter?! [Laughs.]
Oh, come on! I'm sorry! Oh, come on! No, no, I didn't mean that! I shouldn't have shirked my responsibility! [Laughs.]
Hey.
Hey.
Did you, uh, get my text? [Pen taps.]
I did.
Uh, so, should we go somewhere and, uh I'm breaking up with you! Attaboy! I'm sorry.
What? And you know what? It is your loss! I don't even like Thai food, but I eat it with you all the time! I even go so far as to make adorable puns about it! But you know what, if that is not enough for you, well, then you can Thai me a river! Oh, God, were you not coming here to break up with me? [Sighs.]
You know what? Forget what I said.
Want to grab dinner? Hey, how about Thai? Mmm! Clark, Clark, Clark, Clark! [Sighs.]
I actually did come here to break up with you.
Aha! The plot maintains its exact thickness! See, I knew you were going to, so that's why I broke up with you, but God, I don't want to.
I don't want to either.
Then why?! I don't know! When we first started dating, you were this hot-blooded nurse who knew exactly what he wanted.
And now you've become a kind of pushover who just wants to do whatever I want to do.
Yeah, but that's just It's because I like you so much that I'm scared I'm gonna screw this up.
You won't if you're yourself.
I'm not gonna dump you because you hate Thai food.
I'm not a monster.
In my defense, a guy did once break up with me because instead of "cashew," I say, "ca-shew!" I'm just as scared of screwing this up as you are.
We have to just be ourselves and hope that that's enough.
God, you're more than enough.
So are you.
Aww! Come on, let's get out of here.
I have a few more opinions to fill you in on, starting with this jacket.
- [Chuckles.]
Yikes.
- Have a good night.
- Don't pander to them.
- Okay.
Ah good old PEB.
- Works every time.
- No, it doesn't.
Yeah? Well, it worked on you.
Yeah.
I got wind of the fact you were gonna dump me, and I beat you to the punch.
Oh.
You thought I was gonna break up with you? Hmm.
Interesting.
Well you were, weren't you? Maybe.
Well, you know, it doesn't matter.
Point is, you never got closure, so you're still intrigued.
[Scoffs.]
Ha! I am not! No? [Chuckles.]
Well, you want to go get dinner, followed by an erotic re-awakening? - [Sighs.]
Damn it, I do.
- [Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
I can't resist your sneaky ass.
[Door opens.]
Hey, Al, I took the Christmas lights down.
I also got your brakes fixed.
Admittedly, I may have waited a little long on that one.
I couldn't stop when I pulled into Arturo's Came in kind of hot.
Unrelated, you also got a new bumper.
Well, that almost makes up for delegating our son's sexual education to someone who thought heavy petting was what you do to an overweight house cat.
Well, just so you know, there's a reason I never gave Dave the talk.
Yeah.
You're terrified of awkward conversations, which is strange because you create them on a daily basis.
Look, the thing is, Dave's still my little buddy.
He's just an innocent kid, getting his butt kicked by his dad in Operation.
I know you lost.
Technically, we never finished, but that's not what's important here.
Look, once he knows all about adult stuff, he'll eventually stop being my little boy, and I'm just not ready for him to grow up yet.
Okay.
I get that.
But part of being a parent is putting aside your own issues and being there for your kids when they need you.
You're right, Al.
All right, I'll give him the talk.
You know, being a parent sucks.
[Chuckles.]
It sucks so bad.
[Laughs.]
[Knock on door.]
Mom?! What happened?! You're back in beige! Well, in the 20 minutes it took me to get into that skirt, I had some time to think.
And I realized, while I needed a change, this stuff just isn't me.
I don't want my feet to bleed on a Monday.
I guess that's where we're different.
So what are you gonna do with all the things we bought? I'll just return them.
Good call.
- [Gasps.]
Wait a minute! - Hmm? You know what, Mom? What if you just gave all that stuff to me? You'd do that for me?! We're family.
Well, here you go.
I'm just so glad that all worked out! Mm, you're welcome.
Dude, I think you just got played.
[Sarcastically.]
Uh, really? You knew? Then why did you even give Because she won't always be interested in manipulating her mother for free clothes.
Huh.
I guess Dave's not the only one growing up too fast.
We need to enjoy these moments while we can.
You're right.
Speaking of enjoying moments maybe you and I should have the sex talk first, you know, just to work out any kinks.
Or to work - in some kinks - [Laughs.]
if you know what I sayin'.
I know what you sayin'.
[Both laugh.]
Actually, can we skip the foreplay? I just hurt my back - just doing this whole thing.
- Yep.
And because these activities take place beforehand, it's called "foreplay.
" - Get it? - Got it.
Thanks for telling me all this stuff, Dad.
You're welcome, buddy.
Yeah, thank you, Dr.
Park.
This has been super informative.
Like, a real eye-opener.
Hey, is it okay if I call you if I have any more questions? Any time.
I think I have a good handle on it.
Well, I've got to get home to the cats.
I've got a night of heavy petting ahead of me.
[Both sigh.]
Dang it! It's okay, Dad.
I like playing Operation with you.
I finally get to know what victory tastes like.
Here we go funny bone.
Gets me every time.
Maybe 'cause you don't have one.
Everyone has a funny bone, Dave Except Scandinavians.
[Both laughing.]
You're hilarious, Dad.
I know.
[Chuckles.]
[Exhales deeply.]
Dad, is sex just for making a baby? [Buzzing.]
Oh, sorry, buddy.
I couldn't hear you.
You know, I'm focused on the game.
- Is sex - [Buzzing.]
Is sex just for making a baby?! Well, son, the thing about that is, there's birds, bees [Imitating snoring.]
[Snoring continues.]
Man, if I hadn't whipped out the old "pretend to be asleep" trick, there's no telling where that conversation would've gone.
It might've gone to you having the sex talk with your son.
Why didn't you do it? [Imitating snoring.]
It didn't work during couple's therapy, and it's not working now.
I just don't think Dave's ready for that stuff.
If he's old enough to ask the questions, he's old enough to hear the answers.
Plus, you promised you'd do it.
You know I need to work up to things! Yeah, I know.
You still haven't taken down the Christmas lights, and it's almost April.
I don't let a calendar rule my life, Allison.
I'm not a Mayan.
Besides, I'm not the only one that's shirking.
You are supposed to give Molly the sex talk.
And I did six years ago.
Really? How'd it go? Awkward but informative.
Do you want me to give Dave the talk? - Yes.
- No.
Fine.
I'll teach the boy about the horizontal arts.
Puke.
And, in the spirit of things you said you'd do, maybe take down the Christmas lights.
Oh, and what about getting the brakes replaced in my car? When'd you ask me to do that? Like, a year ago.
The warning light's been on so long, the bulb blew out.
Or did the brakes fix themselves, like I said might happen? [Cellphone dings.]
Oh, snap! The Rutledges can't use their tickets to the Doobie Brothers concert tonight! - [Gasps.]
- What do you say? - You up for takin' it to the streets? - [Laughs.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Let's listen to the music! - Unh! Okay, I don't know what's happening, but I know it's dorky and forced.
Besides, Taylor's mom is taking us to SAT prep tonight, so FYI, I can't watch Dave.
Hmm.
Think you can find a sitter? Or you could.
- Fine.
I'll get a babysitter - Mm.
And tell Dave about sex and get your warning light fixed.
It's not the brake warning light that's the issue.
Yeah, it'll fix itself like the brakes did.
[Door opens, closes.]
New sweater? Yeah.
What do you think? [Inhales deeply.]
Have a good day, Mom.
Wait.
What's wrong with my sweater? [Sighs.]
Here's the thing.
You've really been dressing like a mom lately, and I mean like a mom-mom, not like a Jessica Alba mom.
What are you talking about? It seems like some moms hit a point where they start prioritizing comfort over style.
Symptoms include boxy sweaters, drawstring pants, clogs, and so, so much linen.
Come on, Mom, I'll take you shopping.
This is a cry for help.
But I heard it.
Hey, I like my look.
I saw this scarf in a magazine, thank you very much.
Which magazine? "Giving Up.
" It's a yoga magazine about giving yourself up to the practice! Don't take it out of con No, Mrs.
Pancake.
I just wanted to see if you could babysit.
No, please don't give me your social security number.
[Stutters.]
Okay, hanging up now.
What's going on? Well, good news I think I just sold my elderly neighbor a reverse mortgage.
Bad news she was my last hope at getting a sitter for tonight.
Oh, I could watch Dave.
I love kids.
- You don't have plans? - No.
But thanks for pretending like you thought I might.
- You're welcome.
- [Chuckles.]
At lunch, do you guys think you could help me with my online dating profile? I am attracting the wrong matches.
What does your profile say now? - "Smart, fun gal" - Mm-hmm.
"seeks rock-hard guy who can stay up all night.
Must not mind sharing a bed with my two best friends, Marissa and Karen.
" What? I want a solid, stable guy who likes to stay up late talking and playing with my cats.
Yeah, that's not coming across.
Ooh, maybe I should come up with a different word for "cats.
" - No! - No! Listen, girl, I would love to stay and help, but I'm having lunch - with my dreamboat B.
F.
- Oh.
- Story checks out.
- [Gasps.]
Mwah! You guys are too cute.
I mean that literally.
Dial it down.
This is a place of business, and, yeah, I know Damona and I boned a bunch of times, but that was different.
I'm the boss.
So, where are you two going for lunch? - [Sighs.]
- Mm, I don't know.
- What do you feel like, hon? - Oh, I don't care.
You pick something.
Well, I want whatever you want, - so we're back to you.
- Well, you pick.
- You.
No, you pick.
- No, I can't pick.
- You do it.
- You do it.
Oh, oh, all right.
- Tie.
- No tie here.
- You win! Let's go.
- [Chuckles.]
- All right, bye, guys.
Nice to see you.
- Yeah, and listen, I'm sorry you guys had to witness our fight.
[Doorbell rings.]
Oh, hey! You must be Taylor's mom.
Come on in.
I'm Allison.
I'm Grace.
Nice to meet you.
Molly will be down in a second.
Thanks for taking the girls to class.
Please, don't thank me.
With the other five at home, any excuse to get out of the house.
I'm sorry.
I'm a bit of a mess today.
I haven't had a shower since the weekend.
Got any wine? Oh, I Oh, look! We're sweater twins! Hey, how about that? Sweater twins! Oh, and great clogs.
I live in clogs.
I love not having laces to deal with.
Bending over's the worst! Yeah, bending over is pretty terrible.
All right, you guys, have fun.
[Singsong voice.]
Okay! [Normal voice.]
See you later Mom.
And make sure he's in bed by 10:00.
Do I have to go to bed by 10:00? It might be tough to squeeze in all our activities.
I brought math flashcards and a terrarium-making kit.
Do I have to stay up till 10:00? Aww, you! We're gonna have a ball! I'm so sorry.
Okay! We should head out.
Have fun, you two.
[Laughs.]
Oh, my God, hilarious! You almost wore that old throw blanket out of the house! [Laughs.]
It's a shawl-sweater.
Ooh, it's stunning! - [Door closes.]
- Okay.
What should we do first? - Hey, what's wrong with you? - Oh, hi.
I-I just got this text from Connor, saying that he's coming by because "we need to talk.
" - So? - So, obviously, he's breaking up with me! Or maybe he misses your beautiful face.
No, I don't think that's it because I texted him, "Is it because you miss my beautiful face?" And then he texted me back, "No!" Well, either way, I'm sure it's nothing, Clark.
Yeah, listen to Damona.
She's a very wise woman, and she's never wrong.
- Thank you, Pat.
- [Chuckles.]
You're doomed.
Whoa, what's wrong with you?! I was babysitting for Dr.
Ken, and I really screwed up.
Let me guess.
There was an unmarked pill bottle, and you accidentally took a bunch of Dr.
Ken's growth hormones? Well, don't worry about it.
They're obviously ineffective.
No, I gave Dave the sex talk.
What?! Why?! [Sighs.]
He started asking me all these questions, one after another.
I thought it was only a few minutes, but then I looked at my phone, and it had been two hours.
Two hours? The sex talk my dad gave me lasted 25 cents.
As soon as that was used up, the curtain came down, and that was that.
Girl, what were you thinking? Ugh, I don't know! Once I start talking, I mean, I'm just a very oral person.
That is not a bad thing.
You wouldn't believe how many people responded to that on my dating profile.
Take me shopping.
Oh, I would, Mom, but Linen On The Edge went out of business six years ago.
I'm serious.
Taylor's mom was a real wake-up call Not to mention the 300 other moms I saw at the Doobie Brothers show.
Also one of the Doobie Brothers was wearing my scarf.
Are you ready for people to be able to tell what gender you are from more than 20 feet away? I am.
Congratulations.
The hardest part is over.
Just be warned, whatever you wear to the store ain't coming home, so you can kiss that sexy little burnt pumpkin number goodbye.
Hey, Mom, just wanted you to know, I'm all up to speed on sex stuff now.
Way to not be weird about it.
Hey! You finally did it! Yep.
What'd I do? Dave said he knows all about sex.
Oh.
Right.
Yep.
I did it.
At first [As Dana Carvey.]
not gonna do it, [As George Bush .]
but I did.
- [Chuckles.]
- Wow.
I'm so proud.
Way to dad up! [Door closes.]
[Normal voice.]
Dave, how did you learn about sex? From Julie.
She lectured me for about an hour, followed by a spirited Q&A.
I mean, why does he want to break up with me?! Look - you've only got one option here - [Sighs.]
a PEB.
- A what? - A preemptive breakup.
Yeah.
When you think someone's gonna dump you, - you beat them to the punch.
- Hmm.
Take control of the narrative, as in, "Hey, did you hear Clark dumped that fella? He is not to be trifled with.
" That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! "Preemptive breakup"? What if Connor doesn't want to break up with you? No.
He does.
I know it.
I've been on the business end of too many "we need to talk" talks.
The PEB is the way to go.
Thank you, Pat.
You're welcome.
So this is what it feels like to help people.
I don't care for it.
Julie, we need to talk.
Will everyone please stop saying that?! Dr.
Ken, I am so sorry.
I've already packed my things.
Somebody take good care of Plant! Oh, no, I'm not mad.
You did me a solid.
I've been dreading having that conversation with Dave.
Really? Oh, but what about Allison? Is she mad at me? Oh, she doesn't know.
She assumed I gave Dave the sex talk, and I did not correct her.
She hates being corrected, and I hate being caught.
Oh, God, I'm so relieved! I mean, she would've been hella pissed, but don't worry.
I would never put you in the path of that Mama Bear.
[Cellphone buzzing.]
Oh.
Hey, Allison.
I just got a call from Principal Michaels.
Apparently, there's an issue with Dave talking to his classmates about sex.
Well, that was bound to happen.
I was the same way.
When I learned about sex, I wouldn't shut up about it.
[Chuckles.]
Ask any of my med-school friends.
Okay, that's sad, but it's not the issue.
The problem is, apparently, he's wrong about things Like, really wrong.
What did you tell him? I didn't tell Dave anything! It was Julie! [Stutters.]
You didn't have to come all the way here.
Oh, no, I wanted to.
I'm just so sorry.
I-I didn't plan to talk to Dave about sex.
I even tried to distract him with a baking soda volcano, but the eruption led to more questions.
I know how persistent Dave can be when he's curious.
We once drove 200 miles to the Museum of Scones.
Yeah.
It's a huge racket.
They don't sell jam.
You can't bring your own.
What I don't understand is how Dave got the information so mixed up.
Yeah, he thought foreplay was sex with three other people.
[Laughs.]
Wait, do you think that? Not anymore.
There were just so many questions coming at me, and I-I got nervous and panicked, and I started mixing things up and forgetting things.
It's okay.
You're not the only person that's forgotten about foreplay.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you liked having more time to read.
Okay, thank you for coming over.
We appreciate it.
I'm just gonna make a hard and fast rule not to talk to children about sex from now on.
Good rule.
[Chuckles.]
- [Door closes.]
- Man, can you believe her? What a mess she made! Oh, really? So this is Julie's fault? Well, it's not mine.
If you recall, I'm the one who said Molly should give him the talk.
If you had done your job as a parent, he never would've needed to ask Julie.
Wow, I didn't think about it [Laughing.]
Why are you dressed like the Hamburglar's naughty daughter?! [Laughs.]
Oh, come on! I'm sorry! Oh, come on! No, no, I didn't mean that! I shouldn't have shirked my responsibility! [Laughs.]
Hey.
Hey.
Did you, uh, get my text? [Pen taps.]
I did.
Uh, so, should we go somewhere and, uh I'm breaking up with you! Attaboy! I'm sorry.
What? And you know what? It is your loss! I don't even like Thai food, but I eat it with you all the time! I even go so far as to make adorable puns about it! But you know what, if that is not enough for you, well, then you can Thai me a river! Oh, God, were you not coming here to break up with me? [Sighs.]
You know what? Forget what I said.
Want to grab dinner? Hey, how about Thai? Mmm! Clark, Clark, Clark, Clark! [Sighs.]
I actually did come here to break up with you.
Aha! The plot maintains its exact thickness! See, I knew you were going to, so that's why I broke up with you, but God, I don't want to.
I don't want to either.
Then why?! I don't know! When we first started dating, you were this hot-blooded nurse who knew exactly what he wanted.
And now you've become a kind of pushover who just wants to do whatever I want to do.
Yeah, but that's just It's because I like you so much that I'm scared I'm gonna screw this up.
You won't if you're yourself.
I'm not gonna dump you because you hate Thai food.
I'm not a monster.
In my defense, a guy did once break up with me because instead of "cashew," I say, "ca-shew!" I'm just as scared of screwing this up as you are.
We have to just be ourselves and hope that that's enough.
God, you're more than enough.
So are you.
Aww! Come on, let's get out of here.
I have a few more opinions to fill you in on, starting with this jacket.
- [Chuckles.]
Yikes.
- Have a good night.
- Don't pander to them.
- Okay.
Ah good old PEB.
- Works every time.
- No, it doesn't.
Yeah? Well, it worked on you.
Yeah.
I got wind of the fact you were gonna dump me, and I beat you to the punch.
Oh.
You thought I was gonna break up with you? Hmm.
Interesting.
Well you were, weren't you? Maybe.
Well, you know, it doesn't matter.
Point is, you never got closure, so you're still intrigued.
[Scoffs.]
Ha! I am not! No? [Chuckles.]
Well, you want to go get dinner, followed by an erotic re-awakening? - [Sighs.]
Damn it, I do.
- [Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
I can't resist your sneaky ass.
[Door opens.]
Hey, Al, I took the Christmas lights down.
I also got your brakes fixed.
Admittedly, I may have waited a little long on that one.
I couldn't stop when I pulled into Arturo's Came in kind of hot.
Unrelated, you also got a new bumper.
Well, that almost makes up for delegating our son's sexual education to someone who thought heavy petting was what you do to an overweight house cat.
Well, just so you know, there's a reason I never gave Dave the talk.
Yeah.
You're terrified of awkward conversations, which is strange because you create them on a daily basis.
Look, the thing is, Dave's still my little buddy.
He's just an innocent kid, getting his butt kicked by his dad in Operation.
I know you lost.
Technically, we never finished, but that's not what's important here.
Look, once he knows all about adult stuff, he'll eventually stop being my little boy, and I'm just not ready for him to grow up yet.
Okay.
I get that.
But part of being a parent is putting aside your own issues and being there for your kids when they need you.
You're right, Al.
All right, I'll give him the talk.
You know, being a parent sucks.
[Chuckles.]
It sucks so bad.
[Laughs.]
[Knock on door.]
Mom?! What happened?! You're back in beige! Well, in the 20 minutes it took me to get into that skirt, I had some time to think.
And I realized, while I needed a change, this stuff just isn't me.
I don't want my feet to bleed on a Monday.
I guess that's where we're different.
So what are you gonna do with all the things we bought? I'll just return them.
Good call.
- [Gasps.]
Wait a minute! - Hmm? You know what, Mom? What if you just gave all that stuff to me? You'd do that for me?! We're family.
Well, here you go.
I'm just so glad that all worked out! Mm, you're welcome.
Dude, I think you just got played.
[Sarcastically.]
Uh, really? You knew? Then why did you even give Because she won't always be interested in manipulating her mother for free clothes.
Huh.
I guess Dave's not the only one growing up too fast.
We need to enjoy these moments while we can.
You're right.
Speaking of enjoying moments maybe you and I should have the sex talk first, you know, just to work out any kinks.
Or to work - in some kinks - [Laughs.]
if you know what I sayin'.
I know what you sayin'.
[Both laugh.]
Actually, can we skip the foreplay? I just hurt my back - just doing this whole thing.
- Yep.
And because these activities take place beforehand, it's called "foreplay.
" - Get it? - Got it.
Thanks for telling me all this stuff, Dad.
You're welcome, buddy.
Yeah, thank you, Dr.
Park.
This has been super informative.
Like, a real eye-opener.
Hey, is it okay if I call you if I have any more questions? Any time.
I think I have a good handle on it.
Well, I've got to get home to the cats.
I've got a night of heavy petting ahead of me.
[Both sigh.]