Empty Nest (1988) s01e20 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Laverne, would you confirm my lunch reservation at the sea grotto? I'm doing it now.
Uh-huh, near the window.
Oh, hey, and they are saving me my favorite table overlooking the bay.
I'm doing it now.
- Laverne - You want to do this? No, just go ahead.
That's right, Dr.
Weston at 1:00.
Don't forget to mention the Teddy bear.
Do I have to? Come on, Laverne; It's our two-month anniversary.
You know, Fran loves stuffed bears.
It's a very romantic touch.
There will also be a six-foot Teddy bear arriving.
Uh-huh, from fay-oh schwarz.
Like it sounds, f-a-o, "fay-oh.
" He wants the stupid thing seated at the table when they arrive.
Does it smoke? Apparently not.
Thank you.
You're confirmed: Idiot, party of three.
Billy, you're finished.
Tell your mother you're fine.
The o'reillys called.
Little Eric's fever's gone back to normal.
Oh, that's good.
I was getting so worried about him.
And your neighbor Charley called to ask if you'd stop by his place tonight.
He said it's urgent.
Urgent? Ah, Fran! Oh, you look so pretty.
Oh, thank you.
I just wish I knew where you were taking me.
Where is he taking me? No, no, no, no, no.
You'll find out.
First I just got to get my jacket.
The time and thought he puts into these dates.
Yeah, his thought, my time.
Okay, shall we go? You two have a real romantic lunch, now, you hear? Thank you, dear.
Be back by 2:30; You have a boil to Lance.
Charley, you said it was urgent.
What's the problem? I met a woman.
That sounds like a problem for the woman.
Harry, I was driving through the neighborhood, and I saw this very classy, very attractive lady.
So I followed her to where she works.
She looks like an executive; She had an attache case and everything.
You know the type: Real sophisticated, looks like the kind who votes.
Charley, I'm still not getting "urgent" here.
I need a favor.
You've dated women like this.
You know what to say to them.
So? I want you to write a love letter.
I'll put it on her windshield.
She'll think it's from me.
I'll get a date.
You want me to compose a love letter for a windshield? Right! And I'll put my name on it, just like in that Steve Martin movie Roxanne.
You mean cyrano de bergerac.
Hold it.
Some guy ripped off Steve Martin? Charley, look, I've been so busy lately, I haven't had time for my own romance.
Besides, another person cannot write love letters for you.
If you really feel something for this woman, the words will just flow from your heart.
Okay.
"Dear mystery lady,.
" "I hate Harry.
" Any mail for me, daddy? No, dear, just this letter from your uncle Gus.
Ah, that's a shame.
Your great-aunt Celia from Syracuse died three weeks ago.
Aunt Celia the crazy lady? Barbara, aunt Celia was not a crazy lady.
She was a little eccentric, a little colorful.
She was from the old country.
Daddy, she was a nut bucket.
She claimed the first three years of her life, she existed on nothing but wood.
Good morning, everybody.
Oh, it's a beautiful day.
The sun is shining.
Isn't it great to be alive? Aunt Celia's dead.
What? Great-aunt Celia from Syracuse died.
Oh, my god.
How? She was 97 years old; I'm guessing old age.
- When? - Three weeks ago.
Three weeks ago? Why didn't somebody tell us before? Uncle Gus just wrote us about it.
Oh, my god.
Carol, we weren't that close.
You weren't that close.
I was close.
I loved that lady.
She was a vital, vibrant woman with a wealth of stories.
Aunt Celia was a nut.
She used to talk to herself, then complain of hearing voices.
You never understood her, Barbara.
You and Emily used to taunt her and then run off and play.
Some of the most important moments of my life were spent at her knee, listening to her stories of romance and intrigue, all about her childhood in pre-war Russia.
Carol, you are getting all worked up over woman who claimed she double-dated with kaiser Wilhelm.
Daddy, I want to visit aunt Celia's grave.
Uh, there is no grave.
Aunt Celia's last request was that her body be cremated and her ashes scattered over a dance hall in Minsk.
Right.
She's normal.
Harry, gotta talk.
You were right about the love letter.
It's got to come from me.
So I bought a dictionary, and I've been searching through it, trying to find the right words.
By the way, Carol, I don't appreciate what you called me last year.
I wonder if there's a discount airfare to Minsk.
I would think there'd have to be.
Harry, I composed a letter to this lady, and I'd like to get your feedback.
Okay, go ahead.
Okay.
"Dear classy lady, "you're so pretty.
You'd even capture the attention of an aardvark.
" You didn't get very far in that dictionary, did you, Charley? You're right.
The aardvark thing sounds stupid to me now, and it was the lynchpin of the whole letter.
I'll never connect with a lady like that.
Charley, don't say that.
I'm fine with bimbos, but I'll never do better than lolas and jodies and heathers, girls with big hoop earrings and spandex.
You know what I am, Harry? I'm a tramp.
- I'm a male tramp.
- Mm-hmm.
All I ever think about is going to be with a woman.
Let's face it; That's all I'm really good for.
But the funny thing is, with this woman, I'm not even thinking about that right now.
I just want to get to know her.
Why didn't you put that kind of sentiment in your letter? That's what I was going for with the aardvark thing.
All right, Charley, I will do it for you.
I will write your letter.
I will play cyrano.
Oh, Harry, you're a great guy.
You're a good friend, a neighbor, and an aborigine.
Oh, Fran, I'm so sorry about tonight, but I have to cover for Dr.
Gordon.
Yeah, I know, we were going to go sailing under the full moon.
But we'll go next week.
It'll only be a half moon, but I promise to be twice as attentive.
Oh, that's sweet.
Mm-hmm.
All right, dear.
Thanks a lot.
Bye.
Well, let's see if I can at least get Charley fixed up.
All right, come on.
Tell me what you think of this.
"You'll excuse my boldness, "but I can't let any possible chance of meeting you slip away.
"I'd ask you to a movie, "but I don't want to come away from an evening with you knowing a movie and not knowing you.
" Well, it's certainly more romantic than that Chinese takeout menu I found on my windshield this morning.
I like it.
If somebody left me a note like that on my car, I'd want to meet him.
If somebody left you a Chinese takeout menu, you'd want to meet him.
Ba-ba-ba-ba, don't start with this.
What Oh, hi.
Hi, I got registered letters for Barbara Weston and Emily Weston.
Okay, I'll sign for them, all right? This is you, dear.
Yeah.
Thank you.
And there's the rest of your mail.
Thank you.
Bye.
Barbara and Emily got registered letters? Yeah.
Yes, they did.
And, oh wait, a whole bunch of mail for you.
I don't believe this.
What? It's from uncle Gus in Syracuse.
"As executor of Celia Ludwig's estate, "I am pleased to inform you that your aunt Celia has left you the sum enclosed.
" $2,000! Oh, $2,000! Under the circumstances, I don't think your sister Emily would mind my rifling through her mail.
$2,000 for Emily too.
Carol, what did you get? I got, um, a telephone bill, two catalogs, and I'm due for my distemper shot.
Carol, you know how screwy the mail is.
Aunt Celia would never forget you.
No, you're the one who listened to all her stories.
You're right.
I was the loving and attentive one.
I'm sure she's sending me something very special.
After all, I was her little caroluska.
She didn't have a name for you.
Funny, she managed to get it right on the check.
All right, Benny, see ya.
All right, where do I go next? Room one.
The o'reillys called; Little Eric's temperature is back up, and he's got severe stomach pains.
This doesn't sound good.
All right, let's check him into the hospital, and we'll run a blood culture on him.
Right.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Dr.
Weston's office.
- Harry, it's Charley.
- Hi Charles.
Hey, congratulate me and congratulate yourself.
Your letter did the trick; I got a lunch date with her.
Ah, good! But listen, she's waiting at a table right now to meet me, and I'm stuck for an opening line.
Harry, what do I say to her? I don't know.
Charley, just be yourself.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Maybe I should give you something.
You could try, "thank you for coming, "and even if this doesn't work out, "you've already given me one of the nicest moments of my life.
" Okay, I'll give it a shot.
Boy, I can't wait for you two to meet.
Hi.
Hi.
Thank you for coming.
You know, even if this doesn't work out, you've already given me one of the nicest moments of my life.
Oh, Charley, that's very sweet.
Now, how's this for a romantic getaway? A bottle of wine, some imported cheese, and a hot air balloon ride over the countryside? Well, you certainly take Fran on some interesting dates, daddy.
No, this isn't for Fran, although it's a great idea for her.
I've been so busy lately, I've really been neglecting her.
But this is balloon thing is for Charley and his lady.
Charley.
Hot air.
It ought to work.
Hey, hey.
What do you think? Whoo! My daughter looks radiant.
It's part of my inheritance money.
I thought I'd swing into spring with a new wardrobe.
It's a lovely outfit, Barbara.
I just put a down payment on a new oven mitt.
I'm sorry, Carol.
I didn't mean to flaunt it.
I'll go change.
- Hi, guys.
- Charles.
All right, so did my sky-writing thing get us another date? It did.
I have us four dates in a row! Am I doing some great work here or what? Oh, you are, daddy.
You really are.
Now, Charley, a lady is leaving the room.
Oh.
Carol, have a good evening.
It was lovely seeing you, especially your chest.
All right, all right, so we have a few kinks to work out, that's all.
Charley, I told you about the chest thing.
Right, right.
I couldn't remember if it was mention it or don't.
I'm glad we caught it before your date tonight.
That's the crazy thing about this woman.
Even when I screw up, she doesn't mind.
She says I'm unpredictable and amusing.
Well, that's great, Charley.
I got a little problem, though.
You know how you told me not to rush the physical contact? Yeah, no, this is That's very important.
Like the lady I'm seeing right now, she respects the fact that I'm moving very slowly.
Mine's different.
Really? Yeah, last night at the restaurant, she grabbed my leg under the table.
Well, obviously your lady is a little more outgoing than mine.
I really like her, Harry.
But, you know, she said a couple of things the other night.
I think she might be seeing another guy.
Charley, don't worry.
You're with cyrano de Weston.
Sounds like it may be an older man.
I'm sorry.
An older guy.
I hope it isn't his last chance at love, because I am afraid we are about to blow him out of the water.
Listen What do you want? What do you want? Do you want to play? My, dreyfuss? Okay, dreyfuss, let's go.
Fetch, dreyfuss, fetch! Okay, forget fetch.
Stay! Good dog.
Ah, okay.
All right.
All right.
Hello.
Did you cook that Salisbury steak for the full eight minutes? No, I didn't.
I didn't Wait a minute.
How did you know that? It's Monday, ain't it? Listen, the hospital called.
The O'Reilly boy's temperature is going up and down like a yo-yo.
Oh, he's spiking.
You want to up the dosage? Yeah, all right.
Why don't we make it Wait a minute.
Wait a wait a minute.
Better yet, have Dr.
Miller run an ultrasound on him.
Ultrasound? Yeah, it's a rare possibility, but we may be overlooking an abscess.
I'll be here until 6:00; Then I'll be back at the office.
All right, on a more personal note, Fran called.
Would you like me to send her a birthday present? Oh, my god, today's her birthday? Yesterday.
Oh, yesterday! I completely forgot.
Laverne, do me a favor.
First thing in the morning, you remind me to do something very special for her.
"Save his butt again.
" Got it.
Daddy, it's here.
- What? - I don't know.
But it's postmarked Syracuse, and it's for Carol.
I'm guessing huge wealth.
Carol, huge wealth! Oh, it's clanky.
It's not cash.
Will you stop That's your sister's personal property.
I don't know.
This could be jewelry.
What's up? Oh, this just arrived from Syracuse.
Syracuse! The inheritance capital of the world.
I knew it.
I knew it.
It sounds jiggly.
Does gold bullion jiggle? Stop with the shaking.
Why are we shaking? Come on; Just open it.
Wait, there's a note.
"Dear Carol, you were aunt Celia's favorite niece.
"You were very special to her.
"She left this for you.
Love, uncle Gus.
" It's a cassette player.
Ooh, play it! It could be the combination to a bank vault in Switzerland.
My dearest caroluska, you were the only one who was ever willing to listen to my stories.
At last, your Patience and love can be rewarded with my most priceless position I think we've hit the mother lode.
My stories.
Story number one.
It was the year all the goats died.
I was in the house, scraping a carp, when the czarina of Russia knocked on my door.
You know My first instinct was to smash this machine on the floor.
But the truth is, what aunt Celia's left me is a living legacy.
I mean, money is nice, but it gets spent.
A dress is fine, but fashions fade.
This, this This is something that I will have forever.
I have no time for the czarina.
The lentils in my soup were getting soft, something that happens every spring.
Hold it; The cat has something to say.
Yes! I was right about Eric O'Reilly's ultrasound.
It is an abscess, and it can be treated with antibiotics, and he's going to be fine.
Oh, congratulations, doctor.
You should be very proud of yourself.
You know, it's times like these that make it worthwhile to work for such a sloppy, impossible, tardy, disorganized mess of a doctor like yourself.
Thank you, Laverne.
And you're fired.
- See ya in the morning.
- See you in the morning.
Hello, Harry.
Oh, Fran! What a great surprise.
Your service told me you'd be here.
This is wonderful.
Listen, I am just about to leave.
Let's go out and have some dinner together.
Harry, I can't see you anymore.
I've met someone else.
Okay, Fran, but that's going to put a real pall over our dinner conversation.
I'm sorry to hit you with this now, but it just couldn't wait.
The more I see him and the more I like him, I realize I can't go out with two people at the same time.
Fran, I know I've been neglecting you, and I know I forgot your birthday it's not just the birthday, Harry.
It's a lot of things.
You disappeared out of my life, while this man is attentive.
He writes me notes.
He excites my imagination.
He's everything you used to be.
Well, Fran, I'm not giving up this easily.
I'm not.
I mean, you and I enjoy each other too much.
I tell you what; Tomorrow I will cancel everything and I will take you for a hot air balloon ride over the countryside.
He took me for one the other day.
He did that? I mean, he did the balloon ride? Yeah, he even brought wine and cheese.
Fran, come on, please, some guy brings you wine and camemberte.
And you fall for him? No, he brought Cheez whiz.
It's one of the things I like about him.
He's so unpredictable.
I hi, I just thought I'd Leave.
Charley.
Fran, what are you doing here? Harry is the gentleman I've been telling you about.
Whoops.
You two, uh, know each other? This is very awkward.
Harry, Charley is the man I've been telling you about.
This is the balloon ride, the wine, and the camembert? Camembert! Charley, what are you doing here? Me? Uh, I followed you here.
Why? I don't know.
Call me unpredictable.
Call me amusing.
I just can't stop following you.
Where are we going next? I can't believe this is the guy.
Maybe we should go.
Harry, I'm sorry.
I really am.
Good-bye.
Wait, wait, wait.
Just a minute.
I think there's something you should know about this guy, this guy right here.
He's a very lucky man, and I wish you both the very best.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Cheez whiz? She left me for Cheez whiz.
I only have a second, Harry.
Believe me; I didn't realize that was your lady.
I know that, Charley.
And the truth is, you didn't lose her to me.
You lost her to you.
Thank you, Charley.
Oh, I almost forgot why I came down here to begin with.
I'd really like to get you a gift that expresses how I feel about all you've done for me.
Think of something, would you?