Evening Shade s01e20 Episode Script

Dad? Uh-huh? My science teacher says that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Well, he's right.
That's why I'm having lots of sugar here.
Vitamins: I'm gonna have some vitamins, yep.
Oh, thanks for getting Will dressed.
I didn't get him dressed.
He did it all by himself.
Oh, good boy.
Did you remember to wear underwear? Oops.
You always have to ask.
Mm-hmm.
For some reason, underwear eludes him.
Yeah.
What are you doing? I'm trying to find a Fred.
All I've got here is Barneys and Wilmas.
Are you okay? Mm-hmm.
You're not getting that flu that's going around, are you? No, I'm fine.
Good.
Boy, that's like an epidemic.
We had to postpone the Weldon trial because five jury members called in sick.
Yeah, tell me about it.
All my teachers at school are getting it, too.
My biology teacher, Mrs.
Lindsey, she threw up right in the middle of class yesterday.
Ooh.
I tried to clean it up for extra credit, but the janitor beat me to it.
That's my boy, always thinking.
Come in.
Mornin', everybody.
Morning.
You're late.
Well, you don't look like you're ready either.
Oh.
Do you want some coffee? Oh, no, thanks.
I'm wired enough as it is.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I'm filled with uncontrollable rage, but other than that I'm peachy.
Who are you mad at? Margaret Fauch.
I mean, she calls this emergency faculty meeting, right? So I call her up to see if there's anything I can do to help her out.
Well, she says, "No, it's all high-level stuff.
I've got to take care of it myself.
" Suddenly a math teacher slash assistant coach is just too low down on the food chain for her to even mess with.
I'm sure she doesn't feel that way.
She's probably just preoccupied.
You know what I think it is? I think she's intimidated by me.
Intimidated? Yeah.
I mean, she's used to people just giving in to her, whatever she wants.
She says jump, they say how high? I don't think she knows what to do with somebody who doesn't just cave in to her every whim.
Come on.
She's gonna kill us if we're late.
Oh.
Bye.
Bye.
Now I know you people are doing the best that you can.
Some of you aren't feeling very well, but you're here anyway.
Mrs.
Lindsey, your appearance here today is an inspiration to us all.
The humiliation alone would have kept most of us away.
Well, I'm glad you gentlemen could put in an appearance.
In case you hadn't noticed, we're in the midst of a crisis situation here.
Well, we're sorry we're late, Margaret.
There you go, caving in to her.
I was just apologizing.
Cave, cave, cave.
No, I'm not caving Can we continue here? Huh? The people you see in this room are the last line of defense between the Evening Shade school system and total chaos.
So those of you with free periods, you're gonna have to fill in for the missing teachers.
Now I'd like to let Mrs.
Lindsey go on home.
Go on.
So who's free fifth period? I'm free fifth period.
Who else? Well, what's wrong with me? Well, nothing.
I just thought maybe you might be better suited to handle Mrs.
Gallagher's home economics class.
Now wait just a cotton picking minute here.
I'm a trained educator.
I'm a molder of young minds.
I'm not gonna waste my time teaching Shake and Bake 101.
You think you can teach biology? Biology? Piece of cake.
No offense, Virginia.
Well, I'm glad you think so.
You were, uh, planning to start a new section today, weren't you, Mrs.
Lindsey? Human reproduction.
Human what? Sex education, Mr.
Stiles.
Is that challenging enough for a molder of young minds? You-you mean the, the birds and the bees? Uh, oh, no problem at all.
I'll just look at the textbook.
I'm sure it'll come right back to me.
You can't do this to me.
Coach, please? No.
Come on, look, I'll do your taxes.
I'll even babysit for you.
No.
I'm sorry we're late.
No, it's okay.
I'll re-grout your bathroom tiles.
No! What are you guys talking about? Well, you know Virginia's sick, so Margaret wants Herman to teach the biology class, and he's trying to bribe me to help him.
Well, surely you can teach biology by yourself, Herman.
It's sex education.
Better let him re-grout your tiles.
Look, it's not that I'm afraid to teach it.
It's just I think the children would benefit more if the Coach here did.
Why? Because you've actually been involved in human reproduction.
Mmm.
Well, Wood, why don't you do it? You can tell the children how you fainted when Taylor was born.
I didn't faint.
I slipped, you know.
It's those stupid paper shoes they give you at the hospital.
He was a great support.
Thank you.
He was when he came to, yeah.
Herman, you're a fantastic teacher.
I'm sure you'll do just fine with sex education.
Boy, I remember when I learned about the birds and the bees.
There was this great big Scandinavian girl who lived on the farm near ours, and to say that she was well-endowed would be a considerable understatement.
We used to worry she might catch something in the thresher.
Well, maybe that's not an appropriate story.
You know, I walked in on my parents once.
I thought they were wrestling.
Yeah.
Well, it turns out they were.
They never did like each other.
You know, I never caught you and Mom doing anything.
That's because your mother was one of the most imaginative women that ever lived.
Had a real sense of adventure.
I used to wonder when you'd all make whoopee, 'cause you know, you'd just hang out in the gazebo doing crossword puzzles.
Hey, Miss Ava, when did you find out about the birds and the bees? Well, Lefty Moffin told me.
Who? Yes, Janie Barber and I cornered him after he got out of reform school.
Oh.
If you hadn't had your mind in the gazebo so much, things like that never would have happened.
I've got to go.
I've got to get back to work.
But we just got here.
Oh.
No, no, you just got here.
I'll walk you out.
Mmm.
Hey, good luck, huh? Thanks.
Good luck, Herman.
And don't you corrupt our young people now.
They're the backbone of this community.
It's all on your shoulders.
In the gazebo? What'll it be, fellas? Uh special.
The special.
Special? Yeah.
Look, Coach Huh? Look, you gotta help me out on this one, please.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's not that I'm embarrassed.
I just don't have a whole lot of experience in this area.
I don't have any experience in teaching sex education either Coach, no, you're not listening to me.
What? I don't have a lot of personal experience.
What are you trying to say? What, do I have to draw you a picture? You know how, don't you? Of course I know how.
You think I'm some kind of sexual mutant? If you know how, then you can teach it.
Oh, I get it.
Those who can do, and those who can't teach.
Right? I- I didn't say that.
You can, can't you? Of course I can! I'm not impotent or something like that.
I'm just as well equipped and ready to go as the next guy.
I'm just asking.
I just haven't Okay.
much.
Well, I mean, with me, part of it's choice, but a lot of it's circumstance.
You know, I-I-I don't know.
I just seem to be one of those guys who just doesn't pick up on the signals like the other guys do.
I mean, once I went to this state debating championship.
It was in my senior year of high school and there was this girl, this Holly Smith.
Ooh! She came down to my hotel room after curfew in this bathrobe.
She started to undo that bathrobe, looked at me and said, "Would you like to see my teddy?" Well, being somebody who didn't care that much about stuffed animals, I said no.
Well, those subtle signals are tough to pick up.
Look, all I'm asking is if you'll just get that class started for me, then you can leave.
If I get it started, I can leave, right? Right.
Look, I promise you, you won't regret it.
Yes, I will.
Just relax.
Everything's gonna be a piece of cake.
Look, I made just a few visual aids on my own at home.
Visual aids? What are you talking about? Well, just a few little Oh, hi, Taylor.
Dad, Mr.
Stiles, what are you guys doing here? Oh, Virginia's sick.
We're gonna take the class today.
Well, you know today we start sex ed, right? Yeah, I know.
One class is just like another one, you know? Mr.
Stiles volunteered.
Just take your seat.
Maybe we'll get lucky and there'll be a fire drill.
Sometimes those babies can eat up the whole period.
Will you just relax? The thing to remember is that we're the adults and they're the kids.
Okay? Yeah.
All right.
Okay, kids, quiet down.
Now, as you know, your teacher is sick today, and so Coach Stiles Coach? and I Coach? Yes, Philpott? Are, uh, are we gonna talk about sex? Probably, yes.
You just sit down and relax a minute.
Now, I want you to feel that even though we're just substitute teachers, that, you can if you have some questions to ask, that you feel free to ask them.
Yes, Philpott? Yeah.
Uh What's the what's the deal with the, the transvestites? Well, I'm sure that you're gonna get to that, but not while we're here.
Okay? Sit down.
That's uh That's gonna be covered in, uh, Chapter 19, you see, and we're doing Chapter 18 today.
And what we're doing today is the human reproduction system.
Uh, uh, uh Oh, uh, Okay.
I guess the best way to go about this is to just dive right on into it, and Yeah.
So if y'all want to turn with me in your, in your books to Chapter 18.
That's on page 187.
Uh, uh Is the light good enough for everybody to see? Everybody's okay? Y'all about ready? Take it away, Coach.
Thank you, Herman.
Okay.
We're gonna start with the with the fundamentals, because that's, that's always the place to start, you know, with the, with the fundamentals, and the primary components of reproduction, of course, are the egg.
Now, the egg is The egg is, is produced in the ovaries of the female.
Now the And, of course, the from the male, comes the, comes the sperm.
Now the sperm is Put that away.
Don't bring that out ever again.
Now, as you very well know, I- I'm sure, that the sperm comes from the te comes from the, uh comes from the male.
And, and when the sperm and the egg unite in the fallopian tube, which is a small tube inside of the My throat is so dry, I I'm gonna go get I'm gonna go get some water, and you take this.
No.
Why? I'll pull the fire alarm, but I won't take the class.
You have to take the class.
Coach? What? Well, say, say if you have one earring, now does that mean you're a transvestite? No! No.
No.
No.
No, of course not.
We'll get to that, okay? But today, we're gonna talk about the human reproduction system.
Now, some very important things have to be right for the egg to meet the sperm.
Yeah, you gotta get her mom out of the house.
That was very funny.
That was very funny, Taylor.
You, you, of course, won't be leaving your house until May sometime.
Now, what I'd like to talk about first is that, and this, this is, this is, this is gonna be I don't want you to be embarrassed, because you know we're gonna talk about the male We're gonna talk about the male reproduction organ, which, which is an incredible piece of work, because it This guy doesn't have one.
Coach? What, Philpott? Well, I'm still a little bit cloudy on this transvestite thing.
Could you This is not working.
So, I'll tell you what.
You know, what Coach Stiles and I would like to do is if you've just got some simple questions about sex Yes? What's your name, dear? Karen.
Karen, okay.
What is it, dear? When are you old enough to have sex? Maybe I could be of a little bit of help on this.
Uh, Karen, is it? Yes.
Karen, um Well, Karen, I guess the decision to have sex, no matter how old you are, is just about one of the most important decisions a person ever makes.
I mean, there's a a lot of feelings that you have to sort through.
And, and everybody's got an opinion about it.
Your friends have an opinion about it.
Your parents have an opinion about it.
Your church has an opinion about it.
My advice would be just listen to every one of those opinions.
But whatever you do, don't just follow your heart.
It's a good idea sometimes if you use your head a little bit, too.
I mean, because a big part of sexuality, I think, is probably the ability to make mature decisions.
And another big part of sexuality is, is knowing that your actions all have consequences.
And also you've got to know about certain precautions, too.
I mean, but whatever, I mean, this, it's this.
This is the thing that separates boys and girls from men and women.
It's real serious business, especially these days.
So, whatever you decide to do, just make sure you think about it.
Miss Fauch? What are you doing here at this hour? I work here, remember? Well, hell's bells.
I just asked you a question.
You don't have to snap my head off.
I'm very busy, Mr.
Stiles.
Well, what do you think I've been doing here since 3:00? Giving myself a pedicure? I hate to burst your bubble, Mr.
Stiles, but your personal hygiene is of no interest to me.
A man spends his entire afternoon cutting shamrocks out of green construction paper, and this is the thanks he gets.
Well, what in the world would you do a fool thing like that for? In case you've forgotten, St.
Patrick's Day is right around the corner.
I knew you were gonna be busy with this North Central accreditation review, and I thought you might need just a little bit of help with your bulletin board.
Oh, no.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I got the whole situation under complete control.
Actually, I'm real proud of myself.
I came up with this multi-purpose idea that's gonna encompass the entire spring.
It's sort of an Irish Easter, but without the bunnies.
Oh, Herman.
Well, don't overreact.
If you want bunnies, Margaret, I'll give you bunnies.
No.
I forgot about the accreditation review.
How could you forget an accreditation review? Well, we just got through with the S.
A.
T.
s.
And then this, this flu epidemic.
Oh, I guess I just forgot.
What am I gonna do? The committee comes on Wednesday.
Just tell them to do it another time.
I can't do that.
You made a mistake.
Anybody can make a mistake.
Tell the people they gotta reschedule it.
Mr.
Stiles, try and stay with me.
For the sake of this institution, I cannot do that.
Look, if you ask me, you're being just a little bit pig-headed about this.
Well, unfortunately, that is the way I am, Mr.
Stiles.
Now I know you don't particularly like me, but this is my school and I have to run it the best way I know how.
And so if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Now wait just a second here, missy.
You're not the only person who cares about this school.
You might not be so crabby all the time if you'd learn to delegate just a little bit of responsibility around here.
Besides, I helped you with your bulletin board because I do particularly like you! Mr.
Stiles! What do you want?! What in the world did you mean by that? I mean you can be just as stubborn as a mule sometimes.
Not that.
I mean, you wouldn't be so tired all the time if you'd learn to delegate responsibilities.
I mean the last part.
Oh Well, it's just something that slipped out.
Well what if I don't mind that it just slipped out? I guess I'd be a little surprised.
Not as surprised as I was that you said it.
You know something, Margaret? You really ought to learn to relax.
I'm not very good at that.
Well, maybe I could help you to learn.
Maybe.
Oh my Lord, I spilled that tea all over your desk.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Oh, here's a rag over here.
This is gonna be a lot more absorbent than those tissues.
They're just gonna come and fall apart in your hands.
It's all right.
Wait.
I got 'em.
I got 'em.
Um Hey, Coach, I want to talk to you about me and Margaret.
Margaret? Yeah.
I went by her office last night.
It started out as usual, you know, her yelling at me, and me yelling back at her.
But then I accidentally sent out one of them little signals that we talked about.
The next thing you know, I'm getting a little signal back but in a big way.
I didn't think Margaret had any signals.
Coach? Yeah? I did it.
Did what? Oh, come on, I'm trying to be a gentlemen about this.
Work with me.
Now you're telling me that you and Margaret had Oh, come give me some morality points.
It's not like we're a couple of yard dogs.
I know.
What exactly did you do with Margaret? Now I'm only gonna tell you and my diary: I touched her breast.
Really? Well, I'm not sure she realized it, but I did.
Well, I'm glad you and Margaret found a way to communicate.
I need to ask you a question, though.
Okay.
Is that considered first base? I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know? You're supposed to know all of these terms.
I don't' know.
I never understood what the heck that meant.
Well, maybe you don't know as much about sex and all as I thought you did.
Maybe I'll just strike out on my own.
Coach Newton! I just found out St.
Finbars High School is starting up a football team.
Really? Well, seems they finally convinced some of their band members to go out for football.
Now I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to deduce that they may be our only chance to win a football game in this decade.
Now I strongly suggest that you get them on our schedule as soon as possible.
Do I make myself clear? Always, Margaret.
Oh, Mr.
Stiles, I was wondering if you could come with me to Wal-Mart.
I have to pick up some supplies.
I may need some help carrying things.
Downright transparent, isn't she? It's embarrassing, isn't it? I felt like I was watching a peep show.
Come on, Mr.
Stiles.
In case you've forgotten, I've got a school to run.
How can I forget it? You throw it in my face I'll see you later.
Okay.
I do not throw anything in anybody's face.
Oh, yes I'm surprised they don't have to ice-down your arm between innings.
That's a nice little skirt you got on.
I just can't believe it Herman and Margaret? I know.
Can I ask you a question? Sure.
What's first base? What? Well, Herman thinks he made it to first base, and I was just wondering if You know, I-I was always confused about that.
What, what does that mean? I'm not even gonna dignify that question with an answer.
You don't know either, huh? You know, why is it that men love to turn everything into some kind of competition? You know, here you take something that's so private and intimate between two people, and you, you reduce to something that should be on ESPN.
You know, if you really wanted to help Herman Mm-hmm.
you should tell him that you're talking about a relationship here and not trying to fire the guys up before a game.
I just think it's just so sexist, you know? Describing the private details of your love life and using sleazy sports terms.
You're right.
Thank you.
Okay.
I'm sorry, honey.
I mean, that makes sense.
Forgive me? I forgive you.
That's first base.
In Evening Shade We ain't afraid to get a little laid back And let the daylight fade Life goes slow and it's worth a lot more When you got it made And we got it made in the shade Evening Shade.